Mike Pence is the Patron Saint of Mediocre White Dudes, and the Roman God of Failing Upwards.
A Democrat in his youth, Pence, like many men of limited intelligence, turned to religious conservatism for the convenience of being able to end arguments by claiming God shares his every fear and prejudice, while forgiving his every shortcoming, how convenient.
Secretary of State
Over the course of three decades, Rex Tillerson fucked, bribed, and murdered his way to the top of Exxon Mobil, like some sort of jowlsy Eva Peron.
Secretary of the Treasury
Steve Mnuchin, like his namesake, the Noise You Make When You’re Dry Heaving After Getting Food Poisoning From Eating Truck Stop Gas Station Roller Hot Pockets on a Road Trip, is deeply unpleasant, and may result in the involuntary voiding of foul-smelling bodily fluids.
Secretary of Defense
Chief of Staff
National Security Advisor
Holy shit, there are Generals all over the place these days, aren’t there?
Retired General James Mattis serves as Secretary of Defense. Retired General John Kelly ran Homeland Security for a bit, before becoming the Lead Executive Branch Babysitter, excuse me, Chief of Staff. H.R. McMaster’s the National Security Advisor, and hell, he’s still on active duty.
Jefferson Beauregard Sessions, third generation of his family to carry the name of a Confedarate piece of trash and also a second Confederate piece of trash, is living his dream. As Velveeta Goebbels’ Attorney General, he’s turning back the clock to a time when women and minorities knew their place, and mediocre white dudes like himself got to run everything, even if they weren’t especially bright.
Ryan Zinke is like if the crappiest robot in Westworld escaped and jumped into conservative politics. He’s such a cartoon cowboy, I bet his right boot says “Andy” on the bottom.
Secretary of Commerce
When a witch’s curse transformed his master into a Beast and his fellow servants into household objects, Wilbur Ross became a decorative garden gnome. Unlike the rest of his compatriots, he ventured out into the world to make his fortune in the realm of shady international finance and money laundering, and when True Love’s Kiss lifted the curse, Wilbur was too far away for the enchantment to reverse, and thus he remains trapped in gnome form forever.
Secretary of Health and Human Services
If the Hippocratic Oath is binding in any sort of spiritual sense, Tom Price is royally fucked, y’all. There is some straight Dante shit awaitin’ him in the afterlife.
Secretary of Housing and Urban Development
Dr. Ben Carson is only in politics because he was rude President Obama to his face. At the 2013 National Prayer Breakfast, a traditionally non-political event, Dr. Ben, having been invited as the keynote speaker, decided to use his time to shit on the President and his policies.
Secretary of Education
Betsy DeVos is what happens when bored white ladies have enough money to really fuck shit up. Turns out, if you’re born rich and marry richer, you don’t have to settle for a book club, you can buy yourself a whole cabinet department!
Administrator of the EPA
Scott Pruitt, like a lot of boys his age, grew up watching Captain Planet cartoons. Unlike most boys his age, he decided that the various sludge-smog-and-toxic-waste-slinging villains were the role models for him.
Ok, fine. Pruitt is ten years too old to have grown up on Captain Planet, but fuck you, that’s a good opening paragraph. Make your own fucking website, you don’t like it.
Chief of Staff
Nobody wants to be Reince Priebus when they grow up. He’s just so immediately recognizable as a weaselly little tapeworm of a man, y’know?
Reince Priebus is the sort of person who would be played by Brad Dourif in a film.
Steve Bannon played Bob Ewell in a high school production of To Kill a Mockingbird, and liked it so much he decided to stay in the character for the rest of his life.
A self-described Leninist, and an outspoken populist*, Bannon wants to kidney-punch the administrative state, give it a wedgie, and steal its lunch money.
Jared Kushner was born on third base and thinks he invented baseball.
Jared’s dad, Charles Kushner, went to jail for tax evasion, illegal campaign donations, and, ahem, “witness tampering,” by which I mean he set his brother-in-law up with a hooker (not, I’m sad to report, of the Pissing Russian variety) and recorded their genital-smushing in order to blackmail him.
When you worked for Akin, things weren’t simple
Cuz he got caught on tape
With legitimate rape
Senior Advisor for Policy
Why is it always the shittiest imaginable white dudes who turn out to be white supremacists?
Stephen Miller, who started balding eleven seconds after his conception, has by all accounts been a sack of monkey shit pretty much every single minute of his life.
Director of Communications
Oh wow, this new Communications Director looks like a real character, huh?
Where to begin? Ok, Anthony Scaramucci first came to –
Wait, what? Really?
