Been gone awhile. Shit still cray?

Hey there folks. So, I’ve been out of town for a few days, and I’m trying to catch up on the news real quick. Maybe you can help me out. Is shit still cray? Is shit still breathtakingly, overwhelmingly, face-smashingly, bat-shittingly cray?

I actually took off just as that Jim Varney fellah was doing his Ernest Goes to Testify Before the Senate Intelligence Committee show, and I missed a lot of it. I understand John McCain was wandering around the Senate floor with his hospital gown on backwards or some shit, and I lack the words to describe how sorry I am to have missed the Party-Line Maverick making an ass of himself.

Anyhoo, from what I gather, Jazzy Jim went under oath and was all, “Yeah, all the shit you’ve read is true, Orange Julius Caesar tried to get me to lay off Flynn and back down on Russia and then he fired me cuz I wouldn’t and if you don’t believe me watch that Lester Holt interview where he said it himself. Also I leaked shit about the totally-unclassified memos I took in order to pressure the Justice Department into appointing a special counsel which is exactly what happened CHECK AND MATE BITCHES!!!!” and then he twerked on the table for a bit I was told.

Seems the President’s Loyal Huntin’ Dawg Beauregard finds himself in deeper shit than ever before. Y’know how JeffBeau always has that strained, vacant, vaguely terrified expression in every photo he takes, like he just sat on a pie and he’s scared to stand up? Don’t know if you’ve noticed, but there’s more fear in his eyes every single week, as the walls keep closin’ on in.

That is the look of a man who understands his day of reckoning is at hand.

And considering that it turns out that yet another undisclosed meeting between Sessions and certain unsavory Russians has surfaced, meaning the distinguished Attorney General has extra-special, super-deluxe, whipped-cream-and-a-maraschino-cherry-on-top perjured himself, expect those beady little eyes of his to keep gettin’ wider and wider until he looks like a fucking anime caricature of the mediocre Alabama trash that he is.

And so Jefferson Beauregard Sessions III has cancelled a public hearing scheduled for Tuesday in favor of a private one, in which he is expected to more or less reenact that John Turturro scene in MILLER’S CROSSING.

At any rate, Team Shart’s strategy seems to be to just declare victory and hope that if they keep popping champagne and ordering congratulatory ice cream cakes, nobody will pay attention when the impeachment trial starts.

But anyone who understands anything about the law is telling us the Comey testimony built a mightily damning case for obstruction of justice, but don’t worry, Shart-Shart, your lawyer sent out a letter that mis-spelled “President,” so you’ll be fine.

Of course, at Fox and Breitbart, everything is peachy-keen. The ratings may be plummeting and the advertisers may be fleeing, but they’re merrily concocting their alternate reality where Shart Garfunkel wins everything up to and including the NBA MVP and coal mining jobs keep falling from the sky like so much pigeon shit.

Seriously, the shrinking/shrieking right-wing media bubble has learned one big lesson from their Russian hacker friends: their customers are even bigger rubes and riper marks than they’d ever dreamed. “Shit, if these assholes are willing to believe the Clintons run a child sex slavery ring out of a pizza restaurant, what won’t they buy? All these years we thought we were pushing the edges of credibility, turns out we were holding back!” So there’s no lie too big to tell, and in the end, these fucks will surely be able to fool some of the people all of the time.

Anyway, America’s Least Favorite Poop Mistake decided to check off a bunch of boxes all at once, say Joltin’ Jim was dirty lying liar who lies except for all the places where he completely vindicated Boss Shart of all wrongdoing and also he’s the one who leaked everything ever and even tried to sell pirated downloads of the Baywatch movie but nobody wanted to see it so JOKE’S ON YOU, JIMBO.

He also thought he’d be a Big Tuff Boy Who Pulls Up His Own Pants and Gets His Poo in the Bowl at Least Sometimes Now by calling Jim a COWARD, and then immediately cancelled his state visit to England because he’s afraid of being protested by a bunch of dudes with bad teeth who listen to Morrissey.* And we all laughed at him.

Speaking of laughing at him, I guess the big GOP strategy to defend the Marmalade Shartcannon’s…shall we say, “questionable” actions…is to say “Well, he’s just a big fat fucking idiot who doesn’t understand what he’s saying or doing.”

Seriously. “He can’t collude with his own government.” That’s Lindsey Graham’s honest-to-god best shot at dismissing the ever-snowballing Russia scandal. That’s Lindsey Graham HELPING. “Surely this childlike dipshit, who can’t collude his way into tying his necktie at an appropriate length, isn’t capable of managing a conspiracy at any level.” Well no, Lindsey Ol’ Boy, that’s why it’s being uncovered so quickly and easily. Anyway, he can launch nukes whenever he wants to, sleep tight!

Oh, and did I see that Toupee Fiasco got so cocky that he offered to testify under oath? Hah. Hahhahahhaah. HAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHHHAHAHAHAH. He’s gonna want that one back, folks.

And wasn’t there something where Dorito Mussolini and his hopelessly overmatched “Secretary of State” declared opposite positions on Qatar within like, an hour of each other? I’m really asking. The line between parody and reality is an atom’s width these days.

And something happened in England, or Narnia, or someplace, right? Theresa May decided she wanted her picture in Webster’s next to “hubris” and everybody’s reading “British Politics For Dummies” and generally hoping that recent European elections are evidence that the citizens of the Western World have learned their lesson from watching the Ringling Brothers Except With Authoritarianism and Incompetence Instead of Acrobats and Clowns Show we’ve been putting these last six months. Good for you, Europe…got any room on your couch?

I see a bunch of Democrats have decided to sue over the emoluments clause, for the PETTY CUCK REASON that the Drumpf Family Robinshart keeps doing all it can to rake in every nickel they can get their inbred little hands on, whether by pimping visas in China or just setting up an empty mop bucket in the lobby of their D.C. hotel with a crudely drawn sign reading “Bribes go heer” in purple crayon. Since the GOP is just trying to sneak as many federal judges as they can through the Senate before this whole thing blows up in their faces, I guess we have to leave silly shit like “the constitutional duty to conduct oversight” and “enforcing the law” up to the courts. Wheeeee.

I’m seeing that Drumpf gave Head Weasel in Charge Reince Pubis until the Fourth of July to just…fix everything, fucking EVERY SINGLE THING THAT’S FUCKED WHICH IS A LOT OF FUCKING THINGS or he’s bringing Corey Lewandowski in to cause more problems and also assault more female reporters or somesuch. Looking to Corey Lewandowski for help in a crisis is a bit like trying to swallow cough syrup while you’re drowning, so by all means…proceed.

There’s more, I know. Shit with Reza Aslan and Dana Rohrabacher and some heavily armed cosplayers screeching about Shania law, but I was on the road for 8 hours today, so I’ve gotta let some shit slide.

Anyway, I know I missed a bunch of stuff. Help me out. Catch me up. I’m back in the saddle tomorr…wait what? The little Shartkins are up in arms over a production of JULIUS CAESAR and they’re getting corporate sponsors to pull out?

Fuck this Shit. Make art. Resist. Take your motherfucking country back. VOTE IN THE GODDAMN MIDTERMS.

I’m tired. Bedtime.

*I fucking love Morrissey, and my teeth are merely average. Point is, luv u, Great Britain.