Shower Cap

Sign Up for My Updates!



Sigh. Decided to burn a cheat meal working down my Panicked Pre-Quarantine Shopping Spree stash before freezer burn sets in. Anyway, the day I finally decided to start following the instructions on the Hungry Man Dinner re: the brownie was a life-changing day.



Anybody got anything confirming this Pennsylvania House coronavirus story?



This is what the GOP is busying itself with during the pandemic. https://t.co/QKP1XJe7nU

NUMBER TWO

NUMBER TWO

Vice-President

Mike Pence is the Patron Saint of Mediocre White Dudes, and the Roman God of Failing Upwards.

A Democrat in his youth, Pence, like many men of limited intelligence, turned to religious conservatism for the convenience of being able to end arguments by claiming God shares his every fear and prejudice, while forgiving his every shortcoming, how convenient.

UNSEXY REXY

UNSEXY REXY

Secretary of State

Over the course of three decades, Rex Tillerson fucked, bribed, and murdered his way to the top of Exxon Mobil, like some sort of jowlsy Eva Peron.

MNUCHBAG

MNUCHBAG

Secretary of the Treasury

Steve Mnuchin, like his namesake, the Noise You Make When You’re Dry Heaving After Getting Food Poisoning From Eating Truck Stop Gas Station Roller Hot Pockets on a Road Trip, is deeply unpleasant, and may result in the involuntary voiding of foul-smelling bodily fluids.

THE GENERALS

THE GENERALS

Secretary of Defense
Chief of Staff
National Security Advisor

Holy shit, there are Generals all over the place these days, aren’t there?

Retired General James Mattis serves as Secretary of Defense. Retired General John Kelly ran Homeland Security for a bit, before becoming the Lead Executive Branch Babysitter, excuse me, Chief of Staff. H.R. McMaster’s the National Security Advisor, and hell, he’s still on active duty.

OL’ BEAUREGARD The President's Loyal Huntin' Dawg

OL’ BEAUREGARD The President's Loyal Huntin' Dawg

Attorney General

Jefferson Beauregard Sessions, third generation of his family to carry the name of a Confedarate piece of trash and also a second Confederate piece of trash, is living his dream. As Velveeta Goebbels’ Attorney General, he’s turning back the clock to a time when women and minorities knew their place, and mediocre white dudes like himself got to run everything, even if they weren’t especially bright.

ZINKE BOOTZ

ZINKE BOOTZ

Ryan Zinke is like if the crappiest robot in Westworld escaped and jumped into conservative politics. He’s such a cartoon cowboy, I bet his right boot says “Andy” on the bottom.

WIL-BUR, THE GNOME KING

WIL-BUR, THE GNOME KING

Secretary of Commerce

When a witch’s curse transformed his master into a Beast and his fellow servants into household objects, Wilbur Ross became a decorative garden gnome. Unlike the rest of his compatriots, he ventured out into the world to make his fortune in the realm of shady international finance and money laundering, and when True Love’s Kiss lifted the curse, Wilbur was too far away for the enchantment to reverse, and thus he remains trapped in gnome form forever.

PLAGUEMASTER T

PLAGUEMASTER T

Secretary of Health and Human Services

If the Hippocratic Oath is binding in any sort of spiritual sense, Tom Price is royally fucked, y’all. There is some straight Dante shit awaitin’ him in the afterlife.

DOCTOR NAPTIME

DOCTOR NAPTIME

Secretary of Housing and Urban Development

Dr. Ben Carson is only in politics because he was rude President Obama to his face. At the 2013 National Prayer Breakfast, a traditionally non-political event, Dr. Ben, having been invited as the keynote speaker, decided to use his time to shit on the President and his policies.

THE DEVOSTATOR

THE DEVOSTATOR

Secretary of Education

Betsy DeVos is what happens when bored white ladies have enough money to really fuck shit up. Turns out, if you’re born rich and marry richer, you don’t have to settle for a book club, you can buy yourself a whole cabinet department!

SCOTTY 2 HAUGHTY

SCOTTY 2 HAUGHTY

Administrator of the EPA

Scott Pruitt, like a lot of boys his age, grew up watching Captain Planet cartoons. Unlike most boys his age, he decided that the various sludge-smog-and-toxic-waste-slinging villains were the role models for him.

