Mike Pence is the Patron Saint of Mediocre White Dudes, and the Roman God of Failing Upwards.
A Democrat in his youth, Pence, like many men of limited intelligence, turned to religious conservatism for the convenience of being able to end arguments by claiming God shares his every fear and prejudice, while forgiving his every shortcoming, how convenient.
Secretary of State
Over the course of three decades, Rex Tillerson fucked, bribed, and murdered his way to the top of Exxon Mobil, like some sort of jowlsy Eva Peron.
Secretary of the Treasury
Steve Mnuchin, like his namesake, the Noise You Make When You’re Dry Heaving After Getting Food Poisoning From Eating Truck Stop Gas Station Roller Hot Pockets on a Road Trip, is deeply unpleasant, and may result in the involuntary voiding of foul-smelling bodily fluids.
Secretary of Defense
Chief of Staff
National Security Advisor
Holy shit, there are Generals all over the place these days, aren’t there?
Retired General James Mattis serves as Secretary of Defense. Retired General John Kelly ran Homeland Security for a bit, before becoming the Lead Executive Branch Babysitter, excuse me, Chief of Staff. H.R. McMaster’s the National Security Advisor, and hell, he’s still on active duty.
Jefferson Beauregard Sessions, third generation of his family to carry the name of a Confedarate piece of trash and also a second Confederate piece of trash, is living his dream. As Velveeta Goebbels’ Attorney General, he’s turning back the clock to a time when women and minorities knew their place, and mediocre white dudes like himself got to run everything, even if they weren’t especially bright.
Ryan Zinke is like if the crappiest robot in Westworld escaped and jumped into conservative politics. He’s such a cartoon cowboy, I bet his right boot says “Andy” on the bottom.
Secretary of Commerce
When a witch’s curse transformed his master into a Beast and his fellow servants into household objects, Wilbur Ross became a decorative garden gnome. Unlike the rest of his compatriots, he ventured out into the world to make his fortune in the realm of shady international finance and money laundering, and when True Love’s Kiss lifted the curse, Wilbur was too far away for the enchantment to reverse, and thus he remains trapped in gnome form forever.
Secretary of Health and Human Services
If the Hippocratic Oath is binding in any sort of spiritual sense, Tom Price is royally fucked, y’all. There is some straight Dante shit awaitin’ him in the afterlife.
Secretary of Housing and Urban Development
Dr. Ben Carson is only in politics because he was rude President Obama to his face. At the 2013 National Prayer Breakfast, a traditionally non-political event, Dr. Ben, having been invited as the keynote speaker, decided to use his time to shit on the President and his policies.
Secretary of Education
Betsy DeVos is what happens when bored white ladies have enough money to really fuck shit up. Turns out, if you’re born rich and marry richer, you don’t have to settle for a book club, you can buy yourself a whole cabinet department!
Administrator of the EPA
Scott Pruitt, like a lot of boys his age, grew up watching Captain Planet cartoons. Unlike most boys his age, he decided that the various sludge-smog-and-toxic-waste-slinging villains were the role models for him.
Ok, fine. Pruitt is ten years too old to have grown up on Captain Planet, but fuck you, that’s a good opening paragraph. Make your own fucking website, you don’t like it.
Chief of Staff
Nobody wants to be Reince Priebus when they grow up. He’s just so immediately recognizable as a weaselly little tapeworm of a man, y’know?
Reince Priebus is the sort of person who would be played by Brad Dourif in a film.
Steve Bannon played Bob Ewell in a high school production of To Kill a Mockingbird, and liked it so much he decided to stay in the character for the rest of his life.
A self-described Leninist, and an outspoken populist*, Bannon wants to kidney-punch the administrative state, give it a wedgie, and steal its lunch money.
Jared Kushner was born on third base and thinks he invented baseball.
Jared’s dad, Charles Kushner, went to jail for tax evasion, illegal campaign donations, and, ahem, “witness tampering,” by which I mean he set his brother-in-law up with a hooker (not, I’m sad to report, of the Pissing Russian variety) and recorded their genital-smushing in order to blackmail him.
