I’m feeling kinda nostalgic tonight, for the bland normalcy of the Before Times. Wouldn’t it be nice to post some innocuous gag about the mildly irritating annual reemergence of pumpkin spice everything, and then just go about your day, free from worry about the increasingly fascist American Right, and all the strange new ways they’re finding to fuck everything up? Where’s my wistful country song about those bygone days?

To remind everyone of the status quo: hundreds still die daily from a disease with three, count ‘em THREE fucking vaccines, because a bizarre, quasi-religious culture has congealed around zany, suicidal ideas like “medical science is bad, actually,” and “reality is optional.”

Oh, and when they’re not busy spreading disease, adherents of this batshit new faith (their highest deity is a game show host who cannot, for reasons doubtless lost to the fog of prehistory, pick out pants that fit) work diligently to end American democracy, and replace it with a permanent dictatorship of the loud, angry, and stupid.

I mention this because, right here, in the midst of this shitstorm of historic proportions, the New York Times figured it was the ideal moment to administer the “both sides” treatment to Normal Human Empathy so vigorously Chuck Todd is expected to sue for gimmick infringement.

You see, some profoundly damaged shitbag scrawled a sad, mean little op-ed in the Wall Street Journal, shitting on President Biden for using his own grief to connect with Gold Star families, and the pearl-clutchers at the Times dutifully transcribed that cynical bullshit as a thoughtful argument offered in good faith, rather than simply one more strand of outrage spaghetti flung at the fridge in the Ministry of Propaganda’s break room, and goddammit, it’s well past time y’all in the press wised up to the way these asshats manipulate you.

Because if commiseration and compassion have indeed become partisan, you aren’t dealing with a polite disagreement between reasonable folk, you’re talking about a movement seeking to replace civilization with sociopathy. And history shows us, without much subtlety, how that shit works out.

The truth is, Republicans despise Biden’s decency because it shames them, and they fear it because it’s what enabled him to defeat their Crotchrot Emperor in the first place. I’m sure these fucks would love nothing more than to turn Smilin’ Joe’s greatest asset into a liability, and it sure would be cool if the “paper of record” could replace a few of these docile stenographers with real reporters while the republic still stands.

Because decency IS partisan in America right now. From the halls of Congress to the Fux Nooz boardroom to each individual, personalized, wingnut rabbit hole, Republicans are united in their efforts to roll back hard-won human rights, and prolong this interminable fucking pandemic, spreading disease, suffering, and death, especially amongst children too young to vaccinate.

“Well DANG, CAP, that is one inflammatory accusation!” It is. Notice any lies?

If it’s confirmation you’re after, well, take a look at the Laboratory of Kakistocracy some call Texas, where voting is for white people, and women just got legally downgraded from “human” to “host body.”

Confronted about a particularly draconian aspect of his theocratic crackdown on female autonomy, Governor Greg Abbott claimed it would be silly to worry about the lack of exemption from his abortion ban for rape victims, cuz he’s gonna snap his fingers and eliminate rape completely, easy peezy.

Greg. Bro. Under your leadership, Texans are experiencing a quality of life that shouldn’t be possible in a nation as advanced and wealthy as the United States. You transformed your state’s energy grid into a warped experiment in mad libertarian science, allowing oligarchs to gleefully extract billions from the plebs while an expendable handful (just a couple hundred human beings, whatevs) FROZE TO DEATH IN THEIR OWN HOMES.

Your public health policy reads like it was crafted by coronavirus lobbyists, like pestilence’s own personal ALEC. You’re setting records for pediatric hospitalizations, Greg. Because you have chosen to value the esteem of maniacs over the lives of children, tens of thousands of kids have contracted Covid-19 on your watch. Dozens have died.

Did everybody catch that? I feel like we’re numb to these statistics, but as of last Friday, September 3rd, Texas had reported over 50,000 child coronavirus cases, and 59 deaths. Certainly more by now, and more to come. I bet I could come up with a really fantastic joke about the dark irony of these child-murdering bastards’ sanctimonious “pro-life” branding, but I’m too busy projectile vomiting.

Anyhoo, problem-solving doesn’t really seem to be your “thing,” Gregward, so forgive my skepticism regarding this secret plan to end rape forever. While we’re exchanging glove slaps, I may as well call into question the purity of your intentions, what with the LITERAL BOUNTIES you just authorized on women who exercise their reproductive rights. Texas actually leads the nation in rape, by the way, so heckuva job so far.

