Mike Pence is the Patron Saint of Mediocre White Dudes, and the Roman God of Failing Upwards.
A Democrat in his youth, Pence, like many men of limited intelligence, turned to religious conservatism for the convenience of being able to end arguments by claiming God shares his every fear and prejudice, while forgiving his every shortcoming, how convenient.
Secretary of State
Mike Pompeo is one of those performatively pious fake Christians who loves using his loudly-claimed-but-seldom-followed faith like a cudgel while ignoring every single word of the actual Bible, including “and” and “the.”
Secretary of State
Over the course of three decades, Rex Tillerson fucked, bribed, and murdered his way to the top of Exxon Mobil, like some sort of jowlsy Eva Peron.
William Barr actually taught me a valuable lesson. See, I didn’t look too closely at Bill when he was nominated to be Attorney General. After Jeff “Too Racist for the 80’s” Sessions and the masculine toilet guy, honestly, he looked like a nice, refreshing, safe, traditional Republican. An institutionalist who could bring a little much-needed stability.
And then he turned out to be a fascist, and one of the most dangerous enemies of democracy in American history. Whoops. My bad.
Secretary of the Treasury
Steve Mnuchin, like his namesake, the Noise You Make When You’re Dry Heaving After Getting Food Poisoning From Eating Truck Stop Gas Station Roller Hot Pockets on a Road Trip, is deeply unpleasant, and may result in the involuntary voiding of foul-smelling bodily fluids.
Secretary of Defense
Chief of Staff
National Security Advisor
Holy shit, there are Generals all over the place these days, aren’t there?
Retired General James Mattis serves as Secretary of Defense. Retired General John Kelly ran Homeland Security for a bit, before becoming the Lead Executive Branch Babysitter, excuse me, Chief of Staff. H.R. McMaster’s the National Security Advisor, and hell, he’s still on active duty.
Jefferson Beauregard Sessions, third generation of his family to carry the name of a Confedarate piece of trash and also a second Confederate piece of trash, is living his dream. As Velveeta Goebbels’ Attorney General, he’s turning back the clock to a time when women and minorities knew their place, and mediocre white dudes like himself got to run everything, even if they weren’t especially bright.
Ryan Zinke is like if the crappiest robot in Westworld escaped and jumped into conservative politics. He’s such a cartoon cowboy, I bet his right boot says “Andy” on the bottom.
Secretary of Commerce
When a witch’s curse transformed his master into a Beast and his fellow servants into household objects, Wilbur Ross became a decorative garden gnome. Unlike the rest of his compatriots, he ventured out into the world to make his fortune in the realm of shady international finance and money laundering, and when True Love’s Kiss lifted the curse, Wilbur was too far away for the enchantment to reverse, and thus he remains trapped in gnome form forever.
Secretary of Health and Human Services
If the Hippocratic Oath is binding in any sort of spiritual sense, Tom Price is royally fucked, y’all. There is some straight Dante shit awaitin’ him in the afterlife.
Secretary of Housing and Urban Development
Dr. Ben Carson is only in politics because he was rude President Obama to his face. At the 2013 National Prayer Breakfast, a traditionally non-political event, Dr. Ben, having been invited as the keynote speaker, decided to use his time to shit on the President and his policies.
Secretary of Education
Betsy DeVos is what happens when bored white ladies have enough money to really fuck shit up. Turns out, if you’re born rich and marry richer, you don’t have to settle for a book club, you can buy yourself a whole cabinet department!
Administrator of the EPA
Scott Pruitt, like a lot of boys his age, grew up watching Captain Planet cartoons. Unlike most boys his age, he decided that the various sludge-smog-and-toxic-waste-slinging villains were the role models for him.
Ok, fine. Pruitt is ten years too old to have grown up on Captain Planet, but fuck you, that’s a good opening paragraph. Make your own fucking website, you don’t like it.
Chief of Staff
Nobody wants to be Reince Priebus when they grow up. He’s just so immediately recognizable as a weaselly little tapeworm of a man, y’know?
Reince Priebus is the sort of person who would be played by Brad Dourif in a film.
Steve Bannon played Bob Ewell in a high school production of To Kill a Mockingbird, and liked it so much he decided to stay in the character for the rest of his life.
A self-described Leninist, and an outspoken populist*, Bannon wants to kidney-punch the administrative state, give it a wedgie, and steal its lunch money.
Jared Kushner was born on third base and thinks he invented baseball.
Jared’s dad, Charles Kushner, went to jail for tax evasion, illegal campaign donations, and, ahem, “witness tampering,” by which I mean he set his brother-in-law up with a hooker (not, I’m sad to report, of the Pissing Russian variety) and recorded their genital-smushing in order to blackmail him.
