Der Postmeister Postmaster General

Der Postmeister Postmaster General

Donald Trump had a problem. A problem called “democracy.” See, he LIKED being President, (well, not the work part, but definitely charging the Secret Service to pee) but those rat-bastard Founding Fathers built all these dumb ol’ “elections” into their dumb ol’ “Constitution,” and smack dab in the middle of an economy you personally wrecked and a pandemic you disastrously mismanaged is nobody’s idea of a great time for a performance review.

Pigfucker Multipurpose Trump Tool

Pigfucker Multipurpose Trump Tool

Devin “Pigfucker” Nunes was an early adopter of Donald Trump’s unique blend of authoritarianism and kakistocracy, and it’s not hard to understand why; it takes a whole lotta institutional white supremacy to keep men so maliciously mediocre in positions of power.

Wrinkly Gamera Breaker of Senates

Wrinkly Gamera Breaker of Senates

There is no greater proof that the Republican base has no goddamn sense than Mitch McConnell’s consistently dismal approval rating from voters of his own party; the man is absolute ghoul, yes, and certainly he projects little folksy warmth, but he puts Ws on the board. Big ones. More than anybody I’ve ever seen.

Liar Tuck Middling Telefascist

Liar Tuck Middling Telefascist

To level with y’all up front, I think Tucker Carlson is the most dangerous man in America. He’s the mouth of American fascism, and Donald Trump’s unofficial Chief Disinformation Dispenser, and, ultimately, a manufacturer of brownshirts.

The Vainglorious MTG Actual Fucking Congresswoman, Heaven Help Us

The Vainglorious MTG Actual Fucking Congresswoman, Heaven Help Us

Take an unusually weak mind, surgically remove evolution’s hard-won capacity to tell fact from fiction, fill the empty spaces with hate, and you’ve got Marjorie Taylor Greene. Drop that mind in the middle of the I-know-we’re-not-supposed-to-dismiss-MAGA-whites-as-racist-hillbillies-but-COME-ON shithole known as the Georgia 14th, and you’ve got the dumbest, most malicious member of the United States Congress, and ascendant American fascism’s loudest, vilest mouth.

Incesto, the Treasonous Clown Freelance Legal Idiot

Incesto, the Treasonous Clown Freelance Legal Idiot

When Rudy Giuliani, having just chugged a bottle of methamphetamine-laced NyQuil, stumbled onstage to deliver his apocalyptic sermon of fear at the 2016 Republican Nation Convention, you knew something was deeply fucked in this country.

NUMBER TWO

NUMBER TWO

Vice-President

Mike Pence is the Patron Saint of Mediocre White Dudes, and the Roman God of Failing Upwards.

A Democrat in his youth, Pence, like many men of limited intelligence, turned to religious conservatism for the convenience of being able to end arguments by claiming God shares his every fear and prejudice, while forgiving his every shortcoming, how convenient.

POMPEY THE NOT GREAT

POMPEY THE NOT GREAT

Secretary of State

Mike Pompeo is one of those performatively pious fake Christians who loves using his loudly-claimed-but-seldom-followed faith like a cudgel while ignoring every single word of the actual Bible, including “and” and “the.”

UNSEXY REXY

UNSEXY REXY

Secretary of State

Over the course of three decades, Rex Tillerson fucked, bribed, and murdered his way to the top of Exxon Mobil, like some sort of jowlsy Eva Peron.

BILIOUS BILL

BILIOUS BILL

Attorney General

William Barr actually taught me a valuable lesson. See, I didn’t look too closely at Bill when he was nominated to be Attorney General. After Jeff “Too Racist for the 80’s” Sessions and the masculine toilet guy, honestly, he looked like a nice, refreshing, safe, traditional Republican. An institutionalist who could bring a little much-needed stability.

And then he turned out to be a fascist, and one of the most dangerous enemies of democracy in American history. Whoops. My bad.

MNUCHBAG

MNUCHBAG

Secretary of the Treasury

Steve Mnuchin, like his namesake, the Noise You Make When You’re Dry Heaving After Getting Food Poisoning From Eating Truck Stop Gas Station Roller Hot Pockets on a Road Trip, is deeply unpleasant, and may result in the involuntary voiding of foul-smelling bodily fluids.

