Mike Pence is the Patron Saint of Mediocre White Dudes, and the Roman God of Failing Upwards.
A Democrat in his youth, Pence, like many men of limited intelligence, turned to religious conservatism for the convenience of being able to end arguments by claiming God shares his every fear and prejudice, while forgiving his every shortcoming, how convenient.
Secretary of State
Over the course of three decades, Rex Tillerson fucked, bribed, and murdered his way to the top of Exxon Mobil, like some sort of jowlsy Eva Peron.
Secretary of the Treasury
Steve Mnuchin, like his namesake, the Noise You Make When You’re Dry Heaving After Getting Food Poisoning From Eating Truck Stop Gas Station Roller Hot Pockets on a Road Trip, is deeply unpleasant, and may result in the involuntary voiding of foul-smelling bodily fluids.
Secretary of Defense
Chief of Staff
National Security Advisor
Holy shit, there are Generals all over the place these days, aren’t there?
Retired General James Mattis serves as Secretary of Defense. Retired General John Kelly ran Homeland Security for a bit, before becoming the Lead Executive Branch Babysitter, excuse me, Chief of Staff. H.R. McMaster’s the National Security Advisor, and hell, he’s still on active duty.
Jefferson Beauregard Sessions, third generation of his family to carry the name of a Confedarate piece of trash and also a second Confederate piece of trash, is living his dream. As Velveeta Goebbels’ Attorney General, he’s turning back the clock to a time when women and minorities knew their place, and mediocre white dudes like himself got to run everything, even if they weren’t especially bright.
Ryan Zinke is like if the crappiest robot in Westworld escaped and jumped into conservative politics. He’s such a cartoon cowboy, I bet his right boot says “Andy” on the bottom.
Secretary of Commerce
When a witch’s curse transformed his master into a Beast and his fellow servants into household objects, Wilbur Ross became a decorative garden gnome. Unlike the rest of his compatriots, he ventured out into the world to make his fortune in the realm of shady international finance and money laundering, and when True Love’s Kiss lifted the curse, Wilbur was too far away for the enchantment to reverse, and thus he remains trapped in gnome form forever.
Secretary of Health and Human Services
If the Hippocratic Oath is binding in any sort of spiritual sense, Tom Price is royally fucked, y’all. There is some straight Dante shit awaitin’ him in the afterlife.
Secretary of Housing and Urban Development
Dr. Ben Carson is only in politics because he was rude President Obama to his face. At the 2013 National Prayer Breakfast, a traditionally non-political event, Dr. Ben, having been invited as the keynote speaker, decided to use his time to shit on the President and his policies.
Secretary of Education
Betsy DeVos is what happens when bored white ladies have enough money to really fuck shit up. Turns out, if you’re born rich and marry richer, you don’t have to settle for a book club, you can buy yourself a whole cabinet department!
Administrator of the EPA
Scott Pruitt, like a lot of boys his age, grew up watching Captain Planet cartoons. Unlike most boys his age, he decided that the various sludge-smog-and-toxic-waste-slinging villains were the role models for him.
Ok, fine. Pruitt is ten years too old to have grown up on Captain Planet, but fuck you, that’s a good opening paragraph. Make your own fucking website, you don’t like it.
Chief of Staff
Nobody wants to be Reince Priebus when they grow up. He’s just so immediately recognizable as a weaselly little tapeworm of a man, y’know?
Reince Priebus is the sort of person who would be played by Brad Dourif in a film.
Steve Bannon played Bob Ewell in a high school production of To Kill a Mockingbird, and liked it so much he decided to stay in the character for the rest of his life.
A self-described Leninist, and an outspoken populist*, Bannon wants to kidney-punch the administrative state, give it a wedgie, and steal its lunch money.
Jared Kushner was born on third base and thinks he invented baseball.
Jared’s dad, Charles Kushner, went to jail for tax evasion, illegal campaign donations, and, ahem, “witness tampering,” by which I mean he set his brother-in-law up with a hooker (not, I’m sad to report, of the Pissing Russian variety) and recorded their genital-smushing in order to blackmail him.
When you worked for Akin, things weren’t simple
Cuz he got caught on tape
With legitimate rape
Senior Advisor for Policy
Why is it always the shittiest imaginable white dudes who turn out to be white supremacists?
