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NUMBER TWO

NUMBER TWO

Vice-President

Mike Pence is the Patron Saint of Mediocre White Dudes, and the Roman God of Failing Upwards.

A Democrat in his youth, Pence, like many men of limited intelligence, turned to religious conservatism for the convenience of being able to end arguments by claiming God shares his every fear and prejudice, while forgiving his every shortcoming, how convenient.

UNSEXY REXY

UNSEXY REXY

Secretary of State

Over the course of three decades, Rex Tillerson fucked, bribed, and murdered his way to the top of Exxon Mobil, like some sort of jowlsy Eva Peron.

MNUCHBAG

MNUCHBAG

Secretary of the Treasury

Steve Mnuchin, like his namesake, the Noise You Make When You’re Dry Heaving After Getting Food Poisoning From Eating Truck Stop Gas Station Roller Hot Pockets on a Road Trip, is deeply unpleasant, and may result in the involuntary voiding of foul-smelling bodily fluids.

THE GENERALS

THE GENERALS

Secretary of Defense
Chief of Staff
National Security Advisor

Holy shit, there are Generals all over the place these days, aren’t there?

Retired General James Mattis serves as Secretary of Defense. Retired General John Kelly ran Homeland Security for a bit, before becoming the Lead Executive Branch Babysitter, excuse me, Chief of Staff. H.R. McMaster’s the National Security Advisor, and hell, he’s still on active duty.

OL’ BEAUREGARD The President's Loyal Huntin' Dawg

OL’ BEAUREGARD The President's Loyal Huntin' Dawg

Attorney General

Jefferson Beauregard Sessions, third generation of his family to carry the name of a Confedarate piece of trash and also a second Confederate piece of trash, is living his dream. As Velveeta Goebbels’ Attorney General, he’s turning back the clock to a time when women and minorities knew their place, and mediocre white dudes like himself got to run everything, even if they weren’t especially bright.

ZINKE BOOTZ

ZINKE BOOTZ

Ryan Zinke is like if the crappiest robot in Westworld escaped and jumped into conservative politics. He’s such a cartoon cowboy, I bet his right boot says “Andy” on the bottom.

WIL-BUR, THE GNOME KING

WIL-BUR, THE GNOME KING

Secretary of Commerce

When a witch’s curse transformed his master into a Beast and his fellow servants into household objects, Wilbur Ross became a decorative garden gnome. Unlike the rest of his compatriots, he ventured out into the world to make his fortune in the realm of shady international finance and money laundering, and when True Love’s Kiss lifted the curse, Wilbur was too far away for the enchantment to reverse, and thus he remains trapped in gnome form forever.

PLAGUEMASTER T

PLAGUEMASTER T

Secretary of Health and Human Services

If the Hippocratic Oath is binding in any sort of spiritual sense, Tom Price is royally fucked, y’all. There is some straight Dante shit awaitin’ him in the afterlife.

DOCTOR NAPTIME

DOCTOR NAPTIME

Secretary of Housing and Urban Development

Dr. Ben Carson is only in politics because he was rude President Obama to his face. At the 2013 National Prayer Breakfast, a traditionally non-political event, Dr. Ben, having been invited as the keynote speaker, decided to use his time to shit on the President and his policies.

THE DEVOSTATOR

THE DEVOSTATOR

Secretary of Education

Betsy DeVos is what happens when bored white ladies have enough money to really fuck shit up. Turns out, if you’re born rich and marry richer, you don’t have to settle for a book club, you can buy yourself a whole cabinet department!

SCOTTY 2 HAUGHTY

SCOTTY 2 HAUGHTY

Administrator of the EPA

Scott Pruitt, like a lot of boys his age, grew up watching Captain Planet cartoons. Unlike most boys his age, he decided that the various sludge-smog-and-toxic-waste-slinging villains were the role models for him.

Ok, fine. Pruitt is ten years too old to have grown up on Captain Planet, but fuck you, that’s a good opening paragraph. Make your own fucking website, you don’t like it.

PUBIS

PUBIS

Chief of Staff

Nobody wants to be Reince Priebus when they grow up. He’s just so immediately recognizable as a weaselly little tapeworm of a man, y’know?

