Mike Pence is the Patron Saint of Mediocre White Dudes, and the Roman God of Failing Upwards.
A Democrat in his youth, Pence, like many men of limited intelligence, turned to religious conservatism for the convenience of being able to end arguments by claiming God shares his every fear and prejudice, while forgiving his every shortcoming, how convenient.
Secretary of State
Over the course of three decades, Rex Tillerson fucked, bribed, and murdered his way to the top of Exxon Mobil, like some sort of jowlsy Eva Peron.
Secretary of the Treasury
Steve Mnuchin, like his namesake, the Noise You Make When You’re Dry Heaving After Getting Food Poisoning From Eating Truck Stop Gas Station Roller Hot Pockets on a Road Trip, is deeply unpleasant, and may result in the involuntary voiding of foul-smelling bodily fluids.
Secretary of Defense
Chief of Staff
National Security Advisor
Holy shit, there are Generals all over the place these days, aren’t there?
Retired General James Mattis serves as Secretary of Defense. Retired General John Kelly ran Homeland Security for a bit, before becoming the Lead Executive Branch Babysitter, excuse me, Chief of Staff. H.R. McMaster’s the National Security Advisor, and hell, he’s still on active duty.
Jefferson Beauregard Sessions, third generation of his family to carry the name of a Confedarate piece of trash and also a second Confederate piece of trash, is living his dream. As Velveeta Goebbels’ Attorney General, he’s turning back the clock to a time when women and minorities knew their place, and mediocre white dudes like himself got to run everything, even if they weren’t especially bright.
Ryan Zinke is like if the crappiest robot in Westworld escaped and jumped into conservative politics. He’s such a cartoon cowboy, I bet his right boot says “Andy” on the bottom.
Secretary of Commerce
When a witch’s curse transformed his master into a Beast and his fellow servants into household objects, Wilbur Ross became a decorative garden gnome. Unlike the rest of his compatriots, he ventured out into the world to make his fortune in the realm of shady international finance and money laundering, and when True Love’s Kiss lifted the curse, Wilbur was too far away for the enchantment to reverse, and thus he remains trapped in gnome form forever.
Secretary of Health and Human Services
If the Hippocratic Oath is binding in any sort of spiritual sense, Tom Price is royally fucked, y’all. There is some straight Dante shit awaitin’ him in the afterlife.
Secretary of Housing and Urban Development
Dr. Ben Carson is only in politics because he was rude President Obama to his face. At the 2013 National Prayer Breakfast, a traditionally non-political event, Dr. Ben, having been invited as the keynote speaker, decided to use his time to shit on the President and his policies.
Secretary of Education
Betsy DeVos is what happens when bored white ladies have enough money to really fuck shit up. Turns out, if you’re born rich and marry richer, you don’t have to settle for a book club, you can buy yourself a whole cabinet department!
Administrator of the EPA
Scott Pruitt, like a lot of boys his age, grew up watching Captain Planet cartoons. Unlike most boys his age, he decided that the various sludge-smog-and-toxic-waste-slinging villains were the role models for him.
Ok, fine. Pruitt is ten years too old to have grown up on Captain Planet, but fuck you, that’s a good opening paragraph. Make your own fucking website, you don’t like it.
Chief of Staff
Nobody wants to be Reince Priebus when they grow up. He’s just so immediately recognizable as a weaselly little tapeworm of a man, y’know?
Reince Priebus is the sort of person who would be played by Brad Dourif in a film.
Steve Bannon played Bob Ewell in a high school production of To Kill a Mockingbird, and liked it so much he decided to stay in the character for the rest of his life.
A self-described Leninist, and an outspoken populist*, Bannon wants to kidney-punch the administrative state, give it a wedgie, and steal its lunch money.
Jared Kushner was born on third base and thinks he invented baseball.
Jared’s dad, Charles Kushner, went to jail for tax evasion, illegal campaign donations, and, ahem, “witness tampering,” by which I mean he set his brother-in-law up with a hooker (not, I’m sad to report, of the Pissing Russian variety) and recorded their genital-smushing in order to blackmail him.
When you worked for Akin, things weren’t simple
Cuz he got caught on tape
With legitimate rape
Senior Advisor for Policy
Why is it always the shittiest imaginable white dudes who turn out to be white supremacists?
