Mike Pence is the Patron Saint of Mediocre White Dudes, and the Roman God of Failing Upwards.
A Democrat in his youth, Pence, like many men of limited intelligence, turned to religious conservatism for the convenience of being able to end arguments by claiming God shares his every fear and prejudice, while forgiving his every shortcoming, how convenient.
Secretary of State
Over the course of three decades, Rex Tillerson fucked, bribed, and murdered his way to the top of Exxon Mobil, like some sort of jowlsy Eva Peron.
Secretary of the Treasury
Steve Mnuchin, like his namesake, the Noise You Make When You’re Dry Heaving After Getting Food Poisoning From Eating Truck Stop Gas Station Roller Hot Pockets on a Road Trip, is deeply unpleasant, and may result in the involuntary voiding of foul-smelling bodily fluids.
Secretary of Defense
Chief of Staff
National Security Advisor
Holy shit, there are Generals all over the place these days, aren’t there?
Retired General James Mattis serves as Secretary of Defense. Retired General John Kelly ran Homeland Security for a bit, before becoming the Lead Executive Branch Babysitter, excuse me, Chief of Staff. H.R. McMaster’s the National Security Advisor, and hell, he’s still on active duty.
Jefferson Beauregard Sessions, third generation of his family to carry the name of a Confedarate piece of trash and also a second Confederate piece of trash, is living his dream. As Velveeta Goebbels’ Attorney General, he’s turning back the clock to a time when women and minorities knew their place, and mediocre white dudes like himself got to run everything, even if they weren’t especially bright.
Ryan Zinke is like if the crappiest robot in Westworld escaped and jumped into conservative politics. He’s such a cartoon cowboy, I bet his right boot says “Andy” on the bottom.
Secretary of Commerce
When a witch’s curse transformed his master into a Beast and his fellow servants into household objects, Wilbur Ross became a decorative garden gnome. Unlike the rest of his compatriots, he ventured out into the world to make his fortune in the realm of shady international finance and money laundering, and when True Love’s Kiss lifted the curse, Wilbur was too far away for the enchantment to reverse, and thus he remains trapped in gnome form forever.
Secretary of Health and Human Services
If the Hippocratic Oath is binding in any sort of spiritual sense, Tom Price is royally fucked, y’all. There is some straight Dante shit awaitin’ him in the afterlife.
Secretary of Housing and Urban Development
Dr. Ben Carson is only in politics because he was rude President Obama to his face. At the 2013 National Prayer Breakfast, a traditionally non-political event, Dr. Ben, having been invited as the keynote speaker, decided to use his time to shit on the President and his policies.
Secretary of Education
Betsy DeVos is what happens when bored white ladies have enough money to really fuck shit up. Turns out, if you’re born rich and marry richer, you don’t have to settle for a book club, you can buy yourself a whole cabinet department!
Administrator of the EPA
Scott Pruitt, like a lot of boys his age, grew up watching Captain Planet cartoons. Unlike most boys his age, he decided that the various sludge-smog-and-toxic-waste-slinging villains were the role models for him.
Ok, fine. Pruitt is ten years too old to have grown up on Captain Planet, but fuck you, that’s a good opening paragraph. Make your own fucking website, you don’t like it.
Chief of Staff
Nobody wants to be Reince Priebus when they grow up. He’s just so immediately recognizable as a weaselly little tapeworm of a man, y’know?
Reince Priebus is the sort of person who would be played by Brad Dourif in a film.
Steve Bannon played Bob Ewell in a high school production of To Kill a Mockingbird, and liked it so much he decided to stay in the character for the rest of his life.
A self-described Leninist, and an outspoken populist*, Bannon wants to kidney-punch the administrative state, give it a wedgie, and steal its lunch money.
Jared Kushner was born on third base and thinks he invented baseball.
Jared’s dad, Charles Kushner, went to jail for tax evasion, illegal campaign donations, and, ahem, “witness tampering,” by which I mean he set his brother-in-law up with a hooker (not, I’m sad to report, of the Pissing Russian variety) and recorded their genital-smushing in order to blackmail him.
When you worked for Akin, things weren’t simple
Cuz he got caught on tape
With legitimate rape
Senior Advisor for Policy
Why is it always the shittiest imaginable white dudes who turn out to be white supremacists?
Stephen Miller, who started balding eleven seconds after his conception, has by all accounts been a sack of monkey shit pretty much every single minute of his life.
Director of Communications
Oh wow, this new Communications Director looks like a real character, huh?
