Mike Pence is the Patron Saint of Mediocre White Dudes, and the Roman God of Failing Upwards.
A Democrat in his youth, Pence, like many men of limited intelligence, turned to religious conservatism for the convenience of being able to end arguments by claiming God shares his every fear and prejudice, while forgiving his every shortcoming, how convenient.
Secretary of State
Mike Pompeo is one of those performatively pious fake Christians who loves using his loudly-claimed-but-seldom-followed faith like a cudgel while ignoring every single word of the actual Bible, including “and” and “the.”
Secretary of State
Over the course of three decades, Rex Tillerson fucked, bribed, and murdered his way to the top of Exxon Mobil, like some sort of jowlsy Eva Peron.
William Barr actually taught me a valuable lesson. See, I didn’t look too closely at Bill when he was nominated to be Attorney General. After Jeff “Too Racist for the 80’s” Sessions and the masculine toilet guy, honestly, he looked like a nice, refreshing, safe, traditional Republican. An institutionalist who could bring a little much-needed stability.
And then he turned out to be a fascist, and one of the most dangerous enemies of democracy in American history. Whoops. My bad.
Secretary of the Treasury
Steve Mnuchin, like his namesake, the Noise You Make When You’re Dry Heaving After Getting Food Poisoning From Eating Truck Stop Gas Station Roller Hot Pockets on a Road Trip, is deeply unpleasant, and may result in the involuntary voiding of foul-smelling bodily fluids.
Secretary of Defense
Chief of Staff
National Security Advisor
Holy shit, there are Generals all over the place these days, aren’t there?
Retired General James Mattis serves as Secretary of Defense. Retired General John Kelly ran Homeland Security for a bit, before becoming the Lead Executive Branch Babysitter, excuse me, Chief of Staff. H.R. McMaster’s the National Security Advisor, and hell, he’s still on active duty.
Jefferson Beauregard Sessions, third generation of his family to carry the name of a Confedarate piece of trash and also a second Confederate piece of trash, is living his dream. As Velveeta Goebbels’ Attorney General, he’s turning back the clock to a time when women and minorities knew their place, and mediocre white dudes like himself got to run everything, even if they weren’t especially bright.
Ryan Zinke is like if the crappiest robot in Westworld escaped and jumped into conservative politics. He’s such a cartoon cowboy, I bet his right boot says “Andy” on the bottom.
Secretary of Commerce
When a witch’s curse transformed his master into a Beast and his fellow servants into household objects, Wilbur Ross became a decorative garden gnome. Unlike the rest of his compatriots, he ventured out into the world to make his fortune in the realm of shady international finance and money laundering, and when True Love’s Kiss lifted the curse, Wilbur was too far away for the enchantment to reverse, and thus he remains trapped in gnome form forever.
Secretary of Health and Human Services
If the Hippocratic Oath is binding in any sort of spiritual sense, Tom Price is royally fucked, y’all. There is some straight Dante shit awaitin’ him in the afterlife.
Secretary of Housing and Urban Development
Dr. Ben Carson is only in politics because he was rude President Obama to his face. At the 2013 National Prayer Breakfast, a traditionally non-political event, Dr. Ben, having been invited as the keynote speaker, decided to use his time to shit on the President and his policies.
Secretary of Education
Betsy DeVos is what happens when bored white ladies have enough money to really fuck shit up. Turns out, if you’re born rich and marry richer, you don’t have to settle for a book club, you can buy yourself a whole cabinet department!
Administrator of the EPA
Scott Pruitt, like a lot of boys his age, grew up watching Captain Planet cartoons. Unlike most boys his age, he decided that the various sludge-smog-and-toxic-waste-slinging villains were the role models for him.
Ok, fine. Pruitt is ten years too old to have grown up on Captain Planet, but fuck you, that’s a good opening paragraph. Make your own fucking website, you don’t like it.
Chief of Staff
Nobody wants to be Reince Priebus when they grow up. He’s just so immediately recognizable as a weaselly little tapeworm of a man, y’know?
Reince Priebus is the sort of person who would be played by Brad Dourif in a film.
