Mike Pence is the Patron Saint of Mediocre White Dudes, and the Roman God of Failing Upwards.
A Democrat in his youth, Pence, like many men of limited intelligence, turned to religious conservatism for the convenience of being able to end arguments by claiming God shares his every fear and prejudice, while forgiving his every shortcoming, how convenient.
Secretary of State
Over the course of three decades, Rex Tillerson fucked, bribed, and murdered his way to the top of Exxon Mobil, like some sort of jowlsy Eva Peron.
Secretary of the Treasury
Steve Mnuchin, like his namesake, the Noise You Make When You’re Dry Heaving After Getting Food Poisoning From Eating Truck Stop Gas Station Roller Hot Pockets on a Road Trip, is deeply unpleasant, and may result in the involuntary voiding of foul-smelling bodily fluids.
Secretary of Defense
Chief of Staff
National Security Advisor
Holy shit, there are Generals all over the place these days, aren’t there?
Retired General James Mattis serves as Secretary of Defense. Retired General John Kelly ran Homeland Security for a bit, before becoming the Lead Executive Branch Babysitter, excuse me, Chief of Staff. H.R. McMaster’s the National Security Advisor, and hell, he’s still on active duty.
Jefferson Beauregard Sessions, third generation of his family to carry the name of a Confedarate piece of trash and also a second Confederate piece of trash, is living his dream. As Velveeta Goebbels’ Attorney General, he’s turning back the clock to a time when women and minorities knew their place, and mediocre white dudes like himself got to run everything, even if they weren’t especially bright.
Ryan Zinke is like if the crappiest robot in Westworld escaped and jumped into conservative politics. He’s such a cartoon cowboy, I bet his right boot says “Andy” on the bottom.
Secretary of Commerce
When a witch’s curse transformed his master into a Beast and his fellow servants into household objects, Wilbur Ross became a decorative garden gnome. Unlike the rest of his compatriots, he ventured out into the world to make his fortune in the realm of shady international finance and money laundering, and when True Love’s Kiss lifted the curse, Wilbur was too far away for the enchantment to reverse, and thus he remains trapped in gnome form forever.
Secretary of Health and Human Services
If the Hippocratic Oath is binding in any sort of spiritual sense, Tom Price is royally fucked, y’all. There is some straight Dante shit awaitin’ him in the afterlife.
Secretary of Housing and Urban Development
Dr. Ben Carson is only in politics because he was rude President Obama to his face. At the 2013 National Prayer Breakfast, a traditionally non-political event, Dr. Ben, having been invited as the keynote speaker, decided to use his time to shit on the President and his policies.
Secretary of Education
Betsy DeVos is what happens when bored white ladies have enough money to really fuck shit up. Turns out, if you’re born rich and marry richer, you don’t have to settle for a book club, you can buy yourself a whole cabinet department!
Administrator of the EPA
Scott Pruitt, like a lot of boys his age, grew up watching Captain Planet cartoons. Unlike most boys his age, he decided that the various sludge-smog-and-toxic-waste-slinging villains were the role models for him.
Ok, fine. Pruitt is ten years too old to have grown up on Captain Planet, but fuck you, that’s a good opening paragraph. Make your own fucking website, you don’t like it.
Chief of Staff
Nobody wants to be Reince Priebus when they grow up. He’s just so immediately recognizable as a weaselly little tapeworm of a man, y’know?
Reince Priebus is the sort of person who would be played by Brad Dourif in a film.
Steve Bannon played Bob Ewell in a high school production of To Kill a Mockingbird, and liked it so much he decided to stay in the character for the rest of his life.
A self-described Leninist, and an outspoken populist*, Bannon wants to kidney-punch the administrative state, give it a wedgie, and steal its lunch money.
Jared Kushner was born on third base and thinks he invented baseball.
Jared’s dad, Charles Kushner, went to jail for tax evasion, illegal campaign donations, and, ahem, “witness tampering,” by which I mean he set his brother-in-law up with a hooker (not, I’m sad to report, of the Pissing Russian variety) and recorded their genital-smushing in order to blackmail him.
When you worked for Akin, things weren’t simple
Cuz he got caught on tape
With legitimate rape
Senior Advisor for Policy
Why is it always the shittiest imaginable white dudes who turn out to be white supremacists?
