Mike Pence is the Patron Saint of Mediocre White Dudes, and the Roman God of Failing Upwards.
A Democrat in his youth, Pence, like many men of limited intelligence, turned to religious conservatism for the convenience of being able to end arguments by claiming God shares his every fear and prejudice, while forgiving his every shortcoming, how convenient.
Secretary of State
Over the course of three decades, Rex Tillerson fucked, bribed, and murdered his way to the top of Exxon Mobil, like some sort of jowlsy Eva Peron.
Secretary of the Treasury
Steve Mnuchin, like his namesake, the Noise You Make When You’re Dry Heaving After Getting Food Poisoning From Eating Truck Stop Gas Station Roller Hot Pockets on a Road Trip, is deeply unpleasant, and may result in the involuntary voiding of foul-smelling bodily fluids.
Secretary of Defense
Chief of Staff
National Security Advisor
Holy shit, there are Generals all over the place these days, aren’t there?
Retired General James Mattis serves as Secretary of Defense. Retired General John Kelly ran Homeland Security for a bit, before becoming the Lead Executive Branch Babysitter, excuse me, Chief of Staff. H.R. McMaster’s the National Security Advisor, and hell, he’s still on active duty.
Jefferson Beauregard Sessions, third generation of his family to carry the name of a Confedarate piece of trash and also a second Confederate piece of trash, is living his dream. As Velveeta Goebbels’ Attorney General, he’s turning back the clock to a time when women and minorities knew their place, and mediocre white dudes like himself got to run everything, even if they weren’t especially bright.
Ryan Zinke is like if the crappiest robot in Westworld escaped and jumped into conservative politics. He’s such a cartoon cowboy, I bet his right boot says “Andy” on the bottom.
Secretary of Commerce
When a witch’s curse transformed his master into a Beast and his fellow servants into household objects, Wilbur Ross became a decorative garden gnome. Unlike the rest of his compatriots, he ventured out into the world to make his fortune in the realm of shady international finance and money laundering, and when True Love’s Kiss lifted the curse, Wilbur was too far away for the enchantment to reverse, and thus he remains trapped in gnome form forever.
Secretary of Health and Human Services
If the Hippocratic Oath is binding in any sort of spiritual sense, Tom Price is royally fucked, y’all. There is some straight Dante shit awaitin’ him in the afterlife.
Secretary of Housing and Urban Development
Dr. Ben Carson is only in politics because he was rude President Obama to his face. At the 2013 National Prayer Breakfast, a traditionally non-political event, Dr. Ben, having been invited as the keynote speaker, decided to use his time to shit on the President and his policies.
Secretary of Education
Betsy DeVos is what happens when bored white ladies have enough money to really fuck shit up. Turns out, if you’re born rich and marry richer, you don’t have to settle for a book club, you can buy yourself a whole cabinet department!
Administrator of the EPA
Scott Pruitt, like a lot of boys his age, grew up watching Captain Planet cartoons. Unlike most boys his age, he decided that the various sludge-smog-and-toxic-waste-slinging villains were the role models for him.
Ok, fine. Pruitt is ten years too old to have grown up on Captain Planet, but fuck you, that’s a good opening paragraph. Make your own fucking website, you don’t like it.
Chief of Staff
Nobody wants to be Reince Priebus when they grow up. He’s just so immediately recognizable as a weaselly little tapeworm of a man, y’know?
Reince Priebus is the sort of person who would be played by Brad Dourif in a film.
Steve Bannon played Bob Ewell in a high school production of To Kill a Mockingbird, and liked it so much he decided to stay in the character for the rest of his life.
A self-described Leninist, and an outspoken populist*, Bannon wants to kidney-punch the administrative state, give it a wedgie, and steal its lunch money.
Jared Kushner was born on third base and thinks he invented baseball.
