Mike Pence is the Patron Saint of Mediocre White Dudes, and the Roman God of Failing Upwards.
A Democrat in his youth, Pence, like many men of limited intelligence, turned to religious conservatism for the convenience of being able to end arguments by claiming God shares his every fear and prejudice, while forgiving his every shortcoming, how convenient.
Secretary of State
Mike Pompeo is one of those performatively pious fake Christians who loves using his loudly-claimed-but-seldom-followed faith like a cudgel while ignoring every single word of the actual Bible, including “and” and “the.”
Secretary of State
Over the course of three decades, Rex Tillerson fucked, bribed, and murdered his way to the top of Exxon Mobil, like some sort of jowlsy Eva Peron.
William Barr actually taught me a valuable lesson. See, I didn’t look too closely at Bill when he was nominated to be Attorney General. After Jeff “Too Racist for the 80’s” Sessions and the masculine toilet guy, honestly, he looked like a nice, refreshing, safe, traditional Republican. An institutionalist who could bring a little much-needed stability.
And then he turned out to be a fascist, and one of the most dangerous enemies of democracy in American history. Whoops. My bad.
Secretary of the Treasury
Steve Mnuchin, like his namesake, the Noise You Make When You’re Dry Heaving After Getting Food Poisoning From Eating Truck Stop Gas Station Roller Hot Pockets on a Road Trip, is deeply unpleasant, and may result in the involuntary voiding of foul-smelling bodily fluids.
Secretary of Defense
Chief of Staff
National Security Advisor
Holy shit, there are Generals all over the place these days, aren’t there?
Retired General James Mattis serves as Secretary of Defense. Retired General John Kelly ran Homeland Security for a bit, before becoming the Lead Executive Branch Babysitter, excuse me, Chief of Staff. H.R. McMaster’s the National Security Advisor, and hell, he’s still on active duty.
Jefferson Beauregard Sessions, third generation of his family to carry the name of a Confedarate piece of trash and also a second Confederate piece of trash, is living his dream. As Velveeta Goebbels’ Attorney General, he’s turning back the clock to a time when women and minorities knew their place, and mediocre white dudes like himself got to run everything, even if they weren’t especially bright.
Ryan Zinke is like if the crappiest robot in Westworld escaped and jumped into conservative politics. He’s such a cartoon cowboy, I bet his right boot says “Andy” on the bottom.
Secretary of Commerce
When a witch’s curse transformed his master into a Beast and his fellow servants into household objects, Wilbur Ross became a decorative garden gnome. Unlike the rest of his compatriots, he ventured out into the world to make his fortune in the realm of shady international finance and money laundering, and when True Love’s Kiss lifted the curse, Wilbur was too far away for the enchantment to reverse, and thus he remains trapped in gnome form forever.
Secretary of Health and Human Services
If the Hippocratic Oath is binding in any sort of spiritual sense, Tom Price is royally fucked, y’all. There is some straight Dante shit awaitin’ him in the afterlife.
Secretary of Housing and Urban Development
Dr. Ben Carson is only in politics because he was rude President Obama to his face. At the 2013 National Prayer Breakfast, a traditionally non-political event, Dr. Ben, having been invited as the keynote speaker, decided to use his time to shit on the President and his policies.
Secretary of Education
Betsy DeVos is what happens when bored white ladies have enough money to really fuck shit up. Turns out, if you’re born rich and marry richer, you don’t have to settle for a book club, you can buy yourself a whole cabinet department!
Administrator of the EPA
Scott Pruitt, like a lot of boys his age, grew up watching Captain Planet cartoons. Unlike most boys his age, he decided that the various sludge-smog-and-toxic-waste-slinging villains were the role models for him.
Ok, fine. Pruitt is ten years too old to have grown up on Captain Planet, but fuck you, that’s a good opening paragraph. Make your own fucking website, you don’t like it.
