Mike Pence is the Patron Saint of Mediocre White Dudes, and the Roman God of Failing Upwards.
A Democrat in his youth, Pence, like many men of limited intelligence, turned to religious conservatism for the convenience of being able to end arguments by claiming God shares his every fear and prejudice, while forgiving his every shortcoming, how convenient.
Secretary of State
Over the course of three decades, Rex Tillerson fucked, bribed, and murdered his way to the top of Exxon Mobil, like some sort of jowlsy Eva Peron.
Secretary of the Treasury
Steve Mnuchin, like his namesake, the Noise You Make When You’re Dry Heaving After Getting Food Poisoning From Eating Truck Stop Gas Station Roller Hot Pockets on a Road Trip, is deeply unpleasant, and may result in the involuntary voiding of foul-smelling bodily fluids.
Secretary of Defense
Chief of Staff
National Security Advisor
Holy shit, there are Generals all over the place these days, aren’t there?
Retired General James Mattis serves as Secretary of Defense. Retired General John Kelly ran Homeland Security for a bit, before becoming the Lead Executive Branch Babysitter, excuse me, Chief of Staff. H.R. McMaster’s the National Security Advisor, and hell, he’s still on active duty.
Jefferson Beauregard Sessions, third generation of his family to carry the name of a Confedarate piece of trash and also a second Confederate piece of trash, is living his dream. As Velveeta Goebbels’ Attorney General, he’s turning back the clock to a time when women and minorities knew their place, and mediocre white dudes like himself got to run everything, even if they weren’t especially bright.
Ryan Zinke is like if the crappiest robot in Westworld escaped and jumped into conservative politics. He’s such a cartoon cowboy, I bet his right boot says “Andy” on the bottom.
Secretary of Commerce
When a witch’s curse transformed his master into a Beast and his fellow servants into household objects, Wilbur Ross became a decorative garden gnome. Unlike the rest of his compatriots, he ventured out into the world to make his fortune in the realm of shady international finance and money laundering, and when True Love’s Kiss lifted the curse, Wilbur was too far away for the enchantment to reverse, and thus he remains trapped in gnome form forever.
Secretary of Health and Human Services
If the Hippocratic Oath is binding in any sort of spiritual sense, Tom Price is royally fucked, y’all. There is some straight Dante shit awaitin’ him in the afterlife.
Secretary of Housing and Urban Development
Dr. Ben Carson is only in politics because he was rude President Obama to his face. At the 2013 National Prayer Breakfast, a traditionally non-political event, Dr. Ben, having been invited as the keynote speaker, decided to use his time to shit on the President and his policies.
Secretary of Education
Betsy DeVos is what happens when bored white ladies have enough money to really fuck shit up. Turns out, if you’re born rich and marry richer, you don’t have to settle for a book club, you can buy yourself a whole cabinet department!
Administrator of the EPA
Scott Pruitt, like a lot of boys his age, grew up watching Captain Planet cartoons. Unlike most boys his age, he decided that the various sludge-smog-and-toxic-waste-slinging villains were the role models for him.
Ok, fine. Pruitt is ten years too old to have grown up on Captain Planet, but fuck you, that’s a good opening paragraph. Make your own fucking website, you don’t like it.
Chief of Staff
Nobody wants to be Reince Priebus when they grow up. He’s just so immediately recognizable as a weaselly little tapeworm of a man, y’know?
Reince Priebus is the sort of person who would be played by Brad Dourif in a film.
Steve Bannon played Bob Ewell in a high school production of To Kill a Mockingbird, and liked it so much he decided to stay in the character for the rest of his life.
A self-described Leninist, and an outspoken populist*, Bannon wants to kidney-punch the administrative state, give it a wedgie, and steal its lunch money.
Jared Kushner was born on third base and thinks he invented baseball.
Jared’s dad, Charles Kushner, went to jail for tax evasion, illegal campaign donations, and, ahem, “witness tampering,” by which I mean he set his brother-in-law up with a hooker (not, I’m sad to report, of the Pissing Russian variety) and recorded their genital-smushing in order to blackmail him.
When you worked for Akin, things weren’t simple
Cuz he got caught on tape
With legitimate rape
Senior Advisor for Policy
Why is it always the shittiest imaginable white dudes who turn out to be white supremacists?
Stephen Miller, who started balding eleven seconds after his conception, has by all accounts been a sack of monkey shit pretty much every single minute of his life.
Director of Communications
Oh wow, this new Communications Director looks like a real character, huh?
Where to begin? Ok, Anthony Scaramucci first came to –
Wait, what? Really?
White Supremacist Multi-Tool
Kris Kobach is like the protagonist of the white supremacist version of one of those Disney movies where a kid learns to chase his dreams, no matter how big. The kid gets tired of the monotonous grind of burning crosses on just one lawn at a time, and dreams of burning a cross big enough for the whole dang country!
