Mike Pence is the Patron Saint of Mediocre White Dudes, and the Roman God of Failing Upwards.
A Democrat in his youth, Pence, like many men of limited intelligence, turned to religious conservatism for the convenience of being able to end arguments by claiming God shares his every fear and prejudice, while forgiving his every shortcoming, how convenient.
Secretary of State
Over the course of three decades, Rex Tillerson fucked, bribed, and murdered his way to the top of Exxon Mobil, like some sort of jowlsy Eva Peron.
Secretary of the Treasury
Steve Mnuchin, like his namesake, the Noise You Make When You’re Dry Heaving After Getting Food Poisoning From Eating Truck Stop Gas Station Roller Hot Pockets on a Road Trip, is deeply unpleasant, and may result in the involuntary voiding of foul-smelling bodily fluids.
Secretary of Defense
Chief of Staff
National Security Advisor
Holy shit, there are Generals all over the place these days, aren’t there?
Retired General James Mattis serves as Secretary of Defense. Retired General John Kelly ran Homeland Security for a bit, before becoming the Lead Executive Branch Babysitter, excuse me, Chief of Staff. H.R. McMaster’s the National Security Advisor, and hell, he’s still on active duty.
Jefferson Beauregard Sessions, third generation of his family to carry the name of a Confedarate piece of trash and also a second Confederate piece of trash, is living his dream. As Velveeta Goebbels’ Attorney General, he’s turning back the clock to a time when women and minorities knew their place, and mediocre white dudes like himself got to run everything, even if they weren’t especially bright.
Ryan Zinke is like if the crappiest robot in Westworld escaped and jumped into conservative politics. He’s such a cartoon cowboy, I bet his right boot says “Andy” on the bottom.
Secretary of Commerce
When a witch’s curse transformed his master into a Beast and his fellow servants into household objects, Wilbur Ross became a decorative garden gnome. Unlike the rest of his compatriots, he ventured out into the world to make his fortune in the realm of shady international finance and money laundering, and when True Love’s Kiss lifted the curse, Wilbur was too far away for the enchantment to reverse, and thus he remains trapped in gnome form forever.
Secretary of Health and Human Services
If the Hippocratic Oath is binding in any sort of spiritual sense, Tom Price is royally fucked, y’all. There is some straight Dante shit awaitin’ him in the afterlife.
Secretary of Housing and Urban Development
Dr. Ben Carson is only in politics because he was rude President Obama to his face. At the 2013 National Prayer Breakfast, a traditionally non-political event, Dr. Ben, having been invited as the keynote speaker, decided to use his time to shit on the President and his policies.
Secretary of Education
Betsy DeVos is what happens when bored white ladies have enough money to really fuck shit up. Turns out, if you’re born rich and marry richer, you don’t have to settle for a book club, you can buy yourself a whole cabinet department!
Administrator of the EPA
Scott Pruitt, like a lot of boys his age, grew up watching Captain Planet cartoons. Unlike most boys his age, he decided that the various sludge-smog-and-toxic-waste-slinging villains were the role models for him.
Ok, fine. Pruitt is ten years too old to have grown up on Captain Planet, but fuck you, that’s a good opening paragraph. Make your own fucking website, you don’t like it.
Chief of Staff
Nobody wants to be Reince Priebus when they grow up. He’s just so immediately recognizable as a weaselly little tapeworm of a man, y’know?
Reince Priebus is the sort of person who would be played by Brad Dourif in a film.
Steve Bannon played Bob Ewell in a high school production of To Kill a Mockingbird, and liked it so much he decided to stay in the character for the rest of his life.
A self-described Leninist, and an outspoken populist*, Bannon wants to kidney-punch the administrative state, give it a wedgie, and steal its lunch money.
Jared Kushner was born on third base and thinks he invented baseball.
Jared’s dad, Charles Kushner, went to jail for tax evasion, illegal campaign donations, and, ahem, “witness tampering,” by which I mean he set his brother-in-law up with a hooker (not, I’m sad to report, of the Pissing Russian variety) and recorded their genital-smushing in order to blackmail him.
When you worked for Akin, things weren’t simple
Cuz he got caught on tape
With legitimate rape
Senior Advisor for Policy
Why is it always the shittiest imaginable white dudes who turn out to be white supremacists?
Stephen Miller, who started balding eleven seconds after his conception, has by all accounts been a sack of monkey shit pretty much every single minute of his life.
Director of Communications
Oh wow, this new Communications Director looks like a real character, huh?
Where to begin? Ok, Anthony Scaramucci first came to –
Wait, what? Really?
