Mike Pence is the Patron Saint of Mediocre White Dudes, and the Roman God of Failing Upwards.
A Democrat in his youth, Pence, like many men of limited intelligence, turned to religious conservatism for the convenience of being able to end arguments by claiming God shares his every fear and prejudice, while forgiving his every shortcoming, how convenient.
Secretary of State
Over the course of three decades, Rex Tillerson fucked, bribed, and murdered his way to the top of Exxon Mobil, like some sort of jowlsy Eva Peron.
Secretary of the Treasury
Steve Mnuchin, like his namesake, the Noise You Make When You’re Dry Heaving After Getting Food Poisoning From Eating Truck Stop Gas Station Roller Hot Pockets on a Road Trip, is deeply unpleasant, and may result in the involuntary voiding of foul-smelling bodily fluids.
Secretary of Defense
Chief of Staff
National Security Advisor
Holy shit, there are Generals all over the place these days, aren’t there?
Retired General James Mattis serves as Secretary of Defense. Retired General John Kelly ran Homeland Security for a bit, before becoming the Lead Executive Branch Babysitter, excuse me, Chief of Staff. H.R. McMaster’s the National Security Advisor, and hell, he’s still on active duty.
Jefferson Beauregard Sessions, third generation of his family to carry the name of a Confedarate piece of trash and also a second Confederate piece of trash, is living his dream. As Velveeta Goebbels’ Attorney General, he’s turning back the clock to a time when women and minorities knew their place, and mediocre white dudes like himself got to run everything, even if they weren’t especially bright.
Ryan Zinke is like if the crappiest robot in Westworld escaped and jumped into conservative politics. He’s such a cartoon cowboy, I bet his right boot says “Andy” on the bottom.
Secretary of Commerce
When a witch’s curse transformed his master into a Beast and his fellow servants into household objects, Wilbur Ross became a decorative garden gnome. Unlike the rest of his compatriots, he ventured out into the world to make his fortune in the realm of shady international finance and money laundering, and when True Love’s Kiss lifted the curse, Wilbur was too far away for the enchantment to reverse, and thus he remains trapped in gnome form forever.
Secretary of Health and Human Services
If the Hippocratic Oath is binding in any sort of spiritual sense, Tom Price is royally fucked, y’all. There is some straight Dante shit awaitin’ him in the afterlife.
Secretary of Housing and Urban Development
Dr. Ben Carson is only in politics because he was rude President Obama to his face. At the 2013 National Prayer Breakfast, a traditionally non-political event, Dr. Ben, having been invited as the keynote speaker, decided to use his time to shit on the President and his policies.
Secretary of Education
Betsy DeVos is what happens when bored white ladies have enough money to really fuck shit up. Turns out, if you’re born rich and marry richer, you don’t have to settle for a book club, you can buy yourself a whole cabinet department!
Administrator of the EPA
Scott Pruitt, like a lot of boys his age, grew up watching Captain Planet cartoons. Unlike most boys his age, he decided that the various sludge-smog-and-toxic-waste-slinging villains were the role models for him.
Ok, fine. Pruitt is ten years too old to have grown up on Captain Planet, but fuck you, that’s a good opening paragraph. Make your own fucking website, you don’t like it.
Chief of Staff
Nobody wants to be Reince Priebus when they grow up. He’s just so immediately recognizable as a weaselly little tapeworm of a man, y’know?
Reince Priebus is the sort of person who would be played by Brad Dourif in a film.
Steve Bannon played Bob Ewell in a high school production of To Kill a Mockingbird, and liked it so much he decided to stay in the character for the rest of his life.
A self-described Leninist, and an outspoken populist*, Bannon wants to kidney-punch the administrative state, give it a wedgie, and steal its lunch money.
Jared Kushner was born on third base and thinks he invented baseball.
Jared’s dad, Charles Kushner, went to jail for tax evasion, illegal campaign donations, and, ahem, “witness tampering,” by which I mean he set his brother-in-law up with a hooker (not, I’m sad to report, of the Pissing Russian variety) and recorded their genital-smushing in order to blackmail him.
When you worked for Akin, things weren’t simple
Cuz he got caught on tape
With legitimate rape
Senior Advisor for Policy
Why is it always the shittiest imaginable white dudes who turn out to be white supremacists?
Stephen Miller, who started balding eleven seconds after his conception, has by all accounts been a sack of monkey shit pretty much every single minute of his life.
Director of Communications
Oh wow, this new Communications Director looks like a real character, huh?
