Mike Pence is the Patron Saint of Mediocre White Dudes, and the Roman God of Failing Upwards.
A Democrat in his youth, Pence, like many men of limited intelligence, turned to religious conservatism for the convenience of being able to end arguments by claiming God shares his every fear and prejudice, while forgiving his every shortcoming, how convenient.
Secretary of State
Mike Pompeo is one of those performatively pious fake Christians who loves using his loudly-claimed-but-seldom-followed faith like a cudgel while ignoring every single word of the actual Bible, including “and” and “the.”
Secretary of State
Over the course of three decades, Rex Tillerson fucked, bribed, and murdered his way to the top of Exxon Mobil, like some sort of jowlsy Eva Peron.
William Barr actually taught me a valuable lesson. See, I didn’t look too closely at Bill when he was nominated to be Attorney General. After Jeff “Too Racist for the 80’s” Sessions and the masculine toilet guy, honestly, he looked like a nice, refreshing, safe, traditional Republican. An institutionalist who could bring a little much-needed stability.
And then he turned out to be a fascist, and one of the most dangerous enemies of democracy in American history. Whoops. My bad.
Secretary of the Treasury
Steve Mnuchin, like his namesake, the Noise You Make When You’re Dry Heaving After Getting Food Poisoning From Eating Truck Stop Gas Station Roller Hot Pockets on a Road Trip, is deeply unpleasant, and may result in the involuntary voiding of foul-smelling bodily fluids.
Secretary of Defense
Chief of Staff
National Security Advisor
Holy shit, there are Generals all over the place these days, aren’t there?
Retired General James Mattis serves as Secretary of Defense. Retired General John Kelly ran Homeland Security for a bit, before becoming the Lead Executive Branch Babysitter, excuse me, Chief of Staff. H.R. McMaster’s the National Security Advisor, and hell, he’s still on active duty.
Jefferson Beauregard Sessions, third generation of his family to carry the name of a Confedarate piece of trash and also a second Confederate piece of trash, is living his dream. As Velveeta Goebbels’ Attorney General, he’s turning back the clock to a time when women and minorities knew their place, and mediocre white dudes like himself got to run everything, even if they weren’t especially bright.
Ryan Zinke is like if the crappiest robot in Westworld escaped and jumped into conservative politics. He’s such a cartoon cowboy, I bet his right boot says “Andy” on the bottom.
Secretary of Commerce
When a witch’s curse transformed his master into a Beast and his fellow servants into household objects, Wilbur Ross became a decorative garden gnome. Unlike the rest of his compatriots, he ventured out into the world to make his fortune in the realm of shady international finance and money laundering, and when True Love’s Kiss lifted the curse, Wilbur was too far away for the enchantment to reverse, and thus he remains trapped in gnome form forever.
Secretary of Health and Human Services
If the Hippocratic Oath is binding in any sort of spiritual sense, Tom Price is royally fucked, y’all. There is some straight Dante shit awaitin’ him in the afterlife.
Secretary of Housing and Urban Development
Dr. Ben Carson is only in politics because he was rude President Obama to his face. At the 2013 National Prayer Breakfast, a traditionally non-political event, Dr. Ben, having been invited as the keynote speaker, decided to use his time to shit on the President and his policies.
Secretary of Education
Betsy DeVos is what happens when bored white ladies have enough money to really fuck shit up. Turns out, if you’re born rich and marry richer, you don’t have to settle for a book club, you can buy yourself a whole cabinet department!
Administrator of the EPA
Scott Pruitt, like a lot of boys his age, grew up watching Captain Planet cartoons. Unlike most boys his age, he decided that the various sludge-smog-and-toxic-waste-slinging villains were the role models for him.
Ok, fine. Pruitt is ten years too old to have grown up on Captain Planet, but fuck you, that’s a good opening paragraph. Make your own fucking website, you don’t like it.
Chief of Staff
Nobody wants to be Reince Priebus when they grow up. He’s just so immediately recognizable as a weaselly little tapeworm of a man, y’know?
Reince Priebus is the sort of person who would be played by Brad Dourif in a film.
Steve Bannon played Bob Ewell in a high school production of To Kill a Mockingbird, and liked it so much he decided to stay in the character for the rest of his life.
A self-described Leninist, and an outspoken populist*, Bannon wants to kidney-punch the administrative state, give it a wedgie, and steal its lunch money.
Jared Kushner was born on third base and thinks he invented baseball.
Jared’s dad, Charles Kushner, went to jail for tax evasion, illegal campaign donations, and, ahem, “witness tampering,” by which I mean he set his brother-in-law up with a hooker (not, I’m sad to report, of the Pissing Russian variety) and recorded their genital-smushing in order to blackmail him.
