Mike Pence is the Patron Saint of Mediocre White Dudes, and the Roman God of Failing Upwards.
A Democrat in his youth, Pence, like many men of limited intelligence, turned to religious conservatism for the convenience of being able to end arguments by claiming God shares his every fear and prejudice, while forgiving his every shortcoming, how convenient.
Secretary of State
Mike Pompeo is one of those performatively pious fake Christians who loves using his loudly-claimed-but-seldom-followed faith like a cudgel while ignoring every single word of the actual Bible, including “and” and “the.”
Secretary of State
Over the course of three decades, Rex Tillerson fucked, bribed, and murdered his way to the top of Exxon Mobil, like some sort of jowlsy Eva Peron.
William Barr actually taught me a valuable lesson. See, I didn’t look too closely at Bill when he was nominated to be Attorney General. After Jeff “Too Racist for the 80’s” Sessions and the masculine toilet guy, honestly, he looked like a nice, refreshing, safe, traditional Republican. An institutionalist who could bring a little much-needed stability.
And then he turned out to be a fascist, and one of the most dangerous enemies of democracy in American history. Whoops. My bad.
Secretary of the Treasury
Steve Mnuchin, like his namesake, the Noise You Make When You’re Dry Heaving After Getting Food Poisoning From Eating Truck Stop Gas Station Roller Hot Pockets on a Road Trip, is deeply unpleasant, and may result in the involuntary voiding of foul-smelling bodily fluids.
Secretary of Defense
Chief of Staff
National Security Advisor
Holy shit, there are Generals all over the place these days, aren’t there?
Retired General James Mattis serves as Secretary of Defense. Retired General John Kelly ran Homeland Security for a bit, before becoming the Lead Executive Branch Babysitter, excuse me, Chief of Staff. H.R. McMaster’s the National Security Advisor, and hell, he’s still on active duty.
Jefferson Beauregard Sessions, third generation of his family to carry the name of a Confedarate piece of trash and also a second Confederate piece of trash, is living his dream. As Velveeta Goebbels’ Attorney General, he’s turning back the clock to a time when women and minorities knew their place, and mediocre white dudes like himself got to run everything, even if they weren’t especially bright.
Ryan Zinke is like if the crappiest robot in Westworld escaped and jumped into conservative politics. He’s such a cartoon cowboy, I bet his right boot says “Andy” on the bottom.
Secretary of Commerce
When a witch’s curse transformed his master into a Beast and his fellow servants into household objects, Wilbur Ross became a decorative garden gnome. Unlike the rest of his compatriots, he ventured out into the world to make his fortune in the realm of shady international finance and money laundering, and when True Love’s Kiss lifted the curse, Wilbur was too far away for the enchantment to reverse, and thus he remains trapped in gnome form forever.
Secretary of Health and Human Services
If the Hippocratic Oath is binding in any sort of spiritual sense, Tom Price is royally fucked, y’all. There is some straight Dante shit awaitin’ him in the afterlife.
Secretary of Housing and Urban Development
Dr. Ben Carson is only in politics because he was rude President Obama to his face. At the 2013 National Prayer Breakfast, a traditionally non-political event, Dr. Ben, having been invited as the keynote speaker, decided to use his time to shit on the President and his policies.
Secretary of Education
Betsy DeVos is what happens when bored white ladies have enough money to really fuck shit up. Turns out, if you’re born rich and marry richer, you don’t have to settle for a book club, you can buy yourself a whole cabinet department!
Administrator of the EPA
Scott Pruitt, like a lot of boys his age, grew up watching Captain Planet cartoons. Unlike most boys his age, he decided that the various sludge-smog-and-toxic-waste-slinging villains were the role models for him.
Ok, fine. Pruitt is ten years too old to have grown up on Captain Planet, but fuck you, that’s a good opening paragraph. Make your own fucking website, you don’t like it.
Chief of Staff
Nobody wants to be Reince Priebus when they grow up. He’s just so immediately recognizable as a weaselly little tapeworm of a man, y’know?
Reince Priebus is the sort of person who would be played by Brad Dourif in a film.
Steve Bannon played Bob Ewell in a high school production of To Kill a Mockingbird, and liked it so much he decided to stay in the character for the rest of his life.
A self-described Leninist, and an outspoken populist*, Bannon wants to kidney-punch the administrative state, give it a wedgie, and steal its lunch money.
