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When the NeverTrumpers go back to being Republicans, I think I have a bright future inheriting the Nastiness Void. https://t.co/tzfzUcMGYy



If you go to fucking Disney World during Florida’s out-of-control, 10,000-new-cases-a-day, Ron-DeSantis’-wet-economic-dream outbreak, you are too fucking stupid to live.

NUMBER TWO

NUMBER TWO

Vice-President

Mike Pence is the Patron Saint of Mediocre White Dudes, and the Roman God of Failing Upwards.

A Democrat in his youth, Pence, like many men of limited intelligence, turned to religious conservatism for the convenience of being able to end arguments by claiming God shares his every fear and prejudice, while forgiving his every shortcoming, how convenient.

UNSEXY REXY

UNSEXY REXY

Secretary of State

Over the course of three decades, Rex Tillerson fucked, bribed, and murdered his way to the top of Exxon Mobil, like some sort of jowlsy Eva Peron.

MNUCHBAG

MNUCHBAG

Secretary of the Treasury

Steve Mnuchin, like his namesake, the Noise You Make When You’re Dry Heaving After Getting Food Poisoning From Eating Truck Stop Gas Station Roller Hot Pockets on a Road Trip, is deeply unpleasant, and may result in the involuntary voiding of foul-smelling bodily fluids.

THE GENERALS

THE GENERALS

Secretary of Defense
Chief of Staff
National Security Advisor

Holy shit, there are Generals all over the place these days, aren’t there?

Retired General James Mattis serves as Secretary of Defense. Retired General John Kelly ran Homeland Security for a bit, before becoming the Lead Executive Branch Babysitter, excuse me, Chief of Staff. H.R. McMaster’s the National Security Advisor, and hell, he’s still on active duty.

OL’ BEAUREGARD The President's Loyal Huntin' Dawg

OL’ BEAUREGARD The President's Loyal Huntin' Dawg

Attorney General

Jefferson Beauregard Sessions, third generation of his family to carry the name of a Confedarate piece of trash and also a second Confederate piece of trash, is living his dream. As Velveeta Goebbels’ Attorney General, he’s turning back the clock to a time when women and minorities knew their place, and mediocre white dudes like himself got to run everything, even if they weren’t especially bright.

ZINKE BOOTZ

ZINKE BOOTZ

Ryan Zinke is like if the crappiest robot in Westworld escaped and jumped into conservative politics. He’s such a cartoon cowboy, I bet his right boot says “Andy” on the bottom.

WIL-BUR, THE GNOME KING

WIL-BUR, THE GNOME KING

Secretary of Commerce

When a witch’s curse transformed his master into a Beast and his fellow servants into household objects, Wilbur Ross became a decorative garden gnome. Unlike the rest of his compatriots, he ventured out into the world to make his fortune in the realm of shady international finance and money laundering, and when True Love’s Kiss lifted the curse, Wilbur was too far away for the enchantment to reverse, and thus he remains trapped in gnome form forever.

PLAGUEMASTER T

PLAGUEMASTER T

Secretary of Health and Human Services

If the Hippocratic Oath is binding in any sort of spiritual sense, Tom Price is royally fucked, y’all. There is some straight Dante shit awaitin’ him in the afterlife.

DOCTOR NAPTIME

DOCTOR NAPTIME

Secretary of Housing and Urban Development

Dr. Ben Carson is only in politics because he was rude President Obama to his face. At the 2013 National Prayer Breakfast, a traditionally non-political event, Dr. Ben, having been invited as the keynote speaker, decided to use his time to shit on the President and his policies.

THE DEVOSTATOR

THE DEVOSTATOR

Secretary of Education

Betsy DeVos is what happens when bored white ladies have enough money to really fuck shit up. Turns out, if you’re born rich and marry richer, you don’t have to settle for a book club, you can buy yourself a whole cabinet department!

SCOTTY 2 HAUGHTY

SCOTTY 2 HAUGHTY

Administrator of the EPA

Scott Pruitt, like a lot of boys his age, grew up watching Captain Planet cartoons. Unlike most boys his age, he decided that the various sludge-smog-and-toxic-waste-slinging villains were the role models for him.

Ok, fine. Pruitt is ten years too old to have grown up on Captain Planet, but fuck you, that’s a good opening paragraph. Make your own fucking website, you don’t like it.

