Mike Pence is the Patron Saint of Mediocre White Dudes, and the Roman God of Failing Upwards.
A Democrat in his youth, Pence, like many men of limited intelligence, turned to religious conservatism for the convenience of being able to end arguments by claiming God shares his every fear and prejudice, while forgiving his every shortcoming, how convenient.
Secretary of State
Mike Pompeo is one of those performatively pious fake Christians who loves using his loudly-claimed-but-seldom-followed faith like a cudgel while ignoring every single word of the actual Bible, including “and” and “the.”
Secretary of State
Over the course of three decades, Rex Tillerson fucked, bribed, and murdered his way to the top of Exxon Mobil, like some sort of jowlsy Eva Peron.
William Barr actually taught me a valuable lesson. See, I didn’t look too closely at Bill when he was nominated to be Attorney General. After Jeff “Too Racist for the 80’s” Sessions and the masculine toilet guy, honestly, he looked like a nice, refreshing, safe, traditional Republican. An institutionalist who could bring a little much-needed stability.
And then he turned out to be a fascist, and one of the most dangerous enemies of democracy in American history. Whoops. My bad.
Secretary of the Treasury
Steve Mnuchin, like his namesake, the Noise You Make When You’re Dry Heaving After Getting Food Poisoning From Eating Truck Stop Gas Station Roller Hot Pockets on a Road Trip, is deeply unpleasant, and may result in the involuntary voiding of foul-smelling bodily fluids.
Secretary of Defense
Chief of Staff
National Security Advisor
Holy shit, there are Generals all over the place these days, aren’t there?
Retired General James Mattis serves as Secretary of Defense. Retired General John Kelly ran Homeland Security for a bit, before becoming the Lead Executive Branch Babysitter, excuse me, Chief of Staff. H.R. McMaster’s the National Security Advisor, and hell, he’s still on active duty.
Jefferson Beauregard Sessions, third generation of his family to carry the name of a Confedarate piece of trash and also a second Confederate piece of trash, is living his dream. As Velveeta Goebbels’ Attorney General, he’s turning back the clock to a time when women and minorities knew their place, and mediocre white dudes like himself got to run everything, even if they weren’t especially bright.
Ryan Zinke is like if the crappiest robot in Westworld escaped and jumped into conservative politics. He’s such a cartoon cowboy, I bet his right boot says “Andy” on the bottom.
Secretary of Commerce
When a witch’s curse transformed his master into a Beast and his fellow servants into household objects, Wilbur Ross became a decorative garden gnome. Unlike the rest of his compatriots, he ventured out into the world to make his fortune in the realm of shady international finance and money laundering, and when True Love’s Kiss lifted the curse, Wilbur was too far away for the enchantment to reverse, and thus he remains trapped in gnome form forever.
Secretary of Health and Human Services
If the Hippocratic Oath is binding in any sort of spiritual sense, Tom Price is royally fucked, y’all. There is some straight Dante shit awaitin’ him in the afterlife.
Secretary of Housing and Urban Development
Dr. Ben Carson is only in politics because he was rude President Obama to his face. At the 2013 National Prayer Breakfast, a traditionally non-political event, Dr. Ben, having been invited as the keynote speaker, decided to use his time to shit on the President and his policies.
Secretary of Education
Betsy DeVos is what happens when bored white ladies have enough money to really fuck shit up. Turns out, if you’re born rich and marry richer, you don’t have to settle for a book club, you can buy yourself a whole cabinet department!
Administrator of the EPA
Scott Pruitt, like a lot of boys his age, grew up watching Captain Planet cartoons. Unlike most boys his age, he decided that the various sludge-smog-and-toxic-waste-slinging villains were the role models for him.
Ok, fine. Pruitt is ten years too old to have grown up on Captain Planet, but fuck you, that’s a good opening paragraph. Make your own fucking website, you don’t like it.
Chief of Staff
Nobody wants to be Reince Priebus when they grow up. He’s just so immediately recognizable as a weaselly little tapeworm of a man, y’know?
