Mike Pence is the Patron Saint of Mediocre White Dudes, and the Roman God of Failing Upwards.
A Democrat in his youth, Pence, like many men of limited intelligence, turned to religious conservatism for the convenience of being able to end arguments by claiming God shares his every fear and prejudice, while forgiving his every shortcoming, how convenient.
Secretary of State
Mike Pompeo is one of those performatively pious fake Christians who loves using his loudly-claimed-but-seldom-followed faith like a cudgel while ignoring every single word of the actual Bible, including “and” and “the.”
Secretary of State
Over the course of three decades, Rex Tillerson fucked, bribed, and murdered his way to the top of Exxon Mobil, like some sort of jowlsy Eva Peron.
William Barr actually taught me a valuable lesson. See, I didn’t look too closely at Bill when he was nominated to be Attorney General. After Jeff “Too Racist for the 80’s” Sessions and the masculine toilet guy, honestly, he looked like a nice, refreshing, safe, traditional Republican. An institutionalist who could bring a little much-needed stability.
And then he turned out to be a fascist, and one of the most dangerous enemies of democracy in American history. Whoops. My bad.
Secretary of the Treasury
Steve Mnuchin, like his namesake, the Noise You Make When You’re Dry Heaving After Getting Food Poisoning From Eating Truck Stop Gas Station Roller Hot Pockets on a Road Trip, is deeply unpleasant, and may result in the involuntary voiding of foul-smelling bodily fluids.
Secretary of Defense
Chief of Staff
National Security Advisor
Holy shit, there are Generals all over the place these days, aren’t there?
Retired General James Mattis serves as Secretary of Defense. Retired General John Kelly ran Homeland Security for a bit, before becoming the Lead Executive Branch Babysitter, excuse me, Chief of Staff. H.R. McMaster’s the National Security Advisor, and hell, he’s still on active duty.
Jefferson Beauregard Sessions, third generation of his family to carry the name of a Confedarate piece of trash and also a second Confederate piece of trash, is living his dream. As Velveeta Goebbels’ Attorney General, he’s turning back the clock to a time when women and minorities knew their place, and mediocre white dudes like himself got to run everything, even if they weren’t especially bright.
Ryan Zinke is like if the crappiest robot in Westworld escaped and jumped into conservative politics. He’s such a cartoon cowboy, I bet his right boot says “Andy” on the bottom.
Secretary of Commerce
When a witch’s curse transformed his master into a Beast and his fellow servants into household objects, Wilbur Ross became a decorative garden gnome. Unlike the rest of his compatriots, he ventured out into the world to make his fortune in the realm of shady international finance and money laundering, and when True Love’s Kiss lifted the curse, Wilbur was too far away for the enchantment to reverse, and thus he remains trapped in gnome form forever.
Secretary of Health and Human Services
If the Hippocratic Oath is binding in any sort of spiritual sense, Tom Price is royally fucked, y’all. There is some straight Dante shit awaitin’ him in the afterlife.
Secretary of Housing and Urban Development
Dr. Ben Carson is only in politics because he was rude President Obama to his face. At the 2013 National Prayer Breakfast, a traditionally non-political event, Dr. Ben, having been invited as the keynote speaker, decided to use his time to shit on the President and his policies.
Secretary of Education
Betsy DeVos is what happens when bored white ladies have enough money to really fuck shit up. Turns out, if you’re born rich and marry richer, you don’t have to settle for a book club, you can buy yourself a whole cabinet department!
Administrator of the EPA
Scott Pruitt, like a lot of boys his age, grew up watching Captain Planet cartoons. Unlike most boys his age, he decided that the various sludge-smog-and-toxic-waste-slinging villains were the role models for him.
Ok, fine. Pruitt is ten years too old to have grown up on Captain Planet, but fuck you, that’s a good opening paragraph. Make your own fucking website, you don’t like it.
Chief of Staff
Nobody wants to be Reince Priebus when they grow up. He’s just so immediately recognizable as a weaselly little tapeworm of a man, y’know?
Reince Priebus is the sort of person who would be played by Brad Dourif in a film.
