Mike Pence is the Patron Saint of Mediocre White Dudes, and the Roman God of Failing Upwards.
A Democrat in his youth, Pence, like many men of limited intelligence, turned to religious conservatism for the convenience of being able to end arguments by claiming God shares his every fear and prejudice, while forgiving his every shortcoming, how convenient.
Secretary of State
Over the course of three decades, Rex Tillerson fucked, bribed, and murdered his way to the top of Exxon Mobil, like some sort of jowlsy Eva Peron.
Secretary of the Treasury
Steve Mnuchin, like his namesake, the Noise You Make When You’re Dry Heaving After Getting Food Poisoning From Eating Truck Stop Gas Station Roller Hot Pockets on a Road Trip, is deeply unpleasant, and may result in the involuntary voiding of foul-smelling bodily fluids.
Secretary of Defense
Chief of Staff
National Security Advisor
Holy shit, there are Generals all over the place these days, aren’t there?
Retired General James Mattis serves as Secretary of Defense. Retired General John Kelly ran Homeland Security for a bit, before becoming the Lead Executive Branch Babysitter, excuse me, Chief of Staff. H.R. McMaster’s the National Security Advisor, and hell, he’s still on active duty.
Jefferson Beauregard Sessions, third generation of his family to carry the name of a Confedarate piece of trash and also a second Confederate piece of trash, is living his dream. As Velveeta Goebbels’ Attorney General, he’s turning back the clock to a time when women and minorities knew their place, and mediocre white dudes like himself got to run everything, even if they weren’t especially bright.
Ryan Zinke is like if the crappiest robot in Westworld escaped and jumped into conservative politics. He’s such a cartoon cowboy, I bet his right boot says “Andy” on the bottom.
Secretary of Commerce
When a witch’s curse transformed his master into a Beast and his fellow servants into household objects, Wilbur Ross became a decorative garden gnome. Unlike the rest of his compatriots, he ventured out into the world to make his fortune in the realm of shady international finance and money laundering, and when True Love’s Kiss lifted the curse, Wilbur was too far away for the enchantment to reverse, and thus he remains trapped in gnome form forever.
Secretary of Health and Human Services
If the Hippocratic Oath is binding in any sort of spiritual sense, Tom Price is royally fucked, y’all. There is some straight Dante shit awaitin’ him in the afterlife.
Secretary of Housing and Urban Development
Dr. Ben Carson is only in politics because he was rude President Obama to his face. At the 2013 National Prayer Breakfast, a traditionally non-political event, Dr. Ben, having been invited as the keynote speaker, decided to use his time to shit on the President and his policies.
Secretary of Education
Betsy DeVos is what happens when bored white ladies have enough money to really fuck shit up. Turns out, if you’re born rich and marry richer, you don’t have to settle for a book club, you can buy yourself a whole cabinet department!
Administrator of the EPA
Scott Pruitt, like a lot of boys his age, grew up watching Captain Planet cartoons. Unlike most boys his age, he decided that the various sludge-smog-and-toxic-waste-slinging villains were the role models for him.
Ok, fine. Pruitt is ten years too old to have grown up on Captain Planet, but fuck you, that’s a good opening paragraph. Make your own fucking website, you don’t like it.
Chief of Staff
Nobody wants to be Reince Priebus when they grow up. He’s just so immediately recognizable as a weaselly little tapeworm of a man, y’know?
Reince Priebus is the sort of person who would be played by Brad Dourif in a film.
Steve Bannon played Bob Ewell in a high school production of To Kill a Mockingbird, and liked it so much he decided to stay in the character for the rest of his life.
A self-described Leninist, and an outspoken populist*, Bannon wants to kidney-punch the administrative state, give it a wedgie, and steal its lunch money.
Jared Kushner was born on third base and thinks he invented baseball.
Jared’s dad, Charles Kushner, went to jail for tax evasion, illegal campaign donations, and, ahem, “witness tampering,” by which I mean he set his brother-in-law up with a hooker (not, I’m sad to report, of the Pissing Russian variety) and recorded their genital-smushing in order to blackmail him.
When you worked for Akin, things weren’t simple
Cuz he got caught on tape
With legitimate rape
Senior Advisor for Policy
Why is it always the shittiest imaginable white dudes who turn out to be white supremacists?
Stephen Miller, who started balding eleven seconds after his conception, has by all accounts been a sack of monkey shit pretty much every single minute of his life.
Director of Communications
Oh wow, this new Communications Director looks like a real character, huh?
Where to begin? Ok, Anthony Scaramucci first came to –
Wait, what? Really?