Ok, fine. Pruitt is ten years too old to have grown up on Captain Planet, but fuck you, that’s a good opening paragraph. Make your own fucking website, you don’t like it.

PUBIS

PUBIS

Chief of Staff

Nobody wants to be Reince Priebus when they grow up. He’s just so immediately recognizable as a weaselly little tapeworm of a man, y’know?

Reince Priebus is the sort of person who would be played by Brad Dourif in a film.

DARTH WINO

DARTH WINO

Chief Strategist

Steve Bannon played Bob Ewell in a high school production of To Kill a Mockingbird, and liked it so much he decided to stay in the character for the rest of his life.

A self-described Leninist, and an outspoken populist*, Bannon wants to kidney-punch the administrative state, give it a wedgie, and steal its lunch money.

JAR-JAR

JAR-JAR

Senior Advisor/Son-in-Law

Jared Kushner was born on third base and thinks he invented baseball.

Jared’s dad, Charles Kushner, went to jail for tax evasion, illegal campaign donations, and, ahem, “witness tampering,” by which I mean he set his brother-in-law up with a hooker (not, I’m sad to report, of the Pissing Russian variety) and recorded their genital-smushing in order to blackmail him.

HEY, KELLYANNE!

HEY, KELLYANNE!

Senior Counsel

Hey, Kellyaaaaaaaaaaaanne!
Hey, Kellyaaaaaaaaaaaanne!

When you worked for Akin, things weren’t simple
Cuz he got caught on tape
With legitimate rape

4-HEDD THE SHITTY WHITE GUY FROM BEYOND THE STARS

4-HEDD THE SHITTY WHITE GUY FROM BEYOND THE STARS

Senior Advisor for Policy

Why is it always the shittiest imaginable white dudes who turn out to be white supremacists?

Stephen Miller, who started balding eleven seconds after his conception, has by all accounts been a sack of monkey shit pretty much every single minute of his life.

THE MOOCH

THE MOOCH

Director of Communications

Oh wow, this new Communications Director looks like a real character, huh?

Where to begin? Ok, Anthony Scaramucci first came to –

Wait, what? Really?

KKKRIS KKKOBACH

KKKRIS KKKOBACH

White Supremacist Multi-Tool

Kris Kobach is like the protagonist of the white supremacist version of one of those Disney movies where a kid learns to chase his dreams, no matter how big. The kid gets tired of the monotonous grind of burning crosses on just one lawn at a time, and dreams of burning a cross big enough for the whole dang country!

Maybe he has a talking/singing Confederate flag for a sidekick. Named “Bedford.”

“DOC” GORKA

“DOC” GORKA

Roving Freelance Fascist

As seen in the famed documentary RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK, when the Ark of the Covenant was opened on an uncharted island north of Crete, the burning light that issued thereof reduced the Nazi soldiers present to piles of ash and molten flesh. In time, the rains washed the fascist bio-goo into the island’s sewage system, where it mixed with the shit and piss and used tampons and such, and in time it congealed, took the shape of a man (albeit an unattractive one), slapped on a pair of glasses, and Sebastian Gorka was formed.

ATLAS CRAPPED

ATLAS CRAPPED

Speaker of the House

Paul Ryan was cloned from a single pubic hair plucked from Ayn Rand post-coitus and grown in a still in Charles Koch’s back yard.

YERTLE

YERTLE

Senate Majority Leader

Many years ago, Gamera was following the Grateful Dead on tour, and engaged in a brief-but-life-affirming affair with an Ohio River ‘gator that hung around Ma McConnell’s pig farm, picking off runts for sustenance. Nine months later, young Mitch emerged from a leathery egg, and devoured his fellow hatchlings, beginning his life-long love affair with hurting children.

