Mike Pence is the Patron Saint of Mediocre White Dudes, and the Roman God of Failing Upwards.
A Democrat in his youth, Pence, like many men of limited intelligence, turned to religious conservatism for the convenience of being able to end arguments by claiming God shares his every fear and prejudice, while forgiving his every shortcoming, how convenient.
Secretary of State
Mike Pompeo is one of those performatively pious fake Christians who loves using his loudly-claimed-but-seldom-followed faith like a cudgel while ignoring every single word of the actual Bible, including “and” and “the.”
Secretary of State
Over the course of three decades, Rex Tillerson fucked, bribed, and murdered his way to the top of Exxon Mobil, like some sort of jowlsy Eva Peron.
William Barr actually taught me a valuable lesson. See, I didn’t look too closely at Bill when he was nominated to be Attorney General. After Jeff “Too Racist for the 80’s” Sessions and the masculine toilet guy, honestly, he looked like a nice, refreshing, safe, traditional Republican. An institutionalist who could bring a little much-needed stability.
And then he turned out to be a fascist, and one of the most dangerous enemies of democracy in American history. Whoops. My bad.
Secretary of the Treasury
Steve Mnuchin, like his namesake, the Noise You Make When You’re Dry Heaving After Getting Food Poisoning From Eating Truck Stop Gas Station Roller Hot Pockets on a Road Trip, is deeply unpleasant, and may result in the involuntary voiding of foul-smelling bodily fluids.
Secretary of Defense
Chief of Staff
National Security Advisor
Holy shit, there are Generals all over the place these days, aren’t there?
Retired General James Mattis serves as Secretary of Defense. Retired General John Kelly ran Homeland Security for a bit, before becoming the Lead Executive Branch Babysitter, excuse me, Chief of Staff. H.R. McMaster’s the National Security Advisor, and hell, he’s still on active duty.
Jefferson Beauregard Sessions, third generation of his family to carry the name of a Confedarate piece of trash and also a second Confederate piece of trash, is living his dream. As Velveeta Goebbels’ Attorney General, he’s turning back the clock to a time when women and minorities knew their place, and mediocre white dudes like himself got to run everything, even if they weren’t especially bright.
Ryan Zinke is like if the crappiest robot in Westworld escaped and jumped into conservative politics. He’s such a cartoon cowboy, I bet his right boot says “Andy” on the bottom.
Secretary of Commerce
When a witch’s curse transformed his master into a Beast and his fellow servants into household objects, Wilbur Ross became a decorative garden gnome. Unlike the rest of his compatriots, he ventured out into the world to make his fortune in the realm of shady international finance and money laundering, and when True Love’s Kiss lifted the curse, Wilbur was too far away for the enchantment to reverse, and thus he remains trapped in gnome form forever.
Secretary of Health and Human Services
If the Hippocratic Oath is binding in any sort of spiritual sense, Tom Price is royally fucked, y’all. There is some straight Dante shit awaitin’ him in the afterlife.
Secretary of Housing and Urban Development
Dr. Ben Carson is only in politics because he was rude President Obama to his face. At the 2013 National Prayer Breakfast, a traditionally non-political event, Dr. Ben, having been invited as the keynote speaker, decided to use his time to shit on the President and his policies.
Secretary of Education
Betsy DeVos is what happens when bored white ladies have enough money to really fuck shit up. Turns out, if you’re born rich and marry richer, you don’t have to settle for a book club, you can buy yourself a whole cabinet department!
Administrator of the EPA
Scott Pruitt, like a lot of boys his age, grew up watching Captain Planet cartoons. Unlike most boys his age, he decided that the various sludge-smog-and-toxic-waste-slinging villains were the role models for him.
Ok, fine. Pruitt is ten years too old to have grown up on Captain Planet, but fuck you, that’s a good opening paragraph. Make your own fucking website, you don’t like it.
Chief of Staff
Nobody wants to be Reince Priebus when they grow up. He’s just so immediately recognizable as a weaselly little tapeworm of a man, y’know?
