The weekend was relatively quiet, so you sort of expected the calm wouldn’t last. It didn’t.

So open a bag of new Crunchless Doritos For Her, pour yourself a glass of Hush, the Menfolk Are Talking brand boxed wine, and strap yourself in for the Monday Nite Madness Update.

Paul Ryan demands your praise, peasants! The wealthy have, for the time being, unlocked the dumpsters behind their mansions, and you may eat of their refuse!

Ryan, that working class hero, trumpeted the tale of some barely-human wage slave, whose Paul-Ryan-gifted buck-fifty-per-week salary increase would cover her FUCKING COSTCO MEMBERSHIP with e’en enough riches leftover to purchase ketchup packets to flavor the children’s lunchtime bowls of warm water, if only on special occasions. SHOW YOUR OVERLORDS YOUR GRATITUDE, SERFS!

And vast stretches of land in what was recently the Bears Ears and Grand Staircase-Escalante National Monuments are now open to mining claims, because natural beauty is, as we have established, for CUCKS. Anyway, if anybody wants to team up with me, I’m thinkin’ of heading out west to mark my Unobtanium claim. I promise not to go all Fred C. Dobbs on ya.*

Hey, the forces of sanity actually chalked up a couple of wins, for a change! K.T. McFarland, having apparently read up on the legal consequences of lying under oath, withdrew her nomination for Ambassador to Singapore!

Also, Lunatic Hates-Science-So-Much-She-Still-Holds-a-Grudge-Against-Galileo Fanatic Kathleen Hartnett White won’t be heading up the Council on Environmental Quality, because apparently there’s actually a line too low for even THIS administration to cross, which I confess surprises me.

…now if we can just navigate the next thousand miles of this minefield of madness…

Wait, what? An authentic, Holocaust-denying ACTUAL NAZI will be the Republican Party’s candidate for a U.S. Congressional seat? Lord. And that isn’t even the only story involving Holocaust denial and Congress in the last week.

So much for sanity.

Team Fiscal Conservatism decided that giving their oligarch donor class a fat fuckin’ tax cut was so important it was worth a massive increase in federal borrowing, so we’ll be passing the collection plate around to the tune of almost a trillion bucks this year.

It’s just the darndest thing, how Republicans bitch and moan about deficits whenever Democrats try to, y’know, improve people’s lives, but all that concern evaporates like a fart on the wind when Charley Koch decides he wants to gold-plate his small intestine.

There was a big football game Sunday evening, or as viewed by the Candycorn Skidmark and his Jagoff Support Squad, one last opportunity this season to stoke his shitty white jag base’s racial resentments!

I’m not really a football guy, but I guess the team with the biggest Trumpsters lost, and several members of the victorious Eagles are already saying “FUCK no I’m not going to the Shart House, I don’t wanna get ketchup and experimental hair tonic on my good shoes,” and Jake Tapper seemed pleased, so the ending seems happy enough to me.

Of course, celebrations in Philadelphia turned violent and destructive, with widespread property damage prompting a swift and merciless response from militarized law enforcement, who turned out in riot gear, assaulting the crowd with rubber bullets and tear gas.

HAHAHAHAH DON’T BE SILLY THESE WERE WHITE PEOPLE THROWING A PARTY OVER A SPORTING EVENT NOT BLACK PEOPLE SUGGESTING THEIR LIVES MATTER HA HA HA.

Pennsylvania Republicans asked Justice Samuel Alito to please-o-please let them keep their meticulously gerrymandered congressional districts so that they don’t have to actually be accountable to their voters, but Alito said “Broseph, this is so corrupt even I can’t give you any cover,” and thus Pennsylvania Republicans became sad.

Of course the Penn GOP is screeching about seeking further judicial remedies. Now, I know Republicans don’t understand the Constitution, but don’t any of them even bother to read it anymore? What do these dopes think comes after SCOTUS? You can’t just set up a kangaroo court in Sean Hannity’s basement, y’know.

Oh, but now they’re trying to get the Pennsylvania Supreme Court judges who ruled in the first place impeached. This is the modern Republican way; when the rule of law asserts itself, destroy the enforcers.

Mick Mulvaney quietly smothered the investigation into the Equifax data breach, because why should the Consumer Financial Protection Bureau do anything silly like protect consumers?

…

Well, I put it off as long as I could, but there’s no avoiding it, I guess. But I just don’t WANNA. It’s just so dumb and grating and…

…Fine. Everybody turn Metal Machine Music up full blast and let’s talk about Devin “Pigfucker” Nunes and his pigfucking goddamn MEMO.

