Mike Pence is the Patron Saint of Mediocre White Dudes, and the Roman God of Failing Upwards.
A Democrat in his youth, Pence, like many men of limited intelligence, turned to religious conservatism for the convenience of being able to end arguments by claiming God shares his every fear and prejudice, while forgiving his every shortcoming, how convenient.
Secretary of State
Over the course of three decades, Rex Tillerson fucked, bribed, and murdered his way to the top of Exxon Mobil, like some sort of jowlsy Eva Peron.
Secretary of the Treasury
Steve Mnuchin, like his namesake, the Noise You Make When You’re Dry Heaving After Getting Food Poisoning From Eating Truck Stop Gas Station Roller Hot Pockets on a Road Trip, is deeply unpleasant, and may result in the involuntary voiding of foul-smelling bodily fluids.
Secretary of Defense
Chief of Staff
National Security Advisor
Holy shit, there are Generals all over the place these days, aren’t there?
Retired General James Mattis serves as Secretary of Defense. Retired General John Kelly ran Homeland Security for a bit, before becoming the Lead Executive Branch Babysitter, excuse me, Chief of Staff. H.R. McMaster’s the National Security Advisor, and hell, he’s still on active duty.
Jefferson Beauregard Sessions, third generation of his family to carry the name of a Confedarate piece of trash and also a second Confederate piece of trash, is living his dream. As Velveeta Goebbels’ Attorney General, he’s turning back the clock to a time when women and minorities knew their place, and mediocre white dudes like himself got to run everything, even if they weren’t especially bright.
Ryan Zinke is like if the crappiest robot in Westworld escaped and jumped into conservative politics. He’s such a cartoon cowboy, I bet his right boot says “Andy” on the bottom.
Secretary of Commerce
When a witch’s curse transformed his master into a Beast and his fellow servants into household objects, Wilbur Ross became a decorative garden gnome. Unlike the rest of his compatriots, he ventured out into the world to make his fortune in the realm of shady international finance and money laundering, and when True Love’s Kiss lifted the curse, Wilbur was too far away for the enchantment to reverse, and thus he remains trapped in gnome form forever.
Secretary of Health and Human Services
If the Hippocratic Oath is binding in any sort of spiritual sense, Tom Price is royally fucked, y’all. There is some straight Dante shit awaitin’ him in the afterlife.
Secretary of Housing and Urban Development
Dr. Ben Carson is only in politics because he was rude President Obama to his face. At the 2013 National Prayer Breakfast, a traditionally non-political event, Dr. Ben, having been invited as the keynote speaker, decided to use his time to shit on the President and his policies.
Secretary of Education
Betsy DeVos is what happens when bored white ladies have enough money to really fuck shit up. Turns out, if you’re born rich and marry richer, you don’t have to settle for a book club, you can buy yourself a whole cabinet department!
Administrator of the EPA
Scott Pruitt, like a lot of boys his age, grew up watching Captain Planet cartoons. Unlike most boys his age, he decided that the various sludge-smog-and-toxic-waste-slinging villains were the role models for him.
Ok, fine. Pruitt is ten years too old to have grown up on Captain Planet, but fuck you, that’s a good opening paragraph. Make your own fucking website, you don’t like it.
Chief of Staff
Nobody wants to be Reince Priebus when they grow up. He’s just so immediately recognizable as a weaselly little tapeworm of a man, y’know?
Reince Priebus is the sort of person who would be played by Brad Dourif in a film.
Steve Bannon played Bob Ewell in a high school production of To Kill a Mockingbird, and liked it so much he decided to stay in the character for the rest of his life.
A self-described Leninist, and an outspoken populist*, Bannon wants to kidney-punch the administrative state, give it a wedgie, and steal its lunch money.
Jared Kushner was born on third base and thinks he invented baseball.
Jared’s dad, Charles Kushner, went to jail for tax evasion, illegal campaign donations, and, ahem, “witness tampering,” by which I mean he set his brother-in-law up with a hooker (not, I’m sad to report, of the Pissing Russian variety) and recorded their genital-smushing in order to blackmail him.
When you worked for Akin, things weren’t simple
Cuz he got caught on tape
With legitimate rape
Senior Advisor for Policy
Why is it always the shittiest imaginable white dudes who turn out to be white supremacists?
Stephen Miller, who started balding eleven seconds after his conception, has by all accounts been a sack of monkey shit pretty much every single minute of his life.
Director of Communications
Oh wow, this new Communications Director looks like a real character, huh?
Where to begin? Ok, Anthony Scaramucci first came to –
Wait, what? Really?
White Supremacist Multi-Tool
Kris Kobach is like the protagonist of the white supremacist version of one of those Disney movies where a kid learns to chase his dreams, no matter how big. The kid gets tired of the monotonous grind of burning crosses on just one lawn at a time, and dreams of burning a cross big enough for the whole dang country!
Maybe he has a talking/singing Confederate flag for a sidekick. Named “Bedford.”
