Shower Cap

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This is one helluva thing.

(This kind of stuff fascinates me, because humiliation is a sensation I have always gone to great lengths to avoid. Different strokes, of course.) https://t.co/MUUzhegDeU



I don’t think it’s unreasonable to ask law enforcement to screen out the sadists and bullies. You have to wonder how many times these officers have pulled this shit? https://t.co/cA2K9z4mhz



Brooks should be in prison.

Instead, he’s aiming for the U.S. Senate. https://t.co/x7MJ6RE6Di

Manu Raju
@mkraju
“I did my duty for my country,” Mo Brooks told me of his efforts to overturn the elections in Congress and speech at Jan. 6 rally.

He’s since been rewarded with a Trump endorsement, emerging as an early favorite in #alsen

A look here at his defense of Trump: https://t.co/N6Tu6YQEYX

NUMBER TWO

NUMBER TWO

Vice-President

Mike Pence is the Patron Saint of Mediocre White Dudes, and the Roman God of Failing Upwards.

A Democrat in his youth, Pence, like many men of limited intelligence, turned to religious conservatism for the convenience of being able to end arguments by claiming God shares his every fear and prejudice, while forgiving his every shortcoming, how convenient.

POMPEY THE NOT GREAT

POMPEY THE NOT GREAT

Secretary of State

Mike Pompeo is one of those performatively pious fake Christians who loves using his loudly-claimed-but-seldom-followed faith like a cudgel while ignoring every single word of the actual Bible, including “and” and “the.”

UNSEXY REXY

UNSEXY REXY

Secretary of State

Over the course of three decades, Rex Tillerson fucked, bribed, and murdered his way to the top of Exxon Mobil, like some sort of jowlsy Eva Peron.

BILIOUS BILL

BILIOUS BILL

Attorney General

William Barr actually taught me a valuable lesson. See, I didn’t look too closely at Bill when he was nominated to be Attorney General. After Jeff “Too Racist for the 80’s” Sessions and the masculine toilet guy, honestly, he looked like a nice, refreshing, safe, traditional Republican. An institutionalist who could bring a little much-needed stability.

And then he turned out to be a fascist, and one of the most dangerous enemies of democracy in American history. Whoops. My bad.

MNUCHBAG

MNUCHBAG

Secretary of the Treasury

Steve Mnuchin, like his namesake, the Noise You Make When You’re Dry Heaving After Getting Food Poisoning From Eating Truck Stop Gas Station Roller Hot Pockets on a Road Trip, is deeply unpleasant, and may result in the involuntary voiding of foul-smelling bodily fluids.

THE GENERALS

THE GENERALS

Secretary of Defense
Chief of Staff
National Security Advisor

Holy shit, there are Generals all over the place these days, aren’t there?

Retired General James Mattis serves as Secretary of Defense. Retired General John Kelly ran Homeland Security for a bit, before becoming the Lead Executive Branch Babysitter, excuse me, Chief of Staff. H.R. McMaster’s the National Security Advisor, and hell, he’s still on active duty.

OL’ BEAUREGARD The President's Loyal Huntin' Dawg

OL’ BEAUREGARD The President's Loyal Huntin' Dawg

Attorney General

Jefferson Beauregard Sessions, third generation of his family to carry the name of a Confedarate piece of trash and also a second Confederate piece of trash, is living his dream. As Velveeta Goebbels’ Attorney General, he’s turning back the clock to a time when women and minorities knew their place, and mediocre white dudes like himself got to run everything, even if they weren’t especially bright.

ZINKE BOOTZ

ZINKE BOOTZ

Ryan Zinke is like if the crappiest robot in Westworld escaped and jumped into conservative politics. He’s such a cartoon cowboy, I bet his right boot says “Andy” on the bottom.

WIL-BUR, THE GNOME KING

WIL-BUR, THE GNOME KING

Secretary of Commerce

When a witch’s curse transformed his master into a Beast and his fellow servants into household objects, Wilbur Ross became a decorative garden gnome. Unlike the rest of his compatriots, he ventured out into the world to make his fortune in the realm of shady international finance and money laundering, and when True Love’s Kiss lifted the curse, Wilbur was too far away for the enchantment to reverse, and thus he remains trapped in gnome form forever.