White Supremacist Multi-Tool
Kris Kobach is like the protagonist of the white supremacist version of one of those Disney movies where a kid learns to chase his dreams, no matter how big. The kid gets tired of the monotonous grind of burning crosses on just one lawn at a time, and dreams of burning a cross big enough for the whole dang country!
Maybe he has a talking/singing Confederate flag for a sidekick. Named “Bedford.”
Roving Freelance Fascist
As seen in the famed documentary RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK, when the Ark of the Covenant was opened on an uncharted island north of Crete, the burning light that issued thereof reduced the Nazi soldiers present to piles of ash and molten flesh. In time, the rains washed the fascist bio-goo into the island’s sewage system, where it mixed with the shit and piss and used tampons and such, and in time it congealed, took the shape of a man (albeit an unattractive one), slapped on a pair of glasses, and Sebastian Gorka was formed.
Speaker of the House
Paul Ryan was cloned from a single pubic hair plucked from Ayn Rand post-coitus and grown in a still in Charles Koch’s back yard.
Senate Majority Leader
Many years ago, Gamera was following the Grateful Dead on tour, and engaged in a brief-but-life-affirming affair with an Ohio River ‘gator that hung around Ma McConnell’s pig farm, picking off runts for sustenance. Nine months later, young Mitch emerged from a leathery egg, and devoured his fellow hatchlings, beginning his life-long love affair with hurting children.
Cap’s Monday Roundup: Where There’s Smock, There’s…I Dunno, Firp?
Hey gang, how is everybody? Good weekend? Everyone enjoying their time trapped in Dario Argento’s version of a Lewis Carroll story? If we just keep screaming, somebody’s bound to find us and let us out, right?
So, about four minutes after I posted my last blog, the Kompromat Kid rage-tweeted again about how the free press is the “enemy of the people,” and like clockwork, one of the dutiful drones of Cult45 phoned in another bomb threat to CNN. Isn’t it amazing how quickly we humans can adjust to even the largest changes in the world around us? Like, hey, nobody uses pay phones anymore, and also the President of the United States regularly incites violence against journalists, anyhow, what’s on Netflix?
So Jovial Jim Comey sat down for one last marathon interrogation before House Republicans begin their richly-deserved stint in the minority. They promised earth-shattering new revelations about Hillary Clinton’s e-mails, but as usual, it was just Gowdy Doody and friends blowing smock up our asses.
Today in What the Living Fuck, and this one’s really weird, folks…Ammon Bundy, uh…welcome…to the…Resistance? Is this like when one of the members of the gang switches sides and joins the good guys because he finally realizes how bad the bad guys are? You know, like on that old show Gunsmock?
Donnie Dotard and his ex-Secretary State, Low-T Rex Tillerson, are fighting, and I think it’s kinda sad, cuz after all, when they sling every insult in the book at one another, they’re really both right. Surely we can all come together as one people, united in the knowledge Trump and Tilly are BOTH stupid, lazy, taintfungi who have fucked up the world with their boneheaded incompetence. Kumbaya, everybody smock the pipe of peace.
I see somebody dug up an old video of VA Secretary Robert Wilkie praising Jefferson frickin’ Davis as a “martyr to ‘The Lost Cause.’” In more ordinary times, this would have been a scandal of substantial note, but with this administration, praising a racist traitor/loser will probably get you invited to the President’s house for Xmas.
Well, looks like we won’t have John Kelly to kick around anymore. Like all the treason-enabling sycophants before him, from Reince to the Mooch to Price to Sessions, he has received his just reward, a shredded reputation and a golf shoe up the ass. The media desperately tried to paint General Kelly as some sort of adult-in-the-room savior, but he was never anything but Government Cheese Goebbels’ equally-racist sidekick. Bye, John, I wish you tooth decay and shingles, may you never avoid a single pile of sidewalk dog turds, you un-American fraud.
But now Weehands McNodick can’t fill the job! He was all set to poach Mike Pants’ own megashady CoS, but that guy couldn’t help but notice the desk is located on a bed of quicksand, so now he’s fleeing the government altogether. And basically every Republican in the country is making it known they won’t accept the post. Odd, that nobody’s volunteering for a gig that comes with perks like “guaranteed massive legal bills,” and “changing the President’s diaper every time fresh news of the Mueller investigation breaks.”
Aw. Nobody wants to work for Shart Garfunkel. And so he sits, shunned and alone in his office, crying the tears of a clown. Just like in that old Smocky Robinson song.