The memo itself remains ridiculous, an unsubstantiated talk radio wet dream debunked immediately upon landing. Fuck, even Gowdy Doody says it does fuckall to undercut the Russia investigation. So far from it, in fact, that it OPENLY CONFESSES the whole thing got rolling when that dumbshit Papadopolous kid couldn’t handle his Foster’s.

But anybody who still thinks silly little things like “facts” or “the truth” matter to right anymore must’ve missed everything that’s happened over the last decade, from Birtherism to Benghazi to Pizzagate. Devin coulda released his (curiously pork-rind-heavy) grocery list, and Lou Dobbs would still dutifully declare it to be irrefutable proof of FBI corruption so deep their headquarters should be put to the torch with the whole staff inside.

The Marmalade Shartcannon himself wasted no time proclaiming himself Completely Vindicated Plus Salma Hayek Will Totally Date Me Now.

Shart, Jr. agreed with Daddy, declaring the memo to be “sweet revenge,” apparently believing Devin’s little stunt has taken care of the Russia problem once and for all, leaving a flustered Robert Mueller clutching the MEMO and shouting “NUUUUUUUUUNEEEEEEES” into the unforgiving night sky.

…nobody tell him, ok? It’ll be more fun if it’s a surprise.

And Nunes himself, wild-eyed with lard dripping from the corners of his mouth, promised further memos, memos upon memos, memos as far as the eye can see, a memo in every pot, memos enough to bury the truth and the law and that pesky United States Constitution forever.

Perhaps worried that there might be somebody somewhere on Earth who takes him seriously, Devin, drunk on bacon grease and his own misperceived might, floated the idea that Shart Carney prolly never even MET that insignificant Papaderpaderp kid, forgetting the little detail about that one photograph. You know, the one the ENTIRE GODDAMN WORLD has seen.

The hits kept on coming for the Ham Hammer, who had initially claimed that the FBI deviously hid the Steele Dossier’s origin as opposition research from the FISA court, only to be forced to backpedal because…he was totally making that shit up.

Still, President Crotchvoid thanked his faithful stooge, proclaiming him a “great American hero,” to which I say…

Why not the GREATEST AMERICAN HERO!?!? CUE THE MUSIC:

Believe it or not, I’m FUCKING A PIG!
I never thought I could feel such glee-ee-eeeee!
Grinding away on a sow in a wig!
Who could it be?
Dry-humping that pig? It’s just meeeeeeeee!

This seems like as good a time as any to remind everyone that all the memo hullabaloo hinges on the idea that there was something untoward about the warrant issued to surveil CARTER FUCKING PAGE, of all people. Yeah, the same CARTER FUCKING PAGE who likes to brag about his Kremlin ties.

Anyhow, the House Intel Committee voted to release Adam Schiff’s counter-memo, kicking it over to the White House for a thumbs up or down. That decision should be…interesting.

Oh hey, the President of the United States of America offhandedly suggested that opposition party members refusing to bestow sufficiently enthusiastic praise upon his dishonest, drone-y speech amounts to “treason,” that’s fun! Not in a “Pizza Party Where Your Mom Gives You a Roll of Quarters to Play the X-Men Arcade Game way, but in more of a Wow That’s the Sort of Thing Stalin Would Say sort of way!

Anyhow, while Donnie Dotard was busy rambling about his greatness, the Dow Jones tanked like a Trump University grad in a job interview, losing 1175 points, the biggest single-day point decline in history. Having spent months petulantly demanding credit for every new stock market increase, Shartboy was…curiously silent today.

Dang it. Michele Bachmann won’t be running for a Minnesota Senate seat, because God didn’t speak to her through How I Met Your Mother reruns like he usually does. Yo, GOD? Do you really begrudge us our fun? After more than a year of getting pummeled by this shitstorm, don’t we deserve the simple joy of watching this psychopath faceplant one last time?

Breaking late from the Failing New York Times is the tale of Government Cheese Goebbels’ lawyers urging their client to refuse to sit for an interview with the Mueller investigation for the simple reason that he lies the way most people blink, and lying to federal investigators is a crime.

Heh. “Your honor, my client cannot testify because he will certainly perjure himself if he does.” Good luck with that strategy, gents.

Ok, friends. I’m signing off before any more news about the fucking MEMO can break. Be good to yourselves out there.

*When a dude in a superhero mask pledges to maintain mental composure in a prospecting environment…y’know, caveat emptor.