Steve Bannon played Bob Ewell in a high school production of To Kill a Mockingbird, and liked it so much he decided to stay in the character for the rest of his life.
A self-described Leninist, and an outspoken populist*, Bannon wants to kidney-punch the administrative state, give it a wedgie, and steal its lunch money.
Jared Kushner was born on third base and thinks he invented baseball.
Jared’s dad, Charles Kushner, went to jail for tax evasion, illegal campaign donations, and, ahem, “witness tampering,” by which I mean he set his brother-in-law up with a hooker (not, I’m sad to report, of the Pissing Russian variety) and recorded their genital-smushing in order to blackmail him.
Daddy’s Little Girl
Ivanka Trump is what happens when you cross Gwyneth Paltrow with Mussolini’s dumbest, laziest aide-de-camp. Watching her try to sell her father’s fascism as some sort of pro-woman lifestyle brand, marketed in the sickliest imaginable shade of pink, has been one of the most bizarre subplots of this nightmare we can’t seem to pinch ourselves out of.
So, while Melania Trump is perhaps not as shitty as many of the crooks, Nazis, and Nazi crooks who inhabit her dirtbag husband’s world, she manages to impressively shitty in her own right.
When you worked for Akin, things weren’t simple
Cuz he got caught on tape
With legitimate rape
Senior Advisor for Policy
Why is it always the shittiest imaginable white dudes who turn out to be white supremacists?
Stephen Miller, who started balding eleven seconds after his conception, has by all accounts been a sack of monkey shit pretty much every single minute of his life.
Director of Communications
Oh wow, this new Communications Director looks like a real character, huh?
Where to begin? Ok, Anthony Scaramucci first came to –
Wait, what? Really?
White Supremacist Multi-Tool
Kris Kobach is like the protagonist of the white supremacist version of one of those Disney movies where a kid learns to chase his dreams, no matter how big. The kid gets tired of the monotonous grind of burning crosses on just one lawn at a time, and dreams of burning a cross big enough for the whole dang country!
Maybe he has a talking/singing Confederate flag for a sidekick. Named “Bedford.”
Roving Freelance Fascist
As seen in the famed documentary RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK, when the Ark of the Covenant was opened on an uncharted island north of Crete, the burning light that issued thereof reduced the Nazi soldiers present to piles of ash and molten flesh. In time, the rains washed the fascist bio-goo into the island’s sewage system, where it mixed with the shit and piss and used tampons and such, and in time it congealed, took the shape of a man (albeit an unattractive one), slapped on a pair of glasses, and Sebastian Gorka was formed.
Speaker of the House
Paul Ryan was cloned from a single pubic hair plucked from Ayn Rand post-coitus and grown in a still in Charles Koch’s back yard.
Senate Majority Leader
Many years ago, Gamera was following the Grateful Dead on tour, and engaged in a brief-but-life-affirming affair with an Ohio River ‘gator that hung around Ma McConnell’s pig farm, picking off runts for sustenance. Nine months later, young Mitch emerged from a leathery egg, and devoured his fellow hatchlings, beginning his life-long love affair with hurting children.
Susan Collins is How It Happens Here, folks.
She’s supposed to be the rational centrist. The one who stands up to the increasingly-rabid gaggle of turd-spewing hyenas known as the Republican Party when they go too far. That’s whole point of Susan Collins. It’s the brand she’s been selling the people of Maine for years.
Anybody wondering if the GOP is still the party of Lincoln gets their answer whenever they take in James Daniel Jordan’s tension-racked, jacketless frame as he does his “indignant soccer dad demands to see a manager” routine during a committee hearing. Lincoln? That ship has sailed, caught fire, sunk, and been overrun by sea slugs and the ghosts of unusually shitty pirates. Sorry.
Official Sponsors of American Fascism
Chuck and Davey Koch decided that popping out of a rich lady’s vagina gave them the right to reshape the world however they saw fit, hurting whoever they wanted to in the process, and since the fundamental driving impulse of your average Republican politician is to sell out to the highest bidder, they haven’t exactly been proven wrong.
