Mike Pence is the Patron Saint of Mediocre White Dudes, and the Roman God of Failing Upwards.
A Democrat in his youth, Pence, like many men of limited intelligence, turned to religious conservatism for the convenience of being able to end arguments by claiming God shares his every fear and prejudice, while forgiving his every shortcoming, how convenient.
Secretary of State
Over the course of three decades, Rex Tillerson fucked, bribed, and murdered his way to the top of Exxon Mobil, like some sort of jowlsy Eva Peron.
Secretary of the Treasury
Steve Mnuchin, like his namesake, the Noise You Make When You’re Dry Heaving After Getting Food Poisoning From Eating Truck Stop Gas Station Roller Hot Pockets on a Road Trip, is deeply unpleasant, and may result in the involuntary voiding of foul-smelling bodily fluids.
Secretary of Defense
Chief of Staff
National Security Advisor
Holy shit, there are Generals all over the place these days, aren’t there?
Retired General James Mattis serves as Secretary of Defense. Retired General John Kelly ran Homeland Security for a bit, before becoming the Lead Executive Branch Babysitter, excuse me, Chief of Staff. H.R. McMaster’s the National Security Advisor, and hell, he’s still on active duty.
Jefferson Beauregard Sessions, third generation of his family to carry the name of a Confedarate piece of trash and also a second Confederate piece of trash, is living his dream. As Velveeta Goebbels’ Attorney General, he’s turning back the clock to a time when women and minorities knew their place, and mediocre white dudes like himself got to run everything, even if they weren’t especially bright.
Ryan Zinke is like if the crappiest robot in Westworld escaped and jumped into conservative politics. He’s such a cartoon cowboy, I bet his right boot says “Andy” on the bottom.
Secretary of Commerce
When a witch’s curse transformed his master into a Beast and his fellow servants into household objects, Wilbur Ross became a decorative garden gnome. Unlike the rest of his compatriots, he ventured out into the world to make his fortune in the realm of shady international finance and money laundering, and when True Love’s Kiss lifted the curse, Wilbur was too far away for the enchantment to reverse, and thus he remains trapped in gnome form forever.
Secretary of Health and Human Services
If the Hippocratic Oath is binding in any sort of spiritual sense, Tom Price is royally fucked, y’all. There is some straight Dante shit awaitin’ him in the afterlife.
Secretary of Housing and Urban Development
Dr. Ben Carson is only in politics because he was rude President Obama to his face. At the 2013 National Prayer Breakfast, a traditionally non-political event, Dr. Ben, having been invited as the keynote speaker, decided to use his time to shit on the President and his policies.
Secretary of Education
Betsy DeVos is what happens when bored white ladies have enough money to really fuck shit up. Turns out, if you’re born rich and marry richer, you don’t have to settle for a book club, you can buy yourself a whole cabinet department!
Administrator of the EPA
Scott Pruitt, like a lot of boys his age, grew up watching Captain Planet cartoons. Unlike most boys his age, he decided that the various sludge-smog-and-toxic-waste-slinging villains were the role models for him.
Ok, fine. Pruitt is ten years too old to have grown up on Captain Planet, but fuck you, that’s a good opening paragraph. Make your own fucking website, you don’t like it.
Chief of Staff
Nobody wants to be Reince Priebus when they grow up. He’s just so immediately recognizable as a weaselly little tapeworm of a man, y’know?
Reince Priebus is the sort of person who would be played by Brad Dourif in a film.
Steve Bannon played Bob Ewell in a high school production of To Kill a Mockingbird, and liked it so much he decided to stay in the character for the rest of his life.
A self-described Leninist, and an outspoken populist*, Bannon wants to kidney-punch the administrative state, give it a wedgie, and steal its lunch money.
Jared Kushner was born on third base and thinks he invented baseball.
Jared’s dad, Charles Kushner, went to jail for tax evasion, illegal campaign donations, and, ahem, “witness tampering,” by which I mean he set his brother-in-law up with a hooker (not, I’m sad to report, of the Pissing Russian variety) and recorded their genital-smushing in order to blackmail him.
