Mike Pence is the Patron Saint of Mediocre White Dudes, and the Roman God of Failing Upwards.
A Democrat in his youth, Pence, like many men of limited intelligence, turned to religious conservatism for the convenience of being able to end arguments by claiming God shares his every fear and prejudice, while forgiving his every shortcoming, how convenient.
Secretary of State
Over the course of three decades, Rex Tillerson fucked, bribed, and murdered his way to the top of Exxon Mobil, like some sort of jowlsy Eva Peron.
Secretary of the Treasury
Steve Mnuchin, like his namesake, the Noise You Make When You’re Dry Heaving After Getting Food Poisoning From Eating Truck Stop Gas Station Roller Hot Pockets on a Road Trip, is deeply unpleasant, and may result in the involuntary voiding of foul-smelling bodily fluids.
Secretary of Defense
Chief of Staff
National Security Advisor
Holy shit, there are Generals all over the place these days, aren’t there?
Retired General James Mattis serves as Secretary of Defense. Retired General John Kelly ran Homeland Security for a bit, before becoming the Lead Executive Branch Babysitter, excuse me, Chief of Staff. H.R. McMaster’s the National Security Advisor, and hell, he’s still on active duty.
Jefferson Beauregard Sessions, third generation of his family to carry the name of a Confedarate piece of trash and also a second Confederate piece of trash, is living his dream. As Velveeta Goebbels’ Attorney General, he’s turning back the clock to a time when women and minorities knew their place, and mediocre white dudes like himself got to run everything, even if they weren’t especially bright.
Ryan Zinke is like if the crappiest robot in Westworld escaped and jumped into conservative politics. He’s such a cartoon cowboy, I bet his right boot says “Andy” on the bottom.
Secretary of Commerce
When a witch’s curse transformed his master into a Beast and his fellow servants into household objects, Wilbur Ross became a decorative garden gnome. Unlike the rest of his compatriots, he ventured out into the world to make his fortune in the realm of shady international finance and money laundering, and when True Love’s Kiss lifted the curse, Wilbur was too far away for the enchantment to reverse, and thus he remains trapped in gnome form forever.
Secretary of Health and Human Services
If the Hippocratic Oath is binding in any sort of spiritual sense, Tom Price is royally fucked, y’all. There is some straight Dante shit awaitin’ him in the afterlife.
Secretary of Housing and Urban Development
Dr. Ben Carson is only in politics because he was rude President Obama to his face. At the 2013 National Prayer Breakfast, a traditionally non-political event, Dr. Ben, having been invited as the keynote speaker, decided to use his time to shit on the President and his policies.
Secretary of Education
Betsy DeVos is what happens when bored white ladies have enough money to really fuck shit up. Turns out, if you’re born rich and marry richer, you don’t have to settle for a book club, you can buy yourself a whole cabinet department!
Administrator of the EPA
Scott Pruitt, like a lot of boys his age, grew up watching Captain Planet cartoons. Unlike most boys his age, he decided that the various sludge-smog-and-toxic-waste-slinging villains were the role models for him.
Ok, fine. Pruitt is ten years too old to have grown up on Captain Planet, but fuck you, that’s a good opening paragraph. Make your own fucking website, you don’t like it.
Chief of Staff
Nobody wants to be Reince Priebus when they grow up. He’s just so immediately recognizable as a weaselly little tapeworm of a man, y’know?
Reince Priebus is the sort of person who would be played by Brad Dourif in a film.
Steve Bannon played Bob Ewell in a high school production of To Kill a Mockingbird, and liked it so much he decided to stay in the character for the rest of his life.
A self-described Leninist, and an outspoken populist*, Bannon wants to kidney-punch the administrative state, give it a wedgie, and steal its lunch money.
Jared Kushner was born on third base and thinks he invented baseball.
Jared’s dad, Charles Kushner, went to jail for tax evasion, illegal campaign donations, and, ahem, “witness tampering,” by which I mean he set his brother-in-law up with a hooker (not, I’m sad to report, of the Pissing Russian variety) and recorded their genital-smushing in order to blackmail him.
When you worked for Akin, things weren’t simple
Cuz he got caught on tape
With legitimate rape
Senior Advisor for Policy
Why is it always the shittiest imaginable white dudes who turn out to be white supremacists?
Stephen Miller, who started balding eleven seconds after his conception, has by all accounts been a sack of monkey shit pretty much every single minute of his life.
Director of Communications
Oh wow, this new Communications Director looks like a real character, huh?
Where to begin? Ok, Anthony Scaramucci first came to –
Wait, what? Really?
White Supremacist Multi-Tool
Kris Kobach is like the protagonist of the white supremacist version of one of those Disney movies where a kid learns to chase his dreams, no matter how big. The kid gets tired of the monotonous grind of burning crosses on just one lawn at a time, and dreams of burning a cross big enough for the whole dang country!
Maybe he has a talking/singing Confederate flag for a sidekick. Named “Bedford.”
