Mike Pence is the Patron Saint of Mediocre White Dudes, and the Roman God of Failing Upwards.
A Democrat in his youth, Pence, like many men of limited intelligence, turned to religious conservatism for the convenience of being able to end arguments by claiming God shares his every fear and prejudice, while forgiving his every shortcoming, how convenient.
Secretary of State
Over the course of three decades, Rex Tillerson fucked, bribed, and murdered his way to the top of Exxon Mobil, like some sort of jowlsy Eva Peron.
Secretary of the Treasury
Steve Mnuchin, like his namesake, the Noise You Make When You’re Dry Heaving After Getting Food Poisoning From Eating Truck Stop Gas Station Roller Hot Pockets on a Road Trip, is deeply unpleasant, and may result in the involuntary voiding of foul-smelling bodily fluids.
Secretary of Defense
Chief of Staff
National Security Advisor
Holy shit, there are Generals all over the place these days, aren’t there?
Retired General James Mattis serves as Secretary of Defense. Retired General John Kelly ran Homeland Security for a bit, before becoming the Lead Executive Branch Babysitter, excuse me, Chief of Staff. H.R. McMaster’s the National Security Advisor, and hell, he’s still on active duty.
Jefferson Beauregard Sessions, third generation of his family to carry the name of a Confedarate piece of trash and also a second Confederate piece of trash, is living his dream. As Velveeta Goebbels’ Attorney General, he’s turning back the clock to a time when women and minorities knew their place, and mediocre white dudes like himself got to run everything, even if they weren’t especially bright.
Ryan Zinke is like if the crappiest robot in Westworld escaped and jumped into conservative politics. He’s such a cartoon cowboy, I bet his right boot says “Andy” on the bottom.
Secretary of Commerce
When a witch’s curse transformed his master into a Beast and his fellow servants into household objects, Wilbur Ross became a decorative garden gnome. Unlike the rest of his compatriots, he ventured out into the world to make his fortune in the realm of shady international finance and money laundering, and when True Love’s Kiss lifted the curse, Wilbur was too far away for the enchantment to reverse, and thus he remains trapped in gnome form forever.
Secretary of Health and Human Services
If the Hippocratic Oath is binding in any sort of spiritual sense, Tom Price is royally fucked, y’all. There is some straight Dante shit awaitin’ him in the afterlife.
Secretary of Housing and Urban Development
Dr. Ben Carson is only in politics because he was rude President Obama to his face. At the 2013 National Prayer Breakfast, a traditionally non-political event, Dr. Ben, having been invited as the keynote speaker, decided to use his time to shit on the President and his policies.
Secretary of Education
Betsy DeVos is what happens when bored white ladies have enough money to really fuck shit up. Turns out, if you’re born rich and marry richer, you don’t have to settle for a book club, you can buy yourself a whole cabinet department!
Administrator of the EPA
Scott Pruitt, like a lot of boys his age, grew up watching Captain Planet cartoons. Unlike most boys his age, he decided that the various sludge-smog-and-toxic-waste-slinging villains were the role models for him.
Ok, fine. Pruitt is ten years too old to have grown up on Captain Planet, but fuck you, that’s a good opening paragraph. Make your own fucking website, you don’t like it.
Chief of Staff
Nobody wants to be Reince Priebus when they grow up. He’s just so immediately recognizable as a weaselly little tapeworm of a man, y’know?
Reince Priebus is the sort of person who would be played by Brad Dourif in a film.
Steve Bannon played Bob Ewell in a high school production of To Kill a Mockingbird, and liked it so much he decided to stay in the character for the rest of his life.
A self-described Leninist, and an outspoken populist*, Bannon wants to kidney-punch the administrative state, give it a wedgie, and steal its lunch money.
Jared Kushner was born on third base and thinks he invented baseball.
Jared’s dad, Charles Kushner, went to jail for tax evasion, illegal campaign donations, and, ahem, “witness tampering,” by which I mean he set his brother-in-law up with a hooker (not, I’m sad to report, of the Pissing Russian variety) and recorded their genital-smushing in order to blackmail him.
