Mike Pence is the Patron Saint of Mediocre White Dudes, and the Roman God of Failing Upwards.
A Democrat in his youth, Pence, like many men of limited intelligence, turned to religious conservatism for the convenience of being able to end arguments by claiming God shares his every fear and prejudice, while forgiving his every shortcoming, how convenient.
Secretary of State
Mike Pompeo is one of those performatively pious fake Christians who loves using his loudly-claimed-but-seldom-followed faith like a cudgel while ignoring every single word of the actual Bible, including “and” and “the.”
Secretary of State
Over the course of three decades, Rex Tillerson fucked, bribed, and murdered his way to the top of Exxon Mobil, like some sort of jowlsy Eva Peron.
William Barr actually taught me a valuable lesson. See, I didn’t look too closely at Bill when he was nominated to be Attorney General. After Jeff “Too Racist for the 80’s” Sessions and the masculine toilet guy, honestly, he looked like a nice, refreshing, safe, traditional Republican. An institutionalist who could bring a little much-needed stability.
And then he turned out to be a fascist, and one of the most dangerous enemies of democracy in American history. Whoops. My bad.
Secretary of the Treasury
Steve Mnuchin, like his namesake, the Noise You Make When You’re Dry Heaving After Getting Food Poisoning From Eating Truck Stop Gas Station Roller Hot Pockets on a Road Trip, is deeply unpleasant, and may result in the involuntary voiding of foul-smelling bodily fluids.
Secretary of Defense
Chief of Staff
National Security Advisor
Holy shit, there are Generals all over the place these days, aren’t there?
Retired General James Mattis serves as Secretary of Defense. Retired General John Kelly ran Homeland Security for a bit, before becoming the Lead Executive Branch Babysitter, excuse me, Chief of Staff. H.R. McMaster’s the National Security Advisor, and hell, he’s still on active duty.
Jefferson Beauregard Sessions, third generation of his family to carry the name of a Confedarate piece of trash and also a second Confederate piece of trash, is living his dream. As Velveeta Goebbels’ Attorney General, he’s turning back the clock to a time when women and minorities knew their place, and mediocre white dudes like himself got to run everything, even if they weren’t especially bright.
Ryan Zinke is like if the crappiest robot in Westworld escaped and jumped into conservative politics. He’s such a cartoon cowboy, I bet his right boot says “Andy” on the bottom.
Secretary of Commerce
When a witch’s curse transformed his master into a Beast and his fellow servants into household objects, Wilbur Ross became a decorative garden gnome. Unlike the rest of his compatriots, he ventured out into the world to make his fortune in the realm of shady international finance and money laundering, and when True Love’s Kiss lifted the curse, Wilbur was too far away for the enchantment to reverse, and thus he remains trapped in gnome form forever.
Secretary of Health and Human Services
If the Hippocratic Oath is binding in any sort of spiritual sense, Tom Price is royally fucked, y’all. There is some straight Dante shit awaitin’ him in the afterlife.
Secretary of Housing and Urban Development
Dr. Ben Carson is only in politics because he was rude President Obama to his face. At the 2013 National Prayer Breakfast, a traditionally non-political event, Dr. Ben, having been invited as the keynote speaker, decided to use his time to shit on the President and his policies.
Secretary of Education
Betsy DeVos is what happens when bored white ladies have enough money to really fuck shit up. Turns out, if you’re born rich and marry richer, you don’t have to settle for a book club, you can buy yourself a whole cabinet department!
Administrator of the EPA
Scott Pruitt, like a lot of boys his age, grew up watching Captain Planet cartoons. Unlike most boys his age, he decided that the various sludge-smog-and-toxic-waste-slinging villains were the role models for him.
Ok, fine. Pruitt is ten years too old to have grown up on Captain Planet, but fuck you, that’s a good opening paragraph. Make your own fucking website, you don’t like it.
Chief of Staff
Nobody wants to be Reince Priebus when they grow up. He’s just so immediately recognizable as a weaselly little tapeworm of a man, y’know?
Reince Priebus is the sort of person who would be played by Brad Dourif in a film.
Steve Bannon played Bob Ewell in a high school production of To Kill a Mockingbird, and liked it so much he decided to stay in the character for the rest of his life.
