Mike Pence is the Patron Saint of Mediocre White Dudes, and the Roman God of Failing Upwards.
A Democrat in his youth, Pence, like many men of limited intelligence, turned to religious conservatism for the convenience of being able to end arguments by claiming God shares his every fear and prejudice, while forgiving his every shortcoming, how convenient.
Secretary of State
Over the course of three decades, Rex Tillerson fucked, bribed, and murdered his way to the top of Exxon Mobil, like some sort of jowlsy Eva Peron.
Secretary of the Treasury
Steve Mnuchin, like his namesake, the Noise You Make When You’re Dry Heaving After Getting Food Poisoning From Eating Truck Stop Gas Station Roller Hot Pockets on a Road Trip, is deeply unpleasant, and may result in the involuntary voiding of foul-smelling bodily fluids.
Secretary of Defense
Chief of Staff
National Security Advisor
Holy shit, there are Generals all over the place these days, aren’t there?
Retired General James Mattis serves as Secretary of Defense. Retired General John Kelly ran Homeland Security for a bit, before becoming the Lead Executive Branch Babysitter, excuse me, Chief of Staff. H.R. McMaster’s the National Security Advisor, and hell, he’s still on active duty.
Jefferson Beauregard Sessions, third generation of his family to carry the name of a Confedarate piece of trash and also a second Confederate piece of trash, is living his dream. As Velveeta Goebbels’ Attorney General, he’s turning back the clock to a time when women and minorities knew their place, and mediocre white dudes like himself got to run everything, even if they weren’t especially bright.
Ryan Zinke is like if the crappiest robot in Westworld escaped and jumped into conservative politics. He’s such a cartoon cowboy, I bet his right boot says “Andy” on the bottom.
Secretary of Commerce
When a witch’s curse transformed his master into a Beast and his fellow servants into household objects, Wilbur Ross became a decorative garden gnome. Unlike the rest of his compatriots, he ventured out into the world to make his fortune in the realm of shady international finance and money laundering, and when True Love’s Kiss lifted the curse, Wilbur was too far away for the enchantment to reverse, and thus he remains trapped in gnome form forever.
Secretary of Health and Human Services
If the Hippocratic Oath is binding in any sort of spiritual sense, Tom Price is royally fucked, y’all. There is some straight Dante shit awaitin’ him in the afterlife.
Secretary of Housing and Urban Development
Dr. Ben Carson is only in politics because he was rude President Obama to his face. At the 2013 National Prayer Breakfast, a traditionally non-political event, Dr. Ben, having been invited as the keynote speaker, decided to use his time to shit on the President and his policies.
Secretary of Education
Betsy DeVos is what happens when bored white ladies have enough money to really fuck shit up. Turns out, if you’re born rich and marry richer, you don’t have to settle for a book club, you can buy yourself a whole cabinet department!
Administrator of the EPA
Scott Pruitt, like a lot of boys his age, grew up watching Captain Planet cartoons. Unlike most boys his age, he decided that the various sludge-smog-and-toxic-waste-slinging villains were the role models for him.
Ok, fine. Pruitt is ten years too old to have grown up on Captain Planet, but fuck you, that’s a good opening paragraph. Make your own fucking website, you don’t like it.
Chief of Staff
Nobody wants to be Reince Priebus when they grow up. He’s just so immediately recognizable as a weaselly little tapeworm of a man, y’know?
Reince Priebus is the sort of person who would be played by Brad Dourif in a film.
Steve Bannon played Bob Ewell in a high school production of To Kill a Mockingbird, and liked it so much he decided to stay in the character for the rest of his life.
A self-described Leninist, and an outspoken populist*, Bannon wants to kidney-punch the administrative state, give it a wedgie, and steal its lunch money.
Jared Kushner was born on third base and thinks he invented baseball.
Jared’s dad, Charles Kushner, went to jail for tax evasion, illegal campaign donations, and, ahem, “witness tampering,” by which I mean he set his brother-in-law up with a hooker (not, I’m sad to report, of the Pissing Russian variety) and recorded their genital-smushing in order to blackmail him.
When you worked for Akin, things weren’t simple
Cuz he got caught on tape
With legitimate rape
Senior Advisor for Policy
Why is it always the shittiest imaginable white dudes who turn out to be white supremacists?
Stephen Miller, who started balding eleven seconds after his conception, has by all accounts been a sack of monkey shit pretty much every single minute of his life.