Roving Freelance Fascist
As seen in the famed documentary RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK, when the Ark of the Covenant was opened on an uncharted island north of Crete, the burning light that issued thereof reduced the Nazi soldiers present to piles of ash and molten flesh. In time, the rains washed the fascist bio-goo into the island’s sewage system, where it mixed with the shit and piss and used tampons and such, and in time it congealed, took the shape of a man (albeit an unattractive one), slapped on a pair of glasses, and Sebastian Gorka was formed.
Speaker of the House
Paul Ryan was cloned from a single pubic hair plucked from Ayn Rand post-coitus and grown in a still in Charles Koch’s back yard.
Senate Majority Leader
Many years ago, Gamera was following the Grateful Dead on tour, and engaged in a brief-but-life-affirming affair with an Ohio River ‘gator that hung around Ma McConnell’s pig farm, picking off runts for sustenance. Nine months later, young Mitch emerged from a leathery egg, and devoured his fellow hatchlings, beginning his life-long love affair with hurting children.
Another Insane Day, But Let’s Thank Trent Franks for Pushing it to the Realm of the Nauseating
Holy hell, folks. As this blog has documented, shit has been good and thoroughly cray-cray for some time now, and that was when the Man with Phalangeal Stunting could get through a short public speech without slurring his words like a bridesmaid singing Total Eclipse of the Heart at the third karaoke bar of the bachelorette party.
Take a moment to congratulate Littlefinger on getting his wish, and being mentioned in the Time Magazine Person of the Year article, albeit as an accused sexual abuser. With a little creative redaction, I’m sure you can use this to fill those embarrassing blank spaces on your golf club walls, Donnie!
Holy Christ on Toast, Mike Flynn is in TRUBBLE. Elijah Cummings released info from a whistleblower about how Flynn was super eager to move on sanctions against Russia LIKE A BITCH so he and his corrupt buddies could make enough money to feel like Martin Scorsese characters, in the middle of the movie, before the helicopters come.
Friends, between this and the Let’s Kidnap a Turkish Dissenter for Fun and Profit scheme, we know so damn much about Mike Flynn’s crimes that I get positively HORNY thinking about what he must’ve given Bob Mueller to plea down to a mere lying to the FBI charge.
Over in the House, Gowdy Doody declined to investigate any issues arising from Cummings’ whistleblower info, on the grounds that he didn’t see a way to damage any potential Democratic Presidential candidacy.
Paul Ryan doesn’t even have a final tax bill yet, and he’s already drooling all over his suit at the thought of cutting Medicare, Medicaid, and Social Security. Come January, he’ll be in your kitchen, picking the marshmallows out of your kids’ Lucky Charms.
Me, I wouldn’t count my chickens, Paulie. With blue state Republican congressmonsters suddenly realizing their constituents aren’t likely to enjoy their shiny new tax increases, and your caucus shrinking from sexual assault resignations (more on that in a bit), you’re not out of the woods yet. You’re actually in the middle of the woods. Next to that gingerbread house. Go ahead, take a bite.
Plus, it appears the bill Rand Paul and Ron Johnson wrote in the middle of the night after snorting Pop Rocks out of Marco Rubio’s ass crack has a few teeeeeeeeny tiny mistakes.
Well, one big mistake, mostly. A $289 billion mistake, regarding the corporate Alternative Minimum Tax. While they can sort this out in committee, what they can’t do now is give up and just pass the Senate version in the House, which means they have to actually follow through on the hollow promises they made Susan Collins, or risk losing her vote.
Somebody even slipped in a provision making it legal to kidney-punch Tom Cotton if you encounter him in the hallway, but the conference committee is expected to keep that amendment intact.
Point is, this thing ain’t over yet, Resisters! Call you CongressThing!
James O’Keefe won a journalism award from Clarence Thomas’ wife, at a Trump Hotel, because the news is just Far Right Lunatic Mad Libs now. Tomorrow we’ll learn that Seb Gorka married Pepe the Frog in Benghaaaaaazi!!!!!!!
In Kentucky, David Ermold announced his campaign to run against Kim Davis on the radical platform of actually doing the fucking job. Davis famously denied Ermold a marriage certificate on the grounds that her religious beliefs center around God finding it tremendously important for her to be a raging jagoff to strangers.
The Shart Administration was all set to cut a program that helped those GREEDY BLOODSUCKING TICK TAKERS, homeless veterans, but were shamed out of it. It’s always interesting when we actually find a wall in the sea of seemingly-boundless fuckery, isn’t it? I’m still surprised Tom Price was forced out.
Finally responding to two of the largest, most horrific mass shootings in American history, the House GOP voted to make it easier for violent fuckheads to keep their firearms concealed right up to the moment when they start murdering folks. I feel safer already.
In related news, House Republicans also passed a bill to combat raging southern California wildfires by having airplanes drop payloads full of gasoline and kindling over affected areas.
Shart, Jr. testified before the House Intelligence Committee, but he claimed attorney/client privilege on his conversations with daddy, because there were maybe some attorneys around too, which is…not how this shit works. Sources say he also flirted with the idea of hiding behind Donut/Client privilege, because there was a half-eaten fritter on the table, but Ivanka slapped him and called him a dumbass.
