Mike Pence is the Patron Saint of Mediocre White Dudes, and the Roman God of Failing Upwards.
A Democrat in his youth, Pence, like many men of limited intelligence, turned to religious conservatism for the convenience of being able to end arguments by claiming God shares his every fear and prejudice, while forgiving his every shortcoming, how convenient.
Secretary of State
Over the course of three decades, Rex Tillerson fucked, bribed, and murdered his way to the top of Exxon Mobil, like some sort of jowlsy Eva Peron.
Secretary of the Treasury
Steve Mnuchin, like his namesake, the Noise You Make When You’re Dry Heaving After Getting Food Poisoning From Eating Truck Stop Gas Station Roller Hot Pockets on a Road Trip, is deeply unpleasant, and may result in the involuntary voiding of foul-smelling bodily fluids.
Secretary of Defense
Chief of Staff
National Security Advisor
Holy shit, there are Generals all over the place these days, aren’t there?
Retired General James Mattis serves as Secretary of Defense. Retired General John Kelly ran Homeland Security for a bit, before becoming the Lead Executive Branch Babysitter, excuse me, Chief of Staff. H.R. McMaster’s the National Security Advisor, and hell, he’s still on active duty.
Jefferson Beauregard Sessions, third generation of his family to carry the name of a Confedarate piece of trash and also a second Confederate piece of trash, is living his dream. As Velveeta Goebbels’ Attorney General, he’s turning back the clock to a time when women and minorities knew their place, and mediocre white dudes like himself got to run everything, even if they weren’t especially bright.
Ryan Zinke is like if the crappiest robot in Westworld escaped and jumped into conservative politics. He’s such a cartoon cowboy, I bet his right boot says “Andy” on the bottom.
Secretary of Commerce
When a witch’s curse transformed his master into a Beast and his fellow servants into household objects, Wilbur Ross became a decorative garden gnome. Unlike the rest of his compatriots, he ventured out into the world to make his fortune in the realm of shady international finance and money laundering, and when True Love’s Kiss lifted the curse, Wilbur was too far away for the enchantment to reverse, and thus he remains trapped in gnome form forever.
Secretary of Health and Human Services
If the Hippocratic Oath is binding in any sort of spiritual sense, Tom Price is royally fucked, y’all. There is some straight Dante shit awaitin’ him in the afterlife.
Secretary of Housing and Urban Development
Dr. Ben Carson is only in politics because he was rude President Obama to his face. At the 2013 National Prayer Breakfast, a traditionally non-political event, Dr. Ben, having been invited as the keynote speaker, decided to use his time to shit on the President and his policies.
Secretary of Education
Betsy DeVos is what happens when bored white ladies have enough money to really fuck shit up. Turns out, if you’re born rich and marry richer, you don’t have to settle for a book club, you can buy yourself a whole cabinet department!
Administrator of the EPA
Scott Pruitt, like a lot of boys his age, grew up watching Captain Planet cartoons. Unlike most boys his age, he decided that the various sludge-smog-and-toxic-waste-slinging villains were the role models for him.
Ok, fine. Pruitt is ten years too old to have grown up on Captain Planet, but fuck you, that’s a good opening paragraph. Make your own fucking website, you don’t like it.
Chief of Staff
Nobody wants to be Reince Priebus when they grow up. He’s just so immediately recognizable as a weaselly little tapeworm of a man, y’know?
Reince Priebus is the sort of person who would be played by Brad Dourif in a film.
Steve Bannon played Bob Ewell in a high school production of To Kill a Mockingbird, and liked it so much he decided to stay in the character for the rest of his life.
A self-described Leninist, and an outspoken populist*, Bannon wants to kidney-punch the administrative state, give it a wedgie, and steal its lunch money.
Jared Kushner was born on third base and thinks he invented baseball.
Jared’s dad, Charles Kushner, went to jail for tax evasion, illegal campaign donations, and, ahem, “witness tampering,” by which I mean he set his brother-in-law up with a hooker (not, I’m sad to report, of the Pissing Russian variety) and recorded their genital-smushing in order to blackmail him.
When you worked for Akin, things weren’t simple
Cuz he got caught on tape
With legitimate rape
Senior Advisor for Policy
Why is it always the shittiest imaginable white dudes who turn out to be white supremacists?
Stephen Miller, who started balding eleven seconds after his conception, has by all accounts been a sack of monkey shit pretty much every single minute of his life.
Director of Communications
Oh wow, this new Communications Director looks like a real character, huh?
Where to begin? Ok, Anthony Scaramucci first came to –
Wait, what? Really?
