Mike Pence is the Patron Saint of Mediocre White Dudes, and the Roman God of Failing Upwards.
A Democrat in his youth, Pence, like many men of limited intelligence, turned to religious conservatism for the convenience of being able to end arguments by claiming God shares his every fear and prejudice, while forgiving his every shortcoming, how convenient.
Secretary of State
Over the course of three decades, Rex Tillerson fucked, bribed, and murdered his way to the top of Exxon Mobil, like some sort of jowlsy Eva Peron.
Secretary of the Treasury
Steve Mnuchin, like his namesake, the Noise You Make When You’re Dry Heaving After Getting Food Poisoning From Eating Truck Stop Gas Station Roller Hot Pockets on a Road Trip, is deeply unpleasant, and may result in the involuntary voiding of foul-smelling bodily fluids.
Secretary of Defense
Chief of Staff
National Security Advisor
Holy shit, there are Generals all over the place these days, aren’t there?
Retired General James Mattis serves as Secretary of Defense. Retired General John Kelly ran Homeland Security for a bit, before becoming the Lead Executive Branch Babysitter, excuse me, Chief of Staff. H.R. McMaster’s the National Security Advisor, and hell, he’s still on active duty.
Jefferson Beauregard Sessions, third generation of his family to carry the name of a Confedarate piece of trash and also a second Confederate piece of trash, is living his dream. As Velveeta Goebbels’ Attorney General, he’s turning back the clock to a time when women and minorities knew their place, and mediocre white dudes like himself got to run everything, even if they weren’t especially bright.
Ryan Zinke is like if the crappiest robot in Westworld escaped and jumped into conservative politics. He’s such a cartoon cowboy, I bet his right boot says “Andy” on the bottom.
Secretary of Commerce
When a witch’s curse transformed his master into a Beast and his fellow servants into household objects, Wilbur Ross became a decorative garden gnome. Unlike the rest of his compatriots, he ventured out into the world to make his fortune in the realm of shady international finance and money laundering, and when True Love’s Kiss lifted the curse, Wilbur was too far away for the enchantment to reverse, and thus he remains trapped in gnome form forever.
Secretary of Health and Human Services
If the Hippocratic Oath is binding in any sort of spiritual sense, Tom Price is royally fucked, y’all. There is some straight Dante shit awaitin’ him in the afterlife.
Secretary of Housing and Urban Development
Dr. Ben Carson is only in politics because he was rude President Obama to his face. At the 2013 National Prayer Breakfast, a traditionally non-political event, Dr. Ben, having been invited as the keynote speaker, decided to use his time to shit on the President and his policies.
Secretary of Education
Betsy DeVos is what happens when bored white ladies have enough money to really fuck shit up. Turns out, if you’re born rich and marry richer, you don’t have to settle for a book club, you can buy yourself a whole cabinet department!
Administrator of the EPA
Scott Pruitt, like a lot of boys his age, grew up watching Captain Planet cartoons. Unlike most boys his age, he decided that the various sludge-smog-and-toxic-waste-slinging villains were the role models for him.
Ok, fine. Pruitt is ten years too old to have grown up on Captain Planet, but fuck you, that’s a good opening paragraph. Make your own fucking website, you don’t like it.
Chief of Staff
Nobody wants to be Reince Priebus when they grow up. He’s just so immediately recognizable as a weaselly little tapeworm of a man, y’know?
Reince Priebus is the sort of person who would be played by Brad Dourif in a film.
Steve Bannon played Bob Ewell in a high school production of To Kill a Mockingbird, and liked it so much he decided to stay in the character for the rest of his life.
A self-described Leninist, and an outspoken populist*, Bannon wants to kidney-punch the administrative state, give it a wedgie, and steal its lunch money.
Jared Kushner was born on third base and thinks he invented baseball.
Jared’s dad, Charles Kushner, went to jail for tax evasion, illegal campaign donations, and, ahem, “witness tampering,” by which I mean he set his brother-in-law up with a hooker (not, I’m sad to report, of the Pissing Russian variety) and recorded their genital-smushing in order to blackmail him.
When you worked for Akin, things weren’t simple
Cuz he got caught on tape
With legitimate rape
Senior Advisor for Policy
Why is it always the shittiest imaginable white dudes who turn out to be white supremacists?
Stephen Miller, who started balding eleven seconds after his conception, has by all accounts been a sack of monkey shit pretty much every single minute of his life.
Director of Communications
Oh wow, this new Communications Director looks like a real character, huh?
Where to begin? Ok, Anthony Scaramucci first came to –
Wait, what? Really?