Stephen Miller, who started balding eleven seconds after his conception, has by all accounts been a sack of monkey shit pretty much every single minute of his life.
Director of Communications
Oh wow, this new Communications Director looks like a real character, huh?
Where to begin? Ok, Anthony Scaramucci first came to –
Wait, what? Really?
White Supremacist Multi-Tool
Kris Kobach is like the protagonist of the white supremacist version of one of those Disney movies where a kid learns to chase his dreams, no matter how big. The kid gets tired of the monotonous grind of burning crosses on just one lawn at a time, and dreams of burning a cross big enough for the whole dang country!
Maybe he has a talking/singing Confederate flag for a sidekick. Named “Bedford.”
Roving Freelance Fascist
As seen in the famed documentary RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK, when the Ark of the Covenant was opened on an uncharted island north of Crete, the burning light that issued thereof reduced the Nazi soldiers present to piles of ash and molten flesh. In time, the rains washed the fascist bio-goo into the island’s sewage system, where it mixed with the shit and piss and used tampons and such, and in time it congealed, took the shape of a man (albeit an unattractive one), slapped on a pair of glasses, and Sebastian Gorka was formed.
Speaker of the House
Paul Ryan was cloned from a single pubic hair plucked from Ayn Rand post-coitus and grown in a still in Charles Koch’s back yard.
Senate Majority Leader
Many years ago, Gamera was following the Grateful Dead on tour, and engaged in a brief-but-life-affirming affair with an Ohio River ‘gator that hung around Ma McConnell’s pig farm, picking off runts for sustenance. Nine months later, young Mitch emerged from a leathery egg, and devoured his fellow hatchlings, beginning his life-long love affair with hurting children.
BREAKING SHOWER CAP SCOOP! McConnell: “The Time Has Come…to Embrace Evil!”
BREAKING SHOWER CAP SCOOP:
We all remember reading about the meeting Mitch McConnell called shortly after Barack Obama’s election, the one where he laid out the Republican plan to obstruct every Obama goal, to deny him accomplishments and make him a one-term president.
Well, I have obtained EXCLUSIVE audio of a similar meeting, held just last night, called once again by McConnell, of all currently serving GOP Congressmen and Senators.
(The audio was obtained by planting recording devices in a number of unnecessarily-large American flag lapel pins, which were then left in a bowl in the Senate Republican Cloakroom, knowing that no Republican would be willing to appear less patriotic than his cohorts.)
“Gentleman, and almost-but-not-quite-equal ladies…times have changed, and we must change with them. We gather here on the eve of the worst mass-shooting in American history, knowing full well that we have actively enabled it at every conceivable turn, and further that we will use every power at our disposal to ensure the next mass murderer faces little, if any, obstruction in assembling the tools necessary for his bloody work, and so too for the next murderer, and the next and the next and the next.
We have spent the entire year in a determined effort to strip health insurance from millions of our constituents; and we conspire even now to shift ever more wealth to our donors, daring even to openly RAISE taxes on vast swaths of the middle class!
And our voters, improbably but exuberantly, cheer us on at every step.
Our voters have changed. Gone are the days of fiscal conservatism, of pursuing any coherent agenda at all, really.
Our base doesn’t desire a better job or a nicer house; they want the family that already has that nicer house to be dragged into the street and forced to watch it burn to the ground. They don’t want their government to improve anyone’s life; they simply want us to make their enemies suffer. And if their enemies are their fellow Americans, so much the better. Strip them of their rights and their security, their access to health care and the ballot, their very humanity if it’s at all possible.
Why? There is no why, friends. We no longer represent a rational constituency. We haven’t for some time now. I don’t know if you noticed, but we’ve got people marching around wearing swastika armbands in broad daylight, and they ain’t votin’ for Bernie Sanders. Perhaps we should finally be honest with ourselves about what we are.
In short, the time has come, my friends…to embrace evil.
“Finally!” exclaimed Tom Cotton, pumping his fist exuberantly before biting the head off one of the lightly-sedated puppies he keeps in his desk to snack on during late-night vote-a-ramas.
“Master! Master!” cried an unfamiliar voice, “I have an idea!” It was Tim Murphy, Congressman from the Pennsylvania 18th. “It’s about the 20-week abortion ban bill!”