PLAGUEMASTER T

PLAGUEMASTER T

Secretary of Health and Human Services

If the Hippocratic Oath is binding in any sort of spiritual sense, Tom Price is royally fucked, y’all. There is some straight Dante shit awaitin’ him in the afterlife.

DOCTOR NAPTIME

DOCTOR NAPTIME

Secretary of Housing and Urban Development

Dr. Ben Carson is only in politics because he was rude President Obama to his face. At the 2013 National Prayer Breakfast, a traditionally non-political event, Dr. Ben, having been invited as the keynote speaker, decided to use his time to shit on the President and his policies.

THE DEVOSTATOR

THE DEVOSTATOR

Secretary of Education

Betsy DeVos is what happens when bored white ladies have enough money to really fuck shit up. Turns out, if you’re born rich and marry richer, you don’t have to settle for a book club, you can buy yourself a whole cabinet department!

SCOTTY 2 HAUGHTY

SCOTTY 2 HAUGHTY

Administrator of the EPA

Scott Pruitt, like a lot of boys his age, grew up watching Captain Planet cartoons. Unlike most boys his age, he decided that the various sludge-smog-and-toxic-waste-slinging villains were the role models for him.

Ok, fine. Pruitt is ten years too old to have grown up on Captain Planet, but fuck you, that’s a good opening paragraph. Make your own fucking website, you don’t like it.

PUBIS

PUBIS

Chief of Staff

Nobody wants to be Reince Priebus when they grow up. He’s just so immediately recognizable as a weaselly little tapeworm of a man, y’know?

Reince Priebus is the sort of person who would be played by Brad Dourif in a film.

DARTH WINO

DARTH WINO

Chief Strategist

Steve Bannon played Bob Ewell in a high school production of To Kill a Mockingbird, and liked it so much he decided to stay in the character for the rest of his life.

A self-described Leninist, and an outspoken populist*, Bannon wants to kidney-punch the administrative state, give it a wedgie, and steal its lunch money.

JAR-JAR

JAR-JAR

Senior Advisor/Son-in-Law

Jared Kushner was born on third base and thinks he invented baseball.

Jared’s dad, Charles Kushner, went to jail for tax evasion, illegal campaign donations, and, ahem, “witness tampering,” by which I mean he set his brother-in-law up with a hooker (not, I’m sad to report, of the Pissing Russian variety) and recorded their genital-smushing in order to blackmail him.

PRINCESS IVANKA

PRINCESS IVANKA

Daddy’s Little Girl

Ivanka Trump is what happens when you cross Gwyneth Paltrow with Mussolini’s dumbest, laziest aide-de-camp. Watching her try to sell her father’s fascism as some sort of pro-woman lifestyle brand, marketed in the sickliest imaginable shade of pink, has been one of the most bizarre subplots of this nightmare we can’t seem to pinch ourselves out of.

THE EMPRESS MALARIA

THE EMPRESS MALARIA

First Lady

So, while Melania Trump is perhaps not as shitty as many of the crooks, Nazis, and Nazi crooks who inhabit her dirtbag husband’s world, she manages to impressively shitty in her own right.

HEY, KELLYANNE!

HEY, KELLYANNE!

Senior Counsel

Hey, Kellyaaaaaaaaaaaanne!
Hey, Kellyaaaaaaaaaaaanne!

When you worked for Akin, things weren’t simple
Cuz he got caught on tape
With legitimate rape

4-HEDD THE SHITTY WHITE GUY FROM BEYOND THE STARS

4-HEDD THE SHITTY WHITE GUY FROM BEYOND THE STARS

Senior Advisor for Policy

Why is it always the shittiest imaginable white dudes who turn out to be white supremacists?

Stephen Miller, who started balding eleven seconds after his conception, has by all accounts been a sack of monkey shit pretty much every single minute of his life.

THE MOOCH

THE MOOCH

Director of Communications

Oh wow, this new Communications Director looks like a real character, huh?

