Shower Cap

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It’s fascinating. Failed at health care. Failed with North Korea. Failed on immigration. Failed government shutdown. Countless failed Cabinet officials. Massive failure in the midterms.

And he still sees himself as “successful.” https://t.co/XUSssTVXD2



It’s been about a week since the last E-War plan.

You prolly thought she ran out.

Nah. https://t.co/as65aDpK4i

NUMBER TWO

NUMBER TWO

Vice-President

Mike Pence is the Patron Saint of Mediocre White Dudes, and the Roman God of Failing Upwards.

A Democrat in his youth, Pence, like many men of limited intelligence, turned to religious conservatism for the convenience of being able to end arguments by claiming God shares his every fear and prejudice, while forgiving his every shortcoming, how convenient.

UNSEXY REXY

UNSEXY REXY

Secretary of State

Over the course of three decades, Rex Tillerson fucked, bribed, and murdered his way to the top of Exxon Mobil, like some sort of jowlsy Eva Peron.

MNUCHBAG

MNUCHBAG

Secretary of the Treasury

Steve Mnuchin, like his namesake, the Noise You Make When You’re Dry Heaving After Getting Food Poisoning From Eating Truck Stop Gas Station Roller Hot Pockets on a Road Trip, is deeply unpleasant, and may result in the involuntary voiding of foul-smelling bodily fluids.

THE GENERALS

THE GENERALS

Secretary of Defense
Chief of Staff
National Security Advisor

Holy shit, there are Generals all over the place these days, aren’t there?

Retired General James Mattis serves as Secretary of Defense. Retired General John Kelly ran Homeland Security for a bit, before becoming the Lead Executive Branch Babysitter, excuse me, Chief of Staff. H.R. McMaster’s the National Security Advisor, and hell, he’s still on active duty.

OL’ BEAUREGARD The President's Loyal Huntin' Dawg

OL’ BEAUREGARD The President's Loyal Huntin' Dawg

Attorney General

Jefferson Beauregard Sessions, third generation of his family to carry the name of a Confedarate piece of trash and also a second Confederate piece of trash, is living his dream. As Velveeta Goebbels’ Attorney General, he’s turning back the clock to a time when women and minorities knew their place, and mediocre white dudes like himself got to run everything, even if they weren’t especially bright.

ZINKE BOOTZ

ZINKE BOOTZ

Ryan Zinke is like if the crappiest robot in Westworld escaped and jumped into conservative politics. He’s such a cartoon cowboy, I bet his right boot says “Andy” on the bottom.

WIL-BUR, THE GNOME KING

WIL-BUR, THE GNOME KING

Secretary of Commerce

When a witch’s curse transformed his master into a Beast and his fellow servants into household objects, Wilbur Ross became a decorative garden gnome. Unlike the rest of his compatriots, he ventured out into the world to make his fortune in the realm of shady international finance and money laundering, and when True Love’s Kiss lifted the curse, Wilbur was too far away for the enchantment to reverse, and thus he remains trapped in gnome form forever.

PLAGUEMASTER T

PLAGUEMASTER T

Secretary of Health and Human Services

If the Hippocratic Oath is binding in any sort of spiritual sense, Tom Price is royally fucked, y’all. There is some straight Dante shit awaitin’ him in the afterlife.

DOCTOR NAPTIME

DOCTOR NAPTIME

Secretary of Housing and Urban Development

Dr. Ben Carson is only in politics because he was rude President Obama to his face. At the 2013 National Prayer Breakfast, a traditionally non-political event, Dr. Ben, having been invited as the keynote speaker, decided to use his time to shit on the President and his policies.

THE DEVOSTATOR

THE DEVOSTATOR

Secretary of Education

Betsy DeVos is what happens when bored white ladies have enough money to really fuck shit up. Turns out, if you’re born rich and marry richer, you don’t have to settle for a book club, you can buy yourself a whole cabinet department!

SCOTTY 2 HAUGHTY

SCOTTY 2 HAUGHTY

Administrator of the EPA

Scott Pruitt, like a lot of boys his age, grew up watching Captain Planet cartoons. Unlike most boys his age, he decided that the various sludge-smog-and-toxic-waste-slinging villains were the role models for him.

Ok, fine. Pruitt is ten years too old to have grown up on Captain Planet, but fuck you, that’s a good opening paragraph. Make your own fucking website, you don’t like it.

PUBIS

PUBIS

Chief of Staff

Nobody wants to be Reince Priebus when they grow up. He’s just so immediately recognizable as a weaselly little tapeworm of a man, y’know?

Reince Priebus is the sort of person who would be played by Brad Dourif in a film.

DARTH WINO

DARTH WINO

Chief Strategist

Steve Bannon played Bob Ewell in a high school production of To Kill a Mockingbird, and liked it so much he decided to stay in the character for the rest of his life.

A self-described Leninist, and an outspoken populist*, Bannon wants to kidney-punch the administrative state, give it a wedgie, and steal its lunch money.

JAR-JAR

JAR-JAR

Senior Advisor/Son-in-Law

Jared Kushner was born on third base and thinks he invented baseball.

Jared’s dad, Charles Kushner, went to jail for tax evasion, illegal campaign donations, and, ahem, “witness tampering,” by which I mean he set his brother-in-law up with a hooker (not, I’m sad to report, of the Pissing Russian variety) and recorded their genital-smushing in order to blackmail him.

HEY, KELLYANNE!

HEY, KELLYANNE!

Senior Counsel

Hey, Kellyaaaaaaaaaaaanne!
Hey, Kellyaaaaaaaaaaaanne!

When you worked for Akin, things weren’t simple
Cuz he got caught on tape
With legitimate rape

4-HEDD THE SHITTY WHITE GUY FROM BEYOND THE STARS

4-HEDD THE SHITTY WHITE GUY FROM BEYOND THE STARS

Senior Advisor for Policy

Why is it always the shittiest imaginable white dudes who turn out to be white supremacists?

