Mike Pence is the Patron Saint of Mediocre White Dudes, and the Roman God of Failing Upwards.
A Democrat in his youth, Pence, like many men of limited intelligence, turned to religious conservatism for the convenience of being able to end arguments by claiming God shares his every fear and prejudice, while forgiving his every shortcoming, how convenient.
Secretary of State
Mike Pompeo is one of those performatively pious fake Christians who loves using his loudly-claimed-but-seldom-followed faith like a cudgel while ignoring every single word of the actual Bible, including “and” and “the.”
Secretary of State
Over the course of three decades, Rex Tillerson fucked, bribed, and murdered his way to the top of Exxon Mobil, like some sort of jowlsy Eva Peron.
William Barr actually taught me a valuable lesson. See, I didn’t look too closely at Bill when he was nominated to be Attorney General. After Jeff “Too Racist for the 80’s” Sessions and the masculine toilet guy, honestly, he looked like a nice, refreshing, safe, traditional Republican. An institutionalist who could bring a little much-needed stability.
And then he turned out to be a fascist, and one of the most dangerous enemies of democracy in American history. Whoops. My bad.
Secretary of the Treasury
Steve Mnuchin, like his namesake, the Noise You Make When You’re Dry Heaving After Getting Food Poisoning From Eating Truck Stop Gas Station Roller Hot Pockets on a Road Trip, is deeply unpleasant, and may result in the involuntary voiding of foul-smelling bodily fluids.
Secretary of Defense
Chief of Staff
National Security Advisor
Holy shit, there are Generals all over the place these days, aren’t there?
Retired General James Mattis serves as Secretary of Defense. Retired General John Kelly ran Homeland Security for a bit, before becoming the Lead Executive Branch Babysitter, excuse me, Chief of Staff. H.R. McMaster’s the National Security Advisor, and hell, he’s still on active duty.
Jefferson Beauregard Sessions, third generation of his family to carry the name of a Confedarate piece of trash and also a second Confederate piece of trash, is living his dream. As Velveeta Goebbels’ Attorney General, he’s turning back the clock to a time when women and minorities knew their place, and mediocre white dudes like himself got to run everything, even if they weren’t especially bright.
Ryan Zinke is like if the crappiest robot in Westworld escaped and jumped into conservative politics. He’s such a cartoon cowboy, I bet his right boot says “Andy” on the bottom.
Secretary of Commerce
When a witch’s curse transformed his master into a Beast and his fellow servants into household objects, Wilbur Ross became a decorative garden gnome. Unlike the rest of his compatriots, he ventured out into the world to make his fortune in the realm of shady international finance and money laundering, and when True Love’s Kiss lifted the curse, Wilbur was too far away for the enchantment to reverse, and thus he remains trapped in gnome form forever.
Secretary of Health and Human Services
If the Hippocratic Oath is binding in any sort of spiritual sense, Tom Price is royally fucked, y’all. There is some straight Dante shit awaitin’ him in the afterlife.
Secretary of Housing and Urban Development
Dr. Ben Carson is only in politics because he was rude President Obama to his face. At the 2013 National Prayer Breakfast, a traditionally non-political event, Dr. Ben, having been invited as the keynote speaker, decided to use his time to shit on the President and his policies.
Secretary of Education
Betsy DeVos is what happens when bored white ladies have enough money to really fuck shit up. Turns out, if you’re born rich and marry richer, you don’t have to settle for a book club, you can buy yourself a whole cabinet department!
Administrator of the EPA
Scott Pruitt, like a lot of boys his age, grew up watching Captain Planet cartoons. Unlike most boys his age, he decided that the various sludge-smog-and-toxic-waste-slinging villains were the role models for him.
Ok, fine. Pruitt is ten years too old to have grown up on Captain Planet, but fuck you, that’s a good opening paragraph. Make your own fucking website, you don’t like it.
Chief of Staff
Nobody wants to be Reince Priebus when they grow up. He’s just so immediately recognizable as a weaselly little tapeworm of a man, y’know?
Reince Priebus is the sort of person who would be played by Brad Dourif in a film.
Steve Bannon played Bob Ewell in a high school production of To Kill a Mockingbird, and liked it so much he decided to stay in the character for the rest of his life.
A self-described Leninist, and an outspoken populist*, Bannon wants to kidney-punch the administrative state, give it a wedgie, and steal its lunch money.