Jared Kushner was born on third base and thinks he invented baseball.
Jared’s dad, Charles Kushner, went to jail for tax evasion, illegal campaign donations, and, ahem, “witness tampering,” by which I mean he set his brother-in-law up with a hooker (not, I’m sad to report, of the Pissing Russian variety) and recorded their genital-smushing in order to blackmail him.
Daddy’s Little Girl
Ivanka Trump is what happens when you cross Gwyneth Paltrow with Mussolini’s dumbest, laziest aide-de-camp. Watching her try to sell her father’s fascism as some sort of pro-woman lifestyle brand, marketed in the sickliest imaginable shade of pink, has been one of the most bizarre subplots of this nightmare we can’t seem to pinch ourselves out of.
So, while Melania Trump is perhaps not as shitty as many of the crooks, Nazis, and Nazi crooks who inhabit her dirtbag husband’s world, she manages to impressively shitty in her own right.
When you worked for Akin, things weren’t simple
Cuz he got caught on tape
With legitimate rape
Senior Advisor for Policy
Why is it always the shittiest imaginable white dudes who turn out to be white supremacists?
Stephen Miller, who started balding eleven seconds after his conception, has by all accounts been a sack of monkey shit pretty much every single minute of his life.
Director of Communications
Oh wow, this new Communications Director looks like a real character, huh?
Where to begin? Ok, Anthony Scaramucci first came to –
Wait, what? Really?
White Supremacist Multi-Tool
Kris Kobach is like the protagonist of the white supremacist version of one of those Disney movies where a kid learns to chase his dreams, no matter how big. The kid gets tired of the monotonous grind of burning crosses on just one lawn at a time, and dreams of burning a cross big enough for the whole dang country!
Maybe he has a talking/singing Confederate flag for a sidekick. Named “Bedford.”
Roving Freelance Fascist
As seen in the famed documentary RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK, when the Ark of the Covenant was opened on an uncharted island north of Crete, the burning light that issued thereof reduced the Nazi soldiers present to piles of ash and molten flesh. In time, the rains washed the fascist bio-goo into the island’s sewage system, where it mixed with the shit and piss and used tampons and such, and in time it congealed, took the shape of a man (albeit an unattractive one), slapped on a pair of glasses, and Sebastian Gorka was formed.
Speaker of the House
Paul Ryan was cloned from a single pubic hair plucked from Ayn Rand post-coitus and grown in a still in Charles Koch’s back yard.
Senate Majority Leader
Many years ago, Gamera was following the Grateful Dead on tour, and engaged in a brief-but-life-affirming affair with an Ohio River ‘gator that hung around Ma McConnell’s pig farm, picking off runts for sustenance. Nine months later, young Mitch emerged from a leathery egg, and devoured his fellow hatchlings, beginning his life-long love affair with hurting children.
Susan Collins is How It Happens Here, folks.
She’s supposed to be the rational centrist. The one who stands up to the increasingly-rabid gaggle of turd-spewing hyenas known as the Republican Party when they go too far. That’s whole point of Susan Collins. It’s the brand she’s been selling the people of Maine for years.
Anybody wondering if the GOP is still the party of Lincoln gets their answer whenever they take in James Daniel Jordan’s tension-racked, jacketless frame as he does his “indignant soccer dad demands to see a manager” routine during a committee hearing. Lincoln? That ship has sailed, caught fire, sunk, and been overrun by sea slugs and the ghosts of unusually shitty pirates. Sorry.
Official Sponsors of American Fascism
Chuck and Davey Koch decided that popping out of a rich lady’s vagina gave them the right to reshape the world however they saw fit, hurting whoever they wanted to in the process, and since the fundamental driving impulse of your average Republican politician is to sell out to the highest bidder, they haven’t exactly been proven wrong.
I Mean Yeah, If I Fucked Up This Bad, I’d Rather Talk About Hunter Biden, Too.
Don’t get me wrong, the addition of hope and anticipation to the customary outrage n’ despair cocktail has been a largely positive development, but, well, I may be feeling just a wee bit overstimulated lately. Anyway, I’m sure fourteen days of time passing like those last minutes before you’re allowed to wake up your parents on Xmas morning will be a breeze to bear, and I will in no way gnaw my fingernails down to the wrist.