Stephen Miller, who started balding eleven seconds after his conception, has by all accounts been a sack of monkey shit pretty much every single minute of his life.
Director of Communications
Oh wow, this new Communications Director looks like a real character, huh?
Where to begin? Ok, Anthony Scaramucci first came to –
Wait, what? Really?
White Supremacist Multi-Tool
Kris Kobach is like the protagonist of the white supremacist version of one of those Disney movies where a kid learns to chase his dreams, no matter how big. The kid gets tired of the monotonous grind of burning crosses on just one lawn at a time, and dreams of burning a cross big enough for the whole dang country!
Maybe he has a talking/singing Confederate flag for a sidekick. Named “Bedford.”
Roving Freelance Fascist
As seen in the famed documentary RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK, when the Ark of the Covenant was opened on an uncharted island north of Crete, the burning light that issued thereof reduced the Nazi soldiers present to piles of ash and molten flesh. In time, the rains washed the fascist bio-goo into the island’s sewage system, where it mixed with the shit and piss and used tampons and such, and in time it congealed, took the shape of a man (albeit an unattractive one), slapped on a pair of glasses, and Sebastian Gorka was formed.
Speaker of the House
Paul Ryan was cloned from a single pubic hair plucked from Ayn Rand post-coitus and grown in a still in Charles Koch’s back yard.
Senate Majority Leader
Many years ago, Gamera was following the Grateful Dead on tour, and engaged in a brief-but-life-affirming affair with an Ohio River ‘gator that hung around Ma McConnell’s pig farm, picking off runts for sustenance. Nine months later, young Mitch emerged from a leathery egg, and devoured his fellow hatchlings, beginning his life-long love affair with hurting children.
All the Russia News You Can Shake a Stick At, and then More Russia News. Sale on Shaking Sticks in the Shower Cap Store.
Greetings, Shower Captives! It is I, Shower Cap But From the Future! I have returned from the trenches of Montenegro in 2025 to warn you of the impending Fourth World War That’s Right Montenegro Actually Starts Two Different World Wars in the Next Ten Years!
Anyway, Trump was right about everything! Well, maybe not the steaks. But everything else!
Yes, in the midst of all his other treasonous activities (And yeah, there’s more than one. It’s been a week, folks.) Tangerine Idi Amin has been making noises about backing out of our NATO commitments for fear that the warlike people of Montenegro drag us into a major war by invading Narnia or Wakanda or some shit.
Would it surprise you that even the seemingly-random choice of Montenegro played right into Putin’s grubby little paws? It shouldn’t.
Truth be told, few Presidents have found themselves in direr straights than the Bonespur Buttplug l did this week. True, Harry Truman had to weigh the tremendous loss of life in ordering the atomic strikes on Japan, but Wee Don is wedged between the Rock of “universal condemnation of his traitorous submission to Putin in Helsinki” and the Hard Place of “Shit, y’all, I WISH it was just a pee tape, what Vlad has on me would curl your toes till they snapped.”
So he tried to walk back that lil’ thing where he BETRAYED THE WHOLE COUNTRY. “See, when I said ‘Putin is the very best and also my valentine plus America suxx and why don’t we make Vlad President of us, too?’ what I meant was ‘Putin is the very best and also my valentine plus America suxx and why don’t we make Vlad President of us, too?’…NOT!”
(To season the event with a little extra humiliation, like the Paprika of Shame, President Gas Station Urinal Cake’s notes were photographed, and either he can’t spell “collusion” after all these years, or writing out the whole word is just too much for his tiny, inadequate, hands to take.)
Anyhow, to the submissive invertebrates of the Senate Republican Caucus, from Portman to Rubio, that was good enough. “Holy shit,” they crowed, “Ne’er have we seen such leadership, let’s bulldoze Mount Rushmore and replace it with a giant statue of our Turd Emperor, where he is dating Salma Hayek!” for they are cowards.
Oh, and the Shart House seems to have doctored the official transcript of the notorious press conference (notorious for the treason, if you’re just tuning in), omitting a key line about election interference and also the part where Drumpf offered to trade Manhattan Island to Russia in exchange for a fistful of shiny beads.
Shart Garfunkel would swing back to betrayal soon enough, however. Asked point blank if Russia still had their vodka-soaked thumbs up America’s electoral butthole, he said NO rather definitively, even though the consensus of the American intelligence community is “Yes they do, and it would be rad if we could take action to remove that thumb, because they haven’t clipped their nails in way too long.”