Jared Kushner was born on third base and thinks he invented baseball.
Jared’s dad, Charles Kushner, went to jail for tax evasion, illegal campaign donations, and, ahem, “witness tampering,” by which I mean he set his brother-in-law up with a hooker (not, I’m sad to report, of the Pissing Russian variety) and recorded their genital-smushing in order to blackmail him.
Daddy’s Little Girl
Ivanka Trump is what happens when you cross Gwyneth Paltrow with Mussolini’s dumbest, laziest aide-de-camp. Watching her try to sell her father’s fascism as some sort of pro-woman lifestyle brand, marketed in the sickliest imaginable shade of pink, has been one of the most bizarre subplots of this nightmare we can’t seem to pinch ourselves out of.
So, while Melania Trump is perhaps not as shitty as many of the crooks, Nazis, and Nazi crooks who inhabit her dirtbag husband’s world, she manages to impressively shitty in her own right.
When you worked for Akin, things weren’t simple
Cuz he got caught on tape
With legitimate rape
Senior Advisor for Policy
Why is it always the shittiest imaginable white dudes who turn out to be white supremacists?
Stephen Miller, who started balding eleven seconds after his conception, has by all accounts been a sack of monkey shit pretty much every single minute of his life.
Director of Communications
Oh wow, this new Communications Director looks like a real character, huh?
Where to begin? Ok, Anthony Scaramucci first came to –
Wait, what? Really?
White Supremacist Multi-Tool
Kris Kobach is like the protagonist of the white supremacist version of one of those Disney movies where a kid learns to chase his dreams, no matter how big. The kid gets tired of the monotonous grind of burning crosses on just one lawn at a time, and dreams of burning a cross big enough for the whole dang country!
Maybe he has a talking/singing Confederate flag for a sidekick. Named “Bedford.”
Roving Freelance Fascist
As seen in the famed documentary RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK, when the Ark of the Covenant was opened on an uncharted island north of Crete, the burning light that issued thereof reduced the Nazi soldiers present to piles of ash and molten flesh. In time, the rains washed the fascist bio-goo into the island’s sewage system, where it mixed with the shit and piss and used tampons and such, and in time it congealed, took the shape of a man (albeit an unattractive one), slapped on a pair of glasses, and Sebastian Gorka was formed.
Speaker of the House
Paul Ryan was cloned from a single pubic hair plucked from Ayn Rand post-coitus and grown in a still in Charles Koch’s back yard.
Senate Majority Leader
Many years ago, Gamera was following the Grateful Dead on tour, and engaged in a brief-but-life-affirming affair with an Ohio River ‘gator that hung around Ma McConnell’s pig farm, picking off runts for sustenance. Nine months later, young Mitch emerged from a leathery egg, and devoured his fellow hatchlings, beginning his life-long love affair with hurting children.
Susan Collins is How It Happens Here, folks.
She’s supposed to be the rational centrist. The one who stands up to the increasingly-rabid gaggle of turd-spewing hyenas known as the Republican Party when they go too far. That’s whole point of Susan Collins. It’s the brand she’s been selling the people of Maine for years.
Anybody wondering if the GOP is still the party of Lincoln gets their answer whenever they take in James Daniel Jordan’s tension-racked, jacketless frame as he does his “indignant soccer dad demands to see a manager” routine during a committee hearing. Lincoln? That ship has sailed, caught fire, sunk, and been overrun by sea slugs and the ghosts of unusually shitty pirates. Sorry.
Official Sponsors of American Fascism
Chuck and Davey Koch decided that popping out of a rich lady’s vagina gave them the right to reshape the world however they saw fit, hurting whoever they wanted to in the process, and since the fundamental driving impulse of your average Republican politician is to sell out to the highest bidder, they haven’t exactly been proven wrong.
Ebola’s Back, Drumpf’s Trading American Foreign Policy for Chinese Cash, and Somehow Ice Cube is Mixed up in this Shit Now. Wait, WHAT?
I remember being a kid, going on camping trips…we’d gather around the fire, make s’mores and tell scary stories. Maybe the 2018 equivalent would keep the campfire, but we’d read the news to each other and drink till we passed out and had nightmares about a giant orange Stay Puft Marshmallow Man knocking over the Statue of Liberty, and then dry-humping it.