THE GENERALS

THE GENERALS

Secretary of Defense
Chief of Staff
National Security Advisor

Holy shit, there are Generals all over the place these days, aren’t there?

Retired General James Mattis serves as Secretary of Defense. Retired General John Kelly ran Homeland Security for a bit, before becoming the Lead Executive Branch Babysitter, excuse me, Chief of Staff. H.R. McMaster’s the National Security Advisor, and hell, he’s still on active duty.

OL’ BEAUREGARD The President's Loyal Huntin' Dawg

OL’ BEAUREGARD The President's Loyal Huntin' Dawg

Attorney General

Jefferson Beauregard Sessions, third generation of his family to carry the name of a Confedarate piece of trash and also a second Confederate piece of trash, is living his dream. As Velveeta Goebbels’ Attorney General, he’s turning back the clock to a time when women and minorities knew their place, and mediocre white dudes like himself got to run everything, even if they weren’t especially bright.

ZINKE BOOTZ

ZINKE BOOTZ

Ryan Zinke is like if the crappiest robot in Westworld escaped and jumped into conservative politics. He’s such a cartoon cowboy, I bet his right boot says “Andy” on the bottom.

WIL-BUR, THE GNOME KING

WIL-BUR, THE GNOME KING

Secretary of Commerce

When a witch’s curse transformed his master into a Beast and his fellow servants into household objects, Wilbur Ross became a decorative garden gnome. Unlike the rest of his compatriots, he ventured out into the world to make his fortune in the realm of shady international finance and money laundering, and when True Love’s Kiss lifted the curse, Wilbur was too far away for the enchantment to reverse, and thus he remains trapped in gnome form forever.

PLAGUEMASTER T

PLAGUEMASTER T

Secretary of Health and Human Services

If the Hippocratic Oath is binding in any sort of spiritual sense, Tom Price is royally fucked, y’all. There is some straight Dante shit awaitin’ him in the afterlife.

DOCTOR NAPTIME

DOCTOR NAPTIME

Secretary of Housing and Urban Development

Dr. Ben Carson is only in politics because he was rude President Obama to his face. At the 2013 National Prayer Breakfast, a traditionally non-political event, Dr. Ben, having been invited as the keynote speaker, decided to use his time to shit on the President and his policies.

THE DEVOSTATOR

THE DEVOSTATOR

Secretary of Education

Betsy DeVos is what happens when bored white ladies have enough money to really fuck shit up. Turns out, if you’re born rich and marry richer, you don’t have to settle for a book club, you can buy yourself a whole cabinet department!

SCOTTY 2 HAUGHTY

SCOTTY 2 HAUGHTY

Administrator of the EPA

Scott Pruitt, like a lot of boys his age, grew up watching Captain Planet cartoons. Unlike most boys his age, he decided that the various sludge-smog-and-toxic-waste-slinging villains were the role models for him.

Ok, fine. Pruitt is ten years too old to have grown up on Captain Planet, but fuck you, that’s a good opening paragraph. Make your own fucking website, you don’t like it.

PUBIS

PUBIS

Chief of Staff

Nobody wants to be Reince Priebus when they grow up. He’s just so immediately recognizable as a weaselly little tapeworm of a man, y’know?

Reince Priebus is the sort of person who would be played by Brad Dourif in a film.

DARTH WINO

DARTH WINO

Chief Strategist

Steve Bannon played Bob Ewell in a high school production of To Kill a Mockingbird, and liked it so much he decided to stay in the character for the rest of his life.

A self-described Leninist, and an outspoken populist*, Bannon wants to kidney-punch the administrative state, give it a wedgie, and steal its lunch money.

JAR-JAR

JAR-JAR

Senior Advisor/Son-in-Law

Jared Kushner was born on third base and thinks he invented baseball.

Jared’s dad, Charles Kushner, went to jail for tax evasion, illegal campaign donations, and, ahem, “witness tampering,” by which I mean he set his brother-in-law up with a hooker (not, I’m sad to report, of the Pissing Russian variety) and recorded their genital-smushing in order to blackmail him.