Word on the street is, Democratic strategists have finally begun embracing the political gifts that fall into one’s lap when one’s opponents deliberately cause thousands of senseless, preventable deaths, setting up a major midterm collision between the apocalyptic fatalism of Tate Reeves’ “what is a pandemic really but an opportunity for folks to get a head start on the afterlife?” and the politics of common fucking sense. I’m feeling optimistic, but far from cocky.

Jim “What if ringworm had a safely gerrymandered seat in the U.S. Congress” Jordan says, “vaccine mandates are un-American,” and call me old-fashioned, but I think once you formally vote to side with terrorists against your own country and Constitution, you waive all future participation rights in the “what counts as patriotism” debate.

Members of the Proud Boys, that delusional incel brigade you may remember from such terrorist attacks as the Capitol Riot, attempted to invade a high school full of children in Vancouver, Washington, enraged that the district had taken simple, scientifically sound measures to prevent the spread of Covid-19 through their student body. This story barely made a ripple at the national level, cuz we live in this fun, safe, extremely healthy culture that has normalized shitty white boy violence.

It will no doubt shock you to learn Senator Lindsey Graham (R-the Military-Industrial Complex) is already positively horny to re-invade Afghanistan. See, this why I never gave much thought to the speculation around Graham’s sexuality; it’s always been clear the man is only aroused by the spilt blood of other people’s children. There’s simply not enough Viagra in the world to make Lil’ Lindsey stand at attention during horrible, horrible peacetime.

In a thuggish attempt to bully their way out of the legal consequences of their treachery, a group of House Republicans (Gaetz, Brooks, Taylor Greene, Gosar…you know, the Nazis) sent a petulant, threatening letter to the CEO of Yahoo!…who hasn’t worked there in four years. I feel like I could almost handle the tyranny of the minority, if they weren’t so aggressively, defiantly subpar. The plot against America is being carried out on a third-grade reading level, and I don’t know whether to laugh or cry.

Donald Trump Jr.’s uncontrolled sobbing washed away nearly $12,000 worth of cocaine when his dirtbag father, in one of those pathetic, post-Twitter ban cries for attention, expressed more affection for a freshly-removed statue of Robert E. Lee than he ever has, over the course of four decades and change, for his own firstborn son. You’re never gonna be able to compete with monuments to racist loser traitors, Junior; partially because Daddy is a narcissist, yes, but also because you’re absolute trash.

The Biden Administration’s ongoing fumigation of the executive branch finally dislodged a few celebrity squatters from their lame duck appointments to the advisory boards of the nation’s military academies, prompting some mildly amusing theatre. Lots of melodramatic wailing about “norms” from the likes of Sean Spicer and Kellyanne Conway? Okay, sure. Congrats on slithering your way back onto page 12 for a day, kids. I guess.

Looks as though Joe Biden finally had his fill of the dewormer-guzzling plague dispenser crowd, and their insistence on the right to not just die, but kill. GOOD.

In a speech heavy with the weary, “I’m sick and tired of asking you to stop shoving crayons up your nose” energy we all recognize from Every Waking Moment For Six Months Now, the President announced a new set of You’ll Fight Covid and Like It, Mister measures, including overdue mandates for millions of workers, to either take their pick of the three safe, effective vaccines, or submit to weekly testing, a common sense policy designed with the once-non-controversial goal of reducing sickness and death.

Good call, Joe. Carrot Time is over. We had Carrot Time for a long-ass time. Lotta people died to give these colicky toddlers all the Carrot Time anyone could reasonably expect. So, it’s Stick Time now. Half past Stick Time, if you ask me.

Instead of the “now that you mention it, saving lives and moving past the motherfucking pandemic both sound great; thanks, Joe!” response you’d expect from sane, rational beings, Republicans offered only “full on revolt” against these (checks notes) necessary public health measures, vowing scorched earth opposition to this intolerable violation of the coronavirus’ inalienable right to be escorted, classroom by classroom, though the entire fucking country, until every school has its very own mobile morgue parked out front to handle the surge in expendable kid corpses.

Sharing America with a death cult is like being trapped in an episode of The Odd Couple scripted by Cormac McCarthy during a bath salts overdose. I confess I do not care for it.

Anyway, the pumpkin spice horse paste I ordered just arrived, so it’s time for me to check out for the weekend. Stay safe out there, Resisters…times are real fuckin’ weird. Hey, I might not be back at our regular time next week; it’s Riot Fest weekend in Chicago, and I surely need the diversion. We’ll work something out.