Where to begin? Ok, Anthony Scaramucci first came to –

Wait, what? Really?

KKKRIS KKKOBACH

KKKRIS KKKOBACH

White Supremacist Multi-Tool

Kris Kobach is like the protagonist of the white supremacist version of one of those Disney movies where a kid learns to chase his dreams, no matter how big. The kid gets tired of the monotonous grind of burning crosses on just one lawn at a time, and dreams of burning a cross big enough for the whole dang country!

Maybe he has a talking/singing Confederate flag for a sidekick. Named “Bedford.”

“DOC” GORKA

“DOC” GORKA

Roving Freelance Fascist

As seen in the famed documentary RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK, when the Ark of the Covenant was opened on an uncharted island north of Crete, the burning light that issued thereof reduced the Nazi soldiers present to piles of ash and molten flesh. In time, the rains washed the fascist bio-goo into the island’s sewage system, where it mixed with the shit and piss and used tampons and such, and in time it congealed, took the shape of a man (albeit an unattractive one), slapped on a pair of glasses, and Sebastian Gorka was formed.

ATLAS CRAPPED

ATLAS CRAPPED

Speaker of the House

Paul Ryan was cloned from a single pubic hair plucked from Ayn Rand post-coitus and grown in a still in Charles Koch’s back yard.

YERTLE

YERTLE

Senate Majority Leader

Many years ago, Gamera was following the Grateful Dead on tour, and engaged in a brief-but-life-affirming affair with an Ohio River ‘gator that hung around Ma McConnell’s pig farm, picking off runts for sustenance. Nine months later, young Mitch emerged from a leathery egg, and devoured his fellow hatchlings, beginning his life-long love affair with hurting children.

THE CONCERN TROLL

THE CONCERN TROLL

Disapproving Doormat

Susan Collins is How It Happens Here, folks.

She’s supposed to be the rational centrist. The one who stands up to the increasingly-rabid gaggle of turd-spewing hyenas known as the Republican Party when they go too far. That’s whole point of Susan Collins. It’s the brand she’s been selling the people of Maine for years.

THE JACKETLESS JACKASS

THE JACKETLESS JACKASS

Hearing Disrupter

Anybody wondering if the GOP is still the party of Lincoln gets their answer whenever they take in James Daniel Jordan’s tension-racked, jacketless frame as he does his “indignant soccer dad demands to see a manager” routine during a committee hearing. Lincoln? That ship has sailed, caught fire, sunk, and been overrun by sea slugs and the ghosts of unusually shitty pirates. Sorry. 


SUPBAR CASH BROS

SUPBAR CASH BROS

Official Sponsors of American Fascism

Chuck and Davey Koch decided that popping out of a rich lady’s vagina gave them the right to reshape the world however they saw fit, hurting whoever they wanted to in the process, and since the fundamental driving impulse of your average Republican politician is to sell out to the highest bidder, they haven’t exactly been proven wrong.

Cruz? DeJoy? Taylor-Greene? The News Delivered a Bouquet of Buttholes This Week

Friday, February 26th, 2021

 

Has anybody hit their quarantiniversary yet? I’m starting to make plans for mine; I ordered a really soft, fancy pillow I’m planning to scream into for a few hours, and then maybe I’ll order some tiramisu to eat out of a styrofoam delivery container that was designed for a fast food hamburger. So that’ll be fun, but until then, the news:

I dunno if I actually have any Republican readers, but just a heads up, it’s not enough for you to hate Joe Biden anymore, it’s also really, really important that you hate his dogs, too. Look, I don’t make the rules. Personally, I think y’all would enjoy life a little more if you pried your mind off the 24-hour Orwellian rage carousel, but please, don’t let me interrupt your descent into madness.

Peter “What if Mouth Herpes Was an Economist Well Not the Economist Part So Much But Definitely The Herpes” Navarro went on Steve Bannon’s show to excommunicate Marc Short from the Church of Trump for advising his boss (former Vice President/attempted lynching target Michael Pants) against attempting to overturn the 2020 election via a plan so idiotic it could only have originated in the cavernous skull of Louie Gohmert. In case anyone’s wondering about the state of the “Republican Civil War.”