Reince Priebus is the sort of person who would be played by Brad Dourif in a film.
Steve Bannon played Bob Ewell in a high school production of To Kill a Mockingbird, and liked it so much he decided to stay in the character for the rest of his life.
A self-described Leninist, and an outspoken populist*, Bannon wants to kidney-punch the administrative state, give it a wedgie, and steal its lunch money.
Jared Kushner was born on third base and thinks he invented baseball.
Jared’s dad, Charles Kushner, went to jail for tax evasion, illegal campaign donations, and, ahem, “witness tampering,” by which I mean he set his brother-in-law up with a hooker (not, I’m sad to report, of the Pissing Russian variety) and recorded their genital-smushing in order to blackmail him.
Daddy’s Little Girl
Ivanka Trump is what happens when you cross Gwyneth Paltrow with Mussolini’s dumbest, laziest aide-de-camp. Watching her try to sell her father’s fascism as some sort of pro-woman lifestyle brand, marketed in the sickliest imaginable shade of pink, has been one of the most bizarre subplots of this nightmare we can’t seem to pinch ourselves out of.
So, while Melania Trump is perhaps not as shitty as many of the crooks, Nazis, and Nazi crooks who inhabit her dirtbag husband’s world, she manages to impressively shitty in her own right.
When you worked for Akin, things weren’t simple
Cuz he got caught on tape
With legitimate rape
Senior Advisor for Policy
Why is it always the shittiest imaginable white dudes who turn out to be white supremacists?
Stephen Miller, who started balding eleven seconds after his conception, has by all accounts been a sack of monkey shit pretty much every single minute of his life.
Director of Communications
Oh wow, this new Communications Director looks like a real character, huh?
Where to begin? Ok, Anthony Scaramucci first came to –
Wait, what? Really?
White Supremacist Multi-Tool
Kris Kobach is like the protagonist of the white supremacist version of one of those Disney movies where a kid learns to chase his dreams, no matter how big. The kid gets tired of the monotonous grind of burning crosses on just one lawn at a time, and dreams of burning a cross big enough for the whole dang country!
Maybe he has a talking/singing Confederate flag for a sidekick. Named “Bedford.”
Roving Freelance Fascist
As seen in the famed documentary RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK, when the Ark of the Covenant was opened on an uncharted island north of Crete, the burning light that issued thereof reduced the Nazi soldiers present to piles of ash and molten flesh. In time, the rains washed the fascist bio-goo into the island’s sewage system, where it mixed with the shit and piss and used tampons and such, and in time it congealed, took the shape of a man (albeit an unattractive one), slapped on a pair of glasses, and Sebastian Gorka was formed.
Speaker of the House
Paul Ryan was cloned from a single pubic hair plucked from Ayn Rand post-coitus and grown in a still in Charles Koch’s back yard.
Senate Majority Leader
Many years ago, Gamera was following the Grateful Dead on tour, and engaged in a brief-but-life-affirming affair with an Ohio River ‘gator that hung around Ma McConnell’s pig farm, picking off runts for sustenance. Nine months later, young Mitch emerged from a leathery egg, and devoured his fellow hatchlings, beginning his life-long love affair with hurting children.
Susan Collins is How It Happens Here, folks.
She’s supposed to be the rational centrist. The one who stands up to the increasingly-rabid gaggle of turd-spewing hyenas known as the Republican Party when they go too far. That’s whole point of Susan Collins. It’s the brand she’s been selling the people of Maine for years.
Anybody wondering if the GOP is still the party of Lincoln gets their answer whenever they take in James Daniel Jordan’s tension-racked, jacketless frame as he does his “indignant soccer dad demands to see a manager” routine during a committee hearing. Lincoln? That ship has sailed, caught fire, sunk, and been overrun by sea slugs and the ghosts of unusually shitty pirates. Sorry.
Official Sponsors of American Fascism
Chuck and Davey Koch decided that popping out of a rich lady’s vagina gave them the right to reshape the world however they saw fit, hurting whoever they wanted to in the process, and since the fundamental driving impulse of your average Republican politician is to sell out to the highest bidder, they haven’t exactly been proven wrong.