Steve Bannon played Bob Ewell in a high school production of To Kill a Mockingbird, and liked it so much he decided to stay in the character for the rest of his life.
A self-described Leninist, and an outspoken populist*, Bannon wants to kidney-punch the administrative state, give it a wedgie, and steal its lunch money.
Jared Kushner was born on third base and thinks he invented baseball.
Jared’s dad, Charles Kushner, went to jail for tax evasion, illegal campaign donations, and, ahem, “witness tampering,” by which I mean he set his brother-in-law up with a hooker (not, I’m sad to report, of the Pissing Russian variety) and recorded their genital-smushing in order to blackmail him.
Daddy’s Little Girl
Ivanka Trump is what happens when you cross Gwyneth Paltrow with Mussolini’s dumbest, laziest aide-de-camp. Watching her try to sell her father’s fascism as some sort of pro-woman lifestyle brand, marketed in the sickliest imaginable shade of pink, has been one of the most bizarre subplots of this nightmare we can’t seem to pinch ourselves out of.
So, while Melania Trump is perhaps not as shitty as many of the crooks, Nazis, and Nazi crooks who inhabit her dirtbag husband’s world, she manages to impressively shitty in her own right.
When you worked for Akin, things weren’t simple
Cuz he got caught on tape
With legitimate rape
Senior Advisor for Policy
Why is it always the shittiest imaginable white dudes who turn out to be white supremacists?
Stephen Miller, who started balding eleven seconds after his conception, has by all accounts been a sack of monkey shit pretty much every single minute of his life.
Director of Communications
Oh wow, this new Communications Director looks like a real character, huh?
Where to begin? Ok, Anthony Scaramucci first came to –
Wait, what? Really?
White Supremacist Multi-Tool
Kris Kobach is like the protagonist of the white supremacist version of one of those Disney movies where a kid learns to chase his dreams, no matter how big. The kid gets tired of the monotonous grind of burning crosses on just one lawn at a time, and dreams of burning a cross big enough for the whole dang country!
Maybe he has a talking/singing Confederate flag for a sidekick. Named “Bedford.”
Roving Freelance Fascist
As seen in the famed documentary RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK, when the Ark of the Covenant was opened on an uncharted island north of Crete, the burning light that issued thereof reduced the Nazi soldiers present to piles of ash and molten flesh. In time, the rains washed the fascist bio-goo into the island’s sewage system, where it mixed with the shit and piss and used tampons and such, and in time it congealed, took the shape of a man (albeit an unattractive one), slapped on a pair of glasses, and Sebastian Gorka was formed.
Speaker of the House
Paul Ryan was cloned from a single pubic hair plucked from Ayn Rand post-coitus and grown in a still in Charles Koch’s back yard.
Senate Majority Leader
Many years ago, Gamera was following the Grateful Dead on tour, and engaged in a brief-but-life-affirming affair with an Ohio River ‘gator that hung around Ma McConnell’s pig farm, picking off runts for sustenance. Nine months later, young Mitch emerged from a leathery egg, and devoured his fellow hatchlings, beginning his life-long love affair with hurting children.
Susan Collins is How It Happens Here, folks.
She’s supposed to be the rational centrist. The one who stands up to the increasingly-rabid gaggle of turd-spewing hyenas known as the Republican Party when they go too far. That’s whole point of Susan Collins. It’s the brand she’s been selling the people of Maine for years.
Anybody wondering if the GOP is still the party of Lincoln gets their answer whenever they take in James Daniel Jordan’s tension-racked, jacketless frame as he does his “indignant soccer dad demands to see a manager” routine during a committee hearing. Lincoln? That ship has sailed, caught fire, sunk, and been overrun by sea slugs and the ghosts of unusually shitty pirates. Sorry.
Official Sponsors of American Fascism
Chuck and Davey Koch decided that popping out of a rich lady’s vagina gave them the right to reshape the world however they saw fit, hurting whoever they wanted to in the process, and since the fundamental driving impulse of your average Republican politician is to sell out to the highest bidder, they haven’t exactly been proven wrong.