Steve “David Duke without the baggage” Scalise is equally down with the Big Lie, meaning the House Minority Whip, one of the most prominent and powerful Republicans in the country, has witnessed his party’s flirtations with fascism, evaluated the results, (you may remember such hits as “The Night We Ran a Biden Campaign Bus Off the Road” and “Everybody Lynch Mike Pence Tonight and Maybe Also Wang Chung if There’s Time”) and decided to head back to the buffet for another plateful of that shit.

One kinda wants to sit these dolts down and ask them where they think this is all headed, because we’ve crossed a pretty big line here, (it was red, and it said “make real goddamn sure you want to unleash these forces cuz last century they set the whole world on fire”) and the outcomes that’re on the table now are pretty freaky.

Folks, the recent defiler of the Oval Office rather actively pursued his own personal fantasy mashup of Putinesque organized criminal looting and Brownshirts-in-the-streets white supremacist violence, and you can’t feed the beast that weaned on that kind of craziness with tax cuts for rich people.

These men know how weak they are by now, (lookin’ at you, Minority Leader Chamberla-er, McCarthy) they KNOW they can’t tame this tiger, and I just think it’s in everyone’s interest that they stop tossing bloody chunks of raw meat at the fucker.

Meanwhile Ted Cruz is out there, trying to hijack his Turd Emperor’s “How dare those vicious libs insult your Dear Leader” bit, forgetting that he’s A) loathsome and B) entirely incapable of masking his loathsomeness, and thus, incapable of inspiring the devotion necessary to successfully manage the late shift at Starbucks, let alone head up a cult of personality. Stop trying to make Ted Cruz happen, Ted Cruz. Ted Cruz isn’t going to happen.

Hey, speaking of the shapeless wad of (mostly) male mediocrity known as the Senate Republican Caucus, Ron Johnson has apparently decided to serve as the official mouthpiece of Shitty White Boy Terrorism in Congress, parroting debunked lies that the January 6th Capitol riot was merely a gathering of wholesome, fuzzy Trump supporters who came together to discuss how much they all loved cupcakes, until antifa spoiled everything, those dirty rotten bastards.

I don’t want it to sound like I’m asking for better Nazis or anything, but it’s fucking embarrassing to me that it’s men like RoJo, the human equivalent of a rug you throw out because the cat pissed on it, leading this authoritarian incursion into the nation’s shared reality. I guess I’ve just been conditioned, from movies probably, to expect cult leaders to be charismatic, even seductive, and it turned out all it took to drive a third of the country out of their ever-loving minds was a little yammering from the most visibly subpar white dudes this side of a Gamergate Xmas party. American exceptionalism my ass.

Meghan McCain threw a What If White Privilege and the Sound of Nails on a Chalkboard Had a Kid shitfit, demanding Dr. Facui’s firing, because Republicans still think that yelling at science when it tells you something you don’t like is useful, on account of the way the conservative mind stopped evolving one sunny Sunday afternoon during a leeching.

Well, the Supreme Court finally Old Yellered Donnie Scoops’ long struggle to keep his tax returns hidden from Johnny Law, and the secrets he’s clutched for so long in those tiny, inadequate fingers are already snug n’ warm in the lovin’ arms of the Manhattan District Attorney’s office, can’t wait to see what happens next. (By the way, if you feel like leaking that shit, Cy, nobody would ever suspect the shart joke/luchador mask blogger guy. Just sayin’.)

So, President Liposuction Clinic Dumpster spends half a decade assaulting America with an incessant deluge of hate-infused disinformation, breaking millions of minds and tearing the country apart, perhaps irreparably, and Senate Republicans reward him with a Get Out of One Beer Hall Putsch Free card, but suddenly Neera Tanden’s mean tweets render her unfit for public service. Got it.

It was particularly amusing, watching Foghorn Crotchrash, excuse me, “Senator John Neely Kennedy,” theatrically brandishing the flail of shame one minute, then turning straight around to giddily dispense his own nasty one-liners to the first reporter to walk by. You know, I’m starting to think there might be an inconsistency or two in the right-wing ethics system.