White Supremacist Multi-Tool
Kris Kobach is like the protagonist of the white supremacist version of one of those Disney movies where a kid learns to chase his dreams, no matter how big. The kid gets tired of the monotonous grind of burning crosses on just one lawn at a time, and dreams of burning a cross big enough for the whole dang country!
Maybe he has a talking/singing Confederate flag for a sidekick. Named “Bedford.”
Roving Freelance Fascist
As seen in the famed documentary RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK, when the Ark of the Covenant was opened on an uncharted island north of Crete, the burning light that issued thereof reduced the Nazi soldiers present to piles of ash and molten flesh. In time, the rains washed the fascist bio-goo into the island’s sewage system, where it mixed with the shit and piss and used tampons and such, and in time it congealed, took the shape of a man (albeit an unattractive one), slapped on a pair of glasses, and Sebastian Gorka was formed.
Speaker of the House
Paul Ryan was cloned from a single pubic hair plucked from Ayn Rand post-coitus and grown in a still in Charles Koch’s back yard.
Senate Majority Leader
Many years ago, Gamera was following the Grateful Dead on tour, and engaged in a brief-but-life-affirming affair with an Ohio River ‘gator that hung around Ma McConnell’s pig farm, picking off runts for sustenance. Nine months later, young Mitch emerged from a leathery egg, and devoured his fellow hatchlings, beginning his life-long love affair with hurting children.
Hans Christian Andersen’s Classic Tale, “Chuck Todd & the Normalization Fairy™️”
Y’know, we went into this presidency with expectations somewhere between “incessant shitstorm” and “the end of all human civilization,” but sometimes I still can’t fathom how we arrived at the monstrosity of this moment. But then I realized, we’ve been receiving regular visits from the Normalization Fairy™️!
The Normalization Fairy™️ transforms the abominable into the everyday, through the simple act of repetition. You see something horrific in the news, and scream “How the living fuck can we allow this to happen?!?” and then a month later it’s still happening but somehow there’s a new episode of The Bachelorette every week, so I guess we’ve figured out how to live with it. That’s the Magic of Normalization!
(Some will claim I’m ripping off Paul Krugman’s “Confidence Fairy” bit, and to those who do, I say you’re goddamn right I am.)
For example, not an hour after the last rant went up (I don’t do updates; the bathrobe-and-lucha-mask-wearing drunkard’s union forbids it.) we learned that Hairplug Himmler waddled riiiiight up to the line of bombing Iran (probably to get John McCain’s ghost to stop haunting him), only to back down at seemingly the last possible instant, and we all went “Oh, that wacky Dotard, he just can’t make up his silly ol’ mind,” rather than “HOLY FUCKBALLS, A DANGEROUSLY MISINFORMED NITWIT VERY NEARLY LAUNCHED ANOTHER FUCKING MIDDLE EAST WAR, A QUAGMIRE GUARANTEED TO DEVOUR BILLIONS OF DOLLARS AND THOUSANDS OF LIVES!”
This, my friends, is the Normalization Fairy™️ at work. Reckless, nonsensical, ever-shifting, often-contradictory, foreign policy? That’s just how shit works nowadays, gosh I hope he doesn’t nuke Tehran HAW HAW HAW but seriously, he’s not gonna do that…right?
Anyway, one of the great things about living in this batshit day and age is realizing all those simple fables you were heard as a child do in fact contain real, applicable, wisdom. The Boy Who Cried Wolf? TOTALLY REAL. There are so damn many conflicting accounts of the almost-but-not-quite Iran strike, from the Pentagon, from anonymous sources, from the Shart House, from Iran, that we have NO FUCKING IDEA what really went down, or why. But you instinctively ruled out President Ostomy Bag’s version, didn’t you? Because he’s a lying liar who lies. There’s a lot of room for fuckery in a scenario where the American people don’t trust their own President, even in matters of war, and let’s hope no wolves figure out the specifics before the flock gets to elect a new shepherd.
We keep learning more about the horrors of the Trump Concentration Camps, seemingly every hour. While I’ve literally lost track of the articles documenting the barbaric conditions in these hellholes, the Republican Party remains laser focused on the real problem; the shameful incivility of applying the (1000% accurate) “concentration camp” label to the MOTHERFUCKING CONCENTRATION CAMPS.
Nifty little Super Villain Team-Up going down in Oregon, with the state-level GOP adapting to their massive failures at the ballot box by partnering with heavily-armed domestic terrorists! I tell you what, ever since James Cameron took over the Bundy Ranch franchise, everything’s gone to shit. And friends, if our new pixie pal works her magic here, what will have is fascism. Right-wing governance at the point of a gun. Normalize at your own risk.