When you worked for Akin, things weren’t simple
Cuz he got caught on tape
With legitimate rape
Senior Advisor for Policy
Why is it always the shittiest imaginable white dudes who turn out to be white supremacists?
Stephen Miller, who started balding eleven seconds after his conception, has by all accounts been a sack of monkey shit pretty much every single minute of his life.
Director of Communications
Oh wow, this new Communications Director looks like a real character, huh?
Where to begin? Ok, Anthony Scaramucci first came to –
Wait, what? Really?
White Supremacist Multi-Tool
Kris Kobach is like the protagonist of the white supremacist version of one of those Disney movies where a kid learns to chase his dreams, no matter how big. The kid gets tired of the monotonous grind of burning crosses on just one lawn at a time, and dreams of burning a cross big enough for the whole dang country!
Maybe he has a talking/singing Confederate flag for a sidekick. Named “Bedford.”
Roving Freelance Fascist
As seen in the famed documentary RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK, when the Ark of the Covenant was opened on an uncharted island north of Crete, the burning light that issued thereof reduced the Nazi soldiers present to piles of ash and molten flesh. In time, the rains washed the fascist bio-goo into the island’s sewage system, where it mixed with the shit and piss and used tampons and such, and in time it congealed, took the shape of a man (albeit an unattractive one), slapped on a pair of glasses, and Sebastian Gorka was formed.
Speaker of the House
Paul Ryan was cloned from a single pubic hair plucked from Ayn Rand post-coitus and grown in a still in Charles Koch’s back yard.
Senate Majority Leader
Many years ago, Gamera was following the Grateful Dead on tour, and engaged in a brief-but-life-affirming affair with an Ohio River ‘gator that hung around Ma McConnell’s pig farm, picking off runts for sustenance. Nine months later, young Mitch emerged from a leathery egg, and devoured his fellow hatchlings, beginning his life-long love affair with hurting children.
Fete the Fourth with Familiar Falsehoods, a Flipping Fixer, and…the FART Act?
This week, we celebrate Independence Day. And we should celebrate extra hard, because Paul Manafort can’t. I don’t think they allow Roman Candles in solitary.
Kim Jong-un is certainly throwing a party, in honor of his Independence From Having to do Anything Even Remotely Resembling Ending his Nuclear Program and by the way Thanks for Stopping Those Training Exercises, You Fucking Rube, You. I am told there will be cake. And executions.
Hugh Hewitt has earned his independence from hosting his MSNBC show, without firing a single shot! Surely that’s worth a sparkler or two!
Republican donor Elliot Broidy has declared himself free from the obligation to pay hush money to his alleged former mistress, probably cuz the whole fucking world knows about it, so why not save a buck or two?
Susan Collins proclaimed her autonomy from accountability for Shart Garfunkel’s pending SCOTUS appointment’s inevitable vote to kidney-punch Roe v Wade. “It’s settled law!” she insists, as though the chance to transform women from citizens with rights back into property without control over their own bodies isn’t pure, undistilled viagra to the Mike Pence wing of her party. Senator Collins’ plan seems to be an intense regimen of burying her head in any and all available sand right up until the minute the 5-4 ruling comes down, and then proclaiming herself to be really very shocked that respect for precedent failed to carry the day.
Meanwhile the GOP trumpets its freedom from Decency, with Presidential Pardon Recipient/Projectile Jagoff Dinesh D’Souza giddily retweeting fascist hashtags and even Ol’ Ron Paul popping up to remind everyone that he’s still alive, and still super duper racist. Anyhow, the proposed D’Souza/Paul buddy cop sitcom slated for this fall has, obviously, been cancelled.
Maxine Waters holds this truth to be self-evident: she has precisely zero fucks left to give. Speaking at one of Saturday’s rallies, Mad Maxine called out all the sad little MAGAt colonmites making death threats. You come at the Queen, you best not miss. She’ll grab y’all by your tiny, distended ballsacks and drag you home to your mommies.
Speaking of those rallies, nicely done, Resisters! More than 700 marches, hundreds of thousands of protesters! We the People will not sit idly by while Drumpf and Sessions and that Runt Klansman, Stephen Miller open concentration camps for children in our name. Last weekend, we marched…just a few tantalizing-short weeks from now, we VOTE.