PUBIS

PUBIS

Chief of Staff

Nobody wants to be Reince Priebus when they grow up. He’s just so immediately recognizable as a weaselly little tapeworm of a man, y’know?

Reince Priebus is the sort of person who would be played by Brad Dourif in a film.

DARTH WINO

DARTH WINO

Chief Strategist

Steve Bannon played Bob Ewell in a high school production of To Kill a Mockingbird, and liked it so much he decided to stay in the character for the rest of his life.

A self-described Leninist, and an outspoken populist*, Bannon wants to kidney-punch the administrative state, give it a wedgie, and steal its lunch money.

JAR-JAR

JAR-JAR

Senior Advisor/Son-in-Law

Jared Kushner was born on third base and thinks he invented baseball.

Jared’s dad, Charles Kushner, went to jail for tax evasion, illegal campaign donations, and, ahem, “witness tampering,” by which I mean he set his brother-in-law up with a hooker (not, I’m sad to report, of the Pissing Russian variety) and recorded their genital-smushing in order to blackmail him.

HEY, KELLYANNE!

HEY, KELLYANNE!

Senior Counsel

Hey, Kellyaaaaaaaaaaaanne!
Hey, Kellyaaaaaaaaaaaanne!

When you worked for Akin, things weren’t simple
Cuz he got caught on tape
With legitimate rape

4-HEDD THE SHITTY WHITE GUY FROM BEYOND THE STARS

4-HEDD THE SHITTY WHITE GUY FROM BEYOND THE STARS

Senior Advisor for Policy

Why is it always the shittiest imaginable white dudes who turn out to be white supremacists?

Stephen Miller, who started balding eleven seconds after his conception, has by all accounts been a sack of monkey shit pretty much every single minute of his life.

THE MOOCH

THE MOOCH

Director of Communications

Oh wow, this new Communications Director looks like a real character, huh?

Where to begin? Ok, Anthony Scaramucci first came to –

Wait, what? Really?

KKKRIS KKKOBACH

KKKRIS KKKOBACH

White Supremacist Multi-Tool

Kris Kobach is like the protagonist of the white supremacist version of one of those Disney movies where a kid learns to chase his dreams, no matter how big. The kid gets tired of the monotonous grind of burning crosses on just one lawn at a time, and dreams of burning a cross big enough for the whole dang country!

Maybe he has a talking/singing Confederate flag for a sidekick. Named “Bedford.”

“DOC” GORKA

“DOC” GORKA

Roving Freelance Fascist

As seen in the famed documentary RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK, when the Ark of the Covenant was opened on an uncharted island north of Crete, the burning light that issued thereof reduced the Nazi soldiers present to piles of ash and molten flesh. In time, the rains washed the fascist bio-goo into the island’s sewage system, where it mixed with the shit and piss and used tampons and such, and in time it congealed, took the shape of a man (albeit an unattractive one), slapped on a pair of glasses, and Sebastian Gorka was formed.

ATLAS CRAPPED

ATLAS CRAPPED

Speaker of the House

Paul Ryan was cloned from a single pubic hair plucked from Ayn Rand post-coitus and grown in a still in Charles Koch’s back yard.

YERTLE

YERTLE

Senate Majority Leader

Many years ago, Gamera was following the Grateful Dead on tour, and engaged in a brief-but-life-affirming affair with an Ohio River ‘gator that hung around Ma McConnell’s pig farm, picking off runts for sustenance. Nine months later, young Mitch emerged from a leathery egg, and devoured his fellow hatchlings, beginning his life-long love affair with hurting children.

From Brian Kemp to Chainsaw Racist, Our Cup (Of Buttholes) Runneth Over

Tuesday, June 9th, 2020

 

I worry that I wasted a lot of hyperbole screaming about how insane things were back in the days of soundproof wank booths and botched Easter Egg Rolls, and that I’ll run out of language now that we’re battling a global crisis hydra. Next week, when the birds begin their Hitchcockian assault on humanity, there won’t be any words left, and this blog will simply be onomatopoeic grunts.