Jared’s dad, Charles Kushner, went to jail for tax evasion, illegal campaign donations, and, ahem, “witness tampering,” by which I mean he set his brother-in-law up with a hooker (not, I’m sad to report, of the Pissing Russian variety) and recorded their genital-smushing in order to blackmail him.
When you worked for Akin, things weren’t simple
Cuz he got caught on tape
With legitimate rape
Senior Advisor for Policy
Why is it always the shittiest imaginable white dudes who turn out to be white supremacists?
Stephen Miller, who started balding eleven seconds after his conception, has by all accounts been a sack of monkey shit pretty much every single minute of his life.
Director of Communications
Oh wow, this new Communications Director looks like a real character, huh?
Where to begin? Ok, Anthony Scaramucci first came to –
Wait, what? Really?
White Supremacist Multi-Tool
Kris Kobach is like the protagonist of the white supremacist version of one of those Disney movies where a kid learns to chase his dreams, no matter how big. The kid gets tired of the monotonous grind of burning crosses on just one lawn at a time, and dreams of burning a cross big enough for the whole dang country!
Maybe he has a talking/singing Confederate flag for a sidekick. Named “Bedford.”
Roving Freelance Fascist
As seen in the famed documentary RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK, when the Ark of the Covenant was opened on an uncharted island north of Crete, the burning light that issued thereof reduced the Nazi soldiers present to piles of ash and molten flesh. In time, the rains washed the fascist bio-goo into the island’s sewage system, where it mixed with the shit and piss and used tampons and such, and in time it congealed, took the shape of a man (albeit an unattractive one), slapped on a pair of glasses, and Sebastian Gorka was formed.
Speaker of the House
Paul Ryan was cloned from a single pubic hair plucked from Ayn Rand post-coitus and grown in a still in Charles Koch’s back yard.
Senate Majority Leader
Many years ago, Gamera was following the Grateful Dead on tour, and engaged in a brief-but-life-affirming affair with an Ohio River ‘gator that hung around Ma McConnell’s pig farm, picking off runts for sustenance. Nine months later, young Mitch emerged from a leathery egg, and devoured his fellow hatchlings, beginning his life-long love affair with hurting children.
COVID to the Left of Me, Fascists to the Right, Here I Am, Stuck in the Middle OF HELL
Holy heck what a week. I know what happened, too. One of you fuckers said, “well at least things can’t possibly get worse,” I fucking know you did. Said it right out loud, didn’tcha? Like the universe wouldn’t hear you? Which one of you was it? Fess up, or I fart all the way through this blog post.
The Tangelo-Tinted Taint Tumor’s tyrannical tantrum towards Twitter um…conTinued (hey, I tried), culminating in a comically unconstitutional executive order, irritating a bunch of first amendment lawyers and federal judges who are gonna have to waste all kinds of fucking time pointing out the obvious in an unnecessarily formal setting. Y’know, if somebody could only talk COVID-19 into fact-checking him, maybe Shithead would do something about the FUCKING PANDEMIC, and that would be a real nice change.
President Gas Station Urinal Cake, having previously signed into law a bill authorizing warrantless surveillance of Americans, screeched “WARRANTLESS SURVEILLANCE OF AMERICANS IS WRONG!” on the polyphonic tweeting machine. Is this hypocrisy at work? Memory failure? Or does the Shart House staff just shove legislation under his perpetually-sniffling nose and tell him he’s signing a bill mandating presidential peepholes be drilled into every teen beauty pageant dressing room in all the land?
Presidential Medal of Freedom Desecrater Rush Limbaugh praised Hairplug Himmler for triggerin’ the libs (and terrorizing an innocent, grieving family) with his baseless conspiracy theories about Joe Scarborough, thrilled to finally see the highest office in the land brought down to his own bottom-of-the-darkest-outhouse level. It truly is an entire culture/political movement/dirtbag loser cult centered around irritating strangers, isn’t it? What’s amazing is, they’ve “triggered” us libs so hard that we’re more politically active than ever, and kicking their asses from coast to coast. Like, I don’t get this grand strategy where what you get is the fleeting, ultimately self-destructive thrill of shitposting, but we walk away with a sturdy House majority, a fat stack of red state governorships, and a five-month countdown to seizing the White House and Senate. I’m not complaining, mind you. Trigger away.