“Ah yes,” cooed McConnell. “That vote’s coming up this very week, is it not? You may speak.”
“Master, I have asked my very own mistress to abort the unborn child conceived from our foul, illicit writhings! Might not the news of this hypocrisy be used to christen our assault upon female autonomy?”
“Yes….YES. ‘Twill do, ’twill do excellent well methinks! Leak the story at once!” McConnell oozed.
“Master, if you wish it, I could slit the girl’s throat on the floor on the House, e’en as I cast my vote! What a statement that would make!”
“No, no,” chuckled the Majority Leader, “That won’t be necessary. Though your enthusiasm is admirable, my son.”
And with a wave of his flipper-like hand, pages emerged from the shadows, distributing to each of gathered Republicans a single, spent shell casing recovered from Stephen Paddock’s hotel room at the Mandalay Bay, and a plastic bottle of water stolen from a shipment that had been marked for the Puerto Rican recovery effort.
Uttering an oath in a vile language no decent person would dare to speak in open daylight, they each swallowed their casing, relieved to finally swear open allegiance to the dark gods they’ve flirted with for so long.
And let me tell ya, now that the call has been made, they’re really leaning into the evil this week.
Starting of course, with the typical “Let’s not talk about gun control, let’s run out the clock until the public moves on to whatever’s next” response to a dude stockpiling his own personal arsenal and using it to declare open season on Whatever Human Beings Happened to be Below His Hotel Window, killed 59 and wounding close to 600.
600. One guy. Jesus fucking Christ.
Shart House talking points urge us to “gather the facts.” What facts are we gathering, fuckheads? Do you imagine, that on further inspection, this dickhead’s FORTY-SEVEN guns will turn out to be elaborate chocolate replicas, and nobody’s really dead? Fuck you.
With no rational excuse for their inaction, the GOP has settled on “Hey, every so often a whole bunch of us are going to die in a horrific hail of bullets, WHADDYA GONNA DO?” To serial pervert Bill O’Reilly, that’s “the price of freedom.” To John Thune, we all just need to learn how to “get small” enough that when some jackass starts shooting, the bullets can’t find us! (Great solution, John! I can see why you’re a Senator!) To Jason Chaffetz, no solution is even imaginable; mass slaughter is just a fact of life now, and if you or someone you love happen to be in the line of fire, well, SHRUG!
WHAT MORE DO YOU WANT FROM US?!? WE LOWERED THE FLAG TO HALF-MAST!
Yes, the best the entire conservative movement can come up with in response to all these stupid, useless, gun deaths is…”Shit Happens.” And for their voters, somehow…that’s good enough. What word can you use but “Evil?”
Nikki Haley was all “You call that evil? I’LL SHOW YOU BITCHES EVIL,” and then she had the United States VOTE AGAINST A RESOLUTION CONDEMNING THE USE OF THE DEATH PENALTY FOR BEING LGBT AT THE UNITED NATIONS.
WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK?!? Look, I don’t expect the Shart Administration to have Jed Bartlet’s values, but I confess I was hoping the floor was a little bit higher than “Gay people don’t deserve to live.”
Newsweek reports the Mercer family and other Republican billionaires are happily footing Tangerine Idi Amin’s legal bills, because collusion with a hostile foreign power is a small price to pay when you’re looking for fat fuckin’ tax cuts…if you’re EVIL, that is.
I’m not even CLOSE to done yet. There’s gonna be so much evil, you’ll get tired of evil.
The GOP congress got so swept up in their latest ACA-repeal fever dream that they let CHIP expire, WHOOPSIE! No biggie, it’s just health care for 9 million CHILDREN, you’d have to be awfully damn evil to let 9 million CHILDREN lose their…oh wait.
Shit, everyone knows the Freedom Caucus just wants more cancer-ridden kids to serve at their weekly banquets! (And you can interpret “serve” however you like, chums.)
Mike Pence‘s chief of staff, Nick Ayers, is ALL ABOUT dat evil. He wants a “purge” of Republicans who are inadequately deferential to President Shartcannon and his meandering agenda. “Purge.” Jesus. Well, at least that explains the Stalin mustache Ayers has been wearing around the office on Casual Fridays.
