Shartboy in Paris, or Vive la Cray!

So, the Shart Administration likes their little theme weeks. “Infrastructure Week” and “Golf and Naptime Week” and “Jesus Christ Can’t We Find Anyone on the Planet to Replace Reince Priebus Week.” Today was “Let’s Show the World What a Bunch of Bumbling, Brain-Dead, Malicious, Jagoffs We All Are” Day.

Kellyanne decided to get a head start on Hannity last night with her little flash cards, which is hilarious not only for the relentless parodying they earned on the internet, but because most Drumpf voters can’t read in the first place.

Idiocy, after all, is central to defending Shart Junior’s “Hey kid, wanna buy some treason?”/”BOY DO I!” troubles. Aw, he’s just a KID, everyone’s saying. He doesn’t know what he’s doing! How do you expect a 39-year-old manchild to know that colluding with a hostile foreign government is bad? Look at him! He’s barely a functioning human being! He keeps licking Wilbur Ross because he thinks he’s a lollipop!

Boss Shart himself keeps playing the Dumbass in the Dark card, telling anybody who’ll listen that he just found out about the meeting his son, son-in-law, and campaign manager had with an alleged agent of a hostile foreign power when he read about it in the Failing New York Times over the weekend. But tonight, Yahoo tells us that Donnie’s lawyers learned all this three weeks ago, from the Failing Jared Kushner.

Whoopsie.

Speaking of Jar-Jar, and also of the I’m-just-dumb-as-a-clump-of-dirt defense, having been nailed several times for failing to disclose meetings with foreign agents, he’s amended his SF-86 national security form, cuz a few meetings may’ve slipped his mind the first time he filled it out, excuse me, “lied all over it assuming he’s too rich to ever face consequences.”

Hey, who hasn’t forgotten a meeting here and there, right? Wait, what? He needed to amend it THREE times? Adding over a hundred names? Jesus Fuck.

Somehow this clown still has a high level security clearance, despite committing an offense that would earn any member of military a swift Court Martial. Shit, the House GOP even blocked a vote to strip him of it, because information security is only for Lady Secretaries of State when they’re running for President.

The President’s Loyal Huntin’ Dawg, Beauregard, decided he wants in on some of this hawt above-the-law action! Responding to a court order to release details of his own campaign contacts with Ruskies, Ol’ Beau decided to be all cutesy and release a mostly-blank sheet of paper. Sources tell me that, in addition, when a courier came for the document, Sessions briefly humped the courier’s leg, before yapping loudly and incessantly until he was out of sight.

Whelp, the Marmalade Shartcannon went to Paris, France today! He stepped off the plane, and said, “By gum, before I head home, I’m gonna embarrass the shit out of every man, woman and child in America!” And for the first time, perhaps in his life, he kept his promise.

He ogled Emmanuel Macron’s wife for a bit, like a pervert lurking in the bushes outside a sorority house, then tried to rip her arm off. He gave a little speech suggesting that most folks don’t know France was our ally way back during the Revolution, leading America’s fourth-graders to collectively facepalm while sighing “Christ, what an asshole.” He probably tried to break into the Louvre to rub his ass on the paintings.

And I guess, on Air Force One, Toupee Fiasco was going a few rounds with the press corps, and casually suggested that his Big Dumb Wall be not only solar-powered, but…transparent. A see-through solar wall, because people throw big heavy bags of drugs over the wall, and…you want the people throwing the bags of drugs to make sure they don’t hit anybody with their heavy drug bags?

I was 100% certain that story was Borowitz or something when I first saw it, but holy shit, here it is in WaPo. “An’ the wall’s gonna have a moat alongside it but, like, filled with LAVA, and there’ll be alligators that can breathe lava that live in the moat, I’m using the money I’m cutting from Meals on Wheels to speed up the Lava Gator research, Bannon tells me we’re real close.”

Fake Doctor/Actual Nazi Sebastian Gorka popped up on CNN to defend his boss’ I’m-not-a-Russian-agent-your-FACE-is-a-Russian-agent decision to reward Putin for attacking our democracy by returning the spy compounds we confiscated, literally saying “we want to give collaboration a chance,” because Parody is dead.

Regrettably, Gorka once again escaped before Indiana Jones arrived at his location. One day, Sebastian…

YertleCare 2.0, Now With More Cruz! had its big unveiling today as well. Cruz’ amendment holds with the belief the Founding Fathers held so near and dear, that All Men are Created Equal, Except Those With Preexisting Conditions, For They are Moochers and Takers and Should Have the Decency to Die Somewhere Where We Don’t Have to Look at Them.

Susan Collins and Rand Paul hastily called dibs on the two free Nah votes, leaving half a dozen or so others deciding if they’d rather be held responsible for breaking the biggest, loudest, GOP promise of the last decade, or, y’know, the senseless mass murder of thousands of Americans in the name of letting the Koch brothers add to their collection of pillaged ancient Egyptian mummies.

Dean Heller has to go home and ask his dad. Murkowski, Capito, and Portman have to spend the weekend determining whether or not they’ve been sufficiently bribed. Even Cruz himself is conducting his own whip operation, threatening to spend time socially with any Republicans who oppose the bill.

Anyhow, we need to put this fucker to bed once and for all this weekend, so get on the phones, Resistors.

Marc Kasowitz, Chief Attorney to the Hairplug That Ate Decency, made his own headlines this evening, when ProPublica published an email where he loses his shit all over some dude who was actually giving him the best advice any human being ever gave another, namely QUIT WORKING FOR YOUR SEWER CLOG OF A CLIENT. Kasowitz apologized, and is reportedly struggling with alcoholism, but fuck him anyway for representing that assclown.

To provide a distinct counterpoint to all this humiliating, revolting, tragic, corruption and incompetence, Jimmy Carter required medical treatment today, because he was working his ass off in the hot sun building housing for the less privileged at 92 FUCKING YEARS OLD. Meanwhile the guy we’re stuck with needs a golf cart to get through a parade.

I’m sure I’ve missed some stuff. We’re up to our tits in bat guano, shit is so goddamn nucking futz these days. And fuck, the congressional hearings really heat up next week, so, you know…buy a helmet, folks.

PS….hang on…Peter Smith, the Republican Dirty Trickster from the WSJ story, who tried to collaborate with the Russians to get ahold of Hilldawg’s emails…committed suicide? You are shitting me. You are absolutely shitting me.

I’d very much like to wake up now.