Fascist Idiots Fuck Up Literally Everything, Part LXXXVII
Hey there, Resisters, hope the federal government hasn’t abducted you into an unmarked van, but if they have, I hope you’re getting good enough reception in there to read my shit. Things’re just gonna keep getting crazier and crazier out here, so you may be better off in the van, honestly.
Of course you know this by now, but yes, last weekend saw the passing of one of the greatest Americans who ever lived, Congressman John Lewis. God knows he deserved to be there the day we finally get rid of these cheap white supremacist thugs, but I guess we don’t get to make those calls. I don’t know what to do except grieve the loss, and get back to work.
I was actually worried I wouldn’t be able to get a blog up tonight, I’ve been so busy slapping the congressman’s name out of Republicans’ mouths as they vomit up their bullshit tributes, one after the other, as though they don’t spend their lives perpetrating the very evil Lewis spent his whole life fighting. That Mitch McConnell’s desk didn’t burst into flames for simultaneously holding both his disingenuous statement and the voting rights bill he’s been blocking certainly reaffirms my atheism, not that I’ve had many doubts lately, what with all the inescapable awfulness.
The Marco Rubio brand survived the nation’s moment of grief intact; we’ve come to expect clownishness and disappointment from the Florida Senator, and boy did he deliver with the All Civil Rights Heroes Look Alike to Me tweet we all knew was coming from at least one Republican Senator, and yeah, most likely Marco (Dan Sullivan, too!). And to think, some say the party has a racism problem.
I was gonna write about the lies in Dorito Mussolini’s latest anti-Biden ad, but Linkin Park got it taken down almost immediately over a copyright violation, because getting legally smacked down by pop musicians is somebody’s kink over there in the Shart Campaign. I’m sure losing a fight to aging suburban white boy rage rockers is great for projecting an authoritarian strongman image, right?
Anyhoo, even though the President assured us the coronavirus would go away, it has decidedly not gone away, wow, that’s weird, that bit always works on Chuck Todd. Florida seems hellbent on DiMaggioing their 10,000-cases-or-so every day streak, and we learned one Texas county has seen 85 infants test positive for COVID-19 since March.
Will you do me a favor and say that out loud to yourself? Scream it, ideally. EIGHTY-FIVE BABIES IN ONE COUNTY GOT COVID. There is NO fucking excuse for this to still be happening in the richest, most advanced nation in human history. We are not in the HOLY SHIT WHAT THE FUCK DO WE DO stage anymore. We haven’t been for weeks. We know what we need to do. Every other first world nation has figured this shit out, and the solutions are right there on the internet, there isn’t even a paywall, though I’m willing to Venmo Jacinda Ardern a few bucks if it will speed things along, because I’m real fucking tired of being trapped inside my apartment by this state-mandated fake ignorance.
Because still, STILL, after all this time and trauma and devastation and death, the Treasonweasel Administration is actually trying to fucking block funding for testing and tracing in the next stimulus bill.
The MADNESS of that. It’s straight George R.R. Martin shit.
They’ve basically got Steve Mnuchin at the negotiating table, going, “The official position of the President and his campaign is that there is no coronavirus problem, and therefore we will not allow you to fight the coronavirus.”
What the living FUCK, man? Like, let’s work out a compromise where we get the funding but you pretend it never happened (you have a lot of practice with that shit, after all), we’re just trying to survive the last act of this tragedy, y’know?
Now, the second half of the master re-election plan, after Pretend Pandemic Isn’t Happening Tee Hee No One Will Ever Find Out Otherwise, is still to terrify suburban voters into backing him, by telling them campfire ghost stories about roving antifa mobs that’re coming to their neighborhoods to fuck up all their shit for Some Reason.
Trouble is, the mobs have been uncooperatively peaceful, which I guess isn’t that much of a problem if you’re planning a police state-style crackdown anyway. I mean, if you really want scary footage of violence in the streets, you can always just send unidentified federal officers out into said streets, and tell them to start hurting people. Of course no decent president would order such a monstrous thing, but a little while back, America decided that they’d rather sacrifice decency than take down the No Girls Allowed sign outside the Oval Office.