Congratulations to any statue-collecting fish dwelling in the River Avon, you hit the motherfucking jackpot this week when protesters dumped the statue of notorious slaver Nice Try, Your Shitty Name Isn’t Getting Into My Blog, just the first of many monuments to white supremacists consigned to the dustbin of history this week, both literally and figuratively. Bye, asshole statues!

Angela Merkel didn’t “like” a social media post he made about how antifa ruined McDonald’s fries or something similarly batshit, so Weehands McNodick suddenly decided to pull about 1/3rd of our troops out of Germany, just the latest demonstration that the Trump Doctrine, to the extent that it exists, is largely hissy-fit-based. “I’m so mad I better give Putin something else he wants! MEADOWS! A fresh diaper, on the double!”

So, those jobs numbers Shart Garfunkel heralded last week apparently weren’t nearly as rosy as initially presented, because “some people were mistakenly characterized as employed rather than unemployed.” Now, all of this is miles over my head, but isn’t sorting the employed from the unemployed the entire fucking point of the jobs report? This feels like ordering a pizza, only to receive three slices plus a pair of sweat socks with a note explaining that some non-pizza items were mistakenly characterized as pizza.

In saner times, any campaign aide would have immediately been fired for approvingly platforming a chainsaw-wielding, n-word-spewing, protester-threatening maniac, but when you get that push notification in a couple of days announcing Mercedes Schlapp has instead been named Acting Secretary of Defense, don’t say I didn’t warn ya.

Chainsaw Racist will be teaming up with Handless Incel (in prison) soon enough. Oh, you hadn’t heard about Handless Incel? Well, I’ve spoiled the ending, but I won’t deprive you of the other pleasures of this story; while karma hasn’t yet caught up to the world’s most prominent and powerful scumfucks, at least it’s keeping busy.

Seems even George W. Bush won’t back Pumpkin Spice Pol Pot this November, so perhaps the ghosts of everyone Dubya got killed have slipped some sound political advice into their nightly haunting. Word is, the Committee to Re-Elect the Taintfungus is positively giddy to run against W, imagining “even the war criminals from my own party can’t stand me” is some sort of magical electoral cure-all, like, “hey, remember that one guy you hated twelve years ago? Doesn’t he just make you forget all about how you lost your job and you can’t go to restaurants because the President can’t do one fucking thing right? No? Think really hard about 2008. Please. Please clap.” thus achieving the poetic justice of becoming the very Jeb(!) they once mocked.

If you ever wondered what would happen if you threw a fear-crazed vigilante mob for an imaginary antifa invasion, and antifa never came, wonder no longer. Once again mistaking their 4chan posts and misspelled memes for “intel,” bunches of terrified idiot white people all over the country became convinced that “busloads of antifa” were coming to their small town to fuck shit up, presumably because the antifas had run out of shit to fuck up in the big bad city. Anyway, everybody had a real nice time playing dress-up, and maybe the real busloads of antifa were the friends we made along the way.

In their ongoing effort to spread American Carnage beyond humanity to all species of life, the Turdmaggot Administration rolled back century-old protections for wild birds. Why? Because they hate everyone and everything. Every. Living. Thing. They’re gonna try to ram the Mandatory Puppy Mills Replacing Every Playground in America Act through in the lame duck session, just you watch.

Something really has changed in this country, though.

Who would have imagined that Tangerine Idi Amin’s long-lusted-after Authoritarian Power Grab and Off-Brand Tear Gas Sho would have turned the entire country against racist, militarized police overnight? Public opinion has shifted more sharply than I would have thought possible a year ago.

Shit, this last week saw the stunning public debut of WOKE WILLARD, a suspiciously Mitt-Romney-shaped Black Lives Matter marcher.

Why, even the National Football League suddenly noticed that racism is a thing, and gosh, IF ONLY someone associated with that organization had done something to peacefully bring that issue to their attention a few years ago, right?

Anyway, let’s do something a bit uncharacteristic for this silly little poo joke blog.

Let’s take a moment to chronicle the PROGRESS for once, because there’s certainly been a stunning amount of it in a very short time.

In Los Angeles, NYC, and elsewhere, cities are vowing to redirect some of their riot-gear-and-tear-gas budget to more useful, less When All You Have is a Baton, Everything Looks Like a Skull type solutions. ‘Bout time.

