Mike Pence is the Patron Saint of Mediocre White Dudes, and the Roman God of Failing Upwards.
A Democrat in his youth, Pence, like many men of limited intelligence, turned to religious conservatism for the convenience of being able to end arguments by claiming God shares his every fear and prejudice, while forgiving his every shortcoming, how convenient.
Secretary of State
Over the course of three decades, Rex Tillerson fucked, bribed, and murdered his way to the top of Exxon Mobil, like some sort of jowlsy Eva Peron.
Secretary of the Treasury
Steve Mnuchin, like his namesake, the Noise You Make When You’re Dry Heaving After Getting Food Poisoning From Eating Truck Stop Gas Station Roller Hot Pockets on a Road Trip, is deeply unpleasant, and may result in the involuntary voiding of foul-smelling bodily fluids.
Secretary of Defense
Chief of Staff
National Security Advisor
Holy shit, there are Generals all over the place these days, aren’t there?
Retired General James Mattis serves as Secretary of Defense. Retired General John Kelly ran Homeland Security for a bit, before becoming the Lead Executive Branch Babysitter, excuse me, Chief of Staff. H.R. McMaster’s the National Security Advisor, and hell, he’s still on active duty.
Jefferson Beauregard Sessions, third generation of his family to carry the name of a Confedarate piece of trash and also a second Confederate piece of trash, is living his dream. As Velveeta Goebbels’ Attorney General, he’s turning back the clock to a time when women and minorities knew their place, and mediocre white dudes like himself got to run everything, even if they weren’t especially bright.
Ryan Zinke is like if the crappiest robot in Westworld escaped and jumped into conservative politics. He’s such a cartoon cowboy, I bet his right boot says “Andy” on the bottom.
Secretary of Commerce
When a witch’s curse transformed his master into a Beast and his fellow servants into household objects, Wilbur Ross became a decorative garden gnome. Unlike the rest of his compatriots, he ventured out into the world to make his fortune in the realm of shady international finance and money laundering, and when True Love’s Kiss lifted the curse, Wilbur was too far away for the enchantment to reverse, and thus he remains trapped in gnome form forever.
Secretary of Health and Human Services
If the Hippocratic Oath is binding in any sort of spiritual sense, Tom Price is royally fucked, y’all. There is some straight Dante shit awaitin’ him in the afterlife.
Secretary of Housing and Urban Development
Dr. Ben Carson is only in politics because he was rude President Obama to his face. At the 2013 National Prayer Breakfast, a traditionally non-political event, Dr. Ben, having been invited as the keynote speaker, decided to use his time to shit on the President and his policies.
Secretary of Education
Betsy DeVos is what happens when bored white ladies have enough money to really fuck shit up. Turns out, if you’re born rich and marry richer, you don’t have to settle for a book club, you can buy yourself a whole cabinet department!
Administrator of the EPA
Scott Pruitt, like a lot of boys his age, grew up watching Captain Planet cartoons. Unlike most boys his age, he decided that the various sludge-smog-and-toxic-waste-slinging villains were the role models for him.
Ok, fine. Pruitt is ten years too old to have grown up on Captain Planet, but fuck you, that’s a good opening paragraph. Make your own fucking website, you don’t like it.
Chief of Staff
Nobody wants to be Reince Priebus when they grow up. He’s just so immediately recognizable as a weaselly little tapeworm of a man, y’know?
Reince Priebus is the sort of person who would be played by Brad Dourif in a film.
Steve Bannon played Bob Ewell in a high school production of To Kill a Mockingbird, and liked it so much he decided to stay in the character for the rest of his life.
A self-described Leninist, and an outspoken populist*, Bannon wants to kidney-punch the administrative state, give it a wedgie, and steal its lunch money.
Jared Kushner was born on third base and thinks he invented baseball.
Jared’s dad, Charles Kushner, went to jail for tax evasion, illegal campaign donations, and, ahem, “witness tampering,” by which I mean he set his brother-in-law up with a hooker (not, I’m sad to report, of the Pissing Russian variety) and recorded their genital-smushing in order to blackmail him.
When you worked for Akin, things weren’t simple
Cuz he got caught on tape
With legitimate rape
Senior Advisor for Policy
Why is it always the shittiest imaginable white dudes who turn out to be white supremacists?
Stephen Miller, who started balding eleven seconds after his conception, has by all accounts been a sack of monkey shit pretty much every single minute of his life.