Where to begin? Ok, Anthony Scaramucci first came to –
Wait, what? Really?
White Supremacist Multi-Tool
Kris Kobach is like the protagonist of the white supremacist version of one of those Disney movies where a kid learns to chase his dreams, no matter how big. The kid gets tired of the monotonous grind of burning crosses on just one lawn at a time, and dreams of burning a cross big enough for the whole dang country!
Maybe he has a talking/singing Confederate flag for a sidekick. Named “Bedford.”
Roving Freelance Fascist
As seen in the famed documentary RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK, when the Ark of the Covenant was opened on an uncharted island north of Crete, the burning light that issued thereof reduced the Nazi soldiers present to piles of ash and molten flesh. In time, the rains washed the fascist bio-goo into the island’s sewage system, where it mixed with the shit and piss and used tampons and such, and in time it congealed, took the shape of a man (albeit an unattractive one), slapped on a pair of glasses, and Sebastian Gorka was formed.
Speaker of the House
Paul Ryan was cloned from a single pubic hair plucked from Ayn Rand post-coitus and grown in a still in Charles Koch’s back yard.
Senate Majority Leader
Many years ago, Gamera was following the Grateful Dead on tour, and engaged in a brief-but-life-affirming affair with an Ohio River ‘gator that hung around Ma McConnell’s pig farm, picking off runts for sustenance. Nine months later, young Mitch emerged from a leathery egg, and devoured his fellow hatchlings, beginning his life-long love affair with hurting children.
Cap’s Memorial Day Madness Blowout! Every Remaining Shred of Sanity MUST GO!
Good gravy, is all this shit really happening, or has the barista been spiking my frappuccino with hallucinogens and ghost pepper chili powder for the last 800 days or so? This one is what the poet would call “a doozy.” Get comfortable.
Ben Carson took his Holy Fuck They Let This Moron Cut Into People’s Brains tour to the House Financial Services Committee, where he revealed that even after two years as HUD secretary, he knows less about his department than college kids who don’t even make the interview stage for internships. Orange County Superfreshman Rep Katie Porter asked him if he knew what “REO,” a common term in his alleged field, meant, and Carson said “I would like to answer, but I Can’t Fight This Feeling that you’re asking me something I don’t know, so it’s Time For Me to Fly; I better Take it On the Run before I embarrass myself any further.”
Speaking of HUD, the MAGAjag Roundtable that meets in the Hall of Doom (or Trump Tower: Slaughter Swamp, as it is now called) decided that the last remaining obstacle to American greatness was a rule that prevents administrators from kicking transgender people out of homeless shelters, because we are governed by cruel people with no aspirations higher than inflicting harm on the vulnerable.
You could be forgiven for confusing the above story about the Trump Administration rolling back transgender protections with the OTHER story about the Trump Administration rolling back transgender protections, this time in regards to discrimination in health care. Gracious, you need a scorecard to keep track of all the ways these malignant shitsacks are reversing hard-won civil rights progress HAW HAW HAW GET IT A SCORECARD (weeps).
Don’t believe me? There’s more. They’re undoing regulations that forbid federally-funded adoption agencies from discriminating against LGBTQ citizens, because truly, there is no right more sacred than that of the smug, hateful, Kim Davis crowd to feel the sweet rush of petty tyranny that comes from wielding their phony “faith” as a cudgel to hurt another human being.
Secret documents revealed Russian plans to weaponize America’s largest renewable resource (that’s “hateful morons,” if you’re new) against itself, hoping to stoke racial divides even to the point of violence. Let’s all pause to enjoy a dark chuckle at Russia’s increased popularity among Republicans, as the direct result of their ongoing efforts to destroy us. Personally, I intend to fight the poison before it kills my country, rather than giddily chugging it down like a fucking Big Gulp, but then, I am a cuck.
At his latest Klan rally, Hairplug Himmler, who surely understands that the office of the presidency is the only thing keeping him out of jail, floated the idea of serving as many as five terms, what a merry jest. I say try it, fucker. Do away with term limits, we bring Obama back, you walk away from that beating with 7 votes and a half-eaten Hot Pocket in the electoral college.
Former cast regular Rex Tillerson returned for a cameo, testifying behind closed doors before the House Foreign Affairs Committee. The one snippet that leaked was about how Vladimir Putin “out-prepared” President Crotchrot at their Hamburg, Germany meeting, and thus ran circles around him. Shit, Rex, any grade school kid who takes periodic breaks from guzzling paste to glance at the chalkboard would have Donnie Dotard out-prepared. We’ve watched fourth-rate fascist Kim Jong-un play him like a fiddle, of COURSE a legit KGB operative like Putin was able slide his arm up Trump’s ass all the way to the elbow and make him perform Who’s On First.