Now, if we’re gonna talk about REAL evil…and seriously, if you’re under 18, you should ask your parents’ permission before reading this paragraph…it turns out that Jared and Ivanka maintained, and conducted government business from, YET ANOTHER private e-mail address, the third uncovered so far. (I apologize for the shocking language.)
For extra fun, Jar-Jar and the Princess moved their private e-mail accounts to the Drumpf Organization once they got caught, because not only is obstructing justice an automatic reflex in this family, but so is doing so with all the finesse of a three-legged hippo. (Seriously, look at how Jared’s dad wound up in prison. Master criminals these folks ain’t.)
Anyway, there is NO WAY these e-mails haven’t been hacked by every nation on earth by now, so I bet Gowdy Doody’s about to launch eleventy-five separate investigations, because we all know that using private e-mail is greatest imaginable sin for a government official.
Anyhow, you better believe the Velveeta Urinal Cake wants in on the evil. The dude wants nuclear war with North Korea so bad he went on Twitter to tell his Secretary of State NOT TO BOTHER WITH DIPLOMACY.
Gorilla Grodd’s sitting in the corner, slow-clapping over that one.
But don’t worry, the State Department spokesperson is throwing around tough talk about not allowing NK to obtain nuclear capacity…despite their obtaining nuclear capacity some time ago. We’re in good hands, aren’t we?
And then of course, Shartboy went to Puerto Rico. And somehow, with subatomic expectations, he managed to underperform.
He took special care to snub the Mayor of San Juan, who he’s “feuding” with over the botched recovery effort. He awkwardly “joked” about the all the budget problems these suffering people were causing, with their selfish existing-in-the-path-of-a-hurricane. He took special note to tell the residents of the island that theirs wasn’t a REAL disaster like Katrina, SO STOP WHINING, YOU PUSSIES. Then he threw paper towels out into the crowd like a mascot at a baseball game, only instead of being fun, it was mocking millions of Americans in dire need of humanitarian assistance, WHEEEEEE.
For a little frosting on the Cupcake of Evil, Boss Shart gave a shout-out to the far-right conspiracy theory that Puerto Rican truck drivers are on strike, because the President of the United States gets his information from the sort of sources that push Pizzagate. Sleep tight.
Drumpf’s IRS decided to award a no-bid contract to Equifax to verify taxpayer identities, even tough Equifax just got half the country’s shit hacked. This is sort of the crossroads of Evil and Incompetence, which is really where most governing is done these days.
Once you’ve absorbed all the Raw Evil, the Merely Corrupt seems almost quaint. Nikki Haley violated the Hatch Act, how quaint. Ryan Zinke’s being investigated by the Interior Department’s Inspector General? Awww….who’s a corrupt government official? YOU are! YOU are!
Speaking of rampant GOP corruption, turns out Paul Ryan went to bat for recently-departed HHS secretary/incorrigible grifter Tom Price, because fiscal conservatism means that it’s totally appropriate for a Republican to force taxpayers to shell out a million bucks in six months so he can travel in style, so long as he supports gutting the Meals on Wheels program.
Let’s take a quick detour from Evil, even from Corruption, down a little side street called Seriously How Fucking Stupid Are You? It seems that one of the newest GOP congressdopes, Ron Estes from Kansas, got tricked into booking a room at the Capitol for a faux congressional hearing broadcast on Ukrainian television for the benefit of lobbyists.
Good lord. Maybe we should make Republican Congressmen pass some of those No Child Left Behind grade school tests before we let them pass laws and shit.
Anyway, the Supreme Court heard arguments on partisan gerrymandering today, so now we just get to sit around and wait for Anthony Kennedy to decide how much democracy we get. NEAT.
Aaaaand a late CNN story tells us that Russian Facebook ads specifically targeted Wisconsin and Michigan, and golly, it’s really awesome knowing a hostile foreign power made such a difference in an election that installed a Rancid Jar of Mayonnaise as the American President, isn’t it?
Speaking of late-breaking news, today’s the day we learned what “bump stocks” are, and that, for reasons beyond any sane mind’s capacity for comprehension, they are somehow LEGAL. What genius had that idea? FUCK.
So yeah. Shit be cray. Shit’s been cray for awhile now, but I think the GOP’s open embrace of pure evil will at least be clarifying in days to come.
I’M LOOKING FOR SILVER LININGS, FUCK YOU.