Donnie Cracks While Lev Talks Smack and Flynn Backtracks as McSally Cries “Hacks!”
So I took most of the week to focus on launching my little comic book project (more on that later), and I have to say, diving back into the news cycle after a couple days off, GREAT BALLS OF PURE FUCK WHAT THE SHIT IS GOING ON IN THIS COUNTRY? It’s like suddenly seeing it all through the eyes of a newborn; I suppose it’s nice to know I haven’t been making it up when I say, for example, “shit be cray,” but seriously, friends…shit be cray.
Well, the articles of impeachment have, at long last, been delivered to the Senate, and while there weren’t as many floats or acrobats in the procession as I’d have liked, at least there were plenty of clowns waiting on the receiving end. GOP Senators solemnly swore an oath many have already publicly pledged to violate, though I suppose if their constituents have yet to notice that the likes of Lindsey Graham and Rand Paul are mendacious, power-crazed, crudsponges, one more lie isn’t likely to move the needle.
Susan Collins, proudly showing off her new “Most Loathed Senator in America Yes Even More Than Mitch Wow I Must Really Suck” badge, hemmed and hawed and harrumphed and whined that her position on witnesses at the trial had been “misunderstood,” before offering a “clarification” made up of that familiar blend noncommittal, bet-hedging, argle-bargle that we have all come to associate with her particular brand of so-called moderation. Perhaps in her (imminent) retirement, she can join the board of some dairy company, and push them to develop some new, frustratingly bland and instantly forgettable take on vanilla ice cream.
Usually, when you see an enormous, last-minute, advertising push for a blockbuster, it means the studio knows they’ve got an absolute dud on their hands, and they want to recoup as much of their investment as possible before the word of mouth spreads, but I have to say, the Lev Parnas evidence dump actually lived up to the hype! Honestly, I’m already hoping for a sequel, maybe a trilogy. You could call it The Smoking Gun Saga.
There’s lots of new shit confirming and strengthening the case that’s already been laid out by House Democrats, which pairs like a fine wine* with the total lack of exonerating evidence or testimony from Team Treasonweasel. And there’re plenty of new insinuations, implicating the most powerful figures in Shartopia, up to Bill Barr and Mike Pants himself. See? Plenty of material for Episode II: For a Few Plea Bargains More.
So I guess Rudy Giuliani’s stooge brigade was surveilling Ambassador Marie Yovanovitch? Even by the standards of a news cycle so scandal-ridden you almost have to wring the grease out of your morning paper, that’s some sinister shit, y’all. Anyway, “Is the President and/or his personal attorney involved in a plot to assassinate an American diplomat” is now the sort of thing that we can’t just automatically dismiss as ridiculous, so personally, I think this is a gauntlet thrown down in front of Tom Clancy; step up your game bro, there’s a new competitor in town, and his name Reality.
I confess, I truly didn’t believe there was room for this conspiracy of dolts to get any dumber, but goddamn if this new Robert Hyde character didn’t prove me wrong. That dude makes Carter Page look like James Bond and Sam Nunberg seem like the calm, steady, sort of fellow who could be entrusted to perform brain surgery, or maybe even be the guy who picks which wire to cut when there’s a bomb in a movie. Dear lord, is there even farther to travel down this path of self-sabotaging idiocy? What lies at the end? Eric Trump accidentally forwarding secret family recordings to Washington Post reporters, all the while striking himself in the left temple with a tack hammer?
Anyway, big ol’ congratulations go out to President Crotchvoid, you finally got Ukraine to open an investigation into the American government’s corrupt behavior! Of course it’s YOUR corrupt behavior; It’s like you sat on a monkey’s paw 50-some years ago, and it’s been wedged up your ass ever since.
So, Mike “the Turkish Delight” Flynn wants to rescind his guilty plea, having replaced his previous, semi-normal, legal team with a mason jar full of bathtub gin, pop rocks, and a single gerbil suffering from dementia. To be honest, Mike Flynn getting terrible legal advice that will inevitably lead to a rather large box of shit blowing up right in Mike Flynn’s face is not exactly the sort of news likely to lead to the shedding of tears in the Shower Cap household.