Stephen Miller, who started balding eleven seconds after his conception, has by all accounts been a sack of monkey shit pretty much every single minute of his life.

THE MOOCH

THE MOOCH

Director of Communications

Oh wow, this new Communications Director looks like a real character, huh?

Where to begin? Ok, Anthony Scaramucci first came to –

Wait, what? Really?

KKKRIS KKKOBACH

KKKRIS KKKOBACH

White Supremacist Multi-Tool

Kris Kobach is like the protagonist of the white supremacist version of one of those Disney movies where a kid learns to chase his dreams, no matter how big. The kid gets tired of the monotonous grind of burning crosses on just one lawn at a time, and dreams of burning a cross big enough for the whole dang country!

Maybe he has a talking/singing Confederate flag for a sidekick. Named “Bedford.”

“DOC” GORKA

“DOC” GORKA

Roving Freelance Fascist

As seen in the famed documentary RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK, when the Ark of the Covenant was opened on an uncharted island north of Crete, the burning light that issued thereof reduced the Nazi soldiers present to piles of ash and molten flesh. In time, the rains washed the fascist bio-goo into the island’s sewage system, where it mixed with the shit and piss and used tampons and such, and in time it congealed, took the shape of a man (albeit an unattractive one), slapped on a pair of glasses, and Sebastian Gorka was formed.

ATLAS CRAPPED

ATLAS CRAPPED

Speaker of the House

Paul Ryan was cloned from a single pubic hair plucked from Ayn Rand post-coitus and grown in a still in Charles Koch’s back yard.

YERTLE

YERTLE

Senate Majority Leader

Many years ago, Gamera was following the Grateful Dead on tour, and engaged in a brief-but-life-affirming affair with an Ohio River ‘gator that hung around Ma McConnell’s pig farm, picking off runts for sustenance. Nine months later, young Mitch emerged from a leathery egg, and devoured his fellow hatchlings, beginning his life-long love affair with hurting children.

Let Us Now Contemplate the Noble Herpes Oyster, and Also How Fucked Manafort Is

Monday, September 18th, 2017

Hey folks. Is shit still cray? I mean, the roof of my place might be sagging under the weight of all the bat guano, but it hasn’t caved in…yet.

Sunday was pretty quiet. I mean, the President of the United States sent out a tweet that advocated violence against women, as well as violence against his political opponent (he’s a multi-tasker, that Marmalade Shartcannon!), but does that even count as newsworthy anymore?

Oh look! Sean Spicer got to go to Emmys and make a little jokey joke and rub elbows with celebrities HAW HAW HAW ISN’T IT FUN? HE WAS THE CHIEF PROPAGANDA MINISTER FOR A REGIME THAT WAGES WAR ON REALITY AND ASSAULTS THE PILLARS OF AMERICAN DEMOCRACY, IT’S FUNNY BECAUSE HE’S A TRAITOR TO HIS NATION AND WILL NEVER FACE ANY CONSEQUENCES BEYOND ACCUMULATING WEALTH HAW HAW HAW.

The Failing New York Times told us that a couple of Sharty McFly’s lawyers went out for lunch at a steakhouse frequented by reporters (and actually down the street from NYT’s office) and screamed their heads off about a bunch of shit they shouldn’t have been talking about IN A RESTAURANT WHERE REPORTERS HANG OUT, because The Best People. Anyway, the lawyers are fighting, and the lawyers all have lawyers of their own, and everybody’s paranoid as fuck. They’re worried they’re being spied on by rivals, that folks might be wearing wires for Mueller…shit, maybe these fucks’ll end up Reservoir Dogsing each other, and we won’t even have to impeach ’em.

Oh, we’re sending 3,000 more troops to Afghanistan. I’ll bet that takes care of everything. After 16 years, all the blood and treasure needlessly pissed away, 3,000 more troops clears the whole boondoggle up, probably. Whew!

While we spend most of our time focusing on the rot at the federal level here, let’s not lose sight of the grassroots dirtbags working to Make America Shitty. Didja hear about the weaselly, dickless kid who tried to get an undocumented classmate kicked out of the country? Well, turns out he’s been booted from his college instead, because justice isn’t completely dead yet. And hey, Taylor Ragg…have fun with the rest of your life, where your reprehensible fuckery will always be a short google search away!

Well, you’re probably hearing a lot about “Graham-Cassidy” these days. Regrettably I must inform you that this is NOT the name of a folk rock band, and even if it were, they’d have songs like “Our House (Is a Very Very Very Fine House But We Lost It in a Medical Bankruptcy When Mom Got Sick)” and “Teach Your Children Well Unless They Have Preexisting Conditions in Which Case It’s Probably Best Not to Get Too Attached.”

No, it’s the title of the latest GOP attempt to sneak their Mass Murder of the American Poor Bill through in the dead of night. Anyway, we gotta get on the phones and sink this shit one more time, Resisters. We must not allow Graham-Cassidy to become Graham, Cassidy, Murkowski & McCain, some sort of life-support-machine-unplugging supergroup.

There won’t be time for a full CBO score before the reconciliation clock runs out at the end of the month, and there’s literally only 90 seconds of debate time left. But the Republican Party is just so dang DEDICATED to shortening the lives of the Taker Classes. “You had me at ‘Dead Kids'” said Ron Johnson, tearfully gazing into Lindsey Graham’s eyes.

Guess what, kids? Now YOU can finance your very own traitor! Yes, General Mike Flynn, America’s favorite undisclosed foreign agent, has started up a crowd funded legal defense site! Maybe he can get Sally Struthers to cut a weepy commercial for him…”Do you want to make more money selling access to a know-nothing President? Sure, we all do!”

It’s been awhile since we’ve heard from Bill at the Abject Horror Desk. Bill! Have you got anything for us tonight?

Bill at the Abject Horror Desk: Oh holy fuck do I ever.

That’s never good news. Fine. Stomp on the tattered remains of our souls, Bill.

