This Blog Post is God’s Punishment For, Oh Let’s Say the New Charlie Sheen Movie

I tell ya, people…things are crazy in my country these days. Crazier than Peggy Noonan’s version of the Civil War and Reconstruction, and THAT, my friends, is mighty goddamn nutty.

Well, you knew Hurricane Irma was for real when Swollen RageTick Rush Limbaugh decided it wasn’t such a liberal hoax that he was willing to stick around, and ordered a team of interns to roll him north to safety.

Religious nutbags, as they always do, giddily proclaimed the storm to be God’s punishment for not reading enough Left Behind novels or something. One particularly jaggy “pastor” told us the big G would disperse the hurricane if the Supreme Court overturned marriage equality, so if your basement flooded, I guess you’re allowed to kidney-punch Ruth Bader Ginsberg now.

I’ve always envied this particular delusion, that god…like GOD, Lord of All Things, hurts vast numbers of basically decent, innocent people just for disagreeing with YOU personally. If you’re that maliciously crazy and self-centered, how satisfying the world must be. Like, “thousands of homes were destroyed in a tragic mudslide because God’s as mad as I am that The Big Bang Theory is still on,” or maybe “Cindy in accounting won’t go out with me, I bet God murders at least five people for that.”

Anyhow.

The Shart Administration delivered the leadership we’ve come to expect in this time of crisis. White House Social Media Director Dan Scavino spread around a video inaccurately claiming to depict conditions at Miami International Airport, because confirming a fact before reporting it is, as you’ll recall, for cucks.

It’s enough to make you think that maybe making your fucking golf caddie into one of the world’s most important communications officials was an unwise choice.

And Scott Pruitt inferred it would be simply UNCOUTH to talk about climate change in the wake of the totally-commonplace-back-to-back monster hurricanes. “Out of respect for the victims, and of course, all the future victims I’m creating by ripping the Environmental Protection Agency apart with my bare hands, we must refuse to politicize this problem, especially as it has a clear political solution which I happen to oppose,” Pruitt huffed, before pouring coal sludge into the EPA office coffee maker.

In times of tragedy, Americans look to their President for hope and inspiration, and the Ol’ Shartcannon didn’t disappoint! No, as hundreds of families lost all they had, as dozens lost their very lives, Donald J Trump (The “J” stands for “Sociopath.”) reminded us of just how fantastic all this suffering was for the Coast Guard’s “brand.” (Cut to: A single tear rolling in slow motion along a bald eagle’s beak. Where the tear strikes the ground, a mighty oak springs forth, unfurling American flags from every branch.)

Let’s check in with Bill over at the Abject Horror Desk. Bill?

Bill at the Abject Horror Desk: Well, Cap, Politico reports the Shart Administration is considering proposing new, smaller “mini-nuke” nuclear weapons, for when you feel like unleashing just a lite fiery holocaust. Kinda of like the salad-with-low-cal-ranch-dressing of genocidal warfare. Maybe just enough to take out CNN headquarters, or Salma Hayek’s house, if she keeps refusing the President’s amorous advances.

Well, that sounds absolutely fucking horrifying, Bill.

Bill at the Abject Horror Desk: It certainly is, Cap. I was actually in the middle of a day-long primal scream just now when you called.

We’ll let you get back to that, Bill. (Bill’s shrieks gradually fade in the chilly autumn wind)

And boy howdy is Jeff Sessions on a roll in his ongoing quest to turn 21st century America into the scariest ten minutes of PLEASANTVILLE. Not only is he re-prosecuting that one uppity broad for the high crime of laughing at him, but he’s going to bat for the oppressed Douchebag Baker class, seeking to deliver them from the Demon Homosexuals Who Think They Have the Right to Buy a Fucking Cake. CAKES ARE FOR STRAIGHTS, YOU DEVIANTS!

Oh, and Ol’ Beauregard, who repeatedly lied under oath about his campaign contacts with Russians, wants to administer lie detector tests to NSC staff, which is not at all the sort of thing that a police state would do, except for the parts that are totally like what a police state would do, which in this particular case is…all of the parts.

Sessions has a kindred spirit in Rich White Shithead Bible Study Buddy/CIA Director Mike Pompeo, who doesn’t want no stinkin’ diversity in his intelligence agency! And if Mikey’s bullheaded insistence on a white-christian-dude-heavy workforce weakens our security and makes the nation less safe, well, at least he’s not responsible for any hurricanes.

We learned that Donnie “No Deals in Russia” sent a letter of intent to pursue Drumpf Dower in Moscow while running for President. Oh, and his company signed a big fat contract with a Chinese government firm for work on a golf course in Dubai, which is surely the most populist thing of all time. It’s ok though. It’s just the President of the United States, personally profiting from a business arrangement with a foreign power.

Wasn’t China supposed to be some malignant evil empire, crushing the American worker beneath its hideous boot, by the way? Wasn’t Shartboy’s whole campaign about standing up to China? So, he’s breaking the law, breaking his word, lining his pockets, all while doing jack shit for the American people…I’d say it’s just about time for CNN to track down a laid-off auto worker who thinks this is all great cuz it pisses the libtards off.

Meanwhile, Bodacious Bob Mueller closes in on the Velveeta Urinal Cake’s inner circle. All the shitweasels are lawyering up, and word is the legal expenses threaten to bankrupt more than a few of them.

