Mike Pence is the Patron Saint of Mediocre White Dudes, and the Roman God of Failing Upwards.
A Democrat in his youth, Pence, like many men of limited intelligence, turned to religious conservatism for the convenience of being able to end arguments by claiming God shares his every fear and prejudice, while forgiving his every shortcoming, how convenient.
Secretary of State
Over the course of three decades, Rex Tillerson fucked, bribed, and murdered his way to the top of Exxon Mobil, like some sort of jowlsy Eva Peron.
Secretary of the Treasury
Steve Mnuchin, like his namesake, the Noise You Make When You’re Dry Heaving After Getting Food Poisoning From Eating Truck Stop Gas Station Roller Hot Pockets on a Road Trip, is deeply unpleasant, and may result in the involuntary voiding of foul-smelling bodily fluids.
Secretary of Defense
Chief of Staff
National Security Advisor
Holy shit, there are Generals all over the place these days, aren’t there?
Retired General James Mattis serves as Secretary of Defense. Retired General John Kelly ran Homeland Security for a bit, before becoming the Lead Executive Branch Babysitter, excuse me, Chief of Staff. H.R. McMaster’s the National Security Advisor, and hell, he’s still on active duty.
Jefferson Beauregard Sessions, third generation of his family to carry the name of a Confedarate piece of trash and also a second Confederate piece of trash, is living his dream. As Velveeta Goebbels’ Attorney General, he’s turning back the clock to a time when women and minorities knew their place, and mediocre white dudes like himself got to run everything, even if they weren’t especially bright.
Ryan Zinke is like if the crappiest robot in Westworld escaped and jumped into conservative politics. He’s such a cartoon cowboy, I bet his right boot says “Andy” on the bottom.
Secretary of Commerce
When a witch’s curse transformed his master into a Beast and his fellow servants into household objects, Wilbur Ross became a decorative garden gnome. Unlike the rest of his compatriots, he ventured out into the world to make his fortune in the realm of shady international finance and money laundering, and when True Love’s Kiss lifted the curse, Wilbur was too far away for the enchantment to reverse, and thus he remains trapped in gnome form forever.
Secretary of Health and Human Services
If the Hippocratic Oath is binding in any sort of spiritual sense, Tom Price is royally fucked, y’all. There is some straight Dante shit awaitin’ him in the afterlife.
Secretary of Housing and Urban Development
Dr. Ben Carson is only in politics because he was rude President Obama to his face. At the 2013 National Prayer Breakfast, a traditionally non-political event, Dr. Ben, having been invited as the keynote speaker, decided to use his time to shit on the President and his policies.
Secretary of Education
Betsy DeVos is what happens when bored white ladies have enough money to really fuck shit up. Turns out, if you’re born rich and marry richer, you don’t have to settle for a book club, you can buy yourself a whole cabinet department!
Administrator of the EPA
Scott Pruitt, like a lot of boys his age, grew up watching Captain Planet cartoons. Unlike most boys his age, he decided that the various sludge-smog-and-toxic-waste-slinging villains were the role models for him.
Ok, fine. Pruitt is ten years too old to have grown up on Captain Planet, but fuck you, that’s a good opening paragraph. Make your own fucking website, you don’t like it.
Chief of Staff
Nobody wants to be Reince Priebus when they grow up. He’s just so immediately recognizable as a weaselly little tapeworm of a man, y’know?
Reince Priebus is the sort of person who would be played by Brad Dourif in a film.
Steve Bannon played Bob Ewell in a high school production of To Kill a Mockingbird, and liked it so much he decided to stay in the character for the rest of his life.
A self-described Leninist, and an outspoken populist*, Bannon wants to kidney-punch the administrative state, give it a wedgie, and steal its lunch money.
Jared Kushner was born on third base and thinks he invented baseball.
Jared’s dad, Charles Kushner, went to jail for tax evasion, illegal campaign donations, and, ahem, “witness tampering,” by which I mean he set his brother-in-law up with a hooker (not, I’m sad to report, of the Pissing Russian variety) and recorded their genital-smushing in order to blackmail him.
When you worked for Akin, things weren’t simple
Cuz he got caught on tape
With legitimate rape
Senior Advisor for Policy
Why is it always the shittiest imaginable white dudes who turn out to be white supremacists?
Stephen Miller, who started balding eleven seconds after his conception, has by all accounts been a sack of monkey shit pretty much every single minute of his life.
Director of Communications
Oh wow, this new Communications Director looks like a real character, huh?
Where to begin? Ok, Anthony Scaramucci first came to –
Wait, what? Really?
White Supremacist Multi-Tool
Kris Kobach is like the protagonist of the white supremacist version of one of those Disney movies where a kid learns to chase his dreams, no matter how big. The kid gets tired of the monotonous grind of burning crosses on just one lawn at a time, and dreams of burning a cross big enough for the whole dang country!
Maybe he has a talking/singing Confederate flag for a sidekick. Named “Bedford.”