White Supremacist Multi-Tool
Kris Kobach is like the protagonist of the white supremacist version of one of those Disney movies where a kid learns to chase his dreams, no matter how big. The kid gets tired of the monotonous grind of burning crosses on just one lawn at a time, and dreams of burning a cross big enough for the whole dang country!
Maybe he has a talking/singing Confederate flag for a sidekick. Named “Bedford.”
Roving Freelance Fascist
As seen in the famed documentary RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK, when the Ark of the Covenant was opened on an uncharted island north of Crete, the burning light that issued thereof reduced the Nazi soldiers present to piles of ash and molten flesh. In time, the rains washed the fascist bio-goo into the island’s sewage system, where it mixed with the shit and piss and used tampons and such, and in time it congealed, took the shape of a man (albeit an unattractive one), slapped on a pair of glasses, and Sebastian Gorka was formed.
Speaker of the House
Paul Ryan was cloned from a single pubic hair plucked from Ayn Rand post-coitus and grown in a still in Charles Koch’s back yard.
Senate Majority Leader
Many years ago, Gamera was following the Grateful Dead on tour, and engaged in a brief-but-life-affirming affair with an Ohio River ‘gator that hung around Ma McConnell’s pig farm, picking off runts for sustenance. Nine months later, young Mitch emerged from a leathery egg, and devoured his fellow hatchlings, beginning his life-long love affair with hurting children.
Assange, Avenatti, and Other Assholes in Various Stages of the Power-to-Prison Pipeline
When you spend as much time as I do documenting this madness, you quickly run out of synonyms for “batshit,” which is why I’m thankful for the opportunity to refer to the news this week as BEES IN YOUR EYES FEASTING ON YOUR TEARS crazy for a change. Anyway, everything is raw, unpasteurized, horror now, so let’s get this over with.
In his ongoing quest to get the Streisand Effect renamed “The Nunes Phenomenon,” Devin “Pigfucker” Nunes sued a couple of news outlets for the high crime of doing journalism, and now we get to wonder if the hilarity of Devin’s self-owning here sufficiently balances out the low-grade fascism, which is a distressingly common conundrum these days. “Ha ha ha he’s suing an internet cow and also using costly legal action as a weapon to discourage media oversight of the powerful ha ha…ha…”
Now that she no longer oversees the day to day terrorism operations at DHS, Kirstjen Nielsen is looking to “rehabilitate her image.” Heh. Good luck, I guess. Pro tip: when “concentration camp administrator” is on your resume, your “image” is kinda fucked, and maybe you shoulda thought of that before you signed up to RUN FUCKING CONCENTRATION CAMPS FOR CHILDREN. I suppose on the bright side, there’s nowhere to go but up. She could invite CNN to film her drowning puppies, one by one, and still pitch it as the “softer side of Kirstjen Nielsen.”
Meanwhile, her old boss is trying once again to pass responsibility for his loathed and loathsome child separation policy off on Barack Obama, in spite of repeated fact-checking on the matter. This is what passes for cleverness in that soggy nerve cluster Shart Garfunkel has for a brain; he wants to do something awful, and while his sociopathy won’t allow him to process quite why, he vaguely understands that his atrocity is unpopular, so he just figures he’ll blame the black guy who came before him, and yeah, nobody outside his spittle-covered base will believe him, but hey, you can fool some of the people all of the time.
Canada is sorry it forgot your birthday, it was so busy figuring out how it would take responsibility for one whole side of the Atlantic Ocean if the Bonespur Buttplug pulled out of NATO, ANYWAY it’s getting you this nice new set of retaliatory tariffs, hope you like them, they match that gravy boat from last year.
In a rare show of bipartisan unity, Democrats and Republicans came together this week to raise awareness of the brain-eating fungus afflicting American conservatives, transforming ever-increasing numbers of them into drooling, barely-coherent, imbeciles, with scarcely enough mental capacity pull up their own pants.
I must salute the bravery of Kentucky Congressdolt Thomas Massie, who heroically demonstrated the condition’s ravaging effects during a televised hearing for all the world to see. Massie’s sad little attempt to dunk on John Kerry is so fucking good, I don’t want to spoil it by describing it. If you haven’t seen it yet, watch the video, but make sure you’re not drinking anything you don’t want coming out of your nose.
And Massie is hardly alone in his suffering. Given the awesome power to call literally any witness they wanted to testify at a House Judiciary Committee hearing on white nationalism, the Republican minority figured they couldn’t do any better than deranged internet troll Candace Owens, and honestly, is there any explanation for such behavior other than “precious brain cells getting devoured at an alarming rate by a carnivorous fungus?”