When you worked for Akin, things weren’t simple
Cuz he got caught on tape
With legitimate rape
Senior Advisor for Policy
Why is it always the shittiest imaginable white dudes who turn out to be white supremacists?
Stephen Miller, who started balding eleven seconds after his conception, has by all accounts been a sack of monkey shit pretty much every single minute of his life.
Director of Communications
Oh wow, this new Communications Director looks like a real character, huh?
Where to begin? Ok, Anthony Scaramucci first came to –
Wait, what? Really?
White Supremacist Multi-Tool
Kris Kobach is like the protagonist of the white supremacist version of one of those Disney movies where a kid learns to chase his dreams, no matter how big. The kid gets tired of the monotonous grind of burning crosses on just one lawn at a time, and dreams of burning a cross big enough for the whole dang country!
Maybe he has a talking/singing Confederate flag for a sidekick. Named “Bedford.”
Roving Freelance Fascist
As seen in the famed documentary RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK, when the Ark of the Covenant was opened on an uncharted island north of Crete, the burning light that issued thereof reduced the Nazi soldiers present to piles of ash and molten flesh. In time, the rains washed the fascist bio-goo into the island’s sewage system, where it mixed with the shit and piss and used tampons and such, and in time it congealed, took the shape of a man (albeit an unattractive one), slapped on a pair of glasses, and Sebastian Gorka was formed.
Speaker of the House
Paul Ryan was cloned from a single pubic hair plucked from Ayn Rand post-coitus and grown in a still in Charles Koch’s back yard.
Senate Majority Leader
Many years ago, Gamera was following the Grateful Dead on tour, and engaged in a brief-but-life-affirming affair with an Ohio River ‘gator that hung around Ma McConnell’s pig farm, picking off runts for sustenance. Nine months later, young Mitch emerged from a leathery egg, and devoured his fellow hatchlings, beginning his life-long love affair with hurting children.
Donald Trump, Prince of Losers, Loses Like a Loser, Because he is a Loser Who Loses.
Everybody’s workin’ for the weekend, right? Except President Crotchrot and his cronies, they’re working to stay out of jail. And also to steal as much of our tax money as possible, of course. And to destroy American democracy. The rest of us will have to make do with “the weekend.” But first, the gnus….
Like a mythical beast that hibernates the whole year ‘round, emerging only on the first Tuesday after November 1st, to hunt traitors, enablers, and thugs, the Blue Wave crested once more this week, washing away Republicans all over this beautiful land, and I will mix metaphors if I fucking well feel like it, thank you very much.
Obviously, the most satisfying win of the night was over Kentucky’s odious Governor, Matt Bevin, which means fantastic things for everything from health care to voting rights in the Bluegrass State, and if it happened to come with a free side order of Humiliating the Shit Out of Orange Julius Caesar, well, I’m not sending it back to kitchen or anything.
Of course, without missing a beat, Bevin immediately began belching up baseless accusations of voter fraud, because being Republican means never having to say “this entirely expected rejection of our shitty governance by the people is legitimate.” After making some noises about overturning the will of the electorate in the legislature, state Republicans now seem inclined to let democracy rule, and how fun is it to live in a country where that isn’t necessarily a given anymore?
Other big wins came in Virginia, where Team No Concentration Camps Seriously How is this Controversial seized control of both houses of the legislature, and even in cinnamon-gummy-bear-red Indiana, where Democrats won control of the city council in Columbus, hometown to Wannabe Theocrat Michael Pants himself. I’m told their first act will be to hire a locksmith to break into Mikey’s old porn stash, and you know there’s gonna be some genuinely freaky shit in there…hill people trying to fuck groundhogs and the like.
Laura Ingraham responded to the GOP’s losses in the precise manner a Nazi would; this is because Laura Ingraham in a Nazi. Arizona Republithug Kelli Ward openly fantasized about some sort of state-level electoral college, because perpetually seeking clever new ways to disenfranchise the public is sure a helluva lot easier than concerning yourself with any of that stupid cuck “consent of the governed” shit, right?