Daddy’s Little Girl
Ivanka Trump is what happens when you cross Gwyneth Paltrow with Mussolini’s dumbest, laziest aide-de-camp. Watching her try to sell her father’s fascism as some sort of pro-woman lifestyle brand, marketed in the sickliest imaginable shade of pink, has been one of the most bizarre subplots of this nightmare we can’t seem to pinch ourselves out of.
So, while Melania Trump is perhaps not as shitty as many of the crooks, Nazis, and Nazi crooks who inhabit her dirtbag husband’s world, she manages to impressively shitty in her own right.
When you worked for Akin, things weren’t simple
Cuz he got caught on tape
With legitimate rape
Senior Advisor for Policy
Why is it always the shittiest imaginable white dudes who turn out to be white supremacists?
Stephen Miller, who started balding eleven seconds after his conception, has by all accounts been a sack of monkey shit pretty much every single minute of his life.
Director of Communications
Oh wow, this new Communications Director looks like a real character, huh?
Where to begin? Ok, Anthony Scaramucci first came to –
Wait, what? Really?
White Supremacist Multi-Tool
Kris Kobach is like the protagonist of the white supremacist version of one of those Disney movies where a kid learns to chase his dreams, no matter how big. The kid gets tired of the monotonous grind of burning crosses on just one lawn at a time, and dreams of burning a cross big enough for the whole dang country!
Maybe he has a talking/singing Confederate flag for a sidekick. Named “Bedford.”
Roving Freelance Fascist
As seen in the famed documentary RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK, when the Ark of the Covenant was opened on an uncharted island north of Crete, the burning light that issued thereof reduced the Nazi soldiers present to piles of ash and molten flesh. In time, the rains washed the fascist bio-goo into the island’s sewage system, where it mixed with the shit and piss and used tampons and such, and in time it congealed, took the shape of a man (albeit an unattractive one), slapped on a pair of glasses, and Sebastian Gorka was formed.
Speaker of the House
Paul Ryan was cloned from a single pubic hair plucked from Ayn Rand post-coitus and grown in a still in Charles Koch’s back yard.
Senate Majority Leader
Many years ago, Gamera was following the Grateful Dead on tour, and engaged in a brief-but-life-affirming affair with an Ohio River ‘gator that hung around Ma McConnell’s pig farm, picking off runts for sustenance. Nine months later, young Mitch emerged from a leathery egg, and devoured his fellow hatchlings, beginning his life-long love affair with hurting children.
Susan Collins is How It Happens Here, folks.
She’s supposed to be the rational centrist. The one who stands up to the increasingly-rabid gaggle of turd-spewing hyenas known as the Republican Party when they go too far. That’s whole point of Susan Collins. It’s the brand she’s been selling the people of Maine for years.
Anybody wondering if the GOP is still the party of Lincoln gets their answer whenever they take in James Daniel Jordan’s tension-racked, jacketless frame as he does his “indignant soccer dad demands to see a manager” routine during a committee hearing. Lincoln? That ship has sailed, caught fire, sunk, and been overrun by sea slugs and the ghosts of unusually shitty pirates. Sorry.
Official Sponsors of American Fascism
Chuck and Davey Koch decided that popping out of a rich lady’s vagina gave them the right to reshape the world however they saw fit, hurting whoever they wanted to in the process, and since the fundamental driving impulse of your average Republican politician is to sell out to the highest bidder, they haven’t exactly been proven wrong.
Abort, My Antifa Comrades! Operation: Bags of Soup Has Been Compromised!
I feel like I’m trapped on a deserted island with nothing to eat but clown meat, and the clown meat has started to go bad, y’know? Anybody else feel like that?
So, we’re finally at the place we’ve sort of abstractly feared from the beginning: Government Cheese Goebbels, a cornered rat facing the loss of the office which is the only thing keeping him out of prison, is lashing out with everything he can get his (tiny, inadequate) hands on, and since he’s President of the United States, it turns out he can get his hands on a whole fucking lot of extremely dangerous shit, from his monstrous pulpit, to the innards of the U.S. Postal Service, to the uniformed thugs who, a seeming lifetime ago, gassed peaceful protesters in Lafayette Square.
And y’all don’t need me to tell you this, but living in America during the Turd Reich’s fascist death rattles is getting pretty goddamn awful. I fucking hate it here. Once this shit is all behind us, I intend to leave a lengthy Yelp review, I’ll tell you that right now.
But hell, while we’re all up anyway, let’s poke around in this Jurassic Park-sized turdpile. It’s not the most pleasant way to pass time, but nobody can call it boring.
Just to set the stage a bit, our poor, Covid-battered nation just celebrated its six millionth confirmed infection. I’m told the milestone patient was presented with a gilded ventilator and two free tickets to Shit I Forgot, Nobody Can Go Anywhere. Still, it’s gonna be zero cases soon. Any minute now, I promise. Right now, six million, with no end in sight, but zero soon. Two weeks. Would I lie to you?