Another Week in Hell, Another Never-Ending Parade of Buttholes

Friday, April 10th, 2020

 

So, I have an imaginary friend now. I call her Quarantina and we talk all day and I’m jealous because she lives in a swing state so her vote would count if she were real and no I don’t think my mental health has been affected by weeks of isolation but the news sure isn’t helping…as you will soon see:

Congrats to Celebrity Drunk Driver Stephanie Grisham, who managed to run out her entire tenure as Shart House press secretary without ever once holding a press briefing, i.e. doing her fucking job. Y’know, as long as you don’t draw attention to yourself with taxpayer-funded lotion runs and soundproof wank booths, the Trump Administration offers virtually limitless opportunities to the enterprising young grifter.

Grisham’s replacement is the odious Kayleigh McEnany, recently seen snarling the mendacious party line on Fux Biznuss, triumphantly celebrating her Turd Emperor’s successful repulsion of the coronavirus, in contrast to that “awful” Obama. Heh. Kayleigh may’ve been a wee bit premature in her victory lap. It’s nice of these dolts to bring in their newest spokesgoon with her credibility pre-shredded…saves time.

In addition to losing his job as Acting Secretary of the Navy, Thomas Modly’s forthcoming book, “How to Read the Fucking Room” has been cancelled by the publisher, following his decision to not only remove Captain Brett Crozier from command for trying to protect his crew from a coronavirus outbreak, but to taunt said crew in the aftermath, yukking it up about how “stupid” Crozier was for trying to save all their worthless, insignificant, lives. Side note: raise your hand if you were surprised to see one of these malicious idiots actually get fired when they deserved to for a change.

With the Wisconsin GOP teaming up with Roberts Court to repurpose COVID-19 as the ultimate voter suppression tool, the battle over the right to vote safely, by mail, during a pandemic is on. While it is, of course, common fucking sense to utilize a system that’s already been tested and proven to be safe and secure, when your “party” is a white supremacist hate cult representing an ever-shrinking minority and reliant on every dirty trick in the book to cling to power, the will of the people is the last thing you want heard.

Needless to say, no one is more terrified of the voting public than Government Cheese Goebbels himself, feebly belching up old lies about voter fraud (disbanded KKKobach KKKommision, anyone?). I have to admit, the “voting by mail is the worst of all possible things why yes I myself voted by mail” bit was a perfect Shitty Orwell Theatre moment, and truly, there cannot be a single non-moron anywhere on Earth who believes one word that dribbles out of this addled old turdlump’s mouth by now.

The Candycorn Skidmark might not have anything resembling a plan to beat COVID-19 or rescue the faltering economy, but give credit where it’s due: he has scapegoats and backup scapegoats and even backup backup scapegoats. Obviously China tops the list, and Barack Obama remains an old, comfortable favorite, the fried-chicken-and-mashed-potatoes of passing the buck. But don’t sleep on the World Health Organization, which he’s now threatening to defund, yes during a global outbreak, I guess because he’s worried America has too many allies.

And with his novel “what, you don’t think it’s the federal government’s job to actually DO anything during a pandemic, do ya?” approach to leadership, Weehands McNodick has fifty separate state governors to dump blame upon, and considering the body count he’s racking up with his malicious incompetence, he’ll need each and every one.

Jerry Falwell Jr. took responsibility for his reckless decision to reopen Liberty University in the middle of the coronavirus outbreak (which led to a number of students getting sick, because FUCKING OF COURSE IT DID), in an act of Christlike penitence, JUST KIDDING he’s pressing charges against the reporters who brought the world’s attention to his poo-brained carelessness. I’m not sure which part of this Jesus would love more, the idiotic endangering of folks’ lives, or the fascistic attack on the free press?

So, the Treasonweasel Administration actually had to be talked out of withdrawing federal support for coronavirus testing sites. You’re probably screaming at your screen right now, “But Cap, that’s like needing to be told to wear a coat before stepping outside for a smoke…in Antarctica!” Yes. Yes it is. And that is how dumb our current government officials are. Honestly, it’s a fucking miracle they’re not launching missile strikes at hospitals.

Now, the Pusillanimous Pussy-Grabber thought he’d figured this whole “deadly global outbreak” thing out; it wasn’t a tragic calamity that would cost tens of thousands of lives, it was a gift from whatever loathsome fecal gods sent him in the first place, a never-ending fountain of unearned media, an excuse to commandeer the prime time airwaves for his campaign, and heck, conveniently cutting in on his rival’s televised appearances was just gravy.

