If this week’s news were a political novel, I would compliment the author on the way she veered seamlessly between the high-stakes drama of malignant forces working to destroy the very foundations of the American experiment and the comic buffoonery of blithering idiots meddling with forces they can’t begin to comprehend.

But since this is all real life, I’m hiding in my closet, screaming at the top of my fucking lungs.

Yes, a sinkhole has opened on the White House lawn, and everyone has enjoyed a good sturdy laugh about it. Everyone except President Trump, who is frightened that he is the only one who hears the faint, reedy, voice emanating from it at all hours of the day, whispering “Puuuuuuuusssssssy….puuuuuuuuuuuuuuusssssssy within! Riiiiiiiiipe for the grabbing! Commmmmme grab usssssss Donallllllllllld!”

So, Kirstjen Nielsen casually mentioned to a group of reporters that she was unaware of the intelligence community’s assessment (backed up by the Senate Intelligence Committee just last week) that Russia interfered in the 2016 election on behalf of her shitworm boss. Considering how long this information has been out there, and how widely it’s been covered, I’d be upset if the barista at my coffee shop said that, but we’re talking about the Secretary of the Whole Fucking Department of Homeland Security here. HOW THE FUCK ARE YOU SUPPOSED TO SECURE THE HOMELAND IF YOU’RE NOT PAYING ATTENTION TO WHICH FOREIGN POWERS ARE STAGING COMPLEX CYBERATTACK CAMPAIGNS AGAINST US, YOU FUCKWIT?

Hey everybody, I know keeping up with the news really tests the limits of your emotional capacity these days, between the inhuman crimes of the ICEstapo and the suffering people of Puerto Rico who’ve been abandoned by their racist government and the victims of school shootings and the people killed by the white supremacist terrorists given succor and comfort by a shitbag Klansman President who calls them Very Fine People, but I need you to pull out your crowbar and pry open your heart just a little bit further…

Because SARAH HUCKABEE SANDERS HAD HER FEE-FEES HURT.

The Uncredible Huck says it “bothers her” that everyone calls her a liar. That’s like ZZ Top complaining that people are always taking about their beards. Shit, Sarah, lying is your entire goddamn job description. If you didn’t lie, you’d be a motherfucking MIME.

Hey, here’s a good bit for all you political humor fans! SETUP: Didja hear the one about the Cabinet-level official who banned several members of the press from a public conference? PUNCHLINE: They even had security guards physically remove one reporter! HAHAHAHAHAHHAAHHAHA IT’S FUNNY BECAUSE IT’S FASCIST!

Seriously though, in this entire dirtbag administration, no one is quite so ready for a full authoritarian takeover as Scott Pruitt. I’m starting to think he installed that soundproof booth to plot the Reichstag Fire.

Turning things over to the sports desk for minute: fuck the NFL. Fuck ‘em right in the eye. With a claw hammer. All night long. Fuck ‘em for selling out free speech. Fuck ‘em for giving in to the shittiest losers our country has produced since Strom Thurmond’s final breath creaked out from his decrepit, rotting, evil, flesh.

And of course Mike Pants did an undignified little victory dance (though he did not gyrate his hips excessively, for the Lord frowns upon such lasciviousness) at this setback to the first amendment, this crotch punt to the right to protest, this white supremacist boot on the neck of a predominately African-American workforce. Cuz Mikey Hairshirt is racist trash.

Cowboy Ryan Zinke has targeted some of the last remaining obstacles to American Graytnuss, Obama-era rules prohibiting hunters from killing hibernating wolf cubs on public lands, among other restrictions. Also, if you come across a sleeping unicorn foal, you can just beat it to death with a rock now.

If you still require evidence that we’re all locked in some sort of other-dimensional fun house, this week we learned that the Marmalade Shartcannon’s tweets are sometimes composed not by the Bloat himself, but by staffers, who emulate his “writing style” by capitalizing random words, peppering posts liberally with unnecessary exclamation points, and running their work through a “What if I were an unusually dense third grader” translator. The principle being, “Writing like a moron connects him to his moron base.” This must be that American Exceptionalism I’m always hearing about.

Michael Cohen’s partner, the so-called “Taxi King” wasted little time in rolling over on the President’s thuggish fixer boy, accepting a plea deal and cooperating with government prosecutors. No word at this time on how this will affect the succession to the Taxi Throne, but I bet Cohen’s gotten so used to pissing his pants whenever he reads the latest news, he’s taken to wearing diapers.