Reince Priebus is the sort of person who would be played by Brad Dourif in a film.
Steve Bannon played Bob Ewell in a high school production of To Kill a Mockingbird, and liked it so much he decided to stay in the character for the rest of his life.
A self-described Leninist, and an outspoken populist*, Bannon wants to kidney-punch the administrative state, give it a wedgie, and steal its lunch money.
Jared Kushner was born on third base and thinks he invented baseball.
Jared’s dad, Charles Kushner, went to jail for tax evasion, illegal campaign donations, and, ahem, “witness tampering,” by which I mean he set his brother-in-law up with a hooker (not, I’m sad to report, of the Pissing Russian variety) and recorded their genital-smushing in order to blackmail him.
Daddy’s Little Girl
Ivanka Trump is what happens when you cross Gwyneth Paltrow with Mussolini’s dumbest, laziest aide-de-camp. Watching her try to sell her father’s fascism as some sort of pro-woman lifestyle brand, marketed in the sickliest imaginable shade of pink, has been one of the most bizarre subplots of this nightmare we can’t seem to pinch ourselves out of.
So, while Melania Trump is perhaps not as shitty as many of the crooks, Nazis, and Nazi crooks who inhabit her dirtbag husband’s world, she manages to impressively shitty in her own right.
When you worked for Akin, things weren’t simple
Cuz he got caught on tape
With legitimate rape
Senior Advisor for Policy
Why is it always the shittiest imaginable white dudes who turn out to be white supremacists?
Stephen Miller, who started balding eleven seconds after his conception, has by all accounts been a sack of monkey shit pretty much every single minute of his life.
Director of Communications
Oh wow, this new Communications Director looks like a real character, huh?
Where to begin? Ok, Anthony Scaramucci first came to –
Wait, what? Really?
White Supremacist Multi-Tool
Kris Kobach is like the protagonist of the white supremacist version of one of those Disney movies where a kid learns to chase his dreams, no matter how big. The kid gets tired of the monotonous grind of burning crosses on just one lawn at a time, and dreams of burning a cross big enough for the whole dang country!
Maybe he has a talking/singing Confederate flag for a sidekick. Named “Bedford.”
Roving Freelance Fascist
As seen in the famed documentary RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK, when the Ark of the Covenant was opened on an uncharted island north of Crete, the burning light that issued thereof reduced the Nazi soldiers present to piles of ash and molten flesh. In time, the rains washed the fascist bio-goo into the island’s sewage system, where it mixed with the shit and piss and used tampons and such, and in time it congealed, took the shape of a man (albeit an unattractive one), slapped on a pair of glasses, and Sebastian Gorka was formed.
Speaker of the House
Paul Ryan was cloned from a single pubic hair plucked from Ayn Rand post-coitus and grown in a still in Charles Koch’s back yard.
Senate Majority Leader
Many years ago, Gamera was following the Grateful Dead on tour, and engaged in a brief-but-life-affirming affair with an Ohio River ‘gator that hung around Ma McConnell’s pig farm, picking off runts for sustenance. Nine months later, young Mitch emerged from a leathery egg, and devoured his fellow hatchlings, beginning his life-long love affair with hurting children.
Susan Collins is How It Happens Here, folks.
She’s supposed to be the rational centrist. The one who stands up to the increasingly-rabid gaggle of turd-spewing hyenas known as the Republican Party when they go too far. That’s whole point of Susan Collins. It’s the brand she’s been selling the people of Maine for years.
Anybody wondering if the GOP is still the party of Lincoln gets their answer whenever they take in James Daniel Jordan’s tension-racked, jacketless frame as he does his “indignant soccer dad demands to see a manager” routine during a committee hearing. Lincoln? That ship has sailed, caught fire, sunk, and been overrun by sea slugs and the ghosts of unusually shitty pirates. Sorry.
Official Sponsors of American Fascism
Chuck and Davey Koch decided that popping out of a rich lady’s vagina gave them the right to reshape the world however they saw fit, hurting whoever they wanted to in the process, and since the fundamental driving impulse of your average Republican politician is to sell out to the highest bidder, they haven’t exactly been proven wrong.