But the networks got wise to scheme, and also perhaps felt a pang of conscience over spreading the Marmalade Shartcannon’s self-aggrandizing misinformation, which is getting people killed, and thus many have stopped carrying the Daily Propaganda Spew live, opting instead to air lowlights and fact checks afterwards. And so Mike Pants, shitty little fascist weasel that he is, blocked top government health officials from appearing on CNN, in a thuggish attempt to blackmail them into once again broadcasting every lie and grievance. CNN told the Vice President precisely where he could stick his threat, and Mikey Hairshirt whined, “Only mother is allowed to do that,” and relented, good for CNN.

Well, the Committee to Re-Elect the Taintfungus understands they’re facing an uphill battle, asking Americans to vote for the negligent idiot sociopath who got tens of thousands of them killed and took a fat, sloppy, dump right in the middle of the economy, so they’ve decided to dance with what brung ‘em: naked, unapologetic, racism! But roving Hispanic gangs and terrorist Muslim infiltrators are SO 2016; the new boogeyman for a new election season is…the Chinese!

And therefore, their sad, filthy, plan is to define Smilin’ Joe Biden early as…someone who has been nice to Chinese people, the bastard! Just to sprinkle a little extra bigotry on their morning bowl of hate flakes, these rageclowns even included footage of Biden alongside former Washington Governor Gary Locke, who is Chinese-American, but I suppose when your goal is stoking racist hate, with maybe a little stochastic terrorism thrown in for flavor, such details seem insignificant.

Redactor General Billy Barr has faded into the background somewhat in recent weeks, but don’t worry, he’s still committed to hollowing out the federal government from within on behalf of his farthuffing fascist boss, parroting old lies about the roots of the Russia investigation, and celebrating the recent purge of the intelligence community inspector general, with his stupid “adherence to the rule of law” and “love of country” and whatnot. I hope Biden’s AG doesn’t, y’know, despise the United States like this current guy.

Smarter folks than I pointed out that the extreme social distancing measures necessary to contain the coronavirus should, if they worked, look in hindsight like overreaction. And then even smarter folks pointed out that Republicans would loudly bray that we had overreacted, and that the real victims weren’t the human beings buried in mass graves, but the diminished bank accounts of the GOP donor class.

And yuuuuuuup that’s right where we are, folks. 18,000+ deaths on the books, with tens of thousands yet to come, and the Hannitys and Ingrahams and their dirtbag paymasters are already popping every vein in their foreheads in their impatience to “reopen the economy” (while they themselves continue to isolate in their multi-million dollar homes, of course).

Yes, the demonic yapping heads in the right-wing jagosphere have deployed all kindsa nasty little talking points in their quest to shove the serf class back out into the workplace, like so many canaries in a disease-ridden coal mine. “Hell,” oozed Bill O’Reilly, “It’s mostly just the olds dying anyway! THINK OF THE MONEY WE’LL SAVE ON SOCIAL SECURITY PAYMENTS!” Another hawt take is that we’re over-counting coronavirus deaths (in fact, the opposite is likely true), and that it shouldn’t “count” if the victims had any other conditions, because surely that nurse with asthma only died to make Pumpkin Spice Pol Pot look bad. REOPEN THE PUBLIC SNOT WRESTlNG PITS ALREADY!

And Ron DeSantis, forever seeking to out-stupid the Ron DeSantis of the preceding day*, figured if he lied and said that nobody under 25 had died from COVID-19, no one in Florida would fact-check his bullshit, and he could reopen the schools. Not exactly Moriarty is our Ron-Ron.

Look, I know these are worrying times, but we can rest easy knowing we’re in good (if tiny and inadequate) hands. Why, just today, the Sunny D-Bag demonstrated his keen, incisive, scientific mind, explaining to the overwhelmed laymen of the assembled White House press corp that the wily virus had adapted beyond antibiotics’ ability to combat it. That antibiotics are totally useless in fighting viruses is WHY DON’T YOU SHUT UP, NERD?!?! (Shuffles away, muttering something about “fake news”)

But hey, I say we should focus on the good news for a minute, like when Ralph Northam signed five shiny new gun control bills into law, and even had the good sense to resist moonwalking afterwards. I think I may survive this whole damn quarantine just on the NRA’s tears, honestly.