Maybe he has a talking/singing Confederate flag for a sidekick. Named “Bedford.”
Roving Freelance Fascist
As seen in the famed documentary RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK, when the Ark of the Covenant was opened on an uncharted island north of Crete, the burning light that issued thereof reduced the Nazi soldiers present to piles of ash and molten flesh. In time, the rains washed the fascist bio-goo into the island’s sewage system, where it mixed with the shit and piss and used tampons and such, and in time it congealed, took the shape of a man (albeit an unattractive one), slapped on a pair of glasses, and Sebastian Gorka was formed.
Speaker of the House
Paul Ryan was cloned from a single pubic hair plucked from Ayn Rand post-coitus and grown in a still in Charles Koch’s back yard.
Senate Majority Leader
Many years ago, Gamera was following the Grateful Dead on tour, and engaged in a brief-but-life-affirming affair with an Ohio River ‘gator that hung around Ma McConnell’s pig farm, picking off runts for sustenance. Nine months later, young Mitch emerged from a leathery egg, and devoured his fellow hatchlings, beginning his life-long love affair with hurting children.
Clue: Jeffrey Epstein Edition is Gonna be a Huge Seller This Xmas
I’m a little under the weather today, my friends, and let me just say that adding drowsiness-inducing cough syrup to the day’s news consumption hasn’t exactly been soothing. Just skip any paragraphs about pink elephants, okay?
I missed this one last week, but it seems Jerk-of-All-Trades Mick Mulvaney has a clever little plan to chase some of those pesky scientists out of the federal government by relocating their departments to Kansas City. Ah, the notorious threat of Proximity to Delicious BBQ. Anyway, I’m looking forward to the inevitable reality TV show where Mick forces the entire Department of the Interior to share a couple of Winnebagos as they tour and inspect America’s national park system.
So, WaPo informs us that the Grifter Grand Wizard is shaking his tiny, inadequate, fists at the sky in rage, because his precious “brand” has become synonymous with racism. I don’t get it. The Central Park Five, the Muslim Ban, “build a wall” chants, “rapists and murderers,” shithole countries, attacks on Elijah Cummings and Baltimore and the Squad, the “very fine people on both sides” speech….old man, you’ve worked HARD for your reputation; fuckin’ OWN IT. It’s like if Ronald McDonald ran around in a sputtering fury, slapping anybody he catches saying “I’m lovin’ it.”
Like, folks’ve started to notice how much you like re-tweeting British hate-monger Katie Hopkins, who is on the extremely short list of Public Figures More Racist Than Donald Trump. When you’re using the presidential bully pulpit to platform a monster who literally tosses around phrases like “final solution,” and you’re still confused as to how your brand become essentially “the Klan, but gauche,” maybe you’re as stupid as you are racist, which is like, whoa, hellaciously stupid.
But look, in the interest of fairness, would a racist President try to get Israel to ban two Muslim Congresswomen from entry? Oh, I guess he would. So maybe he’s as petty as he is dumb and racist, too.
And surely it’s unfair to label a man “racist” just because he refuses to stop doing Mickey-Rooney-in-Breakfast-at-Tiffany’s voices to mock the leaders of South Korea and Japan, right? Big shout out to the Hamptons plutocrat class, who responded to Tangerine Idi Amin’s little stand-up routine not with condemnation, but with phat donation checks; we’ve developed a voracious appetite for boycotting you collaborating bastards.
Look, if you really want to clear this branding thing up, maybe you should take out some ads on Tucker Carlson’s White Power Hour; the rates are surely pretty reasonable, what with all the regular sponsors fleeing in the wake of Liar Tuck’s white-supremacy-is-a-hoax-just-ask-the-22-victims-of-the-apparently-imaginary-El-Paso-shooter controversy.
Lindsey Graham remains absolutely horny to repeal the ACA, promising voters that, if returned to power in 2020, his party will finally follow through on their promise to shorten millions of their constituents’ lifespans by stealing their health insurance coverage. It’s a weird pitch, particularly after the 2018 blue wave blowout, but if these clods insist on repeating their biggest mistakes, I certainly don’t intend to stand in their way.
Walmart finally solved America’s gun violence problem once and for all, ordering the removal of violent video game signage from their stores, and unplugging display consoles, because 9 out of 10 mass shooters are, as we know, motivated by the lingering resentment of being pulled away from the Smash Brothers demo before they’ve finished kicking Bowser’s ass. Pretty selfish of the Waltons to keep those stations open in spite of the tens of thousands of annual deaths they caused, but thank GOD, we’re out of the woods now.
Actually the gun problem got Bonus Double Solved with Sprinkles, since Universal decided to pull their latest braindead take on The Most Dangerous Game from release. Whew! I think of all of the lives this gesture will save, and that is zero lives, so maybe now that we’ve gotten all the stupid, stupid, shit out of our systems, we can focus on passing some MOTHERFUCKING GUN CONTROL LAWS, huh?
