Mike Pence is the Patron Saint of Mediocre White Dudes, and the Roman God of Failing Upwards.
A Democrat in his youth, Pence, like many men of limited intelligence, turned to religious conservatism for the convenience of being able to end arguments by claiming God shares his every fear and prejudice, while forgiving his every shortcoming, how convenient.
Secretary of State
Mike Pompeo is one of those performatively pious fake Christians who loves using his loudly-claimed-but-seldom-followed faith like a cudgel while ignoring every single word of the actual Bible, including “and” and “the.”
Secretary of State
Over the course of three decades, Rex Tillerson fucked, bribed, and murdered his way to the top of Exxon Mobil, like some sort of jowlsy Eva Peron.
William Barr actually taught me a valuable lesson. See, I didn’t look too closely at Bill when he was nominated to be Attorney General. After Jeff “Too Racist for the 80’s” Sessions and the masculine toilet guy, honestly, he looked like a nice, refreshing, safe, traditional Republican. An institutionalist who could bring a little much-needed stability.
And then he turned out to be a fascist, and one of the most dangerous enemies of democracy in American history. Whoops. My bad.
Secretary of the Treasury
Steve Mnuchin, like his namesake, the Noise You Make When You’re Dry Heaving After Getting Food Poisoning From Eating Truck Stop Gas Station Roller Hot Pockets on a Road Trip, is deeply unpleasant, and may result in the involuntary voiding of foul-smelling bodily fluids.
Secretary of Defense
Chief of Staff
National Security Advisor
Holy shit, there are Generals all over the place these days, aren’t there?
Retired General James Mattis serves as Secretary of Defense. Retired General John Kelly ran Homeland Security for a bit, before becoming the Lead Executive Branch Babysitter, excuse me, Chief of Staff. H.R. McMaster’s the National Security Advisor, and hell, he’s still on active duty.
Jefferson Beauregard Sessions, third generation of his family to carry the name of a Confedarate piece of trash and also a second Confederate piece of trash, is living his dream. As Velveeta Goebbels’ Attorney General, he’s turning back the clock to a time when women and minorities knew their place, and mediocre white dudes like himself got to run everything, even if they weren’t especially bright.
Ryan Zinke is like if the crappiest robot in Westworld escaped and jumped into conservative politics. He’s such a cartoon cowboy, I bet his right boot says “Andy” on the bottom.
Secretary of Commerce
When a witch’s curse transformed his master into a Beast and his fellow servants into household objects, Wilbur Ross became a decorative garden gnome. Unlike the rest of his compatriots, he ventured out into the world to make his fortune in the realm of shady international finance and money laundering, and when True Love’s Kiss lifted the curse, Wilbur was too far away for the enchantment to reverse, and thus he remains trapped in gnome form forever.
Secretary of Health and Human Services
If the Hippocratic Oath is binding in any sort of spiritual sense, Tom Price is royally fucked, y’all. There is some straight Dante shit awaitin’ him in the afterlife.
Secretary of Housing and Urban Development
Dr. Ben Carson is only in politics because he was rude President Obama to his face. At the 2013 National Prayer Breakfast, a traditionally non-political event, Dr. Ben, having been invited as the keynote speaker, decided to use his time to shit on the President and his policies.
Secretary of Education
Betsy DeVos is what happens when bored white ladies have enough money to really fuck shit up. Turns out, if you’re born rich and marry richer, you don’t have to settle for a book club, you can buy yourself a whole cabinet department!
Administrator of the EPA
Scott Pruitt, like a lot of boys his age, grew up watching Captain Planet cartoons. Unlike most boys his age, he decided that the various sludge-smog-and-toxic-waste-slinging villains were the role models for him.
Ok, fine. Pruitt is ten years too old to have grown up on Captain Planet, but fuck you, that’s a good opening paragraph. Make your own fucking website, you don’t like it.
Chief of Staff
Nobody wants to be Reince Priebus when they grow up. He’s just so immediately recognizable as a weaselly little tapeworm of a man, y’know?
Reince Priebus is the sort of person who would be played by Brad Dourif in a film.