A self-described Leninist, and an outspoken populist*, Bannon wants to kidney-punch the administrative state, give it a wedgie, and steal its lunch money.
Jared Kushner was born on third base and thinks he invented baseball.
Jared’s dad, Charles Kushner, went to jail for tax evasion, illegal campaign donations, and, ahem, “witness tampering,” by which I mean he set his brother-in-law up with a hooker (not, I’m sad to report, of the Pissing Russian variety) and recorded their genital-smushing in order to blackmail him.
Daddy’s Little Girl
Ivanka Trump is what happens when you cross Gwyneth Paltrow with Mussolini’s dumbest, laziest aide-de-camp. Watching her try to sell her father’s fascism as some sort of pro-woman lifestyle brand, marketed in the sickliest imaginable shade of pink, has been one of the most bizarre subplots of this nightmare we can’t seem to pinch ourselves out of.
So, while Melania Trump is perhaps not as shitty as many of the crooks, Nazis, and Nazi crooks who inhabit her dirtbag husband’s world, she manages to impressively shitty in her own right.
When you worked for Akin, things weren’t simple
Cuz he got caught on tape
With legitimate rape
Senior Advisor for Policy
Why is it always the shittiest imaginable white dudes who turn out to be white supremacists?
Stephen Miller, who started balding eleven seconds after his conception, has by all accounts been a sack of monkey shit pretty much every single minute of his life.
Director of Communications
Oh wow, this new Communications Director looks like a real character, huh?
Where to begin? Ok, Anthony Scaramucci first came to –
Wait, what? Really?
White Supremacist Multi-Tool
Kris Kobach is like the protagonist of the white supremacist version of one of those Disney movies where a kid learns to chase his dreams, no matter how big. The kid gets tired of the monotonous grind of burning crosses on just one lawn at a time, and dreams of burning a cross big enough for the whole dang country!
Maybe he has a talking/singing Confederate flag for a sidekick. Named “Bedford.”
Roving Freelance Fascist
As seen in the famed documentary RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK, when the Ark of the Covenant was opened on an uncharted island north of Crete, the burning light that issued thereof reduced the Nazi soldiers present to piles of ash and molten flesh. In time, the rains washed the fascist bio-goo into the island’s sewage system, where it mixed with the shit and piss and used tampons and such, and in time it congealed, took the shape of a man (albeit an unattractive one), slapped on a pair of glasses, and Sebastian Gorka was formed.
Speaker of the House
Paul Ryan was cloned from a single pubic hair plucked from Ayn Rand post-coitus and grown in a still in Charles Koch’s back yard.
Senate Majority Leader
Many years ago, Gamera was following the Grateful Dead on tour, and engaged in a brief-but-life-affirming affair with an Ohio River ‘gator that hung around Ma McConnell’s pig farm, picking off runts for sustenance. Nine months later, young Mitch emerged from a leathery egg, and devoured his fellow hatchlings, beginning his life-long love affair with hurting children.
Susan Collins is How It Happens Here, folks.
She’s supposed to be the rational centrist. The one who stands up to the increasingly-rabid gaggle of turd-spewing hyenas known as the Republican Party when they go too far. That’s whole point of Susan Collins. It’s the brand she’s been selling the people of Maine for years.
Anybody wondering if the GOP is still the party of Lincoln gets their answer whenever they take in James Daniel Jordan’s tension-racked, jacketless frame as he does his “indignant soccer dad demands to see a manager” routine during a committee hearing. Lincoln? That ship has sailed, caught fire, sunk, and been overrun by sea slugs and the ghosts of unusually shitty pirates. Sorry.
Official Sponsors of American Fascism
Chuck and Davey Koch decided that popping out of a rich lady’s vagina gave them the right to reshape the world however they saw fit, hurting whoever they wanted to in the process, and since the fundamental driving impulse of your average Republican politician is to sell out to the highest bidder, they haven’t exactly been proven wrong.
Getting Played by North Korea is Like Losing a Checkers Game to a Hedgehog
If this week’s news were a political novel, I would compliment the author on the way she veered seamlessly between the high-stakes drama of malignant forces working to destroy the very foundations of the American experiment and the comic buffoonery of blithering idiots meddling with forces they can’t begin to comprehend.