Marjorie Taylor Greene has been reduced to morosely gnawing on pickled bath salts of late, because while her own party’s refusal to discipline her for her unapologetic calls to assassinate political opponents was national news for a few days, now that she’s been stripped of her committee assignments, she’s not that much more interesting than your average public transit poo-flinger. And so, like the toddler every Trumpist is at heart, she threw an attention-seeking tantrum, in the form of a series of anti-transgender hate crimes.

You watch this woman spew her hatred, and you see the pride she takes in that hatred, and you go, “oh yeah, that’s straight Hitler shit right there,” because it fucking well IS. Ah, but then you watch the entire House GOP fall in line behind her, backing up her silly procedural time-waster, and implicitly, (though they’ll deny it) every word of her vile diatribe. Say what you will about Marjorie, she understands how quickly and docilely these men fall in line behind a bigot with a bullhorn.

Greene then punctuated her rage fit by posting a placard proudly proclaiming her bigotry and ignorance directly across the hall from the office of Congresswoman Marie Newman, who has a transgender child, because the Republican base doesn’t want laws from their lawmakers, just gaudy displays of public shittiness.

Rand Paul wanted in on that action, using Dr. Rachel Levine’s confirmation hearing to casually launch into his own snide anti-trans harangue, indistinguishable from anything you’d find on Stormfront. Dr. Levine, as you know, is the nation’s first transgender nominee for a Senate-confirmed post, and that Rand felt so untouchable atop his high horse of hate as to spit that bile right in her face, in front of the whole world…let’s just say if you still need lessons in the banality of evil, “Dr.” Paul isn’t going anywhere.

Postmaster General Louis DeJoy, one of the residual Ortsgruppenleiter still stubbornly clinging to the sides of the bowl, squeaked out some whimperingly defiant boast about how we need to “get used to (him),” as though we’re supposed to simply shrug and mournfully abandon the United States Postal Service to his sabotage. Anyway, the shrill yipping sound seems to have reminded the Biden people to finally get around to nominating those new board governors, so they can, in turn, fire DeJoy’s sorry Peter Pettigrew ass. Lookin’ forward to that one, won’t lie.

So now DeJoy gets to keep on wrecking shit while the axe falls with the speed of bureaucratic delirium. Kafka was a fucking amateur.

A newly declassified report reveals the Treasonweasel Administration knew all along that MBS ordered the assassination of Jamal Khashoggi, but, hey, when you’ve got debts like the Trumps and the Kushners, silly things like “human rights” don’t factor into your “diplomatic” interactions with Saudi crime lords, do they?

In other news, Mitch McConnell is a cuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck.

I don’t think I mentioned it here, but you may remember last fall, South Dakota’s Attorney General, a mega-skeevy bag of dicks and sludge called Jason Ravnsborg, killed a pedestrian in a hit and run, fled the scene, and claimed he thought he hit a deer…until the body turned up. Turns out that law enforcement not only found the victim’s glasses inside Ravnsborg’s car, (“the deer was reading Infinite Jest, your honor”) but that he was actually browsing wingnut propaganda sites on his phone, while driving at night, very probably at the precise moment his vehicle fatally collided with another human being. Ravnsborg has yet to resign in shame, probably because he realizes the fresh blood on his resumé only recommends him for higher office within the Grand Ol’ Death Cult.

(Hey Republicans, take five from hating Joe Biden’s dogs, we need you to hate Mr. Potato Head for a minute. And like, at least twice as hard as you were hatin’ on them dogs. Yes, I know that story fell apart immediately; I fucking told you to HATE MR. POTATO HEAD GODDAMMIT also we may need you to send death threats to the Muppets, please stand by.)

Well, the annual convocation of shitpile flies called CPAC is underway, and honestly, everyone seems relieved they can finally stop pretending they read the Weekly Standard (or, y’know, anything) and skip straight to the worship of the literal golden idol someone helpfully brought along in case this shit was somehow still too subtle for anyone.