Corey Lewandowski went on television in front of the entire fucking world to talk about how he steamed Shart Garfunkel’s pants while he was wearing them, an act so pathetic I can’t bring myself to disparage him any further*.
Anyway, “Lewandowski steam pants” is now in my search history, so y’know, thanks for whatever weird targeted ads I get now, Corey.
Erik Prince’s testimony before the House Intelligence Committee was released, and oh my, Mr. P seems very smug that comeuppance is for lesser (poorer) men than he. We shall see, chum. I’m sure Mueller has your number.
For a supposedly law-and-order party, the GOP is sure is going hard at the FBI these days, aren’t they? From the President down to his slobbering Igors in the right wing media, conservatives are desperate to paint Drumpf’s investigators as hopelessly corrupt Clinton sympathizers who probably didn’t even watch the Apprentice, such is their appalling lack of patriotism.
It’s almost like they know what’s coming and they’re shitting their pants in terror and their last desperate hope is undermining the American people’s faith in their entire law enforcement system and if that damages the foundation of our democracy, well…at least it was all for a guy who charges the Secret Service to piss.
Special shout out to Louie Gohmert, for finally answering one of life’s great mysteries, “What if Joe McCarthy had cartoon ears and the brain of a Dr. Scholl’s insert?”
Paul Ryan’s lunatic deplorable GOP primary challenger lost his shit in a twitter argument, suggesting a columnist should “eat a bullet.” That’s gross and violent and wrong and much less funny than suggesting Ryan should “eat a sandwich made from pubes from a truck stop bathroom,” which is my idea.
John Lewis and Bennie G. Thompson announced they will no longer attend the opening of the Mississippi Civil Rights museum this weekend, since they would be sharing the stage with a Nazi apologist. A Nazi apologist who, regrettably, is also the President of the United States.
Folks, it seems like a low bar to clear, but let me offer the following aspirational advice to you: live your life so that civil rights icons don’t have a reason to refuse to be in the same room as you.
Sarah Huckabee Sanders snidely accused John Lewis of not respecting the sacrifices of civil rights heroes. Yes, THAT John Lewis.
Predictably, protests flared across the Muslim world in response to Pumpkin Spice Pol Pot’s bullheaded decision on Jerusalem. Mike Pence was told that Palestine didn’t want to be alone with a room with him, and the widening consensus is that these clowns have undermined the Middle East peace process, particularly the United States’ role, perhaps permanently. NEAT.**
It’s enough to make you think that maybe putting a blithering dipstick with the intellect and attention span of a spastic puppy in charge of international diplomacy was an unwise choice.
A short while back, asked to reflect on when America was last truly great, Serial Child Molester Roy Moore ruminated a bit about family, quickly concluding that America was at its awesomest when white families were legally allowed to own black ones. And break them up as they saw fit.
So yeah. Add “nostalgic for slavery” to the sky-high pile of reasons not to vote for the pedophile who got booted from the bench for refusing to obey the law. Twice. Are we locked into this whole Alabama-gets-two-Senators thing? It doesn’t seem to be working out.
CNN reported on some leaked e-mails following up on the famous Hot Young Drumpf Campaign Officials Want 2 Collude With U meeting, revealing that Russia was just checking in to see if they weren’t busy later and maybe wanted to come over and watch Stranger Things and drink boxed wine and maybe cuddle.
Early this evening, word leaked out that Trent Franks would be resigning from Congress. You couldn’t help but wonder what sort of grotesque fuckery Franks, who has never been shy about moralizing, had gotten up to that he’d resign before the tiniest rumor surfaced in the media.
Oh, he was harassing his female staffers to serve as surrogate mothers for his children? HOLY FUCK IS THAT CREEPY. When people get hostile about your kid selling magazine subscriptions at the office, how do you get to a place where you’re like, “ACCEPT MY SEED, WOMANSERVANT?”
You can sort of imagine Trent skulking around the office, rubbing his hands together, going, “Who wants to have mah babies mnnh hnnh? And maybe “Some folks call it a sling blade, I call it a Kaiser blade,” while buttering a bagel in the break room.
Anyway, word is CNN and WaPo are about to blow the lid off a couple dozen sitting congresspervs and their harassment/assault accusations so…y’know…hold on to your butts.
Oh, and the Shart House threw a Hanukkah party, but they didn’t invite Jews who happened to be Democrats, because government is a junior high lunchroom these days.
Oh, and there was another school shooting today. And nobody noticed.
Yeah, the Al Franken thing happened. Wide variety of opinions among the Resistance, I kinda hear what everybody’s saying…haven’t made my mind up quite yet. I thank Senator Franklin for his service.
Anyhow. See you in the madhouse, folks.
*Ok, I’ll come clean. I actually just can’t think of any way to disparage him further. How do you beat that? Look at the sad, defeated, desperation in his eyes. Jeeeezus.
**Not actually neat.