The Minneapolis city council has pledged to disband the whole dang police department, and start over with something new. Considering all the tire-slashing and pepper spray joyriding that’s gone on, yeah, pulling this rotten plant out by the roots makes sense.

In New York, state lawmakers banned the use of chokeholds by law enforcement, and repealed a law that kept officers’ disciplinary records secret from the public, because apparently there was a point in time when somebody thought that was a good idea, OK BOOMER, did I use that right?

The Washington, D.C. city council passed reforms of their own, banning chokeholds, as well as all Hairplug Himmler’s favorite protester-suppressing tactics: tear gas, pepper spray, stun grenades, and rubber bullets. There are almost too many reforms to keep track of, so I’m happy to let this dude on Twitter keep track of ‘em for me.

Fuck, now even the Army is suddenly “open to discussions” about maybe renaming those bases currently glorifying Confederate leaders, and uh, yay for progress, but why the fuck are y’all just getting to this now? Is it really good for morale to train at Camp Treasonous Loser? I feel like I’d be more inspired by figures who were loyal. And, y’know…successful.

And on an unrelated topic, new studies show that lockdown orders spared the world tens of millions of coronavirus infections, saving millions of lives, and does it not warm your battered heart to learn that not all of 2020’s endless stream of bullshit has been in vain? That your significant-but-ultimately-manageable sacrifices made a real difference, even if the FUCK SOCIETY GIMMIE MAH HAIRCUT crowd will never acknowledge or appreciate them? Hell with ‘em. We saved millions, and got a few solid Netflix binges and closet reorganizations out of it to boot. Go, us.

See, wasn’t it nice to read all that GOOD news for a change? I feel all clean and sparkly now. Like a dish soap commercial. Anyway, time to swing back by the buffet to load up our plates with more shit. You didn’t think we were done with the bad news, didja? Oh, my sweet summer child.

The Shart House brain trust is reportedly considering wheeling Donnie Dotard out in front of the public to give a speech on race and unity, and my first thought was “wow, and risk alienating his white supremacist hate cult base?” Anyway, I’m excited for it; it’ll be a train wreck so spectacular I expect Harrison Ford to escape from it in order to chase down a one-armed man.

Redactor General William Barr has been so busy ordering violent crackdowns on peaceful protesters he hasn’t been able to keep up with the latest version of the official story, undercutting Boss Shart’s ridiculous “bunker inspector” spin during an interview with Fux Nooz. It’s actually kinda cute that these dipshit crooks can’t keep their lies straight. The bungling lends a slapstick element to the attempted fascist takeover of the United States that will likely seem more amusing 20 minutes after Joseph Robinette has been sworn in.

Oh hey, we’re officially in a recession, that’s neat. Just like every time we elect a Republican President. But hey, when your vote can be bought as cheaply as empty bellowing about an imaginary “War on Xmas,” you have to expect this sort of thing.

While our old chum the coronavirus has largely fallen off the front page, it’s still killing hundreds of people every day, probably because pandemics, unlike Presidents, don’t curl up in bed to mainline cheeseburgers and rage-tweet all weekend when they don’t like their press coverage. So naturally, Fat Q*Bert thinks it’s the perfect time to hit the road for Klanfest 2020, offering Cult45 up to COVID-19 like a sacrifice to a volcano god. At this point, I say fuck it. Crank the AC, toss the masks, shit, let’s install vomitoriums* for these creeps. Go crazy, dolts.

I see the latest presidentially-designated enemy of the state is Martin Gugino, the 75-year-old man who the lying librul media would have you believe was violently assaulted by Buffalo PD officers, but who is in fact a secret antifa super spy and also a ninja with a robot arm that has a flamethrower built into the pointer finger, a Russian propaganda agent on fucking OAN told us so. This episode helpfully provided further evidence of the Theory of Senate Republican Spinelessness, which I think is ready for publication now.

Brian Kemp and his Georgia partymates remain deathly afraid of their voters, and in honor of the state’s primary today, they held a charity concert to benefit their fading white nationalist majority, playing all the greatest voter suppression hits including the smash single Not Enough Voting Machines in Minority Neighborhoods (Plus the Ones They’ve Got Don’t Work). The encore, There Are No Lines in White Precincts How Strange really brought the house down, assuming the house is democracy, and everyone was excited to hear Kemp’s new song, You’re All Too Distracted With Trump’s Bullshit (To Stop Me From Pulling This Again in November.)