Bill at the Abject Horror Desk: Well, you know about the protests in St. Louis, of course. Another acquittal for another law enforcement officer who killed a black man and seems to have planted evidence on him after the fact.

Oh, you’re gonna talk about that old woman the police knocked down at the protest, right?

Bill at the Abject Horror Desk: Yeah, that was really fucking awful, wasn’t it? What if I told you that wasn’t the worst thing St. Louis law enforcement did, Cap?

…shit, Bill. I don’t know if –

Bill at the Abject Horror Desk: No no, let us stare into the Abyss together. Turns out, while some police were arresting some protesters, they decided to co-opt a protester chant. “Whose streets? OUR STREETS!” Got that? The world doesn’t belong to the people, but to the cops in riot gear. SLEEP TIGHT!

Jesus Fuck, Bill. That’s some dark shit.

Bill at the Abject Horror Desk: Sure is, Cap. Makes your blood run cold.

Ok, well, before my soul shrivels completely away and runs screaming into the night, I need something to laugh at, STAT. Fortunately I have the worst political ad in history to pep me up. Thanks, Dan Helmer, for the desperately-needed laugh.

President Obama’s tenure in office was marked by steady job growth. That’s slowing down a bit, but don’t worry, America! What we lose in employment we’re more than making up for…in hate crimes! Yessir, the hate crime index is getting a real “Trump Bump,” with a 5% increase nationwide from 2015 to 2016, and many cities seeing even steeper “gains,” led by Washington D.C.’s 62% increase. And we’re off to a red-hot start in 2017, thanks to the wildly successful Make America Hate Again campaign.

Don Jong-un REALLY REALLY wants to preside over a procession of tanks down Pennsylvania Avenue, even though that’d most likely make the Lincoln Memorial stand up, walk over to the White House and stomp on his (inadequate) crotch. I wonder if Sheriff Dave’ll let Donnie borrow his uniform so he can really cosplay the shit out of the third world dictator he wishes he were.

Too-Ridiculously-Hateful-to-be-a-Credible-Fictional-Character-Yet-Somehow-Alabama-Senate-Frontrunner Roy Moore lamented the conflicts between the “reds and yellows,” proving that it’s still possible to be shockingly racist even in the context of our ever-plummeting Drumpf-era standards.

Seriously. “Reds and yellows?” Holy fuck. Who’s Bannon gonna recruit to primary Roger Wicker in Mississippi, the burning ghost of Nathan Bedford Forrest?

Hey, if you’re having a shit day, at least be thankful that you’re not Paul Manafort.

CNN tells us Paulie Ukraine was subject to FISA-court-approved wiretapping both before and after the election, and that Orange Julius Caesar stayed in contact with Manafort until his lawyers finally got through to him on what a dumbfuck thing to do that was.

And NYT told us that Rugged Robert Mueller threatened the former Shart Campaign Chair with indictment after raiding his home a few weeks back, cuz Mueller’s into all that Untouchables shit.

(The Washington Post was totally jealous not to have their own Manafort scoop to break, so my sources tell me they’re working on a story about how he sometimes steals his neighbor’s Amazon packages if they look like they might be something cool like a socket wrench set or a Big Wheel.)

Anyway, Our Madame Hilldawg was shootin’ the shit with Terry Gross, and kept the door open to raising some sort of unspecified hell about the election once the indictments start flying, because she is a goddamn warrior with nary a fuck left to give.

And now lil’ Shart, Jr is canceling his Secret Service protection, because it sure is annoying having law enforcement around all the time when you’ve got laws to break and collusion to cover up, AMIRITE? (That Secret Service officers can be compelled to testify under oath has nothing to do with this decision, I’m sure.)

Anyway, there’s ANOTHER Cat 5 hurricane raging through the Caribbean, and I’m sure it’s about to dump a shit ton of herpes oysters on all of us. It’ll be just like MAGNOLIA. Only instead of frogs, it’ll be oysters.

Oysters with herpes.

 

Shower Cap

Sign Up for My Updates!



It’s fascinating. Failed at health care. Failed with North Korea. Failed on immigration. Failed government shutdown. Countless failed Cabinet officials. Massive failure in the midterms.

And he still sees himself as “successful.” https://t.co/XUSssTVXD2



It’s been about a week since the last E-War plan.

You prolly thought she ran out.

Nah. https://t.co/as65aDpK4i

NUMBER TWO

NUMBER TWO

Vice-President

Mike Pence is the Patron Saint of Mediocre White Dudes, and the Roman God of Failing Upwards.

A Democrat in his youth, Pence, like many men of limited intelligence, turned to religious conservatism for the convenience of being able to end arguments by claiming God shares his every fear and prejudice, while forgiving his every shortcoming, how convenient.

UNSEXY REXY

UNSEXY REXY

Secretary of State

Over the course of three decades, Rex Tillerson fucked, bribed, and murdered his way to the top of Exxon Mobil, like some sort of jowlsy Eva Peron.

MNUCHBAG

MNUCHBAG

Secretary of the Treasury

Steve Mnuchin, like his namesake, the Noise You Make When You’re Dry Heaving After Getting Food Poisoning From Eating Truck Stop Gas Station Roller Hot Pockets on a Road Trip, is deeply unpleasant, and may result in the involuntary voiding of foul-smelling bodily fluids.

THE GENERALS

THE GENERALS

Secretary of Defense
Chief of Staff
National Security Advisor

Holy shit, there are Generals all over the place these days, aren’t there?

Retired General James Mattis serves as Secretary of Defense. Retired General John Kelly ran Homeland Security for a bit, before becoming the Lead Executive Branch Babysitter, excuse me, Chief of Staff. H.R. McMaster’s the National Security Advisor, and hell, he’s still on active duty.