The backtracking spin this time was equally ridiculous, something like, “Oh, I thought you were asking if Ivanka let me touch her butt yet. Kind of a sore spot, so I got extra upset.”
And we had a debate whether or not the United States should extradite a former Ambassador to Russia so that Vlad could interrogate/torture him, because this is the sort of issue that’s on the table when your President is a Russian asset. NEAT.*
Negotiations fell apart at the last minute because Putin was unwilling to also take Jim Acosta, Jennifer Rubin, and Colin Kaepernick in the deal.
Anyway, the Senate passed a resolution condemning Government Cheese Goebbels’ proposal to HAND AMERICAN CITIZENS OVER TO MURDEROUS DICTATORS, which is the sort of thing Congress needs to do now, apparently.
Somehow, in the midst of all this foreign fuckery, the GOP blocked funding for election security in a major spending bill, because treasonous support for foreign interference is their last, best, shot at maintaining their minority grip on power. They also blocked Dems from subpoenaing Drumpfy’s translator, the only other American present during the private, two-hour Helsinki meeting, because shit, maybe we’ll get away with all of this crap and in the new world order we’ll all get nifty uniforms with shiny buttons and really tall boots.
New details and fresh charges in the Maria Butina case, including accusations that she swapped Naughty Time Oh Mother Avert Mike Pence’s Virgin Eyes with unknown right wing figures in exchange for access to their dirtbag organizations. Considering the jowly, wrinkly, old bastards she’s been photographed with over the years, at least I’ll give Maria this: she loves her country a whole lot more than Sharty McFly’s cowardly Congressional enablers love ours.
(Early drafts of Oliver Stone’s epic screenplay of this dumpster fire now include a cringey, twenty-minute-long, sex-well-kinda-almost scene between Butina and Rick Santorum. EW!)
In a coincidence so zany it would make the LOST writers room blush, Shartboy’s IRS instituted new rules that allow organizations like the NRA to hide their donors from the public, even if said donors happen to be nookie-swapping Russian spies or ratfucking oligarchs. The idea seems to be that letting the American people know that a hostile foreign power is funding a murderous lobbying organization/death cult would violate somebody’s free speech rights, because…um…y’see…LOOK OVER THERE, IT’S DAVE COULIER!
Do you want even MORE sketchy Russia news? Cuz I’ve got some! The State Department had a statement ready, condemning Vlad and Co. for that time they shot down a plane full of innocent people, because it was the anniversary of that particular act of mass-murder, and “shooting down planes full of people including a bunch of kids is bad” was once a relatively uncontroversial thing. But the statement was pulled by our not-at-all-colluding administration, since there is no collusion, nor even any colusion.
Jim Jordan, the Ohio CongressJerk who Hates Jackets More Than Pedophiles, used Treason Week as a distraction from his own scandals, no doubt tapdancing with glee now that the media has largely moved on. He’s been named in a major lawsuit over the OSU sexual abuse scandal though, so his troubles are just beginning. GOOD.
Four members of the Homeland Security Advisory Council resigned for the TOTAL CUCK REASON that the terrorist policy of stealing children from their parents is “morally repugnant.” LIBRUL TEARS, RIGHT?
We’re still dealing with that shit, by the way. Migrants in detention increasingly report horrific tales of abuse, but hey, at least this genuinely evil act came at the bargain-basement price of forty million dollars. Who knew curb-stomping the nation’s values would come so cheap?
As dark as things may seem, Resistance is all around us, all the way up to the Motherfucking Queen of England, who apparently demonstrated her contempt for the visiting President by wearing her “Suck My Ass, You Bloated Shitgibbon” brooch during their meeting last week. Brooch Warfare seems to be the royal equivalent of shitposting memes.
Ted Nugent is an NRA board member and gun extremist who loves inciting violence and railing against “gun-free zones” which are the worst, freedom-obliteratingest things in the world unless they are Ted Nugent concerts. Or NRA conventions. Or the RNC. Basically, super-wealthy white dudes get to be safe and it’s open season on the rest of us.
You’ve probably seen the headlines about Devin Nunes pissing away thousands of dollars in donor funds on personal luxuries, but what hasn’t been widely reported is that his date for all those Celtics games was a Russian sow named Maria Berkshira, and she was under surveillance by the Mueller investigation before being sold to a Spam factory under suspicious circumstances.