Daddy’s Little Girl
Ivanka Trump is what happens when you cross Gwyneth Paltrow with Mussolini’s dumbest, laziest aide-de-camp. Watching her try to sell her father’s fascism as some sort of pro-woman lifestyle brand, marketed in the sickliest imaginable shade of pink, has been one of the most bizarre subplots of this nightmare we can’t seem to pinch ourselves out of.
So, while Melania Trump is perhaps not as shitty as many of the crooks, Nazis, and Nazi crooks who inhabit her dirtbag husband’s world, she manages to impressively shitty in her own right.
When you worked for Akin, things weren’t simple
Cuz he got caught on tape
With legitimate rape
Senior Advisor for Policy
Why is it always the shittiest imaginable white dudes who turn out to be white supremacists?
Stephen Miller, who started balding eleven seconds after his conception, has by all accounts been a sack of monkey shit pretty much every single minute of his life.
Director of Communications
Oh wow, this new Communications Director looks like a real character, huh?
Where to begin? Ok, Anthony Scaramucci first came to –
Wait, what? Really?
White Supremacist Multi-Tool
Kris Kobach is like the protagonist of the white supremacist version of one of those Disney movies where a kid learns to chase his dreams, no matter how big. The kid gets tired of the monotonous grind of burning crosses on just one lawn at a time, and dreams of burning a cross big enough for the whole dang country!
Maybe he has a talking/singing Confederate flag for a sidekick. Named “Bedford.”
Roving Freelance Fascist
As seen in the famed documentary RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK, when the Ark of the Covenant was opened on an uncharted island north of Crete, the burning light that issued thereof reduced the Nazi soldiers present to piles of ash and molten flesh. In time, the rains washed the fascist bio-goo into the island’s sewage system, where it mixed with the shit and piss and used tampons and such, and in time it congealed, took the shape of a man (albeit an unattractive one), slapped on a pair of glasses, and Sebastian Gorka was formed.
Speaker of the House
Paul Ryan was cloned from a single pubic hair plucked from Ayn Rand post-coitus and grown in a still in Charles Koch’s back yard.
Senate Majority Leader
Many years ago, Gamera was following the Grateful Dead on tour, and engaged in a brief-but-life-affirming affair with an Ohio River ‘gator that hung around Ma McConnell’s pig farm, picking off runts for sustenance. Nine months later, young Mitch emerged from a leathery egg, and devoured his fellow hatchlings, beginning his life-long love affair with hurting children.
Susan Collins is How It Happens Here, folks.
She’s supposed to be the rational centrist. The one who stands up to the increasingly-rabid gaggle of turd-spewing hyenas known as the Republican Party when they go too far. That’s whole point of Susan Collins. It’s the brand she’s been selling the people of Maine for years.
Anybody wondering if the GOP is still the party of Lincoln gets their answer whenever they take in James Daniel Jordan’s tension-racked, jacketless frame as he does his “indignant soccer dad demands to see a manager” routine during a committee hearing. Lincoln? That ship has sailed, caught fire, sunk, and been overrun by sea slugs and the ghosts of unusually shitty pirates. Sorry.
Official Sponsors of American Fascism
Chuck and Davey Koch decided that popping out of a rich lady’s vagina gave them the right to reshape the world however they saw fit, hurting whoever they wanted to in the process, and since the fundamental driving impulse of your average Republican politician is to sell out to the highest bidder, they haven’t exactly been proven wrong.
This Blog Post is God’s Punishment For, Oh Let’s Say the New Charlie Sheen Movie
I tell ya, people…things are crazy in my country these days. Crazier than Peggy Noonan’s version of the Civil War and Reconstruction, and THAT, my friends, is mighty goddamn nutty.
Well, you knew Hurricane Irma was for real when Swollen RageTick Rush Limbaugh decided it wasn’t such a liberal hoax that he was willing to stick around, and ordered a team of interns to roll him north to safety.
Religious nutbags, as they always do, giddily proclaimed the storm to be God’s punishment for not reading enough Left Behind novels or something. One particularly jaggy “pastor” told us the big G would disperse the hurricane if the Supreme Court overturned marriage equality, so if your basement flooded, I guess you’re allowed to kidney-punch Ruth Bader Ginsberg now.
I’ve always envied this particular delusion, that god…like GOD, Lord of All Things, hurts vast numbers of basically decent, innocent people just for disagreeing with YOU personally. If you’re that maliciously crazy and self-centered, how satisfying the world must be. Like, “thousands of homes were destroyed in a tragic mudslide because God’s as mad as I am that The Big Bang Theory is still on,” or maybe “Cindy in accounting won’t go out with me, I bet God murders at least five people for that.”