Director of Communications
Oh wow, this new Communications Director looks like a real character, huh?
Where to begin? Ok, Anthony Scaramucci first came to –
Wait, what? Really?
White Supremacist Multi-Tool
Kris Kobach is like the protagonist of the white supremacist version of one of those Disney movies where a kid learns to chase his dreams, no matter how big. The kid gets tired of the monotonous grind of burning crosses on just one lawn at a time, and dreams of burning a cross big enough for the whole dang country!
Maybe he has a talking/singing Confederate flag for a sidekick. Named “Bedford.”
Roving Freelance Fascist
As seen in the famed documentary RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK, when the Ark of the Covenant was opened on an uncharted island north of Crete, the burning light that issued thereof reduced the Nazi soldiers present to piles of ash and molten flesh. In time, the rains washed the fascist bio-goo into the island’s sewage system, where it mixed with the shit and piss and used tampons and such, and in time it congealed, took the shape of a man (albeit an unattractive one), slapped on a pair of glasses, and Sebastian Gorka was formed.
Speaker of the House
Paul Ryan was cloned from a single pubic hair plucked from Ayn Rand post-coitus and grown in a still in Charles Koch’s back yard.
Senate Majority Leader
Many years ago, Gamera was following the Grateful Dead on tour, and engaged in a brief-but-life-affirming affair with an Ohio River ‘gator that hung around Ma McConnell’s pig farm, picking off runts for sustenance. Nine months later, young Mitch emerged from a leathery egg, and devoured his fellow hatchlings, beginning his life-long love affair with hurting children.
31 Flavors of Fuckery, but I’ll Just Have a Mueller Genuine Draft
Shit is getting real, y’all. Shit is hitting the fan. REAL SHIT IS HITTING THE FAN AND WHILE I CANNOT DEFINITIVELY TESTIFY TO THE REALNESS OF THE FAN IT SEEMS LIKELY THAT IS IN FACT REAL OTHERWISE THE SHIT WOULD HAVE FLOWN THROUGH IT AND HIT THE WALL BEHIND THE FAN, RIGHT?
There was a serious surge in Republican Fuckery this week, wasn’t there?
…well, at least we understand why, now. Heh.
Hell with it, let’s dive right into the deep end of the Fuckery pool. Immigration agents detained a 10-year girl with cerebral palsy. I can’t believe I typed that without puking on my hands. Fuckers STOPPED A LITTLE GIRL’S AMBULANCE on the way to emergency surgery, but o-so-magnanimously allowed her to continue the hospital, only to linger outside her room to take her into custody the very moment she was released.
Thanks so much, Drumpf/ICE/Kelly/Sessions, whichever of you fucks are responsible! Thank you for protecting me from the TEN YEAR OLD GIRL WITH CEREBRAL PALSY!
Jesus, if this is what you’re spending my tax money on, I’d rather you just went ahead and golfed 24/7. You evil fucks. Let’s keep bump stocks legal while we deport ten year olds.
In International Fuckery, Secretary of State Tillerson decided to close the office that oversees sanctions, even as the Shart Administration drags its feet implementing new sanctions on Mamma Russia. Low-T Rex is like that grumpy, penny-pinching grandpa, scowling as he shambles from room to room, turning off lights and unplugging machines to save on the electric bill, never realizing he’s in a hospital.
Now, Betsy DeVos isn’t about to get out-Fuckeried by a Dumpy Old Thumb like Rex, so she’s looking at reversing the Obama-era policy of fully forgiving student loan debt for those defrauded by fake, shitty, for-profit colleges COUGHCOUGHTRUMPUNIVERSITY. Apparently, all that kept America from becoming great again was too many protections for disabled kids, too few for campus rapists, and the government being a total cuck about clawing back debt from fraud victims.
And the President’s Loyal Huntin’ Dawg, Beauregard, wants his own float in the Fuckery Parade. Here he is raging his shitty Klansman head off about all those dirty Yankee judges failing to show the proper respect to Il Douche and his petty band of Administrative State Deconstructers.
Jefferson’s no fool. Of all the highest-ranking bastards in this Gaggle of Assfungi, he’s the one who understands the law best. He knows the reckoning day’s a-coming, and he just wants to fuck up as many non-white folks’ lives as he possibly can before the FBI knocks on his door.