OL’ BEAUREGARD The President's Loyal Huntin' Dawg

OL’ BEAUREGARD The President's Loyal Huntin' Dawg

Attorney General

Jefferson Beauregard Sessions, third generation of his family to carry the name of a Confedarate piece of trash and also a second Confederate piece of trash, is living his dream. As Velveeta Goebbels’ Attorney General, he’s turning back the clock to a time when women and minorities knew their place, and mediocre white dudes like himself got to run everything, even if they weren’t especially bright.

ZINKE BOOTZ

ZINKE BOOTZ

Ryan Zinke is like if the crappiest robot in Westworld escaped and jumped into conservative politics. He’s such a cartoon cowboy, I bet his right boot says “Andy” on the bottom.

WIL-BUR, THE GNOME KING

WIL-BUR, THE GNOME KING

Secretary of Commerce

When a witch’s curse transformed his master into a Beast and his fellow servants into household objects, Wilbur Ross became a decorative garden gnome. Unlike the rest of his compatriots, he ventured out into the world to make his fortune in the realm of shady international finance and money laundering, and when True Love’s Kiss lifted the curse, Wilbur was too far away for the enchantment to reverse, and thus he remains trapped in gnome form forever.

PLAGUEMASTER T

PLAGUEMASTER T

Secretary of Health and Human Services

If the Hippocratic Oath is binding in any sort of spiritual sense, Tom Price is royally fucked, y’all. There is some straight Dante shit awaitin’ him in the afterlife.

DOCTOR NAPTIME

DOCTOR NAPTIME

Secretary of Housing and Urban Development

Dr. Ben Carson is only in politics because he was rude President Obama to his face. At the 2013 National Prayer Breakfast, a traditionally non-political event, Dr. Ben, having been invited as the keynote speaker, decided to use his time to shit on the President and his policies.

THE DEVOSTATOR

THE DEVOSTATOR

Secretary of Education

Betsy DeVos is what happens when bored white ladies have enough money to really fuck shit up. Turns out, if you’re born rich and marry richer, you don’t have to settle for a book club, you can buy yourself a whole cabinet department!

SCOTTY 2 HAUGHTY

SCOTTY 2 HAUGHTY

Administrator of the EPA

Scott Pruitt, like a lot of boys his age, grew up watching Captain Planet cartoons. Unlike most boys his age, he decided that the various sludge-smog-and-toxic-waste-slinging villains were the role models for him.

Ok, fine. Pruitt is ten years too old to have grown up on Captain Planet, but fuck you, that’s a good opening paragraph. Make your own fucking website, you don’t like it.

PUBIS

PUBIS

Chief of Staff

Nobody wants to be Reince Priebus when they grow up. He’s just so immediately recognizable as a weaselly little tapeworm of a man, y’know?

Reince Priebus is the sort of person who would be played by Brad Dourif in a film.

DARTH WINO

DARTH WINO

Chief Strategist

Steve Bannon played Bob Ewell in a high school production of To Kill a Mockingbird, and liked it so much he decided to stay in the character for the rest of his life.

A self-described Leninist, and an outspoken populist*, Bannon wants to kidney-punch the administrative state, give it a wedgie, and steal its lunch money.

JAR-JAR

JAR-JAR

Senior Advisor/Son-in-Law

Jared Kushner was born on third base and thinks he invented baseball.

Jared’s dad, Charles Kushner, went to jail for tax evasion, illegal campaign donations, and, ahem, “witness tampering,” by which I mean he set his brother-in-law up with a hooker (not, I’m sad to report, of the Pissing Russian variety) and recorded their genital-smushing in order to blackmail him.

HEY, KELLYANNE!

HEY, KELLYANNE!

Senior Counsel

Hey, Kellyaaaaaaaaaaaanne!
Hey, Kellyaaaaaaaaaaaanne!

When you worked for Akin, things weren’t simple
Cuz he got caught on tape
With legitimate rape

4-HEDD THE SHITTY WHITE GUY FROM BEYOND THE STARS

4-HEDD THE SHITTY WHITE GUY FROM BEYOND THE STARS

Senior Advisor for Policy

Why is it always the shittiest imaginable white dudes who turn out to be white supremacists?

Stephen Miller, who started balding eleven seconds after his conception, has by all accounts been a sack of monkey shit pretty much every single minute of his life.

THE MOOCH

THE MOOCH

Director of Communications

Oh wow, this new Communications Director looks like a real character, huh?

Where to begin? Ok, Anthony Scaramucci first came to –

Wait, what? Really?

KKKRIS KKKOBACH

KKKRIS KKKOBACH

White Supremacist Multi-Tool

Kris Kobach is like the protagonist of the white supremacist version of one of those Disney movies where a kid learns to chase his dreams, no matter how big. The kid gets tired of the monotonous grind of burning crosses on just one lawn at a time, and dreams of burning a cross big enough for the whole dang country!

Maybe he has a talking/singing Confederate flag for a sidekick. Named “Bedford.”

“DOC” GORKA

“DOC” GORKA

Roving Freelance Fascist

As seen in the famed documentary RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK, when the Ark of the Covenant was opened on an uncharted island north of Crete, the burning light that issued thereof reduced the Nazi soldiers present to piles of ash and molten flesh. In time, the rains washed the fascist bio-goo into the island’s sewage system, where it mixed with the shit and piss and used tampons and such, and in time it congealed, took the shape of a man (albeit an unattractive one), slapped on a pair of glasses, and Sebastian Gorka was formed.

ATLAS CRAPPED

ATLAS CRAPPED

Speaker of the House

Paul Ryan was cloned from a single pubic hair plucked from Ayn Rand post-coitus and grown in a still in Charles Koch’s back yard.

YERTLE

YERTLE

Senate Majority Leader

Many years ago, Gamera was following the Grateful Dead on tour, and engaged in a brief-but-life-affirming affair with an Ohio River ‘gator that hung around Ma McConnell’s pig farm, picking off runts for sustenance. Nine months later, young Mitch emerged from a leathery egg, and devoured his fellow hatchlings, beginning his life-long love affair with hurting children.