Reince Priebus is the sort of person who would be played by Brad Dourif in a film.

DARTH WINO

DARTH WINO

Chief Strategist

Steve Bannon played Bob Ewell in a high school production of To Kill a Mockingbird, and liked it so much he decided to stay in the character for the rest of his life.

A self-described Leninist, and an outspoken populist*, Bannon wants to kidney-punch the administrative state, give it a wedgie, and steal its lunch money.

JAR-JAR

JAR-JAR

Senior Advisor/Son-in-Law

Jared Kushner was born on third base and thinks he invented baseball.

Jared’s dad, Charles Kushner, went to jail for tax evasion, illegal campaign donations, and, ahem, “witness tampering,” by which I mean he set his brother-in-law up with a hooker (not, I’m sad to report, of the Pissing Russian variety) and recorded their genital-smushing in order to blackmail him.

HEY, KELLYANNE!

HEY, KELLYANNE!

Senior Counsel

Hey, Kellyaaaaaaaaaaaanne!
Hey, Kellyaaaaaaaaaaaanne!

When you worked for Akin, things weren’t simple
Cuz he got caught on tape
With legitimate rape

4-HEDD THE SHITTY WHITE GUY FROM BEYOND THE STARS

4-HEDD THE SHITTY WHITE GUY FROM BEYOND THE STARS

Senior Advisor for Policy

Why is it always the shittiest imaginable white dudes who turn out to be white supremacists?

Stephen Miller, who started balding eleven seconds after his conception, has by all accounts been a sack of monkey shit pretty much every single minute of his life.

THE MOOCH

THE MOOCH

Director of Communications

Oh wow, this new Communications Director looks like a real character, huh?

Where to begin? Ok, Anthony Scaramucci first came to –

Wait, what? Really?

KKKRIS KKKOBACH

KKKRIS KKKOBACH

White Supremacist Multi-Tool

Kris Kobach is like the protagonist of the white supremacist version of one of those Disney movies where a kid learns to chase his dreams, no matter how big. The kid gets tired of the monotonous grind of burning crosses on just one lawn at a time, and dreams of burning a cross big enough for the whole dang country!

Maybe he has a talking/singing Confederate flag for a sidekick. Named “Bedford.”

“DOC” GORKA

“DOC” GORKA

Roving Freelance Fascist

As seen in the famed documentary RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK, when the Ark of the Covenant was opened on an uncharted island north of Crete, the burning light that issued thereof reduced the Nazi soldiers present to piles of ash and molten flesh. In time, the rains washed the fascist bio-goo into the island’s sewage system, where it mixed with the shit and piss and used tampons and such, and in time it congealed, took the shape of a man (albeit an unattractive one), slapped on a pair of glasses, and Sebastian Gorka was formed.

ATLAS CRAPPED

ATLAS CRAPPED

Speaker of the House

Paul Ryan was cloned from a single pubic hair plucked from Ayn Rand post-coitus and grown in a still in Charles Koch’s back yard.

YERTLE

YERTLE

Senate Majority Leader

Many years ago, Gamera was following the Grateful Dead on tour, and engaged in a brief-but-life-affirming affair with an Ohio River ‘gator that hung around Ma McConnell’s pig farm, picking off runts for sustenance. Nine months later, young Mitch emerged from a leathery egg, and devoured his fellow hatchlings, beginning his life-long love affair with hurting children.

Chuck Todd Thinks the Defense of American Democracy Needs More Cowbell, Cleavage

Thursday, July 25th, 2019

 

Yeah, things remain shitty, here in the Inception sequel where we break into David Duke’s mind to…wait, what? This is real life? Fuck. You mean Rutger Hauer really died?

Since his Big Stupid Trade War isn’t pushing Americans into despair and poverty quick enough for his liking, President Liposuction Clinic Dumpster proposed a new rule that would kick more than 3 million people off food stamps. Look, America’s not gonna be truly great again until our children are fighting each other in the streets over vending machine candy, and I think we need to be adult enough to recognize that.

