Mike Pence is the Patron Saint of Mediocre White Dudes, and the Roman God of Failing Upwards.
A Democrat in his youth, Pence, like many men of limited intelligence, turned to religious conservatism for the convenience of being able to end arguments by claiming God shares his every fear and prejudice, while forgiving his every shortcoming, how convenient.
Secretary of State
Mike Pompeo is one of those performatively pious fake Christians who loves using his loudly-claimed-but-seldom-followed faith like a cudgel while ignoring every single word of the actual Bible, including “and” and “the.”
Secretary of State
Over the course of three decades, Rex Tillerson fucked, bribed, and murdered his way to the top of Exxon Mobil, like some sort of jowlsy Eva Peron.
William Barr actually taught me a valuable lesson. See, I didn’t look too closely at Bill when he was nominated to be Attorney General. After Jeff “Too Racist for the 80’s” Sessions and the masculine toilet guy, honestly, he looked like a nice, refreshing, safe, traditional Republican. An institutionalist who could bring a little much-needed stability.
And then he turned out to be a fascist, and one of the most dangerous enemies of democracy in American history. Whoops. My bad.
Secretary of the Treasury
Steve Mnuchin, like his namesake, the Noise You Make When You’re Dry Heaving After Getting Food Poisoning From Eating Truck Stop Gas Station Roller Hot Pockets on a Road Trip, is deeply unpleasant, and may result in the involuntary voiding of foul-smelling bodily fluids.
Secretary of Defense
Chief of Staff
National Security Advisor
Holy shit, there are Generals all over the place these days, aren’t there?
Retired General James Mattis serves as Secretary of Defense. Retired General John Kelly ran Homeland Security for a bit, before becoming the Lead Executive Branch Babysitter, excuse me, Chief of Staff. H.R. McMaster’s the National Security Advisor, and hell, he’s still on active duty.
Jefferson Beauregard Sessions, third generation of his family to carry the name of a Confedarate piece of trash and also a second Confederate piece of trash, is living his dream. As Velveeta Goebbels’ Attorney General, he’s turning back the clock to a time when women and minorities knew their place, and mediocre white dudes like himself got to run everything, even if they weren’t especially bright.
Ryan Zinke is like if the crappiest robot in Westworld escaped and jumped into conservative politics. He’s such a cartoon cowboy, I bet his right boot says “Andy” on the bottom.
Secretary of Commerce
When a witch’s curse transformed his master into a Beast and his fellow servants into household objects, Wilbur Ross became a decorative garden gnome. Unlike the rest of his compatriots, he ventured out into the world to make his fortune in the realm of shady international finance and money laundering, and when True Love’s Kiss lifted the curse, Wilbur was too far away for the enchantment to reverse, and thus he remains trapped in gnome form forever.
Secretary of Health and Human Services
If the Hippocratic Oath is binding in any sort of spiritual sense, Tom Price is royally fucked, y’all. There is some straight Dante shit awaitin’ him in the afterlife.
Secretary of Housing and Urban Development
Dr. Ben Carson is only in politics because he was rude President Obama to his face. At the 2013 National Prayer Breakfast, a traditionally non-political event, Dr. Ben, having been invited as the keynote speaker, decided to use his time to shit on the President and his policies.
Secretary of Education
Betsy DeVos is what happens when bored white ladies have enough money to really fuck shit up. Turns out, if you’re born rich and marry richer, you don’t have to settle for a book club, you can buy yourself a whole cabinet department!
Administrator of the EPA
Scott Pruitt, like a lot of boys his age, grew up watching Captain Planet cartoons. Unlike most boys his age, he decided that the various sludge-smog-and-toxic-waste-slinging villains were the role models for him.
Ok, fine. Pruitt is ten years too old to have grown up on Captain Planet, but fuck you, that’s a good opening paragraph. Make your own fucking website, you don’t like it.
Chief of Staff
Nobody wants to be Reince Priebus when they grow up. He’s just so immediately recognizable as a weaselly little tapeworm of a man, y’know?
Reince Priebus is the sort of person who would be played by Brad Dourif in a film.