Ok, that should be enough madness to tide you over through the weekend. If not…what the fuck is wrong with you? Stay safe out there Resisters…see y’all soon.

*No easy task, that. 

Shower Cap

Sign Up for My Updates!



Sigh. Decided to burn a cheat meal working down my Panicked Pre-Quarantine Shopping Spree stash before freezer burn sets in. Anyway, the day I finally decided to start following the instructions on the Hungry Man Dinner re: the brownie was a life-changing day.



Anybody got anything confirming this Pennsylvania House coronavirus story?



This is what the GOP is busying itself with during the pandemic. https://t.co/QKP1XJe7nU

NUMBER TWO

NUMBER TWO

Vice-President

Mike Pence is the Patron Saint of Mediocre White Dudes, and the Roman God of Failing Upwards.

A Democrat in his youth, Pence, like many men of limited intelligence, turned to religious conservatism for the convenience of being able to end arguments by claiming God shares his every fear and prejudice, while forgiving his every shortcoming, how convenient.

UNSEXY REXY

UNSEXY REXY

Secretary of State

Over the course of three decades, Rex Tillerson fucked, bribed, and murdered his way to the top of Exxon Mobil, like some sort of jowlsy Eva Peron.

MNUCHBAG

MNUCHBAG

Secretary of the Treasury

Steve Mnuchin, like his namesake, the Noise You Make When You’re Dry Heaving After Getting Food Poisoning From Eating Truck Stop Gas Station Roller Hot Pockets on a Road Trip, is deeply unpleasant, and may result in the involuntary voiding of foul-smelling bodily fluids.

THE GENERALS

THE GENERALS

Secretary of Defense
Chief of Staff
National Security Advisor

Holy shit, there are Generals all over the place these days, aren’t there?

Retired General James Mattis serves as Secretary of Defense. Retired General John Kelly ran Homeland Security for a bit, before becoming the Lead Executive Branch Babysitter, excuse me, Chief of Staff. H.R. McMaster’s the National Security Advisor, and hell, he’s still on active duty.

OL’ BEAUREGARD The President's Loyal Huntin' Dawg

OL’ BEAUREGARD The President's Loyal Huntin' Dawg

Attorney General

Jefferson Beauregard Sessions, third generation of his family to carry the name of a Confedarate piece of trash and also a second Confederate piece of trash, is living his dream. As Velveeta Goebbels’ Attorney General, he’s turning back the clock to a time when women and minorities knew their place, and mediocre white dudes like himself got to run everything, even if they weren’t especially bright.

ZINKE BOOTZ

ZINKE BOOTZ

Ryan Zinke is like if the crappiest robot in Westworld escaped and jumped into conservative politics. He’s such a cartoon cowboy, I bet his right boot says “Andy” on the bottom.

WIL-BUR, THE GNOME KING

WIL-BUR, THE GNOME KING

Secretary of Commerce

When a witch’s curse transformed his master into a Beast and his fellow servants into household objects, Wilbur Ross became a decorative garden gnome. Unlike the rest of his compatriots, he ventured out into the world to make his fortune in the realm of shady international finance and money laundering, and when True Love’s Kiss lifted the curse, Wilbur was too far away for the enchantment to reverse, and thus he remains trapped in gnome form forever.

PLAGUEMASTER T

PLAGUEMASTER T

Secretary of Health and Human Services

If the Hippocratic Oath is binding in any sort of spiritual sense, Tom Price is royally fucked, y’all. There is some straight Dante shit awaitin’ him in the afterlife.

DOCTOR NAPTIME

DOCTOR NAPTIME

Secretary of Housing and Urban Development

Dr. Ben Carson is only in politics because he was rude President Obama to his face. At the 2013 National Prayer Breakfast, a traditionally non-political event, Dr. Ben, having been invited as the keynote speaker, decided to use his time to shit on the President and his policies.

THE DEVOSTATOR

THE DEVOSTATOR

Secretary of Education

Betsy DeVos is what happens when bored white ladies have enough money to really fuck shit up. Turns out, if you’re born rich and marry richer, you don’t have to settle for a book club, you can buy yourself a whole cabinet department!