You may remember Candace from her famous “You know who wasn’t all that bad? HITLER!” rant. God knows Ted Lieu remembered, and in fact helpfully played a recording of said rant during the hearing. Owens, a hateful idiot who is famous primarily for being an idiot who is hateful, quickly grew angry that Lieu was making her look like a hateful idiot by playing a recording of her saying hateful, idiotic things.
Now, if you want a truly horrifying glimpse into the darkest depths of the right-wing media bubble, if only to understand how thoroughly the brainwashing has taken over, the consensus, running all the way up to the President’s Large Adult Son, is that Owens’ deranged meltdown somehow amounted to a massive victory over the Democratic Fake Gnus Complex and its attempt to twist the narrative by (checks notes) playing a recording of something that happened. People actually watched that unhinged babble and thought she came off WELL. It’s not two Americas, friends, it’s two totally different realties.
Similarly-afflicted Congressgoons Mark Meadows and Jim Jordan snuck around behind Chairman Elijah Cummings’ back, like joyriding teenagers, and sent letters to pharmaceutical company CEOs, urging them not to cooperate with a House Oversight Committee investigation into drug prices. Because, you see, the American people are much more concerned with drug company stock prices than with the skyrocketing costs of their own life-preserving medication. Keen political instincts, those Freedom Caucus Boyz.
You see, in the case of Meadows and Jordan, you’re dealing with already unintelligent men, and then you toss in a fungus chowing down on the precious few functioning brain cells, the effects are even more pronounced. My God, think of what will happen to Louie Gohmert if we don’t act! Somebody get Sally Struthers to cut an ad on this shit.
Seems Steve Mnuchin neglected to the read the How to Come at Maxine Waters Handbook,* creating an amusing bit of television for those who enjoy watching the privileged squirm under unexpected accountability. Secretary Mnuchbag, like so many of Orange Julius Caesar’s flunkies, needs a humiliating court defeat before complying with the law and turning over his grifter boss’ tax returns. I say let him have it. Anyway, Michael Tracey heads up a Maxine-Waters-Had-Me-For-Lunch support group if you need it Stevie.
Meanwhile, the Candycorn Skidmark made a dangerous new enemy: the Batman. He tweeted out a video from some random member of the Committee to Re-Elect the Turd-Gargling Dotard, which lifted music from Hans Zimmer’s score for the Dark Knight Rises. While I know it was Warner Brothers who delivered the ensuing legal beatdown, I’m choosing to believe it came from Bryce Wayne himself, and I’m sure you’ll forgive me if I indulged in a passing fantasy about the entire Swiss Family Robinshart languishing away in Arkham Asylum till the end of their days.
Mike Pants and Pete Buttigieg continued their feud over whether God loves everybody, or just dumb, hateful, white people. Mikey Hairshirt doesn’t understand why Mayor Pete is being so mean, “JUST because I want to take away his basic civil rights and make him a second-class citizen in his own country, and yeah, ok, if I’m totally honest I’d love it if the government could just execute all the little deviants, but honestly, there’s no need to be rude.”
State-level Republicans just can’t wait to get an abortion rights case before the new, Anthony-Kennedy-less Supreme Court, and get back to the good ol’ days when Andy Griffith was on the teevee, and women were almost people…but not quite. Wannabe Theocrat Mike DeWine signed a horrifically restrictive new ban into law in Ohio, but they’re probably getting greedy down in Texas, looking to implement the death penalty for not only abortion providers, but also any woman so arrogant as to assume she has the right to make choices about her own body. No, Republicans aren’t passing any bills to actually make their constituents’ lives any better, why do you ask?
Bringing that private sector magic to the federal government, the Marmalade Shartcannon has instituted an “Employee of the Month” competition among his Cabinet stooges. The winner gets a really nice parking space, all the illicit prescriptions Dr. Ronny Jackson can fire off, and access to Scott Pruitt’s old soundproof wank-off booth. I think the shiny new Attorney General has the gig locked down for the foreseeable future.
William Barr is quickly turning out to be the public sector version of Michael Cohen Trump has been seeking since taking office; a devoted fixer. Whether it’s hiding the Mueller Report from the American public, or indulging Government Cheese Goebbels’ paranoid fantasies and launching baseless investigations of his enemies, Barr is on the job. Now, you might be appalled at how hard one man is working to undermine the very rule of law in your beloved United States of America, but look, Billy really wants that parking spot.