Wouldn’t that just be too damn bad, if some of the fuckheads ruining our country found themselves ignominiously bumped down into the classes the GOP spends so much time and energy victimizing? The image of Reince Priebus getting berated by some spittle-drenched Fox Drone for paying with food stamps doesn’t displease me.

Pennsylvania’s Charlie Dent became the latest House Republican to announce that he’ll retire rather than face the righteous fury of the two-years-we’ve-been-waiting-for-the-chance-to-taint-punt-you-fuckers 2018 electorate. Paul Ryan insists this wave of retirements is nothing like rats deserting a sinking ship, but more like a…a bunch of voles…escaping a raft…with a hole in it.

And hey, Vicente Fox is running for President! It’s an outsider candidacy, but I bet he does better than Evan McMullin…it’ll all come down to how well Air Bud jokes play in the Rust Belt.

So, last week, Donnie Two Scoops decided to punish Mitch McConnell and Paul Ryan, giving Democratic leadership everything they wanted in a Harvey aid bill that extended the debt ceiling and government funding for about the length of time it takes to broadcast a season of Game of Thrones.

So naturally, the New York Times (and other mainstream media outlets) eagerly proclaimed him some sort of magical, untethered, deal-making Independent Presidential enigma, the likes of which we have never seen, isn’t it fantastic, interesting, and normal?

Guys. He was swinging his dick around to put Mitch and Paulie in their place. That’s all. He’s still the travel ban guy, the ACA repeal guy, the fuck DACA guy, the Yemen raid guy, the guy who appointed the Breitbart Dream Team as his Cabinet, the guy who wants to roll back regulations and build a big stupid wall and cut rich folks’ taxes.

Just because he’s too fucking dense to understand the issues doesn’t mean he’s a political phenom deftly upending the two party system…he’s just an idiot bumbling around in the dark, shooting off Roman Candles because he’s too stupid to remember where the light switch is.

Steve Bannon slithered onto 60 Minutes for a little interview. Despite wearing fourteen shirts, one on top of the other, to mask his odor, his trademark gin-vomit stench was broadcast into millions of American homes in stunning HD smellovision. Belching up an inky substance which dissolved several microphones over the course of the encounter, Darth Wino mostly blathered about how smart and great and right he is about all things, which explains why he was fired after seven months of heavily-publicized failure.

Meanwhile, Steve-O’s merrily mobilizing all that Magic Mercer Money to mount primary challenges to all those Republican senators who’ve been insufficiently loyal to the Candycorn Skidmark.

Candidate recruiting has gone swimmingly; Bannon will back Mississippi Burning extra Roy Moore against Luther Strange in Alabama, and supports the Golgothan to challenge Jeff Flake in Arizona, and the Guy Who Got Dipped in Toxic Waste and Then Hit by a Var in Robocop to run against Roger Wicker in Mississippi.

KKKris KKKobach spun an easily-and-quickly disproven lie about voter fraud in New Hampshire, but the debunking doesn’t bother him; he understands his audience is the brainwashed moron army so well-conditioned to hate the left that they readily accept the idea that our Presidential candidate runs her own personal child sex slavery ring. And now his Kooky Kulling Kommission is looking into imposing background checks before allowing people to vote…and that’ll be KKKris’ job, of course…sitting in some gothic tower, sipping port, personally selecting the entire electorate.

…and Russian politicians continue boasting about the wedgie they gave American democracy.

The clowns at Fux and Friendz marked the 9/11 anniversary with all the solemnity and class you’d expect of them; wondering when roving gangs of liberal Antifas would tear down all the 9/11 memorials and replace them with statues of Hillary Clinton murdering Seth Rich on Christopher Stevens’ grave, or giant animatronic Matt Damons that talk all day about how much better than you they are.

At least SCROTUS didn’t brag about his building’s surprise bump in the tallness standings, or whinge about “haters and losers,”…this year.

Didja see where Axios reported that Shart Garfunkel finally realized that “people really fucking hate me?”

Wow. What a Eureka moment. That’s like Stephen Miller noticing his hairline’s receding, or Dane Cook realizing that he’s not funny.

And yeah, Shart-Shart…we DO really fucking hate you. You’re taking heat from everybody from Miss Texas to the ever-lovin’ Pope. You deserve all of it and more.

Meanwhile Alex Jones and Roger Stone had a casual chat about how John Kelly is probably drugging the President and dressing him up like a schoolgirl and videotaping him singing “Baby One More Time” so that all the other generals laugh at him and also for kompromat.

And a late-breaking WSJ story sez some of Fat Q*Bert’s lawyers tried to push poor young Jared Kushner out of the White House ‘cuz of all his Russian bizness and the lying about it and what have you. Day’ll come when you regret not taking that advice, Donnie.

Just another typical Monday. Y’know, maybe the Democrat’s midterm message should just be a Return to Boring. Screw “A Better Deal,” just promise me a scenario where I don’t have to check the news every six minutes to make sure the planet isn’t on fire. Gimmie Nancy Pelosi in an ad promising “Shit, sometimes you’ll go a whole week without picking up the newspaper. Get back to thinking about your fantasy football team and which celebrities are fucking. Doesn’t that sound NICE?”

Yes it does, Nancy…yes it does.