Roving Freelance Fascist
As seen in the famed documentary RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK, when the Ark of the Covenant was opened on an uncharted island north of Crete, the burning light that issued thereof reduced the Nazi soldiers present to piles of ash and molten flesh. In time, the rains washed the fascist bio-goo into the island’s sewage system, where it mixed with the shit and piss and used tampons and such, and in time it congealed, took the shape of a man (albeit an unattractive one), slapped on a pair of glasses, and Sebastian Gorka was formed.
Speaker of the House
Paul Ryan was cloned from a single pubic hair plucked from Ayn Rand post-coitus and grown in a still in Charles Koch’s back yard.
Senate Majority Leader
Many years ago, Gamera was following the Grateful Dead on tour, and engaged in a brief-but-life-affirming affair with an Ohio River ‘gator that hung around Ma McConnell’s pig farm, picking off runts for sustenance. Nine months later, young Mitch emerged from a leathery egg, and devoured his fellow hatchlings, beginning his life-long love affair with hurting children.
Did You Know: The American Presidency Comes With a Free Toaster Oven Every 10,000 Lies?
Hey there baby killers! Look, I know you’re all busy killing babies (MONDAYS, AMIRITE?), but I wanted to get a news roundup in real quick. Let’s wade through muck together, and then we can all get back to our infanticide.
Shortly after my last post, the Hairplug That Ate Decency called up his BFF* Sean Hannity to talk about boys and clothes and how an investigation into an attack on the United States by a hostile foreign power was actually an attempted coup. He lied a whole fucking bunch, and whined even more. Old man whines like a spoiled little rich kid who didn’t get the Happy Meal toy he wanted. Y’know, I totally get how Cult45 laps up his bigotry and vulgarity, but I often wonder how they process the endless, petty, Brad-Dourif-character, sniveling, y’know? “That’s MY President! What? YES, THE GUY SULKING LIKE A TODDLER!”
Rod Rosenstein is turning out to be whatcha call a “complex historical figure.” On one hand, he gave us the Mueller investigation in the first place…on the other, lately he’s been braiding Donnie Dotard’s back hair as dutifully as any sycophant this side of Mick Mulvaney. According to the Washington Post, during the heady days of Wondering Whether or Not American Democracy Could Withstand the Tyrannical Tantrums of a Wannabe Dictator Who was Trying to Tear Down the Entire Legal System to Save His Own Ass, Rowdy Roddy told his dirtbag boss, “Hey, I didn’t have the fish, so I can land this plane!” where the plane was the Special Counsel report, but then he had to explain to the President what a metaphor is, which ultimately required nine days, a panel of experts, and 13.5 million in taxpayer dollars.
Anyway, Rosenstein has now officially submitted his resignation letter, thanking his Turd Emperor for all the yucks n’ treason n’ stuff. Let’s all wish him luck as he gets to work on that desperate-to-restore-his-reputation memoir everybody knows is coming.
Iowa Senator Chuck Grassley sure doesn’t seem to enjoy it when the serfs get all up in his shit about his repeated attempts to take away their health care. Yeah, Charlie, I bet that’s annoying. Maybe it’s almost as irritating as having an entire political party dedicated to repealing the one law that keeps you alive. We’ll call it a draw.
Over the weekend, some of the shittiest old white dudes in the country got into a giant slap fight over the leadership of the National Rifle Association, which strikes me as like fighting a war over a swimming pool full of broken glass, water buffalo diarrhea, and Ebola. Anyway, Dirtbag Death Merchant Oliver North lost to Dirtbag Death Merchant Wayne LaPierre, and to the victor go the spoils, in this case a beer fridge stocked with the blood of children killed in school shootings.
I certainly don’t wish violence on anyone, but I think it’s bullshit that the NRA can go through an internal civil war without bloodshed while innocent Americans die daily due to the More Murder Means More Money for Me policies they and their well-trained pets in the Republican Party have been forcing on this country for decades. Shit, even as they bickered like heavily-armed children, Tangerine Idi Amin did their bidding, pulling the U.S. out of an arms treaty.
While my distaste for President Crotchvoid should be apparent after two years of writing this blog, honesty compels me to recognize his accomplishments, scant though they may be. We must never allow reflexive partisanship to blind us to the truth; otherwise we’re no better than the most deranged deplorable. Therefore, through gritted teeth teeth, I salute you, Mr. President, on the most impressive milestone of your reign; your 10,000th lie, according to WaPo fact-checker Glenn Kessler.
Maybe Democrats are better at running the economy, and giving Americans access to health care, and managing foreign policy, and basically every damn thing the government does, but when it comes to raw, unfiltered, bullshit, we are simply not in Pumpkin Spice Pol Pot’s class. We just need to accept that, and move forward. Just like we’re never going to have as many white nationalist Congressmen, or pedophile Senate candidates…some things, the GOP just does better. That’s life.