Where to begin? Ok, Anthony Scaramucci first came to –
Wait, what? Really?
White Supremacist Multi-Tool
Kris Kobach is like the protagonist of the white supremacist version of one of those Disney movies where a kid learns to chase his dreams, no matter how big. The kid gets tired of the monotonous grind of burning crosses on just one lawn at a time, and dreams of burning a cross big enough for the whole dang country!
Maybe he has a talking/singing Confederate flag for a sidekick. Named “Bedford.”
Roving Freelance Fascist
As seen in the famed documentary RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK, when the Ark of the Covenant was opened on an uncharted island north of Crete, the burning light that issued thereof reduced the Nazi soldiers present to piles of ash and molten flesh. In time, the rains washed the fascist bio-goo into the island’s sewage system, where it mixed with the shit and piss and used tampons and such, and in time it congealed, took the shape of a man (albeit an unattractive one), slapped on a pair of glasses, and Sebastian Gorka was formed.
Speaker of the House
Paul Ryan was cloned from a single pubic hair plucked from Ayn Rand post-coitus and grown in a still in Charles Koch’s back yard.
Senate Majority Leader
Many years ago, Gamera was following the Grateful Dead on tour, and engaged in a brief-but-life-affirming affair with an Ohio River ‘gator that hung around Ma McConnell’s pig farm, picking off runts for sustenance. Nine months later, young Mitch emerged from a leathery egg, and devoured his fellow hatchlings, beginning his life-long love affair with hurting children.
If Whatever Angel of Justice Finally Came for Scott Pruitt Could Look Jim Jordan Up Next, That’d be Great…
Another day in the goddamn madhouse. This is the week I read about a bunch of lions devouring some poachers and felt a pang of envy. Lions don’t have to wait till the midterms to solve their problems, y’know?
I am totally not advocating eating Donald Trump, by the way. You’d get sick.
Today’s blog is…really hard for me. I’ve never been any good at goodbyes. What am I even going to write about without the ridiculous ever-escalating litany of Scott Pruitt’s scandals? If he’d only held on for another six months, I’m sure he’d have had his taxpayer-funded security detail doubling in the evenings as a Comcast customer service call center, working under his wife, of course.
(I would be remiss in the duties if I moved on from Pruitt without mentioning his truly humiliating resignation letter. I have referred to Scotty as the God of Grifting, but it looks like he’s evolving into the God of Groveling.
Joking aside, of all the treasonweasels in Orange Julius Caesar’s inner circle, Scott Pruitt was absolutely the Most Ready for Raw Authoritarianism, all too happy to sacrifice whatever personal dignity was necessary to bow lower than anyone else to placate Dear Leader’s fragile ego, so long as he got to live large off the taxpayer dollar. Scott Pruitt is precisely the kind of man who would administer a concentration camp, and don’t you ever forget it.).
Hey, I see the Senate GOP D-team spent the Fourth of July on a little ass-kissing tour of that one country that literally attacked us in 2016, just like that time Alben W. Barkley took a spa day with Tojo after Pearl Harbor. I’ll say this though, when the Republican Party sends their reps to Moscow, they’re not sending their best. John Kennedy? Ron Johnson? Jerry Moran? I wouldn’t trust those dipshits to cut the ribbon at a fucking mall opening.
Speaking of Russia, Strawberry Shartcake wants to meet with Putin with only Vlad’s personal translator present at their upcoming Fuck America So Very Very Very Hard party in Helsinki, without any other Americans around, and who can blame him? It’s totally embarrassing when you have to ask Dad for advance on your allowance, isn’t it? I ask you, would YOU want to do that in front of the Secretary of State?
The Senate Intelligence Committee confirmed the IC’s assessment that yuh-huh, Uncle Vlad not only interfered in our election, but he did so specifically to boost the candidate with the most disproportionately-small-and-ineffective fingers. On the other hand, Donnie Two-Scoops says “Nuh UH,” so expect the New York Times to cover the issue with vigorous both-sidesism.
Hey, y’know who sucks? Jim Jordan sucks, that’s who. I first encountered Jordan during HRC’s marathon Benghazi testimony, back when the world almost made sense. Jimbo was one of the pathetic dwarves feebly flinging pebbles at her; since then I’ve seen no evidence to suggest anything other than his utter, irredeemable, shittiness.