If all the encroaching fascism and whatnot has got you feeling down, hey, look, Roger Stone is on trial and you’re not*! Things don’t seem to be going great for ol’ Rog so far, and he’s probably extra nervous about the increasingly-murky pardon/impeachment timeline. I suppose Steve Bannon grudgingly testifying against Stone is probably as close as I’m gonna get to the Traitor Gladiator Pit I periodically fantasize about…at lease until the revolution comes.
Oh, and Alex Jones, looking for one last shitbag joyride before the Sandy Hook families take control of every asset and possession down to the BBQ crumbs in his chest hair, is trying to dox Stone’s jurors, because even though it’s costing him everything, he just can’t stop himself from being a walking sack of monkey shit.
Similarly, Rand Paul keeps threatening to out the Ukraine whistleblower, because, like many Republican officials, he’s acquired the taste for consequence-free lawbreaking and embraced the transformation into the petty autocrat he’s always dreamed of becoming. If this shit all goes south, and you’re reading this blog next to my early grave in some dystopian, post-American-democracy, future, I assume Rand is wearing a comically garish uniform in the portraits that hang in your schools and post offices; just so you know, in real life, he was just a whiny brat.
You’re never gonna believe this, but Rudy Giuliani had something of a difficult time procuring legal representation for himself in the wake of his little transatlantic crime adventure. Heh. With all the extra free time he’ll have in jail, maybe Rudy can write a children’s book about the hardships that arise when seeking a lawyer in the face of ever-growing mountains of evidence, on the front page of every newspaper in the world, that you’re a traitorous crook, and a fairly inept one at that. We should probably hold off on the coloring book about incestuous marriages for now, Rudy-Roo, let’s see how the first one does.
Word on the street is, morale at Foggy Bottom is down, on account of Mike Pompeo’s disloyalty to his staff (and also, y’know, his country) during the Ukraine scandal and I just love saying “Foggy Bottom,” like I’m some legit D.C. insider rather than a drunken dork who reads a lot of news; it’s the same rush of pomposity I get whenever I find a chance to say “Attorneys General,” but the POINT is, Pompeo is a stooge and a turd and I hope he gets hemorrhoids.
If you’re looking for God’s Own Perfect Encapsulation of Modern Conservatism, you probably couldn’t do any better than the sneering Fux Nooz story alleging the Obama administration burdened the CIA with endless meetings on “political correctness,” because apparently nobody anywhere in this massive global media conglomerate understands that “PC” stands for “Principals Committee.” I mean, that’s TRANSCENDENT. Frame that shit.
America visited that one bathroom off the basement room we never use, and even though we were totally sure we flushed last time we were down here, well, there was Jefferson Beauregard Sessions III, floating right where we left him a year ago, trying to climb out of the bowl and back into the United States Senate. If he was anyone but Jeff Sessions, you’d feel pity, watching the pathetic, groveling, video he used to launch his campaign, squeaking that he didn’t trash the boss who humiliated him for months before discarding him completely. Anyway, I could be wrong, but I believe the Alabama state Constitution stipulates that all elected officials must be vertebrates, so Jeff might not even be able to get on the ballot.
Incidentally, in the coming Sessions/Roy Moore debates, what can you cheer for except an out-of-control semi carrying the unlikely load of a dozen or so recently-unearthed antique septic tanks from the Cumberland Plateau spontaneously crashing through the studio walls, dousing both candidates in fermented sewage?
Having apparently failed to notice that the county that held Shart Garfunkel’s last-minute Kentucky rally wound up voting Dem 2 to 1, Louisiana Senator John Definitely-Not-F Kennedy appeared beside his Turd Emperor to talk about how “dumb” Nancy Pelosi, who keeps the President’s testes in a shot glass on her desk, is. I dunno, Johnboy, personally, if MY party was looking down the business end of a nationwide electoral realignment, driven by women delivering America’s suburbs, gift-wrapped, to your political opponents, I might be looking for stupidity a little closer to home. Like, say, in the mirror.