Humiliation Abroad, Atrocity at Home, and the Dolt Responsible Just Wants to Play with Tanks
Reading the news these days is like being locked in a tank that’s rapidly filling with distilled, liquid, madness, doing your damndest to evolve gills. Still, I will be goddamned if I let this fuckery ruin Olivia de Havilland’s 103rd birthday for me!
A federal court ruled that despite President Dumpster Behind a Liposuction Clinic’s most fervent wishes, laws still matter, and his inability to get Congress to appropriate funds for his Big Stupid Wall doesn’t constitute a state of emergency; it’s really more of a state of you’re-a-giant-moron-who-sucks-at-his-job-anyway-no-wall-for-you-Fucko. Anyway, be on the lookout for the forthcoming Topps trading card set depicting every thrilling Dotard court defeat, with special limited edition cards autographed by the very judges who issued these democracy-saving decisions.
I guess it was Take Your Dipshit Daughter to Work Day over at the G-20 in Japan, as Shart Garfunkel figured maybe if he let Princess Ivanka play world leader for a few days, she’d let him touch her butt. In a sign of their profound respect for our current administration, the French government released a video of Daddy’s Little Girl trying to butt into a conversation between actual, legit, policy makers, like a five-year-old wandering into an operating theater with a little plastic stethoscope around her neck.
Now, everyone’s either mocking or disparaging (or both…mocksparaging?) Ivanka’s unwelcome intrusion at the grown-ups’ table, but when Tangerine Idi Amin converts the office of the Presidency into a hereditary dynasty, do you really want Junior, or heaven forbid, ERIC in charge? Always choose the least of three dangerously privileged nitwits, as my daddy used to say.
Bowing to his insatiable thirst for attention and unerring instinct for debasing the United States, Pumpkin Spice Pol Pot arranged a little side trip to North Korea, eager to once again lay down like a doormat for the guy who not only tortured an American citizen to death, but actually sent the U.S. a fucking bill for his trouble. Dumbass even invited the skeevy little freak back to the White House; “Hell, while you’re visiting, why don’t we swing by the Warmbier place, we can drink all their booze, fart on their couch, and maybe wander over to Otto’s grave to piss on it literally instead of just metaphorically for a change.”
And in one of the most pathetic acts yet by a deeply pathetic man, Donnie Two-Scoops went on a sad little tirade about how Barack Obama desperately wanted to hang out with Kim Jong-un so so bad, but Kim didn’t wanna, even when Barack offered him a free trip to Chuck E Cheese’s with enough quarters to play all the way through the Ninja Turtle arcade game, because he was waiting for a much cooler President, one with super rad way long neckties and silly balloon pants. Everybody believes you, bro. Really they do.
Anyway, the right wing media jagosphere, constitutionally incapable of learning from past mistakes, praised their Turd Emperor as the very God of Peacemaking, conveniently ignoring the two previous times Kim gorged himself on the proffered buffet of legitimacy, stuck America with the check, and gave the Shart of the Deal a steaming bowl of Not One Fucking Thing in return. But I bet it all works out perfectly this time, campers. Fer sure.
We learned that the National Security Advisor didn’t accompany Boss Shitstain to North Korea, which is, of course, highly irregular, though that almost seems like good news when you remember the current NSA is blood-crazed maniac John Bolton. But then we learned that Tucker “Look, Leadership Means Mass Murder, Everybody Knows That” Carlson accompanied the President instead, which kinda makes you long for Bolton’s calm, steadying hand, and I suppose I may as well stop writing now because your head just exploded.
A Canadian cartoonist got fired from a number of newspapers over a cartoon suggesting that the Carcinogenic Creamsicle cares more about golfing than migrant children dying at the border, which is odd, because that’s the single most obvious thing in the fucking world. It’s about as controversial as a cartoon suggesting that there’s peanut butter in a peanut butter sandwich, or that Rudy Giuliani is a cousin-fucking creep.