But even I’m surprised to learn the full depths of that shittiness. Jordan stands accused of turning a blind eye to serial sexual abuse during his days as an assistant wrestling coach at Ohio State. Seeking to really corner the market on inexcusable fuckery, Jordan’s initial response to these accusations was not mere denial, but actually CALLING THE FUCKING COPS on his accusers, for “bulllying” him.
But more wrestlers have come forward to confirm the accusations. And more and more extremely disturbing details about the program’s culture are surfacing. Jordan went out on State TV to slander his accusers a bit, but accidentally confessed to knowing about the abuse, waving it off as, and I couldn’t make this up if I tried, “locker room” talk.
So the official Shower Cap position on the issue is as follows:
Fuck Jim Jordan. With a rusty shovel. Forever. Fuck any political party that wouldn’t immediately expel him for this vile shit. If Jim Jordan is still in Congress as you read this, it’s a fucking crime, and I hope you, YOU reading right now, raise holy hell about it.
Mitch McConnell says, “Hey, sorry ‘bout all these school shootings and all, but if you didn’t want your kids to die in a hail of bullets while they’re learning fractions or reading A Separate Peace, maybe you shoulda given ‘em bulletproof skin!” Yes, Yertle’s position on the gun violence epidemic in America comes down to “MEH, SHIT HAPPENS, WHADDYA GONNA DO?”
(I’ll tell you what, Mitch. We’re going to elect a new Congress this November, and we’re going to get some goddamn gun control laws in this country. You can watch from the minority.)
Everybody welcome Bill Shine to the official Shart House communications staff! The Poo Mistake is getting his advisors pre-disgraced now, which I think shows a commendable efficiency. Bill has failed upwards to the highest halls of power after decades of enabling a culture of sexual abuse over at Fux Nooz. Also, his wife is a shitty mega-bigot who deleted her shitty mega-bigot social media accounts so no one would know what a shitty mega-bigot she is, but there are screencaps.
(This space left blank to allow the reader time to digest the mega-bigotry from the link in the preceding paragraph. She’s really something, ain’t she?)
So yeah, more white supremacists on the team! Really looking forward to replacing the White House Easter Egg Roll with a cross burning next year.
But Weehands McNodick isn’t the only Washington power player who’s hiring! Rugged Robert Mueller is adding new prosecutors to his team, surely the latest sign that the whole Russia investigation is a witch hunt that hasn’t found evidence of any wrongdoing whatsoever! I’m pretty sure Bodacious Bob and his team are just ordering pizzas and watching WKRP marathons all day.
Another place the Velveeta Vulgarian is hiring is down at Marm-a-Lago! But no Americans need apply, these are low-paying gigs specifically designated for foreign workers! It’s amazing that the President of the United States can start a dumbass trade war, attacking American workers in industries from soybean farming to nail manufacturing, and then turn right around and refuse to hire Americans at the business he personally owns. But it’s MORE amazing that his pudding-brained rube army still buys into his fraudulent “America first” con.
The trade war is going swimmingly, by the way. Mexico and China have imposed their retaliatory tariffs. Layoffs have begun. CEOs are kicking up dust. Even the good folks at Moog Music, producers of the famous synthesizer, may move production overseas. I WILL BE GOD DAMNED IF WE DISHONOR THE MEMORIES OF THOSE WHO DIED AT VALLEY FORGE BY FORSAKING OUR HERITAGE AS THE NATION OF PROG ROCK!
So I guess the Tangelo Taint Tumor spent most of 2017 fantasizing about INVADING FUCKING VENEZUELA, and I’ve never been more grateful that HR McMaster gave a year of his life to babysitting duty. It takes a real fucking dotard to look around at all the flaming piles of failure Trump’d been stacking up during his first year in office and go, “Y’know what this sharknado of incompetence could really use? A sloppy attempt at militarily forcing regime change in the middle of another continent!” He’s like a kid whose sole medical experience is playing Operation, and badly, suddenly deciding he’s qualified to separate conjoined twins.
The Shart Administration is struggling to obey court orders to reunite the migrant families they tore apart, apparently because they didn’t plan beyond the, “hurt brown people, Jeff Sessions and Stephen Miller furiously masturbate to their pain” stage. Hundreds of children remain in detention, while your federal government makes arguments like “Look, we already deported some of these kids’ parents, surely we’re off the hook for reuniting THOSE families!” And the families we’ve managed to reunite have stories that bring shame upon anyone who ever believed in this nation’s goodness.
Meanwhile, the private prison companies profiting off the detention of migrant families have all kinds of zany ties to Fat Q*Bert and his team of racist grifters, but surely that’s just coincidental, right?