Bodacious Bob Mueller certainly is keeping busy, isn’t be? We recently learned he’s investigating some of those shady-looking donations to Shartboy’s laughably under-attended inauguration party, which makes sense since we don’t know where the fucking money went.
The larger point is, Mueller is investigating EVERYTHING, you cheap crooks. He’s got your tax returns. He’s got your bank accounts. He knows who ordered the Code Red. He knows who shot J.R. Someday, he’s gonna figure why you never learned how to tie a necktie like a normal human being. The Bobadook is coming, Motherfucker.
Hey! Brooklyn Nine-Nine got picked up by NBC AND Ebola resurfaced in the Democratic Republic of the Congo, proving you can’t keep a good sitcom/organ-liquefying virus down! On the Ebola side of the equation, Government Cheese Goebbels keeps trying to cut the Ebola-fightin’ budget, and the Genocidal Mustache Symbiotically Attached to John Bolton’s Upper Lip eliminated the office headed by the nation’s leading biodefense honcho.
My working theory is that Drumpf and Bolton recently stayed up late, screening OUTBREAK while pounding cheeseburgers and Dr. Pepper, proclaiming the scenario depicted in the film to be “Totally rad, except for the part where one of the generals was a black guy.”
Speaking of Bolton and his Malevolent Murderous Mustache, Johnboy is now threatening our longstanding-n-loyal NATO allies with sanctions if they don’t play ball and violate the Iran deal in spite of Iranian compliance, like a certain Oozing Scrotum Tumor who shall remain nameless at this time.
Got that? The United States government is threatening its closest friends with sanctions should they refuse to follow our lawless lead. Vlad Putin saw that interview and went “Comrades. You must pinch me. Right now. As hard as you can. I simply do not believe we have been so fortunate, that our humble investment has born such spectacularly destructive fruit!” (Once satisfied that he was indeed awake, Putin had the pinching attendants put to death, lest he tarnish his carefully-cultivated weak-man’s-idea-of-strength image.)
Last year, the Motherfucking President of the Ever-Lovin’ United States of America responded to an act of murderous terrorism by white supremacists by labelling the perpetrators “very fine people.” The men entrusted with the power to conduct oversight of the executive branch, Paul Ryan and Mitch McConnell, responded with a hearty, “Eh. Give us tax cuts and dirtbag federal judges, and we don’t give a flying fuck if you burn a cross in front of John Lewis’ office.”
And from that moment on, the bigots in our government knew they need know neither fear nor shame, so long as Ryan and McConnell held the reins of power. I bring this up here for two reasons.
First, to remind you all to VOTE IN THE GODDAMN MIDTERMS, and get everyone you know to vote in them, too.
Second, to introduce you to a sadly necessary new feature here on the blog, the Unashamedly Naked Racism Roundup:
Our star in the inaugural UNRR is Chief of Staff John Kelly, who’s such a workaday bigot it no longer even occurs to him to take off his hood for media interviews. As General Kelly demonstrated, nothing punctuates a lazy, half-hearted, attempt to find a bullshit excuse to justify your hateful war on immigrants quite like a casual “or whatever” when dismissing the fates of the hundreds of children torn from their families by your racist goon squad.
While we’re here, let’s note that the Shart House ran an event honoring military spouses, or just the white ladies anyway. Lord, it’s like Stephen Miller hand-picked the whole crowd. Like even 1980’s-style tokenism-with-a-heavy-dose-of-stereotyping would offend their Klansmen sensibilities. Fuck these shitty, shitty, people.
And in a final appalling act of Fuck You We’re Not Even Trying to Hide it Anymore, the Michigan GOP introduced a bill that literally exempts white Medicaid recipients from work requirements imposed on black ones.
That, my friends, is how emboldened the white supremacist Republican Party has become. A special Whites Only Safety Net. Would Flint still be without clean water if it weren’t majority African-American? That’s a dumb fucking question.
You may recall a few days ago when the National Rifle Association proved to be such a sad, unpopular, lawless, organization that they were unable to find anyone to preside over their More Murder, Please lobbying operations other than a disgraced criminal arms dealer. Well, Ollie North, who literally sold weapons to terrorists, says the REAL terrorists are the teenagers whose friends were gunned down by a maniac and found the experience so unpleasant they gave it a one-star Yelp review and decided to work for a world where maybe any lunatic can’t just walk into a store, effortlessly stock up on weapons of war, and then murder a whole bunch of human beings.