And now I see the previously mentioned race n’ unity speech will be written by Sneering Hatemarmot Stephen Miller himself?  How can I, with my humble exaggerations and petty hyperbole, hope to compete with real life?

Well. Another absolutely disastrous day for the Shart’s re-election chances, and another day Ruth Bader Ginsburg survived, so I’m gonna go ahead and call it a win and drink till I fall asleep. Stay safe out there, Resisters…

*I know they weren’t real, so you can save that “well, actually, Cap…” comment. You know who you are. 

Shower Cap

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When the NeverTrumpers go back to being Republicans, I think I have a bright future inheriting the Nastiness Void. https://t.co/tzfzUcMGYy



If you go to fucking Disney World during Florida’s out-of-control, 10,000-new-cases-a-day, Ron-DeSantis’-wet-economic-dream outbreak, you are too fucking stupid to live.

NUMBER TWO

NUMBER TWO

Vice-President

Mike Pence is the Patron Saint of Mediocre White Dudes, and the Roman God of Failing Upwards.

A Democrat in his youth, Pence, like many men of limited intelligence, turned to religious conservatism for the convenience of being able to end arguments by claiming God shares his every fear and prejudice, while forgiving his every shortcoming, how convenient.

UNSEXY REXY

UNSEXY REXY

Secretary of State

Over the course of three decades, Rex Tillerson fucked, bribed, and murdered his way to the top of Exxon Mobil, like some sort of jowlsy Eva Peron.

MNUCHBAG

MNUCHBAG

Secretary of the Treasury

Steve Mnuchin, like his namesake, the Noise You Make When You’re Dry Heaving After Getting Food Poisoning From Eating Truck Stop Gas Station Roller Hot Pockets on a Road Trip, is deeply unpleasant, and may result in the involuntary voiding of foul-smelling bodily fluids.

THE GENERALS

THE GENERALS

Secretary of Defense
Chief of Staff
National Security Advisor

Holy shit, there are Generals all over the place these days, aren’t there?

Retired General James Mattis serves as Secretary of Defense. Retired General John Kelly ran Homeland Security for a bit, before becoming the Lead Executive Branch Babysitter, excuse me, Chief of Staff. H.R. McMaster’s the National Security Advisor, and hell, he’s still on active duty.

OL’ BEAUREGARD The President's Loyal Huntin' Dawg

OL’ BEAUREGARD The President's Loyal Huntin' Dawg

Attorney General

Jefferson Beauregard Sessions, third generation of his family to carry the name of a Confedarate piece of trash and also a second Confederate piece of trash, is living his dream. As Velveeta Goebbels’ Attorney General, he’s turning back the clock to a time when women and minorities knew their place, and mediocre white dudes like himself got to run everything, even if they weren’t especially bright.

ZINKE BOOTZ

ZINKE BOOTZ

Ryan Zinke is like if the crappiest robot in Westworld escaped and jumped into conservative politics. He’s such a cartoon cowboy, I bet his right boot says “Andy” on the bottom.

WIL-BUR, THE GNOME KING

WIL-BUR, THE GNOME KING

Secretary of Commerce

When a witch’s curse transformed his master into a Beast and his fellow servants into household objects, Wilbur Ross became a decorative garden gnome. Unlike the rest of his compatriots, he ventured out into the world to make his fortune in the realm of shady international finance and money laundering, and when True Love’s Kiss lifted the curse, Wilbur was too far away for the enchantment to reverse, and thus he remains trapped in gnome form forever.

PLAGUEMASTER T

PLAGUEMASTER T

Secretary of Health and Human Services

If the Hippocratic Oath is binding in any sort of spiritual sense, Tom Price is royally fucked, y’all. There is some straight Dante shit awaitin’ him in the afterlife.

DOCTOR NAPTIME

DOCTOR NAPTIME

Secretary of Housing and Urban Development

Dr. Ben Carson is only in politics because he was rude President Obama to his face. At the 2013 National Prayer Breakfast, a traditionally non-political event, Dr. Ben, having been invited as the keynote speaker, decided to use his time to shit on the President and his policies.