White Supremacist Multi-Tool
Kris Kobach is like the protagonist of the white supremacist version of one of those Disney movies where a kid learns to chase his dreams, no matter how big. The kid gets tired of the monotonous grind of burning crosses on just one lawn at a time, and dreams of burning a cross big enough for the whole dang country!
Maybe he has a talking/singing Confederate flag for a sidekick. Named “Bedford.”
Roving Freelance Fascist
As seen in the famed documentary RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK, when the Ark of the Covenant was opened on an uncharted island north of Crete, the burning light that issued thereof reduced the Nazi soldiers present to piles of ash and molten flesh. In time, the rains washed the fascist bio-goo into the island’s sewage system, where it mixed with the shit and piss and used tampons and such, and in time it congealed, took the shape of a man (albeit an unattractive one), slapped on a pair of glasses, and Sebastian Gorka was formed.
Speaker of the House
Paul Ryan was cloned from a single pubic hair plucked from Ayn Rand post-coitus and grown in a still in Charles Koch’s back yard.
Senate Majority Leader
Many years ago, Gamera was following the Grateful Dead on tour, and engaged in a brief-but-life-affirming affair with an Ohio River ‘gator that hung around Ma McConnell’s pig farm, picking off runts for sustenance. Nine months later, young Mitch emerged from a leathery egg, and devoured his fellow hatchlings, beginning his life-long love affair with hurting children.
Another day, another descent into madness.
The Ostomy Bag With a Dead Tabby on Top occupying the Oval Office is pitching fits this week, because he’s creeping up on the very special day when every Televison network/Newspaper/Blog/Child Drawing on the Tablecloth With Crayons will publish identical pieces, all titled “We Knew He Was a Twit, But Seriously If We’d Elected a Half-Empty Can of Mello Yello President It Would’ve Achieved More In Its First 100 Days.” He tried the “Aw, nobody cares about the dumb ol’ first 100 days anyway,” tactic, somehow hoping no one would notice the video footage of the dozens of times he promised to Solve All the Problems and Create All the Jobs and also invent a delicious chocolate cake that burns fat and cures cancer and whispers BOMB SYRIA in the voice of a sultry Russian spy, all in, ahem, his first 100 days.
Word is, he’s been tugging on Paul Ryan’s sleeve saying “Hey, I know you’re busy hunting the poor for sport and all, but is there any chance you could pass a comprehensive health care bill this week? Why this week? Oh, no reason.”
Flailing about for accomplishments beyond Turning Our Rivers Into All-the-Coal-Ash-You-Can-Drink Bars and Showed Kid Rock My Cool New Desk, Tangerine Idi Amin decided he was gonna put on his deal-makin’ pants and get his big stupid wall built! Mustering all his fearsome negotiating might, he said “Mr. Schumer, pay for this wall! Or I will withhold crucial ACA payments, blowing up the insurance market and stripping health insurance from millions of Americans!”
Chuck Schumer then pinched himself fifteen times to make absolutely sure this was really happening in the real world. Was this clown really saying “gimme what I want or I start letting working class folks die from treatable ailments?” Did he somehow forget the humiliating defeat just weeks ago of the Trumpcare bill, sunk because the American people got righteously fightin’ mad that the GOP was trying to take health care away from millions? Was Dorito Mussolini really threatening to do THE VERY SAME FUCKING THING HE WAS UNEQUIVOCALLY SHIT ON FOR JUST THE OTHER DAY? Well, if the President was so hell-bent on running face first into the same glass door he had just run into, what could Chuck do except buy some popcorn, set up a lawn chair, and laugh his ass off?
With no chance whatsoever of success, Drumpf backed off his demands today. And so the Shart of the Deal, the dude whose whole pitch was “Hey, I might a racist creep but I’m the best at deals,” has utterly and completely failed in his only two attempts to cut deals with congress. His attempts to cut deals have yielding precisely Nothing He Wanted. He has a zero per cent success rate at dealmaking as President. He has exactly as many deals as there are good Transformers movies.
Word is, Donnie Darko is thirsty to move on to tax reform, floating a massive reduction in a certain type of corporate tax allllllll the way down to 15%. That this would result in the President pocketing a fuckton more money than he currently can is surely a coincidence, and the dishonest media is FAKE NEWSING by pointing this out, but seriously, does this assclown really imagine that using the power of his office to pass a giant cut to his own personal taxes will go well? I’m setting up a chair next to Chuck Schumer.