Congratulate the GOP on their Tax Bill, The Pyrrhicest Victory of All Time. Also, “Pyrrhicest” is a Word Now
I think the nonstop insanity of 2017 has finally entirely overwhelmed the GOP. Having passed a universally-despised bill that will certainly destroy their congressional majorities in 11 short months, these delusional old men are partying like it’s 1899, and they’re all railroad barons.
Well, let’s poke through the rubble, see if we can piece together just what the fuck is going on.
Doddering Meth Addict Scott Pruitt blew a few thousand taxpayer dollars to have his office swept for bugs, because he is paranoid clown who thinks he lives in a spy novel. Yes, this is the same Scott Pruitt who demanded round-the-clock security, and a $25,000 sound-proof booth for his office, so nobody will hear the unseemly moans he makes when jacking off to photos of oil-covered wildlife suffering in the aftermath of the latest pipeline rupture.
Let me just lift this from the article verbatim: “Government officials have lifted the moratorium on funding for research that involves altering certain viruses to make them more lethal and transmittable.”
Heh. Heheheheh. Too perfect. The least intelligent, least responsible, administration in American history wants to fuck around with germ warfare? Fine. Whatever. I lost my mind sometime in June. Bring it on.
…but if you happen to find yourself watching CNN some lazy afternoon, and Jake Tapper and his guests all seem to develop the sniffles at the same time, well…
So, some random maniac popped up on a Fux Nooz panel and casually mentioned that the FBI was probably plotting to assassinate Baron Golfin von Fatfuk because someone said so “on social media.” Folks, there are people on social media who think the Browns are going to win the Super Bowl next season. And that’s not even factoring in the lizard people crowd.
And it tells you everything you need to know about Fox that they didn’t immediately ban this moron for life for telling a national TV audience that THE FEDERAL BUREAU OF INVESTIGATION MIGHT BE ATTEMPTING TO ASSASSINATE THE PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES BECAUSE YOU READ SOME MORON’S TWEET.
So the whole world hates Tangerine Idi Amin’s Jerusalem move, and there’s a U.N. vote coming up where the community of nations is expected to condemn it as the act of a Tantruming Man-Child Who Doesn’t Know Shit About Shit, which it is.
And of course, Littlefinger and his stooge, U.N. Ambassador Nikki Haley, responded as any mature statesmen might, by throwing around empty threats like they’re cheap gangsters from movies Joe Pesci turned down.
The great thing about alienating the international community is…nothing. At all. There’s no conceivable benefit for America or any of its citizens. Still, I’m sure by the end of the week, the New York Times will find some dipshit who’s never read anything longer than the patty melt description on a diner menu, and he’ll think it’s just ducky.
Failed Witchhunter Trey Gowdy shot his mouth off a bit about how FBI Deputy Director Andrew McCabe probably wasn’t even gonna show up for his interview with Congress, probably because he was going to confess to being Hillary Clinton’s corrupt personal sex slave and then commit ritual suicide in shame. And when none of that happened, Gowdy Doody was all, “Yeah, I guess I made all that shit up out of thin air. Kind of like the entire fucking Benghazi investigation. I don’t know if y’all have noticed, but I’m not a very smart man.”
Foreign Policy reports that alllllllll the way back in January, Shart House Counsel Don McGahn was going, “Siri, is it bad if your National Security Advisor lies to the FBI?” and the Mueller investigation has the records to prove it.
And WHOA IF TRUE because if it turns out McGahn went to Drumpf with his concerns about Mike “The Turkish Delight” Flynn that far back, the already-chubby obstruction of justice case just put on another ten pounds.
We learned that Decaying Frank Capra Antagonist Rupert Murdoch halted publication of a WSJ editorial highlighting Boss Shart’s mob ties as he drew closer to clinching his ethically-bankrupt party’s nomination. Cuz hey, if you don’t report something in the first place, it doesn’t have to be fair OR balanced!
Well, the Republican Party successfully passed the least popular piece of legislation in recent history, and, for reasons that escape me, they threw themselves a party. It’s like setting the house on the fire, locking yourself inside, and popping champagne.