Meanwhile, another would-be white supremacist Walmart shooter got arrested for threatening a mass murder of his own, but please don’t confuse that twerp with the one who got arrested for terrorizing a totally different Walmart, strolling through the aisles decked out like he was expecting to be teleported to Fallujah at any moment. What the fuck, is there some sort of Massacre a Walmart merit badge in the Jagoff Scouts?
In international news, the Velveeta Vulgarian renewed his contract on the property he’s been leasing half a foot up Kim Jong-un’s ass, once again massaging the third-rate, third-world, autocrat’s ego, while simultaneously trying to extort our long-time allies in South Korea. Kim, as always, repaid this show of humiliating deference by the leader of the world’s sole superpower by launching a bunch of missiles every seven minutes or so, because of how much he respects you, right Donnie?
Hey, you probably haven’t head about this, but I guess that Jeffrey Epstein fellah killed himself in prison. And America collectively raised one eyebrow in a single, unified, “what’s THIS fuckery, then?” expression, from sea to shining sea.
Now, because I only do this blog twice a week, all the Epstein takes are long gone by now, but I’ll say this; through reactions to this story, you found out EXACTLY how crazy every single person in your social media feed is, didn’t you? Suddenly, your high school choir teacher, who likes Lisa Murkwoski but seemed more or less stable, is all “THE DEEP STATE FAKED EPSTEIN’S DEATH AND SMUGGLED HIM THROUGH SECRET ILLUMINATI SEWERS INTO THE PIZZAGATE BASEMENT AND GAVE HIM PLASTIC SURGERY SO HE LOOKS LIKE A YOUNG HUME CRONYN NOW.”
Frankly, in comparison to some of the deeply insane shit I saw, I’m actually kinda disappointed in the “the Clintons strike again” crowd. Like, you’re the sweater-wearing suburbanites of conspiracy theorists; the REAL nutjobs find you quaintly pathetic. I bet you listen to James Taylor while you’re mainlining 8chan memes.
So yeah, maybe it was more than a little horrifying to see Circus Peanut Sydney Greenstreet casually accusing his former political opponent of murder, but it was also sort of phoned-in and lame. Isn’t normalization fun? Why, I bet when they start jailing Democratic Congressmen, we’ll barely even notice!
But never fear, Enabler General William Barr is on the motherfuckin’ case, y’all. He’s gonna get to the bottom of just what went wrong in that jail that (checks notes) William Barr, as head of the Justice Department, is ultimately responsible for. He’s already uncovered “serious irregularities.” Wow, can’t slip anything past you, Billy. Except apparently the life of the most famous prisoner in the entire fucking country.
Revolutionizing international diplomacy in his trademark “custard-brained dullard” style, Government Cheese Goebbels has apparently taken to communicating with Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau via sharpie-scrawl-on-torn-off-magazine-cover; it’s all the little ways he finds to humiliate the country that show us (and Putin) that he really takes his job destroying America seriously.
I guess we’re up to 17 minutes of fame each now, because the fucking Mooch is back, and I guess he’s suddenly decided that pussy-grabbing bigots make bad presidents after all and can he pleez be a Resistance Hero™️now and also be on TV a lot? Whatever.
President Gas Station Urinal Cake’s phony evangelical base, utterly unmoved by the sexual assault, the children ripped from their parents’ arms and thrown into camps, the stealing from charity, the unapologetic incitement of white supremacist terrorism, or the decades of crimes against Perfectly Good Steak, may have finally hit their breaking point, because the Turd Emperor has taken their lord’s name in vain. Does anybody else want to sit these assclowns down someplace, and just ask them what they think the Bible says about stuff? Just out of morbid curiosity?
Stephen Miller and his new playmate Ken Cuccinelli sat down with their crayons (after removing the various shades of brown, of course) and worked up some new ways to fuck over legal immigrants, and Donnie Dotard was so proud of them, he stuck their finished project to the fridge with a magnet shaped of a jar of whitest mayonnaise. Again, the important thing here is that nobody interprets this obsessive focus on curtailing non-white immigration, while issues like the opioid crisis are totally neglected, as motivated by racism in any way.
Also, the administration famous worldwide for their seething hatred of people is branching out into the exciting new field of hatred of animals. Yeah, the myopic fuckers are weakening the Endangered Species Act, probably as direct vengeance for that one bald eagle video, because America’s bountiful natural heritage is for CUCKS.
And even Dr. Ronny Jackson can’t disguise the rapidly-expanding deficit, which has already eclipsed 2018’s full-year total. This must make Republicans really mad, unless maybe all their bellowing about the debt and the deficit is only a bullshit political cudgel to cynically wield against Democrats when they’re out of power, but they seem like such nice fellows, I’d hate to imply anything unseemly.
Okay, that’s all I got tonight, folks. I can’t say for certain I caught everything, in the midst of my NyQuil daze, but I don’t think I missed any wars…right?