Chief of Staff
Nobody wants to be Reince Priebus when they grow up. He’s just so immediately recognizable as a weaselly little tapeworm of a man, y’know?
Reince Priebus is the sort of person who would be played by Brad Dourif in a film.
Steve Bannon played Bob Ewell in a high school production of To Kill a Mockingbird, and liked it so much he decided to stay in the character for the rest of his life.
A self-described Leninist, and an outspoken populist*, Bannon wants to kidney-punch the administrative state, give it a wedgie, and steal its lunch money.
Jared Kushner was born on third base and thinks he invented baseball.
Jared’s dad, Charles Kushner, went to jail for tax evasion, illegal campaign donations, and, ahem, “witness tampering,” by which I mean he set his brother-in-law up with a hooker (not, I’m sad to report, of the Pissing Russian variety) and recorded their genital-smushing in order to blackmail him.
Daddy’s Little Girl
Ivanka Trump is what happens when you cross Gwyneth Paltrow with Mussolini’s dumbest, laziest aide-de-camp. Watching her try to sell her father’s fascism as some sort of pro-woman lifestyle brand, marketed in the sickliest imaginable shade of pink, has been one of the most bizarre subplots of this nightmare we can’t seem to pinch ourselves out of.
So, while Melania Trump is perhaps not as shitty as many of the crooks, Nazis, and Nazi crooks who inhabit her dirtbag husband’s world, she manages to impressively shitty in her own right.
When you worked for Akin, things weren’t simple
Cuz he got caught on tape
With legitimate rape
Senior Advisor for Policy
Why is it always the shittiest imaginable white dudes who turn out to be white supremacists?
Stephen Miller, who started balding eleven seconds after his conception, has by all accounts been a sack of monkey shit pretty much every single minute of his life.
Director of Communications
Oh wow, this new Communications Director looks like a real character, huh?
Where to begin? Ok, Anthony Scaramucci first came to –
Wait, what? Really?
White Supremacist Multi-Tool
Kris Kobach is like the protagonist of the white supremacist version of one of those Disney movies where a kid learns to chase his dreams, no matter how big. The kid gets tired of the monotonous grind of burning crosses on just one lawn at a time, and dreams of burning a cross big enough for the whole dang country!
Maybe he has a talking/singing Confederate flag for a sidekick. Named “Bedford.”
Roving Freelance Fascist
As seen in the famed documentary RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK, when the Ark of the Covenant was opened on an uncharted island north of Crete, the burning light that issued thereof reduced the Nazi soldiers present to piles of ash and molten flesh. In time, the rains washed the fascist bio-goo into the island’s sewage system, where it mixed with the shit and piss and used tampons and such, and in time it congealed, took the shape of a man (albeit an unattractive one), slapped on a pair of glasses, and Sebastian Gorka was formed.
Speaker of the House
Paul Ryan was cloned from a single pubic hair plucked from Ayn Rand post-coitus and grown in a still in Charles Koch’s back yard.
Senate Majority Leader
Many years ago, Gamera was following the Grateful Dead on tour, and engaged in a brief-but-life-affirming affair with an Ohio River ‘gator that hung around Ma McConnell’s pig farm, picking off runts for sustenance. Nine months later, young Mitch emerged from a leathery egg, and devoured his fellow hatchlings, beginning his life-long love affair with hurting children.
Susan Collins is How It Happens Here, folks.
She’s supposed to be the rational centrist. The one who stands up to the increasingly-rabid gaggle of turd-spewing hyenas known as the Republican Party when they go too far. That’s whole point of Susan Collins. It’s the brand she’s been selling the people of Maine for years.
Anybody wondering if the GOP is still the party of Lincoln gets their answer whenever they take in James Daniel Jordan’s tension-racked, jacketless frame as he does his “indignant soccer dad demands to see a manager” routine during a committee hearing. Lincoln? That ship has sailed, caught fire, sunk, and been overrun by sea slugs and the ghosts of unusually shitty pirates. Sorry.