Yeah, it’s the weekend when the nation’s frothiest maniacs get together to screech at one another, and this year is…well, it’s exactly what you’d expect it be, now that these gleeful goose-steppers have had their first real taste of party-sanctioned terrorism. We can argue about how fair it is to point out all the ways the American right has moved towards open fascism and the bloodlust that accompanies it, or we can save time and get straight to work keeping them away from power.

Like, if you really want a trashy listicle documenting the 29 Naziest CPAC Applause Lines, I bet Chris Cillizza has you covered, but in the interest of mental health and self-respect, let’s all agree to crack a beer and enjoy our weekend instead.

The deranged dirtbag deification feels particularly obscene in light of the week’s grisly milestone, but yes, Cult45 remains slavishly devoted to a poorly dressed game show host who, from a combination of almost incomprehensible incompetence and raw, blazing spite, got half a million of their countrymen killed. I mention this on behalf of any ambitious species looking to take over the top spot on the food chain; I really don’t think us Homo sapiens can hack it.

Ok, that’s about all I have in me tonight, friends. I gotta swing by the crossroads to drive a stake through the heart of this hell-sent motherfucking month. Probably missed some stuff, this week has been a bit rough on ol’ Cap. The coming thaw’ll do me good. Stay safe out there, Resisters. 

Shower Cap

Sign Up for My Updates!



This is one helluva thing.

(This kind of stuff fascinates me, because humiliation is a sensation I have always gone to great lengths to avoid. Different strokes, of course.) https://t.co/MUUzhegDeU



I don’t think it’s unreasonable to ask law enforcement to screen out the sadists and bullies. You have to wonder how many times these officers have pulled this shit? https://t.co/cA2K9z4mhz



Brooks should be in prison.

Instead, he’s aiming for the U.S. Senate. https://t.co/x7MJ6RE6Di

Manu Raju
@mkraju
“I did my duty for my country,” Mo Brooks told me of his efforts to overturn the elections in Congress and speech at Jan. 6 rally.

He’s since been rewarded with a Trump endorsement, emerging as an early favorite in #alsen

A look here at his defense of Trump: https://t.co/N6Tu6YQEYX

NUMBER TWO

NUMBER TWO

Vice-President

Mike Pence is the Patron Saint of Mediocre White Dudes, and the Roman God of Failing Upwards.

A Democrat in his youth, Pence, like many men of limited intelligence, turned to religious conservatism for the convenience of being able to end arguments by claiming God shares his every fear and prejudice, while forgiving his every shortcoming, how convenient.

POMPEY THE NOT GREAT

POMPEY THE NOT GREAT

Secretary of State

Mike Pompeo is one of those performatively pious fake Christians who loves using his loudly-claimed-but-seldom-followed faith like a cudgel while ignoring every single word of the actual Bible, including “and” and “the.”

UNSEXY REXY

UNSEXY REXY

Secretary of State

Over the course of three decades, Rex Tillerson fucked, bribed, and murdered his way to the top of Exxon Mobil, like some sort of jowlsy Eva Peron.

BILIOUS BILL

BILIOUS BILL

Attorney General

William Barr actually taught me a valuable lesson. See, I didn’t look too closely at Bill when he was nominated to be Attorney General. After Jeff “Too Racist for the 80’s” Sessions and the masculine toilet guy, honestly, he looked like a nice, refreshing, safe, traditional Republican. An institutionalist who could bring a little much-needed stability.

And then he turned out to be a fascist, and one of the most dangerous enemies of democracy in American history. Whoops. My bad.

MNUCHBAG

MNUCHBAG

Secretary of the Treasury

Steve Mnuchin, like his namesake, the Noise You Make When You’re Dry Heaving After Getting Food Poisoning From Eating Truck Stop Gas Station Roller Hot Pockets on a Road Trip, is deeply unpleasant, and may result in the involuntary voiding of foul-smelling bodily fluids.

THE GENERALS

THE GENERALS

Secretary of Defense
Chief of Staff
National Security Advisor

Holy shit, there are Generals all over the place these days, aren’t there?

Retired General James Mattis serves as Secretary of Defense. Retired General John Kelly ran Homeland Security for a bit, before becoming the Lead Executive Branch Babysitter, excuse me, Chief of Staff. H.R. McMaster’s the National Security Advisor, and hell, he’s still on active duty.