Speaking of Mickey Dead Eyes, the BBC dug up a sordid little episode where Ukraine bribed him to the tune of $400,000 to set up a meeting with the Velveeta Vulgarian. And the meeting went so well, Ukrainian officials immediately dropped their investigation into Paul Manafort and stopped cooperating with the Mueller probe!  MONEY WELL SPENT!

For those keeping score at home, just as with the ZTE/China/sanctions story, the official policy of the United States of America is up for sale, and there’s nothing this cabal of grifters won’t trade for their own personal enrichment. And as long as Mitch McConnell gets his judges, he’ll watch everything that’s decent and good about this country go up in flames, and won’t even piss on the fire to put it out.

…god, I wish I believed in Hell.

A federal judge ruled that the Poo Mistake is constitutionally prohibited from blocking American citizens from viewing his Twitter feed. And we all know much violating the Constitution bothers him. I’m sure he’ll get right on unblocking everybody, after he’s deported the entire Washington press corps and bombed FBI headquarters to rubble.

Saudi Arabia threw a little party this week, because the Jared Kushner General Store & State Secrets Emporium is back open for business! Yes, despite countless undisclosed meetings with foreign officials and a few dozen amendments to his disclosure forms, Fredo Squared finally has his permanent security clearance! Bail his shitty family out of their Manhattan real estate debacle, and he’ll use the U.S.A.’s state of the art satellite system to give you precise GPS coordinates for the spies operating in YOUR country!

Anyway, if Jar-Jar can get his clearance, I bet I can get served at the Denny’s in my college town even though I peed on the salad bar that night I tried Tequila for the first time. They said I wasn’t allowed back, but clearly consequences are a thing of the past.

Word is, the Kush Ball sat down for a second interview with Mueller’s crew. I’m sure he dutifully parroted the latest version of his father-in-law’s agreed-upon spin, confident that unlike all the other previous times, nobody will find out anything beyond what’s already out there in the press. And if he didn’t notice Bodacious Bob’s subtle grin, well, chalk it up to the unearned self-regard of a white boy born into extravagant wealth.

Somebody threw their drink at Tammy Lasorda or whatever her fucking name is, and now we’re having another conversation about what courtesy is owed to hate mongers. Here’s Cap’s take: while y’all are clutching your pearls about etiquette, these people are trying to destroy the courts, the press, the FBI, and OUR SHARED FUCKING OBJECTIVE REALITY. Tonya should have drinks thrown on her whenever she tries walking into a room full of decent people.

That goes for Richard Spencer and Milo and Stephen Miller and Sarah Slanders and Mike Pants and ALL OF THEM. These fucks are not worried about YOUR feelings, I promise you.

Speaking of Hate-mongering Crapgeysers, Alex Jones keeps on accumulatin’ lawsuits, which couldn’t happen to a nicer guy unless maybe they dug up Mr. Rogers. Six more, from Sandy Hook families and an FBI agent who responded to the shooting. I hope he got the punch card, he’ll get 15% off the next settlement! Of course, by then, he won’t have any assets beyond the lifetime supply of yogurt he’s legally required to apologize to twice a day.

Hot on the heels of their failed “Just because he committed Honey Bunches of Money Laundering Crimes doesn’t mean you can prosecute them, Mr. Fancypants Robert Mueller!” gambit, Paul Manafort’s lawyers are trying to get the evidence seized by the FBI in their raids of his home and storage unit thrown out, on the grounds that Holy Shit That is Some Damning-Ass Evidence and We Would Much Rather the Jury Didn’t See It. Gotta try, I suppose.

Betsy DeVos is totally down with any shitsack public school teacher who feels like summoning ICE to deport any brown kids breathing all the white kids’ air, because she is a goddamn monster. “It’s a local community decision,” snarled the DeVostator, and if the local community wants to whiten its whites like OxiClean, who is she to judge?

If I can put on my best Rachel McAdams for a moment…Donnie. Stop trying to make “Spygate” happen. It’s not going to happen.

As the walls close ever in on him, the Grand Wizard Grifter keeps throwing more and more eggs in Goebbels’ famous “Big Lie” basket. I don’t know that the original Nazis reckoned with the problems the Big Lie would encounter when told by a known mendacious goon (a “Shart who cried wolf,” if you will) with an inescapable reputation for lying about everything from his crowd sizes to his height and weight.