However, the city of Portland responded to Operation: Please Mom Can I Have Just a Little Fascism with an even larger, peacefuller protest, daring the goose-steppers to start some shit with the whole world watching, denying Hairplug Himmler the violent response he so desperately sought to provoke. This plan is horrifying, yes, but it’s also totally fucking transparent, because it’s been conceived by idiots.
Speaking of idiot goose-steppers, holy balls we have some eager little Hitler youth over at the Department of Homeland Security. Acting (and good luck getting the little Nazi confirmed, you fucks) DHS Secretary Chad Wolf may not have a thimble’s worth of experience to qualify him for his very powerful job, but he’s quite certain he has the authority to dispatch his unaccountable ICEtapo wherever he fucking well pleases, to kidnap whichever Americans they’re moved by the moment to kidnap, desires and rights of the local authorities be damned.
Chad Wolf is how shit like the Holocaust happens, folks. Angry, subpar dudes discover they can obtain positions of terrifying power by flattering a demagogue and enacting his violent will. We’re only lucky it took Government Cheese Goebbels so long to find the likes of Wolf and Bill Barr; contemplating the atrocities these fucks would commit if they got a second term would, I fear, spoil my sunny disposition.
And then there’s equally unconfirmed and unconfirmable Ken Cuccinelli, who has clearly been offered first pick of the concentration camps after the Night of the Long Knives. Cooch can’t wait to take this third world secret police act on the road, openly fantasizing about teaching all those big-city liberals a lesson ‘neath the heel of his shiny boot. Kenny is behaving like a man who wants to hurt as many people as he can before the cops drag him away, because that’s exactly what he is.
And on Fux n’ Fiendz, Resentment Spigot Tom Cotton practically drooled on himself in his giddiness to characterize Portland’s tear-gassed mom brigade as basically the same as Confederate traitors so why aren’t we lobbing cannonballs at them already? Anyway, the We Should Kill More Liberals wing of the Republican Party isn’t going away any time soon.
Apparently President Ostomy Bag saw the latest polling and finally decided, “Fuck it, I’m gonna need a job soon,” and applied for a position on the Biden campaign. What other possible explanation could there be for the interview he gave to Chris Wallace? “I’ll show America how stupid n’ crazy n’ dangerously unfit I am, Joe’ll be so glad, maybe he’ll ask the next Attorney General to go easy on me” kinda thing.
Because even in a world that’s grown numb to shitshows, this was a Shitshow for the Ages. The President of the United States of America, the most powerful man on the planet, called out to his face by a reporter for boasting about correctly identifying a drawing of an elephant. For a moment it was almost like a scene in a drawing-room comedy, the smirking Wallace heroically exposing a boorish oaf, and then you remembered, “right, this is the guy with unilateral authority to launch nuclear strikes,” and you cried/drank/screamed yourself to sleep.
And the cognitive test bit was merely one narrow slice of a very large cake made from howling lunacy, and frosted with Holy Fuck We Are All Going to Die. There were so many utterly insane things said in this interview, I’m almost tempted to link to the inevitable Chris Cillizza listicle, but I have, y’know…standards.
Anyway, the Biden camp said they’d try to find something appropriate, given Donnie’s experience and ability, but they already have a whole bunch of doorstops.
Roger Stone is certainly enjoying life without consequences, spitting a slur at a Black radio host during an interview, then immediately denying he’d done so, going through the full life cycle of the playground bully in just a few short minutes.
As expected, we’re seeing a lot of authoritarian lashing out from Tangerine Idi Amin during the “cornered rat” phase of his presidency, and I have to admit it’s not awesome. Allegedly he has interpreted the recent Supreme Court ruling on DACA to mean he has limitless powers to impose policy without Congress, the sort of basic misinterpretation of the Constitution that would get you held back in seventh grade, but of course the last three years have shown us the kind of damage he can inflict before the courts can stop him. The lame duck weeks are gonna be so great, when he tries to punish us all for rejecting him and sending him to military school why don’t you love me Daddyyyyyyyyyyyyyy we are so very very fucked.
