Mike Pence is the Patron Saint of Mediocre White Dudes, and the Roman God of Failing Upwards.
A Democrat in his youth, Pence, like many men of limited intelligence, turned to religious conservatism for the convenience of being able to end arguments by claiming God shares his every fear and prejudice, while forgiving his every shortcoming, how convenient.
Secretary of State
Mike Pompeo is one of those performatively pious fake Christians who loves using his loudly-claimed-but-seldom-followed faith like a cudgel while ignoring every single word of the actual Bible, including “and” and “the.”
Secretary of State
Over the course of three decades, Rex Tillerson fucked, bribed, and murdered his way to the top of Exxon Mobil, like some sort of jowlsy Eva Peron.
William Barr actually taught me a valuable lesson. See, I didn’t look too closely at Bill when he was nominated to be Attorney General. After Jeff “Too Racist for the 80’s” Sessions and the masculine toilet guy, honestly, he looked like a nice, refreshing, safe, traditional Republican. An institutionalist who could bring a little much-needed stability.
And then he turned out to be a fascist, and one of the most dangerous enemies of democracy in American history. Whoops. My bad.
Secretary of the Treasury
Steve Mnuchin, like his namesake, the Noise You Make When You’re Dry Heaving After Getting Food Poisoning From Eating Truck Stop Gas Station Roller Hot Pockets on a Road Trip, is deeply unpleasant, and may result in the involuntary voiding of foul-smelling bodily fluids.
Secretary of Defense
Chief of Staff
National Security Advisor
Holy shit, there are Generals all over the place these days, aren’t there?
Retired General James Mattis serves as Secretary of Defense. Retired General John Kelly ran Homeland Security for a bit, before becoming the Lead Executive Branch Babysitter, excuse me, Chief of Staff. H.R. McMaster’s the National Security Advisor, and hell, he’s still on active duty.
Jefferson Beauregard Sessions, third generation of his family to carry the name of a Confedarate piece of trash and also a second Confederate piece of trash, is living his dream. As Velveeta Goebbels’ Attorney General, he’s turning back the clock to a time when women and minorities knew their place, and mediocre white dudes like himself got to run everything, even if they weren’t especially bright.
Ryan Zinke is like if the crappiest robot in Westworld escaped and jumped into conservative politics. He’s such a cartoon cowboy, I bet his right boot says “Andy” on the bottom.
Secretary of Commerce
When a witch’s curse transformed his master into a Beast and his fellow servants into household objects, Wilbur Ross became a decorative garden gnome. Unlike the rest of his compatriots, he ventured out into the world to make his fortune in the realm of shady international finance and money laundering, and when True Love’s Kiss lifted the curse, Wilbur was too far away for the enchantment to reverse, and thus he remains trapped in gnome form forever.
Secretary of Health and Human Services
If the Hippocratic Oath is binding in any sort of spiritual sense, Tom Price is royally fucked, y’all. There is some straight Dante shit awaitin’ him in the afterlife.
Secretary of Housing and Urban Development
Dr. Ben Carson is only in politics because he was rude President Obama to his face. At the 2013 National Prayer Breakfast, a traditionally non-political event, Dr. Ben, having been invited as the keynote speaker, decided to use his time to shit on the President and his policies.
Secretary of Education
Betsy DeVos is what happens when bored white ladies have enough money to really fuck shit up. Turns out, if you’re born rich and marry richer, you don’t have to settle for a book club, you can buy yourself a whole cabinet department!
Administrator of the EPA
Scott Pruitt, like a lot of boys his age, grew up watching Captain Planet cartoons. Unlike most boys his age, he decided that the various sludge-smog-and-toxic-waste-slinging villains were the role models for him.
Ok, fine. Pruitt is ten years too old to have grown up on Captain Planet, but fuck you, that’s a good opening paragraph. Make your own fucking website, you don’t like it.
Chief of Staff
Nobody wants to be Reince Priebus when they grow up. He’s just so immediately recognizable as a weaselly little tapeworm of a man, y’know?
