This week, we celebrate Independence Day. And we should celebrate extra hard, because Paul Manafort can’t. I don’t think they allow Roman Candles in solitary.

Kim Jong-un is certainly throwing a party, in honor of his Independence From Having to do Anything Even Remotely Resembling Ending his Nuclear Program and by the way Thanks for Stopping Those Training Exercises, You Fucking Rube, You. I am told there will be cake. And executions.

Hugh Hewitt has earned his independence from hosting his MSNBC show, without firing a single shot! Surely that’s worth a sparkler or two!

Republican donor Elliot Broidy has declared himself free from the obligation to pay hush money to his alleged former mistress, probably cuz the whole fucking world knows about it, so why not save a buck or two?

Susan Collins proclaimed her autonomy from accountability for Shart Garfunkel’s pending SCOTUS appointment’s inevitable vote to kidney-punch Roe v Wade. “It’s settled law!” she insists, as though the chance to transform women from citizens with rights back into property without control over their own bodies isn’t pure, undistilled viagra to the Mike Pence wing of her party. Senator Collins’ plan seems to be an intense regimen of burying her head in any and all available sand right up until the minute the 5-4 ruling comes down, and then proclaiming herself to be really very shocked that respect for precedent failed to carry the day.

Meanwhile the GOP trumpets its freedom from Decency, with Presidential Pardon Recipient/Projectile Jagoff Dinesh D’Souza giddily retweeting fascist hashtags and even Ol’ Ron Paul popping up to remind everyone that he’s still alive, and still super duper racist.  Anyhow, the proposed D’Souza/Paul buddy cop sitcom slated for this fall has, obviously, been cancelled.

Maxine Waters holds this truth to be self-evident: she has precisely zero fucks left to give. Speaking at one of Saturday’s rallies, Mad Maxine called out all the sad little MAGAt colonmites making death threats. You come at the Queen, you best not miss. She’ll grab y’all by your tiny, distended ballsacks and drag you home to your mommies.

Speaking of those rallies, nicely done, Resisters! More than 700 marches, hundreds of thousands of protesters! We the People will not sit idly by while Drumpf and Sessions and that Runt Klansman, Stephen Miller open concentration camps for children in our name. Last weekend, we marched…just a few tantalizing-short weeks from now, we VOTE.

In comparison, from his hilariously-under-attended inauguration on, the Candycorn Skidmark hasn’t been able to conjure any similar enthusiasm from his own people. The pro-Trump contingent over the weekend amounted to a handful of violent white supremacist “proud boys” in Portland, and a single crotchtumor waving a gun at protesters in Alabama.

But how can we adequately discuss this commemoration of self-sovereignty without pausing to praise the heroes of ICE, who have liberated entire towns from the dastardly clutches of MS-13! Towns like…well, for example…just off the top of my head…ummmm…HEY LOOK OVER THERE, ISN’T THAT YAHOO SERIOUS?

Yeah, Lil’ Donnie Two-Scoops is pulling entire military operations out of his ass now. Can’t wait till he starts makin’ shit up about the non-existent Space Force winning fictitious battles against made-up aliens that all look like Hillary Clinton, but green.

Anyway, ICE couldn’t possibly be liberating any towns, they’re way too busy deporting parents away from their children.

Hey look, Axios got ahold of a leaked draft of something called the FART Act, a bill that would essentially pull the U.S. out of the WTO and give La Grande Sharte broad new powers to escalate his job-destroying trade war. You have to admit, it’s kind of cute that the dipshit who couldn’t get Obamacare repeal through a Republican Congress even dreams he could get this genuinely daffy bill passed.

Red Rover, Red Rover, have Michael Cohen roll over! Yes, the Sensei of Sez-Hoo is squawking about how the Velveeta Vulgarian may no longer command his shitty goon loyalty, IS THERE NO HONOR AMONG FUCKWEASELS? Now, maybe he’s signaling cooperation, and maybe he’s just begging for a pardon, but I’ll bet Boss Shart sweats through a couple extra pairs of golf pants this week.

A U.S District judge struck down Kentucky’s plan to force work requirements on Medicaid recipients, so Tea Party Governor Matt Bevin lashed out like a toddler who’d been denied ice cream, cutting dental and vision benefits from half a million of his constituents, cuz what’s the point of even being Governor if you can’t dehumanize the less fortunate, amiright?

Congrats go out to Andres Manuel Lopez Obrador, who will become the latest President of Mexico to refuse to pay for Government Cheese Goebbels’ Big Stupid Border Wall. Still, you just know Dumbass is going to ask, because dammit, he just doesn’t feel like he’s put in a full day’s work if he hasn’t embarrassed the shit out of the nation at least once.

Big summit coming up with Putin, and the question on everybody’s lips is “Will President Crotchvoid recognize Crimea as part of Russia after they took it by military force in defiance of international law?” which is a totally normal thing to be wondering about the President of the United States who is totally not a Russian asset how dare you even suggest such a thing.

And Scott Pruitt got caught smuggling thousands of dollars worth of printer ink cartridges out of EPA headquarters up his ass. Well, not really, but would you be surprised?

Look, I don’t want to shit all over what ought to be a relaxing holiday break, but some travesties demand our attention, even when it would be easier to look away. No, I’m not talking about the families ripped apart, or the children detained in cages…I’m talking about the social shunning Alan Dershowitz is experiencing up at Martha’s Vineyard. Wow.  Rick folks don’t want to hang out with a withered old fuckwad working as a talking head teevee shield for a wannabe fascist.  I ask you, IS THIS EVEN AMERICA ANYMORE?

I guess Donnie Dotard’s been scrawling angry letters to our NATO allies, somewhere in between parroting Russian propaganda and praising the 3rd world dictator who’s mocking him in front of the entire world. The letters are allegedly not even accompanied by Starburst candies, so the kid gloves are really off now.*

Anyway, I’m wrapping this one up early so we can all get on with our holiday festivities by which I mean the big fat Antifa Civil War we’re launching, but seriously, who told Alex Jones IT WAS SUPPOSED TO BE A SURPRISE.

PS, I see Fat Q*Bert refused a request to order flags lowered to half-mast in honor of the Capital Gazette shooting victims, no doubt because he’s itching to get back to demonizing the press as “enemies of the people” as soon as inhumanly possible. What an ass.

*In Drumpf’s case “kid gloves” really just means “gloves,” of course.