Mike Pence is the Patron Saint of Mediocre White Dudes, and the Roman God of Failing Upwards.
A Democrat in his youth, Pence, like many men of limited intelligence, turned to religious conservatism for the convenience of being able to end arguments by claiming God shares his every fear and prejudice, while forgiving his every shortcoming, how convenient.
Secretary of State
Mike Pompeo is one of those performatively pious fake Christians who loves using his loudly-claimed-but-seldom-followed faith like a cudgel while ignoring every single word of the actual Bible, including “and” and “the.”
Secretary of State
Over the course of three decades, Rex Tillerson fucked, bribed, and murdered his way to the top of Exxon Mobil, like some sort of jowlsy Eva Peron.
William Barr actually taught me a valuable lesson. See, I didn’t look too closely at Bill when he was nominated to be Attorney General. After Jeff “Too Racist for the 80’s” Sessions and the masculine toilet guy, honestly, he looked like a nice, refreshing, safe, traditional Republican. An institutionalist who could bring a little much-needed stability.
And then he turned out to be a fascist, and one of the most dangerous enemies of democracy in American history. Whoops. My bad.
Secretary of the Treasury
Steve Mnuchin, like his namesake, the Noise You Make When You’re Dry Heaving After Getting Food Poisoning From Eating Truck Stop Gas Station Roller Hot Pockets on a Road Trip, is deeply unpleasant, and may result in the involuntary voiding of foul-smelling bodily fluids.
Secretary of Defense
Chief of Staff
National Security Advisor
Holy shit, there are Generals all over the place these days, aren’t there?
Retired General James Mattis serves as Secretary of Defense. Retired General John Kelly ran Homeland Security for a bit, before becoming the Lead Executive Branch Babysitter, excuse me, Chief of Staff. H.R. McMaster’s the National Security Advisor, and hell, he’s still on active duty.
Jefferson Beauregard Sessions, third generation of his family to carry the name of a Confedarate piece of trash and also a second Confederate piece of trash, is living his dream. As Velveeta Goebbels’ Attorney General, he’s turning back the clock to a time when women and minorities knew their place, and mediocre white dudes like himself got to run everything, even if they weren’t especially bright.
Ryan Zinke is like if the crappiest robot in Westworld escaped and jumped into conservative politics. He’s such a cartoon cowboy, I bet his right boot says “Andy” on the bottom.
Secretary of Commerce
When a witch’s curse transformed his master into a Beast and his fellow servants into household objects, Wilbur Ross became a decorative garden gnome. Unlike the rest of his compatriots, he ventured out into the world to make his fortune in the realm of shady international finance and money laundering, and when True Love’s Kiss lifted the curse, Wilbur was too far away for the enchantment to reverse, and thus he remains trapped in gnome form forever.
Secretary of Health and Human Services
If the Hippocratic Oath is binding in any sort of spiritual sense, Tom Price is royally fucked, y’all. There is some straight Dante shit awaitin’ him in the afterlife.
Secretary of Housing and Urban Development
Dr. Ben Carson is only in politics because he was rude President Obama to his face. At the 2013 National Prayer Breakfast, a traditionally non-political event, Dr. Ben, having been invited as the keynote speaker, decided to use his time to shit on the President and his policies.
Secretary of Education
Betsy DeVos is what happens when bored white ladies have enough money to really fuck shit up. Turns out, if you’re born rich and marry richer, you don’t have to settle for a book club, you can buy yourself a whole cabinet department!
Administrator of the EPA
Scott Pruitt, like a lot of boys his age, grew up watching Captain Planet cartoons. Unlike most boys his age, he decided that the various sludge-smog-and-toxic-waste-slinging villains were the role models for him.
Ok, fine. Pruitt is ten years too old to have grown up on Captain Planet, but fuck you, that’s a good opening paragraph. Make your own fucking website, you don’t like it.
Chief of Staff
Nobody wants to be Reince Priebus when they grow up. He’s just so immediately recognizable as a weaselly little tapeworm of a man, y’know?
Reince Priebus is the sort of person who would be played by Brad Dourif in a film.
Steve Bannon played Bob Ewell in a high school production of To Kill a Mockingbird, and liked it so much he decided to stay in the character for the rest of his life.
A self-described Leninist, and an outspoken populist*, Bannon wants to kidney-punch the administrative state, give it a wedgie, and steal its lunch money.
Jared Kushner was born on third base and thinks he invented baseball.
Jared’s dad, Charles Kushner, went to jail for tax evasion, illegal campaign donations, and, ahem, “witness tampering,” by which I mean he set his brother-in-law up with a hooker (not, I’m sad to report, of the Pissing Russian variety) and recorded their genital-smushing in order to blackmail him.
Daddy’s Little Girl
Ivanka Trump is what happens when you cross Gwyneth Paltrow with Mussolini’s dumbest, laziest aide-de-camp. Watching her try to sell her father’s fascism as some sort of pro-woman lifestyle brand, marketed in the sickliest imaginable shade of pink, has been one of the most bizarre subplots of this nightmare we can’t seem to pinch ourselves out of.
