Hey, everybody, it’s another light one; I’m spending most of my days and nights working on a rudimentary time machine designed to send what I believe will be some helpful, clarifying, specific, constitutional changes to James Madison, circa 1785 or so, cleverly hidden in the form of a racy-if-not-outright-pornographic pamphlet. Like, once I’ve captured J-Mad’s attention with a tantalizing drawing of a shapely ankle, he’ll notice it’s accented not with some lacy garter, but rather very fine text, reading “LIMIT PRESIDENTIAL PARDON POWER, DUMBASS.”

Noted Shoe Design Thief Ivanka Trump was dispatched to Dubai to play diplomat again, because that’s just the sort of thing you have to deal with when you make a semi-sentient shower drain hair clog President of the United States. Not content with the embarrassment she brought upon her country with her mere presence, Princess Grifty praised the autocratic, medieval, regimes in Saudi Arabia and the UAE for their infinitesimal gestures towards expanding women’s rights, even as female activists are brutally tortured in their jails. At least, I suppose, she demonstrated the good taste to save the remarks thanking the journalist-dismembering House of Saud for their contributions to the Trump Organization for a private conference.

A Florida Cult45er is refusing dialysis because the hospital won’t let him take his service animal to treatment with him, only the “service animal” is, and oh how I wish I was making this up, a life-sized cardboard cutout of Government Cheese Goebbels. Y’know, I think about the struggles millions of people face, seeking and often failing to obtain necessary healthcare, and I want to launch this loon into the fucking sun. I stopped taking my security blanket with me everywhere when I was…well, I don’t remember exactly, but it was before prom, anyway.

Chief Thuglomat Mike Pompeo is leading an effort to eliminate funding for a State Department cultural exchange program named in honor of Christopher Stevens, the U.S. Ambassador killed in the 2012 Benghazi attack. Why, it’s almost as if Stevens and the other Americans who died that day were never anything more than convenient props for a cynical Republican smear campaign, casually discarded once they were no longer useful. Everyone is disposable to the GOP, from Gold Star families to country-western groups to, y’know, the entire working class.

And I see the Dopey Dotard with Diminutive Digits stocked the presidential limo with goat porn and stale fast food burgers, and took it for a joyride around the track at the Daytona 500. Now, in an era when one needs a scorecard to keep track of all the high crimes n’ misdemeanors, this seems like a tiny, barely-even-worth-mentioning story, a blip on the radar, or maybe the radar guy just sneezed on the screen, even. I mention that only to point out that this clearly illegal use of taxpayer-funded resources for a campaign activity would have been, far and away, the single biggest scandal of the entire Obama administration, and Sean Hannity would STILL be screaming about it, today, probably right at this very moment, in fact.

Anyway, I haven’t been able to to keep any food down since I heard Uncanny Valley Centerfold Stephen Miller got married. I confess I don’t like to think about the kind of person who looks into those eerily dead eyes and sees a soulmate, y’know? Miller seethes with such unconcealed hatred that even the clown car comms shop at the Shart House knows better than to put him on television, spray-on hair or no spray-on hair, and that there’s somebody out there broken enough to want to spend the rest of their life in the immediate vicinity of that sickness…oh god, here it comes again, it’s like I’ve never eaten anything but spoiled fish and rancid mayonnaise.

The Genocidal Mustache Symbiotically Attached to John Bolton’s Upper Lip continues history’s least-appealing striptease, batting his eyes and coquettishly implying that while he may indeed be sitting on heretofore unseen evidence that could save the republic were it only placed in the right hands, y’all will just have to wait to find out about it in John-John’s little ol’ bookie-book. Man, fuck this self-aggrandizing maniac. He’s not just fiddling on the deck of the Titanic, he’s setting up a Slip N Slide. Well, sell your books, Murderstache, maybe Hairplug Himmler will let you spend the proceeds in the Gulag commissary.

More than 2,000 former Justice Department officials are calling on Redactor General William Barr to resign, partially because he never fucking starts a new pot of coffee in the break room when he takes the last cup, but mostly for betraying American democracy by transforming federal law enforcement into a blunt instrument for a cheap crook President to wield with autocratic glee, a weapon of horrifying power with just two settings: HELP FRIENDS and SMASH ENEMIES. Man, why is it a power-mad, theocratic, goon like Barr who gets to see his wildest dreams come true? Why couldn’t it be some happy-go-lucky kid who just wants it to rain root beer every now and then?

And oh yeah, the pardons. Y’all, we’ve been misinterpreting the whole “drain the swamp” thing. Yes, the swamp stands for corruption, but we were wrong to assume Strawberry Shartcake agrees with us that corruption is a bad thing. Corruption is his life’s work, his one true passion, the only fucking thing he’s ever been any good at. Drain the swamp, yes, but drain it directly into the public water supply, spray it into the air we breathe, broadcast it in prime time on every channel, until America is one fetid, sweltering, swamp, spanning from sea to shining sea, no need for high-speed rail, just canoes and machetes!

Pundits are racking their brains trying to figure out what this latest wave of pardons means. Is he angling for some unseen demographic ahead of the general election? Paving the way for future pardons, of Stone and/or Manafort? You’re thinking too hard, kids, he just fundamentally disagrees with the notion that corruption is something to be punished, is all. It’s Dirtbag Darwinism, why should anyone face consequences for working the system, or bilking a few rubes? Silly rabbit, jail isn’t for wealthy white folks!

Anyway, here’s a partial list of Orange Julius Caesar’s pardons n’ commutations today: Auric Goldfinger, Rod Blagojevich*, Million Dollar Man Ted DiBiase, Gordon Gekko, Michael Milken, Bob Ewell, The Xenomorph from the first Alien movie, Bernard Kerik, Thoth-Amon, Charles Montgomery Burns, Eddie DeBartolo Jr., the kid who grabbed all the Halloween candy from the unattended plastic jack-o-lantern with the sign that said “please only take one,” Benedict Arnold, Hans Gruber, and the Bubonic Plague.

But even today, the news isn’t all miscarriage of justice and overfull litter boxes; an appeals court in North Carolina blocked the state’s GOP-backed voter ID law, on account of how it’s a racist attempt to suppress the African-American vote, and Republicans were all “But that’s the whole point!” and anyway, this seems like a good time to ask y’all to chip in a buck or two towards Cal Cunningham’s campaign to send Trump toady Thom Tillis back to the private sector, don’tcha think?

Alright, folks, that’s all for tonight. I’d wish for more news in order to merit longer blog posts, but I certainly don’t want to risk unleashing the Trump-era version of the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man, y’know?

*Who today became the very first presidential commutation recipient upon whose lawn I have urinated.