White Supremacist Multi-Tool
Kris Kobach is like the protagonist of the white supremacist version of one of those Disney movies where a kid learns to chase his dreams, no matter how big. The kid gets tired of the monotonous grind of burning crosses on just one lawn at a time, and dreams of burning a cross big enough for the whole dang country!
Maybe he has a talking/singing Confederate flag for a sidekick. Named “Bedford.”
Roving Freelance Fascist
As seen in the famed documentary RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK, when the Ark of the Covenant was opened on an uncharted island north of Crete, the burning light that issued thereof reduced the Nazi soldiers present to piles of ash and molten flesh. In time, the rains washed the fascist bio-goo into the island’s sewage system, where it mixed with the shit and piss and used tampons and such, and in time it congealed, took the shape of a man (albeit an unattractive one), slapped on a pair of glasses, and Sebastian Gorka was formed.
Speaker of the House
Paul Ryan was cloned from a single pubic hair plucked from Ayn Rand post-coitus and grown in a still in Charles Koch’s back yard.
Senate Majority Leader
Many years ago, Gamera was following the Grateful Dead on tour, and engaged in a brief-but-life-affirming affair with an Ohio River ‘gator that hung around Ma McConnell’s pig farm, picking off runts for sustenance. Nine months later, young Mitch emerged from a leathery egg, and devoured his fellow hatchlings, beginning his life-long love affair with hurting children.
Atrocity, Lawlessness, Deception, and Louise Linton: Your Madness Roundup
This week’s news reads like an issue of Mad Magazine, guest edited by H.P Lovecraft after an allergic reaction to bad shellfish. If you’re reading this blog near other people, you may want to keep a pillow handy, to scream into.
Well, Hairplug Himmler isn’t going to let a silly little thing like “torturing an American citizen to death” undermine his bromance with murderous autocrat Kim Jong-un. Responding to a report that Kim’s murdered half-brother was a CIA informant, the Dotard swore he’d never ever let the big bad United States spy on his little buddy like that again.
Anyway, to any rogue regimes who may be reading my humble poo joke blog, if you happen to be illicitly developing weapons that can snuff out tens of thousands of human lives in an instant, take comfort in knowing that in exchange for an insincere compliment or two, the President of the United States of America will merrily suspend intelligence-gathering operations in your nation. It seems to be literally as simple as sending a fucking birthday card.
Shout out to Jon Stewart, who successfully shamed the House Judiciary Committee into passing a bill to extend the September 11th Victim Compensation Fund. It’s amazing what a platform and a little brutally clear communication can do. Maybe if we can get Jerry Seinfeld to do a tight five on treason, we can have our motherfucking country back.
Republican Congressthief Kevin Brady, one of the architects of the GOP tax scam which remains the Marmalade Shartcannon’s sole significant legislative achievement, issued a tiny, barely-worth-mentioning, correction regarding the bill’s alleged fiscal responsibility: “Look, when we said the tax cuts would pay for themselves OBVIOUSLY we meant that to mean ‘strictly in terms of plutocrat donations to their pet political party.’ And looking at my re-election fund, those cuts have TOTALLY paid for themselves. Suckers.”
Justin Amash broke up with House Freedom Caucus, saying, “It’s not you, it’s not me, it’s the rule of law, so wait, basically yeah, it’s you.” Poor Justin thought the FC was devoted his specific brand of insanity, while it turns out the Jim Jordans of the world are happy to roll around into whatever shitpile happens to be handy, and if that’s Trumpist authoritarianism, well so be it. While Amash has taken custody of all the caucus’ dignity in the split, he concedes it’s unlikely he’ll ever get his White Lion t-shirt back.
While numerous American industries suffer under the Sunny D-Bag’s idiot trade war, the migrant child concentration camp industry is absolutely booming. So much so, in fact, that the Crotchworm Administration is reopening Fort Sill, a WWII-era Japanese internment camp, to torture a fresh new generation of kids othered by a racist federal government. I wouldn’t be surprised to learn that this twisted little bit of malevolent symbolism was all Stephen Miller asked his boss for for his birthday this year.
Hey I bet you think that’s the vilest border-related story in tonight’s blog. I mean, it’s pretty goddamn disgusting.
Care to put some money on that?
You remember that one Border Patrol thug, excuse me, “agent” who is facing charges stemming from the time he tried to murder a migrant with his truck? Well, he’s back in the news today on account of his defense attorney working to suppress his horrific, dehumanizing, bigoted-as-fuck, text messages at trial. I guess when your client’s casual work banter is indistinguishable from Nazi rhetoric, you’d rather the jury didn’t know about it. Oh, and part of the defense strategy appears to be “everyone at Border Patrol is this racist, so no big deal, right?” Sleep tight.