Official Sponsors of American Fascism
Chuck and Davey Koch decided that popping out of a rich lady’s vagina gave them the right to reshape the world however they saw fit, hurting whoever they wanted to in the process, and since the fundamental driving impulse of your average Republican politician is to sell out to the highest bidder, they haven’t exactly been proven wrong.
100,000 Human Capital Stock Units Have Perished; You Are Permitted a 5-Minute Grief Break
Greetings fellow human capital stock! I trust you enjoyed your holiday weekend, but it is now time to return to your unsafe workplaces, or, if you are too unhealthy to do so, to your nearest Soylent processing plant. I will round up the news with you, but only if you promise it won’t undermine your productivity, aka the only value you possess, you worthless serf.
Yes, we are all simply cattle to Shart House economic advisor Kevin Hassett, who really put a human face on the Turdmaggot Administration’s controversial Into the Meatgrinder With Ya, Pleb reopening strategy. It’s still adorable, if horrifying, that these clowns really imagine we’re going to die for their bank accounts.
Far be it from me to offer Team Treasonweasel advice, but maybe this particular moment in time, when your lethal incompetence is a massive, inescapable mound of raw, unprocessed dumbassery blocking out the very fucking sun, is not the appropriate point to be musing about conducting the first new nuclear weapons tests since 1992. I feel obligated to remind you twerps that you had real difficulties pulling off the goddamn White House Easter Egg Roll, so maybe leave the nukes alone until the grown-ups take over next January. If Wee Don wants to see ‘splosions so bad, he can fucking well rent Con Air.
Pornhub reports that traffic to videos of people fucking is way down, because America is instead jerkin’ it to the Entirely Deserved, Dignity-Annihilating Downfall of Jefferson Beauregard Sessions III. Jeff finds himself in the tragicomic role of Frankenbigot, helpless as the monster he created (well, endorsed and normalized, anyhow) ends his career and burns his legacy to so much hillbilly ash. Very few people bear as much responsibility for the raging turdnado that’s tearing through America as you do, Beau, and I hope the rest of your life is filled with hemorrhoids and paper cuts.
While an overwhelming majority of Americans support the mask-wearin’, social-distancin’ sacrifices necessary to contain the coronavirus (out of a desire to stay alive, and help others stay alive, which is partisan now, yay us), it’s the bleating nutjobs who snag all the headlines. Kentucky managed to round up the real crème de la outhouse of the Loser Terrorist crowd, who gathered in Frankfort to hang an effigy of Governor Andy Beshear from a tree, because they are terrorists and losers but mostly losers. My inner Chuck Todd* doesn’t want to take sides, but shitty white boys with lynching fantasies are cordially invited to gargle my ballsweat.
Bad news, Resisters…I know we’ve all been counting on framing the 2020 election as a referendum on the Marmalade Shartcannon’s myriad murderous failures, but now that the lead issue driving swing voters is a conspiracy theory about Morning Joe Scarborough murdering an intern a few years ago, I fear a second Turd Term is all but assured. Under normal circumstances, the shattered economy and astronomical unemployment rate would be significant, likely even dominating factors, but alas, I fear we are all bound for Scarborough Fair now, having been outwitted by the finest strategic mind this side of the leftover cheese dip you forgot about in the back of the fridge.
All of this is obviously very traumatizing for the deceased woman’s family, who will now be terrorized for the rest of their lives by rabid conspiracy theorists, like Seth Rich’s parents before them, to say nothing of Sandy Hook families. None of this matters to the Sociopath-in-Chief, of course, who would happily swap the misery of a few peasant strangers for a momentary distraction from his colossal fuckups.
Confident that he’d taken that whole re-election thing off the table with his wily ploy, Dorito Mussolini spent Memorial Day weekend shitposting like a meth-addled 4chan denizen and golfing like Nero Only Dumber and Less Talented. Big shout-out to Dr. Deborah Birx, I’m sure it’s just a dream come true to see your lifetime of expertise repurposed as a shield to allow a septuagenarian toddler to claim a little extra recess time.