So, Government Cheese Goebbels was ordered to pay a $2 million settlement for stealing from charity, just the latest jaw-droppingly deplorable act that will do absolutely nothing to shake his support among the white supremacist hate cult that is the American evangelical movement. One thing I’m fairly confident Jesus wouldn’t do is steal money from charity to buy paintings of himself, even if they were really awesome paintings of him n’ Ben Carson arm wrestling or some shit, but please, keep moralizing at the rest of us, you hypocritical jagoffs, it’s good for a laugh.
Many have criticized the Marmalade Shartcannon for skipping little details that his predecessors devoted significant time and energy to, like “security briefings,” and “understanding how International trade works,” but we’ve finally learned it’s all been in service to a higher calling, because he’s been chatting with his old Apprentice partner on a return to reality television. You’re starting to understand how we wind up with ill-informed snap decisions that lead to the release of dozens of ISIS prisoners, aren’t you?
My new novel, in the style of Ludlum, titled The Sondland Revision, is now available wherever books are sold. It tells the thrilling tale of a wealthy idiot who thought it might fun to be an ambassador, only to wind up involved in the world’s dumbest international criminal conspiracy, then figured he’d get out of it by lying under oath to Congress, only to get his memory righteously jogged by the prospect of a few years in Rich White Guy Prison, and finally decided to turn stool pigeon after all. Anyway, Gordo double-checked his pants pockets and found some quid pro quo after all, and thus he joins the long list of Team Treasonweasel coffee boys.
If you have, like, a kink about transcripts, this must’ve been the best fucking week of your entire life. Adam Schiff is hanging out on the corner at the end of your block, passing out transcripts to everybody who walks by, going “First taste is free, y’all, actually they’re ALL free because they paint an ironclad case against against a certain tiny-fisted tyrant, and I want everyone in America to see this shit.”
…which is why Lying Lapdog Loyalist Lindsey Graham’s final, pathetic, strategy is to simply refuse to read the transcripts, like a child who won’t open his mouth for a spoonful of peas, no matter how tantalizingly accurate your airplane noises may be. It’s hilarious until you remember still gets to be a juror in the impeachment trial.
Lindsey is like an old Looney Tunes character, floating on a chunk of ice that’s rapidly melting as it moves south, panicked, because he desperately needs to find someplace new to plant those damnable goalposts. Even the old “2 dumb 2 collude” argument keep falling apart in the face of well-corroborated evidence; yes, these are stupid, stupid, men, but they are quite objectively committing crimes on purpose. And no, it’s doesn’t magically become okay just because they got caught before they pulled it off.
I guess the other desperate spin on the table is that Giuliani, Sondland, Mulvaney, and co. weren’t acting on Hairplug Himmler’s orders in the Ukraine affair, but “went into business for themselves,” like it was some sort of Shart House office pool, to extort an important ally in order to get the boss the only thing he really wants for Xmas: made-up shit about Joe Biden.
We’re told the Individual Wonder asked his pet Attorney General, Billy Barr, to hold a press conference to proclaim the Dotard spiritually spotless and innocent of all crimes, plus with normal-sized man hands and Salma Hayek wants to date him, but she’s not hot enough. Barr seems to have refused, and the whole country was shocked to learn that the nation’s top law-enforcement official actually declined to engage in reprehensibly unethical behavior for once, because that’s how far our standards have fallen. Like, “wow, Stephen Miller got through a whole week without stabbing a single immigrant, I think he’s mellowing.”
Actually, I think it would be fascinating to learn precisely how far Donnie Two-Scoops’ circle of craven, power-mad, lackeys allowed themselves to be pushed to before finally drawing a line in the sand. Like, Rick Perry was clearly ok with extorting Ukraine, but one time the boss asked him to take Eric along on a trip to the Texas oil fields to bump him off, but make it look like an accident, like the kid stuck his thumb someplace it didn’t belong, he’s always doing stupid shit like that, but Ricky just polished his Smart Guy Glasses and acted like he didn’t hear.