Still, Tangerine Idi Amin keeps ranting about his little self-spun conspiracy tale at every available opportunity, perhaps hoping that once the reports are all written and every detail of his life of crime has been dragged from the shadows for all the world to see, he’ll have so thoroughly brainwashed his small army of rubes that they’ll wage war on the FBI for him.

Anyway. I think in future presidential debates, they should ask the candidates, “Which, if any, of the institutions of American democracy would you be willing to destroy to cover your own ass?” (Rick Perry woulda been all, “the Department of Commerce, the Department of Education and OOPS I FORGOT THE THIRD ONE LOW-HANGING RICK PERRY FRUIT WUT WUUUUUUUUUT!!!!!)

Still, he managed to parlay his Mueller fanfic into some briefings by the FBI on their informant, yes, INFORMANT, even though “spy” sounds much cooler and more sinister. At first, they actually tried excluding Democrats altogether, with a special briefing just for shittiest pro-Drumpf shills in the House, but that proved to be too much fuckery for even these Constitution-shredding turdwaffles, and so the entire bipartisan Gang of Eight was allowed to attend.

Still, Devin “Pigfucker” Nunes had his own private meeting. Hopefully he got patted down for markers and scissors and x-acto knives. And matches.

Oh, and Shart House lawyer Emmet Flood and John Kelly showed up for the beginning of the meetings, too! The meetings sharing classified information from an investigation into potential criminal acts by the President and his team. Jesus. If Obama pulled shit like this, Sean Hannity would’ve called on his viewers to dig trenches and secede.

Well, after weeks of frantic expectations-lowering (“What if we call it a win if Kim Jong-un doesn’t steal any towels from the hotel?”) Shart Garfunkel finally threw in the towel (or, more likely, after several feeble attempts to throw in the towel with his wee inadequate hands, called General Kelly into the Oval Office and ordered him to attend to all necessary towel-throwing) on the Singapore Summit Where He Honestly Believed North Korea Would Trade Their Nukes for a Handful of Shiny Beads.

It’s a real shock that Drumpfy’s plan, which mostly involved skipping straight to the praise-gathering without all that pesky diplomacy, failed to untangle one of the global community’s biggest challenges. The whole thing was supposed to magically fall into place because he was so much smarter/tuffer/whiter than Obama, easy-peasy, I’ll need individual copies of that Nobel Prize for each golf course thank you very much.

Looking to shore up his dirtbag base following the North Korea debacle, Lil’ Donnie Two-Scoops offhandedly suggested maybe deportation would be a fitting punishment for those dirty anthem-kneelers, with their treasonous insistence that Black Lives Matter and what have you. (What if you don’t know the words to the anthem, Don? Do you get deported then?)

He certainly understands his supporters. They don’t need victories, abroad or domestically. They don’t even seem to want better jobs or lower taxes or cheaper health care. A little venom, a little hatred, a reason to gather ‘round the campfire and shriek “lock her up” at perceived enemies every now and then, that’s enough…that Orwell fellah knew a thing or two about human nature, didn’t he?

Toupee Fiasco also seems to be toying with a plan to withhold foreign aid from countries that fail to keep their Animals and When We Say Animals We Just Mean the Gang Members WINK WINK from immigrating to the U.S., because he’s worried that maybe there’s still an ounce or two of America’s goodwill he’s yet to squander.

Roger Stone got caught with his hand in the cookie jar, asking for hawt Wikileaks-stolen Hilldawg action during the 2016 campaign. And so Stone joins the ballooning list of Trumpkins who’ve been caught lying to Congress. It’s weird how Republicans will keep opening and reopening investigations into Democrats (especially Lady Democrats who run for President) in the total absence of criminal wrongdoing, but they won’t lift a finger when incontrovertible proof of one of their own breaking the law turns up.

And now CNN reports that Mueller has started poking around in Roger’s personal finances, so yeah, that pompous old fool is going to jail.

Speaking of Shitbags destined for incarceration, we’re told Julian Assange has possibly worn out his welcome in the Ecuadorian embassy. If I wasn’t so busy crying for Sarah Sanders, I would cry for you, Julian.

That’s just three days worth of madness, Resisters. THREE DAYS. Under Obama, I feel like I didn’t even read a newspaper at all in 2013. Three days with Drumpf, I’m like…I wrote so much, is anybody gonna read this shit?