In comparison, from his hilariously-under-attended inauguration on, the Candycorn Skidmark hasn’t been able to conjure any similar enthusiasm from his own people. The pro-Trump contingent over the weekend amounted to a handful of violent white supremacist “proud boys” in Portland, and a single crotchtumor waving a gun at protesters in Alabama.
But how can we adequately discuss this commemoration of self-sovereignty without pausing to praise the heroes of ICE, who have liberated entire towns from the dastardly clutches of MS-13! Towns like…well, for example…just off the top of my head…ummmm…HEY LOOK OVER THERE, ISN’T THAT YAHOO SERIOUS?
Yeah, Lil’ Donnie Two-Scoops is pulling entire military operations out of his ass now. Can’t wait till he starts makin’ shit up about the non-existent Space Force winning fictitious battles against made-up aliens that all look like Hillary Clinton, but green.
Anyway, ICE couldn’t possibly be liberating any towns, they’re way too busy deporting parents away from their children.
Hey look, Axios got ahold of a leaked draft of something called the FART Act, a bill that would essentially pull the U.S. out of the WTO and give La Grande Sharte broad new powers to escalate his job-destroying trade war. You have to admit, it’s kind of cute that the dipshit who couldn’t get Obamacare repeal through a Republican Congress even dreams he could get this genuinely daffy bill passed.
Red Rover, Red Rover, have Michael Cohen roll over! Yes, the Sensei of Sez-Hoo is squawking about how the Velveeta Vulgarian may no longer command his shitty goon loyalty, IS THERE NO HONOR AMONG FUCKWEASELS? Now, maybe he’s signaling cooperation, and maybe he’s just begging for a pardon, but I’ll bet Boss Shart sweats through a couple extra pairs of golf pants this week.
A U.S District judge struck down Kentucky’s plan to force work requirements on Medicaid recipients, so Tea Party Governor Matt Bevin lashed out like a toddler who’d been denied ice cream, cutting dental and vision benefits from half a million of his constituents, cuz what’s the point of even being Governor if you can’t dehumanize the less fortunate, amiright?
Congrats go out to Andres Manuel Lopez Obrador, who will become the latest President of Mexico to refuse to pay for Government Cheese Goebbels’ Big Stupid Border Wall. Still, you just know Dumbass is going to ask, because dammit, he just doesn’t feel like he’s put in a full day’s work if he hasn’t embarrassed the shit out of the nation at least once.
Big summit coming up with Putin, and the question on everybody’s lips is “Will President Crotchvoid recognize Crimea as part of Russia after they took it by military force in defiance of international law?” which is a totally normal thing to be wondering about the President of the United States who is totally not a Russian asset how dare you even suggest such a thing.
Look, I don’t want to shit all over what ought to be a relaxing holiday break, but some travesties demand our attention, even when it would be easier to look away. No, I’m not talking about the families ripped apart, or the children detained in cages…I’m talking about the social shunning Alan Dershowitz is experiencing up at Martha’s Vineyard. Wow. Rick folks don’t want to hang out with a withered old fuckwad working as a talking head teevee shield for a wannabe fascist. I ask you, IS THIS EVEN AMERICA ANYMORE?
I guess Donnie Dotard’s been scrawling angry letters to our NATO allies, somewhere in between parroting Russian propaganda and praising the 3rd world dictator who’s mocking him in front of the entire world. The letters are allegedly not even accompanied by Starburst candies, so the kid gloves are really off now.*
Anyway, I’m wrapping this one up early so we can all get on with our holiday festivities by which I mean the big fat Antifa Civil War we’re launching, but seriously, who told Alex Jones IT WAS SUPPOSED TO BE A SURPRISE.
PS, I see Fat Q*Bert refused a request to order flags lowered to half-mast in honor of the Capital Gazette shooting victims, no doubt because he’s itching to get back to demonizing the press as “enemies of the people” as soon as inhumanly possible. What an ass.
*In Drumpf’s case “kid gloves” really just means “gloves,” of course.