History will assume I was simply drunk out of my mind when I wrote this (and history will be absolutely fucking right about that, but that doesn’t negate the fact of the matter), but the honest-to-goodness truth is, on the eve of impeachment, buried in scandal and crisis, Hairplug Himmler could think of no better use for his time than to stand before a modestly-sized crowd of angry, stupid, white people, warm liquid shit running down his leg like a butter sculpture of Garth Brooks melting in the summer sun, bloviating incoherently about dishwashers for awhile. No, this is not the work of the typographical imp denizens of the early 21st century called “autocorrect,” I really fucking mean “dishwashers,” because the old fop really is that fucking crazy.
Chief Thuglomat Mike Pompeo’s State Department cancelled a scheduled briefing on embassy security at the last minute, which is probably fine, it’s not like any of our embassies have been stormed lately. On the other hand, maybe the lesson they learned from last week’s Mike Lee explosion** is that it’s better to simply sit on bad news in the hopes that it magically goes away than to tell anyone the truth. I bet that works out well.
No better evidence of the 1984 Coloring Book Somebody Spilled a Wine Cooler On world we’re all trapped in than the news that the non-partisan Government Accountability Office dropped by to tap us on the shoulder to say, “For the record, Donnie Dotard officially broke the law JUST by withholding congressionally-appropriated aid from Ukraine. Never mind the cover-ups or the quid pro quo, this, all by itself, is a crime, and actually a fucking gigantic one, seriously, how is this cheap crook not in jail right now?” and it’s barely even a fucking story because everyone’s all, “WE KNOW HE’S A CRIMINAL WE’RE JUST TRYING TO WORK OUT WHETHER OR NOT THAT MATTERS.”
…and you know that the minute there’s a Democratic President again, Republicans will call for impeachment if the Department of the Interior exceeds its break room instant coffee budget.
After months of senselessly stomping on the American economy’s crotch, the Shart of the Deal signed “phase one” of a new trade agreement with China. He didn’t get anything he wanted, or promised, because, and let’s never lose sight of this, while he’s generally sub-competent at everything from international diplomacy to dressing himself, he is especially, catastrophically, awful at making deals. So after months of mindless economic damage, with billions in tariffs pissed away like so much hooker urine on a Russian hotel bed, with the manufacturing sector in recession, and a horrifying spike in farmer suicides, we’re expected to celebrate the fact that the doddering old twit has at least stopped making shit worse on purpose. Party at your place, I guess.
If you’re feeling down about your own day-to-day struggles, turn ye to the tale of Martha McSally, and understand that one can attain the awesome heights of United States Senatorship, and still remain deeply, hilariously, pathetic. Now, admittedly, McSally has problems; appointed to an open seat before the loser stench of her failed 2018 campaign had even begun to dissipate, she is the least legitimate member of the World’s Ex-Greatest Deliberative Body (We Had to Change the Name Because of McConnell). Unpopular and unaccomplished, she’s staring down the business end of a challenge from Democrat Mark Kelly, who is effortlessly out-raising and outclassing her (ok, so that second part is a low bar to clear). With no actual record to run on, Martha opted, via a sad, staged, little confrontation with a journalist, to aim for MAGA stardom by attacking the free press. Anyway, I just set my DVR to record her concession speech.
With the All-New, All-Blue, state government in Virginia enacting some light, common-sense, gun control laws in order to, y’know, maybe save a few folks from getting shot to death, a mob of angry idiots is massing to threaten to shoot people to death, because gun nuts are so terrible at making their case that they tend to…to…oh fuck, I shouldn’t say it…somebody fucking stop meeeeeee…they tend to, dare I say…shoot themselves in the foot? But seriously, is a crowd of armed maniacs threatening violence supposed to be an argument AGAINST gun control? Really?