So, while Melania Trump is perhaps not as shitty as many of the crooks, Nazis, and Nazi crooks who inhabit her dirtbag husband’s world, she manages to impressively shitty in her own right.
When you worked for Akin, things weren’t simple
Cuz he got caught on tape
With legitimate rape
Senior Advisor for Policy
Why is it always the shittiest imaginable white dudes who turn out to be white supremacists?
Stephen Miller, who started balding eleven seconds after his conception, has by all accounts been a sack of monkey shit pretty much every single minute of his life.
Director of Communications
Oh wow, this new Communications Director looks like a real character, huh?
Where to begin? Ok, Anthony Scaramucci first came to –
Wait, what? Really?
White Supremacist Multi-Tool
Kris Kobach is like the protagonist of the white supremacist version of one of those Disney movies where a kid learns to chase his dreams, no matter how big. The kid gets tired of the monotonous grind of burning crosses on just one lawn at a time, and dreams of burning a cross big enough for the whole dang country!
Maybe he has a talking/singing Confederate flag for a sidekick. Named “Bedford.”
Roving Freelance Fascist
As seen in the famed documentary RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK, when the Ark of the Covenant was opened on an uncharted island north of Crete, the burning light that issued thereof reduced the Nazi soldiers present to piles of ash and molten flesh. In time, the rains washed the fascist bio-goo into the island’s sewage system, where it mixed with the shit and piss and used tampons and such, and in time it congealed, took the shape of a man (albeit an unattractive one), slapped on a pair of glasses, and Sebastian Gorka was formed.
Speaker of the House
Paul Ryan was cloned from a single pubic hair plucked from Ayn Rand post-coitus and grown in a still in Charles Koch’s back yard.
Senate Majority Leader
Many years ago, Gamera was following the Grateful Dead on tour, and engaged in a brief-but-life-affirming affair with an Ohio River ‘gator that hung around Ma McConnell’s pig farm, picking off runts for sustenance. Nine months later, young Mitch emerged from a leathery egg, and devoured his fellow hatchlings, beginning his life-long love affair with hurting children.
Susan Collins is How It Happens Here, folks.
She’s supposed to be the rational centrist. The one who stands up to the increasingly-rabid gaggle of turd-spewing hyenas known as the Republican Party when they go too far. That’s whole point of Susan Collins. It’s the brand she’s been selling the people of Maine for years.
Anybody wondering if the GOP is still the party of Lincoln gets their answer whenever they take in James Daniel Jordan’s tension-racked, jacketless frame as he does his “indignant soccer dad demands to see a manager” routine during a committee hearing. Lincoln? That ship has sailed, caught fire, sunk, and been overrun by sea slugs and the ghosts of unusually shitty pirates. Sorry.
Official Sponsors of American Fascism
Chuck and Davey Koch decided that popping out of a rich lady’s vagina gave them the right to reshape the world however they saw fit, hurting whoever they wanted to in the process, and since the fundamental driving impulse of your average Republican politician is to sell out to the highest bidder, they haven’t exactly been proven wrong.
For a Guy Who Hates Being Called a Loser, He Really is Losing an Awful Lot
I think I speak for everyone in asking, “Whose bright fucking idea was it to stretch out the transition so goddamn long?” It’s waaaaaaaay past time to start tossing all the ill-fitting suits and stale cheeseburgers out on the White House lawn. Get on with it.
We’re still doing the blockhead-coup-in-the-middle-of-a-pandemic-run-amuck thing, if you were curious. Yup, we’re headed into a period where the death toll is expected to exceed 9/11’s, every single day for 60 to 90 days, while the energies of the federal government focus exclusively on an insane attempt to end democracy in America using only chewing gum and imbecility.
I dunno about y’all, but going forward, I’m gonna take a hard pass on sitting through any stern moralizing about the sanctity of life from the shrieking cultists turning the handle on the meat grinder that’s chewing through three thousand American lives every 24 hours.
You’ll be delighted to learn that yes, there is indeed a plan in place to aerate, cleanse, scour, boil, exorcise, disinfect, and generally detoxify the White House before Joe n’ Kamala move in. I’m confident they’ll successfully turn that fetid plague pit into a safe and functional workplace, but I fear the current occupant’s loserstink will linger for some time.
Incestuous celebrity crackpot Rudy Giuliani is making a speedy recovery from COVID-19, thanks to access to extremely expensive, cutting edge medical treatments reserved for presidential co-conspirators. Nothing says “populism” quite like evading the consequences of your own mass-murdering disinformation spree via elites-only health care, right? Also, the ghost of Herman Cain is wondering why he didn’t merit the good shit, but of course everyone else figured that one out pretty quick, didn’t they?
Presidential Medal of Freedom Defiler Rush Limbaugh casually promoted secession on his show the other day, alongside the customary snake oils and doomsday prep kits. Let me just say that inciting a posthumous civil war is an absolute garbage way to go out, and if there’s any sort of judgment at all awaiting on the other side, hoooooooooooooooooooo you in trouble, son.