Steve Bannon played Bob Ewell in a high school production of To Kill a Mockingbird, and liked it so much he decided to stay in the character for the rest of his life.
A self-described Leninist, and an outspoken populist*, Bannon wants to kidney-punch the administrative state, give it a wedgie, and steal its lunch money.
Jared Kushner was born on third base and thinks he invented baseball.
Jared’s dad, Charles Kushner, went to jail for tax evasion, illegal campaign donations, and, ahem, “witness tampering,” by which I mean he set his brother-in-law up with a hooker (not, I’m sad to report, of the Pissing Russian variety) and recorded their genital-smushing in order to blackmail him.
Daddy’s Little Girl
Ivanka Trump is what happens when you cross Gwyneth Paltrow with Mussolini’s dumbest, laziest aide-de-camp. Watching her try to sell her father’s fascism as some sort of pro-woman lifestyle brand, marketed in the sickliest imaginable shade of pink, has been one of the most bizarre subplots of this nightmare we can’t seem to pinch ourselves out of.
So, while Melania Trump is perhaps not as shitty as many of the crooks, Nazis, and Nazi crooks who inhabit her dirtbag husband’s world, she manages to impressively shitty in her own right.
When you worked for Akin, things weren’t simple
Cuz he got caught on tape
With legitimate rape
Senior Advisor for Policy
Why is it always the shittiest imaginable white dudes who turn out to be white supremacists?
Stephen Miller, who started balding eleven seconds after his conception, has by all accounts been a sack of monkey shit pretty much every single minute of his life.
Director of Communications
Oh wow, this new Communications Director looks like a real character, huh?
Where to begin? Ok, Anthony Scaramucci first came to –
Wait, what? Really?
White Supremacist Multi-Tool
Kris Kobach is like the protagonist of the white supremacist version of one of those Disney movies where a kid learns to chase his dreams, no matter how big. The kid gets tired of the monotonous grind of burning crosses on just one lawn at a time, and dreams of burning a cross big enough for the whole dang country!
Maybe he has a talking/singing Confederate flag for a sidekick. Named “Bedford.”
Roving Freelance Fascist
As seen in the famed documentary RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK, when the Ark of the Covenant was opened on an uncharted island north of Crete, the burning light that issued thereof reduced the Nazi soldiers present to piles of ash and molten flesh. In time, the rains washed the fascist bio-goo into the island’s sewage system, where it mixed with the shit and piss and used tampons and such, and in time it congealed, took the shape of a man (albeit an unattractive one), slapped on a pair of glasses, and Sebastian Gorka was formed.
Speaker of the House
Paul Ryan was cloned from a single pubic hair plucked from Ayn Rand post-coitus and grown in a still in Charles Koch’s back yard.
Senate Majority Leader
Many years ago, Gamera was following the Grateful Dead on tour, and engaged in a brief-but-life-affirming affair with an Ohio River ‘gator that hung around Ma McConnell’s pig farm, picking off runts for sustenance. Nine months later, young Mitch emerged from a leathery egg, and devoured his fellow hatchlings, beginning his life-long love affair with hurting children.
Susan Collins is How It Happens Here, folks.
She’s supposed to be the rational centrist. The one who stands up to the increasingly-rabid gaggle of turd-spewing hyenas known as the Republican Party when they go too far. That’s whole point of Susan Collins. It’s the brand she’s been selling the people of Maine for years.
Anybody wondering if the GOP is still the party of Lincoln gets their answer whenever they take in James Daniel Jordan’s tension-racked, jacketless frame as he does his “indignant soccer dad demands to see a manager” routine during a committee hearing. Lincoln? That ship has sailed, caught fire, sunk, and been overrun by sea slugs and the ghosts of unusually shitty pirates. Sorry.
Official Sponsors of American Fascism
Chuck and Davey Koch decided that popping out of a rich lady’s vagina gave them the right to reshape the world however they saw fit, hurting whoever they wanted to in the process, and since the fundamental driving impulse of your average Republican politician is to sell out to the highest bidder, they haven’t exactly been proven wrong.