OL’ BEAUREGARD The President's Loyal Huntin' Dawg

OL’ BEAUREGARD The President's Loyal Huntin' Dawg

Attorney General

Jefferson Beauregard Sessions, third generation of his family to carry the name of a Confedarate piece of trash and also a second Confederate piece of trash, is living his dream. As Velveeta Goebbels’ Attorney General, he’s turning back the clock to a time when women and minorities knew their place, and mediocre white dudes like himself got to run everything, even if they weren’t especially bright.

ZINKE BOOTZ

ZINKE BOOTZ

Ryan Zinke is like if the crappiest robot in Westworld escaped and jumped into conservative politics. He’s such a cartoon cowboy, I bet his right boot says “Andy” on the bottom.

WIL-BUR, THE GNOME KING

WIL-BUR, THE GNOME KING

Secretary of Commerce

When a witch’s curse transformed his master into a Beast and his fellow servants into household objects, Wilbur Ross became a decorative garden gnome. Unlike the rest of his compatriots, he ventured out into the world to make his fortune in the realm of shady international finance and money laundering, and when True Love’s Kiss lifted the curse, Wilbur was too far away for the enchantment to reverse, and thus he remains trapped in gnome form forever.

PLAGUEMASTER T

PLAGUEMASTER T

Secretary of Health and Human Services

If the Hippocratic Oath is binding in any sort of spiritual sense, Tom Price is royally fucked, y’all. There is some straight Dante shit awaitin’ him in the afterlife.

DOCTOR NAPTIME

DOCTOR NAPTIME

Secretary of Housing and Urban Development

Dr. Ben Carson is only in politics because he was rude President Obama to his face. At the 2013 National Prayer Breakfast, a traditionally non-political event, Dr. Ben, having been invited as the keynote speaker, decided to use his time to shit on the President and his policies.

THE DEVOSTATOR

THE DEVOSTATOR

Secretary of Education

Betsy DeVos is what happens when bored white ladies have enough money to really fuck shit up. Turns out, if you’re born rich and marry richer, you don’t have to settle for a book club, you can buy yourself a whole cabinet department!

SCOTTY 2 HAUGHTY

SCOTTY 2 HAUGHTY

Administrator of the EPA

Scott Pruitt, like a lot of boys his age, grew up watching Captain Planet cartoons. Unlike most boys his age, he decided that the various sludge-smog-and-toxic-waste-slinging villains were the role models for him.

Ok, fine. Pruitt is ten years too old to have grown up on Captain Planet, but fuck you, that’s a good opening paragraph. Make your own fucking website, you don’t like it.

PUBIS

PUBIS

Chief of Staff

Nobody wants to be Reince Priebus when they grow up. He’s just so immediately recognizable as a weaselly little tapeworm of a man, y’know?

Reince Priebus is the sort of person who would be played by Brad Dourif in a film.

DARTH WINO

DARTH WINO

Chief Strategist

Steve Bannon played Bob Ewell in a high school production of To Kill a Mockingbird, and liked it so much he decided to stay in the character for the rest of his life.

A self-described Leninist, and an outspoken populist*, Bannon wants to kidney-punch the administrative state, give it a wedgie, and steal its lunch money.

JAR-JAR

JAR-JAR

Senior Advisor/Son-in-Law

Jared Kushner was born on third base and thinks he invented baseball.

Jared’s dad, Charles Kushner, went to jail for tax evasion, illegal campaign donations, and, ahem, “witness tampering,” by which I mean he set his brother-in-law up with a hooker (not, I’m sad to report, of the Pissing Russian variety) and recorded their genital-smushing in order to blackmail him.

PRINCESS IVANKA

PRINCESS IVANKA

Daddy’s Little Girl

Ivanka Trump is what happens when you cross Gwyneth Paltrow with Mussolini’s dumbest, laziest aide-de-camp. Watching her try to sell her father’s fascism as some sort of pro-woman lifestyle brand, marketed in the sickliest imaginable shade of pink, has been one of the most bizarre subplots of this nightmare we can’t seem to pinch ourselves out of.