Stephen Miller, who started balding eleven seconds after his conception, has by all accounts been a sack of monkey shit pretty much every single minute of his life.
Director of Communications
Oh wow, this new Communications Director looks like a real character, huh?
Where to begin? Ok, Anthony Scaramucci first came to –
Wait, what? Really?
White Supremacist Multi-Tool
Kris Kobach is like the protagonist of the white supremacist version of one of those Disney movies where a kid learns to chase his dreams, no matter how big. The kid gets tired of the monotonous grind of burning crosses on just one lawn at a time, and dreams of burning a cross big enough for the whole dang country!
Maybe he has a talking/singing Confederate flag for a sidekick. Named “Bedford.”
Roving Freelance Fascist
As seen in the famed documentary RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK, when the Ark of the Covenant was opened on an uncharted island north of Crete, the burning light that issued thereof reduced the Nazi soldiers present to piles of ash and molten flesh. In time, the rains washed the fascist bio-goo into the island’s sewage system, where it mixed with the shit and piss and used tampons and such, and in time it congealed, took the shape of a man (albeit an unattractive one), slapped on a pair of glasses, and Sebastian Gorka was formed.
Speaker of the House
Paul Ryan was cloned from a single pubic hair plucked from Ayn Rand post-coitus and grown in a still in Charles Koch’s back yard.
Senate Majority Leader
Many years ago, Gamera was following the Grateful Dead on tour, and engaged in a brief-but-life-affirming affair with an Ohio River ‘gator that hung around Ma McConnell’s pig farm, picking off runts for sustenance. Nine months later, young Mitch emerged from a leathery egg, and devoured his fellow hatchlings, beginning his life-long love affair with hurting children.
Another Day in the Eye of the Shitstorm, But Between the National School Walkout and Conor Lamb…the Sun’s Peeking Through
Y’know, I figured I’d take a couple days off, detox from the never-ending cray-cray news infusion. I come back and find both Toys R’ Us and Stephen Hawking died? What the fuck? I CAN’T LEAVE YOU ALONE FOR TWO FUCKING DAYS, CAN I?
Only in this Monkeys Forever Throwing Shit at the Wall administration can a dangerously incompetent buffoon who’s been recklessly undermining the nation’s strength and security FINALLY lose his job, and somehow everyone’s left worried things will get worse.
Yes, Low-T Rex is out at Foggy Bottom (Saying “Foggy Bottom” instead of “the State Department sure does make me sound all fancy, doesn’t it? Like a real fuckin’ pundit, not just some jackass in a superhero bathrobe telling poop jokes.) to be replaced by Mike “Just as Unqualified, But a Reliable Yes Man” Pompeo, so yes, there’s still further to fall.
Yet again, because his unnatural orange hue fades to yellow around the belly area, Tangerine Idi Amin was not man enough to fire Tillerson face to face, opting instead to simply announce the personnel change via tweet, and let Rexy figure it out for himself. It’s amazing that a guy can be that cowardly and still imagine he has what it takes to get North Korea to disarm, isn’t it?
Of course Weefinger McGillicuddy lied about even this, and when an official at State called him out on the lie, well, that guy got fired too, probably via a folded up note Donnie had Stephen Miller slip under the door while everybody was on their lunch break.
For extra fun, sources say General John Kelly told Tilly “Hey, be on the lookout for a special tweet just for you, Rex!” and Rex got all excited because he thought he was getting a surprise party at Dave and Buster’s but he got fired instead. I’d be sad for him if he wasn’t such a destructive asshole, but…he was.
With Pompeo moving over to State (Or “Foggy Bottom,” wink wink), you’re probably wondering who’ll be taking over his old gig, heading up the CIA. After all, it’s getting pretty toough for Team Shart to attract top-level talent, like asking people to step on an elevator after the cable snapped and it’s rapidly plummeting to the bottom of the shaft. While on fire. With disco-period Rod Stewart playing on the loudspeakers.
But never fear, we’ve found a candidate who not only oversaw a secret CIA black site where horrific acts of torture took place, but also destroyed the video evidence! Yeah, Gina Haspel will fit right won’t she? Jesus fuck. It’s only a shame Charles Manson died so recently, I’m sure he would’ve been shortlisted for this post.