Steve Bannon played Bob Ewell in a high school production of To Kill a Mockingbird, and liked it so much he decided to stay in the character for the rest of his life.
A self-described Leninist, and an outspoken populist*, Bannon wants to kidney-punch the administrative state, give it a wedgie, and steal its lunch money.
Jared Kushner was born on third base and thinks he invented baseball.
Jared’s dad, Charles Kushner, went to jail for tax evasion, illegal campaign donations, and, ahem, “witness tampering,” by which I mean he set his brother-in-law up with a hooker (not, I’m sad to report, of the Pissing Russian variety) and recorded their genital-smushing in order to blackmail him.
Daddy’s Little Girl
Ivanka Trump is what happens when you cross Gwyneth Paltrow with Mussolini’s dumbest, laziest aide-de-camp. Watching her try to sell her father’s fascism as some sort of pro-woman lifestyle brand, marketed in the sickliest imaginable shade of pink, has been one of the most bizarre subplots of this nightmare we can’t seem to pinch ourselves out of.
So, while Melania Trump is perhaps not as shitty as many of the crooks, Nazis, and Nazi crooks who inhabit her dirtbag husband’s world, she manages to impressively shitty in her own right.
When you worked for Akin, things weren’t simple
Cuz he got caught on tape
With legitimate rape
Senior Advisor for Policy
Why is it always the shittiest imaginable white dudes who turn out to be white supremacists?
Stephen Miller, who started balding eleven seconds after his conception, has by all accounts been a sack of monkey shit pretty much every single minute of his life.
Director of Communications
Oh wow, this new Communications Director looks like a real character, huh?
Where to begin? Ok, Anthony Scaramucci first came to –
Wait, what? Really?
White Supremacist Multi-Tool
Kris Kobach is like the protagonist of the white supremacist version of one of those Disney movies where a kid learns to chase his dreams, no matter how big. The kid gets tired of the monotonous grind of burning crosses on just one lawn at a time, and dreams of burning a cross big enough for the whole dang country!
Maybe he has a talking/singing Confederate flag for a sidekick. Named “Bedford.”
Roving Freelance Fascist
As seen in the famed documentary RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK, when the Ark of the Covenant was opened on an uncharted island north of Crete, the burning light that issued thereof reduced the Nazi soldiers present to piles of ash and molten flesh. In time, the rains washed the fascist bio-goo into the island’s sewage system, where it mixed with the shit and piss and used tampons and such, and in time it congealed, took the shape of a man (albeit an unattractive one), slapped on a pair of glasses, and Sebastian Gorka was formed.
Speaker of the House
Paul Ryan was cloned from a single pubic hair plucked from Ayn Rand post-coitus and grown in a still in Charles Koch’s back yard.
Senate Majority Leader
Many years ago, Gamera was following the Grateful Dead on tour, and engaged in a brief-but-life-affirming affair with an Ohio River ‘gator that hung around Ma McConnell’s pig farm, picking off runts for sustenance. Nine months later, young Mitch emerged from a leathery egg, and devoured his fellow hatchlings, beginning his life-long love affair with hurting children.
Susan Collins is How It Happens Here, folks.
She’s supposed to be the rational centrist. The one who stands up to the increasingly-rabid gaggle of turd-spewing hyenas known as the Republican Party when they go too far. That’s whole point of Susan Collins. It’s the brand she’s been selling the people of Maine for years.
Anybody wondering if the GOP is still the party of Lincoln gets their answer whenever they take in James Daniel Jordan’s tension-racked, jacketless frame as he does his “indignant soccer dad demands to see a manager” routine during a committee hearing. Lincoln? That ship has sailed, caught fire, sunk, and been overrun by sea slugs and the ghosts of unusually shitty pirates. Sorry.
Official Sponsors of American Fascism
Chuck and Davey Koch decided that popping out of a rich lady’s vagina gave them the right to reshape the world however they saw fit, hurting whoever they wanted to in the process, and since the fundamental driving impulse of your average Republican politician is to sell out to the highest bidder, they haven’t exactly been proven wrong.
Civil War II: The One Over the Post Office?