PRINCESS IVANKA

PRINCESS IVANKA

Daddy’s Little Girl

Ivanka Trump is what happens when you cross Gwyneth Paltrow with Mussolini’s dumbest, laziest aide-de-camp. Watching her try to sell her father’s fascism as some sort of pro-woman lifestyle brand, marketed in the sickliest imaginable shade of pink, has been one of the most bizarre subplots of this nightmare we can’t seem to pinch ourselves out of.

THE EMPRESS MALARIA

THE EMPRESS MALARIA

First Lady

So, while Melania Trump is perhaps not as shitty as many of the crooks, Nazis, and Nazi crooks who inhabit her dirtbag husband’s world, she manages to impressively shitty in her own right.

HEY, KELLYANNE!

HEY, KELLYANNE!

Senior Counsel

Hey, Kellyaaaaaaaaaaaanne!
Hey, Kellyaaaaaaaaaaaanne!

When you worked for Akin, things weren’t simple
Cuz he got caught on tape
With legitimate rape

4-HEDD THE SHITTY WHITE GUY FROM BEYOND THE STARS

4-HEDD THE SHITTY WHITE GUY FROM BEYOND THE STARS

Senior Advisor for Policy

Why is it always the shittiest imaginable white dudes who turn out to be white supremacists?

Stephen Miller, who started balding eleven seconds after his conception, has by all accounts been a sack of monkey shit pretty much every single minute of his life.

THE MOOCH

THE MOOCH

Director of Communications

Oh wow, this new Communications Director looks like a real character, huh?

Where to begin? Ok, Anthony Scaramucci first came to –

Wait, what? Really?

KKKRIS KKKOBACH

KKKRIS KKKOBACH

White Supremacist Multi-Tool

Kris Kobach is like the protagonist of the white supremacist version of one of those Disney movies where a kid learns to chase his dreams, no matter how big. The kid gets tired of the monotonous grind of burning crosses on just one lawn at a time, and dreams of burning a cross big enough for the whole dang country!

Maybe he has a talking/singing Confederate flag for a sidekick. Named “Bedford.”

“DOC” GORKA

“DOC” GORKA

Roving Freelance Fascist

As seen in the famed documentary RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK, when the Ark of the Covenant was opened on an uncharted island north of Crete, the burning light that issued thereof reduced the Nazi soldiers present to piles of ash and molten flesh. In time, the rains washed the fascist bio-goo into the island’s sewage system, where it mixed with the shit and piss and used tampons and such, and in time it congealed, took the shape of a man (albeit an unattractive one), slapped on a pair of glasses, and Sebastian Gorka was formed.

Breaking News: It’s Only Monday and We’re Already Drowning in Buttholes

Monday, June 3rd, 2019

 

Trying something different tonight; instead of reading the news, I drank six gallons of Listerine while bludgeoning my temples with a ball peen hammer. My hallucinations can’t possibly be any more bizarre than what’s going on in real life, right?

So, Redactor General Bill Barr gave a horrifying little interview to CBS, seemingly designed with the improbable goal of making Americans miss Jeff Sessions, who for all his faults* was still unwilling to drown Lady Justice in a kiddie pool at his Turd Emperor’s merest whim. Yes, Barr will merrily and dutifully perform master’s bidding, pursuing investigations of law enforcement officials for the unforgivable transgression of investigating an attack on the United States by a hostile foreign power. Asked if he’s worried about history remembering him as the jowlsy steward to a cabal of cheap crooks in their quest to destroy American democracy for personal profit, Billy shrugged the question off with a disturbingly-casual “everyone dies,” and fuck, y’all, the last thing this administration needed was a fucking nihilist.

With red state legislatures around the country tripping over each other to be the first to get their Mandatory Handmaid’s Tale LARPing bill in front of Beer-Liking Woman-Hater Brett Kavanaugh, Senator Susan Collins finds her approval ratings back home in Maine plummeting like the stock market during a moronic, unnecessary, trade war. Faced with this potentially career-ending reversal of fortune, expect Collins to break out her most extreme brow-furrowing and concern-expressing. Hasn’t failed her yet.

We got to see a transcript of a voice mail one of Shart Garfunkel’s lawyers left for one of Mike “the Turkish Delight” Flynn’s lawyers, where he was all, “Hey, dunno if you’re still up, just wanted to chat, maybe we can get on XBox Live and play some Call of Duty later. Anyhow, if you see any Justice lying around, if you could go ahead and obstruct it for us, that’d be great.” So that was fun.

