Mike Pence is the Patron Saint of Mediocre White Dudes, and the Roman God of Failing Upwards.
A Democrat in his youth, Pence, like many men of limited intelligence, turned to religious conservatism for the convenience of being able to end arguments by claiming God shares his every fear and prejudice, while forgiving his every shortcoming, how convenient.
Secretary of State
Over the course of three decades, Rex Tillerson fucked, bribed, and murdered his way to the top of Exxon Mobil, like some sort of jowlsy Eva Peron.
Secretary of the Treasury
Steve Mnuchin, like his namesake, the Noise You Make When You’re Dry Heaving After Getting Food Poisoning From Eating Truck Stop Gas Station Roller Hot Pockets on a Road Trip, is deeply unpleasant, and may result in the involuntary voiding of foul-smelling bodily fluids.
Secretary of Defense
Chief of Staff
National Security Advisor
Holy shit, there are Generals all over the place these days, aren’t there?
Retired General James Mattis serves as Secretary of Defense. Retired General John Kelly ran Homeland Security for a bit, before becoming the Lead Executive Branch Babysitter, excuse me, Chief of Staff. H.R. McMaster’s the National Security Advisor, and hell, he’s still on active duty.
Jefferson Beauregard Sessions, third generation of his family to carry the name of a Confedarate piece of trash and also a second Confederate piece of trash, is living his dream. As Velveeta Goebbels’ Attorney General, he’s turning back the clock to a time when women and minorities knew their place, and mediocre white dudes like himself got to run everything, even if they weren’t especially bright.
Ryan Zinke is like if the crappiest robot in Westworld escaped and jumped into conservative politics. He’s such a cartoon cowboy, I bet his right boot says “Andy” on the bottom.
Secretary of Commerce
When a witch’s curse transformed his master into a Beast and his fellow servants into household objects, Wilbur Ross became a decorative garden gnome. Unlike the rest of his compatriots, he ventured out into the world to make his fortune in the realm of shady international finance and money laundering, and when True Love’s Kiss lifted the curse, Wilbur was too far away for the enchantment to reverse, and thus he remains trapped in gnome form forever.
Secretary of Health and Human Services
If the Hippocratic Oath is binding in any sort of spiritual sense, Tom Price is royally fucked, y’all. There is some straight Dante shit awaitin’ him in the afterlife.
Secretary of Housing and Urban Development
Dr. Ben Carson is only in politics because he was rude President Obama to his face. At the 2013 National Prayer Breakfast, a traditionally non-political event, Dr. Ben, having been invited as the keynote speaker, decided to use his time to shit on the President and his policies.
Secretary of Education
Betsy DeVos is what happens when bored white ladies have enough money to really fuck shit up. Turns out, if you’re born rich and marry richer, you don’t have to settle for a book club, you can buy yourself a whole cabinet department!
Administrator of the EPA
Scott Pruitt, like a lot of boys his age, grew up watching Captain Planet cartoons. Unlike most boys his age, he decided that the various sludge-smog-and-toxic-waste-slinging villains were the role models for him.
Ok, fine. Pruitt is ten years too old to have grown up on Captain Planet, but fuck you, that’s a good opening paragraph. Make your own fucking website, you don’t like it.
Chief of Staff
Nobody wants to be Reince Priebus when they grow up. He’s just so immediately recognizable as a weaselly little tapeworm of a man, y’know?
Reince Priebus is the sort of person who would be played by Brad Dourif in a film.
Steve Bannon played Bob Ewell in a high school production of To Kill a Mockingbird, and liked it so much he decided to stay in the character for the rest of his life.
A self-described Leninist, and an outspoken populist*, Bannon wants to kidney-punch the administrative state, give it a wedgie, and steal its lunch money.
Jared Kushner was born on third base and thinks he invented baseball.
Jared’s dad, Charles Kushner, went to jail for tax evasion, illegal campaign donations, and, ahem, “witness tampering,” by which I mean he set his brother-in-law up with a hooker (not, I’m sad to report, of the Pissing Russian variety) and recorded their genital-smushing in order to blackmail him.
When you worked for Akin, things weren’t simple
Cuz he got caught on tape
With legitimate rape
Senior Advisor for Policy
Why is it always the shittiest imaginable white dudes who turn out to be white supremacists?
Stephen Miller, who started balding eleven seconds after his conception, has by all accounts been a sack of monkey shit pretty much every single minute of his life.