Oh wow, things sure are zany these days. Zany zany zany. There’s this zany fascist destroying American democracy from the inside out, which is totally wacky and not at all terrifying. Well, I sure hope I’m not living through the Constitution’s dying days ha ha ha lots of jokes in this very funny political comedy blog tonight hoo ha.
On the ratfucking front, Jared Kushner has been illegally coordinating with Kanye West’s spoiler campaign/public meltdown, which I guess is more important than fighting the coronavirus outbreak, right, Jar-Jar? Yes, this ridiculous plot will likely shift only a tiny handful of votes, but that’s how they pulled it off last time: a leaked e-mail here, a Comey letter there, two scoops of plump, juicy Russian interference…no reason to let ‘em get away with anything, says I.
Seems Hairplug Himmler’s Ambassador to the U.K. is a sexist, racist shitbiscuit who uses his office to further the Grand Wizard Grifter’s personal financial interests. Folks, the world would’ve ground to a complete halt if this crap happened under Obama, and Mitch McConnell would be leading a Brooks Brothers Torch-n-Pitchfork Mob to the White House right now. Today we’re all, “Fucking of course they’re all bigots, now if you’ll excuse me, I have to save the motherfucking Post Office from Nazis, don’t bother me with this shit!”
Yeah, this Post Office thing is doubleplusungood, Resisters. That tiny, malignant brain that can’t comprehend trade or NATO or umbrellas has drawn a thick line, in half-chewed crayon, from VOTE BY MAIL MAKE ME LOSE BIGLY straight to ME AM IN CHARGE OF MAIL, GOODY and it’s clear now he’ll do anything he can get away with to hinder, or even remove our right to vote him out of power.
We’ve been hearing for a while now about the changes ordered by the Tangelo-Tinted Taint Tumor’s new Poststooge General, directives that massively undermine the institution’s efficiency in the name of…increasing efficiency, take a bow, Mr. Orwell. His flunkies have removed vital sorting machines from mail processing centers, without even offering an excuse, because of course there is none; they’re simply destroying the Postal Service’s capacity to carry out its duties, in order to make it harder to safely vote during a pandemic.
Monologuing like a halfwit Bond villain, Gameshow Göring couldn’t help but brag about his scheme, confessing that he is indeed obstructing the USPS funding needed to administer a fair election, and that he intends to keep on doing so. Take another bow, Mr. Orwell. You may want to just stay out here ‘till the end of the blog, honestly.
In the event you were wondering how quickly a cornered fascist desperate to dodge legal comeuppance would escalate his authoritarian attack on America’s voting infrastructure, the answer is Holy Fuck I Didn’t Think He Could Move That Fast. Because before you could even register your outrage at the unprecedented fuckery already perpetrated, the Treasonweasel Administration started literally stealing our motherfucking mailboxes.
It turns out that whole disappearing-folks-off-the-goddamn-streets thing was a test run for an operation targeting not people, but mailboxes. Yes, those big blue collection bins are being removed, in broad daylight, from Oregon to Montana to New York. By your government. To keep you from voting.
The Post Office is literally crying for help, warning us that it may already be too late to fight the sabotage. No jokes here, friends, this is really bad shit. We’re in danger. It’s happening here. Can’t say I’m a fan. Anyway, fight it with every breath in your body.
Also…he wasn’t doing shit about the coronavirus before, but now that he understands that the more out of control it gets, the easier it’ll be to steal our right to vote, holy fuck we’re in trouble. It was one thing when he just didn’t care how many people died, y’know? Meet the new Legion of Doom: Donald Trump, COVID-19, and Kanye West.
(This space intentionally left blank to allow the reader time to scream JESUS TITTYFUCKING CHRIST HOW DID IT COME TO THIS at the top of their lungs, for however long is necessary.)
Shout out to Senator Ron Johnson for providing comic relief on our descent into fascism, cloddishly confessing that yes, he is indeed abusing the power of his post for his Turd Emperor’s political benefit. Fuck, RoJo’s Russian disinformation-laundering is too treasonous for even his Senate Republican colleagues, who never met a Trump crime they wouldn’t enable. You’re like Nazi Dogberry, Ron; you truly put the ‘idiot’ in ‘useful idiot.’ PS, what the FUCK, Wisconsin, you had RUSS FEINGOLD.