We were supposed to see more transcripts, of Flynn’s conversations with the Russian ambassador, but DoJ decided that court orders are optional, kinda like flossing, only the risk here is of descending into anti-democratic tyranny rather than getting gingivitis.**

There was another mass shooting, of course, because there’s always another mass shooting, because Republicans believe in an imaginary constitutional amendment that says “P.S. all rights are null and void whenever they come into conflict with gun manufacturers’ profits.” We’re listening to bullshit conservative arguments about silencers this time instead of bullshit conservative arguments about semi-automatic weapons, so that’s different, anyway. The dead people are just as dead, though.

Looks like Steve Bannon got evicted from his neofascist commune in Italy, probably because the rancid, oily, substance he secretes from his pores was eating through the walls of the medieval abbey he’d been renting as his little jagoff clubhouse. Steve my dude, so many of your problems could be solved with a set of good, sturdy, industrial-strength, furniture covers. Or, y’know, by not being a bulging sack of festering warthog rectums, but I suppose that ship has sailed.

While your average Human Being With a Functioning Soul gets upset about things like the senseless loss of life from the opioid crisis, or the cruelty of locking migrant children in cages, Laura Ingraham is MAD AS HECK that the worst people in the world keep getting their megaphones taken away after years of belching up hatred and lies. The examples she presented on her Fascist Variety Show looked like the weird kids table at Arkham Asylum, but Alex Jones has to be pleased to finally find himself on a list where he’s not the undisputed most gigantic smelly butthole. “Oh, you terrorized Sandy Hook families for months with fabricated conspiracy theories?” scoffs Paul Nehlen, “Whatever, I wore a shirt with an anti-Semitic mass murderer’s face on it, you wuss.”

Yeah, Laura Ingraham thinks it’s bad that THAT turdmaggot lost his platform. And companies still advertise on her fucking show.

And early candidate for Whitest Guy of the Year emerged when some douchebag beardo hipster freak decided Kamala Harris needed to suspend her presidential campaign for a hot second to listen to what the (douchebag beardo hipster) menfolk had to say. Of course the media rushed to give the little prick the platform he’d been seeking all along, instead of pelting him with hacky sacks until he learned his lesson, which is what he fucking deserved.

Shart Administration Multi-Tool Mick Mulvaney popped up on the Sunday Shoz to talk about how normal and justifiable it is for the government to hide entire battleships from the Idiot Manchild President, since he has to sleep with a nite lite on because he thinks he’s being haunted by the dude whose name is on the side of the boat. “It’s all perfectly reasonable, and by the way, we’re installing a giant tarp over Virginia so Mr. Trump doesn’t have to look at a blue state when he jets off to those ego-fluffing Klan rallies he enjoys so much.

Roger Stone does not seem to be handling his late-in-life brush with legal accountability well, and it turns out the Wealthy White Ratfucker version of “throwing a tantrum in Target because Mom because won’t buy you a Ninja Turtle figure” is “calling for the execution of the former head of the CIA because the law finally caught up to you.” I’m sure Laura Ingraham will be taking up Rog’s cause any day now.

Demonstrating the compassion and decorum he’s famous for, the Velveeta Vulgarian swung by a church in Northern Virginia, straight off the golf course, dressed like an escapee from the last legs of a Napa Valley retiree tour, to desecrate the very concept of “prayer.” People say he doesn’t take his role as consoler-in-chief seriously, but folks, his motorcade spent sixteen whole minutes at that church.***

Axios gifted us with a rare Jared Kushner interview, and I know you’ve all missed that wispy, one-line-character-in-a-Tim-Burton-movie voice that makes you wonder just exactly how much inbreeding takes place amongst the 1%. Jared is so majestically awful at this shit, it’s like watching a walrus play basketball; seeing him squirm and sneer and duck and dodge is so cringeworthy it makes you appreciate that the Shart House would still rather send the Sheriff of Nepotismham out to the media than risk another televised meltdown from Amputated Rage Foreskin Stephen Miller.