Shower Cap

Sign Up for My Updates!



It’s fascinating. Failed at health care. Failed with North Korea. Failed on immigration. Failed government shutdown. Countless failed Cabinet officials. Massive failure in the midterms.

And he still sees himself as “successful.” https://t.co/XUSssTVXD2



It’s been about a week since the last E-War plan.

You prolly thought she ran out.

Nah. https://t.co/as65aDpK4i

NUMBER TWO

NUMBER TWO

Vice-President

Mike Pence is the Patron Saint of Mediocre White Dudes, and the Roman God of Failing Upwards.

A Democrat in his youth, Pence, like many men of limited intelligence, turned to religious conservatism for the convenience of being able to end arguments by claiming God shares his every fear and prejudice, while forgiving his every shortcoming, how convenient.

UNSEXY REXY

UNSEXY REXY

Secretary of State

Over the course of three decades, Rex Tillerson fucked, bribed, and murdered his way to the top of Exxon Mobil, like some sort of jowlsy Eva Peron.

MNUCHBAG

MNUCHBAG

Secretary of the Treasury

Steve Mnuchin, like his namesake, the Noise You Make When You’re Dry Heaving After Getting Food Poisoning From Eating Truck Stop Gas Station Roller Hot Pockets on a Road Trip, is deeply unpleasant, and may result in the involuntary voiding of foul-smelling bodily fluids.

THE GENERALS

THE GENERALS

Secretary of Defense
Chief of Staff
National Security Advisor

Holy shit, there are Generals all over the place these days, aren’t there?

Retired General James Mattis serves as Secretary of Defense. Retired General John Kelly ran Homeland Security for a bit, before becoming the Lead Executive Branch Babysitter, excuse me, Chief of Staff. H.R. McMaster’s the National Security Advisor, and hell, he’s still on active duty.

OL’ BEAUREGARD The President's Loyal Huntin' Dawg

OL’ BEAUREGARD The President's Loyal Huntin' Dawg

Attorney General

Jefferson Beauregard Sessions, third generation of his family to carry the name of a Confedarate piece of trash and also a second Confederate piece of trash, is living his dream. As Velveeta Goebbels’ Attorney General, he’s turning back the clock to a time when women and minorities knew their place, and mediocre white dudes like himself got to run everything, even if they weren’t especially bright.

ZINKE BOOTZ

ZINKE BOOTZ

Ryan Zinke is like if the crappiest robot in Westworld escaped and jumped into conservative politics. He’s such a cartoon cowboy, I bet his right boot says “Andy” on the bottom.

WIL-BUR, THE GNOME KING

WIL-BUR, THE GNOME KING

Secretary of Commerce

When a witch’s curse transformed his master into a Beast and his fellow servants into household objects, Wilbur Ross became a decorative garden gnome. Unlike the rest of his compatriots, he ventured out into the world to make his fortune in the realm of shady international finance and money laundering, and when True Love’s Kiss lifted the curse, Wilbur was too far away for the enchantment to reverse, and thus he remains trapped in gnome form forever.

PLAGUEMASTER T

PLAGUEMASTER T

Secretary of Health and Human Services

If the Hippocratic Oath is binding in any sort of spiritual sense, Tom Price is royally fucked, y’all. There is some straight Dante shit awaitin’ him in the afterlife.

DOCTOR NAPTIME

DOCTOR NAPTIME

Secretary of Housing and Urban Development

Dr. Ben Carson is only in politics because he was rude President Obama to his face. At the 2013 National Prayer Breakfast, a traditionally non-political event, Dr. Ben, having been invited as the keynote speaker, decided to use his time to shit on the President and his policies.

THE DEVOSTATOR

THE DEVOSTATOR

Secretary of Education

Betsy DeVos is what happens when bored white ladies have enough money to really fuck shit up. Turns out, if you’re born rich and marry richer, you don’t have to settle for a book club, you can buy yourself a whole cabinet department!

SCOTTY 2 HAUGHTY

SCOTTY 2 HAUGHTY

Administrator of the EPA

Scott Pruitt, like a lot of boys his age, grew up watching Captain Planet cartoons. Unlike most boys his age, he decided that the various sludge-smog-and-toxic-waste-slinging villains were the role models for him.

Ok, fine. Pruitt is ten years too old to have grown up on Captain Planet, but fuck you, that’s a good opening paragraph. Make your own fucking website, you don’t like it.

PUBIS

PUBIS

Chief of Staff

Nobody wants to be Reince Priebus when they grow up. He’s just so immediately recognizable as a weaselly little tapeworm of a man, y’know?

Reince Priebus is the sort of person who would be played by Brad Dourif in a film.

DARTH WINO

DARTH WINO

Chief Strategist

Steve Bannon played Bob Ewell in a high school production of To Kill a Mockingbird, and liked it so much he decided to stay in the character for the rest of his life.

A self-described Leninist, and an outspoken populist*, Bannon wants to kidney-punch the administrative state, give it a wedgie, and steal its lunch money.

JAR-JAR

JAR-JAR

Senior Advisor/Son-in-Law

Jared Kushner was born on third base and thinks he invented baseball.

Jared’s dad, Charles Kushner, went to jail for tax evasion, illegal campaign donations, and, ahem, “witness tampering,” by which I mean he set his brother-in-law up with a hooker (not, I’m sad to report, of the Pissing Russian variety) and recorded their genital-smushing in order to blackmail him.

HEY, KELLYANNE!

HEY, KELLYANNE!

Senior Counsel

Hey, Kellyaaaaaaaaaaaanne!
Hey, Kellyaaaaaaaaaaaanne!

When you worked for Akin, things weren’t simple
Cuz he got caught on tape
With legitimate rape

4-HEDD THE SHITTY WHITE GUY FROM BEYOND THE STARS

4-HEDD THE SHITTY WHITE GUY FROM BEYOND THE STARS

Senior Advisor for Policy

Why is it always the shittiest imaginable white dudes who turn out to be white supremacists?