So, the Office of the Director of National Intelligence, (Or ODNI, which is what Jawas say, right?) decided that now would be an appropriate time to halt in-person congressional briefings on foreign election interference, certainly an unconventional choice smack dab in the middle of an election the Russians are absolutely interfering in, according to our intelligence agencies.
Why, it’s almost as though DNI John Ratcliffe is the Louis DeJoy of the intel community, a reckless stooge dutifully carrying out his Turd Emperor’s command to corrupt or destroy whatever is necessary to maintain his tiny-fisted grasp on power. I liked it better when public servants served the public, instead of just one extremely shitty dude.
One of things that’s so strange, and so exhausting lately, is that generally speaking, it really is THAT BAD. Like, I had some bizarre, extremely specific fears at the start of this shitshow, and 2020 has blown them out of the water. 2020 openly taunts my 2016 fears. My 2016 fears were Classic Universal Monster movies, and 2020 is an ominously malodorous wastepaper basket filled with ideas cut from the Saw franchise for being too fucked up.
Because, yes, shit has finally turned violent, in a less scattershot manner than it’s felt like up to this point, anyway. Last week, a radical Trumpist committed an act of terror on American soil, killing two, and our ruling party has chosen to view that incident not as a tragedy, but as a most welcome opportunity to reverse their faltering political fortunes. The violence has been embraced, celebrated, and encouraged.
So it came as no surprise when a caravan of Trumpers drove into Portland, Oregon, firing paintballs and gas at people. It certainly came as no surprise when their provocations turned deadly. I mean, it’s fucking horrifying, watching news footage from an American city and likening it to images you remember from civil wars in third world countries, but surprising? Alas, no. Hey, somebody ask Susan Collins real quick if she still thinks the old fuck learned his lesson?
It’s certainly been super fun watching segments of the right offering the Actually the Murders Committed by the Child Soldier Were Good take; normalizing political homicide is obviously the sort of thing that takes place only in extremely healthy societies.
So-called “Christian” charities have been raising funds for the young terrorist, and ok, I admit I’m an atheist, but I have retained some residual morality from the Sunday school lessons of my youth, and I’m sure I’d remember a bit where God went, “Blessed are the heavily armed teens who’ve been radicalized online, for they do murderously uphold institutional white supremacy.” I’m willing to be fact-checked on this one, however.
And if I may be so bold as to segue over to a story about an ever-so-slightly different corner of the conservative donorverse, it turns out the Committee to Re-Elect the Taintfungus has been, for quite some time now, accepting donations from known Nazis. Just to clarify, since I dabble in hyperbole here in this humble poo joke blog, yes, I am talking about literal, actual, card-carrying Nazis. Ok, I don’t know if they have physical cards. Everything’s digital nowadays, you probably just have to give your number at the register. But NAZIS is the point I’m trying to make here.
Anyway, those are two not-at-all related stories about the infrastructure financing Trumpism, from which no conclusions or inferences can be drawn, surely.
But it’s not just Hairplug Himmler’s bigotry and violent rage that’ve infected the entire conservative movement, the fascist tactics have trickled down as well. Look at Congressman Duke-Without-the-Baggage, excuse me, Congressman “Scalise,” who shared a doctored video in an attempt to smear Joe Biden, because nothing says “moral high ground” quite like misleadingly editing the technology-generated voice of a renowned health care activist suffering from ALS.
When it comes to fatal flaws, Fat Q*bert is Every Single Tragic Figure in Greek Drama Plus Shakespeare Passed Out in a Meth Lab, but few of his shortcomings have been as destructive as his pathological need to replace inconvenient truth-tellers with ass-slurping yes men.
He sidelines experts like Dr. Fauci in favor of festering ass pimples like Peter Navarro and the sheep-fucking MyPillow Guy, and that, dear friends, is how the richest, greatest country in human history finds itself brought low by a pandemic we absolutely could, and should have handled.
Now he’s bringing some herd immunity nitwit onto the team? Fucking WHY? It’s not like this shit is a mystery, other countries have figured out things that work. Let’s do those things, not the thing that is understood to kill millions of people. Like, hey, the toilet’s clogged, we should plunge it. “No, we should KILL MILLIONS OF PEOPLE instead.” Wait, what? No. NO. We should definitely at least try plunging it first. Right? RIGHT?
Ah, but then, the latest bit of viral madness to hit the always voracious right-wing misinformation market is the idea that COVID-19 isn’t really that dangerous, cuz the folks dying from it aren’t perfect specimens, fresh off the assembly line, they have underlying medical conditions. Like, sure, we’re looking at a 200,000-corpse mass grave after just a few months, but honestly, every one of them was just about to crumble to dust, so what’s the big deal? This “argument” seems sociopathically unhinged to me, but I’m told things look different when you’re in a death cult.