But even as your government struggles to undo the damage of that STATE-SPONSORED TERRORISM POLICY THEY INSTITUTED IN THE NAME OF WHITE SUPREMACY before We the People forced them to stop, the right-wing whine-o-sphere has identified a new victim of government abuse, one surely more worthy of your sympathy than any frightened child stolen from their parents’ arms.
I’m speaking, of course, of Paul Manafort. Precocious Paul finds himself in solitary confinement, for his own safety, and MY GOD HE’S ONLY BEEN ACCUSED NOT CONVICTED and surely Lady Justice is weeping tears of blood for this American traitor!
Odd that this sense of outrage over the unfairness of pretrial detention failed to manifest over, say, a 16-year-old black male accused of stealing a damn backpack and spending three years behind bars without trial, but you lock up a wealthy white money launderer who couldn’t stop committing crimes, even as part of the terms of his Special Rich White Guy Bail Arrangement, EVEN AFTER A WARNING FOR BREAKING THOSE TERMS ONCE BEFORE, and suddenly you have children and old women wailing by the side of the road, for the poor, persecuted, #Manfucked One.
If you haven’t worn out the strings on your tiny violin reading the last couple of paragraphs, spare a small dirge for Michael Cohen, who worries his ol’ chum Donnie won’t abuse that sweet sweet Presidential pardon power on his behalf. (Cue MONTAGE of Drumpf and Cohen over the years, in happier times: paying off porn stars, burying stiffed contractors under mountains of paperwork, skipping arm in arm through Central Park, sharing a single ice cream cone.)
By the way, the Sensei of Sez-Hoo hired former Clinton attorney Lanny Davis, who seems positively giddy to take his new Trump-seeking missile, excuse me, I mean “client,” out for a test drive.
Looks like Sharty McFly and Mike Pompeo trolled Kim Jong-Un a bit by gifting him a CD containing Elton John’s “Rocket Man.” Now, the North Korean dictator has already trolled the United States by expanding production at his nuclear sites even as we cancelled military exercises with South Korea, so I’m gonna go ahead an give Kim this round, and boy howdy that’s fucking embarrassing.
The Marmalade Shartcannon held another one of his patented Trump Brand Klan Rallies, allegedly to campaign for Republican congressional candidates. Now, I’m not going to link to any of the hateful, dishonest shit he spewed, you can get that elsewhere. The point is, facing a midterm referendum on his leadership, this bloated tick on America’s ass can’t point to his record; his only significant accomplishment is a tax cut for the wealthy that growing majorities absolutely despise. All he can offer is enemies, targets for the Two Minutes Hate, from Hillary Clinton to John McCain to Maxine Waters.
And for his base, that hatred is enough, apparently. If the generic congressional balloting is to be believed, most Americans want more. I say don’t take the foot off the gas until November 7th at the earliest.
Y’know, a lot of folks say our President lacks principles. I don’t think that’s fair. I think he’s fanatically devoted to his principles. It’s just that his principles amount to “I would like to claim any and all available money for myself,” and NAKED, UNAPOLOGETIC, WHITE SUPREMACY.
In fact, he’s SO devoted to this single, burning, animating, hateful “principle” that he’s discharging immigrant Army recruits and reservists, just to avoid giving citizenship to brown people that PUT THEIR VERY FUCKING LIVES ON THE LINE TO DEFEND OUR COUNTRY. Yes, the Bonespur Buttplug would happily weaken our national security if it means making America juuuuuuuuuust a little whiter.
And Tucker Carlson is DOWN with the white supremacy, y’all. You know he’s lobbying for Wear Your Hood to Work Day over at Fux. To Liar Tuck, opposing the monstrosity of stealing kids from their parents and throwing them into internment camps isn’t clearing the lowest imaginable human decency hurdle, it’s an attempted coup. A COUP. The only legitimate rule in America, you see, is by white folks. Allowing anyone else full and equal access to the nation’s bounty is seditious.
This is the kind of thing a very powerful pundit with a depressingly-large audience is spouting on television, every night. This is, and we should be honest about this, what the Republican Party stands for in 2018: America For White People and Everyone Else Can Fuck Off.
It’s all they have left, after more than 500 days of failure after failure. Me, I think it’s pathetic. We’re closer than ever to the (goddamn) midterms when we finally, FINALLY, have the chance to rebuke this bankrupt movement, and folks, I am positively HORNY over that chance. Keep working, keep organizing, keep donating. Let me ask you…what’re YOU doing to feed the Blue Wave?