Lucky us, we get a double shot of Jar-Jar, with details emerging about his oft-delayed Middle East peace “plan.” Looks like the idea is, give Israel everything they want, while the Palestinians go, “Y’know what? You’re right, we never wanted a state of our own anyway, just toss in a 2 liter of RC Cherry Cola and some o’ those 20% off at Bed Bath and Beyond coupons, and we’ll call it square.”

Shit, even Mike Pompeo, who’s normally such a loyal little stooge that he wears a tag around his neck that says “If lost, return to Mar-a-Lago,” can’t sell this shit. Gosh, if the skeevy little twit whose only qualification is “was born rich” can’t crack this nut, who can?

The Failing New York Times published a deep dive into the jaw-dropping corruption of Testudines Fetishist/Transportation Secretary Elaine Chao, who at least has had the good sense to keep her grifting out of the headlines until now, unlike your common Scott Pruitts and Ben Carsons. While any cabinet official in any previous administration would have been sacked over a story like this, Chao can rest easy knowing that nobody will even remember it in a week’s time, because the President will have teabagged Prince Philip or something.

You have to admit, Mitch McConnell sure married well. It’s the dream of every starry-eyed young Republican politician, isn’t it? Spend your career rigging the economy for the benefit of the wealthy as you corruptly use your ever-expanding power to line your own pockets until you yourself join the plutocracy you’ve long served…and all you had to do was sell out your constituents. Sweet gig, Yertle.

Louisiana, having already claimed their seat on the Horrific Abortion Ban bandwagon, went a step further, in declining to impose a legal minimum age on marriage, so now a teenage girl can not only be forced to carry her rapist’s child, she can be pressured into marrying him, too! How long ‘till the evangelical “Christian” south drops the pretense, declares all women to be legally property, and has them tattooed with bar codes at birth? Anyway, Roy Moore has been seen scouting out potential living quarters in downtown Baton Rouge, which is a coincidence, I’m sure.

A new study says the Bonespur Buttplug’s petulant new round of proposed tariffs on Mexico would constitute the largest tax increase on American consumers in almost 30 years, which is somehow not the only story in tonight’s blog about the President deliberately kicking our economy in the junk. This is just the first round of those tariffs, by the way, at 5%; Shitferbrains has threatened to jack them up an additional 5 every month until they hit 25%. I swear, Putin must pinch himself hourly, unable to believe the bargain he got just by opening a few troll farms.     

It’s weird how important it is to Duncan Hunter to let the world know that he’s an utterly amoral creep. Hot off his “hell yeah I take pictures with enemy corpses, everybody who doesn’t is a CUCK” media appearance, he trundled down to the basement manchildcave known as “Barstool Sports” to casually mention the “hundreds of civilians” he probably killed, including women and children, in Iraq, so what’s the big deal about a few silly ol’ war crimes anyhow? Zounds. I dunno about y’all, but I’m taking Duncan’s number out of my “potential babysitters” rolodex.

On the other hand, Hunter may be playing the long game here. After all, Republican voters have demonstrated that, presented with a wide variety of candidates with exemplary resumes, they will ultimately choose the sociopath with a criminal history. So our boy’s thinkin’, “I’m clearly headed to jail soon, I just gotta establish my lunatic cred before Matt Gaetz gets the media all to himself.”

And Donnie Dotard when to England, apparently seeking the novelty of being mocked and loathed in a different accent for a change. The Brits certainly gave him the welcome he deserved; they trolled our Engorged Tick President so hard I’m starting to think we should reapply for colony status. Look, I know we got mad the last time they burned down the White House, but if anybody felt like taking another crack at it, I bet we could get the mysterious Anonymous Op-Ed Author to replace the fire extinguishers with silly string dispensers. That’d be a hoot, huh?

Anyway. He picked juvenile fights with Meghan Markle and the Mayor of London, and probably tried to dry-hump Big Ben, because hey, the American people were counting on him to embarrass the shit out of us, and that’s the one field where he’ll never let us down. Doddering old fuck even managed to say something stupid about the fucking FLOOR, because of course he did.

Now, I know we’re used to getting buried up to our chins in bat guano every single day here in Shitty Wonderland, but the President of the United States calling for a boycott of an American company that employs more than 270,000 people takes us firmly into Ionesco-on-bath-salts territory.

