Mike Pence is the Patron Saint of Mediocre White Dudes, and the Roman God of Failing Upwards.
A Democrat in his youth, Pence, like many men of limited intelligence, turned to religious conservatism for the convenience of being able to end arguments by claiming God shares his every fear and prejudice, while forgiving his every shortcoming, how convenient.
Secretary of State
Mike Pompeo is one of those performatively pious fake Christians who loves using his loudly-claimed-but-seldom-followed faith like a cudgel while ignoring every single word of the actual Bible, including “and” and “the.”
Secretary of State
Over the course of three decades, Rex Tillerson fucked, bribed, and murdered his way to the top of Exxon Mobil, like some sort of jowlsy Eva Peron.
William Barr actually taught me a valuable lesson. See, I didn’t look too closely at Bill when he was nominated to be Attorney General. After Jeff “Too Racist for the 80’s” Sessions and the masculine toilet guy, honestly, he looked like a nice, refreshing, safe, traditional Republican. An institutionalist who could bring a little much-needed stability.
And then he turned out to be a fascist, and one of the most dangerous enemies of democracy in American history. Whoops. My bad.
Secretary of the Treasury
Steve Mnuchin, like his namesake, the Noise You Make When You’re Dry Heaving After Getting Food Poisoning From Eating Truck Stop Gas Station Roller Hot Pockets on a Road Trip, is deeply unpleasant, and may result in the involuntary voiding of foul-smelling bodily fluids.
Secretary of Defense
Chief of Staff
National Security Advisor
Holy shit, there are Generals all over the place these days, aren’t there?
Retired General James Mattis serves as Secretary of Defense. Retired General John Kelly ran Homeland Security for a bit, before becoming the Lead Executive Branch Babysitter, excuse me, Chief of Staff. H.R. McMaster’s the National Security Advisor, and hell, he’s still on active duty.
Jefferson Beauregard Sessions, third generation of his family to carry the name of a Confedarate piece of trash and also a second Confederate piece of trash, is living his dream. As Velveeta Goebbels’ Attorney General, he’s turning back the clock to a time when women and minorities knew their place, and mediocre white dudes like himself got to run everything, even if they weren’t especially bright.
Ryan Zinke is like if the crappiest robot in Westworld escaped and jumped into conservative politics. He’s such a cartoon cowboy, I bet his right boot says “Andy” on the bottom.
Secretary of Commerce
When a witch’s curse transformed his master into a Beast and his fellow servants into household objects, Wilbur Ross became a decorative garden gnome. Unlike the rest of his compatriots, he ventured out into the world to make his fortune in the realm of shady international finance and money laundering, and when True Love’s Kiss lifted the curse, Wilbur was too far away for the enchantment to reverse, and thus he remains trapped in gnome form forever.
Secretary of Health and Human Services
If the Hippocratic Oath is binding in any sort of spiritual sense, Tom Price is royally fucked, y’all. There is some straight Dante shit awaitin’ him in the afterlife.
Secretary of Housing and Urban Development
Dr. Ben Carson is only in politics because he was rude President Obama to his face. At the 2013 National Prayer Breakfast, a traditionally non-political event, Dr. Ben, having been invited as the keynote speaker, decided to use his time to shit on the President and his policies.
Secretary of Education
Betsy DeVos is what happens when bored white ladies have enough money to really fuck shit up. Turns out, if you’re born rich and marry richer, you don’t have to settle for a book club, you can buy yourself a whole cabinet department!
Administrator of the EPA
Scott Pruitt, like a lot of boys his age, grew up watching Captain Planet cartoons. Unlike most boys his age, he decided that the various sludge-smog-and-toxic-waste-slinging villains were the role models for him.
Ok, fine. Pruitt is ten years too old to have grown up on Captain Planet, but fuck you, that’s a good opening paragraph. Make your own fucking website, you don’t like it.
Chief of Staff
Nobody wants to be Reince Priebus when they grow up. He’s just so immediately recognizable as a weaselly little tapeworm of a man, y’know?
Reince Priebus is the sort of person who would be played by Brad Dourif in a film.
Steve Bannon played Bob Ewell in a high school production of To Kill a Mockingbird, and liked it so much he decided to stay in the character for the rest of his life.
A self-described Leninist, and an outspoken populist*, Bannon wants to kidney-punch the administrative state, give it a wedgie, and steal its lunch money.
Jared Kushner was born on third base and thinks he invented baseball.
Jared’s dad, Charles Kushner, went to jail for tax evasion, illegal campaign donations, and, ahem, “witness tampering,” by which I mean he set his brother-in-law up with a hooker (not, I’m sad to report, of the Pissing Russian variety) and recorded their genital-smushing in order to blackmail him.
Daddy’s Little Girl
Ivanka Trump is what happens when you cross Gwyneth Paltrow with Mussolini’s dumbest, laziest aide-de-camp. Watching her try to sell her father’s fascism as some sort of pro-woman lifestyle brand, marketed in the sickliest imaginable shade of pink, has been one of the most bizarre subplots of this nightmare we can’t seem to pinch ourselves out of.