So, everybody knows Shart Garfunkel’s presidency has been light on accomplishments, beyond his I Sure Did Cut the Shit Out of My Own Taxes, Thanks for the Power, Suuuuuuuuckers! tax bill, and he likes to fill the void by…well, by making shit up. So when he took credit for giving the military their first pay raise in decade, extending his arms to collect the expected shower of roses he’d never have been able to catch anyway with his tiny, inadequate, hands, it was merely the latest example of an insecure wannabe tyrant demanding praise for something he had fuckall to do with.
IN FACT, military raises are determined by an existing formula, and Il Douche initially tried to shortchange our servicefolk by giving them a SMALLER raise than was mandated. The Treasury needs that money for golf vacations, Soldier Boy!
Rudy Giuliani continues his ongoing audition for some sort of Worst Lawyer Ever reality show that may or may not exist only in his head. (If it’s real though, I would watch that shit.) Now he’s saying Donnie Two-Scoops personally scrapped the AT&T/Time Warner merger, which is not the official story and seems in fact to be the core of AT&T’s legal case. You’re sort of amazed, that this famous, powerful, man could be this fucking stupid, until you remember he thought he could run for President without campaigning before the Florida primary.
Word is Rudy and Donnie huddle regularly for “strategy sessions,” which one must assume consist mainly of the former NYC mayor bludgeoning the President’s crotch with concrete blocks.
Giuliani also took a feeble a shot at Michael Avenatti, saying “I don’t get involved with pimps,” and America enjoyed a good sturdy gut laugh at the constantly-grifting, pussy-grabbing, traitor’s lawyer attempting to claim moral high ground.
Sarah Huckabee Slanders is MAD AS HELL that a member of her staff insulted an American war hero, no wait, excuse me, she’s pissy that it leaked to press when Kelly Sadler told a hilarious joke about cancer killing John McCain HAW HAW HAW. She’s not mad that a shallow, tacky, hateful, monstrous, idiot works for her, mind you. She’s mad that the world knows that a shallow, tacky, hateful, monstrous, idiot works for her.
Oh, and of course the shallow, tacky, hateful, monstrous, idiot will face no discipline whatsoever for being a shallow, tacky, hateful, monstrous idiot.
Now, it’s fucking hilarious (ALMOST AS HILARIOUS AS BRAIN CANCER HAW HAW HAW) that SHS’ meltdown over leaking…was immediately leaked. But somehow the Right Wing Victim Industrial Complex was out there spinning this garbage as some sort of violation of Sadler’s privacy, saying Sadler is the REAL victim here, because they decided a thousand miles back there wasn’t room on the wagon for Decency, and all they have left now is Whining.
(Quick little shout out to Axios, for gaslighting the gaslighters with a follow-up article asking leakers to leak to their top ten favorite things about leaking. Number 6 will have you in stitches!).
As if to demonstrate the insane difficulty I face running a political satire blog in these batshit cray-cray days, Tangerine Idi Amin, elected on the promise of bringing back America’s mining and manufacturing jobs despite having neither the plan nor the intention to do so, used the Electropneumatic Tweeting Machine to declare his newfound devotion to resurrecting lost jobs in…China?
Yes, the President of (let me double-check this real quick, this doesn’t seem right) the United States wants to help out a Chinese phone company suspected of espionage, which got into trouble in the first place for violating sanctions on Iran and North Korea. I dunno, “America First” must mean something different in those diners the political media always lurks around looking for Drumpf voters to interview.
Whelp. You in MAGA nation, if you’d ever bothered to flip your red ballcap over to check the “Made In” label, you’d have seen this coming.
The Mystery of Donnie Dotard and the Sudden Interest in Saving Chinese Jobs was quickly solved, as we learned the Chinese government had approved a cool 500 million dollars in loans to a resort project in Jakarta that benefits the ol’ Shart family business. These fucks are about as interested in hiding their corruption as their racism.
(And the chorus sings: THEY MADE JIMMY CARTER GIVE UP HIS PEANUT FARM.)