Director of Communications
Oh wow, this new Communications Director looks like a real character, huh?
Where to begin? Ok, Anthony Scaramucci first came to –
Wait, what? Really?
White Supremacist Multi-Tool
Kris Kobach is like the protagonist of the white supremacist version of one of those Disney movies where a kid learns to chase his dreams, no matter how big. The kid gets tired of the monotonous grind of burning crosses on just one lawn at a time, and dreams of burning a cross big enough for the whole dang country!
Maybe he has a talking/singing Confederate flag for a sidekick. Named “Bedford.”
Roving Freelance Fascist
As seen in the famed documentary RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK, when the Ark of the Covenant was opened on an uncharted island north of Crete, the burning light that issued thereof reduced the Nazi soldiers present to piles of ash and molten flesh. In time, the rains washed the fascist bio-goo into the island’s sewage system, where it mixed with the shit and piss and used tampons and such, and in time it congealed, took the shape of a man (albeit an unattractive one), slapped on a pair of glasses, and Sebastian Gorka was formed.
Speaker of the House
Paul Ryan was cloned from a single pubic hair plucked from Ayn Rand post-coitus and grown in a still in Charles Koch’s back yard.
Senate Majority Leader
Many years ago, Gamera was following the Grateful Dead on tour, and engaged in a brief-but-life-affirming affair with an Ohio River ‘gator that hung around Ma McConnell’s pig farm, picking off runts for sustenance. Nine months later, young Mitch emerged from a leathery egg, and devoured his fellow hatchlings, beginning his life-long love affair with hurting children.
As Batguano Insane as the Strzok Hearing Got, I Did Not Expect the Day’s News to Eventually Land on…Woodchucks?
The madness has a distinctly international flavor this week, as though we’ve all been locked inside the It’s a Small World ride with nothing but hallucinogenic mushrooms to eat. Well, let’s get this shit over with.
Everybody has their own little vices, right? Maybe you smoke. Maybe you take down a pint of Ben & Jerry’s every now and then. Maybe every few nights you slap on a luchador mask and a bathrobe and put away a six pack telling poop jokes about the worst people on the planet. If you’re Tangerine Idi Amin, you abuse the power of the Presidential pardon. So yeah, a couple of arsonists get out of jail free because they’re Wingnut Celebrity Arsonists.
Arpaio. D’Souza. Sovereign Citizen Human Torch Jagoffs. The standard is clear. All I’m saying is, James Woods, if you’re reading, and you’ve ever had a murder you really really wanted to commit, you could probably get away with it for the next six months or so.
What’s this? Anthony Kennedy may have negotiated his retirement and replacement with the authoritarian goons of Team Treason? You know I’m starting to think they left some shit out of my grade school social studies textbook, somewhere between the British are coming, the British are coming and that time white people invented civil rights in the 60’s.
Speaking of Kavanaugh, it sure didn’t take long to dig up confirmation that he really hates him some Roe v. Wade, but I guess we still have to endure weeks of shitty theatre where everyone in the GOP (particularly Susan Collins and Lisa Murkowski) pretends they’re not knowingly selling out women’s rights. We may as well do some silly-ass Elizabethan circle dancing.
The Shart Administration announced further massive cuts to Obamacare outreach programs, because they’d rather American citizens got sick and died than avail themselves of the health care they’re legally entitled to. I know I’ve said this before, but it’s still kinda weird having a government that hates us and wants us to die.
(You’ll remember these fucks pulled this move a year ago, but thanks to everyday folks like you and me using their platforms, however great or small, to spread the word, ACA enrollment didn’t suffer nearly as much as the Paul Ryan Death Caucus was hoping for. We did it once before, we’ll do it again.)
The Single Most Inevitable Event in Human History has occurred, as Sarah Palin revealed she fell for Sacha Baron Cohen’s latest character, and her humiliation will soon be broadcast for the entire world to enjoy. Sarah obviously can’t see the Streisand effect from her house. (I see Sacha got Roy Moore, too. Heh.).
I guess the BBC ran a little program accusing the Pusillanimous Pussygrabber of being something they call a “sex pest,” because he used to go to cocaine-fueled parties and hit on 17-year-old girls. Anyway, this seems like a good time to segue over to Shartboy’s unwavering support among Evangelicals.
Yes, Conman Don’s “spiritual advisor” (which must be like being Paula Deen’s dietician) says no way was Jesus a filthy illegal immigrant and if he were we’d have separated him from his dad even if his dad WAS God and crucified him in a baby jail. Golly, she seems nice.