When you worked for Akin, things weren’t simple
Cuz he got caught on tape
With legitimate rape
Senior Advisor for Policy
Why is it always the shittiest imaginable white dudes who turn out to be white supremacists?
Stephen Miller, who started balding eleven seconds after his conception, has by all accounts been a sack of monkey shit pretty much every single minute of his life.
Director of Communications
Oh wow, this new Communications Director looks like a real character, huh?
Where to begin? Ok, Anthony Scaramucci first came to –
Wait, what? Really?
White Supremacist Multi-Tool
Kris Kobach is like the protagonist of the white supremacist version of one of those Disney movies where a kid learns to chase his dreams, no matter how big. The kid gets tired of the monotonous grind of burning crosses on just one lawn at a time, and dreams of burning a cross big enough for the whole dang country!
Maybe he has a talking/singing Confederate flag for a sidekick. Named “Bedford.”
Roving Freelance Fascist
As seen in the famed documentary RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK, when the Ark of the Covenant was opened on an uncharted island north of Crete, the burning light that issued thereof reduced the Nazi soldiers present to piles of ash and molten flesh. In time, the rains washed the fascist bio-goo into the island’s sewage system, where it mixed with the shit and piss and used tampons and such, and in time it congealed, took the shape of a man (albeit an unattractive one), slapped on a pair of glasses, and Sebastian Gorka was formed.
Speaker of the House
Paul Ryan was cloned from a single pubic hair plucked from Ayn Rand post-coitus and grown in a still in Charles Koch’s back yard.
Senate Majority Leader
Many years ago, Gamera was following the Grateful Dead on tour, and engaged in a brief-but-life-affirming affair with an Ohio River ‘gator that hung around Ma McConnell’s pig farm, picking off runts for sustenance. Nine months later, young Mitch emerged from a leathery egg, and devoured his fellow hatchlings, beginning his life-long love affair with hurting children.
Did anything happen today? Wasn’t paying much attention is shit still cray?
Well, I think I may be windin’ these roundups down, folks…frankly, it seems like the madness is more or less subsiding so, I gu-
…wait, what? Bill Cosby’s gonna go around the country giving seminars on how to avoid sexual harassment charges?
Shit, never mind. Lock me up in an asylum. And none of this modern, politically correct care-n’-treatment shit, give me a fucking 50’s black-and-white nut house, with electroshock therapy and
misguided performances from overzealous method actors.
Hey, I don’t want to spoil Bill’s little TED talk, but the secret is Be a Rich Powerful Dude and I Guess You Can Drug and Rape Women Every Third Day For Your Entire Life, plus you can pose with Cosby for a selfie for an extra 35 bucks.
Didja see that thing where a congressdoorknob from Texas said that Bill Clinton threatened to murder Loretta Lynch JUST LIKE VINCE FOSTER? That’s a dude who decides what our laws are. Sleep tight.
The Shart House seems to have developed a theory that if they just shut down press access, eventually the Squawking Manbaby’s twitter feed will be the only source of news in America, and the plebes will have no choice but to blindly trust them.
So I guess we’re done with on-camera press briefings, because Spicey’s getting love handles from all the shit his boss makes him eat. Jim Acosta’s not havin’ any of that trash, and he’s started training with nunchucks, so watch out! And Sarah Huckabee Sanders apparently got super-pissy and told reporters “You better not tell mom that I’m not allowing you to record anything anymore! Shut up, I’m not afraid of perjury, YOUR FACE IS AFRAID OF PERJURY!!”
The Congressional Black Caucus declined a meeting with the Marmalade Shartcannon, possibly because he insists they all wear nametags that read “My African-American.” Also, they were all, “Fuck you and your stupid-ass wall and your stupid-ass travel ban and your doll-like hands, and by the way the way, WTF is up with Omarasa calling herself ‘The Honorable Omarasa?’ What’s next? Are you gonna get her a Burger King crown and a plastic scepter? How fucking crazy are you people?”