Did you hear about E. Jean Carroll? You may not have. You probably never imagined you’d live in a world where a woman offering a credible, supported, story of her rape by the sitting President of the United States doesn’t rate as front page news, but you do. “Ho-hum, how many is that now? Yes, of course he probably did it. No, he won’t face any consequences whatsoever, and not one single evangelical ‘Christian,’ from the dingiest Appalachian diner to the floor of the United States Senate, will abandon him for it.”
Even when the Adderall-Addled Assclown’s desperate claim that he never met Carroll was actually preemptively debunked by a photograph in the original article, the story barely registered. The Normalization Fairy™️ isn’t a “good” fairy, in case that was unclear.
(Demented little follow-up to this story; I guess a Trump-supporting executive over at the New York
Murdoch Rag, excuse me, “Post” ordered the removal of multiple stories covering Carroll’s allegations from their website! Somebody’s been reading Orwell for Dummies!)
Another story the Normalization Fairy™️ mischievously buried was the bit where Baron Golfin von Fatfuk petulantly threatened a reporter from Time Magazine with prison time, mid-interview. Just casually. Hey, it’s just how he talks. No big deal. It’s, like, his catchphrase. “I will use the power of the state to crush all dissent, to punish any pushback, however slight.” Cue laugh track. Roll credits.
And Sharty McFly had so much fun backing down from his threatened attack on Iran, he backed down on his threatened massive weekend immigration raids, too. Never have I been so grateful for the trembling cowardice at the heart of all his braying bullying.
But of course now the Grifter Grand Wizard is falling back on his favorite political tactic: hostage-taking! “If Democrats don’t agree to remake the immigration system to match the one Stephen Miller sketched out in 8th grade in his fanfic sequel to the Turner Diaries, I’ll resume my cruel, despised, raids, and that will be all Democrats’ fault!” Amazing. Old bastard’s unfit for the presidency for God knows how many reasons, but “inability to learn from repeatedly making the exact same mistake” should be way up there on that list.
Again, it’s this bizarre combination of Chief-Wiggum-esque bumbling, and raw evil. On the one hand, you have a cud-brained dolt, smugly deploying a strategy that has blown up in his face repeatedly, which is pretty fucking funny…on the other, the President of the United States is saying SUBMIT TO ME COMPLETELY OR I WILL CONTINUE TORTURING CHILDREN, SOME OF THEM TO DEATH.
A federal judge unsealed a treasure trove of text messages between Paul Manafort and Sean Hannity, granting enthralling insight into the bromance that blossomed between two of America’s leading shitmaggots, as they worked to destroy the rule of law for fun n’ profit.
And here’s the Normalization Fairy™️ once more, to sprinkle some pixie dust on the Cruel Litter Box of Objective Reality she’s about to rub our noses in: these texts, which conclusively prove Hannity colluded with a multiple felon in order to deceive his viewers on behalf of the criminal cabal squatting in our White House, will not lead ONE brainwashed Fux drone to question their estimation of him as the lone beacon of truth in a sea of “fake news.”
Now a word from our sponsor, Folgers!
“We’ve replaced Chuck Todd with a stuffed muskrat doll that goes, ‘Whatever you say, Mr. President!’ whenever you pull its string; let’s see if America can tell the difference!*”
In a world with a genuinely urgent need for brave, professional, journalists to speak truth to power, Chuck Todd aspires to no greater heights than “giving power a brief, ineffective, shoulder massage. If I may amend a famous phrase, ever so slightly, “When fascism comes to America, it will be wrapped in the flag and carrying the cross, and Chuck Freaking Todd will hold the door open for it, and ask it if it would like a Diet Coke.”
Anyway, Chuck-O gave America one helluvan interview, if your tastes in journalism run to the sycophantically humiliating. President Gas Station Urinal Cake repeated his long-ago-disproven lies about how he wasn’t responsible for his own family separation policy, that was all Obama in a Donald Trump mask. And how many Americans, with lives too full to follow the news closely, watched that segment, and assumed, because Todd made no correction, that this horseshit spin was the objective truth?
Additionally, Fat Q*Bert, whose track record since assuming office is like What if the Cleveland Browns Had a Meth Problem, says his “biggest mistake” was appointing Jefferson Beauregard Sessions Th’Third as his first Attorney General. Because it led to the Mueller investigation, you see. The one that uncovered all those felonies. Yes, including the coordinated conspiracy of a hostile foreign power to attack our nation.
(By the way, yes, Chucky really asked THIS President at THIS moment in time what he would do if he could have “one do-over.” It’s just a shame we didn’t have time to find out who Fuckhead’s favorite Spice Girl is.)
We’re still not done with this fucking interview, by the way. Wouldn’t want to skip over the latest episode of The Most Powerful Man in the World Cravenly Kisses Murderous Autocrat Mohammad Bin Salman Al Saud’s Ass, would we?