We enjoy a lot of rights as U.S. citizens, but it turns out the right to not be locked up for more than three weeks, without access to showers or adequate food, is a little less inalienable than your grade school history textbooks led you to believe. For extra oh-it-can’t-happen-here-can-it fun, you can even literally be carrying documents proving your citizenship, and law enforcement can just go “whatever, that’s fake” for no reason beyond a whim and the adrenaline rush of power, and throw you into an American concentration camp anyway.

Anyway, don’t worry about it. It couldn’t possibly happen to YOU, right?

Oh, and a 44-year-old Mexican man died in ICE custody, too. Are we even gonna bother trying to make Republicans care about dead adults? Like, baby steps, first we agree that migrant children are people, and we build from there? What we really need is some sort of conference of evangelical “pastors” to determine the precise age (and skin tone) at which a human being becomes fair game for torture. Just for clarity’s sake.

FBI Director Christopher Wray says the bureau has arrested 100 white supremacist domestic terrorists, or would-be terrorists, in just the past 9 months. 100. Wow. Personally, I think Wray should try for one more, and make a coat.

You could point to any of the innumerable failures of the Shart Administration, from health care to the still-not-built-no-matter-how-hard-you-lie-about-it wall to the humiliating midterm blowout, and conclude that Orange Julius Caesar isn’t good at anything, but that would be unfair! In the field of stochastic terrorism, he’s a goddamn innovator. Take for example Cesar Sayoc, who shoved his head so far up the Fux Nooz propaganda machine’s ass*, he sent 16 mail bombs out to those he perceived as his Turd Emperor’s enemies. By the way, I almost skipped this one because I assumed at first it was the OTHER guy this week who wanted to kill for Trump.

So I guess Boris Johnson is new King of England or something? I don’t pay a lot of attention to shit over there, since Morrissey went crazy. Wait, I think I have that wrong, I guess he’s the Prime Minister of the United Kingston, at least according the Princess Ivanka. It’s that kind of attention to detail that keeps me up at night, wondering if a typo on a birthday card might not set off WWIII.

Larry Kudlow practically had a fainting spell over the dastardly incivility of the reporter who confronted him about his dirtbag boss’ latest lie, because “the president doesn’t make things up.” Heh. John Barron was unavailable for comment.

Hey, I bet you chumps probably thought Bob Mueller’s testimony before the House Intelligence and Judiciary Committees was about some shit like “uncovering the truth about the Trump cabal’s crimes” or “protecting the United States from ongoing attacks by a hostile foreign power.” BOY ARE YOU DUMB. It was actually an audition for a new American Idol spinoff, So You Think You Can Defend the Nation From Election Interference.

God knows Chuck Todd saw the whole thing as an opportunity to snack on some Milk Duds (which frankly should be considered cannibalism) and offer his vapid little thoughts on the OPTICS. “Well golly, Mueller sure did lay out a whole bunch of treasonous crimes, but couldn’t he have flashed a little leg or somethin’? Just to jazz things up a bit?” Substance? I’m sorry, sir, we don’t have THAT here.

That’s the REAL problem, y’see. Rugged Robert wasn’t telegenic enough. When congressional Democrats asked him if the President obstructed justice, he shoulda gone, “Well, he sure didn’t obstruct your mom last night!” with a roguish grin. Couldn’t even muster an “I’m getting too old for this shit,” and that woulda gotten a huge laugh! Just boring ol’ “The President accepted help from Russia during the 2016 election and lied to cover it up.” GEEZ IT’S LIKE A BLACK AND WHITE FILM. WITH SUBTITLES, EVEN.

Weirdly, nobody’s discussing the “optics” of Bachmann-eyed loons like Devin “Pigfucker” Nunes, Matt Gaetz, Gym Jordan, and Louie Gohmert, vomiting up whatever conspiracy theories they read on the bathroom walls at Alex Jones’ house. When did we all agree on a standard where any effort that fails to convert the most deeply brainwashed drone on Allen West’s mailing list constitutes disaster? As the great Bill Hicks would say, I must’ve missed that meeting.