So, while Melania Trump is perhaps not as shitty as many of the crooks, Nazis, and Nazi crooks who inhabit her dirtbag husband’s world, she manages to impressively shitty in her own right.
When you worked for Akin, things weren’t simple
Cuz he got caught on tape
With legitimate rape
Senior Advisor for Policy
Why is it always the shittiest imaginable white dudes who turn out to be white supremacists?
Stephen Miller, who started balding eleven seconds after his conception, has by all accounts been a sack of monkey shit pretty much every single minute of his life.
Director of Communications
Oh wow, this new Communications Director looks like a real character, huh?
Where to begin? Ok, Anthony Scaramucci first came to –
Wait, what? Really?
White Supremacist Multi-Tool
Kris Kobach is like the protagonist of the white supremacist version of one of those Disney movies where a kid learns to chase his dreams, no matter how big. The kid gets tired of the monotonous grind of burning crosses on just one lawn at a time, and dreams of burning a cross big enough for the whole dang country!
Maybe he has a talking/singing Confederate flag for a sidekick. Named “Bedford.”
Roving Freelance Fascist
As seen in the famed documentary RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK, when the Ark of the Covenant was opened on an uncharted island north of Crete, the burning light that issued thereof reduced the Nazi soldiers present to piles of ash and molten flesh. In time, the rains washed the fascist bio-goo into the island’s sewage system, where it mixed with the shit and piss and used tampons and such, and in time it congealed, took the shape of a man (albeit an unattractive one), slapped on a pair of glasses, and Sebastian Gorka was formed.
Speaker of the House
Paul Ryan was cloned from a single pubic hair plucked from Ayn Rand post-coitus and grown in a still in Charles Koch’s back yard.
Senate Majority Leader
Many years ago, Gamera was following the Grateful Dead on tour, and engaged in a brief-but-life-affirming affair with an Ohio River ‘gator that hung around Ma McConnell’s pig farm, picking off runts for sustenance. Nine months later, young Mitch emerged from a leathery egg, and devoured his fellow hatchlings, beginning his life-long love affair with hurting children.
Susan Collins is How It Happens Here, folks.
She’s supposed to be the rational centrist. The one who stands up to the increasingly-rabid gaggle of turd-spewing hyenas known as the Republican Party when they go too far. That’s whole point of Susan Collins. It’s the brand she’s been selling the people of Maine for years.
Anybody wondering if the GOP is still the party of Lincoln gets their answer whenever they take in James Daniel Jordan’s tension-racked, jacketless frame as he does his “indignant soccer dad demands to see a manager” routine during a committee hearing. Lincoln? That ship has sailed, caught fire, sunk, and been overrun by sea slugs and the ghosts of unusually shitty pirates. Sorry.
Official Sponsors of American Fascism
Chuck and Davey Koch decided that popping out of a rich lady’s vagina gave them the right to reshape the world however they saw fit, hurting whoever they wanted to in the process, and since the fundamental driving impulse of your average Republican politician is to sell out to the highest bidder, they haven’t exactly been proven wrong.
Congratulations to the Victims of Hurricane Maria, You’ve Been Upgraded from “Tragically, Senselessly Killed” to “Non-Existent”
Reading the news in the morning is like getting shaken awake by carnies, who proceed to shove you against your will into the human cannonball, then blast you face-first into a septic tank. Over and over. Every damn day. It wouldn’t be so bad if they’d let you have a helmet.
Before we dive in, check out Cap’s Action Guide for the Goddamn Midterms real quick. We’ve added a fun little map to facilitate navigation. It’s crunch time, friends. Get in the fight!
Well, the Marmalade Shartcannon continues to melt down over the identity of the anonymous NYT op-ed writer. He keeps trying to shake the truth from his staff, but since he can’t actually grasp any lapels with his tiny, inadequate hands, he’s provoking more laughter than fear. Which you’d think he’d be used to by now.
Let it never be said that our ol’ chum Paul Manafort isn’t an optimist. Word on the street is, he’s trying to get a plea deal from Bodacious Bob Mueller, but he wants one where he doesn’t have to cooperate with other investigations. Heh. Obviously he learned negotiating from the Shart of the Deal himself. “Hey, how ’bout you let me off the hook in exchange for nothing” isn’t how this shit works.
(UPDATE: While I was drinking, er…”writing” news broke that Precocious Paul did indeed strike a plea deal with the Bobadook. Will we learn more details before I get this post up? Fuck, I don’t know. Google shit for yourselves sometimes, SHEEPLE!)
Always a pleasure to read “Betsy DeVos loses” in the headlines, ain’t it? Though we might pause to wonder why it takes a lawsuit from 19 different Attorneys General to force the Secretary of Education to protect American citizens who’ve been defrauded by predatory for-profit “colleges.” I feel like I may’ve read something like “of, by, and for the people” somewhere. A bathroom stall, probably.