THE DEVOSTATOR

THE DEVOSTATOR

Secretary of Education

Betsy DeVos is what happens when bored white ladies have enough money to really fuck shit up. Turns out, if you’re born rich and marry richer, you don’t have to settle for a book club, you can buy yourself a whole cabinet department!

SCOTTY 2 HAUGHTY

SCOTTY 2 HAUGHTY

Administrator of the EPA

Scott Pruitt, like a lot of boys his age, grew up watching Captain Planet cartoons. Unlike most boys his age, he decided that the various sludge-smog-and-toxic-waste-slinging villains were the role models for him.

Ok, fine. Pruitt is ten years too old to have grown up on Captain Planet, but fuck you, that’s a good opening paragraph. Make your own fucking website, you don’t like it.

PUBIS

PUBIS

Chief of Staff

Nobody wants to be Reince Priebus when they grow up. He’s just so immediately recognizable as a weaselly little tapeworm of a man, y’know?

Reince Priebus is the sort of person who would be played by Brad Dourif in a film.

DARTH WINO

DARTH WINO

Chief Strategist

Steve Bannon played Bob Ewell in a high school production of To Kill a Mockingbird, and liked it so much he decided to stay in the character for the rest of his life.

A self-described Leninist, and an outspoken populist*, Bannon wants to kidney-punch the administrative state, give it a wedgie, and steal its lunch money.

JAR-JAR

JAR-JAR

Senior Advisor/Son-in-Law

Jared Kushner was born on third base and thinks he invented baseball.

Jared’s dad, Charles Kushner, went to jail for tax evasion, illegal campaign donations, and, ahem, “witness tampering,” by which I mean he set his brother-in-law up with a hooker (not, I’m sad to report, of the Pissing Russian variety) and recorded their genital-smushing in order to blackmail him.

HEY, KELLYANNE!

HEY, KELLYANNE!

Senior Counsel

Hey, Kellyaaaaaaaaaaaanne!
Hey, Kellyaaaaaaaaaaaanne!

When you worked for Akin, things weren’t simple
Cuz he got caught on tape
With legitimate rape

4-HEDD THE SHITTY WHITE GUY FROM BEYOND THE STARS

4-HEDD THE SHITTY WHITE GUY FROM BEYOND THE STARS

Senior Advisor for Policy

Why is it always the shittiest imaginable white dudes who turn out to be white supremacists?

Stephen Miller, who started balding eleven seconds after his conception, has by all accounts been a sack of monkey shit pretty much every single minute of his life.

THE MOOCH

THE MOOCH

Director of Communications

Oh wow, this new Communications Director looks like a real character, huh?

Where to begin? Ok, Anthony Scaramucci first came to –

Wait, what? Really?

KKKRIS KKKOBACH

KKKRIS KKKOBACH

White Supremacist Multi-Tool

Kris Kobach is like the protagonist of the white supremacist version of one of those Disney movies where a kid learns to chase his dreams, no matter how big. The kid gets tired of the monotonous grind of burning crosses on just one lawn at a time, and dreams of burning a cross big enough for the whole dang country!

Maybe he has a talking/singing Confederate flag for a sidekick. Named “Bedford.”

“DOC” GORKA

“DOC” GORKA

Roving Freelance Fascist

As seen in the famed documentary RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK, when the Ark of the Covenant was opened on an uncharted island north of Crete, the burning light that issued thereof reduced the Nazi soldiers present to piles of ash and molten flesh. In time, the rains washed the fascist bio-goo into the island’s sewage system, where it mixed with the shit and piss and used tampons and such, and in time it congealed, took the shape of a man (albeit an unattractive one), slapped on a pair of glasses, and Sebastian Gorka was formed.

ATLAS CRAPPED

ATLAS CRAPPED

Speaker of the House

Paul Ryan was cloned from a single pubic hair plucked from Ayn Rand post-coitus and grown in a still in Charles Koch’s back yard.

YERTLE

YERTLE

Senate Majority Leader

Many years ago, Gamera was following the Grateful Dead on tour, and engaged in a brief-but-life-affirming affair with an Ohio River ‘gator that hung around Ma McConnell’s pig farm, picking off runts for sustenance. Nine months later, young Mitch emerged from a leathery egg, and devoured his fellow hatchlings, beginning his life-long love affair with hurting children.

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