Naturally, when Senate Republicans hear, “hey, just as a heads-up, the Russians are still interfering in our elections, right this very minute actually, even as Marco Rubio is selecting the next Bible verse he doesn’t live by to tweet,” from someone who absolutely knows what he’s talking about, their immediately response is to…block some election security bills! And that’s even as their own Intelligence Committee released a report detailing more-widespread-than-initially-thought fuckery. Can I just say, it kinda sucks having fifth columnists in charge of this shit.

You sort of have to wonder what Mitch McConnell”s limit might be. Would he helpfully hold Elizabeth Warren’s lunchbox open while a Russian agent seasoned her pastrami with a dash of polonium-210? So long as there’s a case of shell wax and a few federal judgeships in it for him, I don’t imagine he’d think twice.

Projecting confidence at his Total Exoneration™️, the Velveeta Vulgarina shit his pants on the South Lawn, screeching “YOU ARE FAKE NEWS” at any reporter and/or lawn gnome in the immediate vicinity. Chuck Todd assured us the optics of the American President melting down like a spoiled child who didn’t get the Happy Meal toy he wanted are terrible…for Democrats.

And the Marmalade Shartcannon vetoed three bills designed to force him to stop selling weapons to the Saudis for use in their genocidal war on their southern neighbor. Look, our president holds very few sincere political positions, and maybe he can’t be bothered to learn how NATO, or health insurance, or umbrellas, work, but starving and slaughtering Yemeni children is obviously very important to him, and I think we should respect that.

Despite his awesome, limitless, Article 2 might, Hairplug Himmler lost in court again, this time over his attempt to completely ignore asylum law, like it’s a Pookah or some shit. The administration is expected to appeal, on the grounds that No You Don’t Understand, We Really Really Really Hate Brown People.

Speaking of court defeats, another judge ruled the Grand Wizard Grifter and his shitty kids must face a lawsuit relating to…wait, is this a brand new swindle? How’d I miss this one? Or did I? Have I actually written paragraph upon paragraph about this particular scam, and completely lost track of it in the fog of sexual assault allegations and thinly-veiled calls to violence? Trying to keep track of this cheap crook’s many, many, crimes is like trying to vacuum up cat hair; you’re never gonna get it all.

Wow, did you see where Little Donnie Two-Scoops spoke in front of a fake presidential seal, with golf clubs and a double-headed Russian eagle? Oh man, I laughed so hard I forgot about the kids in concentration camps for like, 1/10th of a second.

As if there isn’t enough tragedy to process these days, I guess Cousin-Fucking Insect Shield Rudy Giuliani is having financial problems in the wake of his latest divorce? HOW MANY TIMES CAN ONE HEART BREAK, GOD?

Facing plummeting approval ratings and a popular challenger, Susan Collins is suddenly teasing that she may not run at all in 2020, denying the good people of Maine their richly-deserved opportunity to fire her over her decision to make the Supreme Court all gross n’ Kavanaughty. Dammit Senator, I already bought the bottle I’m planning on opening the moment they call your race for Sara Gideon, you fucking owe me this!

There’s a whole lotta economic anxiety in our poor, divided, nation these days, from the trio of heavily-armed Ole Miss students posing in front of the shot-to-hell Emmett Till memorial, to the jewel of white womanhood who simply had no other choice but to puke up some hate speech in a total stranger’s lap. She was forced, forced I say! Ne’er have I seen such economic anxiety.

And massive protests in Puerto Rico forced the resignation of Governor Ricardo Rosselló. So um, if anybody from that movement feels like giving, I dunno, lessons, or seminars, on ousting corrupt chief executives, I think there would be a market for that.

The Clinton Murder Machine failed in their attempted assassination of Jeffrey Epstein, probably because Hillary has some sort of debilitating old lady disease. See, sometimes you have to mash up your batshit right wing conspiracy theories, like, why can’t it be lizard people running the child sex slavery ring pizza shop? (I know it’s well within your power, dear reader, to link me to some godforsaken message board where thousands of people do, in fact, believe just that…I humbly request that you spare me, it’s been a long week.)

Look out, y’all, Redactor General William Barr is gettin’ the federal government back into the state-sponsored homicide business! I’m starting to think Bronco Billy has actually been waiting his whole life for an immoral authoritarian goon to serve, and I’m not particularly eager to see what other horrors he’s got on his Xmas list.