Reince Priebus is the sort of person who would be played by Brad Dourif in a film.
Steve Bannon played Bob Ewell in a high school production of To Kill a Mockingbird, and liked it so much he decided to stay in the character for the rest of his life.
A self-described Leninist, and an outspoken populist*, Bannon wants to kidney-punch the administrative state, give it a wedgie, and steal its lunch money.
Jared Kushner was born on third base and thinks he invented baseball.
Jared’s dad, Charles Kushner, went to jail for tax evasion, illegal campaign donations, and, ahem, “witness tampering,” by which I mean he set his brother-in-law up with a hooker (not, I’m sad to report, of the Pissing Russian variety) and recorded their genital-smushing in order to blackmail him.
Daddy’s Little Girl
Ivanka Trump is what happens when you cross Gwyneth Paltrow with Mussolini’s dumbest, laziest aide-de-camp. Watching her try to sell her father’s fascism as some sort of pro-woman lifestyle brand, marketed in the sickliest imaginable shade of pink, has been one of the most bizarre subplots of this nightmare we can’t seem to pinch ourselves out of.
So, while Melania Trump is perhaps not as shitty as many of the crooks, Nazis, and Nazi crooks who inhabit her dirtbag husband’s world, she manages to impressively shitty in her own right.
When you worked for Akin, things weren’t simple
Cuz he got caught on tape
With legitimate rape
Senior Advisor for Policy
Why is it always the shittiest imaginable white dudes who turn out to be white supremacists?
Stephen Miller, who started balding eleven seconds after his conception, has by all accounts been a sack of monkey shit pretty much every single minute of his life.
Director of Communications
Oh wow, this new Communications Director looks like a real character, huh?
Where to begin? Ok, Anthony Scaramucci first came to –
Wait, what? Really?
White Supremacist Multi-Tool
Kris Kobach is like the protagonist of the white supremacist version of one of those Disney movies where a kid learns to chase his dreams, no matter how big. The kid gets tired of the monotonous grind of burning crosses on just one lawn at a time, and dreams of burning a cross big enough for the whole dang country!
Maybe he has a talking/singing Confederate flag for a sidekick. Named “Bedford.”
Roving Freelance Fascist
As seen in the famed documentary RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK, when the Ark of the Covenant was opened on an uncharted island north of Crete, the burning light that issued thereof reduced the Nazi soldiers present to piles of ash and molten flesh. In time, the rains washed the fascist bio-goo into the island’s sewage system, where it mixed with the shit and piss and used tampons and such, and in time it congealed, took the shape of a man (albeit an unattractive one), slapped on a pair of glasses, and Sebastian Gorka was formed.
Speaker of the House
Paul Ryan was cloned from a single pubic hair plucked from Ayn Rand post-coitus and grown in a still in Charles Koch’s back yard.
Senate Majority Leader
Many years ago, Gamera was following the Grateful Dead on tour, and engaged in a brief-but-life-affirming affair with an Ohio River ‘gator that hung around Ma McConnell’s pig farm, picking off runts for sustenance. Nine months later, young Mitch emerged from a leathery egg, and devoured his fellow hatchlings, beginning his life-long love affair with hurting children.
Susan Collins is How It Happens Here, folks.
She’s supposed to be the rational centrist. The one who stands up to the increasingly-rabid gaggle of turd-spewing hyenas known as the Republican Party when they go too far. That’s whole point of Susan Collins. It’s the brand she’s been selling the people of Maine for years.
Anybody wondering if the GOP is still the party of Lincoln gets their answer whenever they take in James Daniel Jordan’s tension-racked, jacketless frame as he does his “indignant soccer dad demands to see a manager” routine during a committee hearing. Lincoln? That ship has sailed, caught fire, sunk, and been overrun by sea slugs and the ghosts of unusually shitty pirates. Sorry.
Official Sponsors of American Fascism
Chuck and Davey Koch decided that popping out of a rich lady’s vagina gave them the right to reshape the world however they saw fit, hurting whoever they wanted to in the process, and since the fundamental driving impulse of your average Republican politician is to sell out to the highest bidder, they haven’t exactly been proven wrong.
