Absolute Batguano Insanity

The madness has gone into overdrive ever since the Dried-out Play-Doh Manatee decided he didn’t need no stinkin’ oversight and fired James Comey, and we’re all just careening around the Wasteland in search of fuel and crullers these days.

Let’s start with the dastardly act of deception perpetrated by the Russians in the very Oval Office itself! It seems a photographer from a Russian state-owned media agency took a photo of Drumpf with Russian Foreign Minister Sergei Lavrov, and published it without American consent! “They tricked us,” a White House official said, “They lie!”

Well, what sort of le Carré-worthy plot landed a Russian propaganda photojournalist, unscreened, carrying God only knows what other recording equipment, in the innermost sanctum of the executive branch?

Well y’see…Lavrov said “Do not worry about it, comrade, he is with me.”

And every single person in the White House, up to and including the President, went “Sounds good, bro, come on in! You want a coke? We gots a button for it!”

Is this really all it takes to “trick” the guy with nuclear codes? Does Steve Bannon play “got your nose” with the President and make him sign executive orders before he’ll give it back? Will he send the marines into Nigeria to rescue that prince that keeps e-mailing him?

(By the way, everybody’s favorite Russian ambassador Sergey Kislyak was in the meeting, too. We only know that because of the Russian photos, cuz the official White House readout doesn’t mention it. Maybe he’s like, invisible to republicans, or something?)

Anyhow, the Marmalade Shartcannon rampaged through a number of media interviews with the clear intent of getting himself involuntarily committed. He told the Economist that he invented the phrase “priming the pump,” which was hilarious enough until we started digging around and learned he’s filed trademark applications for a number of things, including “red baseball caps,” “opposable thumbs” and “toast.”

In an interview with Time, he ranted at length about a number of personalities on CNN and MSNBC, which then insisted he does not watch. He even called Stephen Colbert “filthy” before lamenting that no one seems to get close enough to him to grab by the pussy anymore. He also dropped a little gem about how he bombed Syria because he wanted the world to stop laughing at him, finally demonstrating why we don’t let seventh graders vote. Or make military combat decisions.

But Holy Christ on Toast, the main even was his interview with NBC’s Lester Holt, which can only be viewed as a housewarming gift to the inevitable impeachment prosecutors. He casually undercut the entire bullshit story that nobody believed anyway, but that his team had been furiously spinning for a day and a half about the Comey firing. “No, it wasn’t Rosenstein, it was all me! ME AND MY NORMAL SIZED MAN HANDS CAN FIRE WHO I WANNA.” He said he didn’t fire Michael Flynn after finding about all his lying and foreign agenting because it didn’t seem like a big deal and anyway BROS BEFORE HOS only instead of “hos” it’s “the security and integrity of the United States and its citizens.”

Oh, and he said he was thinking about the Russia investigation, which he whinged about being a “hoax” dreamed up as an “excuse” by Democrats (which it demonstrably is not), when he was making the decision to fire James Comey.

Which is a confession of obstruction of justice. On television.

In unrelated news, multiple sources are telling me everyone in the White House counsel’s office has banded together in a death pact, and have begun making sacrifices to a television they’ve kept hidden from Reince Priebus so as to watch something other than Fox News; they call it Maddow-Ra, and claim it as their God.

Generally, the collapse of the excuses for the Comey firing, like a Jenga tower built from soggy Cheerios, was the day’s overarching theme.

The initial story was that Rod Rosenstein, some sort of holy man of unimpeachable character who rode into the Justice Department on a horse made of pure light, took one look at the dastardly dealings of Mr. Comey and demanded he be cast out posthaste!

But Rowdy Roddy didn’t like being made the jackass in this game of Pin the Blame on the New Guy, so he threatened to quit and demanded the record be set straight, which didn’t seem to be a problem since Donnie Darko doesn’t like to give the impression that anyone talks him into anything, as he is the Firer of the Fired.

The initial story was, hilariously, that it was Comey’s conduct in the Clinton e-mail investigation that led to his dismissal.

But the Ravenous Swarm of Leakers That Drumpf Will Never Ever Ever Ever Be Able to Contain Ha Ha Ha Suck It Loser surfaced as you knew they would, with stories of Dorito Mussolini yelling at his teevee when Comey was on it talking about his traitorous ass being investigated, of requests for the FBI to investigate totally-not-illegal leaks of stuff that’s just embarrassing because he’s a fuckup who doesn’t know how to do his job, of the President demanding “loyalty” from the dude in charge of investigating him, which is a totally reasonable thing to demand.

The initial story was that Comey had lost the confidence of the rank-and-file in the FBI.

But then everybody in the FBI, publicly and privately, was all, “No, he was an asshole, but he was our asshole and we actually love him so don’t speak for us, you lying turdcakes!” and even I-guess-I’m-in-charge-for-a-few-hours-anyway acting FBI Director Andrew McCabe said “Nope. Lies.”

But Substitute Spicey Sarah Huckabee Sanders said she has talked to countless thousands of FBI agents who were all “Fuck that Comey guy, you guys rule for firing him,” and the White House press corp laughed at her and said “Yeah right, name two FBI agents,” and HuckSands retorted “I will not, just trust me, when have I lied to you except at yesterday’s press conference when every word out of my mouth has since been proven to be so much unfiltered bull?”

The initial story was that the Russia investigation is just an itsy-bitsy teeny-weeny yellow polka-dot investigation, hardly an investigation at all really, but McCabe shat on that one too, and said “Oh boy is it a big investigation, getting bigger every day, it’ll be going off to college before you know it, thanks for asking.”

And of course there’s the tiny detail that Comey seems to have asked for more money for the investigation right before he got canned, which is a ZANY coincidence, but Jeff Sessions sez it didn’t happen and he’s praying to the God of Racist Yokels Who Shouldn’t Have the Jobs They Have that nobody else can back up Comey but bad news Beauregard, it looks that they can.

Fuck, actually all kinds of shit is leaking. Trump said “something was wrong” with Comey, Comey called him “Crazy,” and Steve Bannon keeps putting post-it notes that say “Cuck” on Jared Kushner’s back. WHAT A LONG STRANGE TRIP IT’S BEEN, AMIRIGHT?

The Shart was apparently planning a lil’ visit to FBI headquarters, but he cancelled when he found out he’d be greeted with a Carrie-style shower, only with buckets of poo not blood. Heh.

Meanwhile Orange Julius Caesar’s poll numbers continue to plummet. It turns out the American people hate the President, and they hate his Ass Face, and his Ass Health Care Bill, and his Ass Tax Plan, and his Ass Firing of the Guy Who Was Investigating Him.

Senate Republicans are reportedly worried that the whole “Presidential treason” thing might drag down their agenda, which, for those who forgot, is making the wealthy wealthier at the low low price of shortening the lifespans of the unwashed masses, who’re really too unwashed and mass-y to deserve life anyway, right?

Of course the genuinely horrifying news of the day was President Skidmark creating a commission to “investigate” voter fraud, and placing reincarnated Cossack Kris Kobach in charge of it. Kobach’s life’s work is fabricating bullshit “studies” to keep non-white folks from voting so that Klan-leaning white dudes like Kris Kobach can have more pie, so maybe let’s skip the commission and jump straight to the terrifying wave of voter suppression bills these assclowns will concoct to keep themselves in power.

Oh, and a journalist was arrested. In America. For asking HHS Secretary Tom Price a question. And Price was all “fuck yeah they arrested him, wasn’t that rad?”

No, Tom Price. It was not rad.