Scandal at the CDC, as Director Robert Redfield stands accused of ordering employees to delete an e-mail containing a sinister Shart House attempt to meddle in public health science, and of course the real scandal is the fucking meddling, and should all this wind up with nobody but Redfield facing legal repercussions for this administration’s mudslide of lies, I’m going to leave America a sharply-worded Yelp review, believe you me.
No sooner was Dick Hinch elected Speaker of the New Hampshire House of Representatives than he caught COVID-19, almost certainly at a largely maskless GOP event, and died. This would serve as a tidy little lesson for Republicans, were they capable of learning. I would, of course, be derelict in my duties if I allowed this paragraph to pass without engaging in a hearty, juvenile chuckle at the name “Dick Hinch.”
Call Ken Paxton the Pied Piper of Perfidious Pricks, because 126 sitting U.S. Congresstraitors, including Leader McCarthy, signed onto his clownish, pathetic, I Can Haz Pardon? attempt to overturn the results of the 2020 election, presumably by presenting such a cringeworthy argument to the Supreme Court that they award Weehands McNodick a second term out of pity.
‘Course, it’s the very flimsiness of Paxton’s case that makes these collaborating bastards’ actions so unforgivable. Knowing the outcome in advance doesn’t change the fact that y’all signed your good names to a document asking the highest court in the land to steal the right of self-determination from the American people, and to do so on behalf of the undisputed shittiest President in history, right in the middle of a mass-casualty catastrophe for which he is directly responsible. It’s gotta be said: y’all weren’t raised right.
If I may be so bold as to resurrect an old catchphrase, it’s never too early to encourage everyone to VOTE IN THE GODDAMN MIDTERMS, because vesting lawmaking authority in McCarthy’s caucus of power-crazed, fascist-curious, so-much-Stockholm-Syndrome-you’ll-get-sick-of-Stockholm-Syndrome subpar white dudes seems unwise.
Apparently, God overheard somebody saying, “Well at least this shit can’t get any stupider,” and in His wisdom He did send forth the dipshit representatives of made-up states that exist only in the minds of the seditious and witless to join forces with the Stoopid Coo. Four years of kakistocracy have certainly emboldened the nation’s dumbasses.
I confess I’ve never spared a single stray thought to the politics of Morocco, outside of the odd Bogart flick, but I do know that whatever the state of their affairs, their government should not be able to manipulate the President of the United States like a crusty sock puppet, yet…here we are. Taking advantage of Fat Q*bert’s monstrous thirst for adulation earned with minimal effort, Morocco tricked the Lamest of All Possible Ducks into official American recognition of their occupation of Western Sahara in exchange for normalizing relations with Israel (with a little grift on the side, of course). The unhinged cackle you’re hearing now is me, ruminating that all this started with a ghostwritten book about dealmaking.
Despite overwhelming bipartisan support, Utah Senator Mike Lee single-handedly blocked proposed expansions to the Smithsonian honoring the history of women and Latinos in America, because he believes acknowledging any culture except his own is “divisive.” Now, this is, objectively, white, male supremacy, and there’s no arguing otherwise, even in this age of gaslighting and alternative facts, but if you point out this simple, obvious truth, oh what a patronizing lecture you receive!
Redactor General William Barr, denied the opportunity to continue his fashy makeover of the Justice Department, is consoling himself by squeezing as much state-sponsored murder as possible into the transition period. Brandon Bernard was executed Thursday, and four additional murders are scheduled for the Turd Reich’s waning days. Nobody’s any safer, or stronger, or healthier, or happier, but hey, the right-wing death cult gets a few more hits of their drug of choice.
Mitch McConnell finds the bipartisan coronavirus relief compromise insufficiently plutocrat-friendly, so no relief for you, peasants, all your suffering and death represents simply an opportunity to extract concessions from those chump politicians who actually care whether you live or die.
Hey, I don’t know if you’ve heard, but we actually have a phenomenal opportunity to take this megalomaniacal monster’s power away from him, and fire two cartoonishly corrupt oligarchs in the process! Please do whatever you can to help elect Raphael Warnock and Jon Ossoff on January 5th! The very course of history hangs in the balance, but, y’know…no pressure.
I see Devin Nunes caught the ‘rona. This presents a golden opportunity to study whether the virus is transmissible through human/pig sexual intercourse, condolences in advance to the laboratory assistant tasked with collecting the necessary samples.
Well, just while I was wrapping up tonight, before half the House Treason Caucus could even complete their Why I’m Fascist Now tweetstorms, SCOTUS rejected the Paxton “lawsuit,” and so, at long last, all the Kraken have been slain. Obviously, everybody’s got a great deal of laughing to get to in the aftermath of all this losing, so I’ll leave y’all to it.
Seriously, I’m cackling so hard I expect the neighbors to complain. Although they put up with the show tunes in the shower, or, now that I think of it, maybe they don’t, and the prospect of a long quarantine winter of Chess and Pippin has them plotting my demise. I’m gonna have some beers and think about my choices, friends; stay safe out there.