Against a grandmaster of political chess like Pumpkin Spice Pol Pot, Smilin’ Joe Biden is hopelessly outmatched. Yes, while the hapless Dem nominee offers plans to contain the coronavirus outbreak and rebuild the economy, it is Littlefinger who shrewdly reads the electoral tea leaves, understanding that while a crippling pandemic and depression-level unemployment may snag a headline or two, 2020 is destined to be a Showerhead Pressure election. And Mike Pants is shrieking about meat. Let me just say that I understand how these assclowns came to the conclusion that they’d need to cheat to win.
And yeah, the coronavirus is still beating the living fuck out of the United States of America, so mercilessly as to cry out for Jim Ross commentary. 1,485 deaths this last Wednesday, the most since May. School reopenings are, tragically, going exactly as everyone knew they would. None of this is a surprise, of course; we continue to behave in a manner that is fully understood to facilitate the virus’ spread, because idiots are in charge. Public officials should be capable of learning, y’know? Public officials should be unwilling to sacrifice their constituents’ lives to an obviously deranged con man’s ego. I guess that’s a lesson we needed to learn the hard way.
You’ll never believe this, but before the denizens of the right wing media jagosphere could teach themselves to pronounce “Kamala,” they launched a coordinated racist birther attack on our shiny new Vice Presidential nominee. I don’t know if this can get any clearer at this point: it’s a white supremacist death cult against the rest of us. I know which side I’m on, and I know they can’t beat us without cheating, but…holy fuck are they cheating.
The Fascist Farthuffer’s Former Fixer, Michael Cohen, certainly knows how to launch a marketing campaign. Like, he’s coming to the Defenestrated Shartworld Accomplice Tell-All genre kinda late, and on top of an already-competitive market, you’ve got the Senate GOP dropping atomic turds on a battered and brutalized economy, so budgets are tight, and basically, if you’ve got piss stories, you wanna lead with ‘em. I mean, I wouldn’t give you any money if you put a gun to my head, ya cheap thug, but I applaud your moxie.
I know you’re numb to the phenomenon of the institutional GOP failing tests of basic human decency, but like, they didn’t have to break out the good china for Frothy QAnon Believer/Holy Fucking Shit Really and Truly About to Be a U.S. Representative Marjorie Taylor Greene. An immediate presidential endorsement? A warm welcome from Minority Leader McCarthy? What, in the end, do you useless cowards STAND FOR? Fuck it. Sanity is partisan now, I guess.
An amazing, long-sought moment of clarity in the Briefing Room, when a reporter finally asked Dorito Mussolini, after all the carnage wrought by his insidious dishonesty, after 170,000 deaths with perhaps as many yet to come, does he maybe regret lying to us so fucking much? Is there a shred of recognition anywhere in that Adderall-saturated, garbanzo-sized brain that he’s caused all this needless suffering by stealing a job he was never qualified to take on? If you had it to do all over again, would you maybe spare the world the cancer of your “leadership?”
…and the dead, empty confusion in his eyes, like “what is this ‘regret’ of which you speak? Next question!” Just…like, are there worse people? Surely five or ten, somewhere on Earth, right? We didn’t really make the single most terrible human being out of billions the President…did we?
The Government Accountability Office found that the Goebbels Boys over at DHS, aka Chad Wolf and KKKen Cuccinelli, were appointed to their “acting” posts illegally, meaning the police state crackdown in Portland was ordered by basically a couple of crooks who broke into a distressingly-powerful Cabinet office and just started pushing buttons. I feel like the country deserves a few more safeguards before jackbooted thugs in military gear get dispatched to disappear American citizens into unmarked vehicles…like, I know Biden’s to-do list is already substantial, but FUCK.
Anyway, yeah, I’m spending most of my time these days worrying about the Post Office, which is definitely not how I imagined my life would turn out back in the glory days of theatre classes and Miller Genuine Draft. Well, the beer’s better now, anyway…