Anyway, the NRA-backed rally has attracted exactly who you imagined it would, including a trio of literal Nazis who just got arrested for plotting to use the event to stage a terrorist mass shooting. Holy fuck, I am sick of Nazis. To the organizers of this little shitshow: hey, congratulations on throwing the type of party Nazis want to attend. Personally, I know I’d do a little soul-searching if Nazis showed up to my shindig, even if they weren’t coming to commit mass murder but only wanted to taste my famous fruit salad (the trick is, I use pears, because nobody puts pears in fruit salad, which I think is weird because pears are fucking great).
Bloomberg reports that Strawberry Shartcake’s scam tax bill handed $32 billion of our money to the biggest banks in the country, because POPULISM! Billions and billions to Goldman Sachs, and you’re still trying to make us rube taxpayers pay for your stupid wall? Fuck you sideways with garden weasel, man.
If you’re looking for that one specific daily newspaper to slap your smug, “both parties are the same,” friend across the mouth with, you could do worse than today’s. On the one hand, you have the aforementioned bluer-than-ever Virginia legislature finally passing the Equal Rights Amendment, pretty awesome news, right? But damn near simultaneously, down in Florida, Dead-Eyed Hair Gel Receptacle Ron DeSantis sneeringly spiked the football over the state’s Supreme Court upholding his despicable, disenfranchising, poll tax, proclaiming “voting is a privilege,” and not one he plans on extending to folks who didn’t have the good sense to be born white, if he can help it. Yeah, totally the same. Totally.
Ahead of the impeachment trial, the Adderall-Addled Assclown proudly announced his legal team, and while it’s interesting he decided to select for creepiness rather than competence, I certainly won’t stand in his way as he self-immolates. Alan “I didn’t inhale…on my buddy/client Jeffrey Epstein’s private sex trafficking island” Dershowitz? Pam “I literally took a bribe from Donald Trump” Bondi? Ken “What I’d really like is to be remembered forever as a comically hypocritical partisan hack” Starr? Seriously, why NOT let Rudy-Roo join this rancid scumbag clown car?
I guess there’s yet another new book coming out documenting some fresh new ways Weehands McNodick is a dangerous idiot, recklessly captaining the ship of state as it spirals down the toilet bowl, while Putin, laughing, plays a little game where he tries to pee on it. I read this shit, and I’m like, “God, grant me the confidence of this mushbrained rich boy, who doesn’t know what Pearl Harbor was, who possesses a sub-grade-school understanding of geography, but still feels comfortable calling the nation’s highest-ranking military leaders ‘dopes and babies.’” Imagine failing at the casino business and calling anybody else a “dope.” I can make my cat bite her own tail, and even she couldn’t bankrupt a fucking casino.
Pumpkin Spice Pol Pot, Prince of Pettiness, marked Michelle Obama’s birthday by proposing rollbacks to the school lunch/breakfast nutritional standards she championed, because feeding his obsessive hatred of his more-accomplished, more-loved, predecessor, while simultaneously undermining the health of an entire generation of American kids is the sort of two-for-one deal that Putin’s Personal Pet President just can’t pass up.
And disgraced former Republican Congresscrook Chris Collins got sentenced to a cool 26 months in prison for the BULLSHIT reason that he committed crimes and got caught, just the latest battle in the War on Not Letting Conservatives Get Away With Shit. Expect a whinging Hannity monologue any minute now.
Ok, folks, I’m calling it here. Any other insanity outbreaks will just have to wait ‘till Monday.
Now, I will write more on this topic soon, but let me wrap up tonight with a great big fat fucking THANK YOU to everyone who has backed the Kickstarter for my first comic book. It’s something I’ve wanted to do for a long time, and I made this first book with this blog’s audience in mind, hoping some of y’all would be interested. I was unprepared and delighted by the wave of support, which exceeded not only my expectations, but my wildest hopes. So…thank you. And if you haven’t seen the Kickstarter yet, there’s plenty of time, all the cool kids are doing it, the fuck are you waiting for?
*Y’know, the kind that comes in boxes. The GOOD stuff.
**The Mike Lee Explosion is currently touring casinos and state fairs throughout the Midwest.