Mike Pence is the Patron Saint of Mediocre White Dudes, and the Roman God of Failing Upwards.
A Democrat in his youth, Pence, like many men of limited intelligence, turned to religious conservatism for the convenience of being able to end arguments by claiming God shares his every fear and prejudice, while forgiving his every shortcoming, how convenient.
Secretary of State
Over the course of three decades, Rex Tillerson fucked, bribed, and murdered his way to the top of Exxon Mobil, like some sort of jowlsy Eva Peron.
Secretary of the Treasury
Steve Mnuchin, like his namesake, the Noise You Make When You’re Dry Heaving After Getting Food Poisoning From Eating Truck Stop Gas Station Roller Hot Pockets on a Road Trip, is deeply unpleasant, and may result in the involuntary voiding of foul-smelling bodily fluids.
Secretary of Defense
Chief of Staff
National Security Advisor
Holy shit, there are Generals all over the place these days, aren’t there?
Retired General James Mattis serves as Secretary of Defense. Retired General John Kelly ran Homeland Security for a bit, before becoming the Lead Executive Branch Babysitter, excuse me, Chief of Staff. H.R. McMaster’s the National Security Advisor, and hell, he’s still on active duty.
Jefferson Beauregard Sessions, third generation of his family to carry the name of a Confedarate piece of trash and also a second Confederate piece of trash, is living his dream. As Velveeta Goebbels’ Attorney General, he’s turning back the clock to a time when women and minorities knew their place, and mediocre white dudes like himself got to run everything, even if they weren’t especially bright.
Ryan Zinke is like if the crappiest robot in Westworld escaped and jumped into conservative politics. He’s such a cartoon cowboy, I bet his right boot says “Andy” on the bottom.
Secretary of Commerce
When a witch’s curse transformed his master into a Beast and his fellow servants into household objects, Wilbur Ross became a decorative garden gnome. Unlike the rest of his compatriots, he ventured out into the world to make his fortune in the realm of shady international finance and money laundering, and when True Love’s Kiss lifted the curse, Wilbur was too far away for the enchantment to reverse, and thus he remains trapped in gnome form forever.
Secretary of Health and Human Services
If the Hippocratic Oath is binding in any sort of spiritual sense, Tom Price is royally fucked, y’all. There is some straight Dante shit awaitin’ him in the afterlife.
Secretary of Housing and Urban Development
Dr. Ben Carson is only in politics because he was rude President Obama to his face. At the 2013 National Prayer Breakfast, a traditionally non-political event, Dr. Ben, having been invited as the keynote speaker, decided to use his time to shit on the President and his policies.
Secretary of Education
Betsy DeVos is what happens when bored white ladies have enough money to really fuck shit up. Turns out, if you’re born rich and marry richer, you don’t have to settle for a book club, you can buy yourself a whole cabinet department!
Administrator of the EPA
Scott Pruitt, like a lot of boys his age, grew up watching Captain Planet cartoons. Unlike most boys his age, he decided that the various sludge-smog-and-toxic-waste-slinging villains were the role models for him.
Ok, fine. Pruitt is ten years too old to have grown up on Captain Planet, but fuck you, that’s a good opening paragraph. Make your own fucking website, you don’t like it.
Chief of Staff
Nobody wants to be Reince Priebus when they grow up. He’s just so immediately recognizable as a weaselly little tapeworm of a man, y’know?
Reince Priebus is the sort of person who would be played by Brad Dourif in a film.
Steve Bannon played Bob Ewell in a high school production of To Kill a Mockingbird, and liked it so much he decided to stay in the character for the rest of his life.
A self-described Leninist, and an outspoken populist*, Bannon wants to kidney-punch the administrative state, give it a wedgie, and steal its lunch money.
Jared Kushner was born on third base and thinks he invented baseball.
Jared’s dad, Charles Kushner, went to jail for tax evasion, illegal campaign donations, and, ahem, “witness tampering,” by which I mean he set his brother-in-law up with a hooker (not, I’m sad to report, of the Pissing Russian variety) and recorded their genital-smushing in order to blackmail him.
When you worked for Akin, things weren’t simple
Cuz he got caught on tape
With legitimate rape
Senior Advisor for Policy
Why is it always the shittiest imaginable white dudes who turn out to be white supremacists?
Stephen Miller, who started balding eleven seconds after his conception, has by all accounts been a sack of monkey shit pretty much every single minute of his life.
Director of Communications
Oh wow, this new Communications Director looks like a real character, huh?
Where to begin? Ok, Anthony Scaramucci first came to –
Wait, what? Really?
White Supremacist Multi-Tool
Kris Kobach is like the protagonist of the white supremacist version of one of those Disney movies where a kid learns to chase his dreams, no matter how big. The kid gets tired of the monotonous grind of burning crosses on just one lawn at a time, and dreams of burning a cross big enough for the whole dang country!