Watching our President scrape and bow to such a cheap thug, ever eager to sell out the values that made America the greatest nation in the history of the world for the equivalent of the change in MBS’ sofa, makes me want to find the precise global pinpoint I’d need to stand on so that when I projectile vomit enough H.R. Giger-Xenomorph-style acid to burn through the entire planet, it winds up melting Shart-O’s tacky-ass gold toilet when it finally comes out on the other side.
…the Normalization Fairy™️is dating Chuck Todd, did I mention that?
Contrast Todd’s Would You Like a Breath Mint While You Use My Platform to Lie to the American People, Sir? debacle with Jake Tapper’s interview of Vice President Mike Pants. Watching it, you’d almost think Tapper was engaged in an elaborate piece of performance art designed specifically to shame Chuck, but then you realize “no, he’s just demonstrating fairly rudimentary, honest, journalism.”
See, Mikey Hairshirt told some lies, about stuff like pollution and asylum seekers, and rather than offering him a spotlight and a megaphone, Jake called him out on his bullshit. Admittedly, Tapper didn’t swear as much as I would have, or, y’know, kick the skeevy little creep square in the junk like he deserves, but I’ll overlook all that in light of the segment where he made the Pusillanimous Puritan squirm trying to reconcile his loudly-professed-but-seldom-actually-followed Christian beliefs with the concentration camps full of children his administration is running.
While we’re on the subject, to any historians in the far-flung future who may be reading this, kindly note that when the chips were down, Pious Pencey-Poo chose torturing children over the teachings of Christ, without a nanosecond’s hesitation or a thimbleful of regret. In fact, if that’s not on his tombstone, fix that shit right now.
In sports, the world champion Toronto Raptors announced they will not be visiting the Shart House, possibly because they don’t wish to consume stale fast food in the presence of a slovenly fascist.
A new romantic comedy, Blocking Annie Donaldson, starring Katherine Heigl, will tell the tale of a former White House attorney, and the lawless federal government trying to prevent her from testifying before the House Judiciary Committee in the name of “absolute immunity,” which, like “presidential harassment,” and “John Barron,” is not a real thing. They haven’t worked out the ending yet, it’s either gonna be the tearful airport reunion between America and the Rule of Law, or the death of democracy. We’ll see how the test screenings go.
Team Treasonweasel is similarly blocking Kellyanne Conway from testifying about the Hatch Act violations she collects like fucking Pokémon. Wonder if she can find a willing militia to back her up on this one.
Axios got ahold of a bunch of the Tangelo-Tinted Taint Tumor’s Transition Team’s vetting documents (a handful of soggy Burger King napkins, no doubt), revealing that they fully understood the goons they were screening for Cabinet-level gigs were basically a great big flock of rectums…but they hired them anyway.
There was an entirely understandable red flag on General David Patraeus, who, after all, leaked classified intelligence to the woman he was cheating on his wife with, because after months of leading your frothy hordes in maniacal LOCK HER UP chants, you couldn’t very well hire a dude who indisputably and admittedly committed greater crimes that Hillary Clinton was ever accused of. JUST KIDDING the “red flag” was because Davey Boy opposes torture.
Anyway, just a quick heads-up, anyone who is willing to accept a post aboard the Good Ship Treasonweasel? That’s your red flag. ANYBODY who would agree to work for such a malicious, subpar, grievance-driven, anti-intellectual, hate-filled, scrotal boil as you, Mr. Trump, sir, is utterly unqualified for whatever post you might have in mind, from Secretary of State down to whoever launders the Vice President’s hairshirt.
I see former Shart Campaign advisor Jason Miller lost his job over a juvenile Twitter rant directed at Jerry Nadler, and hang on, I’m confused, are consequences still a thing or not?
I gotta ask you, folks…Are you ready to move to SESTAKISTAN? Because there’s a brand new presidential candidate in town, and he’s absolutely SESTAKULAR! Get ready, America, because he’s the LAST SESTAKTION HERO and oh god please make it stop please please please tie up all the old white guys who aren’t running for President already before they get any ideas please please please.
Hey, if anybody isn’t thoroughly revolted by day’s news yet, your Commander-in-Chief thinks he can deflect rape allegations by saying “she’s not my type.” Did I mention this man’s political base is comprised almost entirely of the performatively religious?
Well, that’s all the shit that’s fit to wade through tonight, folks. Just a heads up, I won’t be posting this Thursday cuz I’ll be watching the SUSPICIOUSLY SESTAKLESS Democratic primary debate (and it sure would be nice to have some beer to drink while I watch, HINT HINT) instead. I’ll check in with y’all on Friday.
*Yeah, I use the Folgers joke too much. You don’t like it, write your own fucking blog.