I Regret to Inform a Nation Already Drowning in Sorrow…A Democrat Has Uttered a Swear
This transition shit is killing me, y’all. Longtime readers know I’ve often likened life under the Turd Reich to being trapped in a dryer full of hammers and badgers. Ok, so the dryer has finally stopped now, and I love that, I do, but the badgers are still a problem, and as long as I’ve got all these hammers, I’m just gonna keep beating this metaphor to death. I’m ready to climb out of the dryer altogether, is all I’m saying.
Hey, what if a power-crazed Trump stooge with delusions of grandeur threw a thirsty climber party and nobody came? Personally, I have no idea, but ask Mike Pompeo, he’d know. I’m not sure who’ll ultimately come out on top in the Grifter Game of Thrones that’s coming when Cult45 decides to anoint a new high priest, but I do know Pompeo, with his irrepressible disdain for humanity and his resting thug face, doesn’t have what it takes. On the other hand, watching him figure that out the hard way is going to be mighty amusing.
It appears Uncle Vlad Putin managed to squeeze in one last massive cyberattack before control of the federal government reverts to people who actually like the United States and want to defend it. The scope of this attack is so mind-boggling and terrifying that I’m honestly having a hard time wrapping my head around it; these articles read like Jack Ryan movie plots.
Of course, the Velveeta Vulgarian isn’t doing one fucking thing about this act of war by a hostile foreign power; he hasn’t even mentioned it, no one expects him to, and boiled though we may be, my weary frog comrades, this is a normalization too far, or it ought to be, anyway. When the nation is attacked, the President should be able to pull himself away from the talking teevee box long enough for a “Hey, quit that, you!” at the very least.
But no, our guy is too busy wringing as much lame-duck spite out of his office as possible, attempting to appoint special counsels to investigate “election fraud,” and also Hunter Biden, because somehow even the last month has failed to teach the doddering old twerp that lies don’t magically transform into admissible evidence if you just tweet them enough.
“We want them infected,” reads a newly-discovered e-mail from Paul Alexander, one of the demented little Trumpkins who infiltrated and derailed the nation’s coronavirus response. Paul was upset, you see, that all those dumb cuck doctors and scientists at the Department of (checks notes) Health and Human Services were spending so much time and energy trying to save American lives when clearly the only correct course was to shovel the plebs into the furnace as quickly as possible, lest our plutocrat overlords experience the slightest turbulence in their standard of living.
Just under the wire, Rand Paul became the very first elected Republican to make an honest statement in public during the year our Lord 2020, musing, “I’m very, very concerned that if you solicit votes from typically non-voters, that you will affect and change the outcome,” (this practice is commonly known as “campaigning.”) but then Josh Hawley kicked Rand under the table to remind him to stick to incendiary innuendo, cuz we’re never gonna get more voter suppression laws if we openly confess to despising democracy.
Ron Johnson is as traitorous as he is stupid*, and thus he staged a hearing before the Senate Homeland Security Committee wherein he loudly and repeatedly betrayed the homeland. Now, Johnson is about as dumb as dudes get, (Who can forget the time Jack Lew successfully tricked RoJo into missing a crucial floor vote by alleging he had “Got (Senator Johnson’s) nose” and refusing to give it back?) but he is still a sitting U.S. Senator, spewing lunatic conspiracy theories straight out of Alex Jones’ cough syrup overdose hallucinations, and any time the GOP wants to stop driving their voters hatefully, violently insane would be fine with me.
“Oh Cap, you’re exaggerating!” some would say. “It’s not as though heavily armed maniacs are rampaging around the country, running innocent people off the road and menacing them at gunpoint over completely fabricated allegations of voter fraud OH WAIT THAT’S EXACTLY WHAT’S HAPPENING, Cap you handsome, tricksy bastard, you’ve done it again!”
Living in history is so gobsmackingly inane these days, we have to talk about electoral betting markets now. We have multiple betting market stories, in fact; the scraping sound you’re hearing is your brain trying to dig its way out of your skull.