But since this is all real life, I’m hiding in my closet, screaming at the top of my fucking lungs.
Yes, a sinkhole has opened on the White House lawn, and everyone has enjoyed a good sturdy laugh about it. Everyone except President Trump, who is frightened that he is the only one who hears the faint, reedy, voice emanating from it at all hours of the day, whispering “Puuuuuuuusssssssy….puuuuuuuuuuuuuuusssssssy within! Riiiiiiiiipe for the grabbing! Commmmmme grab usssssss Donallllllllllld!”
So, Kirstjen Nielsen casually mentioned to a group of reporters that she was unaware of the intelligence community’s assessment (backed up by the Senate Intelligence Committee just last week) that Russia interfered in the 2016 election on behalf of her shitworm boss. Considering how long this information has been out there, and how widely it’s been covered, I’d be upset if the barista at my coffee shop said that, but we’re talking about the Secretary of the Whole Fucking Department of Homeland Security here. HOW THE FUCK ARE YOU SUPPOSED TO SECURE THE HOMELAND IF YOU’RE NOT PAYING ATTENTION TO WHICH FOREIGN POWERS ARE STAGING COMPLEX CYBERATTACK CAMPAIGNS AGAINST US, YOU FUCKWIT?
Hey everybody, I know keeping up with the news really tests the limits of your emotional capacity these days, between the inhuman crimes of the ICEstapo and the suffering people of Puerto Rico who’ve been abandoned by their racist government and the victims of school shootings and the people killed by the white supremacist terrorists given succor and comfort by a shitbag Klansman President who calls them Very Fine People, but I need you to pull out your crowbar and pry open your heart just a little bit further…
Because SARAH HUCKABEE SANDERS HAD HER FEE-FEES HURT.
The Uncredible Huck says it “bothers her” that everyone calls her a liar. That’s like ZZ Top complaining that people are always taking about their beards. Shit, Sarah, lying is your entire goddamn job description. If you didn’t lie, you’d be a motherfucking MIME.
Hey, here’s a good bit for all you political humor fans! SETUP: Didja hear the one about the Cabinet-level official who banned several members of the press from a public conference? PUNCHLINE: They even had security guards physically remove one reporter! HAHAHAHAHAHHAAHHAHA IT’S FUNNY BECAUSE IT’S FASCIST!
Seriously though, in this entire dirtbag administration, no one is quite so ready for a full authoritarian takeover as Scott Pruitt. I’m starting to think he installed that soundproof booth to plot the Reichstag Fire.
Turning things over to the sports desk for minute: fuck the NFL. Fuck ‘em right in the eye. With a claw hammer. All night long. Fuck ‘em for selling out free speech. Fuck ‘em for giving in to the shittiest losers our country has produced since Strom Thurmond’s final breath creaked out from his decrepit, rotting, evil, flesh.
And of course Mike Pants did an undignified little victory dance (though he did not gyrate his hips excessively, for the Lord frowns upon such lasciviousness) at this setback to the first amendment, this crotch punt to the right to protest, this white supremacist boot on the neck of a predominately African-American workforce. Cuz Mikey Hairshirt is racist trash.
Cowboy Ryan Zinke has targeted some of the last remaining obstacles to American Graytnuss, Obama-era rules prohibiting hunters from killing hibernating wolf cubs on public lands, among other restrictions. Also, if you come across a sleeping unicorn foal, you can just beat it to death with a rock now.
If you still require evidence that we’re all locked in some sort of other-dimensional fun house, this week we learned that the Marmalade Shartcannon’s tweets are sometimes composed not by the Bloat himself, but by staffers, who emulate his “writing style” by capitalizing random words, peppering posts liberally with unnecessary exclamation points, and running their work through a “What if I were an unusually dense third grader” translator. The principle being, “Writing like a moron connects him to his moron base.” This must be that American Exceptionalism I’m always hearing about.
Michael Cohen’s partner, the so-called “Taxi King” wasted little time in rolling over on the President’s thuggish fixer boy, accepting a plea deal and cooperating with government prosecutors. No word at this time on how this will affect the succession to the Taxi Throne, but I bet Cohen’s gotten so used to pissing his pants whenever he reads the latest news, he’s taken to wearing diapers.