You might think wielding the powers of the American presidency would be an awful lot of fun, but I assure you, it’s not all overdone steaks and teenage beauty pageant dressing rooms. Why, just the other day, our own President Crotchrot lamented that for all his supposed might, he can’t even order the U.S. military to assault asylum-seeking migrants at the southern border, not even a few women and children here and there. Anyway, I’m off to Hallmark in search of a “Sorry Things Aren’t as Fascist as You’d Like” card. Maybe one with Garfield on it.
So, hey, you remember that big expose in the Failing New York Times last year? The one about the Grand Wizard Grifter’s long life of financial crime, including fraud to the tune of millions of dollars? Yeah, the one that would’ve ended any other presidency, but got bumped out of the news cycle after about 19 minutes, probably by Diamond and Silk auditioning for American Idol with Deutschland Uber Alles or something similarly inane?
Yeah, that one. Well, it also implicated Conman Don’s older sister, Maryanne Trump Barry, who has been serving as a federal judge, and naturally, she was facing an investigation into her role in the criminal conduct, which seems to have been substantial. So Judge Barry made a snap decision to retire, and *poof*, the investigation evaporated on the wind, like the last vestiges of Lindsay Graham’s integrity on a Bedminster golf course. Don’t worry though, she still gets to keep on collecting her six-figure government salary.
Jesus Christ, is there like, an accountability-dodging gene? I swear, while most of humanity can trace its evolutionary lineage from the primates on back to the primordial soup, the Trump clan is clearly descended directly from some sort of mutant loophole-seeking tapeworm.
Good news! If you’re reading this, under the new Republican tax
scam reform law, you’re twice as likely to have paid zero taxes this year! Oh, ASTERISK, that’s assuming you’re a huge corporation like Amazon or Netflix! If you’re just a common, working class, meatsack, would you kindly just fuck off and die?
Hey, if you’re smiling at the thought of Assange’s long-overdue comeuppance, this next one’s gonna break your goddamn face. Michael Avenatti, who once dreamed of riding Stormy Daniels and a series of quasi-entertaining media appearances all the way to the White House, will likely instead face a lifetime of letting other people decide when he’s allowed to have the lights on in his room. Michael looks to have committed enough super-scuzzy crimes (one particular highlight involves embezzling millions from a paraplegic client) to be named an honorary Trump. I sort of feel like the series finale of this entire shitshow involves Avenatti taking a DNA test and finding out Weehands McNodick is his real father.
I’m afraid I have some bad news as well, Resisters…after two years of historic unpopularity, the first President to never once earn net positive approval ratings has finally figured out the secret to reversing his persistent polling troubles: just look at the numbers in the mirror, and pretend your disapproves are approves, and vice versa! No, Americans do not like their White Nationalist in Chief, but BIZARRO TRUMP AM LOVED BY ALL.
And Herman Cain’s nomination to the Federal Reserve Board is in doubt, with enough Republican Senators publicly coming out as Herman Cain? Holy Fuck That’s a Stupid Idea votes to block confirmation. Is this what it takes to get the GOP to finally take a stand against the never-ending clown parade of terrible Trump appointments? Do you have to be blisteringly unqualified AND accused of sexual harassment by multiple women AND black? All indications are it’s smooth sailing for equally incompetent, tax-dodging, child-support-withholding, nitwit Stephen Moore, after all.
Former Obama White Counsel Greg Craig got indicted for lying to law enforcement, in an offshoot of the Mueller/Manafort case, and Kellyanne Conway took a hilarious victory lap as though 65% of her contact list isn’t facing charges in one jurisdiction or another right now. Whatever.
Hey, speaking of rotten faith attacks by Republicans, I guess Representative Ilhan Omar stole the experimental time machine from Space Force headquarters and went back in time to personally commit the 9/11 attacks and then wrote a stand-up routine about it which she delivered as the opening act for Louis C.K.? Oh, what’s that you say? She was just talking about anti-Muslim prejudice, and hateful shitbags are dishonestly twisting her words out of context even though they know she’s already getting death threats? Yeah, that sounds about right. Honest and decency are SO 2016.
So I guess one of Stephen Miller’s thwarted little plots involved bussing detained immigrants to sanctuary cities in order to release them en masse as vengeance on pro-immigration politicians. You might think, “Lord, that sounds like something a third-rate Bond villain might try.” Well…the spray-on hair fits, Stephen…
Anyway, I am pleased to announce that Devin Nunes is now suing YOU for reading this post. But at least you don’t have BEES IN YOUR MOTHERFUCKING EYES. That’s worth drinking to, don’tcha think?
*A single notecard reading “DON’T.”