Looks like KKKris KKKobach’s ridiculous demands for 20% of the executive branch’s power plus also a pony led to him losing the “immigration czar” gig to his rival in hyper-racist far-right shitbaggery, Ken Cuccinelli. Trying pick who’s the bigger jagoff, Ken or KKKris, is like trying to decide whether you’d rather gargle cat shit or thumbtacks.
A Mississippi state legislator, Doug McLeod, got arrested for punching his wife. Why did this neanderthal taintfungus punch his wife? Well you see, he drunkenly demanded sex, and determined that said wife was not undressing quickly enough for his liking, so he punched her in face, as one does, when one is a fucking monster. You’re probably wondering, “Hey Cap, is this McLeod thug one of them fake Christian Republicans, who voted for a horrendously restrictive abortion ban in the name of religious rules he can’t be bothered to follow in his own personal life?” Oh ye of little faith! Our boy Dougie here CO-SPONSORED Mississippi’s fetal heartbeat ban, because FAMBLY VALYOOZ.
An internal memo at the IRS conceded that yes, the law is still a thing, and we have to turn Shart Garfunkel’s tax returns, and all the plentiful evidence of criminal activity contained therein, over to Congress. Treasury Secretary Steve Mnuchin said that’s all well and good, but he didn’t get appointed to this wannabe tyrant’s cabinet to follow the law, anyway, please don’t send me to jail, there’s no fucking way Louise will stay faithful, I’m not stupid, I know she married me for the money, Christ, have you seen me, I look like a potato that got run over by a mail truck.
William Barr doesn’t want to go jail either, so the Justice Department agreed to turn over documents from the Mueller investigation to Adam Schiff and the House Intelligence Committee. As part of the
agreement capitulation, Schiff is also permitted to pick through the sack lunch Barr brings from home every day, and take whatever he likes, yes, even the fun-size Snickers he packs on Wednesdays as a little hump day treat.
Getting back to Mnuchbag real quick, he also poked his misshapen little plutocrat head out to say “We will not, as our predecessors (who were significantly less shitty people than we are) previously announced, be putting Harriet Tubman on the $20 bill because we are white supremacist dickbags, DUH.” Just one of the thousand little ways these fucks are hanging a big, fat, Whites Only sign on the USA.
More and more films and television shows are pulling out of Georgia in protest of their draconian anti-abortion law. Don’t worry about it, regressives, we know how much y’all hate those “Hollywood values,” we wouldn’t want you to sully your hands with any filthy Hollywood money. Anyway, good luck with your budget!
Nancy Pelosi moved into her summer home beneath the Velveeta Vulgarian’s ultra-thin skin, with a little press conference where she mentioned one of the crimes he’s committed, and frankly I thought it was quite kind of her to leave the other five-dozen-or-so out, but Weehands McNodick melted down anyway, throwing the kind of tantrum that tends to get families banned from Denny’s for life.
Yes, he vowed to do no business with the Democratic Party until they abandoned their dastardly oversight, so I guess we’re looking at the very first presidential strike in American history. If anybody feels like crossing that particular picket line, I’ll suspend my usual policy of disapproving of such things.
A fun little sidebar here, as Nancy casually swatted Kellyanne Conway away like an unusually dishonest fruit fly, and Conway feebly attempted to use the incident to paint herself as some sort of feminist martyr, perhaps hoping everyone had forgotten how she literally worked for the Legitimate Rape guy. Oh then there’s her current gig.
But probably the most hilarious aspect is, the meeting the Manchurian Manchild blew up with his little hissy fit was supposed to be over a potential bipartisan infrastructure package, i.e. the one and only chance he has of accomplishing anything even mildly popular between now and November 2020. While the brainwashed will doubtlessly still insist he’s playing 27-dimensional chess, the truth is more like they’re playing regular chess, and Nancy’s opening move is the thing with the horsey, and then Donnie thinks real hard for ten minutes, goes to the kitchen to retrieve a potato masher, and just starts whaling away at his own nutsack until he passes out.
Or wait, maybe the funniest part was the camera picking up the Bonespur Buttplug’s handwritten notes, for his post-tantrum follow-up tantrum, this time for the press, berating Dems for having “No Achomlishments!” Jesus. After decades of inhaling the fumes from experimental hair tonics, his never-terrifically-impressive brain has decomposed to a few feeble clusters of misfiring neurons, centered on basic, animalistic, impulses like “hate,” “insecurity,” “thirst for fame” and “desire to fuck daughter.” Certainly there’s no room available for higher functions like “understanding tariffs” or “how umbrellas work.”