Well, the Velveeta Vulgarian’s handlers have settled him into a comforting little schedule of safe-space rallies in the reddest swing state communities available; maybe it’s not the best strategy for reaching persuadable undecideds, but at least it keeps him from blurting gibbering nonsense like “LIBERALS WANT TO BLOW UP MOUNT RUSHMORE” on national television.
Anyway, Shart Garfunkel is lying more than ever, which is sort of revoltingly impressive in its own way, like the finals of the World Gravy Drinking Championship*. And of course he’s still attacking Michigan Governor Gretchen Whitmer, in precisely the same ways that already inspired one white supremacist plot to kidnap and execute her, and while I’ve never been a fan of the so-called War on Terror, I confess I never thought I’d see the American President switch sides.
There’s lots of “rats fleeing a sinking ship” commentary these days, as vulnerable Republican Senators have suddenly realized this Trump fellow possesses an imperfection or two, but that’s not what’s going on here. We’re not talking about rats, this is the CREW OF THE SHIP, the very craven loyalists who put down the mutiny that might have saved us all, the ones who carried out Bloated Blundering Bligh’s orders as he steered the nation directly into an iceberg that turned out to be sixty tons of frozen, floating sewage, who’re trying to act as though the Turd Reich’s many crimes and failings just…I dunno, just happened while everybody was busy with the Sunday crossword.
John Cornyn wants us to know that despite all his public cowering and enabling, he was super-principled in private conversations that totally took place in real life, just ask his Canadian mistress. Oh, you’re useless in private as well? Guess that makes you a pretty shitty Senator, John-John; you should resign.
Trigger Warning: cyclopean horror on a cosmic scale. I…hesitate to even cover this. I know we’re battle-hardened after four years of non-stop atrocity, but maybe that means we’ve earned the right to look away now and then. No. We must gaze upon evil if we are to defeat it, and thus I call upon ye to screw your courage to the sticking place and gaze upon the abomination that is…Donald Trump dancing.
I see Mike Love’s fake Beach Boys played a fundraiser for the Committee to Re-Elect the Taintfungus, to the chagrin of Brian Wilson and Al Jardine, aka the actual Beach Boys. I guess when your brand is Rock’s Biggest Asshole, you have to pull shit like this to stay relevant.
Still, in the Battle of the Boys, even with the Faux Beach taking the field alongside the Proud, you ain’t got shit, Dotard, cuz the motherfuckin’ BEASTIE BOYS, for the first time ever, licensed a song for use in a political ad, in support of Smilin’ Joe Biden. Huh, I’m in a coalition with Bill Kristol and Ad-Rock; shit’s been real weird lately.
By the way, did anybody call Love’s impostor crew the Bleach Boys yet? See, this is a white supremacist joke AND a he-told-us-to-drink-Clorox joke, so you’re really getting a bargain with this paragraph…obviously, things’re going really well in your political satire blog when you’re explaining your gags.
Well, President Ostomy Bag wants you to know he’s TIRED OF COVID. Not so tired that he’d use the awesome powers of his office to fight it, or even publicly model simple, effective behaviors, like mask-wearing and social distancing, which would save tens of thousands of lives, but tired of the way his botched pandemic (non-) response has kidney-punched his re-election hopes.
Yeah, we get it, you’re tired of Covid, because it’s a political anchor wrapped tightly around your hideous, molten-circus-peanut cankles. We’re sick of it too, of course, but more because it’s destroyed our jobs and closed our small businesses and, y’know, COST NEARLY A QUARTER OF A MILLION OF US OUR LIVES.
Still, the media are “dumb bastards” for covering the ongoing crisis that’s killed hundreds of Americans every single day for months, rather than, say, Hairplug Himmler’s pathetic fixation on the already-awarded Nobel Peace Prize, or the way he’s managed lately to smear that pulped yam make-up over almost his entire face, without the embarrassing trademark scalp line…almost.
Meanwhile, demonstrating the keen sense of strategy that has allowed Kim Jong-un to beclown him on the world stage for lo these many years, the Shart of the Deal has all but declared open war on America’s beloved, trusted, Dr. Anthony “If it weren’t for me he’d be pumping Lysol into the water supply” Fauci.
Because as awful as Eight Months of Chaos and Quarantine Born of Shit Leadership have been, voters are being told that the REAL problem isn’t the lethal virus the incumbent has failed to contain, or the ensuing economic carnage, but HUNTER BIDEN who…oh, man. He did all kindsa bad shit. He’s the Boogeyman wrapped in the Babadook dipped in warm liquid sin, and he’s gonna huff and puff and blow your Suburban Housewife American Dream down.