CBS reports the Shart Administration has ordered the television boxes at the Food and Drug Administration’s Center for Biologics Evaluation and Research to broadcast Fux Nooz and ONLY Fux Nooz! Perhaps it’s a deft strategic move designed to make it easier to induce vomiting among those who may’ve ingested toxic substances?
Betsy DeVos, who is unusually out-of-touch even amongst the group of Ridiculously Out-of-Touch Plutocrats Born Into Ridiculous Wealth, doesn’t generally like showing up for work (which is for peasants) but has somehow found the time to use her position to shield campus rapists, and now, for-profit colleges. Yes, the DeVostator has shut down a number of investigations into fraud by for-profit institutions, ODDLY while hiring many of their former employees as her personal aides.
Look, the POINT is, you could complain about being defrauded by a predatory for-profit college that never intended to deliver on its promises and was only interested in bleeding you dry, or you could think of how happy you’d be working the land for a benevolent overlord like Betsy who okay, would technically “own you like property” but would surely have a financial incentive to keep reasonably healthy until at least your late 40’s.
So, the lawyer representing the porn star suing the President for defamation released a photo of the President’s shady, criminally-connected lawyer with a wealthy Qatari official accused of attempting to bribe the administration. I swear to god, I got that from the news, not the back cover of a crappy paperback novel I found in a hair salon. Oh, and Ice Cube was there. I couldn’t make this shit up if I tried.
There’s a fun little piece in the Daily Beast about former Mike Flynn toady Ezra Cohen-Watnick trying to start up a little private espionage program within the NSC, in order to spy on his co-workers and root out those demonstrating insufficient loyalty to the Not-so-Great Pumpkin. It’s fun that old Stalinists are not only getting reincarnated, but finding their way to high-level jobs in the American government, isn’t it? This goon, booted from the NSC last year, is about to go to work for Jeff Sessions! Sleep tight!
Well, the Velveeta Vulgarian officially opened the relocated U.S. embassy in Jerusalem, a controversial move designed to placate the froth-n-spittle-coated base that wanted it for reasons they couldn’t possibly explain, the sad simple truth being it’s a cause dutifully parroted by sock puppet Congressdopes at the behest of powerful donors. I suppose a handful of the loonier types believe they just took a big step towards getting raptured up to spend eternity with Michele Bachmann in the Great Chik-fil-A in the sky, and who am I to stand between a maniac and his delusions?
The opening ceremony featured a prayer delivered by a bigoted “pastor” straight out of Mississippi Burning: the Musical, and – excuse me, it seems the Shart Administration actually felt the need to send TWO ass-backward HateYokels to speak at the event, just to eliminate any flickering illusion of decency. And Jared Kushner, to do the same for competence.
Oh, and the Israeli military killed dozens of protesters, including a number of children, which presented the Band of Bonehead Bigots in the executive branch with an opportunity to engage in their favorite pastime: demonizing Muslims.
We’ve known for a while now that Orange Julius Caesar disdains silly little things like “expertise,” believing the only true authority is bestowed by television ratings. Well now it turns out he and Sean Hannity talk every night, looking lustfully at the posters of Pol Pot adorning their bedroom walls, dreaming of all the shitty things they’ll do when they grow up.
With access to the finest minds and the greatest intelligence apparatus in human history, Fuck-O’s getting advice from Sean Frickin’ Hannity. We are all going to die.
The Failing New York Times says Team Shitgibbon Prime is feuding with Team Vice Shitgibbon over their dueling attempts to lead the festering pile of intestinal meat known as the Republican Party. If the Treasonous Grifters and Hairshirt-Clad Fanatics want to go to war, I say lock ‘em in a room full of hammers and let god* sort ‘em out.
Scott Pruitt’s EPA tried to bury a report on chemical water contamination, and let me say it’s really quite refreshing to encounter a Pruitt scandal that isn’t about spending copious amounts of taxpayer money on himself. Maybe he can punch a reporter, or solicit an undercover cop next week, change shit up a little bit.
And spare a thought for the great Harry “Honey Badger” Reid, who is battling cancer. Harry’s one tough ol’ bastard, so cancer’s got a fight on its hands this time. Harry used to box, y’know.
It never fucking stops, does it? While I would very much like to get off this ride now, I understand that is not an option, so instead I would very much like a beer or three. And while I don’t know quite how to restore sanity in my beloved country, at least I know where to go to procure beer. Tonight, it’ll have to do.
*In this case, Thor.