The Syphilitic Socipath has to be extra pissy now, learning from the report in the Failing New York Times that Ukraine President Volodymyr Zelensky was juuuuuuust about cave in to his extortion plot, and publicly announce that Joe Biden ordered his son to kill Seth Rich and also several kittens, but then the whole thing blew up in the American media, and Zelensky got the aid he was legally entitled to without needing to tell any lies about Diamond Joe at all, not even that he used to sneak Barack cigarettes behind Michelle’s back. Which explains why Weehands McNodick is storming around, bellowing “I woulda gotten away with it, too, if it weren’t for you meddling whistleblowers!” only you won’t be able to pull off his mask, that truly is, improbably, his real face.
And hey, the whistleblower’s lawyers had to send a “please stop trying to break the law and out our client so he/she gets killed by one of your psychopathic followers” letter to the President of the United States, just another ho-hum fifth-page story, here in Hell.
I guess Michael Bloomberg is jumping into the Democratic presidential primary, and this seems like a good time to announce my new product line, padded wallpaper for your home or office so when you pound your head into the wall, screaming WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH THESE CLUELESS FUCKING BILLIONAIRES, you don’t hurt yourself.
Speaking of deluded billionaires pissing away money that could be used to win back the Senate on doomed vanity campaigns, Tom Steyer’s bid is going great, assuming his goal is to walk away with more serious ethical breaches than convention delegates. Tommy my lad, you may’ve been caught stealing data from Kamala Harris AND trying to bribe your way to Iowa endorsements in one short week, but hey, you’ll always have that one debate where you failed to say anything interesting or memorable. Anyway, I will have you know, sir, my vote is decidedly NOT for sale, but should you choose to try anyway, you may deliver 6-7 cases of India pale ale to my apartment, and none of the cheap stuff either, you bum.
Apparently, unfulfilled even after years of whining daily on Twitter and whining regularly on Fux Nooz, Shitweasel, Jr., decided to whine on paper for a change, and he’s published himself a little book, targeting the lucrative “people who enjoy consuming the self-pitying mewlings of a potato-brained rich boy” market. One passage in particular seems to be garnering a fair amount of attention: Visiting Arlington National Ceremony, Son of Shart thought to himself “I am exactly like these soldiers who gave their lives, except that instead of making the ultimate sacrifice for liberty, I lie and steal all day long and also I bet many of these soldiers could pull off a beard whereas I walk around looking like a terrier’s butthole all day.” Junior was particularly moved by the Tomb of the Unknown Douchebag.
Yet another accuser has come forward to say that he told Donnie Dotard’s favorite Congressthug, Jim Jordan, directly, face-to-face, about Dr. Richard Strauss’ inappropriate sexual behavior, and Jordan went “Hey, that’s life, what do you want me to do, take action against a serial sex criminal before he abuses dozens of the students in my charge?” and upon learning of this appalling news, House Minority Leader Kevin McCarthy demanded Jordan’s immediate resignation from Congress JUST KIDDING he promoted him to the House Intelligence Committee so he can get plenty of teevee time during the impeachment hearings.
See, you really NEED a few abominations on your resume, if you want to get anywhere in Republican politics these days. Mark Meadows reads these headlines and thinks, FUCK, I can’t let Gym outpace me with the deplorables, I better load up my iPhone with kiddie porn and “anonymously” mail it to some reporter, or the base might think I’m a basically decent human being, cuz that’s a career-killer, right there.
Now I see former NSA John Bolton, that slut, is strutting around, flashin’ a little ankle, suggesting he has hawt sexxxy testimony about Ukraine crimez to give to the impeachment inquiry if only the courts say it’s allowed. Look, Murderstache, testify, or don’t, but stop teasing us.
In conclusion…”Foggy Bottom.” Go git that weekend, Resisters. You’ve earned it.
*You might be on trial, I don’t fucking know. I try to be fair to everybody in this blog, but if you happen to be on trial right now, that sentence is not for you. I’ll make it up to you someday.**
**I absolutely will not make it up to you someday. Good luck with your trial tho.