Somebody turned up the fun little detail that while Shart Carney is calling for massive cuts to public housing programs, he’s keeping intact the one government subsidy…that wow-how-weird-is-this? PUTS TAXPAYER MONEY DIRECTLY IN HIS OWN POCKET. There’s just some opening-scenes-of-MAGNOLIA-grade coincidence going on here.
And of course the Russia story continues its steady drip, how many FBI directors does a guy have to fire to fix that faucet, AMIRIGHT?
Time (the magazine, not the unstoppable force that kills us all) tells us that the Russians were successful in stealing some voter info, and even altering some voter data, isn’t that a fun little fact? Oh, and the House Intelligence Committee is investigating whether any of this stolen data wound up in the hands of anyone working on a certain Tumorous Tangelo’s campaign, which would be collusion, wow isn’t it weird that all these fucks are hiring lawyers?
Somehow, improbably, with multiple investigations and news organizations and basically the entire fucking world digging into all their shady ties with Boris and Natasha and their amazing friends, these fuckheads continue doing Uncle Vlad’s bidding at every opportunity.
Seriously. After a massively bipartisan Russian sanctions bill passed the Senate, Shartboy wants to water it down. Rex Tillerson looks to the nation that tried to hack into election systems from coast to coast and actually wants to COLLABORATE WITH THEM ON CYBERSECURITY, WHAT THE EVER LIVING FUCK?
It can’t possibly be JUST a pee tape, folks. It’s got to be like, video from seven angles of Drumpf lying on his back, wanking with a socket wrench while a hooker who looks suspiciously like Ivanka craps directly into his open mouth.
Oh, and I guess the CIA knew that Mike Flynn was a blackmailable foreign agent who also prefers Van Halen with the lead singer from Extreme, but Mike Pompeo kept right on telling him All the Secrets anyway. My sources tell me that classified intel will henceforth be posted weekly in “I have code word clearance, AMA!” Reddit sessions, cuz let’s just cut out the fucking middleman.
The Anthropomorphic Outhouse was feeling all sorts of cocky after the GOP held onto a historically incontestable house seat by a smaller-than-his-wee-wee-hands margin, so he held hisself a campaign rally! He lied a bunch, and he promised to pass a law that’s already a law (“My next big idea: Chocolate…and PEANUT BUTTER!”), he claimed that 1,300 coal mining jobs were actually 33,000 coal mining jobs, and he got his army of Rubes to cheer his selling of the executive branch to Goldman Sachs alums, because they are Rubes, and if he set their houses on fire, they’d thank him for sparing them that unpleasant closet reorganization project they’d been putting off.
But those heavily-publicized Carrier jobs keep getting shipped off to Mexico…
Anyhow, I guess the Elephant in the room (Get it?!?! ELEPHANT?!?!??! Cuz the GOP logo is a….GET IT?!?!?!??!?!??!) is the Senate GOP’s Shorten Our Constituents Lifespans Act!
The idea had been that the grown-ups/cooler heads/withered old white dudes in the Upper Chamber would produce a more rational, moderate, “nice” bill. Well, Mitch McConnell, realizing he was advancing in years and that Mephistopheles would shortly demand the millions of souls he offered up in exchange for his political career, and that merely disappearing an intern here and there wasn’t gonna get the job done, decided it was finally Leroy Jenkins time.
The bill is notable for two things; its staggering cruelty, and the true hallmark of the McConnell genius at work, the Rube-Goldberg-esque implementation designed to insulate the perpetrators of the greatest act of mass murder in American history from the political consequences of their actions. Y’see, the massive, comic-book-villain-level Medicaid cuts don’t start ’till after a number of elections have come and gone, and Mitch is comfortably knocking back Mint Juleps on his plantation. Shit, tying Medicaid payments to inflation guarantees the most tragic long term effects of his bill won’t even show up in the CBO score. Golly, I bet his only regret is that he won’t be around to see all the untold suffering he’s inflicting on generations of American serfs. (And so a single tear rolls down his scaly cheek.)