Precocious Paul Manafort is on something of a losing streak. For starters, he’s in jail, facing eleventy-billion indictments or something. His shitty little sidekick rolled over on him. And he keeps losing motions in court, most recently an attempt to suppress some of the evidence seized by the FBI in their raid of his home, on the grounds that Holy Fuck if a Jury Sees That I’m Righteously Screwed.
I know there’s trouble all around the world these days, but perhaps none of us have it worse that Republican CongressJag Jason Lewis, who is no longer allowed to call women “sluts” even though they are so very very slutty with their sex-wanting and sex-having. Actually, that’s one of the nicer quotes CNN dug up from his time as a right-wing radio shock jock.
Hey, there’s an Arizona State Senate candidate who shot and killed his own mother, and is running for office on the awesomeness of guns specifically on the basis of shooting and killing his own mother, because we live in Wonderland Only If Lewis Carroll Did Meth.
(Oh, the dude’s sister died and the house burned down and he confessed to murdering them and starting the fire, but then he un-confessed, lived his life, and now he wants to make laws. NEAT.)
The inspector general over at Interior opened a probe (heh) into Cowboy Ryan Zinke over a shady real estate deal involving the Chairman of Halliburton. Somewhere, a tear came to Scott Pruitt’s eye, like a mama bird watching her baby spread his wings and fly for the first time.
The Failing New York Times reports that the Dopey Dotard with Diminutive Digits was indeed shown classified intelligence TWO WEEKS BEFORE his comically-under-attended inauguration demonstrating that yuh huh, Vlad Putin did indeed stick his thumb up American democracy’s butt, and wiggle it around a bit because he hates us.
So yeah, he’s had this information all this time, but he’s been parroting the denials of the KGB thug who ordered an attack on the United States, but he’s faced no consequences because patriotism is a partisan issue now.
American Terrorist/Homeland Security Secretary Kirstjen Nielsen wandered out to give a Trump Administration’s Greatest Lies concert, like a Styx show at the third-best casino in town. All the greats from “Putin wasn’t helping Trump” to “child separation wasn’t our policy” to even “there were very fine people among the violent white supremacists at Charlottesville.” She backed up so many of the Shart’s ugliest bullshit talking points, Mike Huckabee adopted her.
We’re just having all kinds of zany debates nowadays. “Should we extradite government officials to Putin’s Russia?” “Are white supremacist terrorists indeed Very Fine People?” “Is broken glass an essential part of your child’s balanced breakfast?”
Hey, you probably need some good news right about now, right? Like, reading the news is like being chased by zombies through a post-apocalyptic wasteland, and wouldn’t it be nice to find, like, the last remaining Whatchamacallit on Earth while you’re cowering in an abandoned gas station?
Well, I HAVE THAT WHATCHAMACALLIT. Ridiculously unqualified/racist as fuck Circuit Court nominee Ryan Bounds will NOT be given a lifetime judicial perch to institutionalize white supremacy from. South Carolina Republican Tim Scott joined a wall of blue resistance that stretched from Sanders to Manchin, and that was that.
And THAT, dear reader, is why it’s so it’s so important to help even those centrist Democrats, the ones who don’t thrill you, in the upcoming midterm elections. Manchin. Donnelly. Heitkamp. Like, I’m thrilled Beto O’Rourke is raising so much money, but your donations would perhaps do more good supporting our most vulnerable red-state incumbents.
DNI Dan Coats gave a distressing little interview where he revealed Strawberry Shartcake is always sneaking around behind his back to say god knows what to th’Russians without America’s intelligence community knowing about it, which is exactly the sort of thing normal, non-seditious Presidents do all the time.
…aaaaaaand now I see that, in defiance of all common sense and love of country, the Sunny D-Bag has decided to INVITE PUTIN TO WASHINGTON. No doubt they will have montage-worthy adventures like Vlad getting his very first hotdog and maybe splashing around barefoot in a fountain or blowing up the Lincoln Memorial.
Is there more? There’s probably more. Sadly, my never-dying chest cold has returned, the cough medicine has kicked in, and I’m suddenly in the middle of the Tim Burton Dumbo re-make, so I’m goin’ up a little early tonight. We’ll chat soon…
*Not actually neat.