And he keeps bellowing “no do-overs!” because, as we all know, the Constitution stipulates that the criminal justice system must operate by playground kickball rules. Roundly mocked for behaving like a full-diapered child, he called yet another press conference, to throw yet another tantrum about how he never threw the other tantrums everybody watched him throw, even forcing his craven staff to lie for him to that effect. I bet he missed Reince Priebus that day. Reince was REALLY good at those public groveling sessions.
Unable to cope with the effortless ease with which the Speaker manipulates their Turd Emperor, the pathetic rubes of Cult45 fled, as they always do, to a soothing alternate reality, distributing an obviously-altered video with Nancy’s speech slowed and slurred. Lil’ Donnie Two-Scoops even tweeted out a snotty little video of his own. In all fairness, I’d probably lash out too if my political nemesis kept my balls in a tiny jar on her desk.
Anyway, everybody pulls this shit. When we post videos of Trump making an ass of himself, we have to make massive cuts so they don’t all run the length of a damn David Lean film, don’t we? See? BOTH SIDES! (That one’s for you, Chuck Todd.)
Hey look, New York State passed a law allowing state tax officials to hand the Grifter Grand Wizard’s tax returns to the U.S. Congress on a silver fucking platter! Hey, maybe we can farm all this shit out to the states. If Florida makes it illegal to charge the Secret Service to pee at his tacky-ass golf resort, and Ohio cracks down on inciting violence at political rallies and maybe New Jersey imposes a hefty sentence for ruining a perfectly good steak by overcooking it and dousing it in ketchup, we can nickel and dime this fucker to death.
Jesus. Hey, let’s take a moment to laugh at bad things happening to garbage people, huh? Just as like, a palate cleanser, between the heaping plates of shit that make up the various courses of our typical news cycle, here in Hell?
Across the pond, Noted Eurotrashpile Nigel Farage, looking to project strength ahead of upcoming elections, cowered in fear of a small number of milkshake-wielding protesters. God, I haven’t seen an asshat get so thoroughly cucked by a dairy product since Alex Jones was forced to beg forgiveness from yogurt.
And spare a chuckle for Michael Avenatti, who once dreamed of jousting with the Not-So-Great Pumpkin on the debate stage, but will now have to settle for competing over who accumulates the most federal indictments, and, eventually, who has successfully hoarded the most toilet paper in their prison cell.
Oh, and Squeezably-Soft Telefascist Seb Gorka is always good for a laugh.
Game of Thrones isn’t the only show getting spinoffs, as an offshoot of the Mueller investigation yielded the indictment of a Chicago banking executive who tried to bribe Precocious Paul Manafort into hooking him up with a cabinet post. Man, who’s this bottom-feeding dork who tried to bribe his way into this crooked cabal, and FAILED? Now you get to go prison, plus the whole world knows you got passed over in favor of pond scum like Ryan Zinke and Scott Pruitt. You’re the grifter equivalent of the one guy creepy enough to get socially rejected by an incel message board.
Good news, everyone! We get to fund another multi-billion-dollar bailout of the farmers that keep getting kidney-punched by the Adderall-Addled Assclown’s moronic trade war! If we’re good all year, maybe Santa will let us pay for another one next year! It’s interesting, don’tcha think, that when a hurricane ravages Hispanic communities, Sharty McFly whinges and moans about financing the recovery, but when his rockheaded blunders hurt those he perceives as his base, he gets to reach into every American taxpayer’s pocket to fund the resulting bribe?
And not only do we get to foot the bill for Le Grande Merde’s entirely avoidable mistakes, we’re also on the hook for his leisure activities, yay! And lucky us, we finally got to see the moment when the grift odometer rolled over to $100 million in golf trip charges, much of which lands right in his greedy little pocket. What Congress should do is offer him $100 million for his Big Dumb Wall on the condition he stays in Washington every weekend for the rest of his term…and watch him reject it.
Surely no one is more thankful for the misguided self-righteousness of Rust Belt third-party voters than murderous autocrat Mohammad Bin Salman Al Saud, who has certainly enjoyed having his very own pet American President these past two years. Not only has Tangerine Idi Amin vetoed a bipartisan bill to end America’s support of Saudi Arabia’s genocidal war in Yemen, but now he’s found a loophole to slither through so he can sell the Saudis even more exciting new weapons to murder children with. Shit, he’s probably ordering the Pentagon to develop state of the art journalist-dismembering technology to deliver to his thuggish paymaster.