Coronavirus, Michael Caputo, & Other Things That Are Trying to Kill Us All
I’ve certainly developed greater empathy for every old-witch-who-lives-in-the-woods/crazy-old-man-in-a-shack-outside-town I’ve ever encountered in fiction, now that I too spend my days in twitchy solitude, cackling to myself at seemingly random intervals. 2020 will make mad hermits of us all, surely.
Bob Woodward continues the promotional striptease for his forthcoming book, RAGE, like some Victorian harlot flashing a lil’ ankle right in the public square in front of God and everybody. His latest bit of audio titillation further confirms that the truth about COVID-19’s deadliness did indeed penetrate President Dotard’s cracked walnut brain, meaning, again, he lied while we died in droves. What’s surprising to me here is that there are still folks who expect him to demonstrate basic human decency, or even normal human emotions, when everything we know about the man tells us that no life outside his own matters to him even slightly. Yes, that is a rather undesirable leadership trait, I quite agree.
A really fun theme this week is Republican Calls For Violence Against Democrats. If Republican Calls For Violence Against Democrats were something delightfully collectible, like Beanie Babies or Pokémon, wow, everyone would be rejoicing in their bountiful good fortune right now. Regrettably, it’s more of a death-throes-of-a-proto-fascist-movement-facing-electoral-defeat-and-trying-to-decide-how-willing-it-is-to-commit-mass-murder-in-order-to-survive kind of thing, so it’s really much less adorable than the aforementioned scenarios.
Naturally, Hairplug Himmler himself is hardly shy about busting out the old stochastic terror bullhorn, casually endorsing the concept of extra-judicial killings as justified “retribution,” and between his instinctive vindictiveness and persistently awful swing state polling, I wonder how long we have until he abandons traditional GOTV efforts in favor of tweeting at his waiting mob that the time has finally come to burn down any house with a Biden sign on the lawn?
Roger Stone’s certainly all for it, calling for martial law, because I guess his custom-made, get-out-of-treason free card isn’t enough for him, he wants to see the whole fucking country burn for having the audacity to enforce its laws on his wrinkly white ass in the first place. Such is the indignant fury of the aging white nationalist; Roger would rather destroy the American experiment for all the generations yet to come than share the slightest bit of it for the handful of years remaining to him.
And Stoney’s pal, Michael Caputo, made history by becoming the first HHS assistant secretary of public affairs ever to incite violence against political opponents in a conspiracy-theory-filled social media breakdown that would make Sam Nunberg blush, news of which came hot on the heels of accusations that he’s altered CDC coronavirus reports for political purposes, endangering American lives just so Donald Trump can keep his weekend golf grift going, and this dude STILL has not been fired. I feel like we should’ve looked at the fine print on that “Best People” deal.
Anyway, if you’re somehow not fully satiated, as far as articles about wingnut lunatics trying to get you and your loved ones killed are concerned…I mean, the supply chain remains intact, it would seem.
I confess I’d be more worried about this slobbering death cult, if they didn’t seem so much more focused on and efficient at destroying themselves. There are apparently not enough Herman Cain funerals in the world to convince these brainwashed creeps to stop gathering together in crowds to offer themselves up to the coronavirus like so many dumbfuck full-sized Snickers to America’s most lethal novel trick-or-treater. (Fun fact: a group of Trump supporters is called an “outbreak.”)
Because yes, still, in defiance of local laws, medical advice, and common fucking sense, Shart Garfunkel gathers his shitty flock wherever and whenever he can, including at one very illegal stop in Nevada over the weekend. You can question the political wisdom of killing off your most fervent supporters right before an election, but if you look deep into his eyes while he’s delivering one of his mendacious little rants, you can see what it’s all about: “Look Dad, they’re willing to die for me! Not so unworthy of love now, am I? AM I?”
Wildfire season is always difficult, but things get infinitely more complicated under a resentment-driven president who views crises in blue states primarily as opportunities to torment people who didn’t vote for him. The demented fuck actually flew out to California to lecture local officials, and I suppose it shouldn’t surprise anyone that the mind that came up with EUREKA! WE’LL ALL JUST DRINK BLEACH! would also believe that trees can explode.