The all-Republijag Texas Supreme Court won’t let puny voters use the coronavirus as an excuse to seek the unmanly-if-completely-safe alternative of a mail-in ballot, potentially forcing millions to choose between risking their lives and giving up their rights. Asked if they had a preference for the state’s populace, disenfranchisement or death, the justices shrugged noncommittally, and returned to their fantasy Civil War army draft.
Plenty of articles this week pointing out that various prominent Shartworld officials have long histories of voting by mail personally despite their current fear-of-increased-turnout-borne crusade against the practice. If you’re still waiting for Republicans to display shame at their blatant hypocrisy, well, say hi to Godot for me.
Kellyanne Conway, for example, making headlines for the first time since berating a reporter for suggesting the coronavirus outbreak wasn’t contained three months and 100,000 deaths ago, sneeringly declared that if us serfs can wait in line for a cupcake, we can wait in line to vote. Obviously this makes precisely zero fucking sense, but if there WERE a cupcake capable of flushing Kellyanne and all her fascist colleagues out of our government once and for all, you have to admit, there would be a massive fucking line to get one, and we’d all be standing in it right now.
Seems Mike Pants’ Chief of Staff, Marc Short, owns a fuckton of stock in companies doing coronavirus response business with the Turdmaggot Administration, which would probably be bigger news if anyone anywhere still believed these crooks might actually prioritize helping this country through this crisis over self-enrichment. Fuck, I’m waiting for HHS to announce they’re looking to recoup costs by confiscating the fillings from COVID victims’ teeth.
Amidst a rising death toll and an economy many experts are describing as “seriously fucked,” Dirtbag White Nationalist Senator Tom Cotton teamed up with Dirtbag White Nationalist Senator Only a Girl Marsha Blackburn to introduce legislation that would ban Chinese nationals from studying in STEM fields at American colleges, because subpar white folks fear genuine meritocracy. Me, I want the best and the brightest from all over the world to come to the United States to study, and to live, and to raise the intellectual bar so goshdarn high that there are no communities anywhere in this great country dumb or hateful enough to elect hoodless Klansmen like Tom Cotton and Marsha Blackburn.
Now that the pesky State Department inspector general is out of the way, the Treasonweasel Administration is moving forward with plans to sell another fuckload of weapons to the journalist-dismembering war criminals running Saudi Arabia. Y’know, Susan Collins was right, Pumpkin Spice Pol Pot DID learn his lesson from the impeachment trial; he learned the law doesn’t apply to him, because the bottom-feeding invertebrates of the GOP will let him get away with absolutely anything. Shit, Collins is such a good teacher, she should look into that line of work next year, once Sara Gideon has replaced her useless, enabling ass.
Germ warfare in the Pennsylvania state House, as Republicans decided it would be totally awesome to expose their Democratic colleagues to a member who had tested positive for COVID-19 without telling them, because hey, what’s a deadly disease or two among beloved coworkers? C’mon, it’s basically Secret Santa! That this potentially lethal deception was in service to their ongoing efforts to force their constituents back into unsafe working conditions is some DARK FUCKING SHIT, not to editorialize.
“The only good Democrat is a dead Democrat;” so begins the video clip retweeted by the President of the United States, in a distressingly public attempt to incite one or more of the less stable maniacs of Cult45 to murder me and/or basically everyone I know, which I must confess I do not much care for. Like, my regular top issues are gun control and voting rights, but I guess going forward I’ll need to examine whether or not a candidate plans to target me specifically via stochastic terrorism. I mean, I was already leaning Biden, but I think this seals it. Anyhow, the theory posited by the Randolph Scott cosplayer in question doesn’t really hold up; I for one am a fucking kickass Democrat, and I assure you I’m quite alive*.