SCOTTY 2 HAUGHTY

SCOTTY 2 HAUGHTY

Administrator of the EPA

Scott Pruitt, like a lot of boys his age, grew up watching Captain Planet cartoons. Unlike most boys his age, he decided that the various sludge-smog-and-toxic-waste-slinging villains were the role models for him.

Ok, fine. Pruitt is ten years too old to have grown up on Captain Planet, but fuck you, that’s a good opening paragraph. Make your own fucking website, you don’t like it.

PUBIS

PUBIS

Chief of Staff

Nobody wants to be Reince Priebus when they grow up. He’s just so immediately recognizable as a weaselly little tapeworm of a man, y’know?

Reince Priebus is the sort of person who would be played by Brad Dourif in a film.

DARTH WINO

DARTH WINO

Chief Strategist

Steve Bannon played Bob Ewell in a high school production of To Kill a Mockingbird, and liked it so much he decided to stay in the character for the rest of his life.

A self-described Leninist, and an outspoken populist*, Bannon wants to kidney-punch the administrative state, give it a wedgie, and steal its lunch money.

JAR-JAR

JAR-JAR

Senior Advisor/Son-in-Law

Jared Kushner was born on third base and thinks he invented baseball.

Jared’s dad, Charles Kushner, went to jail for tax evasion, illegal campaign donations, and, ahem, “witness tampering,” by which I mean he set his brother-in-law up with a hooker (not, I’m sad to report, of the Pissing Russian variety) and recorded their genital-smushing in order to blackmail him.

HEY, KELLYANNE!

HEY, KELLYANNE!

Senior Counsel

Hey, Kellyaaaaaaaaaaaanne!
Hey, Kellyaaaaaaaaaaaanne!

When you worked for Akin, things weren’t simple
Cuz he got caught on tape
With legitimate rape

4-HEDD THE SHITTY WHITE GUY FROM BEYOND THE STARS

4-HEDD THE SHITTY WHITE GUY FROM BEYOND THE STARS

Senior Advisor for Policy

Why is it always the shittiest imaginable white dudes who turn out to be white supremacists?

Stephen Miller, who started balding eleven seconds after his conception, has by all accounts been a sack of monkey shit pretty much every single minute of his life.

THE MOOCH

THE MOOCH

Director of Communications

Oh wow, this new Communications Director looks like a real character, huh?

Where to begin? Ok, Anthony Scaramucci first came to –

Wait, what? Really?

KKKRIS KKKOBACH

KKKRIS KKKOBACH

White Supremacist Multi-Tool

Kris Kobach is like the protagonist of the white supremacist version of one of those Disney movies where a kid learns to chase his dreams, no matter how big. The kid gets tired of the monotonous grind of burning crosses on just one lawn at a time, and dreams of burning a cross big enough for the whole dang country!

Maybe he has a talking/singing Confederate flag for a sidekick. Named “Bedford.”

“DOC” GORKA

“DOC” GORKA

Roving Freelance Fascist

As seen in the famed documentary RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK, when the Ark of the Covenant was opened on an uncharted island north of Crete, the burning light that issued thereof reduced the Nazi soldiers present to piles of ash and molten flesh. In time, the rains washed the fascist bio-goo into the island’s sewage system, where it mixed with the shit and piss and used tampons and such, and in time it congealed, took the shape of a man (albeit an unattractive one), slapped on a pair of glasses, and Sebastian Gorka was formed.

ATLAS CRAPPED

ATLAS CRAPPED

Speaker of the House

Paul Ryan was cloned from a single pubic hair plucked from Ayn Rand post-coitus and grown in a still in Charles Koch’s back yard.

YERTLE

YERTLE

Senate Majority Leader

Many years ago, Gamera was following the Grateful Dead on tour, and engaged in a brief-but-life-affirming affair with an Ohio River ‘gator that hung around Ma McConnell’s pig farm, picking off runts for sustenance. Nine months later, young Mitch emerged from a leathery egg, and devoured his fellow hatchlings, beginning his life-long love affair with hurting children.

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