Lil’ Donnie Two-Scoops was already colicky over not being able to watch his precious Fux Nooz while in England (because it was cancelled due to abysmal ratings HAHAHAHAHAH), forcing him to watch CNN (he sure as heck wasn’t gonna read his dumb ol’ security briefing), which, unlike Fux, does not fellate him 24/7. And so he took to the tweetymachine to attack an American job creator, piss on the first amendment, and probably kidney-punch a bald eagle, all at once.

Trump Transition Team Toady George Nader got arrested today for transporting child pornography, and I’m starting to think all that hullabaloo about hiring “the best people” was less than sincere. Nader was a prominent witness in the Mueller investigation, and has ties to scumbags from Washington to Riyadh and back, so one can’t help but wonder what interesting little tidbits of information he might be offering the feds to stay out of jail…

And now I see there’s actually a group of Republican Congressjags trying to get Steve Fucking King’s committee assignments back, I guess cuz things just aren’t the same without an open white supremacist shitsack weighing in on what our laws should be. Anyway, I’m a member of the party that’s against “giving the white nationalist more power,” so I can look myself in the mirror tonight.

Of course there’s more. There’s always more. There’re hearings and contempt votes and tiger and bears and who the fuck knows what else, but I’m beaten down by this shit tonight, and I haven’t even started drinking yet. What I’m saying is that it’s time to start drinking.

*Yeah, there’s not enough room in this blog to list ‘em, but we can start with the ridiculous ears and the racism.

**I was way more afraid of gingivitis than dictatorship when I was a younger. Stupid kid.

***Fuck, I spent more time than that mourning the Morgan Freeman character in UNFORGIVEN.  Um, “spoilers,” I guess.

Der Postmeister Postmaster General

Der Postmeister Postmaster General

Donald Trump had a problem. A problem called “democracy.” See, he LIKED being President, (well, not the work part, but definitely charging the Secret Service to pee) but those rat-bastard Founding Fathers built all these dumb ol’ “elections” into their dumb ol’ “Constitution,” and smack dab in the middle of an economy you personally wrecked and a pandemic you disastrously mismanaged is nobody’s idea of a great time for a performance review.

Pigfucker Multipurpose Trump Tool

Pigfucker Multipurpose Trump Tool

Devin “Pigfucker” Nunes was an early adopter of Donald Trump’s unique blend of authoritarianism and kakistocracy, and it’s not hard to understand why; it takes a whole lotta institutional white supremacy to keep men so maliciously mediocre in positions of power.

Wrinkly Gamera Breaker of Senates

Wrinkly Gamera Breaker of Senates

There is no greater proof that the Republican base has no goddamn sense than Mitch McConnell’s consistently dismal approval rating from voters of his own party; the man is absolute ghoul, yes, and certainly he projects little folksy warmth, but he puts Ws on the board. Big ones. More than anybody I’ve ever seen.

Liar Tuck Middling Telefascist

Liar Tuck Middling Telefascist

To level with y’all up front, I think Tucker Carlson is the most dangerous man in America. He’s the mouth of American fascism, and Donald Trump’s unofficial Chief Disinformation Dispenser, and, ultimately, a manufacturer of brownshirts.

The Vainglorious MTG Actual Fucking Congresswoman, Heaven Help Us

The Vainglorious MTG Actual Fucking Congresswoman, Heaven Help Us

Take an unusually weak mind, surgically remove evolution’s hard-won capacity to tell fact from fiction, fill the empty spaces with hate, and you’ve got Marjorie Taylor Greene. Drop that mind in the middle of the I-know-we’re-not-supposed-to-dismiss-MAGA-whites-as-racist-hillbillies-but-COME-ON shithole known as the Georgia 14th, and you’ve got the dumbest, most malicious member of the United States Congress, and ascendant American fascism’s loudest, vilest mouth.

Incesto, the Treasonous Clown Freelance Legal Idiot

Incesto, the Treasonous Clown Freelance Legal Idiot

When Rudy Giuliani, having just chugged a bottle of methamphetamine-laced NyQuil, stumbled onstage to deliver his apocalyptic sermon of fear at the 2016 Republican Nation Convention, you knew something was deeply fucked in this country.