President Liposuction Clinic Dumpster himself cites a fleeting moment on election night when online gamblers misread the results and pissed their money away accordingly as “evidence” he wuz robbed, and shit, even Sidney Powell does better work than that, kid.
Actually, these betting markets are ground zero right now for the explosive collision of two of nature’s fiercest foes: MAGA Nation and Objective Reality. We’re talking about folks who not only bet money that Trump would win, but kept on betting more and more AFTER Election Day. Like, watched Rudy shit his pants across the street from a dildo dispensary, and said to themselves, “Oh, it’s in the bag now, hoss, time to take out a second mortgage!”
And now, these deeply rational people are throwing deeply rational shitfits because the gambling sites are finally starting to pay out on Biden, after sixty kajillion humiliating legal defeats plus the formal vote of the Electoral College. They’re going to file a lawsuit n’ everything. I was skeptical once, but you truly can fool some of the people all of the time.
Serious question: with so many different grifters picking their pockets, how do the Children of the Candy Corn manage to hang onto enough money to feed and clothe themselves? Maybe y’all can reduce your Economic Anxiety™️ a little by cutting into your Blank Checks to Charlatans budget?
I swear, I barely bat an eye anymore at each new “Jared Kushner funneled the rubes’ campaign contributions straight into the family coffers” story. Fucking of course he did. A dumbfuck death cult and its money are soon parted; I think Ben Franklin said that.
Biden aide Jen O’Malley Dillon referred to Republicans as “fuckers,” which is, by any objective measure, a grossly insufficient label for the gaggle of psychotic plutocrats who got 300,000 people killed this year while simultaneously attempting to end American democracy on behalf of a serial sex offender who cages children, steals millions from the Treasury, and generally runs the federal government like Putin’s personal trained marmot.
…sorry, got distracted there, where was I? OH YES, Fuckersgate. Republicans unleashed a tide of such righteous indignation at this abominable act of profanity that you’d never know they’d spent the previous four years suckling on the buttpimples of a cheap fascist hoodlum who has literally inspired multiple acts of terrorist violence with his reckless rhetoric. And we laughed right in their faces, because enduring the sermons of the demonstrably immoral is on the list of Shit Democrats Don’t Do Anymore, right behind “taking the Rust Belt for granted.”
Mike Flynn should be in prison right now, but instead, he’s making the rounds on the emerging We’re Gonna Make You Miss Fox Before We’re Through wingnutosphere, begging his old boss to impose martial law and rerun the election until he gets the result he wants. I feel like a simple “thank for you the wildly undeserved pardon” would have been sufficient, but calling for a military coup is also a choice. Apparently.
I see the Turdmaggot Administration is already fucking up the coronavirus vaccine rollout, and I know, I know, as far as news goes, this is roughly equivalent to BREAKING: Fonzie Says Ayyyyyy. Atrocities and crimes aside, we should have impeached these goons the minute we witnessed their struggles with tasks as rudimentary as Easter Egg Roll-staging and light switch-finding; this shitshow was always going to end in mass graves.
I see whichever purge-elevated Undersecretary in Charge of Coordinating the Office Lunch Order is currently acting head of DoD decided to stop cooperating with the Biden transition team, citing the Pentagon’s existing workload, or “day job,” as an anonymous official put it, because god forbid we ask the leadership of the most powerful military force on the planet to walk and chew gum at the same time. We should probably stop sending these folks out to invade places, y’know?
I think we’re still supposed to be mad about Jill Biden’s doctorate, by the way. In fairness, it must be pretty tough to manufacture new distracting outrage content when everyone is either trapped inside their home or hooked up to a ventilator.
Ok, I’m gonna grab a beer and feed the badgers. If anybody’s looking to get me a last-minute Xmas gift, I do have a few stray thoughts on the matter…
*This implies Johnson is “as traitorous as a bag of hammers.” Or “so traitorous he couldn’t find his own dick with a map.” Perhaps even “about as loyal as a bowling ball.” I didn’t really think this bit through, is what I’m telling you.