Director of Communications
Oh wow, this new Communications Director looks like a real character, huh?
Where to begin? Ok, Anthony Scaramucci first came to –
Wait, what? Really?
White Supremacist Multi-Tool
Kris Kobach is like the protagonist of the white supremacist version of one of those Disney movies where a kid learns to chase his dreams, no matter how big. The kid gets tired of the monotonous grind of burning crosses on just one lawn at a time, and dreams of burning a cross big enough for the whole dang country!
Maybe he has a talking/singing Confederate flag for a sidekick. Named “Bedford.”
Roving Freelance Fascist
As seen in the famed documentary RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK, when the Ark of the Covenant was opened on an uncharted island north of Crete, the burning light that issued thereof reduced the Nazi soldiers present to piles of ash and molten flesh. In time, the rains washed the fascist bio-goo into the island’s sewage system, where it mixed with the shit and piss and used tampons and such, and in time it congealed, took the shape of a man (albeit an unattractive one), slapped on a pair of glasses, and Sebastian Gorka was formed.
Speaker of the House
Paul Ryan was cloned from a single pubic hair plucked from Ayn Rand post-coitus and grown in a still in Charles Koch’s back yard.
Senate Majority Leader
Many years ago, Gamera was following the Grateful Dead on tour, and engaged in a brief-but-life-affirming affair with an Ohio River ‘gator that hung around Ma McConnell’s pig farm, picking off runts for sustenance. Nine months later, young Mitch emerged from a leathery egg, and devoured his fellow hatchlings, beginning his life-long love affair with hurting children.
The GOP tripping over themselves to show us all just how much they hate the American people
Well, the GOP decided to throw a little theme party this week, and the theme was CRUELTY. Stung by all those You Ain’t Done Shit About Shit 100 days pieces, everybody from the lowliest wannabe Klansman serving on a small town school board to the dead-eyed demons occupying the highest perches of political power decided to show the country just what the Republican Party is all about: the vengeful, destructive hatred of everyone who disagrees with them. There was punch, a piñata that turned out to a DREAMer, and a rousing game of musical chairs where a group of plebes with kids who were born with genetic diseases competed believing the winner would get health insurance, but when there was just one chair left Paul Ryan took it away and everyone laughed and toasted with champagne that costs more than most folks’ rent.
The big story remains the House Republican Caucus’ efforts to find the precise number of American lives they can get away with destroying in order to pass their Die, Taker Scum bill, excuse me, the “AHCA.”
Last night, Jimmy Kimmel gave a moving monologue on his show about the life-threatening heart condition afflicting his newborn son, pointing out that this brand new human doesn’t deserve a life of constant illness and terror and financial hardship just because of the way he was born, and a number of Republican commentators jumped down his throat because now all the parents are gonna want all the sick children to live and money doesn’t grow on trees and keeping sick kids alive means the Koch brothers will only be able to sprinkle gold leaf on their breakfast oatmeal six days a week YOU RIFFRAFF.
Meanwhile, a group of so-called “moderates” led by Bloated Shitweasel Fred Upton engaged in some genuinely grotesque political theatre, beating their breasts over the plight of Americans with pre-existing conditions, who, under a new amendment brokered by the bloodthirsty maniacs of the Freedom Caucus were granted the Freedom to have insurance they can’t afford, which is supposed to be a greater Freedom than the one they already have, which is insurance they CAN afford, DON’T FUCKING ASK ME, THIS IS WHY I’M NOT REPUBLICAN.
Shitweasel Upton’s grand scheme is to throw the change from America’s sofa into a “high-risk pool,” offering about enough funding to secure 42 hours worth of insurance plus a two-for-one-coupon to Chick-Fil-A to the millions of people this bill would leave out in the cold. And of course everyone’s pretending that we never tried high risk pools before, and that they weren’t proven to be about as successful as the fucking XFL.
Anyway, these rampaging assholes seem hellbent on ramming this bill through the House before the people can see what’s in it, and before the CBO can score it, because maybe they think tomorrow never comes, I guess? Like, if they stick their fingers in their ears and hum the Andy Griffith theme as loud as they can, nobody will ever learn how many early graves they’re so gleefully digging?
Everybody hates the bill, doctors groups, hospital groups, insurers, patients groups, the AARP, the AMA, the AHA, the March of Dimes, lions, tigers, bears, and oh yeah, American citizens who don’t want their government to kill them. Everybody’s all bent out of shape over the silly notion that the federal government shouldn’t be actively working to usher in the early deaths of its constituents, the CUCKS.