Roving Freelance Fascist
As seen in the famed documentary RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK, when the Ark of the Covenant was opened on an uncharted island north of Crete, the burning light that issued thereof reduced the Nazi soldiers present to piles of ash and molten flesh. In time, the rains washed the fascist bio-goo into the island’s sewage system, where it mixed with the shit and piss and used tampons and such, and in time it congealed, took the shape of a man (albeit an unattractive one), slapped on a pair of glasses, and Sebastian Gorka was formed.
Speaker of the House
Paul Ryan was cloned from a single pubic hair plucked from Ayn Rand post-coitus and grown in a still in Charles Koch’s back yard.
Senate Majority Leader
Many years ago, Gamera was following the Grateful Dead on tour, and engaged in a brief-but-life-affirming affair with an Ohio River ‘gator that hung around Ma McConnell’s pig farm, picking off runts for sustenance. Nine months later, young Mitch emerged from a leathery egg, and devoured his fellow hatchlings, beginning his life-long love affair with hurting children.
The Corker Kickback, Pruitt Paranoia, CDC Censorship, & Other Madness
I know I say that Shit Be Cray all the time, but I ask you…with a historically unpopular GOP on the brink of passing a historically unpopular tax bill on behalf of a so-historically-unpopular-we’d-rather-have-Ebola President, can you honestly claim we’re living in rational times?
Word is, once his Paying Poor People For Work Was A Mistake in the First Place, So Let’s See What We Can Do About That bill passes, he will gaze out upon his country, at the millions whose path out of poverty he’s just walled off, and say “My work here is done! Yea, though the social safety net was my own ladder to success, finally have I set that ladder ablaze! I’ve got mine, bitches!” and then he can drift away to spend the money he just redistributed to himself.
Ryan’ll probably build a giant hedge maze, where he’ll spend his leisure time pitting working single mothers against one another in races to the death, with life-saving medicine for their children as the prize.
WaPo dropped a hilariously depressing deep dive into how the Accidental Poosquirt’s fragile ego prevents the nation from addressing Russian interference in our democracy, and thus from subverting future attacks.
Oh, what wondrous times we live in, where the crippling insecurities of one inadequately-digited buffoon threaten the safety of an entire nation! Excuse me, I need to spike my eggnog with something a little stronger. Like maybe ether.
Anyhow, the article goes on to talk about how pleased Vlad Putin is with fucking America up via getting a Rancid Chef Boyardee Ravioli elected President, and also how SCROTUS’ intelligence briefers distract him with hand puppets and Arby’s sliders when discussing Russia, so as to avoid a tantrum.
And everybody’s talking about the hot new YouTube star, judge wannabe Matthew Peterson, nominated for a lifetime appointment by the cud-brained morons running our government. The video’s really somethin’, folks. Increasingly dismayed Senators cycle through the most basic legal questions they can think to ask, stuff a first year law student or even a zealous Sam Waterston fan could handle, and young Matt can’t answer a single one. Take the following exchange:
Sen. John Kennedy: “Could you, if pressured, locate your own dick?”
Peterson: “No, sir.”
K: “What if you had a map? Could you find your own dick with a map?”
P: “That’s really not something I’ve been called on to do in my current post, Senator.”
Betsy DeVos‘ Secret Santa got her a couple of shiny new lawsuits, yay! The DeVostator cannot be pestered to do her job, you peons! So what if you were defrauded by a predatory, phony, for-profit, “university?” How’s an unqualified rich lady supposed to advance God’s kingdom with all these whiny takers nipping at her (thousand-dollar) heels?
Having been thoroughly humiliated at the hands of minority voters in Alabama earlier this week, the Shart House announced their plans to turn around their colossally, historically, like-the-lead-singer-of-Nickleback-driving-an-Edsel-full-of-New-Coke approval numbers by…demonizing minorities! More than usual. On purpose. Because strategy.
President Skidmark didn’t hesitate to do his part; when it comes to stirring up the petty fears and hatreds of shitty white people, well, business and pleasure overlap. The world sends America only their worst, he bellowed, the thieves and murderers, gang members and Dane Cook fans.
The Festering Hemorrhoid threw in a casual line about maybe pardoning Mike “The Turkish Delight” Flynn, because who doesn’t like witness tampering, and also I guess ‘cuz no one around him has bothered to sit him down and define “obstruction of justice” with any clarity.
Anyway, while Pumpkin Spice Pol Pot bellows about foreigners, American terrorists keep stubbornly insisting on being pro-Trump white supremacist losers, like the kid who shot up a school in New Mexico last week. How you can claim to be part of a master race when you still live with your parents escapes me.
And to think, some are claiming racism was a factor in Drumpf’s election.
Roy Moore still won’t concede the Alabama Senate race, lurking outside the courthouse like…well, like Younger Roy Moore trolling for the vulnerable children of divorcing parents.
The Washington Post reminded us that the federal government has essentially abandoned the people of Puerto Rico to suffer without power, because their skin is brown and their President is a raging racist shitbag. No jokes in this paragraph, because nothing’s funny.