Now you’re thinking, “Surely that’s the worst exhibit Trump’s Atrocity Carnival has to offer this week. Surely.”
Double or nothing, then?
Because we haven’t even mentioned the story about the teenage mother and her premature baby detained in appalling conditions. We haven’t talked about the “facility” in El Paso described as “a human dog pound.” Do we even have the strength to imagine all the evil these fuckers have successfully concealed from us?
Take a minute to read those stories, folks. Get a beer, have a cry. We’ll do a couple cheap gags when you’re ready, I guess.
Look, it’s tough pretending to be something you’re not, and Mike Flynn is sick and tired of acting like a more or less reasonable human being, when in his heart of hearts, he is such a demented wingnut maniac that he doesn’t even get invited to Breitbart parties anymore, because he keeps cornering children to talk to them about QAnon. To that end, hiring batguano-gargling loon Sidney Powell as his new attorney is really just Flynn being his best self; trouble is, his “best self” is completely insane, unrepentantly corrupt, and just generally shitty.
Admit it, you’d completely forgotten about Howard Schultz’s misguided “presidential campaign” until he popped up this week to suspend it. Of course, he’s still threatening to bring his signature brand of boring, antagonistic, centrism back if Democratic primary voters don’t vote the way he wants them to. God, he’s like a Scooby Doo villain, vowing, as he’s led away in handcuffs, to return when we least expect it.
“It’s old man Schultz, from the bland, characterless, coffee chain!”
“And I would’ve gotten away with it too, if weren’t for my complete and total lack of ideas, political instincts, and charisma!”
Tangerine Idi Amin, in a feeble attempt to discredit Don McGahn’s damning testimony in the Mueller report, suggested his former White House Counsel lied under oath “to make himself look like a good lawyer,” and you can almost forgive the doddering old bloat for making such a baseless accusation, since “lying to make yourself seem awesome when you’re actually just a wobbly stack of hot garbage in a bad wig” is the story of literally every single minute of his rotten, wasted, life.
Of course, the bigger headline out of that Stephanapoulos interview was the bit where the Bonespur Buttplug went “Hell to tha Yeah I’d accept foreign help for my re-election! I need all the help I can get, bro, have you watched me campaign? I rant like a damaged clone of Nathan Bedford Forrest in the advanced stages of dementia! I couldn’t do it by myself last time, and I sure shit can’t now that everybody’s seen how I actually govern! Seriously, Russia, Saudi Arabia, Chad, anybody, CALL ME!”
And Marsha Blackburn, eager to finally bring her famous brand of lunatic partisanship to the upper chamber, blocked Mark Warner’s bill, which would require campaigns to contact the FBI if any foreign power pops by to say “Hey, kid, wanna buy some treason?” Two fun things about the politics of 2019:
A) We’re starting to write all the laws we never thought we’d need because even 240 years’ worth of crooked-ass politicians couldn’t imagine the fuckery a moral black hole like Donald Trump would attempt.
B) We’re learning that Republican Party isn’t willing support those laws. NEAT.
And Government Cheese Goebbels is particularly desperate for extralegal campaign support these days, with his own internal polling revealing the precise dimensions of the massive can of electoral whoop-ass Diamond Joe Biden would unleash on him in a head-to-head matchup. When you’re shouting “fake news” at your own propaganda apparatus, you’re in trouble.
I hope you can all attend the opening of my new play, Five Wrinkly-Ass Old White Dudes, Sitting Around Outlawing Abortion, about the city council in Whogivesafuck, Texas, and their dumbfuck quest to create a “sanctuary city for the unborn.” I debated even bringing this one up tonight, but you know what they say…all politics is yokel BAM TIP YOUR WAIT STAFF.
A government watchdog recommended Kellyanne Conway be fired for her repeated, taunting violations of the Hatch Act, which is an entirely reasonable response to serial, unapologetic, law-breaking. Regrettably, in perhaps the most depressing commentary yet on the shit-encrusted state of our beautiful democracy, literally no one anywhere on Earth imagined Conway would be fired, or, indeed, face any consequences whatsoever. Literally mocked the law, live on camera, and won’t even lose her fucking parking space.
Duncan Hunter’s wife flipped on him so hard he’ll have to call her “Rick Gates” in bed from now on. Although, now that Margaret is cooperating with prosecutors against her husband, I imagine the Walls of Jericho have gone up in the Hunter household.