Speaking of staff turnover, Fat Q*Bert’s personal assistant, John McEntee, got fired, and in fact, booted from the White House without even his coat, because he’s being investigated by the Department of Homeland Security for “serious financial crimes.” For the life of me, I can’t imagine how “serious” your “financial crimes” have to be before DHS gets involved, but Mr. Manatee is surely lucky that Reince Priebus no longer works there, because you know he would’ve snatched up that sweet coat in the chaos.
Of course, the criminal history won’t be an obstacle in John’s new gig, on the Committee to Reelect the Poostain, or whatever they’re calling the campaign. He’ll be joined by Katrina “I am a Lunatic Who Wears Bullet Necklaces” Pierson, who is a lunatic who wears bullet necklaces.
Getting back to our Cabinet o’ Crooks, remember when Ben Carson proclaimed himself to be shocked, SHOCKED that some villainous underling ordered a lavish, $31,000 dining set for his HUD office? Well, you may want to sit down (ideally on a chair costing more than five grand, but y’know…make do with what’s handy), but the fellah who has a painting of himself chillin’ with Jesus LIED TO US.
Yep, turns out that while Dr. Ben is totally lacking in anything resembling qualifications to run HUD, he’s super good at picking out ridiculously expensive furniture to piss taxpayer money away on! Thanks, Doc! We didn’t want to repair any dumb ol’ bridges or anything with that money!
Rumors a-plenty regarding further staff changes…swapping David Shulkin for Rick Perry? Jeff Sessions for Scott Pruitt? H.R. McMaster for Bloodthirsty Mustachioed Psychopath John Bolton? HOW IS IT THAT WE CAN BE REPLACING THE SHITTIEST PEOPLE IN THE WORLD WITH EVEN SHITTIER PEOPLE? DOES HE POST JOB OPENINGS EXCLUSIVELY IN PORT-A-POTTIES?
A federal judge says Paul Manafort faces up to 305 years in prison for his money launderin’ and tax evadin’ and whatnot. Wow. 305 years. I’ve watched enough OZ to know that if he spends any significant chunk of that in the gym, he’s gonna be fucking JACKED when he gets out.
Roger Stone may’ve gotten caught with his hand in the cookie jar, as WaPo reports he was bragging to his buddies as early as spring of 2016 about how Wikileaks had been snooping around in John Podesta’s (digital) drawers. Stone insists this is all the fakest of gnus, and coming from a dude whose mantra is “Admit nothing, deny everything,” we’re all super convinced, we promise.
Aw hell, now Stormy Daniels’ lawyers are hinting at a sex tape? GROSS. In unrelated news, I’ll be launching a series of Shower Cap branded barf bags & buckets, with a launch time coincidentally coinciding with the hypothetical tape’s release. Operators are standing by.
Coming soon to a multiplex near you, a special Midnite Double Feature: JAGOFFS GETTING SUED!!!!!
You’ll marvel!!! As the lying propagandists of Fux Nooz finally face consequences for exploiting one family’s tragedy for ratings and disinformation!!! See Seth Rich’s parents stalk the reprehensible asshats who slandered their murdered child for the sake of a ridiculous, entirely fabricated conspiracy theory!!!
Then, if you DARE, stay for our second feature!!!!
You thrilled as he was vanquished by Yogurt!!! You oooed and aaahed as he lost custody of his children for being for being a hate-mongering lunatic shitsack!!! Now revel!!! As Doughy RageGoon Alex Jones gets dragged through the courts for accusing a random guy of being some sort of sinister deep state operative!!!
IN STUNNING 3-D FUCKHEAD-O-VISION!!!!
I see one of the dicktumors who submitted a pitch to build Shart Garfunkel’s Big Stupid Useless Wall got himself arrested for bombing a mosque. Tell me more about the “economic anxiety” animating this movement. I’m all fucking ears.
An ICEstapo spokesman resigned because he was tired of lying for shitty racist turdweasels. Somewhere, in the Saddest Bar in the World, Sean Spicer heard this news and cried in shame until he was thrown out for making the other customers uncomfortable.