Stephen Miller, who started balding eleven seconds after his conception, has by all accounts been a sack of monkey shit pretty much every single minute of his life.

THE MOOCH

THE MOOCH

Director of Communications

Oh wow, this new Communications Director looks like a real character, huh?

Where to begin? Ok, Anthony Scaramucci first came to –

Wait, what? Really?

KKKRIS KKKOBACH

KKKRIS KKKOBACH

White Supremacist Multi-Tool

Kris Kobach is like the protagonist of the white supremacist version of one of those Disney movies where a kid learns to chase his dreams, no matter how big. The kid gets tired of the monotonous grind of burning crosses on just one lawn at a time, and dreams of burning a cross big enough for the whole dang country!

Maybe he has a talking/singing Confederate flag for a sidekick. Named “Bedford.”

“DOC” GORKA

“DOC” GORKA

Roving Freelance Fascist

As seen in the famed documentary RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK, when the Ark of the Covenant was opened on an uncharted island north of Crete, the burning light that issued thereof reduced the Nazi soldiers present to piles of ash and molten flesh. In time, the rains washed the fascist bio-goo into the island’s sewage system, where it mixed with the shit and piss and used tampons and such, and in time it congealed, took the shape of a man (albeit an unattractive one), slapped on a pair of glasses, and Sebastian Gorka was formed.

ATLAS CRAPPED

ATLAS CRAPPED

Speaker of the House

Paul Ryan was cloned from a single pubic hair plucked from Ayn Rand post-coitus and grown in a still in Charles Koch’s back yard.

YERTLE

YERTLE

Senate Majority Leader

Many years ago, Gamera was following the Grateful Dead on tour, and engaged in a brief-but-life-affirming affair with an Ohio River ‘gator that hung around Ma McConnell’s pig farm, picking off runts for sustenance. Nine months later, young Mitch emerged from a leathery egg, and devoured his fellow hatchlings, beginning his life-long love affair with hurting children.

Let Us Now Contemplate the Noble Herpes Oyster, and Also How Fucked Manafort Is

Monday, September 18th, 2017

Hey folks. Is shit still cray? I mean, the roof of my place might be sagging under the weight of all the bat guano, but it hasn’t caved in…yet.

Sunday was pretty quiet. I mean, the President of the United States sent out a tweet that advocated violence against women, as well as violence against his political opponent (he’s a multi-tasker, that Marmalade Shartcannon!), but does that even count as newsworthy anymore?

Oh look! Sean Spicer got to go to Emmys and make a little jokey joke and rub elbows with celebrities HAW HAW HAW ISN’T IT FUN? HE WAS THE CHIEF PROPAGANDA MINISTER FOR A REGIME THAT WAGES WAR ON REALITY AND ASSAULTS THE PILLARS OF AMERICAN DEMOCRACY, IT’S FUNNY BECAUSE HE’S A TRAITOR TO HIS NATION AND WILL NEVER FACE ANY CONSEQUENCES BEYOND ACCUMULATING WEALTH HAW HAW HAW.

The Failing New York Times told us that a couple of Sharty McFly’s lawyers went out for lunch at a steakhouse frequented by reporters (and actually down the street from NYT’s office) and screamed their heads off about a bunch of shit they shouldn’t have been talking about IN A RESTAURANT WHERE REPORTERS HANG OUT, because The Best People. Anyway, the lawyers are fighting, and the lawyers all have lawyers of their own, and everybody’s paranoid as fuck. They’re worried they’re being spied on by rivals, that folks might be wearing wires for Mueller…shit, maybe these fucks’ll end up reenacting Reservoir Dogs, and we won’t even have to impeach ’em.

Oh, we’re sending 3,000 more troops to Afghanistan. I’ll bet that takes care of everything. After 16 years, all the blood and treasure needlessly pissed away, 3,000 more troops clears the whole boondoggle up, probably. Whew!

While we spend most of our time focusing on the rot at the federal level here, let’s not lose site of the grassroots dirtbags working to Make America Shitty. Didja hear about the weaselly, dickless kid who tried to get an undocumented classmate kicked out of the country? Well, turns out he’s been booted from his college instead, because justice isn’t completely dead yet. And hey, Taylor Ragg…have fun with the rest of your life, where your reprehensible fuckery will always be a short google search away!

Well, you’re probably hearing a lot about “Graham-Cassidy” these days. Regrettably I must inform you that this is NOT the name of a folk rock band, and even if it were, they’d have songs like “Our House (Is a Very Very Very Fine House But We Lost It in a Medical Bankruptcy When Mom Got Sick)” and “Teach Your Children Well Unless They Have Preexisting Conditions in Which Case It’s Probably Best Not to Get Too Attached.”

No, it’s the title of the latest GOP attempt to sneak their Mass Murder of the American Poor Bill through in the dead of night. Anyway, we gotta get on the phones and sink this shit one more time, Resisters. We must not allow Graham-Cassidy to become Graham, Cassidy, Murkowski & McCain, some sort of life-support-machine-unplugging supergroup.

There won’t be time for a full CBO score before the reconciliation clock runs out at the end of the month, and there’s literally only 90 seconds of debate time left. But the Republican Party is just so dang DEDICATED to shortening the lives of the Taker Classes. “You had me at ‘Dead Kids'” said Ron Johnson, tearfully gazing into Lindsey Graham’s eyes.

Guess what, kids? Now YOU can finance your very own traitor! Yes, General Mike Flynn, America’s favorite undisclosed foreign agent, has started up a crowd funding legal defense site! Maybe he can get Sally Struthers to cut a weepy commercial for him…”Do you want to make more money selling access to a know-nothing President? Sure, we all do!”

It’s been awhile since we’ve heard from Bill at the Abject Horror Desk. Bill! Have you got anything for us tonight?

Bill at the Abject Horror Desk: Oh holy fuck do I ever.

That’s never good news. Fine. Stomp on the tattered remains of my soul, Bill.