Oh, and Yertle celebrated by having the capitol police drag some disabled protesters away in handcuffs. There was actually even blood spilled, which McConnell ordered his chief of staff to collect, so that Mitch could sprinkle it on his morning oatmeal.
Senator John Cornyn said he couldn’t IMAGINE a more open and transparent process, which helps you understand why he turned to politics after a failed stab at being an adventure novelist. (Cornyn’s “Indiana Jones and the Time Diet Coke Was On Sale But the Store Was Out Before He Got There” screenplay was never produced.)
Oh, and at least Chuck Schumer got a good troll in when he made Joni Ernst, while presiding over the senate, read the GOP’s hypocrisy into the congressional record. I’m planning on laughing about that a lot when I’m otherwise occupied with dying of a treatable disease.
Jokes aside, the bill is a fucking abomination.
Unless you’re rich! Shit, if you’re ridiculously fucking wealthy, now you can finally have that 60-foot-tall butter sculpture of yourself constructed on your private island! You can hire Kid Rock to write a song about your potbelly pig! You can finance your own private hunger games, where you pit asthmatics against each other and the winner gets to live an extra six months!
But the rest of us are good and righteously fucked! We’ll pay more and get less! We’ll watch people we care about die needlessly! We’ll see what happens when we get old and nursing homes are no longer a thing! Our children will be born in gas station restrooms because childbirth won’t be covered anymore! We’ll spend our lives trapped in shit jobs that give us health insurance because FREE WILL IS FOR CLOSERS, YOU SOYLENT SCUMBAGS!
The fucking bill actually gives insurance company CEOs a tax break on earnings over $500,000, because senate republicans want to rub your nose in the fact that you’re not really a human being to them unless you finance a PAC.
And of course all the so-called moderates are falling in line. MINO (That’s still Maverick in Name Only) John McCain bitched for days about the secretive process, but today he was all “Nah, we can vote on this after a week, I gotta get back in time for Wapner!” Collins and Murkowski are furrowing their brows, wondering if their constituents will let them get away with taking a victory lap for stripping the temporary defunding of Planned Parenthood while not noticing that they’re investing heavily in graveyards and cremation facilities.
And meanwhile, the Smug Prick Caucus (Cruz, Paul, a couple of other assclowns) got out in front of their colleagues to state their opposition to the bill for its insufficient murderousness. Rand Paul demands further Obamacare repeal, and Ted Cruz insists he be allowed to wander through hospital ICUs personally unplugging machines on his off days, and I’m pretty sure Ron Johnson just wants a couple of straight-up slaves.
And they’ll get what they’re asking for. Meanwhile the so-called “moderates” will get an INDEPENDENCE DAY: RESURGENCE mouse pad a Buffalo Wild Wings gift card, and call it a day.
I fully expect Mitch to rip off his suit, revealing a too-tight black t-shirt emblazoned with “RICH LIVES MATTER,” which will be the Republican Party’s official campaign slogan from here on out.
Eager to distract the public, and more importantly the media, from all the poor folks he was about to butcher, Orange Julius Caesar picked today to say “Did I say I had recordings of my conversations with Jim Comey? KIDDING, MADE YOU LOOK!” So I guess that means he lied just to intimidate a witness. Robert Mueller was seen dancing gleefully in his underwear, Risky-Business-style, in what I’m sure is an unrelated development.
Oh fuck, I’m ready to pass out, but FUCKING OF COURSE THERE’S MORE. The Pizzagate shooter was sentenced, I guess Marco Rubio doesn’t know how to hug, and there’s something called a Breatharian?
Fuck it. I don’t care. STRAP ME TO THE GURNEY AND GIVE ME ELECTROSHOCK UNTIL I THINK I’M BATMAN AND THEN LET ME FIGHT CRIME.