In a fun Holy Crap We’re Lucky to Be Alive With This Twit in Charge double-whammy, our Idiot Manchild President demonstrated that he doesn’t know how to spell “Marine Corps,” (or perhaps more accurately just doesn’t give a fuck) yet also wants a new branch of the military, that would operate in space and that he would call SPACE FORCE because not only does he have the mind of a sixth grade boy, but it’s a dumb, mean, lazy, violent, sixth grade boy.
Further demonstrating his immense respect for the military, we learned Donnie Two-Scoops charged the Department of Defense almost $140,000 for use of his shitty, tacky hotels and clubs over just eight months. Betcha George Washington’s kicking himself for not thinking up that little grift himself.
How about that Conor Lamb, huh? Squeaked out a win in a district so red, “Maddow” is a swear word there. I’m not gonna lie to you folks, I’m positively HORNY about the blue wave coming this November, but I was sure this particular district was just a bridge too far.
I’m happy to wrong.
Especially since the sad, sorry, morning-after GOP spin is so fucking hilarious. Hey, it’s great that this district Government Cheese Goebbels won by 20 points came down to a few hundred votes! The President sure was a “closer,” ranting about Chuck Todd and Maxine Waters! Hell, Lamb practically ran as a Republican, (this after weeks of painting him as umbilically attached to Nancy Pelosi, mind you) with his…Obamacare-supporting, union-embracing ways.
Yup, everything’s going your way, kids. Don’t change a thing.
Theresa May booted 23 Russian “diplomats” right outta Great Britain, saying “Oh and DO let the door hit you in the borscht-hole on the way out, TOODLE PIP, BITCHES!” It was sorta shocking to see a leader actually retaliate against Russia, after a year and change of that collaborating orange fellow.
The Montana GOP, taking a page out of the Putin playbook, seems to have dispatched an employee on a mission to run for the really-awfully-vulnerable Jon Tester’s Senate seat on the Green Party ticket, hoping to siphon a few votes from the Self-Righteous Blockhead crowd.
I tell you what, third party voters…if we lose control of the Senate because of your smug asses, I am tracking you down, Liam-Nelson style, and farting directly in your mouths. Count on it.
Larry Kudlow, who isn’t an economist but plays one on teevee, replaces Gary Cohn as the guy in charge of shouting “Stop, you fool! You’ll mcrash the entire global economy” at President Toddler. That there are still people willing to jump into the reputation-shredding meat grinder of this administration is downright fascinating, and should be the subject of extensive psychological studies.
I tell you what, friends…I know getting constantly pelted by all this ridiculous shit can be exhausting and discouraging, but I’m walking away from today’s news inspired as fuck.
Why? These kids! These Marjory Stoneman Douglas kids and the movement they’ve sparked! Did you see this National School Walkout? Coast to coast, folks. I don’t know how many thousands of young people, making themselves heard! Demanding gun control. Many under threat of suspension. Some even getting arrested.
The slobbering gun nut crowd is NOT taking this well. There’s a tradition to adhere to, see? Every so often a bunch of innocent people get slaughtered, we bicker about it for a day or two, mumble some insincere Thotz-n’-Prairz bullshit, and go on about our lives…those of us who’re still actually y’know…alive.
But we’ve veered off-script this time. And the NRA and their lackeys don’t know how to handle it, so they just keep demonizing these kids, who are of course, survivors of a horrific tragedy, so the attacks keep turning back on the attackers…like turd boomerangs.
So yeah, when one Maine GOP office-seeker derided Emma Gonzalez, one of the Parkland movement’s leaders, a “skinhead lesbian,” he got famous real quick. It’s great that the droolingly-nutty gun crowd is finally getting painted as hateful, unreasonable, maniacs, because, well, they’re hateful, unreasonable, maniacs.
Oh, and I see Shart, Jr. is getting divorced? Golly. I wonder who gets custody the Goshdarnit I Just Can’t Wait to Collude With You, Russian Spy Lady e-mails…
So yeah, it’s been another insane stretch, sure…but I think I’m starting to see the twinkle of that sweet light at the end of tunnel…know what I mean?
PS – And now another Drumpf organization lawyer got swept up in the Stormy Daniels story? KEWL. Isn’t having a President who pays blackmail FUN?