Oh hey, speaking of dead kids and American-government-sponsored terrorism, the number of migrant children who have died in custody keeps growing. In fairness, the most recent one we’ve learned of seems to have actually died last fall, they’ve just been covering it up till now. I bet Stephen Miller leaked it, because it doesn’t work as terrorism if nobody knows about it.
There had been an impasse between Congress and the Shart House on a disaster relief bill; President Dumpster Behind a Liposuction Clinic had both objected to $900 million in funding for Puerto Rico, and demanded billions for his Big Stupid Wall. As a compromise, he accepted every bit of the Puerto Rico funding in exchange for exactly zero wall dollars, because as bad as he is at most aspects of his job, it is in the realm of negotiation* where he demonstrates his greatest incompetence.
Over in the House, the bill, which needed unanimous consent to pass, got held up by a single GOP Congresstwerp, some Civil-War-reenactor-looking motherfucker actually named “Chip Roy.” You may recall Cap’s 39th Theory of Republicans; the first time you hear one of those interchangeable, mediocre, conservative backbencher’s names, it’s because he’s fucking something up.** Anyhow, sorry, suffering Americans, Chip Roy has unilaterally decided you deserve to go a few more days without your disaster relief.
Given the prompt, “hey, I know that ‘understanding the law’ isn’t really your ‘thing,’ but treason is punishable by death, anyway now let’s play Fuck/Marry/Execute with the law enforcement community,” Toupee Fiasco, with disturbing nonchalance, rattled off the names of several FBI officials involved in the Russia investigation, as people he would like to have murdered for betraying him. First of all, fuck you for trying to conflate yourself with the state, you bloated old bastard. If America wore golf pants, she’d sure as shit pull ‘em off better than you do. Second, allowing traitors to prosecute those investigating their own treason for treason seems unwise.
Now that Malodorous Cat Neglector Julian Assange is out of the Ecuadorian embassy, the whole world is competing to see who gets to throw him in deepest darkest dungeon forever. While the United States had already announced one slate of perfectly sensible charges, of course the Treasonweasel Administration had to throw an authoritarian assault on press freedoms on the fire, ruining everyone’s s’mores by making them fascist. So a spat between two of the most despicable men on Earth has devolved into an existential threat to the first amendment, because that’s how shit goes down, here in HELL.
After years of obstructing all the justice he could wrap his tiny, inadequate, hands around, the Marmalade Shartcannon sang a very different tune when it came to his dictatorial plan to investigate his investigators. He’s given William Barr All the Power to Declassify Everything Everywhere and Also Just Flat Out Make Shit Up Just Kidding But Not Really Wink Wink. Pretty much everyone in America has been ordered to cooperate with his utterly corrupt misappropriation of the apparatus of power; in fact, YOU, dear reader, have just been ordered by SHARTUS to drop everything and head over to James Comey’s house to go through his trash.
Theresa May finally announced her resignation, and if this starts some hip new trend where incompetent, nation-wrecking, buffoons go away forever, I’m all for it. All the cool kids are doing it, Donnie!
Oh, and Pumpkin Spice Pol Pot authorized another 1,500 troops for the Middle East? Some may see this as dangerous escalation, but I think we’ll be ok, after all, the President is surrounded by well-informed advisors like Jared Kushner, and totally-non-bloodthirsty maniacs like John Bolton, what could possibly go wrong?
And CNN reports that Strawberry Shartcake’s staff doesn’t like tagging along with their scrotal tumor boss on international trips, cuz he gets all colicky and shit. Dang, I’m sorry you experience such discomfort while you’re FUCKING UP MY COUNTRY. I have some shit you can eat if that helps.
Dear lord, what a mess. I need a drink. And then nine more drinks. Just a heads up, with the long holiday weekend, the usual Monday night blog update will likely be pushed to Tuesday. I hope the holiday brings you joy and relaxation, you deserve it. I personally plan on spending it smuggling contraband DVDs of the Arthur gay wedding episode into Alabama. Do take a moment or two to reflect on all those who gave so much for this beautiful nation, because if we don’t pry it back from the mendacious mediocrities currently in power, the ghosts of those brave men and women are gonna haunt the shit out of us forever.
*Dare I say…the “art of the deal?”
**Don’t look that up. It was probably the 17th Theory or something the last time I brought it up. I don’t have an editor, I spend all my money on beer.