But Team Shart’s bumbling ineptitude certainly hasn’t been limited to legislation. When the Time/Life set of Trump’s Biggest Fuckups comes out in a few years, I think we’ll all smile nostalgically when we remember such hits as Telling a Purple Heart Recipient “Congratulations,” or Having the Unbridled Temerity to Give a Hollow Statement at a Holocaust Remembrance Event After Embracing White Nationalism And Dragging His Feet Condemning Anti-Semitic Terror Acts And Also Refusing to Condemn David Duke For Weeks, or my personal favorite, I Got the Best Ratings Since 9/11. Determined to cement his image at a comic book supervillain, he’s even ordered a revue of 21 years worth of national park designations with an eye on reversing a few, because he’s FUCKING ANTI NATIONAL PARK TOO? ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME? DOES THE NEXT EXECUTIVE ORDER ABOLISH CUPCAKES AND PUPPIES?
Anyhow, Princess Invanka went on a little German vacation to play diplomat, because actual diplomatic experience is a disqualifying trait these days, and it went as well as you’d expect. She tried to talk about how super rad her dad is for women, and the Germans in attendance went Böööö (Which is German for “Boooo”), we all know he is a püssy-grabbing piece of shit you don’t fool us, and also what the fuck is up with this “My daughter is also my advisor despite the whole No Relevant Experience thing? And she was all “Oh, I’m figuring out as I go along, isn’t that cute,” and the Germans were like “Nö it is not cute, you are all horrible.” Oh and later it turned out that the Duchess of Nepotism’s clothing line is produced by sweatshop workers, because of course it is.
Speaking of Diplomacy, Meandering Sleepwalker/Somehow the Actual Secretary of State Rex Tillerson apparently set up a meeting with African Union Chairperson and just…decided he didn’t wanna, or forget about it cuz he got swept up in a MATLOCK marathon or something, resulting in no meeting and some seriously pissed off African diplomats. I don’t know that it’s fair to get mad at ol’ Rex for this, though…it’s not like it’s his job to oversee our entire nation’s diplomacy or anythOH WAIT.
Chief of Staff Rinse Pubis (I’m pretty sure that’s his name, right?) tried to blame Democratic obstruction for his boss failing to nominate anyone to fill the eleventy-million open executive branch jobs, which is of course insane, but barely merits a mention in the general Shit Circus in the Middle of a Flaming Sharknado we all apparently live in now.
Meanwhile, advisor Sebastian Gorka tantrumed out of a panel at Georgetown because the students called him a Nazi for the TOTAL BULLSHIT reason that he’s a Nazi. Indiana Jones is gonna catch up to you one of these days, Sebastian.
Polling continues to be an perpetual-motion-nut-punching machine for Il Douche. He and his team and his agenda (especially his health care bill and his big stupid wall) keep getting less and less popular, while Obamacare, and even IMMIGRATION (suck it Jeff Sessions) are gaining ever more fans. But of course all polls are fake gnus, except that one that showed a sturdy majority believes his hands are totally normal-sized.
Eager to show what a Big Strong Boy he is, especially having backed off his tough guy talk on labeling China a currency manipulator, the Idiot Manchild decided to pick a trade war fight with Canada over softwood lumber. Now, the U.S. National Association of Home Builders tells us that the new tariff will lead to a $1,300 increase in the construction cost of new single-family homes, and cost the industry more than 4,500 full time jobs. But hey, if that increases the cost of YOUR house, or costs you YOUR job, well you can just join those who make their living in the tourism industry and those in industries that rely on undocumented immigrant labor to keep costs down on the Go Fuck Yourself Bus; the President wants errybody to know what a Badass Hater of Furreners he is, and if you have to pay for it with a hit to your bank account, well FUCK YOU.
And then a federal judge blocked another executive order, the one that tried to strip funding from cities that refused to turn their police forces into an immigrant round-up Gestapo. My sources tell me that the Attorney General, our President’s Loyal Huntin’ Dawg Beauregard, was so upset on hearing this news, he wouldn’t even play with his favorite chew toy (probably a stuffed animal of some non-white cartoon character) and wandered out onto the White House lawn to howl mournfully at the moon.
And OH YEAH I ALMOST FORGOT the steady drip drip drip of the Russia scandal filled up another pail this morning, as it turns out our old chum Mike Flynn broke the law in hiding payments from Russians so bad that even lame dick Jason Chaffetz has a problem with it. At least now we know why Mikey was slinking around asking “I can haz immunity?” a few weeks back. Good luck with that, dirtbag.
There’s more madness, of course, from the Shart promising a Mars landing to one of his state campaign officials being charged with sex trafficking a minor to Alex Jones being sued by a fucking yogurt company, but there’s really only so much of this anyone can take without their brain melting through their ears and running screaming into the night. So forgive me if I missed anything.