NUMBER TWO

NUMBER TWO

Vice-President

Mike Pence is the Patron Saint of Mediocre White Dudes, and the Roman God of Failing Upwards.

A Democrat in his youth, Pence, like many men of limited intelligence, turned to religious conservatism for the convenience of being able to end arguments by claiming God shares his every fear and prejudice, while forgiving his every shortcoming, how convenient.

POMPEY THE NOT GREAT

POMPEY THE NOT GREAT

Secretary of State

Mike Pompeo is one of those performatively pious fake Christians who loves using his loudly-claimed-but-seldom-followed faith like a cudgel while ignoring every single word of the actual Bible, including “and” and “the.”

UNSEXY REXY

UNSEXY REXY

Secretary of State

Over the course of three decades, Rex Tillerson fucked, bribed, and murdered his way to the top of Exxon Mobil, like some sort of jowlsy Eva Peron.

BILIOUS BILL

BILIOUS BILL

Attorney General

William Barr actually taught me a valuable lesson. See, I didn’t look too closely at Bill when he was nominated to be Attorney General. After Jeff “Too Racist for the 80’s” Sessions and the masculine toilet guy, honestly, he looked like a nice, refreshing, safe, traditional Republican. An institutionalist who could bring a little much-needed stability.

And then he turned out to be a fascist, and one of the most dangerous enemies of democracy in American history. Whoops. My bad.

MNUCHBAG

MNUCHBAG

Secretary of the Treasury

Steve Mnuchin, like his namesake, the Noise You Make When You’re Dry Heaving After Getting Food Poisoning From Eating Truck Stop Gas Station Roller Hot Pockets on a Road Trip, is deeply unpleasant, and may result in the involuntary voiding of foul-smelling bodily fluids.

THE GENERALS

THE GENERALS

Secretary of Defense
Chief of Staff
National Security Advisor

Holy shit, there are Generals all over the place these days, aren’t there?

Retired General James Mattis serves as Secretary of Defense. Retired General John Kelly ran Homeland Security for a bit, before becoming the Lead Executive Branch Babysitter, excuse me, Chief of Staff. H.R. McMaster’s the National Security Advisor, and hell, he’s still on active duty.

OL’ BEAUREGARD The President's Loyal Huntin' Dawg

OL’ BEAUREGARD The President's Loyal Huntin' Dawg

Attorney General

Jefferson Beauregard Sessions, third generation of his family to carry the name of a Confedarate piece of trash and also a second Confederate piece of trash, is living his dream. As Velveeta Goebbels’ Attorney General, he’s turning back the clock to a time when women and minorities knew their place, and mediocre white dudes like himself got to run everything, even if they weren’t especially bright.

ZINKE BOOTZ

ZINKE BOOTZ

Ryan Zinke is like if the crappiest robot in Westworld escaped and jumped into conservative politics. He’s such a cartoon cowboy, I bet his right boot says “Andy” on the bottom.

WIL-BUR, THE GNOME KING

WIL-BUR, THE GNOME KING

Secretary of Commerce

When a witch’s curse transformed his master into a Beast and his fellow servants into household objects, Wilbur Ross became a decorative garden gnome. Unlike the rest of his compatriots, he ventured out into the world to make his fortune in the realm of shady international finance and money laundering, and when True Love’s Kiss lifted the curse, Wilbur was too far away for the enchantment to reverse, and thus he remains trapped in gnome form forever.

PLAGUEMASTER T

PLAGUEMASTER T

Secretary of Health and Human Services

If the Hippocratic Oath is binding in any sort of spiritual sense, Tom Price is royally fucked, y’all. There is some straight Dante shit awaitin’ him in the afterlife.

DOCTOR NAPTIME

DOCTOR NAPTIME

Secretary of Housing and Urban Development

Dr. Ben Carson is only in politics because he was rude President Obama to his face. At the 2013 National Prayer Breakfast, a traditionally non-political event, Dr. Ben, having been invited as the keynote speaker, decided to use his time to shit on the President and his policies.

THE DEVOSTATOR

THE DEVOSTATOR

Secretary of Education

Betsy DeVos is what happens when bored white ladies have enough money to really fuck shit up. Turns out, if you’re born rich and marry richer, you don’t have to settle for a book club, you can buy yourself a whole cabinet department!