Anyway, look for these fucks to get straight to work on some voter suppression laws, cuz the midterms are now set to be biggest toilet flush in American history. “I was just concerned that too many of my constituents lived without the life-enriching constant fear of medical bankruptcy” seems like a less-than-inspiring campaign slogan.
Oh, and in the midst of processing all the senseless suffering the AHCA would inflict on countless millions, it can easy to forget that the whole thing is being done simply to give a massive tax to the wealthiest people in the country. Don’t.
Also, we discovered Michigan Governor Rick Snyder’s entry for this evening’s Sadism Pagent. See, Rickie decided to cut off the subsidies for the Flint residents who were having trouble paying their monthly water-but-it’s-actually-poison bills, and so there are a bunch of families who’re having their homes foreclosed on because they fell behind on paying for the lead-ridden sludge that will fuck up their children’s entire lives, but don’t worry, that’s a pre-existing condition so you’ll go into a high-risk pool and you’ll get a free lollipop to go with the brief, pain-filled life your Republican government gave you so that it could save a few bucks by not making sure your water wasn’t poison. YAY CONSERVATISM.
Meanwhile, we learned that our Marmalade Shartcannon President, who can’t be bothered to learn the contents of the bills he’s trying to pass, became personally involved in the quest to hunt down the modern day Benedict Arnold who tweeted the dastardly state secret that the Shart’s inauguration wasn’t as well-attended as that of his predecessor, duh, because we all fucking hate him so very very much.
Speaking of things the Idiot Manchild doesn’t know, he gave a little a TED talk about how easy it’ll be to work out an Israel/Palestine peace deal, because I guess nobody tried real hard before. But fear not, he’s outsourcing it to his son-in-law, because Jared was able to do the one thing Donnie Darko has always wanted to do but hasn’t been able to (NUDGE NUDGE FUCK IVANKA) so he must be the greatest dealmaker of all time.
After barely pulling off the fucking Easter Egg Roll, the Shart House has decided it needs a golf break, and so it canceled the annual Cinco de Mayo celebration in favor of lurking around courthouses waiting for undocumented immigrants to report domestic violence.
Dr. Ben Carson popped up to talk about the Most Lamentable Tragedie that people who live in public housing may occasionally enjoy a passing minute or two during their lives, and aren’t regularly flogged for their sins, because it was Cruelty Day, and Dr. Ben is a company man.
Sleepwalking Skeksi Rex Tillerson held a meeting trying to boost morale at the State Department in the wake of the news that he’s planning to trim 2,300 employees from our diplomatic corps without understanding fuckall about what any of them do. I’m told it didn’t go well.
Unwilling to be outdone by all them fancy Washington elites, the grassroots got in on the cruelty action, as a Mississippi funeral home decided not to honor an agreement to cremate a dead fellah cuz the dead fellah liked kissing other fellahs when he was a not-dead fellah, because after all Jesus spends most of the Bible talking about how God mostly wants us to be dicks to people who are grieving.
We also got the news that the Justice Department, led by the President’s Loyal Huntin’ Dawg, Beauregard, has declined to prosecute the officers involved in the Alton Sterling shooting, because everybody knows there ain’t nuthin’ atawl illeguhl about shootin’ a fellah who’s bein’ restrained by a couple of law enforcement officers, if’n the fellah happens to be a colored fellah.
Besides, the Justice Department has their hands full prosecuting 61-year-old women for the High Crime of laughing at ol’ Beauregard.
Ok, you got me, that one’s too ridiculous, too over-the-top, too Villain-in-an-Alan-Moore-comic to possibly be- wait, what? That was REAL LIFE ARE YOU FUCKING SHITTING ME?
NOPE! Jeff Sessions used his position as our nation’s chief law enforcement officer to bring the hammer down on a protester who laughed when somebody suggested that ol’ Beauregard had a history of treating of all Americans fairly, which is objectively laughable since Jeff was previously found to be Too Racist For the 80’s. Anyway, the protester was convicted (along with two others) and faces a fine and up to a year in jail, which is a totally normal thing that happens all the time in America, RIGHT?
There was a whole thing with James Comey, too, God fuck him eternally with a potato masher. I guess he said he gets a tummy-ache when he thinks about his role in turning the keys of government over to band of blisteringly incompetent white supremacist assclowns. POOR JIMMY.
…shit be cray.