Misshapen, Barely-Sentient, Homunculus Eric Trump went on Fux Nooz to demonstrate that white supremacy is so deeply ingrained in his family that they casually fling around the language of the vilest 4chan boards without even noticing. “Extra shekels.” Jesus. The way it rolled right off his forked little tongue. Like something he says all the damn time. What awful, awful people they are.
And hey, it wouldn’t be a day ending in “y” if I didn’t have a couple stories about GOP officials cavorting with known mega-bigots. For example, Anti-Cantaloupe RageYokel Steve King is out there retweeting white nationalists again, ironically while whining about how everybody keeps calling him racist.
Oh, and a couple of CongressJags got caught partying with a Holocaust denier, but don’t tell Steve King cuz he’ll get pissed he wasn’t invited. Why yes, the CongressJags in question are unusually vigorous Drumpf supporters, why do you ask? Matt Gaetz and Dana Rohrabacher, who knew? They seemed like such nice boys, if you ignore the treason and the seething resentment.
Senator Susan Collins, who has never said a harsh word about the Kochs or Adelsons or Mercers of the world, is curiously irate about a grassroots campaign that’s compiling pledges to fund her 2020 opponent should she carry her Gosh I Just Don’t Think That Nice Kavanaugh Boy Would Overturn Roe v Wade Even Though He’s Wearing a “Roe v Wade Suxx” T-Shirt act to fruition and vote to confirm the bastard.
“It’s a bribe!” declared Collins, clutching the pearls she purchased with a small fraction of the millions of dollars worth of Super PAC donations she’s received over the years which are somehow not bribes for reasons which are unclear to your humble blogger.
I’m personally grateful for Susan Sarandon’s latest batch of self-righteous, tone-deaf, walking-personification-of-rich-white-lady-privilege drivel. Since I spend so much of my time angry at the villainous idiocy of the right, it’s kinda refreshing to get angry at the villainous idiocy of someone on the left for a change. Variety truly is the spice of life.
Seems Montana Senator-wannabe Matt Rosendale caught got making out with the NRA under the bleachers after school, in defiance of campaign finance laws. Hmmm. Disregard for the rule of law? Obedient special interest lapdog? All-too-willing tool of the murder lobby? Yeah, Rosendale would fit right in with the Senate GOP. Let’s make sure he doesn’t get the chance, huh?
You might forgive the Turdwaffle Administration for abandoning efforts to, say, bring manufacturing jobs back to the Heartland, or give Americans better health care, cuz just like a little kid who neglects his other toys when he gets an XBox, they’re REALLY enamored with this whole Throwing Immigrant Kids Into Cages thing.
You could say they’re obsessed with it. They’re skipping their homework (shit like teaching the President how time zones work) to throw every child they can get their hands on into prison. The U.S. government is now detaining at least 12,800 children, a fivefold increase from last year. While our current government isn’t very good at making anyone’s life better, you have to admit they have a talent for evil.
And imprisoning children doesn’t seem to come cheap. I’m just talking monetary terms here, let’s ignore the ever-expanding blight on any human soul associated with this monstrosity. Even after going through Stephen Miller’s sofa cushions for spare change, these scumfucks came up short, so they decided to raid some other agencies’ budgets. Agencies like the Coast Guard. And FEMA. Not like it’s hurricane season or anything. Look, little kids aren’t gonna lock THEMSELVES in cages, amiright? AMIRIGHT?
Tired of media criticism over his homicidal neglect of post-Maria Puerto Rico, Government Cheese Goebbels decided to get proactive, and turn a negative into a positive! “Finally, a Holocaust of my very own to deny!”
Yes, the unforgivable death toll in Puerto Rico is a false flag libtard snowflake conspiracy to make Lil’ Donnie Two-Scoops look bad. That was the unspeakably inhuman tweeter tantrum America woke up to today.
Good gravy, I’m tired of this foul, foul, old man. This tar-souled hate-monger with a stale, cat-turd-filled do-nut where most men have a heart. This decency-sucking black hole whose reflexive instinct for atrocity degrades my beloved country more and more every day.
And even more than that, I’m sick of the contemptible Republicans in Congress, all too happy to watch everything good about America burn to ash on the off chance the electorate lets them get away with it, but still scrambling to pack the courts as fast as their withered old white guy bones will allow them, just in case we don’t.
Shit’s potentially getting real on the Kavanaugh front, with Senator Diane Feinstein and Representative Anna G. Eshoo passing a mysterious letter on to the FBI for investigation.
What does the letter say? My first thought, of course, was that it contained evidence that Kavanaugh killed Mr Boddy in the study with the candlestick, but rumors are flying that it’s an accusation of sexual impropriety.
I dunno. I just find it hard to believe that Team Shart would field a candidate for such an important post without conducting diligent vetting first.
…I wrote that sentence with a straight face. Promise.
Fuck, y’all. Shit be cray. I can’t handle any more of this. To that end, I’m gonna be out of the loop for a bit, taking a much needed weekend off to attend Riot Fest. Hey, somebody teach Rick Santorum elementary school geography while I’m gone, ‘kay?