The Shart Administration delivered the leadership we’ve come to expect in this time of crisis. White House Social Media Director Dan Scavino spread around a video inaccurately claiming to depict conditions at Miami International Airport, because confirming a fact before reporting it is, as you’ll recall, for cucks.
It’s enough to make you think that maybe making your fucking golf caddie into one of the world’s most important communications officials was an unwise choice.
And Scott Pruitt inferred it would be simply UNCOUTH to talk about climate change in the wake of the totally-commonplace-back-to-back monster hurricanes. “Out of respect for the victims, and of course, all the future victims I’m creating by ripping the Environmental Protection Agency apart with my bare hands, we must refuse to politicize this problem, especially as it has a clear political solution which I happen to oppose,” Pruitt huffed, before pouring coal sludge into the EPA office coffee maker.
In times of tragedy, Americans look to their President for hope and inspiration, and the Ol’ Shartcannon didn’t disappoint! No, as hundreds of families lost all they had, as dozens lost their very lives, Donald J Trump (The “J” stands for “Sociopath.”) reminded us of just how fantastic all this suffering was for the Coast Guard’s “brand.” (Cut to: A single tear rolling in slow motion along a bald eagle’s beak. Where the tear strikes the ground, a mighty oak springs forth, unfurling American flags from every branch.)
Let’s check in with Bill over at the Abject Horror Desk. Bill?
Bill at the Abject Horror Desk: Well, Cap, Politico reports the Shart Administration is considering proposing new, smaller “mini-nuke” nuclear weapons, for when you feel like unleashing just a lite fiery holocaust. Kinda of like the salad-with-low-cal-ranch-dressing of genocidal warfare. Maybe just enough to take out CNN headquarters, or Salma Hayek’s house, if she keeps refusing the President’s amorous advances.
Well, that sounds absolutely fucking horrifying, Bill.
Bill at the Abject Horror Desk: It certainly is, Cap. I was actually in the middle of a day-long primal scream just now when you called.
We’ll let you get back to that, Bill. (Bill’s shrieks gradually fade in the chilly autumn wind)
And boy howdy is Jeff Sessions on a roll in his ongoing quest to turn 21st century America into the scariest ten minutes of PLEASANTVILLE. Not only is he re-prosecuting that one uppity broad for the high crime of laughing at him, but he’s going to bat for the oppressed Douchebag Baker class, seeking to deliver them from the Demon Homosexuals Who Think They Have the Right to Buy a Fucking Cake. CAKES ARE FOR STRAIGHTS, YOU DEVIANTS!
Oh, and Ol’ Beauregard, who repeatedly lied under oath about his campaign contacts with Russians, wants to administer lie detector tests to NSC staff, which is not at all the sort of thing that a police state would do, except for the parts that are totally like what a police state would do, which in this particular case is…all of the parts.
Sessions has a kindred spirit in Rich White Shithead Bible Study Buddy/CIA Director Mike Pompeo, who doesn’t want no stinkin’ diversity in his intelligence agency! And if Mikey’s bullheaded insistence on a white-christian-dude-heavy workforce weakens our security and makes the nation less safe, well, at least he’s not responsible for any hurricanes.
We learned that Donnie “No Deals in Russia” sent a letter of intent to pursue Drumpf Dower in Moscow while running for President. Oh, and his company signed a big fat contract with a Chinese government firm for work on a golf course in Dubai, which is surely the most populist thing of all time. It’s ok though. It’s just the President of the United States, personally profiting from a business arrangement with a foreign power.
Wasn’t China supposed to be some malignant evil empire, crushing the American worker beneath its hideous boot, by the way? Wasn’t Shartboy’s whole campaign about standing up to China? So, he’s breaking the law, breaking his word, lining his pockets, all while doing jack shit for the American people…I’d say it’s just about time for CNN to track down a laid-off auto worker who thinks this is all great cuz it pisses the libtards off.
Meanwhile, Bodacious Bob Mueller closes in on the Velveeta Urinal Cake’s inner circle. All the shitweasels are lawyering up, and word is the legal expenses threaten to bankrupt more than a few of them.
Wouldn’t that just be too damn bad, if some of the fuckheads ruining our country found themselves ignominiously bumped down into the classes the GOP spends so much time and energy victimizing? The image of Reince Priebus getting berated by some spittle-drenched Fox Drone for paying with food stamps doesn’t displease me.