Bill at the Abject Horror Desk: Well, you know about the protests in St. Louis, of course. Another acquittal for another law enforcement officer who killed a black man and seems to have planted evidence on him after the fact.

Oh, you’re gonna talk about that old woman the police knocked down at the protest, right?

Bill at the Abject Horror Desk: Yeah, that was really fucking awful, wasn’t it? What if I told you that wasn’t the worst thing St. Louis law enforcement did, Cap?

…shit, Bill. I don’t know if –

Bill at the Abject Horror Desk: No no, let us stare into the Abyss together. Turns out, while some police were arresting some protesters, they decided to co-opt a protester chant. “Whose streets? OUR STREETS!” Got that? The world doesn’t belong to the people, but to the cops in riot gear. SLEEP TIGHT!

Jesus fuck, Bill. That’s some dark shit.

Bill at the Abject Horror Desk: Sure is, Cap. Makes your blood run cold.

Ok, well, before my soul shrivels completely away and runs screaming into the night, I need something to laugh at, STAT. Fortunately I have the worst political ad in history to pep me up. Thanks, Dan Helmer, for history’s most desperately-needed laugh.

President Obama’s tenure in office was marked by steady job growth. That’s slowing down a bit, but don’t worry, America! What we lose in employment we’re more than making up for…in hate crimes! Yessir, the hate crime index is getting a real “Trump Bump,” with a 5% increase nationwide from 2015 to 2016, and many cities seeing even steeper “gains,” led by Washington D.C.’s 62% increase. And we’re off to a red-hot start in 2017, thanks to the wildly successful Make America Hate Again campaign.

Don Jong-un REALLY REALLY wants to preside over a procession of tanks down Pennsylvania Avenue, even though that’d most likely make the Lincoln Memorial stand up, walk over the White House and stomp on his (inadequate) crotch. I wonder if Sheriff Dave’ll let Donnie borrow his uniform so he can really cosplay the shit out of the third world dictator he wishes he were.

Too-Ridiculously-Hateful-to-be-a-Credible-Fictional-Character-Yet-Somehow-Alabama-Senate-Frontrunner Roy Moore lamented the conflicts between the “reds and yellows,” proving that it’s still possible to be shockingly racist in the context of our ever-plummeting Drumpf-era standards.

Seriously. “Reds and yellows?” Holy fuck. Who’s Bannon gonna recruit to primary Roger Wicker in Mississippi, the burning ghost of Nathan Bedford Forrest?

Hey, if you’re having a shit day, at least be thankful that you’re not Paul Manafort.

CNN tells us Paulie Ukraine was subject to FISA-court-approved wiretapping both before and after the election, and that Orange Julius Caesar’s stayed in contact with Manafort until his lawyers finally got through to him on what a dumbfuck thing to do that was.

And NYT told us that Rugged Robert Mueller threatened the former Shart Campaign Chair with indictment after raiding his home a few weeks back, cuz Mueller’s into all that Untouchables shit.

(The Washington Post was totally jealous not to have their own Manafort scoop to break, so my sources tell me they’re working on a story about how he sometimes steals his neighbor’s Amazon packages if they look like they might be something cool like a socket wrench set or Big Wheel.)

Anyway, Our Madame Hilldawg was shootin’ the shit with Terry Gross, and kept the door open to raising some sort of unspecified hell about the election once the indictments start flying, because she is a goddamn warrior with nary a fuck left to give.

And now lil’ Shart, Jr is cancelling his Secret Service protection, because it sure is annoying having law enforcement around all the time when you’ve got laws to break and collusion to cover up, AMIRITE? (That Secret Service officers can be compelled to testify under oath has nothing to do with this decision, I’m sure.)

Anyway, there’s ANOTHER Cat 5 hurricane raging through he Caribbean, and I’m sure it’s about to dump a shit ton of herpes oysters on all of us. It’ll be just like MAGNOLIA. Only instead of frogs, it’ll be oysters. Oysters with herpes.

That seems fair.

Shower Cap

Sign Up for My Updates!



It’s fascinating. Failed at health care. Failed with North Korea. Failed on immigration. Failed government shutdown. Countless failed Cabinet officials. Massive failure in the midterms.

And he still sees himself as “successful.” https://t.co/XUSssTVXD2



It’s been about a week since the last E-War plan.

You prolly thought she ran out.

Nah. https://t.co/as65aDpK4i

NUMBER TWO

NUMBER TWO

Vice-President

Mike Pence is the Patron Saint of Mediocre White Dudes, and the Roman God of Failing Upwards.

A Democrat in his youth, Pence, like many men of limited intelligence, turned to religious conservatism for the convenience of being able to end arguments by claiming God shares his every fear and prejudice, while forgiving his every shortcoming, how convenient.

UNSEXY REXY

UNSEXY REXY

Secretary of State

Over the course of three decades, Rex Tillerson fucked, bribed, and murdered his way to the top of Exxon Mobil, like some sort of jowlsy Eva Peron.

MNUCHBAG

MNUCHBAG

Secretary of the Treasury

Steve Mnuchin, like his namesake, the Noise You Make When You’re Dry Heaving After Getting Food Poisoning From Eating Truck Stop Gas Station Roller Hot Pockets on a Road Trip, is deeply unpleasant, and may result in the involuntary voiding of foul-smelling bodily fluids.

THE GENERALS

THE GENERALS

Secretary of Defense
Chief of Staff
National Security Advisor

Holy shit, there are Generals all over the place these days, aren’t there?

Retired General James Mattis serves as Secretary of Defense. Retired General John Kelly ran Homeland Security for a bit, before becoming the Lead Executive Branch Babysitter, excuse me, Chief of Staff. H.R. McMaster’s the National Security Advisor, and hell, he’s still on active duty.