Former Michigan Governor Rick Snyder was jailed over the weekend, a just and fitting punishment for his role in the Flint water crisis. Excuse me, that’s not right, I was reading the news from an alternate reality where things make sense. In our timeline, Snyder was named a senior research fellow at fucking Harvard, because poisoning your own constituents is a path to glory and prestige, here in Shitty Wonderland.
Today in Entirely Predictable Consequences, Iran surpassed the uranium enrichment limits agreed upon in the carefully-negotiated-if-somewhat-uninspiringly-labeled “Iran Deal.” So yeah, we’re back to a nuclear arms race in the Middle East because safety and security are infinitely less important to our President than rubbing his ass all over his predecessor’s legacy.
Boy howdy, the Manchurian Manchild sure is hellbent on having a bunch of big, ugly, tanks at his “Yes, I Can Fuck Up Even the Fourth of July” party. Y’know, he’s fought harder to roll tanks down the National Mall than he ever has, in more than two years, to improve a single American’s life*. Anyway, the “party of fiscal responsibility” is curiously silent about this latest sacrifice of taxpayer dollars on the altar of Maybe Giving Baron Fatfuk One Last Erection But Probably Not.
Politico posted a fun little article on how the Marmalade Shartcannon’s personal pet Congressdopes are planning to use the upcoming Mueller hearings to pummel themselves about the head and groin with sledgehammers, by attacking a damn-near-universally-respected law enforcement official with conspiracy theories they came up with while smoking oregano over at Devin Nunes’ house. Dunning-Kruger is REAL, folks. So very real.
I see Sarah Huckleberry Slanders is writing a memoir, but I bet it winds up shelved in the fiction section AYYYYYYYYYYYYY get it? Cuz she lies so much? The FICTION SECTION? Anyway, what’s with airline food, amiright?
If anybody out there enjoys the sensation of nauseous horror, BOY DO I HAVE A STORY FOR YOU. See, the good folks over at ProPublica found out about a secret Facebook group where 9,500 Border Patrol agents get together to blow off a little steam with hate speech and homicidal ideation! Nothin’ to worry about, folks, it’s just a culture of dehumanizing racism and sexism festering within the very law enforcement agency operating concentration camps on American soil! What could possibly go wrong?
I feel like it might be a fun challenge going forward, to try to write this blog without making Nazi comparisons, but Border Patrol, you’re makin’ it tough. Y’know what? If you’re denying detainees water, and laughing as you tell them to drink out of the toilet instead, as Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez and other Congressmen reported from a CBP facility in southern Texas, guess what, you’re a Nazi. That’s a legit crime against humanity, and for the safety of society, it’s YOU who needs to be locked up.
We Don’t Actually Live in Hell Truthers keep asserting, against all available evidence, that we don’t live in Hell, but I ask you, would Ted Cruz compare himself to Rosa Parks anywhere else but in Hell? I think we can go ahead and shut the door on this particular argument.
New research suggests that, while we can’t know for certain, all the artisanal disinformation from those Russian troll farmer’s markets may have indeed contributed to the unexpected growth of the apricot-tinted tumor in the Oval Office.
Now, this is timely news, as we’re already dealing with a nigh-biblical flood of internet bullshit centered around the 2020 elections, from a fake Biden campaign site (Faux Joe? Oh no!) to some deeply despicable shit about Kamala Harris, promoted by such leading conservative intellectuals as Turdworm, Jr. himself. Anyway, when your cousin back home (the one who gets all his news from memes) posts that article from QisGod.MagaNet claiming Elizabeth Warren subsists entirely on a diet of babies seasoned with ground-up bits of the original Declaration of Independence, please don’t be shy about issuing corrections.
And it looks like Mike Pompeo has been using his Diplomatic Security agents to run personal errands for him, paid for with your taxpayer dollars. Yes, YOU. You reading this right now. I’m choosing to believe it was YOUR money, specifically, that was used to finance that one trip where highly trained security personnel picked Mike’s dog up from the groomer. Bet you feel like a chump, don’tcha?
*Ok, “a single non-megarich American’s life.”