Maybe he has a talking/singing Confederate flag for a sidekick. Named “Bedford.”
Roving Freelance Fascist
As seen in the famed documentary RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK, when the Ark of the Covenant was opened on an uncharted island north of Crete, the burning light that issued thereof reduced the Nazi soldiers present to piles of ash and molten flesh. In time, the rains washed the fascist bio-goo into the island’s sewage system, where it mixed with the shit and piss and used tampons and such, and in time it congealed, took the shape of a man (albeit an unattractive one), slapped on a pair of glasses, and Sebastian Gorka was formed.
Speaker of the House
Paul Ryan was cloned from a single pubic hair plucked from Ayn Rand post-coitus and grown in a still in Charles Koch’s back yard.
Senate Majority Leader
Many years ago, Gamera was following the Grateful Dead on tour, and engaged in a brief-but-life-affirming affair with an Ohio River ‘gator that hung around Ma McConnell’s pig farm, picking off runts for sustenance. Nine months later, young Mitch emerged from a leathery egg, and devoured his fellow hatchlings, beginning his life-long love affair with hurting children.
Acosta Rides Again! Plus, I Think Jar-Jar’s New Friend Ordered a Murder.
I know asking y’all to stick around for my deliberately-overlong blog post is particularly challenging today, because everyone is plum tuckered out by all the WINNING. But shit is marginally less cray this week, and tempered by plenty of good news, so curl up with a glass of wine, or beer, or bath salts, and let’s wade through the madness together, shall we?
Yes, the results of the Big Beautiful Blue Wave keep rolling in, with news of fresh pickups breaking every few hours. Democrat Katie Hobbs will be the new Secretary of State in the suddenly-enticing potential 2020 swing state of Arizona! Katie Porter, Andy Kim, and Jared Golden all got in on the House-majority-flipping fun, and I do believe we’ve still got a bit more winning yet to look forward to!
Y’know who hasn’t been enjoying the winning? The Velveeta Vulgarian, that’s who! Seems like every major media organization had its own version of the Wee Don Got All Pissy Because He Lost So Bad and He Knows He’s Good n’ Righteously Fucked When the New Congress Takes Over So He Sulked and He Didn’t Want to Honor the Dumb Ol’ Troops in France Anyway piece. Anyway, isn’t it neat to have a chief executive who neglects his duties, jeopardizing important international relationships, just cuz he doesn’t WANNA do President stuff some days?
And now wants to fire everybody. Or at least, make John Kelly fire everybody, because of course he remains an enormous coward. I guess Kirstjen Nielsen is on the way out, for not being quite evil enough? Who will replace her, a Monster from Stephen Miller’s ID?
General Kelly certainly has his hands full, what with firing half the executive branch, plus overseeing the Manchurian Manchild’s “Policy Time.” Policy Time appeared to translate roughly as “forcing the President, against his will, to learn things about issues n’ stuff,” and I’m sure it’s purely coincidental that it shares initials with “potty training.”
So I guess Melania has the power to get high-ranking national security officials fired now? Now, I’m not gonna shed any tears for the loss of some twit approved by the Genocidal Mustache Symbiotically Attached to John Bolton’s Upper Lip, but I’ll say that if I were an Independence Day-esque alien race looking for a moment of weakness to launch an invasion, I’d be feelin’ mighty optimistic.
I’ve honestly lost track of all the stories about Acting Attorney General Matt Whitaker’s long history of grifting, incompetence, and hackery. Are we sure this is an actual human being, and not a Tom Waits lyric come to life?
So, Betsy DeVos wants to give those accused of sexual assault on college campuses the right to cross-examine their accusers. I mention this because it might just be the single worst idea yet to come out of the Assclown Cabal running our country* and that is no small feat. Did I mention that Betsy, who owns more yachts than I own pairs of shoes, is burning through millions of taxpayer dollars funding the security detail she demanded because some peasants tried to talk to her once?
Retiring Senator/Wind-Up Eeyore Doll Jeff Flake went on a feeble rampage, insisting he would refuse to vote for any of President Crotchrot’s judicial nominees until a bill protecting the Mueller investigation was given a vote on the Senate floor, by gum! Because he is Jeff Flake, Mitch McConnell completely ignored him, no other Republicans joined his crusade, and he wound up sitting alone in the back of the lunchroom, listlessly playing with his mashed potatoes, his trademark hangdog look freezing in place, possibly permanently.