THE EMPRESS MALARIA

THE EMPRESS MALARIA

First Lady

So, while Melania Trump is perhaps not as shitty as many of the crooks, Nazis, and Nazi crooks who inhabit her dirtbag husband’s world, she manages to impressively shitty in her own right.

HEY, KELLYANNE!

HEY, KELLYANNE!

Senior Counsel

Hey, Kellyaaaaaaaaaaaanne!
Hey, Kellyaaaaaaaaaaaanne!

When you worked for Akin, things weren’t simple
Cuz he got caught on tape
With legitimate rape

4-HEDD THE SHITTY WHITE GUY FROM BEYOND THE STARS

4-HEDD THE SHITTY WHITE GUY FROM BEYOND THE STARS

Senior Advisor for Policy

Why is it always the shittiest imaginable white dudes who turn out to be white supremacists?

Stephen Miller, who started balding eleven seconds after his conception, has by all accounts been a sack of monkey shit pretty much every single minute of his life.

THE MOOCH

THE MOOCH

Director of Communications

Oh wow, this new Communications Director looks like a real character, huh?

Where to begin? Ok, Anthony Scaramucci first came to –

Wait, what? Really?

KKKRIS KKKOBACH

KKKRIS KKKOBACH

White Supremacist Multi-Tool

Kris Kobach is like the protagonist of the white supremacist version of one of those Disney movies where a kid learns to chase his dreams, no matter how big. The kid gets tired of the monotonous grind of burning crosses on just one lawn at a time, and dreams of burning a cross big enough for the whole dang country!

Maybe he has a talking/singing Confederate flag for a sidekick. Named “Bedford.”

“DOC” GORKA

“DOC” GORKA

Roving Freelance Fascist

As seen in the famed documentary RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK, when the Ark of the Covenant was opened on an uncharted island north of Crete, the burning light that issued thereof reduced the Nazi soldiers present to piles of ash and molten flesh. In time, the rains washed the fascist bio-goo into the island’s sewage system, where it mixed with the shit and piss and used tampons and such, and in time it congealed, took the shape of a man (albeit an unattractive one), slapped on a pair of glasses, and Sebastian Gorka was formed.

ATLAS CRAPPED

ATLAS CRAPPED

Speaker of the House

Paul Ryan was cloned from a single pubic hair plucked from Ayn Rand post-coitus and grown in a still in Charles Koch’s back yard.

YERTLE

YERTLE

Senate Majority Leader

Many years ago, Gamera was following the Grateful Dead on tour, and engaged in a brief-but-life-affirming affair with an Ohio River ‘gator that hung around Ma McConnell’s pig farm, picking off runts for sustenance. Nine months later, young Mitch emerged from a leathery egg, and devoured his fellow hatchlings, beginning his life-long love affair with hurting children.

THE CONCERN TROLL

THE CONCERN TROLL

Disapproving Doormat

Susan Collins is How It Happens Here, folks.

She’s supposed to be the rational centrist. The one who stands up to the increasingly-rabid gaggle of turd-spewing hyenas known as the Republican Party when they go too far. That’s whole point of Susan Collins. It’s the brand she’s been selling the people of Maine for years.

THE JACKETLESS JACKASS

THE JACKETLESS JACKASS

Hearing Disrupter

Anybody wondering if the GOP is still the party of Lincoln gets their answer whenever they take in James Daniel Jordan’s tension-racked, jacketless frame as he does his “indignant soccer dad demands to see a manager” routine during a committee hearing. Lincoln? That ship has sailed, caught fire, sunk, and been overrun by sea slugs and the ghosts of unusually shitty pirates. Sorry. 


SUPBAR CASH BROS

SUPBAR CASH BROS

Official Sponsors of American Fascism

Chuck and Davey Koch decided that popping out of a rich lady’s vagina gave them the right to reshape the world however they saw fit, hurting whoever they wanted to in the process, and since the fundamental driving impulse of your average Republican politician is to sell out to the highest bidder, they haven’t exactly been proven wrong.

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