And I see President Liposuction Clinic Dumpster is now flinging poo at North Carolina Governor Roy Cooper over the Republican National Convention, still inexplicably scheduled for August, on the “everything will be fine because reasons” theory of pandemic-fighting. Cooper is understandably concerned about opening Disneyworld Only for COVID-19 in his state, but you really couldn’t dig a mass grave large enough for the crowd Hairplug Himmler would happily condemn to death for the sugar rush of just one more Klan rally.
Naturally, numerous Republijag governors are now tripping over one another to host this human sacrifice demolition derby, valuing the fleeting approval of a rapidly-deteriorating narcissist who can neither write nor speak his native tongue over the lives of their own constituents. It’s like a game show where contestants compete for suffering, grief, and granite for tombstones.
Meanwhile, Presumably-Smilin’-But-We-Can’t-Tell-Cuz-He’s-Wearing-a-Mask Joe Biden has been proclaimed a sissy, a cuck, and an all-around girlyman by Strawberry Shartcake and his sad little cult of toxic-and-also-not-even-remotely-masculine masculinity. The source of Joe’s fatal wussiness is of course his insufferably prissy mask-wearing, because everybody knows real men don’t model safe, healthy behavior, they lick the insides of medical waste receptacles behind hospitals overwhelmed with coronavirus cases. I feel like Evolution is about to sit Dirtbag Machismo down for a long hard talk.
I see the Karenest Karen that ever Karened did the Karenest thing ever in the entire history of Karendom, committing attempted murder-by-cop against a black man who simply asked her to obey publicly-posted leash laws. Well Amy Cooper, that shitty, shitty thing you did cost you your job and your dog, but hey, at least you’re famous now.
And of course we passed the gruesome 100,000 COVID-19 deaths milestone this morning, prompting Donnie Deathcult to congratulate himself on all the fabulous presidenting he’s done this year, like a child demanding critical acclaim for the mural he smeared on the living room walls using his own diaper as a palette. He keeps trying to use the Obama/Biden response to H1N1 as a cudgel, somehow failing to understand that the comparison makes him look like a melted-in-the-microwave My Little Pony doll next to a couple of thoroughbreds.
Out of an abundance of concern for Bill at the Abject Horror Desk’s mental health during quarantine, I’m moving him off the Abject Horror Desk and into the newly-created Desperately-Needed Good News Bureau. Over to you, Bill!
Bill at the Desperately-Needed Good News Bureau: Thanks, Cap! This is so much nicer. Bigger office, too! Will I get a raise, you think?
Cap: Sorry, Bill, you don’t even exist. You’re just a device I use from time to time in my blog.
Bill at the Desperately-Needed Good News Bureau: So, no then? That’s okay, because I’ve got some Desperately-Needed Good News™️! Hey, remember back when Florida Republicans tried to work around an insanely popular ballot measure reenfranchising felons by imposing an unconstitutional poll tax? Well, it turns out unconstitutional shit can get struck down by a federal judge, just like my 7th grade civics textbook said! While the poll tax is no longer on the books, I am told it is enjoying its new home, up Ron DeSantis’ cheap authoritarian ass.
An intriguing rift arose in America’s most destructive marriage today, as Twitter slapped one of Fat Q*Bert’s lying anti-vote-by-mail posts with a big ol’ honkin’ fact check. Ruh roh, Shart-Shart, if you don’t have your disinformation platform, you’re just a confused, butthole-mouthed, old nitwit who doesn’t know how to dress himself.
Sigh. Even on a holiday weekend, these creeps can’t leave a poor put-upon chronicler alone. If it wasn’t for the beer, I’d be quite mad by now.
*I don’t really have an inner Chuck Todd, promise. Or at least, I better not. I didn’t order one.