SCOTTY 2 HAUGHTY

SCOTTY 2 HAUGHTY

Administrator of the EPA

Scott Pruitt, like a lot of boys his age, grew up watching Captain Planet cartoons. Unlike most boys his age, he decided that the various sludge-smog-and-toxic-waste-slinging villains were the role models for him.

Ok, fine. Pruitt is ten years too old to have grown up on Captain Planet, but fuck you, that’s a good opening paragraph. Make your own fucking website, you don’t like it.

PUBIS

PUBIS

Chief of Staff

Nobody wants to be Reince Priebus when they grow up. He’s just so immediately recognizable as a weaselly little tapeworm of a man, y’know?

Reince Priebus is the sort of person who would be played by Brad Dourif in a film.

DARTH WINO

DARTH WINO

Chief Strategist

Steve Bannon played Bob Ewell in a high school production of To Kill a Mockingbird, and liked it so much he decided to stay in the character for the rest of his life.

A self-described Leninist, and an outspoken populist*, Bannon wants to kidney-punch the administrative state, give it a wedgie, and steal its lunch money.

JAR-JAR

JAR-JAR

Senior Advisor/Son-in-Law

Jared Kushner was born on third base and thinks he invented baseball.

Jared’s dad, Charles Kushner, went to jail for tax evasion, illegal campaign donations, and, ahem, “witness tampering,” by which I mean he set his brother-in-law up with a hooker (not, I’m sad to report, of the Pissing Russian variety) and recorded their genital-smushing in order to blackmail him.

PRINCESS IVANKA

PRINCESS IVANKA

Daddy’s Little Girl

Ivanka Trump is what happens when you cross Gwyneth Paltrow with Mussolini’s dumbest, laziest aide-de-camp. Watching her try to sell her father’s fascism as some sort of pro-woman lifestyle brand, marketed in the sickliest imaginable shade of pink, has been one of the most bizarre subplots of this nightmare we can’t seem to pinch ourselves out of.

THE EMPRESS MALARIA

THE EMPRESS MALARIA

First Lady

So, while Melania Trump is perhaps not as shitty as many of the crooks, Nazis, and Nazi crooks who inhabit her dirtbag husband’s world, she manages to impressively shitty in her own right.

HEY, KELLYANNE!

HEY, KELLYANNE!

Senior Counsel

Hey, Kellyaaaaaaaaaaaanne!
Hey, Kellyaaaaaaaaaaaanne!

When you worked for Akin, things weren’t simple
Cuz he got caught on tape
With legitimate rape

4-HEDD THE SHITTY WHITE GUY FROM BEYOND THE STARS

4-HEDD THE SHITTY WHITE GUY FROM BEYOND THE STARS

Senior Advisor for Policy

Why is it always the shittiest imaginable white dudes who turn out to be white supremacists?

Stephen Miller, who started balding eleven seconds after his conception, has by all accounts been a sack of monkey shit pretty much every single minute of his life.

THE MOOCH

THE MOOCH

Director of Communications

Oh wow, this new Communications Director looks like a real character, huh?

Where to begin? Ok, Anthony Scaramucci first came to –

Wait, what? Really?

KKKRIS KKKOBACH

KKKRIS KKKOBACH

White Supremacist Multi-Tool

Kris Kobach is like the protagonist of the white supremacist version of one of those Disney movies where a kid learns to chase his dreams, no matter how big. The kid gets tired of the monotonous grind of burning crosses on just one lawn at a time, and dreams of burning a cross big enough for the whole dang country!

Maybe he has a talking/singing Confederate flag for a sidekick. Named “Bedford.”

“DOC” GORKA

“DOC” GORKA

Roving Freelance Fascist

As seen in the famed documentary RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK, when the Ark of the Covenant was opened on an uncharted island north of Crete, the burning light that issued thereof reduced the Nazi soldiers present to piles of ash and molten flesh. In time, the rains washed the fascist bio-goo into the island’s sewage system, where it mixed with the shit and piss and used tampons and such, and in time it congealed, took the shape of a man (albeit an unattractive one), slapped on a pair of glasses, and Sebastian Gorka was formed.

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