We’re about six months away from Evangelical “Pastors” arguing that Jesus used alms for the poor to buy paintings of himself and gave sermons praising sexual assault. I think it’s John 4:24 where he goes, “When you’re the Messiah, they let you do it. You can do anything.”
Hey, speaking of utterly dishonest moralizing shitheads who demand to be treated as paragons of virtue despite spending their lives fucking other people over for personal gain, let’s check in on Ohio CongressJag Jim Jordan!
Jim’s accusers keep multiplying, and his old boss keeps changing his story, and so does Jim, for that matter. Oh, and we keep learning more and more extremely disturbing details of the culture of abuse at Ohio State. Don’t worry though, his fellow inmate in the House Freedom Caucus/Asylum/Discount Bath Salts Emporium, Matt Gaetz, with whom he shares a single brain cell, went on teevee and blamed everything on the Deeeeeeeep Staaaaaate, which is just how all Republicans will explain away their misconduct from now on.
It was the Deep State that pressured Scott Desjarlais’ mistress to get an abortion. The Deep State asked Trent Franks’ staffers to fuck him for money. The Deep State used sophisticated mind control techniques to take over Greg Gianforte’s body and force him to physically assault a journalist. The Deep State is why Two and a Half Men ran so long.
I’m thinking of taking up international money laundering. It can’t possibly be that difficult if Paul Manafort can do it because holy fuck that guy is DUMB. Somehow it did not occur to Precocious Paulie that his phone calls FROM JAIL would be recorded, and thus he has been caught bragging about his “VIP” treatment, as well as his clever little plot to circumvent the e-mail ban one encounters when one is LOCKED UP IN FUCKING JAIL for violating the terms of one’s bail.
Anyway, he’s in a shiny new jail now, with a shiny new mug shot, more #Manafucked than ever before. Trial starts soon.
Brian Benczkowski was confirmed to head the criminal division over at DoJ despite never having a tried a case in his life. Blisteringly unqualified, or just another Shart Admin official with shady ties to Mother Russia? Why’s it gotta be “or?”
Following his latest Holy Crap I’m a Racist Dirtbag scandal, Papa John Schnatter announced his surprise retirement, saying he looks forward to spending more time with his white resentment.
Hey, y’know how when you get your tax refund, you maybe splurge a little bit, if you can afford it? Go out to dinner, buy yourself a new superhero bathrobe, or even just pay off that one nasty outstanding debt? Well, Vern Buchanan, Republican Representative for the Florida 16th, wants to show you peasants how it’s done! See, the very day he voted himself a massive tax cut, Vern splurged on a multimillion dollar yacht, because goshdarnit, he’s worth it and also populism because the Trump Regime is all about populism which is why we all have yachts now, oh wait I think it’s just Vern.
And of course the flock of malicious assholes governing our poor county continue to struggle to reunify the families they tore apart when they perpetrated an ACT OF TERROR designed to frighten away future asylum seekers. They’ve hit on the novel defense of proclaiming those children they haven’t been able to help to be “ineligible” for reunification. “Sorry kid, we deported your parents already. Enjoy the foster care system!”
For a little bonus cruelty, there are reports of the government charging parents for DNA tests if they ever want to see their kidnapped children again. I understand they’re furiously knocking down walls in Hell in an effort to find more space for the bumper crop of dirtbags they’ll be harvesting over the next few decades.
Hmmm…maybe while us bleeding heart libtards focus on the inhuman monstrosity of tearing families apart, we really should be thinking of the American economy! After all, with the Big Dumb Trade War crotch-punting so many different industries, do we really want to undermine America’s newest billion-dollar business: LOCKING UP CHILDREN?
(On the subject of the Economics of Evil, you may be wondering where these villainous bastards are finding the money to perpetrate their hate-fueled human rights violations. Well I’m glad you asked. They’re diverting funds from HIV/AIDS programs, of course! That’s a two-birds-one-stone proposition for Shitty White Evangelical Supremacy!)
The Man With Phalangeal Stunting spent the whole flight over to the NATO summit binge-eating Taco Bell just so he could rip wet sloppy farts near Angela Merkel, and things went swiftly downhill from there. He saved up what he was SO SURE was the sickest imaginable burn on Germany for probably weeks, but nobody high-fived him or even chuckled, and in fact General Kelly looked like he wanted to crawl inside his own asshole and die, though we were later assured this was only because our ratfink “allies” failed to provide him with adequate supplies of Cookie Crisp.