Just to tend to my self-appointed duty as chronicler of this day-to-day shitshow for the benefit of future generations and/or alien anthropologists, I must report that the President of the United States is under the impression that an ID is required for the purchasing of cereal. Hey, we can’t allow our precious loops and charms and crunchberries to fall into the hands of just anyone, y’know! If there’s one thing commercials have taught me, it’s that these products are constantly pursued by all sorts of unscrupulous characters.
In the same interview, Shart Garfunkel posited that it wasn’t widespread hatred of his loathsome and corrupt regime that drove the GOP’s midterm spanking, but rather voter fraud, perpetrated by devious disguised Democrats, who would put on hats and fake mustaches, and I dunno, probably bathrobes and luchador masks, so they could vote more than once. Hey, why admit defeat when it’s easier to just undermine democracy?
So, lemme see if I’ve got this one straight…because Team Treasonweasel is desperate to cover up their Saudi prince pal’s role in the horrific murder of a critical journalist, they’re trying to figure out some way to gift-wrap an exiled Turkish cleric, and send him back home so Erdogan can murder HIM, so that Turkey will stop nagging Saudi Arabia about THEIR murder. So we’re conducting international diplomacy by playing Secret Santa; Homicide Edition now. Cool. Hey, far be it from me to intrude, but maybe start by sending a Hickory Farms basket, and if that doesn’t do the trick, maybe THEN you can escalate to facilitating the slaughter of political foes?
Today we also learned the CIA has determined that yuh huh MBS sure did order the assassination, but Donnie Two-Scoops doesn’t want to believe them, because young Jared has such a difficult time making friends, and the Prince is more than happy to put in a couple of MarioKart races with Jar-Jar if it means manipulating the government of the United States of America for his own ends.
Spare a dirge for the rank-and-file staff over at the National Rifle Association, who will now be forced to hunt and kill their own coffee, because their floundering, despised, bosses can no longer afford to provide it. We’ve replaced these death merchants’ Folgers Crystals with the blood of senselessly slaughtered children…let’s see if they notice the difference!
Up-and-Coming Stand-Up Comic/Distressingly, Actual United States Senator Cindy Hyde-Smith, already famous for her hilarious bit on lynching, debuted some new material this week, riffing about the awesomeness of voter suppression! I can’t wait to see her tight five on concentration camps!
A court ordered the Shart Administration to give Jim Acosta his “hard pass”** back, and to say they’re sorry for taking a big fat dump on the Constitution and also they have to take Jim out for ice cream and a pedicure plus Sarah Huckleberry Slanders has to wear a weasel suit at the next press briefing. Anyhow, yeah, we needed the courts to thwart our goon administration’s ham-fisted attempt to pick and choose who gets to ask them questions, and that, my friends, is decidedly not bangarang.
Looks like Julian Assange has not mom’s classic tuna and bow tie pasta casserole waiting for him should he ever poke his ratty little face outside the Ecuadorian embassy in London, but criminal charges! I imagine Julian will be sticking to his new hygiene rules a little more attentively going forward.
President Dotard says he’s finished his written answers to the Mueller investigation and he wrote them his own self alone without help except maybe with some of the spelling with hard words like “koloojun.”
I dislike our President for many, many, reasons, ranging from his disdain for America’s democratic institutions to his cruelty and racism. The list got a little longer today, because now the bastard has forced me to think about, and even visualize, Antonin Scalia in the act of fucking. I blame third-party voters for this shit. Fuck all y’all.
Potential trubble brewin’ in Shartopia, as Circus Peanut Sydney Greenstreet has begun to wonder, “Is Mike Pants loyal?” Wrong question, fuckhead. You ought to be wondering, “Is the Vice President really just a meth-addled bible salesman’s three pet raccoons in a cheap suit, with a hairshirt underneath?”
I see the ousted GOP House majority has opted to spend their last few days wallowing in conspiracy-theory nostalgia, subpoenaing James Comey and Loretta Lynch for one final partisan slap-fight. When everyone else has gone home, Trey Gowdy will sit in his old chair, screeching BENGHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAZIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII, alone in the dark, likely for days.
Hey, while I’ve got your attention, can I get you to kick in a donation to one last big 2018 race? While Brian Kemp seems to have motherfuckered his way into the Georgia Governor’s mansion (boo), the Secretary of State contest will be going to a run-off on December 4th! Support Democrat John Barrow, because we’ll be gunning for a Senate seat and some electoral college votes in the Peach State in just two short years!
And hey, we need more Dems like Stacey Abrams, who isn’t meekly rolling over for Brian Kemp’s vote-suppressing fuckery. About time! When these shitpiles cheat to win, we shouldn’t just congratulate them on their successful subversion of the will of the people, and then meekly move on. Never stop fighting, folks. Never.
Alright Resisters, that’s all I’ve got tonight. Go forth, and make merry with your weekend. I’m gonna go eat crab rangoon until I explode now.
*…into the ground.