And would-be Treasury Department Spokesdemon Monica Crowley, in addition to being a plagiarizing imbecile, turns out to have a lengthy history of writing paranoid, squirrel poop nutty, Obama-is-a-Muslim-and-probably-eats-babies-too blather, and in any normal administration, her appointment would now be withdrawn in shame, but I’m sure this news only serves to land her on the shortlist to replace Mike Pence.

Well, I think that just about covers it. If you don’t need me for anything else, I’ll just wander off and scream into a pillow for, oh, about seven hours or so. Enjoy your weekend, but please keep our brave infantroopen in your thoughts.

*Obviously, you’ll have to visualize a machine with an ass here. You’re imaginative, so I trust you. Maybe it even has two asses.

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NUMBER TWO

NUMBER TWO

Vice-President

Mike Pence is the Patron Saint of Mediocre White Dudes, and the Roman God of Failing Upwards.

A Democrat in his youth, Pence, like many men of limited intelligence, turned to religious conservatism for the convenience of being able to end arguments by claiming God shares his every fear and prejudice, while forgiving his every shortcoming, how convenient.

UNSEXY REXY

UNSEXY REXY

Secretary of State

Over the course of three decades, Rex Tillerson fucked, bribed, and murdered his way to the top of Exxon Mobil, like some sort of jowlsy Eva Peron.

MNUCHBAG

MNUCHBAG

Secretary of the Treasury

Steve Mnuchin, like his namesake, the Noise You Make When You’re Dry Heaving After Getting Food Poisoning From Eating Truck Stop Gas Station Roller Hot Pockets on a Road Trip, is deeply unpleasant, and may result in the involuntary voiding of foul-smelling bodily fluids.

THE GENERALS

THE GENERALS

Secretary of Defense
Chief of Staff
National Security Advisor

Holy shit, there are Generals all over the place these days, aren’t there?

Retired General James Mattis serves as Secretary of Defense. Retired General John Kelly ran Homeland Security for a bit, before becoming the Lead Executive Branch Babysitter, excuse me, Chief of Staff. H.R. McMaster’s the National Security Advisor, and hell, he’s still on active duty.

OL’ BEAUREGARD The President's Loyal Huntin' Dawg

OL’ BEAUREGARD The President's Loyal Huntin' Dawg

Attorney General

Jefferson Beauregard Sessions, third generation of his family to carry the name of a Confedarate piece of trash and also a second Confederate piece of trash, is living his dream. As Velveeta Goebbels’ Attorney General, he’s turning back the clock to a time when women and minorities knew their place, and mediocre white dudes like himself got to run everything, even if they weren’t especially bright.

ZINKE BOOTZ

ZINKE BOOTZ

Ryan Zinke is like if the crappiest robot in Westworld escaped and jumped into conservative politics. He’s such a cartoon cowboy, I bet his right boot says “Andy” on the bottom.

WIL-BUR, THE GNOME KING

WIL-BUR, THE GNOME KING

Secretary of Commerce

When a witch’s curse transformed his master into a Beast and his fellow servants into household objects, Wilbur Ross became a decorative garden gnome. Unlike the rest of his compatriots, he ventured out into the world to make his fortune in the realm of shady international finance and money laundering, and when True Love’s Kiss lifted the curse, Wilbur was too far away for the enchantment to reverse, and thus he remains trapped in gnome form forever.

PLAGUEMASTER T

PLAGUEMASTER T

Secretary of Health and Human Services

If the Hippocratic Oath is binding in any sort of spiritual sense, Tom Price is royally fucked, y’all. There is some straight Dante shit awaitin’ him in the afterlife.

DOCTOR NAPTIME

DOCTOR NAPTIME

Secretary of Housing and Urban Development

Dr. Ben Carson is only in politics because he was rude President Obama to his face. At the 2013 National Prayer Breakfast, a traditionally non-political event, Dr. Ben, having been invited as the keynote speaker, decided to use his time to shit on the President and his policies.

THE DEVOSTATOR

THE DEVOSTATOR

Secretary of Education

Betsy DeVos is what happens when bored white ladies have enough money to really fuck shit up. Turns out, if you’re born rich and marry richer, you don’t have to settle for a book club, you can buy yourself a whole cabinet department!