While the Pneumatic Poo Dispenser’s unhinged tweetstorms have become significantly less newsworthy now that we’ve learned to dismiss them as the deranged rantings of a never-particularly-potent-and-now-rapidly-deteriorating intellect, I would be remiss in my duties if I failed to mark the one about the “Prince of Whales.” Y’know, in the three years since he started pissing directly into our brains every hour of every day, this is the first thing he’s ever said or written to bring me the slightest bit of delight, if only accidentally. The Prince of Whales? Oh, didn’t he show up on Super Friends that one time Aquaman was visiting his sick grandma?
Look, if you want to read about the latest developments in the field of issuing and dodging subpoenas, or holding contempt votes, or whatever other procedural shenanigans are going down in Congress, you’ll have to write your own jokes, because, as I have expressed previously, Jerry Nadler shufflin’ papers around just isn’t funny. Take, for example, “DOJ releases legal opinion supporting Treasury refusal to turn over Trump tax returns.” Important? Surely. Funny? I can’t find it. I’ll drink more and get back to you.
On that subject, Circus Peanut Sydney Greenstreet is invoking executive privilege to avoid coughing up documents related to his shitsack administration’s attempt to apply Crest Whitening Strips to the 2020 Census. It goes without saying that there’s no legal standing to do that, it’s just something he likes shouting because he thinks it’s this magical power presidents get to call upon to get out of anything they don’t want to do, from eating their peas to obeying the Constitution.
And Sarah Huckleberry Slanders surveyed her labors of the last two years, and said unto herself, “Though I delight in my work, bringing George Orwell’s darkest nightmares to life, I must admit that I’ve single-handedly done more damage to the American experiment than all our nation’s wartime foes put together. Perhaps it’s time I retired to Arkansas, to pursue my lifelong dream of conducting unregulated cosmetics research at a puppy mill of my very own.” And so she is taking her sneering mendacity and going home.
In all our storied history, few have failed at being American quite so badly as the Uncredible Huck. Sarah, I wish you insufficient legroom on all your flights. May your DVR perpetually record over your favorite programs with post-Topher-Grace episodes That 70’s Show. You deserve ingrown toenails and root canals and rush hour traffic, but above all other torments, may you be subjected to your fuckstick father’s unique blend of hate speech and dad jokes for the rest of your days.
Mike Pompeo practically tripped over his own feet to blame Iran for an attack on two tankers in the Gulf of Oman, though the owner of one of the ships disputes Mike’s please-oh-please-let-me-start-a-war-can-I-can-I-can-I account. It’s way too early to figure out who’s telling the truth here, but hey, maybe the Treasonweasel Administration should’ve read the Boy Who Cried Wolf before they decided to burn their credibility on stupid shit like crowd size and crying farmers.
As he ramps up his re-election campaign, Weehands McNodick is returning to his roots, and refusing to pay folks for services rendered. In this case, it’s mostly local police departments the law-and-order candidate is stiffing, and if nothing else, that should add some interesting justification contortions for his faux evangelical base to grapple with. Shit, he still hasn’t paid Washington D.C. back for his (hilariously, pathetically, under-attended) inauguration. Our secret weapon in 2020 may wind up being the People the President Personally Owes Money To vote.
The Shart House decided that what Flag Day really needed was a pic of Sultan Spraytan dry-humping Old Glory, just to really drive home his instinctual disrespect of the United States and all her cherished symbols. On Independence Day, expect him to waddle over to the Lincoln Memorial just to rub his ass all over Honest Abe’s leg.
I have to confess, as I was driven to the very edge of sanity by all this incompetence and malice, I was profoundly grateful to stumble across Louise Linton’s latest flailing attempt at rehabbing her Bond villainess image. God love her, as she rolls around in the money her maggot-souled vulture capitalist husband “earned” foreclosing on decent people’s homes, as she dines with the Queen of England while children rot in cages, she’s still fantasizing about some 21st century Leni Riefenstahl elevating her to her unjustly-delayed stardom. She is a truly magnificent monster.
Speaking of the Garbage Women behind the Garbage Men, there seems to be an effort underway to cast Melania as some sort of Fascist Jackie O? I don’t really care, do u?
Oh, and I guess it’s Lil’ Donnie Two-Scoops’ birthday. I think I speak for all American patriots when I say I hope the extra ice cream gives you tummy pain. I was gonna get you a cake, but why don’t you eat ALL THE SHIT instead.
Holy hell I’m in a bad mood now. I dunno, something about watching my government torture children really BUMS ME OUT. Anyhow, it’d cheer me up if everybody reading this could bite and scratch and claw and fight with every ounce of their strength to win this country back from these awful, awful, people.