Hey, Scott Pruitt has been putting your taxpayer cash to good use, paying an opposition research firm to root out dirty deep state gremlins in the EPA. Who’s he after? Filthy Resisters with traitorous beliefs like “the environment should be protected, and probably by us, what with the name of our agency and all.”
I’ll bet ya a shiny new dime Pruitt’s gone full Howard Hughes in that soundproof wankoff booth of his. Sits in there is a pool of his own filth, screaming at the voices in his head telling him to recycle stuff, like a common libtard cuck.
The dude responsible for the FCC’s repeal of net neutrality rules had amusing little troll at the expense of the overwhelming majority of Americans who opposed the move, engaging in an outdated fad dance alongside a known pizzagate conspiracy theorist.
Have your fun, bro. The net neutrality decision will send millions to the polls, and your life’s work, as a willing toady of ISP megacorporations, will be undone forever by February 2021.
Princess Ivanka, chased out of most retail outlets by a wave of American decency, opened up a shop of her own in Daddy’s building, where she’ll have better access to her target audience; those desperate to bribe her infinitely bribable father.
Oh, and the Drumpf family doesn’t even know how to vote. I swear, these people must be so inspirational to the dumb and angry. You too, can do anything you want, even become President, in spite of what ought to be debilitating mental deficiencies…so long as your father is rich enough.
The GOP finally congealed like so much Hamburger Helper grease around their Who Will Think of the Already Obscenely Wealthy tax reform bill, but the road to passage has not lacked for drama.
Marco Rubio stood briefly in the road to say “Halt! Gentleman and Barely-Tolerated Token Ladies of the GOP! What about the CHILDREN? Surely as we shovel untold millions into our aristocrat masters’ pockets, we can carve out some savings for the poor, trod-upon, working folk and their children? You shall not have my vote without it!”
And John Cornyn said, “Eh, let’s give ’em enough for one tank of gas per month,” and Marco said “Good enough for me!”
Meanwhile CHIP remains unrenewed, with funding running out in some states beginning in January, in spite of the efforts of that Mighty Champion of Children, Senator Rubio.
Bob Corker, too, stood astride the Road to Passage, and said “I will not vote for this bill, for it violates my deepest-held, my most sacred principles, and if a man holds not to his principles…can you call him a man?”
Then, in return for precisely jack shit, Corker proclaimed “Just kidding! Voting for it after all!” Any future monuments to Senator Corker should be unusually flimsy weathervanes.
Well, maybe I shouldn’t say Bob didn’t get ANYTHING, he seems to be one of the many GOP CongressGrifters to benefit personally from a last-minute provision in their “reform” bill. But all that shit about deficits? Yeah, that was as disappointingly hollow as that gigantic chocolate bunny your parents got you for Easter.
If you need a port in the shitstorm, at least we won another one in court. Despite the best efforts of the President of the United States, women can still get birth control, whether or not their employer thinks they are dirty hos for wanting it.
The President broke precedent and refused to extend the ACA enrollment deadline, because he doesn’t want Americans to have health care. HA HA HA CAP WHAT A FUNNY JOKE WHY WOULD THE PRESIDENT WANT HIS CONSTITUENTS TO DIE THAT IS SILLY.
Going for a corner space in Authoritarian Tic-Tac-Toe, the Shart administration issued the CDC a list of verboten words, like “transgender,” “diversity” and “science-based.” My sources inform me this is a trial balloon for future Orwellian bans on words and phrases like “Impeachment,” “Emoluments Clause,” and “Holy shit the President’s ass looks like Moby Dick in those golf pants.”
Saturday evening, word leaked that Righteous Robert Mueller had gained access to all of Team Shart’s emails from the transition (this in addition to seeking communications from Cambridge Analytica), even the ones where Jared begs Ivanka to please please touch his wiener, just a little bit, it’s been so very long and it’s his birthday and you promised, goddammit.
Now, the Shartkins had turned over a handful of transition e-mails previously, but did not seem pleased to learn the investigation had ALL of them, especially after so many high ranking officials have testified under oath, and thus likely perjured themselves.
They claimed executive privilege, which of course they didn’t have, this being the transition, not the administration. Oh, and the e-mails in question were sent from .gov addresses, which come with a big fat warning that says they’re government records and therefore no right to privacy can be expected. Still, they’re crying that SOMETHING illegal happened, and hey, Sean Hannity and Jeanine Pirro will be all too happy to parrot the lie.
And I see Treasury Secretary Mnuchin popped up on the Sunday Shoz to lie about some stuff. The tax bill raises taxes on the wealthy, and the Mueller probe will end soon, and the next Transformers movie will win Best Picture. He’s a real cut-up, that Mnuchbag.
Also, it seems like Sharty McFly and Uncle Vlad are closer than ever! They talk on the phone all the time now, gossiping about who gets to sit next to them at the next international summit, and Angela Merkel’s terrible shoes.
Interesting times, Resisters. Hey, if you’ve read this far, I hope you’ll click here and join me in signing up for updates from the Mueller Firing Rapid Response team. I hope it won’t be necessary, but…let’s be ready just in case.