SCOTTY 2 HAUGHTY

SCOTTY 2 HAUGHTY

Administrator of the EPA

Scott Pruitt, like a lot of boys his age, grew up watching Captain Planet cartoons. Unlike most boys his age, he decided that the various sludge-smog-and-toxic-waste-slinging villains were the role models for him.

Ok, fine. Pruitt is ten years too old to have grown up on Captain Planet, but fuck you, that’s a good opening paragraph. Make your own fucking website, you don’t like it.

PUBIS

PUBIS

Chief of Staff

Nobody wants to be Reince Priebus when they grow up. He’s just so immediately recognizable as a weaselly little tapeworm of a man, y’know?

Reince Priebus is the sort of person who would be played by Brad Dourif in a film.

DARTH WINO

DARTH WINO

Chief Strategist

Steve Bannon played Bob Ewell in a high school production of To Kill a Mockingbird, and liked it so much he decided to stay in the character for the rest of his life.

A self-described Leninist, and an outspoken populist*, Bannon wants to kidney-punch the administrative state, give it a wedgie, and steal its lunch money.

JAR-JAR

JAR-JAR

Senior Advisor/Son-in-Law

Jared Kushner was born on third base and thinks he invented baseball.

Jared’s dad, Charles Kushner, went to jail for tax evasion, illegal campaign donations, and, ahem, “witness tampering,” by which I mean he set his brother-in-law up with a hooker (not, I’m sad to report, of the Pissing Russian variety) and recorded their genital-smushing in order to blackmail him.

HEY, KELLYANNE!

HEY, KELLYANNE!

Senior Counsel

Hey, Kellyaaaaaaaaaaaanne!
Hey, Kellyaaaaaaaaaaaanne!

When you worked for Akin, things weren’t simple
Cuz he got caught on tape
With legitimate rape

4-HEDD THE SHITTY WHITE GUY FROM BEYOND THE STARS

4-HEDD THE SHITTY WHITE GUY FROM BEYOND THE STARS

Senior Advisor for Policy

Why is it always the shittiest imaginable white dudes who turn out to be white supremacists?

Stephen Miller, who started balding eleven seconds after his conception, has by all accounts been a sack of monkey shit pretty much every single minute of his life.

THE MOOCH

THE MOOCH

Director of Communications

Oh wow, this new Communications Director looks like a real character, huh?

Where to begin? Ok, Anthony Scaramucci first came to –

Wait, what? Really?

KKKRIS KKKOBACH

KKKRIS KKKOBACH

White Supremacist Multi-Tool

Kris Kobach is like the protagonist of the white supremacist version of one of those Disney movies where a kid learns to chase his dreams, no matter how big. The kid gets tired of the monotonous grind of burning crosses on just one lawn at a time, and dreams of burning a cross big enough for the whole dang country!

Maybe he has a talking/singing Confederate flag for a sidekick. Named “Bedford.”

“DOC” GORKA

“DOC” GORKA

Roving Freelance Fascist

As seen in the famed documentary RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK, when the Ark of the Covenant was opened on an uncharted island north of Crete, the burning light that issued thereof reduced the Nazi soldiers present to piles of ash and molten flesh. In time, the rains washed the fascist bio-goo into the island’s sewage system, where it mixed with the shit and piss and used tampons and such, and in time it congealed, took the shape of a man (albeit an unattractive one), slapped on a pair of glasses, and Sebastian Gorka was formed.

ATLAS CRAPPED

ATLAS CRAPPED

Speaker of the House

Paul Ryan was cloned from a single pubic hair plucked from Ayn Rand post-coitus and grown in a still in Charles Koch’s back yard.

YERTLE

YERTLE

Senate Majority Leader

Many years ago, Gamera was following the Grateful Dead on tour, and engaged in a brief-but-life-affirming affair with an Ohio River ‘gator that hung around Ma McConnell’s pig farm, picking off runts for sustenance. Nine months later, young Mitch emerged from a leathery egg, and devoured his fellow hatchlings, beginning his life-long love affair with hurting children.

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