So, after activists filed a lawsuit challenging the integrity of the special election in the Georgia sixth, the university hosting the electoral data played a rousing game of Whoops I Erased The Server! Local Fuckery!
I only bring this up because I keep getting mixed messages on the issue of digital security. I can’t quite pin it down, but I feel like I remember some folks raising a bit of a stink over somebody erasing a server or something? Help me out…
The good folks over at the ACLU (who would put your donation to excellent use, don’tcha know) uncovered documentation of KKKris KKKobach’s burning drive to inflict his own special brand of Fuckery on the entire nation. KKKris does NOT want you to be allowed to vote, especially if you belong some minority group that’s statistically disinclined to support fascists like him and his rectal tumor of a boss.
Peeking into the Fuckery From Days Gone By Files, the Failing New York Times reports that Natalia V. Veselnitskaya brought a set of Kremlin-approved talking points to the famous Boy Howdy Do I EVER Wanna Collude With You meeting with Shart, Jr., now set to be honored in the Guinness Book of World Records as the Most Lied-About Gathering of People in Human History.
In the Majestic Fuckery of Nature column, it seems the Candycorn Skidmark wants to shrink Bear Ears National Monument. That’s probably one of the President’s Top 10 accomplishments, nearly a year in. Shrinking a National Monument. Someday grade school kids will give book reports on that one. America. Fuck yeah.
Looking now to the Wide World of Sports Fuckery, didja see where the owner of the NFL’s Houston Texans got all Rich Guy Mad at his manservants, er…”players” and their uppity kneeling? Yes yes, he lamented, from behind his monocle and beneath his top hat, we can’t have the inmates running the prison, HARUMPH HARUMPH.
Good luck attracting free agents this offseason, Texans Oligarch Man!
Hey, speaking of wealthy jagoffs, the muckety-mucks of a major private prison mega-corp moved their “Let’s Celebrate Our Rampant Fuckery” conference to one of the Sunny D-Bag’s golf courses, just as a way of saying “Hey, thanks for for all the extra business, You Big Fat Racist Shithole, You.” I’m sure Jeff Sessions will be a guest of honor as well, because hey, a new generation of young black men ain’t gonna throw THEMSELVES into the prison/industrial complex, amiright? AMIRIGHT?
The Human Garbage Pail Kid finally declared the opioid crisis a public health emergency, which sounds like he maybe did something halfway decent, just to switch things up, but nah, he didn’t allocate any new resources to actually DO anything, he just said “This is a thing that is bad.” Also, he seems to think slapping a couple “Just Say No” posters up in the halls of assorted middle schools will take care of the whole problem.
There was much furrowing of brows and clutching of pearls over a poll that showed a slim majority of Democrats approving of George W. Bush! Chillax, folks. He’d just given a big speech shitting on a certain carrot-hued wannabe tyrant, and there was a little lingering warmth from that; it doesn’t mean the party platform will call for Social Security privatization next year.
Down in Puerto Rico, they still don’t have power. What they DO have is Ryan Zinke’s grifteriffic buddies, and their AMAZING just-give-us-all-the-fucking-money-and-you-can-shove-any-oversight-up-your-rosy-red-ass contract.
Now, Cowboy Z is SUPER indignant that anyone’s suggesting he had ANYTHING to do with Whitefish landing this $300 million, no-bid contract. Even though it’s based in his hometown. And his son worked for them. And he already helped them get a contract in Montana once before.
Nope, Puerto Rico just called up two random fuckjobs in Montana and said “Hey, would you like a $300 million dollar contract? We’ll throw in $400 per diems, plus, for no reason whatsoever, we’ll preemptively waive any right to audit or sue if you happen to fuck up or rip us off in any way. Basically just take our money and do whatever you fucking feel like with it.
They’re also burning bodies down in Puerto Rico. Horrifyingly, they’ve cremated more than 900 bodies since the hurricane, all of which they say died of Natural Causes and Now That They’re All Ash, You Can’t Say Any Different.
Because your government has botched hurricane relief efforts so badly that they’re DESTROYING BODIES TO COVER UP THE DEATH TOLL.
Halloween season ain’t skimping on horror this year.
Because he’s a blithering moron who can’t do anything right, somehow the American President managed to fuck up giving Halloween candy to some kids. I guess they were the press’ kids, so he could just barely stop himself from telling them to murder their lying parents in their sleep? Anyway, he said how great it was that they weren’t fat fucks like himself, and sent them on their way.