Anyway, it looks like Fat Q*Bert wanted to watch that dishonesty odometer roll over in style, belching up 61 different lies at the little Klan rally he staged in Wisconsin on the night of the White House Correspondents’ Association dinner, because he is a coward, and afraid of jokes. The vilest of the 61 (if I had to choose just one, I guess) was the extended rant about abortion-crazed leftists’ apparent thirst for post-birth infanticide.
And of course he knows he’s lying, the point here is not to have an honest, nuanced, discussion about reproductive rights, it’s to make his maniacal followers believe that his, and therefore their opponents are so depraved, so (and this is the important part) inhuman, that they will happily murder a newborn child even as it draws its first breaths…and surely, anything you would do to such monsters in response, however vile, is justified, and in fact completely moral. It is the same dehumanizing language that has launched genocides throughout history. Please tell me more about this bunch’s “economic anxiety.”
You understand, they WANT to hate us that much. And the President WANTS to make them hate us even more. This incitement to violence came mere hours after the latest act of white supremacist terrorism, a shooting at a California synagogue. Six months after the Tree of Life massacre in Pittsburgh, perpetrated by another white supremacist terrorist spouting the very same conspiracy rhetoric Government Cheese Goebbels routinely dispenses to keep his base perpetually enraged. His words have provoked violence before, and they will again. He knows this, he just doesn’t give a fuck. He probably likes it.
Now, Sharty McFly’s fixation on Robert E. Lee is a little harder to explain. I mean, sure, he was a traitor and a racist and loser, but there must be something more there. I haven’t read a biography or anything, but did Bob E. ever fuck his own daughter? Cuz that would totally explain it.
Yeah, Dorito Mussolini, with all the self-control of a kid who just got his braces off in a candy shop with forty different flavors of salt water taffy**, rose to Joe Biden’s bait, and took America on a nostalgic trip down memory lane, to the most despised moment of his outhouse presidency, defending his Let’s Not Be So Hard on the Nazis response to the tragedy at Charlottesville.
Politically, you’re almost kinda grateful that the Adderall-Addled Assclown can’t stop himself from dragging this garbage up, but holy fuckballs, how much hate must that bloated shitweasel carry in his heart that he just can’t keep his fucking mouth shut when it comes to defending white supremacists?
Like, if you were writing a TV show or a novel about a white nationalist American President, you might include a scene where he comments on the NFL draft by ignoring a black #1 pick only to single out the #2 pick, a white kid with a history of…oh, let’s charitably call it “racially insensitive social media activity,” for praise. And then you’d cut that scene because it’s too fucking blatant. And yet it happened, right here in Real Fuckin’ Life, aka Hell.
Still, watching the Marmalade Shartcannon’s slimy surrogates attempt to defend the indefensible is always good for a chuckle. One of these days, Don the Con is gonna set Kellyanne Conway on fire, just to make her go out on TV to indignantly insist that she’s not on fire, that Trump was 100% correct to set her on fire, and that Democrats are weak for attempting to extinguish her.
Anyway, I don’t want to make it seem like the whole Republican Party is increasingly in the grip of racist hatred. Certainly not the Kootenai County, Idaho Republican Central Committee! Why, they only voted (unanimously, by the way) to petition the federal government to lift a travel ban on an Austrian nationalist so he can journey to the Gem State and marry his alt-right sweetheart! I ask you, who are we to stand in the way of Nazi luv? For all we know, this could be the inspiration for a new Reverse Sound of Music for the 21st century, and you snowflakes just want to ruin it!
Exiled Twitter Troll/Espionage Clown Jacob Wohl, who you may remember from his plot to fabricate sexual assault allegations against Robert Mueller, just got caught trying to fabricate sexual assault allegations against Pete Buttigieg. You laugh, but even the Empire built the Death Star twice.
The Oversight Renaissance has some questions for Enabler General William Barr, but he prefers cowering in his safe space because Democrats on the House Judiciary Committee plan on turning some of the questioning over to staff lawyers. Y’know, Billy, if I’d attempted such a pathetically clumsy cover-up of my boss’ years-long efforts to obstruct any and all available justice, I’d be afraid of lawyers, too.
The vetting of Stephen Moore continues to turn up disqualifying/humiliating details of his subpar life and work at a seemingly hourly rate. If I were you, Steve-O, I’d withdraw my nomination before some enterprising journalist finds that crusty magazine under your mattress. You know the one, where you’ve been cutting-and-pasting pictures of koala bear heads onto cheerleaders? It’s only a matter of time, creep.
Well, that’s all I got tonight, folks. I’m gonna retreat into my apartment for the remainder of the evening, it’s not safe out there. You never know when you’ll get measles from some anti-vaxxer’s kid, or gunned down by a white supremacist terrorist, or accused of God knows what by that Wohl kid. Oh, and anyway, I’ve got all those babies to kill.
*That’s “Best Fascist Friend,” for the curious.
**This is in no way meant to be autobiographical. SHUT UP!