Hey gang, how is everybody? Good weekend? Everyone enjoying their time trapped in Dario Argento’s version of a Lewis Carroll story? If we just keep screaming, somebody’s bound to find us and let us out, right?

So, about four minutes after I posted my last blog, the Kompromat Kid rage-tweeted again about how the free press is the “enemy of the people,” and like clockwork, one of the dutiful drones of Cult45 phoned in another bomb threat to CNN. Isn’t it amazing how quickly we humans can adjust to even the largest changes in the world around us? Like, hey, nobody uses pay phones anymore, and also the President of the United States regularly incites violence against journalists, anyhow, what’s on Netflix?

So Jovial Jim Comey sat down for one last marathon interrogation before House Republicans begin their richly-deserved stint in the minority. They promised earth-shattering new revelations about Hillary Clinton’s e-mails, but as usual, it was just Gowdy Doody and friends blowing smock up our asses.

Today in What the Living Fuck, and this one’s really weird, folks…Ammon Bundy, uh…welcome…to the…Resistance? Is this like when one of the members of the gang switches sides and joins the good guys because he finally realizes how bad the bad guys are? You know, like on that old show Gunsmock?

Donnie Dotard and his ex-Secretary State, Low-T Rex Tillerson, are fighting, and I think it’s kinda sad, cuz after all, when they sling every insult in the book at one another, they’re really both right. Surely we can all come together as one people, united in the knowledge Trump and Tilly are BOTH stupid, lazy, taintfungi who have fucked up the world with their boneheaded incompetence. Kumbaya, everybody smock the pipe of peace.

I see somebody dug up an old video of VA Secretary Robert Wilkie praising Jefferson frickin’ Davis as a “martyr to ‘The Lost Cause.’” In more ordinary times, this would have been a scandal of substantial note, but with this administration, praising a racist traitor/loser will probably get you invited to the President’s house for Xmas. 

Well, looks like we won’t have John Kelly to kick around anymore. Like all the treason-enabling sycophants before him, from Reince to the Mooch to Price to Sessions, he has received his just reward, a shredded reputation and a golf shoe up the ass. The media desperately tried to paint General Kelly as some sort of adult-in-the-room savior, but he was never anything but Government Cheese Goebbels’ equally-racist sidekick. Bye, John, I wish you tooth decay and shingles, may you never avoid a single pile of sidewalk dog turds, you un-American fraud.

But now Weehands McNodick can’t fill the job! He was all set to poach Mike Pants’ own megashady CoS, but that guy couldn’t help but notice the desk is located on a bed of quicksand, so now he’s fleeing the government altogether. And basically every Republican in the country is making it known they won’t accept the post. Odd, that nobody’s volunteering for a gig that comes with perks like “guaranteed massive legal bills,” and “changing the President’s diaper every time fresh news of the Mueller investigation breaks.”

Aw. Nobody wants to work for Shart Garfunkel. And so he sits, shunned and alone in his office, crying the tears of a clown. Just like in that old Smocky Robinson song.

After months of insisting she’s not a spy, Smockin’ Hot Russian Maria Butina has decided she doesn’t particularly like being in jail, and has cut a plea deal, so now the story is yuh huh I sure am a Russian spy please let me out of prison I will tell you all kinds of shit about the NRA and how they do Daddy’s Vlad’s bidding and also Dana Loesch and Dan Bongino run a puppy mill on the weekends probably.

Forbes published a fun little exploration of the ways the Grand Wizard Grifter funnels his rube army’s donations directly into his own pocket. Don’t worry, kids…I’m sure he’ll get to work on bringing those Rust Belt manufacturing jobs back any day now! After he’s done golfing, of course. Anyway, nice job smocking out all those details, Forbes!

Faced with a mounting stack of evidence that Tangerine Idi Amin committed multiple felonies in pursuit of the Presidency, Republicans are taking a novel Yeah But So What approach to the latest revelations, a sharp reversal from the days of Hillary Clinton Should be in Prison for Something ANYTHING and if We Didn’t Find Any Crimes After Years of Investigations Let’s Just Fuckin’ Make it Illegal to Carry Hot Sauce in Your Purse, Okay?!?!?

Rand Paul actually suggested we’ve “over-criminalized” campaign finance violations, a theory he supported by pointing out that even now there are a significant number a elected officials who are not salaried employees of the Koch brothers.

Orrin Hatch, who has spent the last forty years of his professional life literally making laws, is now all, “The President’s a felon? I don’t care and you can’t make me nyah nyah nyah!” Gosh, I can’t wait until January, when Hatch is finally replaced by a steely-spined man of unshakable principle, Mitt RomnHAHAHHAHAHAHAH I can’t keep a straight face with that one.

And newly-minted House Minority Feral Cat Wrangler Kevin McCarthy helpfully suggested that the incoming Democratic majority shouldn’t bother investigating any of these silly ol’ crimes at all! Heh. Amusingly, it looks like the new McCarthyism is an inversion of the old; fabricating fake innocence in order to shield Americans who actually did collude with Russia.

…to think, these are the men who sit in smock-filled rooms and make the rules for the rest of us.

You almost have to be impressed with the brazenness of the election fraud that took place in NC-09, y’know? Looks as though “Pastor” Mark Harris’ campaign even collected blank ballots and filled them in as votes for their guy. They didn’t really win this election, folks…it was all just smock and mirrors.

I think something wacky is going on with Brexit? Let’s be honest, if it’s British, but it’s not part of an Emma Thompson movie, I’m not gonna play particularly close attention. Anyhow, there seems to be some sort of controversy over a toy sword?

So, America and her new best budz, Saudi Arabia and Russia, held hands and shit on a United Nations climate report, because we’re the bad guys now. Hey, when do we get together with the rest of the Axis of Assclowns and divvy up Poland?

Well, the troops deployed at the southern border at great taxpayer expense for no discernible reason are starting to come home at long last. Tragically, they failed in their mission, which was to stave of the Blue Tsunami and protect President Crotchrot from congressional oversight. Truly, this was Trump’s Vietnam.

Corsi-Klayman Overdrive is coming to your town, and they’re gonna rock your goddamn face off! Yes, the InfoWars loon and his famous-for-failing-all-time “lawyer” are suing Bodacious Bob Mueller and a bunch of law enforcement agencies for $350 million, for blackmail and defamation and making Roger Stone mad at him. Me, I can’t wait to see this dipshit’s dreams of a fat payout go…you know I’m gonna say it…up in smock.

A few years ago, Bill Clinton and Loretta Lynch committed the Worst Crime in All Human History, the notorious TARMAC MEETING.

(Pause inserted to allow the reader to chant LOCK HIM/HER/THEM UP for whatever duration the reader feels is appropriate.)

So naturally, when Acting Attorney General/Fraudulent Hot Tub SpokesGoon Matt Whitaker took an entire plane trip with Jared Kusher, the President’s son-in-law and a potential target of DoJ investigations in his own right, the scandal was front-page news, and Whitaker was promptly disciplined, and then a unicorn jumped out of my ass and flew to the moon with Elvis on its back.

And Holy Smocks, it’s time for the Last Ride of the Freedom Caucus! They’re backing up Boss Turdworm’s plan to shut down the government over the Big Stupid Wall Nobody Wants, so we may just get a little extra insanity in our stockings this year!

Anyway, that’s all I got. You guys don’t know how close you came to getting a think piece on Why Harold Baines Doesn’t Belong in the Baseball Hall of Fame tonight. Close, but no cigar. Get it? GET IT?