He wasted little time taking his new Turns Out I’m God theory of presidential power out for a spin, ordering the exclusion of undocumented immigrants from the numbers used to draw new congressional districts after the census, which would be an enormous, disgusting boon to the institutional white supremacy that’s already saddled us with McConnell’s Tyranny of the Dirtbag Minority Senate, so fuck this racist power grab with something particularly jagged.
Everyone’s been so delighted with the magnificent spite the NeverTrumpers at the Lincoln Project have been spreading around the internet, I don’t have the heart to wake them from their dream of de-batshitifying the GOP in the A.D.* years, but…it ain’t happening, kids. This is not a cult looking to be deprogrammed. Shit, Allen West has just been elected chair of the Texas Republican Party. If your essays are at these gatherings at all, Bill Kristol, it’s only to get the bonfire for the book burning started. Sorry, bro.
People Magazine’s Sexiest Brain Alive Dr. Anthony Fauci has been selected to throw out the first pitch of the Washington Nationals’ pandemic-shortened season, something Cult45’s Crotchrash God has always been too terrified to do, since his puny arms wouldn’t be able to lob a baseball six fucking feet, not that his ineffectual baby hands could even grasp the thing in the first place. This is A+ trolling by the Nats, a great election-season reminder that the incumbent president is more pathetic than any character on Steve Buscemi’s resume.
Some skeevy Trump fan named Roy Den Hollander tried to murder a Latina judge he was obsessed with, wounding her husband and killing her son, because he was a racist “men’s rights activist” terrorist creep. I say “was,” because naturally, Hollander wasn’t man enough to face the consequences of his actions; he killed himself, so we should definitely approach his mewling loser manifestos on male superiority with scholarly rigor, I’m sure he has so much to teach us.
I believe in ongoing education, and today I learned the name of the Republican Speaker of the Ohio House of Representatives! It’s Larry Householder, and suddenly LOTS of people know who he is, on account of how he got arrested for (allegedly) participating in a $60 million bribery scheme. The Republican Party is basically an organized crime ring that earns voter support by shrieking about the War on Xmas, and you almost have to tip your cap to such a well-executed scam.
Meanwhile Smilin’ Joe Biden popped up to remind Vladimir Putin that his lease at 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue is just about up, and will not be renewed, by the way good luck getting your deposit back, asshole. Sure was refreshing to see a potential president take sides against the nation’s enemies for a change.
The feral assclowns of the Freedumb Caucus are hungrily circling Liz Cheney, who has betrayed the Emperor of Shitmaggots by (checks notes) urging folks to listen to science and Dr. Fauci rather than the What You Should Drink Is Bleach guy. If you’re going to fight amongst yourselves, children, at least let us watch.
And Melting Crisco Slab Ted Yoho, no doubt frustrated by the general uselessness and unimpressiveness of his pathetic life, lashed out vulgarly at Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez, because FAMILY VALUES, right? Ted. Teddy. Congresswoman Ocasio-Cortez is your colleague, your equal, and that alone should command your respect were you not a walking lump of shit, but in all the ways that matter, she’s observably your superior. You’re slinking away after an entirely undistinguished career as one of the Koch brothers’ interchangeable puppets, because you don’t have the skill or the attention span to handle serving in the minority, shut your dumbfuck mouth and just go back to your office to start packing.
I see the Committee to Re-Elect the Taintfungus has blown almost a billion dollars so far, with nothing to show for it beyond a rapidly-fading view of Joe Biden’s septuagenarian backside. If it’s any consolation, Dotard, you can always phone up Mike Bloomberg to commiserate; heck, you two could start a little support group.
And President Gas Station Urinal Cake brought back his precious coronavirus briefings today. He was reasonably well-behaved…for him, I suppose, (this is the sort of thought one has about an ill-trained dog, but here we are) though he did wish notorious sex trafficker Ghislaine Maxwell well, because…fuck, I dunno, maybe some witch placed a curse on him where he’s incapable of opening his mouth without belching up the most indecent imaginable bile? I got nothin’ here. Fuck.
Welp, I’m sure I missed shit tonight, but that’s about as much as I can fucking take. If anybody needs me, I’m gonna grab a six pack of something and stumble around muttering BUT HER EMAILS to myself.