What the ever-loving hell is going on?

Well I wanted to rant a bit, but frankly there just hasn’t been that much going on. Oh sure, we laughed at Team Shart sending known adulteress Callista Gingrich to Vatican City as the fucking ambassador, and there were a few more humiliating polls, but all in all, it’s been so quiet you’d almost think we lived in normal times.

I mean, there was that one thing where WaPo told us that our President leaked highly classified information to Russian spies in an Oval Office meeting, but other than that, it’s been kinda dull.

Betsy DeVos contin- WAIT WHAT? SWEET TITTYFUCKING CHRIST WHAT DID YOU JUST SAY? WHAT THE LIVING FUCK IS HAPPENING? Please forgive any spelling errors from this point onward, as I’ll be typing by pounding my head on the keyboard.

Looks like I picked the wrong week to stop sprinkling meth on my avocado toast.

Yeah. It seems Littlefinger, desperate to impress the Russian spies and their totally unscreened camperspy who had to be giggling his ass off to have been granted access to the oval office, decided to strut about all the badass intelligence he gets, which DUH YOU ARE FUCKING PRESIDENT YOU LUMP OF CRISCO, and he figured they’d be extra impressed if he told them what the intelligence was, because maybe then he could invite them over to play Track and Field on Nintendo and his dad bought him the bigass floormat pad and it’s really cool but nobody ever wants to hang out because he’s a Big Fat Shart. So he gave them classified American secrets given by an ally earned at tremendous cost. Because of course he did.

The fit hit the shan more or less immediately. The usually rogue’s gallery of sycophants stumbled out with the usual laughably unbelievable denials, which were met with deserved skepticism after the Comey firing shitshow last week.

Desperate for cover, they trotted out H.R. McMaster, the last member of the administration with any credibility, who proceeded to place said credibility in the center of room, light it on fire, and then have Russian hookers put the fire out by pissing on it. He bobbed and weaved and denied everything except what the WaPo story actually said, namely that our Idiot Manchild President haphazardly threw classified information at a hostile foreign power simply because He Wanted Them to Love Him Oh God Everyone Knows I’m Shit Why Does No One Love Me Why Did You Send Me To Military School Daddyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy, hoping that no one would notice, but unfortunately for H.R. literally every single living person noticed, and also no one will ever trust a single word you say for the rest of your life you sellout piece of trash.

And it got worse. By Tuesday afternoon, we’d learned that The Man Who Is Basically If a Big Mac Had an Id had actually disclosed “Code Word”-level classified information, which is like Double Secret Classification, so seriously major fuckup there. And then it turned out the intel came from an ally that hadn’t granted permission to share it with other allies, let alone a Count Chocula cosplayer like Vladimir Putin.

And then it turned out that ally was Israel.

And so basically President Draft-Dodger/Valor Thief endangered the life of a highly-placed Israeli mole within ISIS just because he has a micropenis and spends 98% of his waking hours worrying that everyone around him notices that the bulge in his pants is conspicuously sock-shaped.

And yeah, this means that traditional American allies will be much less likely to share intelligence with us while this blundering nincompoop is in office, HOPE NONE OF US DIE CUZ OF THAT HAW HAW HAW. And yeah, we all read the stories where Israeli intelligence officials were all “Hey, that whole endangering-our-mole-what-do-you-think-this-shit-is-easy thing? MAJOR DICK MOVE.”

The President of the United States did this. In what repeated pinch tests tell me is the actual real world.

Meanwhile, the folks over in the Right Wing Lunatic Media Bubba-uhl did their damndest to talk about anything except the Oops I Did It Again/I Fucked Up My Job story. On the fly, they concocted, out of tongue depressors, cotton balls and paste, an insane conspiracy theory about a DNC staffer being murdered because of Wikileaks or some shit, and they were literally talking about Vince Foster in prime time, trying to keep their army of rubes from picking up their phones and finding out what was actually going on in the world.

Doesn’t seem to have worked.

As the story blew up, it became impossible to ignore. In an unprecedented rebuke, several Republican senators both hemmed AND hawed. John McCain wrote a Very Stern Letter, which is the opposite of doing Anything That Matters, but he wanted everyone to know that he is CONCERNED. Mitch McConnell bemoaned the DRAMA emanating from the executive because he would very much like to cut some rich dudes’ taxes before retreating to his shell for an afternoon’s hibernation, thank you very much. Basically they’ve all settled into a nice, comfortable “Trump can do anything and somehow people aren’t rioting in the streets so fuck off” routine, because they are more slug than man now, and are kind of getting used to the idea of being painted as clownishly submissive villains in the history books, because the history books don’t put the steak dinners on the table, after all.

In the background, John Cornyn and Gowdy Doody bowed out of consideration for the otherwise-enticing FBI director post, presumably because they don’t want to die in jail shackled to Jeff Sessions.

And ok. So you’re settling into the whole Russia boondoggle. You’re stuffing your melted brain back into your skull through the ear canal, and maybe you’re even chuckling at the prospect of SCROTUS giving a speech on Islam over the weekend. “It’ll be like Bill Cosby addressing an EMILY’s list fundraiser,” you tell yourself, a trainwreck of historic proportions. Comedy!

And then you get dat NYT push notification. You pour yourself a pint. (Of vodka.) You strap on your bicycle helmet, and you read the fucker.

Oh no big deal. James Comey has a bunch of memos saying that Orange Julius Caesar asked him, “Hey, lay off the whole investigating-Mike-Flynn shit. Yeah, maybe he’s a foreign agent and all that but c’mon, the Bro Code trumps that silly old U.S. Constitution, right?”

And the Holy-Sheepfucking-Crap-the-President-Got-an-Israeli-Intelligence-Agent-Killed Story, which was on the Mount Rushmore of Presidential Malfeasance stories, suddenly looks like a Ziggy comic in the middle of the newspaper, because we now have an OBSTRUCTION OF FUCKING JUSTICE HAVE YOU EVEN HEARD OF RICHARD NIXON YOU DOORKNOB story.

And the entire republican party disappeared like a wang in a cold pool. Team Shart issued a weak-ass denial, fully understanding that nobody anywhere trusts them to tell the truth about Who Farted let alone anything that matters. And, laughably, Fox News openly lamented, on-air, that they couldn’t find anyone to fall on Donnie Darko’s limp, tiny, sword.

Darrell Issa gave a reporter the finger. John McCain issued an even HARSHER statement (apologies to anyone who fainted at such risqué talk). And Jason Chaffetz pulled on his subpoenaing pants, laced up his subpoenaing boots, pulled out his subpoenaing pen (an actual pen, not a metaphor for his cock) and subpoenaed all the Shart House’s docs on this debacle. Shit got all kinds of real, is what I’m sayin’.

(As a wacky little side note, the same NTY story mentions that SHARTUS also asked Comey to throw the journalists who publish all those embarrassing leaks into some gulag someplace, which at any other point in your lives would be the biggest news story of all time, but today you read it and went “of course he did,” didn’t you?)

There’s more, of course, There’s always more insanity nowadays. There was a new Manafort-related subpoena. There was a story about the Shart transition team doin’ shady shit with classified information. And Sean Hannity is still pushing the Seth Rich “story,” presumably because Mike Pence promised him he could be Viceroy of Montana after the bombs start dropping.

In conclusion, in my professional opinion…shit be cray, people. Shit be cray.