And of course, Minneapolis is burning, because it turns out people don’t like being told they can be murdered in the broad light of day without consequence, imagine that. With his unfailing instinct for turning everything he touches to shit, Tangerine Idi Amin figured what this volatile situation needed was a heapin’ helpin’ of threats of state-sponsored mass murder, promising, “when the looting starts, the shooting starts,” and for a guy who literally can’t remember which bills he’s signed, he’s certainly well-versed in the history of violence-enforced institutional racism. Old man, since you like your clever little rhymes so much, let me just remind you real quick, when the voting starts, your de-scroting starts.
State police, facing an enormous nationwide backlash (on top of a burning precinct), figured the best way to handle things was to arrest a CNN correspondent, who happens to be black and Latino, live on television. Is Stephen Miller offering freelance public relations consultation on the side?
Meanwhile, Joe Biden reminded us what a President is supposed to sound like, putting words to a bleeding nation’s pain, and friends, thinking about how close we are to reinstating basic frickin’ human decency in our government…I absolutely ache for it. I yearn for it. My heart is signing Roy Orbison songs about it. Not Ooby Dooby, obviously, you know the ones I’m talking about.
Sultan Spraytan called a press conference and everyone naturally thought he would address the HEADLINE FUCKING NEWS about Minneapolis and the murder of George Floyd, but PSYCH instead he pulled America out of the World Health Organization in the middle of a pandemic, and I’m ordering a bunch of Rosetta Stone software so I can learn to say “I voted for Hillary, may I please have the vaccine?” in as many languages as possible. There was also some gobbledygook about JINA, because the doddering old fuckhead still thinks he can change the subject, that we’ll talk about how he’s so very Tough on Jina instead of the fact that we can’t leave the house without fear of dying and killing everyone we live with. And of course he scampered away without taking questions, for he is a coward.
Ratfucking Halloween Outlet Store Mannequin Roger Stone has been ordered to report to prison by June 30th, giving him just one short month to eat at all his favorite restaurants, catch a ballgame, and generally cross shit off his bucket l-OH WAIT EVERYTHING IS CLOSED and isn’t that a fucking shame.
And Taylor Swift says America is never ever ever getting back together with President Crotchrot, and honestly I shouldn’t even have mentioned it, it’s just that it’s always such low-hanging fruit when a musician makes the news, you just pick a song lyric and bam! you’ve got a gag; anyway, I wrote it and you read it and nobody got hurt, so let’s just agree to move on, okay?
Well, we have arrived at the chapter in the shitty dystopian fanfic that is both our reality and our prison when roving gangs of monkeys are stealing coronavirus blood samples from health care workers and running off with them, presumably to drop that shit straight into our water supply, cackling all the while. Just to give y’all a heads up, if this clusterfuck does indeed devolve into open warfare between humanity and nature, I am defecting to the other side at the first fucking opportunity. I have zero survival skills and will look positively appalling in a loincloth, but I’m really looking forward to flinging poo at Tucker Carlson.
Anyway, newly declassified documents prove that Mike “The Turkish Delight” Flynn 100% lied to the FBI, exactly as he’s pleaded, though he’s now trying to un-plead to this thing that he obviously, indisputably did, and I know we’re doing Orwell for Dummies these days, but fucking COME ON.
And what’s this? Someone from that overflowing bowl of human soup masquerading as a “pool party” in the Ozarks has tested positive for coronavirus, having potentially exposed hundreds of others? You don’t fuckin’ say. What a twist. I mean this is some M. Night Shyamalan shit right here. Just right out of the blue. Dang.
FRIDAY NEWS DUMP MY ASS, I thought this fucker would never end. Well, I’ve earned a drink. No, you’ve earned a drink for reading all this shit, I’ve earned three for writing it. I may add a few more on credit, to be honest. As always, stay safe out there, Resisters.
*And so, dear reader, are you.