These dopes really think this turd will get more popular as time goes on. Like, when your dickhead boss drives his shiny new Mercedes to work next summer, you’ll be so pleased that you got to splurge and get your tires rotated at your last oil change that you’ll just spontaneously call Richard Burr on your lunch break to blubber your thanks.
Susan Collins, clearly nostalgic for the bipartisan praise heaped on her in the heady days of the ACA repeal fight, accused the media of sexism, because she doesn’t seem quite so heroic when delivering fat sacks of cash to billionaires.
Senator Collins, let me clarify this for you…while our understanding of the concept of gender is evolving seemingly by the day, distaste for the fact that you’re a lying puppet who sold her constituents out to the Republican donor base transcends any conceivable identity. independent of race, creed, color, or gender, all Americans saw what you did this week, and we don’t fucking like it.
And the Marmalade Shartcannon celebrated his pathetically-late first victory with a round of his favorite pastime; forcing his subordinates to lavish flowery praise upon him like a third-rate, third-world Generalissimo.
And good gravy, were his craven enablers ever willing! Hats off especially to Mike Pence, who fondled the Trumpal nutsack like a couple of Baoding balls. Orrin Hatch bootlicked spectacularly as well, saying Donnie Two-Scoops is prolly the best President ever, because he somehow managed to get Republicans to cut rich folks’ taxes.
Yeah, Orrin…that’s some real water-into-wine shit right there. (Epic eyeroll)
I have to admit, watching these men debase themselves, groveling like servants before this loathsome, bloated, crotch fungus of a man…it makes me laugh. How utterly devoid of self-respect would have you to be to say what Pence or Hatch said today?
(In the background, Trent Franks wandered the party clutching a red Solo cup with “WILL ROOFIE 4 SURROGATE” drawn in Sharpie on the side.)
Anyway, enjoy the “victory.” The nation hates the bill, and the fuckheads who passed it. Me, I look forward to watching Democrats run on repealing it, kick your collaborating asses out of office, and then claw Bob Corker’s signature kickback right out of his greedy little pocket.
I suppose I should mention how Shartboy took a moment in his Celebration of American Oligarchy to tell Steve Scalise that getting almost murdered in the hail of a lunatic’s bullets was “a helluva way to lose weight.”
At least now we know why our President won’t even ban bump stocks…in his eyes, the massacre in Vegas was just one big Jenny Craig camp.
Oh, and the Candycorn Skidmark bragged about how he’d “essentially repealed Obamacare,” but nobody noticed, because he’s just so dang crafty. No, you didn’t repeal the ACA ya jag, but you DID ensure that you’ll be blamed for the forthcoming premium increases. Nice work, genius.
Back in the real world, the former Trump SoHo Hotel wrapped up sandblasting the President’s sharty little name off every surface on their grounds. What I’m saying is, congratulations, Senator Hatch n’ Friends, for tying your fortunes so irreversibly to a man who is so widely hated that businesses are literally paying to back out of their associations with him.
Meanwhile, Devin “Pigfucker” Nunes pulled out of Ma Hackett’s prized sow long enough to apparently launch a little side “investigation” designed to paint the FBI as hopelessly corrupt for investigating the President in the face of increasingly-overwhelming evidence that he and his team have broken a fuck-ton of laws.
Nunes is such a cartoonish little weasel, it’s easy to lose sight of the fact that there is no pillar of American democracy that the Trumpiest wing of the GOP won’t merrily knock over to protect their crooked God-Emperor. The dustbin of history can’t get here soon an enough. Keep an eye on these fucks, Resisters.
On the other side of the aisle, Virginia Senator Mark Warner took the floor to say, “Hey Fuck-O. If you’re thinking of firing Bob Mueller, you’ll have to go through me first.”
Be like Mark Warner. Stand with Mark Warner. Actually, just look up Mark Warner and tell him, “Thanks for standing up for us, bro.”
Yeah, shit be cray, folks. I never thought shit would get so cray that a political party would throw a party for their own funeral, but hey…it ain’t the first time I’ve been surprised this particular calendar year.