I’m not sure what Hunter is supposed to’ve done, honestly, though Senator Ron Johnson (R-Leningrad) certainly isn’t shy about playing the Hey Everybody You Already Hate is Also a Pedophile, What a Coincidence card, but then, he’s an idiot and a monster and a puppet. Yeah, yer mom must be proud, RoJo, her boy’s a multi-millionaire and STILL Putin’s lapdog.
Anyway, the whole bullshit story fell apart immediately, unsurprisingly, since it was apparently too blatantly shady for even such icons of journalistic integrity as Fux Nooz and the New York Post. Look, Rudy Giuliani did his best, okay? It’s just that all he had to work with was paste and uncooked macaroni, and to be fair, the instructions were in Russian.
The bad news is, the feral Republican base doesn’t need a story to make sense, and they won’t care about the fact-checking, all they want is a steady stream of reasons to hate whoever the Murdoch family wants them to hate.
On a 4-4 tie, the Supreme Court rejected the Pennsylvania GOP’s latest anti-democratic voter suppression attempt, but folks, Amy Coney Barrett is on her way, and soon there will be no more ties, only an extremist wingnut court, intent on using their stolen, illegitimate power to impose minority rule on a country that’s ready to leave Republican regressiveness behind. No jokes in this paragraph**, just a plea for you, Dear Reader, to get radical in a hurry about court expansion, about ending the filibuster, about statehood for D.C. and Puerto Rico. I love my party, I do, but they’re only going to take these drastic steps if we show them we have their backs.
You either enough make enough noise to change the world, or let ACB and her gang of theocrats whittle your rights away for decades.
In case you’re wondering why all the bald eagles are projectile vomiting and the Statue of Liberty is rotting away to nothingness before our very eyes, well, Redactor General William Barr has proclaimed that Gameshow Göring is acting in his “official capacity” as President when he battles the legion of sexual assault/harassment accusations against him, so we, the chump taxpayers, get to foot the bill for his legal defense.
I see we’ve got a fresh set of rules for the final presidential debate, including muted mics, and if I may be so bold, I’d like to propose that if others need to erect technological barriers in order to force you to behave like an adult for ninety minutes, leadership is not your calling.
And now I see Strawberry Shartcake is somehow incapable of navigating an hourlong conversation with 60 Minutes without throwing a very public tantrum and ok, look. This is a small story, but completely disqualifying. It’s not even the most disqualifying story in this blog post, and surely unworthy of cracking the Top 500 Reasons Donald Trump is Unfit for Human Interaction Let Alone Public Office, but it, by itself, should make every American, regardless of political affiliation, say, “holy crap, keep that unstable freak away from power!”
Meanwhile, we learned the Turdmaggot Administration, in its zeal to terrorize migrants, has misplaced the parents of 545 children separated back in the heady days when John Kelly was too busy ripping families apart to leak “Oh, I knew that Donnie kid was trouble the moment he walked in” quotes.
Five hundred and forty-five children. This is why it’s okay, whenever you encounter some hectoring evangelical claiming to be “pro-life,” to just puke right on their shoes.
I see two stories of massive Trump corruption broke while I was writing tonight, but they’re probably too complex to land, thanks to the Republican strategy of overwhelming the public with unceasing bullshit propaganda. We’ll talk about Hunter Biden’s imaginary crimes, not Conman Don’s Chinese business ties. Not enjoying myself, here in Hell. Sorry, just being honest.
There’s still time to shoot some cash to our incredible team of Dem candidates n’ incumbents, which is why I made Shower Cap’s Fascist-Flushing 2020 Action Guide! We’ve raised more than $30,000 so far…keep it comin’, Resisters!
Ok. Crunch time for my Kickstarter, friends. MINE is a nifty little space fable about leadership and limitations, it’s literally written with my political junkie audience in mind. You will dig it. And if you missed my first book, THE WORTH & THE COST, you can snag a copy of that one, too!
That’s all I got tonight folks. Back to watching the clock. If you haven’t voted yet, vote, you beautiful people, VOTE!
*I do not know if this is a real thing, nor do I wish to know.
**”There are jokes in the other paragraphs?” is an entirely worthy retort, but you’ll have to do better than that.