Anyway, so we’re in this zany place where the incumbent President has decided that inciting violence is good for him politically, and that’s both terrifying and weird, as far too many things are these days.
But we’re actually rather fortunate in our perpetually-underestimated presidential nominee here. For reasons that continue to perplex me, a lot of people seem to believe this is Joe Biden’s first rodeo, and folks, maybe you didn’t notice, but they named the ice cream stand at the rodeo after Joe Biden.
While Twitter-blind pundits spat out their breathless think pieces proclaiming Gameshow Göring had cleverly outflanked his opponent by, let me remind everyone, STOKING TERRORIST VIOLENCE, Joe strolled casually out to the lectern with that “I got this” energy we’re all growing to love and trust, and, just like at the DNC, he gave precisely the speech he needed to give, like he’s been doing for decades, I don’t know why this hasn’t sunk in yet.
“Do I look like a goddamn antifa generalissimo?” asked the incredulous former Veep, with more that a dash of sass. “I’m Joe Frickin’ Biden, America’s scruffy-but-lovable granddad, now come on in, take your shoes off, let’s get you some hard candy and health care.”
“Now, near as I can figure it, Dotard, your whole dumbass reelection strategy is to blame me for all the shit you fucked up. It’s Joe Biden’s fault your shitty loser cult is so violent? Do you need another cognitive test, old man? And before you even ask, I’m not the guy who shit in your diaper, either.”
Having been so thoroughly outmaneuvered, yet again, by the Biden Campaign, Team Shitweasel’s response, bafflingly, has been to screech JOE DIDN’T DENOUNCE ANTIFA I BET HE LOVES ANTIFA SOMEBODY TELL JILL HE’S GONNA ASK FOR A DIVORCE SO HE CAN MARRY ANTIFA!
And holy heck, we are adrift in Shitty Wonderland now, friends; we’re only gonna float further and further away from reality. Reality is where the coronavirus lives, y’see; Strawberry Shartcake doesn’t stand a snowball’s chance of winning reelection in reality, so he’ll be spending more and more time in…in wherever the fuck he was during that batshit interview with Laura Ingraham.
Watching him sit there, belching up the kind of garbage that typically comes out of background characters’ mouths in 50’s movies set in extremely non-politically correct mental institutions, just pure gibbering horseshit about how Portland, Oregon is a burning portal directly to Hell, overrun by satanic hippies who collect teeth from all the cops they butcher, you just wanted to grab him and force him to identify a drawing of a horsey, right then and there, in front of the world, because you knew there’s no fucking way he could have.
He goes on to rant and drool about the dark forces controlling Joe Biden, and even Ingraham is trying to get him to shut his fool mouth when he starts prattling on about a plane filled with sinister Librul Super-Rioters, which turns out to be from some squirrel-poop nutty Facebook conspiracy theory, anyway, vote for me, your crazy uncle from Olathe who doesn’t know how to filter information on the internet.
Still, while I’ve supported Biden for months, now that I know he’s just a figurehead for a shadowy cabal made up of ninjas, floating little fat people, and Snuffleupagus, I’m having second thoughts.
Getting back to the Manchurian Manchild…look, obviously you’re in complete control of the narrative when you’re denying, unprompted, that you suffered a series of mini-strokes. Still, every time he opens his mouth these days, he draws attention to the mysterious extinction-level event that’s clearly targeting his brain cells. Honestly, how many rambling monologues about wily Antifas wielding bags of soup do we need to hear before folks finally invoke the 25th Amendment?
Like, he’s tickled by this little dumbfuck metaphor he’s hit upon; he keeps comparing cops who shoot unarmed black people to golfers that choke on a putt. I swear to you, this is real, he’s really said this shit, out loud, in front of cameras, more than once. He also keeps on threatening the suburbs with the fearful specter of…Cory Booker, GOSH I WONDER WHAT THAT’S ALL ABOUT?*
And now we learn the Turdmaggot Administration won’t participate in the international effort to develop and distribute a coronavirus vaccine, aka the Single Most Important Thing in the Entire Fucking World, because he still thinks he has a shot at passing the buck for his catastrophically botched pandemic response to China and WHO. So, for the sake of a flimsy bit of bullshit transparent to all but the most devoted cultists, he cut the American people off from one of the best shots at a vaccine.
That’s how little he values our lives, folks. Every MAGA hat reads like “Cattle For Slaughter” to me. Fucking rubes.
Friends, I know I left some shit out tonight, but this is beyond all endurance. I need to spend the rest of the evening rocking back and forth on my kitchen floor, muttering “just soup for my family, kind sir, soup for my family” until I pass out. I don’t know why I need that, but I do. Stay safe out there, chums. Oh. The Action Guide. Don’t forget the Action Guide!
*It’s racism. I wasn’t really wondering. I apologize for my dishonesty.