Anyhoo, the Velveeta Vulgarian generally made an ass of himself, because he’s mistaken “sneers of revulsion” for “respect.” He made some ridiculous demands about military spending, I wasn’t paying close attention but I think he wants to saw Belgium off the continent and turn it into this super-rad battleship island that the Queen of England has to pay for by hocking the Crown Jewels and also there’s a Drumpf Brand golf course on it.
And then of course on his way out the door, the Candycorn Skidmark proclaimed that all those cuck Europeans had totally capitulated before the might of his totally-normal-sized shaking fists, but Emmanuel Macron said “Actually, nope,” and if things escalate any further, I bet our allies could fool him by paying their “NATO dues” in Monopoly money.
(My sources tell me Uncle Vlad was quite pleased with his Pet President’s performance, and will be rewarding him with a lollipop in Helsinki.)
The Marmalade Shartcannon made history as the first American president to have his face appear on Russian asbestos packaging, unless that one Taft biography I read was less comprehensive than advertised.
Stormy Daniels was arrested at an Ohio strip club Wednesday night, though charges were swiftly dropped. Anyway, I learned some fun stuff about the tremendously-specific laws governing strip club touching in the Buckeye State, and you can, too, with one simple click.
That hearing with Peter Strzok today was…really something. It’s amazing watching the entire House GOP devolve into a tangled wad of treasonous howler monkeys, blindly flinging their own shit in every direction in the vain hope that enough shit will land on the law enforcement community to allow one cheap grifter escape punishment for his crimes, and therefore be allowed to golf at the expense of the America taxpayer and destroy the post-war western world order without further hindrance.
…me, I’m just trying to figure out how they all fit in that one tiny car.
Other highlights from the Dunning-Kruger Caucus: Jim Jordan got mad when Pete wouldn’t verify the paranoid shit he read on the InfoWars bathroom wall. We certainly don’t want forget Paul Gosar, who reads the secret language of the body as only a dentist can. Maybe Matt Gaetz can figure out some way to blame the deep state for how thoroughly he made an ass of himself.
Also, somebody should check on Trey Gowdy, I’m not 100% sure he still exists after the thorough ass-reaming Strzok administered. Is there a doctor in the House?
You almost want to subject these dipshits to some sort of Flowers for Algernon procedure, so they could see, if only for a moment, just how fucking stupid they appear to anyone with a functioning brain.
Even the House Republicans who weren’t shipwrecking themselves on the shores of the asinine Strzok conspiracy theories showed their true, anti-decency, anti-American colors. One House committee voted to allow discrimination against LGBT citizens in adoptions. Another voted to block research into gun violence. Enjoy your day, campers. November is closer than ever.
Meanwhile North Korea totally stood America up for their latest date, without even calling, which especially sucks because Wee Don had already ordered a bottle of wine and an appetizer to split with Kim Jong-un, (these really amazing spring rolls prepared by dissidents in forced labor camps, it’s the tears of desperation that lend them their unique flavor), and now he was stuck with the check.
By “the check,” of course I mean “the Idiot Manchild in Chief taking credit for bringing home the remains of America’s Korean War dead without actually……y’know…bringing home the remains of America’s Korean War dead.”
At a certain point, you’d think this Assclown Brigade would learn to stop demanding praise for things they haven’t actually accomplished yet, but…today is not that day.
At any rate, Lil’ Donnie Two-Scoops is parading around a painfully generic form letter Kim sent him, as proof of his massive negotiating prowess. The lesson is clear; dish up the personal praise with the biggest ladle you can find, and you can get away with fucking anything. Including expanding your nuclear program instead of dismantling it.
Like any shitty houseguest, Sharty McFly decided to leave a fat stinky turd floating in Theresa May’s bowl in the form of an exclusive interview in his ol’ chum Rupert Murdoch’s dopey little “news”paper. Winning friends. Influencing people.
Oh, and I guess a family of woodchucks ate Paul Ryan’s car, so WELCOME TO THE RESISTANCE, ANIMAL KINGDOM AND/OR DISNEY PRINCESSES.
Yeah, the woodchuck story is real. Or if it isn’t, I’ve been writing too long and I’m more fucked up than I thought. Either way, that’s all I got for now…see ya soon, Shower Captives.