After months of insisting she’s not a spy, Smockin’ Hot Russian Maria Butina has decided she doesn’t particularly like being in jail, and has cut a plea deal, so now the story is yuh huh I sure am a Russian spy please let me out of prison I will tell you all kinds of shit about the NRA and how they do Daddy’s Vlad’s bidding and also Dana Loesch and Dan Bongino run a puppy mill on the weekends probably.
Forbes published a fun little exploration of the ways the Grand Wizard Grifter funnels his rube army’s donations directly into his own pocket. Don’t worry, kids…I’m sure he’ll get to work on bringing those Rust Belt manufacturing jobs back any day now! After he’s done golfing, of course. Anyway, nice job smocking out all those details, Forbes!
Faced with a mounting stack of evidence that Tangerine Idi Amin committed multiple felonies in pursuit of the Presidency, Republicans are taking a novel Yeah But So What approach to the latest revelations, a sharp reversal from the days of Hillary Clinton Should be in Prison for Something ANYTHING and if We Didn’t Find Any Crimes After Years of Investigations Let’s Just Fuckin’ Make it Illegal to Carry Hot Sauce in Your Purse, Okay?!?!?
Rand Paul actually suggested we’ve “over-criminalized” campaign finance violations, a theory he supported by pointing out that even now there are a significant number a elected officials who are not salaried employees of the Koch brothers.
Orrin Hatch, who has spent the last forty years of his professional life literally making laws, is now all, “The President’s a felon? I don’t care and you can’t make me nyah nyah nyah!” Gosh, I can’t wait until January, when Hatch is finally replaced by a steely-spined man of unshakable principle, Mitt RomnHAHAHHAHAHAHAH I can’t keep a straight face with that one.
And newly-minted House Minority Feral Cat Wrangler Kevin McCarthy helpfully suggested that the incoming Democratic majority shouldn’t bother investigating any of these silly ol’ crimes at all! Heh. Amusingly, it looks like the new McCarthyism is an inversion of the old; fabricating fake innocence in order to shield Americans who actually did collude with Russia.
…to think, these are the men who sit in smock-filled rooms and make the rules for the rest of us.
You almost have to be impressed with the brazenness of the election fraud that took place in NC-09, y’know? Looks as though “Pastor” Mark Harris’ campaign even collected blank ballots and filled them in as votes for their guy. They didn’t really win this election, folks…it was all just smock and mirrors.
I think something wacky is going on with Brexit? Let’s be honest, if it’s British, but it’s not part of an Emma Thompson movie, I’m not gonna play particularly close attention. Anyhow, there seems to be some sort of controversy over a toy sword?
So, America and her new best budz, Saudi Arabia and Russia, held hands and shit on a United Nations climate report, because we’re the bad guys now. Hey, when do we get together with the rest of the Axis of Assclowns and divvy up Poland?
Well, the troops deployed at the southern border at great taxpayer expense for no discernible reason are starting to come home at long last. Tragically, they failed in their mission, which was to stave of the Blue Tsunami and protect President Crotchrot from congressional oversight. Truly, this was Trump’s Vietnam.
Corsi-Klayman Overdrive is coming to your town, and they’re gonna rock your goddamn face off! Yes, the InfoWars loon and his famous-for-failing-all-time “lawyer” are suing Bodacious Bob Mueller and a bunch of law enforcement agencies for $350 million, for blackmail and defamation and making Roger Stone mad at him. Me, I can’t wait to see this dipshit’s dreams of a fat payout go…you know I’m gonna say it…up in smock.
A few years ago, Bill Clinton and Loretta Lynch committed the Worst Crime in All Human History, the notorious TARMAC MEETING.
(Pause inserted to allow the reader to chant LOCK HIM/HER/THEM UP for whatever duration the reader feels is appropriate.)
So naturally, when Acting Attorney General/Fraudulent Hot Tub SpokesGoon Matt Whitaker took an entire plane trip with Jared Kusher, the President’s son-in-law and a potential target of DoJ investigations in his own right, the scandal was front-page news, and Whitaker was promptly disciplined, and then a unicorn jumped out of my ass and flew to the moon with Elvis on its back.
And Holy Smocks, it’s time for the Last Ride of the Freedom Caucus! They’re backing up Boss Turdworm’s plan to shut down the government over the Big Stupid Wall Nobody Wants, so we may just get a little extra insanity in our stockings this year!
Anyway, that’s all I got. You guys don’t know how close you came to getting a think piece on Why Harold Baines Doesn’t Belong in the Baseball Hall of Fame tonight. Close, but no cigar. Get it? GET IT?