Pennsylvania’s Charlie Dent became the latest House Republican to announce that he’ll retire rather than face the righteous fury of the two-years-we’ve-been-waiting-for-the-chance-to-taint-punt-you-fuckers 2018 electorate. Paul Ryan insists this wave of retirements is nothing like rats deserting a sinking ship, but more like a…a bunch of voles…escaping a raft…with a hole in it.
And hey, Vicente Fox is running for President! It’s an outsider candidacy, but I bet he does better than Evan McMullin…it’ll all come down to how well Air Bud jokes play in the Rust Belt.
So, last week, Donnie Two Scoops decided to punish Mitch McConnell and Paul Ryan, giving Democratic leadership everything they wanted in a Harvey aid bill that extended the debt ceiling and government funding for about the length of time it takes to broadcast a season of Game of Thrones.
So naturally, the New York Times (and other mainstream media outlets) eagerly proclaimed him some sort of magical, untethered, deal-making Independent Presidential enigma, the likes of which we have never seen, isn’t it fantastic, interesting, and normal?
Guys. He was swinging his dick around to put Mitch and Paulie in their place. That’s all. He’s still the travel ban guy, the ACA repeal guy, the fuck DACA guy, the Yemen raid guy, the guy who appointed the Breitbart Dream Team as his Cabinet, the guy who wants to roll back regulations and build a big stupid wall and cut rich folks’ taxes.
Just because he’s too fucking dense to understand the issues doesn’t mean he’s a political phenom deftly upending the two party system…he’s just an idiot bumbling around in the dark, shooting off Roman Candles because he’s too stupid to remember where the light switch is.
Steve Bannon slithered onto 60 Minutes for a little interview. Despite wearing fourteen shirts, one on top of the other, to mask his odor, his trademark gin-vomit stench was broadcast into millions of American homes in stunning HD smellovision. Belching up an inky substance which dissolved several microphones over the course of the encounter, Darth Wino mostly blathered about how smart and great and right he is about all things, which explains why he was fired after seven months of heavily-publicized failure.
Meanwhile, Steve-O’s merrily mobilizing all that Magic Mercer Money to mount primary challenges to all those Republican senators who’ve been insufficiently loyal to the Candycorn Skidmark.
Candidate recruiting has gone swimmingly; Bannon will back Mississippi Burning extra Roy Moore against Luther Strange in Alabama, and supports the Golgothan to challenge Jeff Flake in Arizona, and the Guy Who Got Dipped in Toxic Waste and Then Hit by a Var in Robocop to run against Roger Wicker in Mississippi.
KKKris KKKobach spun an easily-and-quickly disproven lie about voter fraud in New Hampshire, but the debunking doesn’t bother him; he understands his audience is the brainwashed moron army so well-conditioned to hate the left that they readily accept the idea that our Presidential candidate runs her own personal child sex slavery ring. And now his Kooky Kulling Kommission is looking into imposing background checks before allowing people to vote…and that’ll be KKKris’ job, of course…sitting in some gothic tower, sipping port, personally selecting the entire electorate.
…and Russian politicians continue boasting about the wedgie they gave American democracy.
The clowns at Fux and Friendz marked the 9/11 anniversary with all the solemnity and class you’d expect of them; wondering when roving gangs of liberal Antifas would tear down all the 9/11 memorials and replace them with statues of Hillary Clinton murdering Seth Rich on Christopher Stevens’ grave, or giant animatronic Matt Damons that talk all day about how much better than you they are.
Didja see where Axios reported that Shart Garfunkel finally realized that “people really fucking hate me?”
Wow. What a Eureka moment. That’s like Stephen Miller noticing his hairline’s receding, or Dane Cook realizing that he’s not funny.
Meanwhile Alex Jones and Roger Stone had a casual chat about how John Kelly is probably drugging the President and dressing him up like a schoolgirl and videotaping him singing “Baby One More Time” so that all the other generals laugh at him and also for kompromat.
And a late-breaking WSJ story sez some of Fat Q*Bert’s lawyers tried to push poor young Jared Kushner out of the White House ‘cuz of all his Russian bizness and the lying about it and what have you. Day’ll come when you regret not taking that advice, Donnie.
Just another typical Monday. Y’know, maybe the Democrat’s midterm message should just be a Return to Boring. Screw “A Better Deal,” just promise me a scenario where I don’t have to check the news every six minutes to make sure the planet isn’t on fire. Gimmie Nancy Pelosi in an ad promising “Shit, sometimes you’ll go a whole week without picking up the newspaper. Get back to thinking about your fantasy football team and which celebrities are fucking. Doesn’t that sound NICE?”
Yes it does, Nancy…yes it does.