The guy who can’t handle PASSING OUT FUCKING HALLOWEEN CANDY wants to start a war with a nuclear-armed nation. I just really hope all you Jill Still voters are SUPER proud of yourselves.
Anyway. Obviously the biggest bit of Fuckery, some truly eerily well-coordinated Fuckery, was the sudden consensus, from the Shart House to Congress to the right wing media bubble all the way down to the lowliest Russian Twitter bot, was that these silly collusion investigations had more or less run their course, and it’s gettin’ to be about quittin’ time, don’tcha think? After all, we can’t keep spending taxpayer money! This isn’t BENGHAZI for pity’s sake!
For a little extra punch, they dredged up the long-ago discredited Hillary/Uranium story from the campaign trail…something about Clinton trading all our precious atomic power to the Russians in return for elite Soviet lesbian hookers or something. I don’t know, it never made any sense.
Oh, and Comey and Mueller were there too, I guess? Selling aborted baby parts on behalf of Planned Parenthood? I don’t fucking know, it’s just ‘sposed to be some massive, all-compassing Pile of Badness that coincidentally encompasses everyone who’s dangerous to the cabal of cheap crooks squatting in the White House.
Paul Waldman‘s on to these fuckers. Not that their plan is especially crafty. Just scream about…something, anything, to distract the Rubes.
In the “Nazi Fuckery” Department, everybody’s favorite Deposed Fascist Advisor, “Doctor” Sebastian Gorka decided to lend his own special blend of spices to the mix (SPOILER: they are Nazi spices), talking about how great it would be if we could just execute Hillary Clinton. Because Seb is a Nazi. A bloodthirsty Nazi who worked in the White House until very, very recently.
Anyway, it didn’t take long to figure out why Operation Please Dear God Please Change the Subject launched when it did.
For on a late October night we’re likely to remember for some time, Bashful Bob Mueller dropped the first of what will likely wind up being a whole pianoful of hammers.
Team Mueller filed their first indictment. Or perhaps indictmentZ? We found out Friday, but they don’t get unsealed until Monday. Plenty of time for plenty of assholes to poop plenty of pants.
Hannity, Gorka, and especially Roger Stone had particularly memorable Twitter meltdowns in response. Roger done got himself banned from the Pneumatic Tweeting Machine, possibly for life, for threatening a bunch of journalists. Innocent men threaten journalists all the time, right?
Corey Lewandowski even flipped his shit live on teevee, about how Pay No Attention to the Indictments Behind the Curtain, focus on the “lies of the Clinton administration,” because these fucks are really, really wishing they HAD lost last November.
And while it’s fun to laugh at these buffoons as they blunder about, tripping over their own feet, let’s not ignore the fact that Dana Boente, U.S. Attorney for the Eastern District of Virginia, suddenly and unexpectedly resigned Saturday. Donald J. Trump (The “J” stands for “Fuck Nixon, I am TOTALLY a crook”) wants to name his own boy for the district, y’see, since Donald J. Trump falls under its jurisdiction as long as he’s President.
And of course Little Donnie Two-Scoops wants State to release more of Madame Hilldawg’s old e-mails. He also ordered the lifting of a gag order on an informant in his futile quest to force America to take the uranium story hoax seriously. There’s a silver bullet there someplace, Shart-O. You should get your hopes way, way up for that.
Desperate for anything resembling good news, Dorito Mussolini tweeted out his schadenfreude that Michael Moore’s Broadway show shut down in humiliating failure. Of course, Moore’s show merely completed its pre-announced run as scheduled, so there is truly no joy whatsoever in Mudville.
Fuckhead even tried stealing the credit for the release of the Kennedy assassination files. That’s how desperate for a win he is. Heh. You’re really gonna HATE Monday, Donnie. Like Garfield to the power of Garfield. That is your Monday.
Things are about to pretty nutty, folks. God only knows what this narcissistic doofus will do as the walls close in. If this morning’s Twitter rant is any indication, he won’t think twice about tearing the whole damn country apart to cover his own ass.
But as he and his sycophants desperately spread their misinformation, never forget there are more of us. His supporters were the minority on Election Day, and that base has done nothing but shrink since. It’s gonna get rough, but we’ll get through this shit.
Point is, be strong, be vigilant…be like this woman.