Speaking of Mickey Dead Eyes, the BBC dug up a sordid little episode where Ukraine bribed him to the tune of $400,000 to set up a meeting with the Velveeta Vulgarian. And the meeting went so well, Ukrainian officials immediately dropped their investigation into Paul Manafort and stopped cooperating with the Mueller probe! MONEY WELL SPENT!
For those keeping score at home, just as with the ZTE/China/sanctions story, the official policy of the United States of America is up for sale, and there’s nothing this cabal of grifters won’t trade for their own personal enrichment. And as long as Mitch McConnell gets his judges, he’ll watch everything that’s decent and good about this country go up in flames, and won’t even piss on the fire to put it out.
…god, I wish I believed in Hell.
A federal judge ruled that the Poo Mistake is constitutionally prohibited from blocking American citizens from viewing his Twitter feed. And we all know much violating the Constitution bothers him. I’m sure he’ll get right on unblocking everybody, after he’s deported the entire Washington press corps and bombed FBI headquarters to rubble.
Saudi Arabia threw a little party this week, because the Jared Kushner General Store & State Secrets Emporium is back open for business! Yes, despite countless undisclosed meetings with foreign officials and a few dozen amendments to his disclosure forms, Fredo Squared finally has his permanent security clearance! Bail his shitty family out of their Manhattan real estate debacle, and he’ll use the U.S.A.’s state of the art satellite system to give you precise GPS coordinates for the spies operating in YOUR country!
Anyway, if Jar-Jar can get his clearance, I bet I can get served at the Denny’s in my college town even though I peed on the salad bar that night I tried Tequila for the first time. They said I wasn’t allowed back, but clearly consequences are a thing of the past.
Word is, the Kush Ball sat down for a second interview with Mueller’s crew. I’m sure he dutifully parroted the latest version of his father-in-law’s agreed-upon spin, confident that unlike all the other previous times, nobody will find out anything beyond what’s already out there in the press. And if he didn’t notice Bodacious Bob’s subtle grin, well, chalk it up to the unearned self-regard of a white boy born into extravagant wealth.
Somebody threw their drink at Tammy Lasorda or whatever her fucking name is, and now we’re having another conversation about what courtesy is owed to hate mongers. Here’s Cap’s take: while y’all are clutching your pearls about etiquette, these people are trying to destroy the courts, the press, the FBI, and OUR SHARED FUCKING OBJECTIVE REALITY. Tonya should have drinks thrown on her whenever she tries walking into a room full of decent people.
Speaking of Hate-mongering Crapgeysers, Alex Jones keeps on accumulatin’ lawsuits, which couldn’t happen to a nicer guy unless maybe they dug up Mr. Rogers. Six more, from Sandy Hook families and an FBI agent who responded to the shooting. I hope he got the punch card, he’ll get 15% off the next settlement! Of course, by then, he won’t have any assets beyond the lifetime supply of yogurt he’s legally required to apologize to twice a day.
Hot on the heels of their failed “Just because he committed Honey Bunches of Money Laundering Crimes doesn’t mean you can prosecute them, Mr. Fancypants Robert Mueller!” gambit, Paul Manafort’s lawyers are trying to get the evidence seized by the FBI in their raids of his home and storage unit thrown out, on the grounds that Holy Shit That is Some Damning-Ass Evidence and We Would Much Rather the Jury Didn’t See It. Gotta try, I suppose.
Betsy DeVos is totally down with any shitsack public school teacher who feels like summoning ICE to deport any brown kids breathing all the white kids’ air, because she is a goddamn monster. “It’s a local community decision,” snarled the DeVostator, and if the local community wants to whiten its whites like OxiClean, who is she to judge?
If I can put on my best Rachel McAdams for a moment…Donnie. Stop trying to make “Spygate” happen. It’s not going to happen.
As the walls close ever in on him, the Grand Wizard Grifter keeps throwing more and more eggs in Goebbels’ famous “Big Lie” basket. I don’t know that the original Nazis reckoned with the problems the Big Lie would encounter when told by a known mendacious goon (a “Shart who cried wolf,” if you will) with an inescapable reputation for lying about everything from his crowd sizes to his height and weight.