Turns out Louis DeJoy wasn’t taking any chances in his quest to buy his way into the Turd Reich; he dropped $600,000 in political contributions once he heard the Postmaster General gig opened up. In a way, I almost can’t fault Louis; if I had that kind of scratch, I’d be fulfilling my childhood dreams, too, it’s just mine would involve making really pretentious art films starring myself while Louis seems to want to participate in the overthrow of American democracy.
The periodic self-owning hijinks of the absolutely unteachable grifter duo of Jacob Wohl and Jack Burkman make me wonder if a higher power, some sort of godlike scriptwriter who appreciates the necessity of regular comic relief, hasn’t been carefully shaping this hellscape all along for its own amusement. Anyway, these assclowns staged a fake FBI raid on themselves, because while Cult45 seeks to institutionalize white supremacy, they’d never accept it unless they still got to cling to the whinging sense of victimhood which is so essential to their identity.
We’ve been talking a great deal about climate change this week, with Smilin’ Joe Biden giving the latest in a serious of calmly effective little speeches, reminding the electorate that of their two choices, he is the one who lives in reality, rather than a dirtbag rich boy’s Fantasia where an offstage pile of Daddy’s Money makes every obstacle mysteriously vanish.
That’s really and truly the entire Trump plan for the great existential crisis facing humanity. The problem will, with absolutely no exertion on his part, simply cease to be a problem. 200,000 graves into the coronavirus outbreak, and his faith in his ability to will catastrophe into nonexistence remains bafflingly unshaken.
Look, times are tight, and I had to furlough Bill at the Abject Horror Desk, though frankly, he looked like he could use the rest, which is really saying something considering he’s a literary device that exists nowhere outside this blog. But there are some stories where abject horror is the only appropriate emotional response, so…
Bill at the Abject Horror Desk: According to a whistleblower, the United States government is perpetrating some deeply horrific shit at ICE detention facilities, including forced hysterectomies, which is…let’s not fuck around: it’s Nazi shit. And we’ve been tightrope-walking along that gruesome line for quite some time now, but sterilizing human beings without consent is convene-the-war-crimes-tribunal-level stuff.
Bill at the Abject Horror Desk: This is one of those “it’s happening here” stories. It’s not the first, of course. I certainly hope it’s among the last, because a second Trump term is looking more and more like an audition to be counted alongside human history’s greatest evils, and while I do not agree with 100% of his platform, I just think Vice President Biden is a better option for America at this time.
Fucking hell. If I can humbly offer a glimmer of good news in the midst of the atrocity, the battle for a much-needed peaceful transition of power is going about as well as we could hope for. Bakery fresh polling shows Tangerine Idi Amin’s desperate ploy to win back the suburbs through violence and fear has failed, thank all the gods in all the heavens. And hey, if you require sprinkles on your already-scrumptious Democracy Cupcake, know that multiple last-minute attempts to sneak the ratfucking Green Party onto crucial swing state ballots have recently failed in court.
(To the Greens…personally, I can think of more effective ways of fighting for progressive outcomes than serving as willing pawns to a would-be American Hitler, but far be it from me to counsel against repeating tragic mistakes.)
If you’d told me four years ago that the day would come when I would take no pleasure in the misfortunes of John Bolton, I’d have assumed somebody was destined to give me a kitten named “John Bolton” as a joke, which would actually be pretty damn funny, but here in the Shittiest of All Possible Timelines what happened is, the Justice Department opened an investigation into Murderstache’s recent tell-all, as part of Redactor General William Barr’s ongoing corruption of our institutions of law, which is bad for Bolton, yes, but much worse for our poor, battered country, so no, there is no joy to be taken from John-John’s tribulations; truly, fascists ruin absolutely everything.
Well, thank god it’s Friday, anyhow. “But Cap, it’s only Tuesd-OH HANG ON I SEE WHAT YOU DID THERE LIKE IT FEELS LIKE A WHOLE WEEK ALREADY BUT IT’S ONLY TUESDAY YOU WILY DOG YOU!” I think I should I sign off now, before I’m tempted to tell any more hilarious, hilarious jokes.
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