OL’ BEAUREGARD The President's Loyal Huntin' Dawg

OL’ BEAUREGARD The President's Loyal Huntin' Dawg

Attorney General

Jefferson Beauregard Sessions, third generation of his family to carry the name of a Confedarate piece of trash and also a second Confederate piece of trash, is living his dream. As Velveeta Goebbels’ Attorney General, he’s turning back the clock to a time when women and minorities knew their place, and mediocre white dudes like himself got to run everything, even if they weren’t especially bright.

ZINKE BOOTZ

ZINKE BOOTZ

Ryan Zinke is like if the crappiest robot in Westworld escaped and jumped into conservative politics. He’s such a cartoon cowboy, I bet his right boot says “Andy” on the bottom.

WIL-BUR, THE GNOME KING

WIL-BUR, THE GNOME KING

Secretary of Commerce

When a witch’s curse transformed his master into a Beast and his fellow servants into household objects, Wilbur Ross became a decorative garden gnome. Unlike the rest of his compatriots, he ventured out into the world to make his fortune in the realm of shady international finance and money laundering, and when True Love’s Kiss lifted the curse, Wilbur was too far away for the enchantment to reverse, and thus he remains trapped in gnome form forever.

PLAGUEMASTER T

PLAGUEMASTER T

Secretary of Health and Human Services

If the Hippocratic Oath is binding in any sort of spiritual sense, Tom Price is royally fucked, y’all. There is some straight Dante shit awaitin’ him in the afterlife.

DOCTOR NAPTIME

DOCTOR NAPTIME

Secretary of Housing and Urban Development

Dr. Ben Carson is only in politics because he was rude President Obama to his face. At the 2013 National Prayer Breakfast, a traditionally non-political event, Dr. Ben, having been invited as the keynote speaker, decided to use his time to shit on the President and his policies.

THE DEVOSTATOR

THE DEVOSTATOR

Secretary of Education

Betsy DeVos is what happens when bored white ladies have enough money to really fuck shit up. Turns out, if you’re born rich and marry richer, you don’t have to settle for a book club, you can buy yourself a whole cabinet department!

SCOTTY 2 HAUGHTY

SCOTTY 2 HAUGHTY

Administrator of the EPA

Scott Pruitt, like a lot of boys his age, grew up watching Captain Planet cartoons. Unlike most boys his age, he decided that the various sludge-smog-and-toxic-waste-slinging villains were the role models for him.

Ok, fine. Pruitt is ten years too old to have grown up on Captain Planet, but fuck you, that’s a good opening paragraph. Make your own fucking website, you don’t like it.

PUBIS

PUBIS

Chief of Staff

Nobody wants to be Reince Priebus when they grow up. He’s just so immediately recognizable as a weaselly little tapeworm of a man, y’know?

Reince Priebus is the sort of person who would be played by Brad Dourif in a film.

DARTH WINO

DARTH WINO

Chief Strategist

Steve Bannon played Bob Ewell in a high school production of To Kill a Mockingbird, and liked it so much he decided to stay in the character for the rest of his life.

A self-described Leninist, and an outspoken populist*, Bannon wants to kidney-punch the administrative state, give it a wedgie, and steal its lunch money.

JAR-JAR

JAR-JAR

Senior Advisor/Son-in-Law

Jared Kushner was born on third base and thinks he invented baseball.

Jared’s dad, Charles Kushner, went to jail for tax evasion, illegal campaign donations, and, ahem, “witness tampering,” by which I mean he set his brother-in-law up with a hooker (not, I’m sad to report, of the Pissing Russian variety) and recorded their genital-smushing in order to blackmail him.

HEY, KELLYANNE!

HEY, KELLYANNE!

Senior Counsel

Hey, Kellyaaaaaaaaaaaanne!
Hey, Kellyaaaaaaaaaaaanne!

When you worked for Akin, things weren’t simple
Cuz he got caught on tape
With legitimate rape

4-HEDD THE SHITTY WHITE GUY FROM BEYOND THE STARS

4-HEDD THE SHITTY WHITE GUY FROM BEYOND THE STARS

Senior Advisor for Policy

Why is it always the shittiest imaginable white dudes who turn out to be white supremacists?

Stephen Miller, who started balding eleven seconds after his conception, has by all accounts been a sack of monkey shit pretty much every single minute of his life.

THE MOOCH

THE MOOCH

Director of Communications

Oh wow, this new Communications Director looks like a real character, huh?

Where to begin? Ok, Anthony Scaramucci first came to –

Wait, what? Really?

KKKRIS KKKOBACH

KKKRIS KKKOBACH

White Supremacist Multi-Tool

Kris Kobach is like the protagonist of the white supremacist version of one of those Disney movies where a kid learns to chase his dreams, no matter how big. The kid gets tired of the monotonous grind of burning crosses on just one lawn at a time, and dreams of burning a cross big enough for the whole dang country!

Maybe he has a talking/singing Confederate flag for a sidekick. Named “Bedford.”

“DOC” GORKA

“DOC” GORKA

Roving Freelance Fascist

As seen in the famed documentary RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK, when the Ark of the Covenant was opened on an uncharted island north of Crete, the burning light that issued thereof reduced the Nazi soldiers present to piles of ash and molten flesh. In time, the rains washed the fascist bio-goo into the island’s sewage system, where it mixed with the shit and piss and used tampons and such, and in time it congealed, took the shape of a man (albeit an unattractive one), slapped on a pair of glasses, and Sebastian Gorka was formed.

ATLAS CRAPPED

ATLAS CRAPPED

Speaker of the House

Paul Ryan was cloned from a single pubic hair plucked from Ayn Rand post-coitus and grown in a still in Charles Koch’s back yard.

YERTLE

YERTLE

Senate Majority Leader

Many years ago, Gamera was following the Grateful Dead on tour, and engaged in a brief-but-life-affirming affair with an Ohio River ‘gator that hung around Ma McConnell’s pig farm, picking off runts for sustenance. Nine months later, young Mitch emerged from a leathery egg, and devoured his fellow hatchlings, beginning his life-long love affair with hurting children.

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