Still, Tangerine Idi Amin keeps ranting about his little self-spun conspiracy tale at every available opportunity, perhaps hoping that once the reports are all written and every detail of his life of crime has been dragged from the shadows for all the world to see, he’ll have so thoroughly brainwashed his small army of rubes that they’ll wage war on the FBI for him.
Anyway. I think in future presidential debates, they should ask the candidates, “Which, if any, of the institutions of American democracy would you be willing to destroy to cover your own ass?” (Rick Perry woulda been all, “the Department of Commerce, the Department of Education and OOPS I FORGOT THE THIRD ONE LOW-HANGING RICK PERRY FRUIT WUT WUUUUUUUUUT!!!!!)
Still, he managed to parlay his Mueller fanfic into some briefings by the FBI on their informant, yes, INFORMANT, even though “spy” sounds much cooler and more sinister. At first, they actually tried excluding Democrats altogether, with a special briefing just for shittiest pro-Drumpf shills in the House, but that proved to be too much fuckery for even these Constitution-shredding turdwaffles, and so the entire bipartisan Gang of Eight was allowed to attend.
Still, Devin “Pigfucker” Nunes had his own private meeting. Hopefully he got patted down for markers and scissors and x-acto knives. And matches.
Oh, and Shart House lawyer Emmet Flood and John Kelly showed up for the beginning of the meetings, too! The meetings sharing classified information from an investigation into potential criminal acts by the President and his team. Jesus. If Obama pulled shit like this, Sean Hannity would’ve called on his viewers to dig trenches and secede.
Well, after weeks of frantic expectations-lowering (“What if we call it a win if Kim Jong-un doesn’t steal any towels from the hotel?”) Shart Garfunkel finally threw in the towel (or, more likely, after several feeble attempts to throw in the towel with his wee inadequate hands, called General Kelly into the Oval Office and ordered him to attend to all necessary towel-throwing) on the Singapore Summit Where He Honestly Believed North Korea Would Trade Their Nukes for a Handful of Shiny Beads.
It’s a real shock that Drumpfy’s plan, which mostly involved skipping straight to the praise-gathering without all that pesky diplomacy, failed to untangle one of the global community’s biggest challenges. The whole thing was supposed to magically fall into place because he was so much smarter/tuffer/whiter than Obama, easy-peasy, I’ll need individual copies of that Nobel Prize for each golf course thank you very much.
Looking to shore up his dirtbag base following the North Korea debacle, Lil’ Donnie Two-Scoops offhandedly suggested maybe deportation would be a fitting punishment for those dirty anthem-kneelers, with their treasonous insistence that Black Lives Matter and what have you. (What if you don’t know the words to the anthem, Don? Do you get deported then?)
He certainly understands his supporters. They don’t need victories, abroad or domestically. They don’t even seem to want better jobs or lower taxes or cheaper health care. A little venom, a little hatred, a reason to gather ‘round the campfire and shriek “lock her up” at perceived enemies every now and then, that’s enough…that Orwell fellah knew a thing or two about human nature, didn’t he?
Toupee Fiasco also seems to be toying with a plan to withhold foreign aid from countries that fail to keep their Animals and When We Say Animals We Just Mean the Gang Members WINK WINK from immigrating to the U.S., because he’s worried that maybe there’s still an ounce or two of America’s goodwill he’s yet to squander.
Roger Stone got caught with his hand in the cookie jar, asking for hawt Wikileaks-stolen Hilldawg action during the 2016 campaign. And so Stone joins the ballooning list of Trumpkins who’ve been caught lying to Congress. It’s weird how Republicans will keep opening and reopening investigations into Democrats (especially Lady Democrats who run for President) in the total absence of criminal wrongdoing, but they won’t lift a finger when incontrovertible proof of one of their own breaking the law turns up.
And now CNN reports that Mueller has started poking around in Roger’s personal finances, so yeah, that pompous old fool is going to jail.
Speaking of Shitbags destined for incarceration, we’re told Julian Assange has possibly worn out his welcome in the Ecuadorian embassy. If I wasn’t so busy crying for Sarah Sanders, I would cry for you, Julian.
That’s just three days worth of madness, Resisters. THREE DAYS. Under Obama, I feel like I didn’t even read a newspaper at all in 2013. Three days with Drumpf, I’m like…I wrote so much, is anybody gonna read this shit?